Every comic book series needs one cover where the bad guy becomes over-sized to crush Earth in their hands.
Being a totally sexually active male who's totally into having loads of sex and doesn't misspell "sexuality" four or five times before getting it right at all, I feel uncomfortable reading comic books with young women in them. And it's almost certainly because I find them attractive and not because I would cry watching Sailor Moon during college because it would make me think, "That's what life would have been like for me if I'd been a girl!" Although sometimes it's really hard to tell while reading The Terrifics if I want to bang Phantom Girl or I want to dress up like Phantom Girl so that people want to bang me. Now that I've forced myself to think about it a bit more than "Am I gross for being so into Jayna?!" (and then instantly flagellating myself), I realize it's their attractiveness to others that I yearn for. Who doesn't want to be an adorable little elfin waif in beautifully constructed frilly clothing and smooth satin underpants? I bet 100% of everybody reading this has their hands up their own rectums right now yelling, "Me! Me! Yes! Yes! OH GOD YES!"
I should probably delete that and start over. Especially because now everybody thinks I'm turned on by cartoon drawings of fictional characters! Let's get this straight: I lie a lot in these commentaries (I almost called this a "review" but that's not accurate because I'll probably barely even discuss the merits or failings of this comic book. Not that it will have any failings seeing that it's written by Mark Russell!). I haven't been attracted to a comic book character since Elfquest! And not the fan-fiction Elfquest of Elfquest's later years! I'm talking about the original twenty issues! I know I read a lot of comic books but that's not where my perversions lie!
I probably shouldn't delete that first paragraph because it was a fitting way to start talking about the Big Scramble. I totally wouldn't mind if my personality were scrambled into another body! Sure, it's a crap shoot! But I'm a 48 year old guy who really stopped caring about his looks five years ago! I'm apt to get the better end of a personality swap! Let's do this! And I apologize to the poor fool who winds up in my body. On the plus side, it's comfortable and broken in nicely!
I should probably delete that and start over. Especially because now everybody thinks I'm turned on by cartoon drawings of fictional characters! Let's get this straight: I lie a lot in these commentaries (I almost called this a "review" but that's not accurate because I'll probably barely even discuss the merits or failings of this comic book. Not that it will have any failings seeing that it's written by Mark Russell!). I haven't been attracted to a comic book character since Elfquest! And not the fan-fiction Elfquest of Elfquest's later years! I'm talking about the original twenty issues! I know I read a lot of comic books but that's not where my perversions lie!
I probably shouldn't delete that first paragraph because it was a fitting way to start talking about the Big Scramble. I totally wouldn't mind if my personality were scrambled into another body! Sure, it's a crap shoot! But I'm a 48 year old guy who really stopped caring about his looks five years ago! I'm apt to get the better end of a personality swap! Let's do this! And I apologize to the poor fool who winds up in my body. On the plus side, it's comfortable and broken in nicely!
Looking at Zan and Jayna here, I just realized I could wind up in my sister's body. Gross. Please stop The Great Scramble!
I'm not saying my sister's body is gross (I'm also not saying it isn't! I'm not choosing sides on that debate!). I'm just saying I would be profoundly uncomfortable forever if my mind wound up in my sister's body. I would never be able to masturbate again!
But what if I could get my sister, in my body, to jerk me, in her body, off? That isn't weird, right? She's just doing what she always did and I don't have to touch my sister's naughty place (which is now my naughty place?). That's probably the only real solution to this problem!
Anybody grossed out by my sex talk can go suck on a dog turd because Mark Russell makes sex jokes too!
But what if I could get my sister, in my body, to jerk me, in her body, off? That isn't weird, right? She's just doing what she always did and I don't have to touch my sister's naughty place (which is now my naughty place?). That's probably the only real solution to this problem!
Anybody grossed out by my sex talk can go suck on a dog turd because Mark Russell makes sex jokes too!
LOAD "Load",8
RUN
Superman is super worried about The Great Scramble because he could wind up in Aquaman's body. He calls for the Justice League to stop helping victims of natural disasters and concentrate on stopping The Great Scramble. I don't know what his plan is but I know it's not "give The Scrambler what he wants and make the world a fair and just place for every Earth citizen" because Batman would just shoot it down. He just wants to stop random violence in back alleys not upset the status quo which serves rich people.
The Scrambler is hiding out at Polly Math's place because she loves his plan. Plus I bet she gets immunity as his sidekick. Superman doesn't know the hell Polly Math is so he has no chance of figuring out where The Scrambler is hiding. He contacts the president to let him know the world probably isn't screwed but maybe be prepared for the worst?
The Scrambler is hiding out at Polly Math's place because she loves his plan. Plus I bet she gets immunity as his sidekick. Superman doesn't know the hell Polly Math is so he has no chance of figuring out where The Scrambler is hiding. He contacts the president to let him know the world probably isn't screwed but maybe be prepared for the worst?
I applaud Russell and Byrne's choice to let the DCU have a different president.
Zan uses his powers to become a disgusting fly to learn where The Scrambler is hiding rather than working a deal with the League of Annoyance. I wonder if Zan craves shit when he's a fly? Probably. But even though all the clues point to Filo Math's place, Zan can't figure it out.
Jayna does figure it out though and she goes to talk some sense into Polly and The Scrambler. But Polly logically suplexes Jayna's argument into the hospital. It's one of those scenes Mark Russell does really well where he explains social problems through character and plot in much the way good comic book writers have been doing for so long that Comicsgaters never really noticed until they felt their frail white masculinity threatened. I'm sure they'd read this, scoop out their eyes, roll them around the room, and then tweet death threats to Gail Simone. But if you gave them Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams early seventies run of Green Lantern/Green Arrow, they'd probably say, "Fuck those faggots too!" Hmm, that sentence really got away from me. I was going to point out that they probably wouldn't have had a problem with those stories even if they were absolutely non-abstract social justice stories but then reality slapped me across the face and said, "You know how those fucking assholes would really react, right?" So sorry about saying the f-word but I just got too into the character of a Comicsgater. It was worse than when I contemplated having to masturbate in my sister's body.
Seriously though, I can't understand the argument about comic books ignoring character and plot to simply put forth social justice agendas because when I think back at all the comic books I've read for the last forty years, the majority of them by a large margin were stories about increasing social justice. What the fuck were these Comicsgaters reading all these years?!
Jayna does figure it out though and she goes to talk some sense into Polly and The Scrambler. But Polly logically suplexes Jayna's argument into the hospital. It's one of those scenes Mark Russell does really well where he explains social problems through character and plot in much the way good comic book writers have been doing for so long that Comicsgaters never really noticed until they felt their frail white masculinity threatened. I'm sure they'd read this, scoop out their eyes, roll them around the room, and then tweet death threats to Gail Simone. But if you gave them Denny O'Neil and Neal Adams early seventies run of Green Lantern/Green Arrow, they'd probably say, "Fuck those faggots too!" Hmm, that sentence really got away from me. I was going to point out that they probably wouldn't have had a problem with those stories even if they were absolutely non-abstract social justice stories but then reality slapped me across the face and said, "You know how those fucking assholes would really react, right?" So sorry about saying the f-word but I just got too into the character of a Comicsgater. It was worse than when I contemplated having to masturbate in my sister's body.
Seriously though, I can't understand the argument about comic books ignoring character and plot to simply put forth social justice agendas because when I think back at all the comic books I've read for the last forty years, the majority of them by a large margin were stories about increasing social justice. What the fuck were these Comicsgaters reading all these years?!
"With our bank accounts!"
If I knew the exact time The Great Scramble was going to happen, I'd leave my body sitting naked in a tub of chocolate pudding with The Exegesis of Philip K. Dick wrapped around my penis.
Lex creates an app called Lexema that will allow family members to stay in contact after The Great Scramble. I just figured everybody would stay in contact because they're still the only ones with their names and passwords on their social media platforms and emails. Unless most people don't know how to use computers in libraries and/or use those password apps to create passwords that their computer remembers for them. I guess Lex probably has a good point with that program. It's not like anybody memorizes phone numbers anymore (which would be useless, of course. I'm just using that as evidence and an example of how people probably won't remember all the passwords they need. I would expect, in The Great Scramble world, the first few months would be all about proving who used to be who and just setting everybody back up in their old lives. Lex's app should be a place where everybody locks in a secret password which they can use to prove who they were prior to The Great Scramble! Man, that would have been the better idea! I think I'm smarter than Lex Luthor!
The world governments actually are instituting laws to protect people all over the world when The Great Scramble goes into effect. So The Scrambler's plan is sort of working! Jayna realize that they can stop The Great Scramble and all of those laws will still happen. The Scrambler will be a hero! But before she can reach Polly and The Scrambler, the Justice League arrives and captures them. Because Zan did some detective work as a water molecule to find where The Scrambler was hiding. And with the capture of The Scrambler, the president and the rest of the world decide not to sign all the laws that would improve the world. Stupid meddling kid!
Wonder Twins #6 Rating: It's still being written by Mark Russell, right? So A+! And that Stephen Byrne guy didn't do too bad a job, whatever it was he does. Draws the boxes the stories go in or something. They were pretty straight! Good job!
Lex creates an app called Lexema that will allow family members to stay in contact after The Great Scramble. I just figured everybody would stay in contact because they're still the only ones with their names and passwords on their social media platforms and emails. Unless most people don't know how to use computers in libraries and/or use those password apps to create passwords that their computer remembers for them. I guess Lex probably has a good point with that program. It's not like anybody memorizes phone numbers anymore (which would be useless, of course. I'm just using that as evidence and an example of how people probably won't remember all the passwords they need. I would expect, in The Great Scramble world, the first few months would be all about proving who used to be who and just setting everybody back up in their old lives. Lex's app should be a place where everybody locks in a secret password which they can use to prove who they were prior to The Great Scramble! Man, that would have been the better idea! I think I'm smarter than Lex Luthor!
The world governments actually are instituting laws to protect people all over the world when The Great Scramble goes into effect. So The Scrambler's plan is sort of working! Jayna realize that they can stop The Great Scramble and all of those laws will still happen. The Scrambler will be a hero! But before she can reach Polly and The Scrambler, the Justice League arrives and captures them. Because Zan did some detective work as a water molecule to find where The Scrambler was hiding. And with the capture of The Scrambler, the president and the rest of the world decide not to sign all the laws that would improve the world. Stupid meddling kid!
Wonder Twins #6 Rating: It's still being written by Mark Russell, right? So A+! And that Stephen Byrne guy didn't do too bad a job, whatever it was he does. Draws the boxes the stories go in or something. They were pretty straight! Good job!
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