Dragon Magazine #179, Part Two: "Magic by Candlelight"

I feel slightly offended by the use of "your" in this article's title.

If your first thought wasn't "Magic candles? Tha fuck?!", you're probably more literate than I am. But I'm sure you had the same visceral reaction. Does your D&D campaign need more magic candles? Does it need any magic candles?! Mister Chamberlain decided his campaign did need magic candles and so he created a bunch of magic candles for his campaign to fuck with his players. See, apparently Gary Gygax only created one magic candle (the Candle of Invocation) which meant Mr. Chamberlain's players knew instantly what the candle did if they found it in a treasure hoard. Shit, man. You can't have that! Sure, I suppose you could tell your players to stop reading the Dungeon Master's Guide because even if they'd encountered a Candle of Invocation prior to the moment they found another candle, what would make them think there's only one type of magic candle unless they had their grubby little cheating mitts on a copy of that book?! Fucking rat bastards. So to trick his jerko players and teach them a lesson, he created new magic candles to fuck with them. You know, instead of doing what nearly every other Dungeon Master in the last forty five years has done: rerolled on the random magic item list when the Candle of Invocation came up.

Half of the articles in Dragon Magazine were written by Dungeon Masters who were sick of their players questioning every rule and needed a new rule or clarification printed in a publication with which the players couldn't argue and the other half were written by Dungeon Masters bragging about some crazy way that they fucked over their players. This is one of the latter articles. "Tired of your players thinking they know everything about every monster and magic item and skill and rule because they've read every single rule book? Try using some of the stuff I made up to fuck with my asshole players!" Oh wait. That was my quote! Here's Mr. Chamberlain's actual quote: "The party had found one of the special magical candles that I had devised to keep players on their toes when treasure-seeking in MY dungeons." Okay, so the emphasis was mine. But you can't help read it that way anyway! "Fucking players think they're going to get one over on me?! They probably expect me to bring in a beholder to keep them on their toes! But no! Just wait until they get a load of this candle!"

Just in case a reader wasn't familiar with the concept of "candles."

I didn't think I needed a history of the candle and after reading one, I was right. But it does get interesting when Mr. Chamberlain delves into the history of candle use in the Dungeons & Dragons world. Mages use wax taken from whales because mages are bad-ass motherfuckers who don't give a shit about anything. They're basically the carnivores of the candlemakers. Seriously, you can't give a shit about the environment if you're casting spells like Meteor Swarm or Time Stop or Wish or Monster Summoning VII (basically "Summon Invasive Species from Hell") or Reverse Gravity. With power like that, what kind of mage is going to blink twice at "Power Word, Kill"ing a few whales?

The cleric is the vegetarian of candlemakers. They use beeswax. Using the labor of the community to enrich yourself is a pretty good metaphor for religion.

Druids are the vegans of candlemakers. They scrape their wax off of berries. Which means for every thousand fat, girthy magic candles that cast Fireball, you'll find one shaped like a chipmunk that casts Animal Friendship.

After reading a bit about magic candles, I've done a complete 180 on them. Can you call a "180" complete when it's technically half of a 360 which is really complete? Anyway, I think campaigns should have more magic candles now! The idea that your characters might need to rely on a Candle of Globe of Invulnerability only to realize there's a stiff breeze could really keep those players on their toes! Forget about wands and scrolls! I'm only ever going to use magic candles from now on!

DM: "A large party of orcs rounds the corner and nearly bumps into you. You have a moment to act as they hesitate from the surprise encounter."
Player:: "I light my Candle of Sleep!"
DM: "You begin rooting through your backpack for your tinder box as the orcs begin reaching for their weapons."
Player:: "I hurry up and light that candle!"
DM:: "The orcs seem slightly amused that you're fumbling in your pack and begin to laugh as you pull out your flint and steel and begin trying to ignite the wick."
Player:: "Come on! Come on!"
DM:: "The biggest orc starts miming your actions and then makes a rude gesture toward his crotch as you finally get a spark that lights the candle."
Player:: "I hold the candle aloft and yell, 'Naptime, jerks!'"
DM:: "It's just as you finish your one-liner that you realize a few of the labels have fallen off your candles and you've apparently lit the wrong one. The cave begins to fill with a deadly chlorine gas."
Player:: "I light my Candle of Sweet Smell!"

At least the artist, Thomas Baxa, attempted to make candles look cool.

I hear loud guitar riffs and high-pitched scream-singing when I look at this.