Justice League America #62 (May 1992)

Covering Maxima's mouth when it's her eyes that shoot her psionic beams reeks of misogyny.

On the cover, Weapons Master uses the Green Lantern ring to cover Superman's eyes so he can't be blasted by heat vision. That makes sense. But he should then cover Superman's mouth to protect against his cold breath. Being that Weapons Master doesn't do that and instead chooses to cover Maxima's mouth, which is harmless, hints at a darker reason for what he's doing. If I only had one gag for these three people, I wouldn't even choose to put it on Superman. It's Guy Gardner whose mouth you want to shut up so you don't have to listen to his empty bravado! But this asshole chooses to stop the woman from speaking. I don't want to boil everything down to some guy being angry because he has a small penis because having a small penis makes a person a victim of "mainstream" society for nothing they had any control of. But it is a handy metaphor for a guy with low self-esteem who hates women because he fears rejection based on society's idea of what makes a man (i.e., the penis). Also, when a man says that a man who demonstrates some behavior he doesn't like has a small penis, he's actually proclaiming, "My penis is satisfactory." I don't want anybody making any assumptions about the size of my satisfactory penis so I won't blame Weapons Master's misogyny on having a small penis. If I did, it would just be as a metaphor anyway. But I feel that specific metaphor is harmful. Which is why I choose to use a different metaphor and say, "Weapons Master has a tiny empathic ability." Although that's not a metaphor; it's just a statement. Maybe our world needs to express things less in metaphor! Why lump nice guys with small dicks into the same category as the biggest jerk-offs on the planet? There are plenty of jerks out there with humongous penises and tight buttholes they don't deserve!

Wait. What was the tight butthole a metaphor for again? Oh, that's right! Being a prude! Never mind. I'm mixing my metaphors now! Let's just get directly to the point: Weapons Master, in choosing to gag the only member of this group that he has no reason to gag, makes a loud and clear statement about what he thinks of women. Unless it's just what he thinks of Maxima. She really gave him an ego drubbing in their previous encounter when she was all, "I'm the queen of everything and you're no Superman, you little dicked asshole!" That was Maxima using that disgusting metaphor! Not me! You can't blame me for writing character-driven dialogue!

When we last left the Justice League, they were being used as pawns in a "game" created by Weapons Master (unless the game was created by the three-eyed red alien from Justice League of America #1). I put the word "game" in quotes because it wasn't much of a game. Blue Beetle just had to put figures of the Justice League on a chessboard and hope he put them on Freedom Squares instead of Danger Squares. Pretty shit game, actually. So far Ice was placed on the game board in a Danger Square which transported her to a planet of lava where she's sure to die. Blue Beetle was pretty upset about this, according to the art.

He should have had a V-8.

Having taken Ice off the board in a failed effort to bring her back, Blue Beetle decides to place Superman on the square Ice's figure had been on. Superman is transported to lava world too and saves Ice's life. Then they fuck. Probably. It's what I'd do if I were Ice. For survival, I mean! Like when you're camping and a blizzard hits, you're supposed to get naked and cuddle up with your friends to conserve body heat. Well isn't the opposite also true in a total-lava environment? Ice and Superman need to get naked and cuddle so that Ice can keep their body temperatures down! Fucking is the only logical way to survive.

Look, you can try to convince me that two people can get naked together and not fuck but I won't be listening because I'll be imagining the two naked people fucking.

Weird. I thought Ice's vagina would have a lateral lisp.

Weapons Master gets upset with Beetle about the little stunt he just pulled. Maybe stick to guns and electrified nets, Weapons Master. I bet Games Master wouldn't have made this error!

Blue Beetle's next move is to put Booster Gold on one corner of the board and Maxima on another. In his head, he's experimenting to figure out more information about the board. In reality, he's just randomly placing his teammates on a dangerous device. I guess he figures if he gets the information he wants from this move, he'll be able to place Guy Gardner in the perfect spot to save the day. Or to make sure Guy dies? It's hard to guess at Beetle's motivations. Guy doesn't have his ring right now so it's the perfect time to get him out of everybody's hair forever.

Back in New York, Bloodwynd the absolutely, totally human magic-user confronts Maxwell Lord and Oberon. They're all, "How do you know so much about us? Are you telepathic like our old member, J'onn?" Bloodwynd is all, "I cannot say but I did find a clue telepathically from one of Weapons Master's weapons!" The clue points toward a mysterious yacht that probably hides a Dominator and Weapon Master's hot girlfriend. Sorry, young people, I don't know either of their names and resorted to reducing them to their race and gender!

The panels depicting Superman and Ice on the lava planet lead me to only one conclusion: Dan Jurgens is as hot for Ice as I am! I mean as I pretend to be! I'm going to show you two panels from this comic book and you are going to have to take a cold shower and try not to think about ice, no matter your sexuality.

I just have one thing to say: "Pudendum."

Booster Gold would kill to have that much of a bulge!

I've maintained for years that Ice has the sexiest outfit. Because it can do things like this!

Another huge plus of Ice's costume: extremely large fuzzy boot cuffs!

Superman tells Ice she needs to help herself stay cool because he somehow conveniently forgot about his frost breath. Unless he lost that power after Crisis. I can't keep any of that shit straight this many years out.

Ice makes a few "ice pebbles" which is cute if you like to picture them dribbling out of her butt like a farmyard goat (which I do). As she's dying in the heat, she asks Superman if he's married and then tells him her secret identity. This lava planet is making Ice one thirsty ho! Lois gonna have to beat the horndog out of her.

Back in the game room, it turns out that Blue Beetle's assumption that the opposite of the corners of the board would have some kind of connection is correct as Maxima and Booster Gold wind up on a strange planet together. To Maxima's dismay, really.

"The men of the Justice League are lucky Max Lord doesn't have a Human Resources Department," writes the guy who has been ogling Ice for the last five pages.

To be fair to myself (which we should all try to be extremely fair to because I'm a sensitive boy), I'd be ogling Booster Gold's crotch too if anybody would ever draw any kind of bulge down there. I'm guessing Dan will be the guy to do it. You can almost think he's attempting it in the above panels but it's really just the shine of Booster's glossy outfit and not a penis.

Maxima shoves Booster away and he gets angry and annoyed, yelling, "Hey! What gives, Maxima?" Maybe she doesn't need you constantly expressing how much you want to fuck her? At least not to her face. Save that shit for your LiveJournal, buddy.

No wonder all the women want to fuck Superman. The rest are a bunch of lechers.

Wally West has been nothing but a sex pest in Justice League Europe for the last three years. Blue Beetle and Booster Gold often fall all over each other hitting on any woman in their proximity (both have been pestering Maxima since she arrived). Even Ralph Dibny has been getting into the act. And Max Lord and Oberon can't be looked to as role models either! The only guys not sexually harassing their teammates on a near constant basis are Rocket Red (who is married (not that marriage matters, seeing as how Ralph is acting)) and Metamorpho (who is absolutely in love with Sapphire). Oh, and J'onn but if he were attracted to an Earth woman it would be weird. Like if I wanted to fuck the raccoons that come by my backyard at night. I do not want to fuck them, by the way. Just read my t-shirt that says, "I am not attracted to sexy raccoons."

I realize I didn't mention Guy Gardner because did I really need to mention that chauvinist? He's a given in this matter, right?

You know what? It's not only the men who have a problem in this League and a reason to get an HR Department set up posthaste. Crimson Fox and Catherine Cobert wouldn't get off Captain Atom's jock while he was still alive! I'm pretty sure Sue Dibny even fucked him in the janitor's closet in Issue #6 (and #7. And #3. And #13. Hell, every issue where Sue and Captain Atom aren't currently on-panel, really).

Weapons Master isn't much better as you'll see in the next panel. When do I stop attributing all of this pent-up sexual aggression to the characters and just start accepting, like everybody else already has, that comic book writers and artists are horny and lonely and can only gratify their sexual urges through their "art"? Like Weapons Master in that panel I mentioned!

"Light show," Beetle? Weapons Master is using the ring to create a stag film.

I can't believe I used the phrase "stag film." Where did I learn about pornography? From Happy Days?!

Maybe I shouldn't blame comic book artists for all of this weird expression of sexuality. I can't say that if I got a Green Lantern ring, I wouldn't first use it to make a bunch of naked women to have sex with. It's pretty much what The Fermata is all about! Nicholson Baker writes the most pornographic and rapey book he can imagine and yet it's maybe the best book about writing I've ever read. "Oh, I'm a writer who suddenly has the ability to stop time! I can get all the writing I want done at any moment! Except I'm mostly going to use all of this extra time jerking off."

Some of you might be pointing out he does quite a bit more than jerking off, like sexual molestation and assault. But that's just the metaphor! I was being literal about what keeps a writer from writing. I know the Internet itself is one of those things but The Fermata was written in 1994. At that time the two biggest distractions from getting your novel written were the urge to jerk off and your stupid cat demanding constant attention.

I just went to Goodreads to see what people are saying about The Fermata because it's full of sexual assault. I never thought it's main point was erotic fantasy. It's obviously a man taking advantage of women! But I always maintained it's a great book about writing. But on Goodreads, I didn't read one review that even mentioned it's a metaphor about writing. Did I not read enough reviews (probably?)? Everybody just seems to think either it's a gross book about sexual assault (it is!) or it's an awesome sexy fantasy about assaulting women (all the guys, probably!). Am I wrong that it's a metaphor about writers and how they allow themselves to be distracted so that, even if they could stop time, they'd still have excuses not to get to the writing? Was I super smart when I first read it back in the mid-90s or was I super dumb?!

You might also think, "Sounds like a pretty thin premise to justify a book full of sexual assault." But that's also kind of the point? Pages and pages and pages of Baker's writing are just him "jerking off." He's writing the most detailed descriptions he can of these sexual assaults, spending far too much time, using far too much of his writing ability, to describe page after page of these encounters. It's like an artist putting all of their effort in doodles because they're refusing to look at the real work set before them.

Weapons Master also makes himself a martini so I see he knows how to have a good time. He mentions Blue Beetle has two more pieces to move and that's when I finally remember Fire exists. Whoops! Sorry, Fire! I was too busy looking at Ice's underboobs to remember you!

Blue Beetle realized that when he placed a person's piece on the board, that person was able to interact with the environment for a few seconds before disappearing. So he plays Guy's piece hoping Guy has noticed too. Guy wakes up and calls his ring back to his finger. Guy doesn't warp to a strange planet but I don't know if that's because Beetle played his piece on a Freedom Square or the ring protected Guy. Whatever the case, Guy attacks Weapons Master who warps away only to return seconds later with a weapon that I presume can defeat Guy Gardner. Just like back in the JLA cave!

I'm supposed to believe Weapons Master doesn't have any weapons which shoot yellow bullets? Please.

Weapons Master retreats to his yacht where he has to kill the Dominator before it returns to Dominaria and reports to its superiors that Weapons Master sucks at fencing Green Lantern rings. I don't know if "Dominaria" is the name of the Dominion home planet. I do know it's the home of Prodigal Sorcerers, Grizzly Bears, and Savannah Lions.

Green Lantern's ring saves the other Justice League members by tracking their quantum particles or something. It's all done off-panel during the scene where Bloodwynd, having tracked down Weapons Master to his girlfriend's yacht, attacks.

"You may be fast but are you fast enough to interrupt this sentence with an amazingly long-winded threat somehow spoken in the instantaneous moment in which you warp away from me? Oh, you are."

Don't ask about Guy Gardner on the computer screen. I have no idea what's going on with that. Maybe Weapons Master has CCTV installed across all of his various pocket dimensions and lava planets.

Bloodwynd can't rescue the Justice League because J'onn J'onzz doesn't actually have magic powers. But he is able to disassemble Weapons Master's computer system, take it back to the Justice League Headquarters, plug it into their teleportation system, hire some hackers to write a program to communicate between the hardware, and eventually use the system to warp the team back home.

When the adventure is over, Max Lord announces that the Justice League have not only succeeded in their first mission which was really just the League defending Guy's ring from a thief but that they've gained two new members!

Max Lord telegraphing that these are diversity hires with, "They're certain to widen the group's appeal."

If they truly are diversity hires, that means Martian Manhunter is stealing the job that should have gone to Cyborg all these years ago! Fucking dick.

One last pic just to prove that Dan Jurgens is a professional comic book artist using the proof I mentioned in my Justice League Europe #37 review.

See? It took Dan until the last page but he got one of the female characters into a towel!

Justice League America #62 Rating: B. This two part story was satisfactory for introducing the new members of the League. It had all the usual beats of a team comic book. First they get defeated by the bad guy because they didn't work together and then they come together later, all using their particular talents, to defeat the villain. Aside from Fire who never moved from the table during the entire conflict. I guess Ice didn't do much but need saving. And Booster didn't do much but annoy Maxima with his crude suggestions. But Maxima helped because she cussed out Beetle when he put her piece on the game board! That helped Beetle realize that his teammates could act for a few seconds before being sent to some dangerous dimension. And because this wasn't a real mission and just a minor assault by Weapons Master that took place just before the League ever appeared all in one place together, I won't fault it for being a story where the villain attacks the League directly meaning no real "Justice" was served. So instead of the Justice League saving the world 0 out of 2 comics, I'll give them a pass on this one and start the tally next issue.