Green Lantern Corps #14

It's okay. Guy can't be assimilated until they tear his arm off.

Last issue, this Rise of the Third Army thing was causing trouble with the Green Lantern Corps. How's that for a summation? Can't get better than that! Unless you want details but who needs details? The devil is in the details and nobody wants to be tempted into sin! So I refuse to provide details in anything I do. Sure, sometimes my life can get pretty confusing and chaotic. But at least the devil isn't in me!

Anyway, this one Green Lantern had something bad happen to him which made some other Green Lanterns develop a feeling. And this other guy escaped from this place with the help of these other jerks so that he could do this thing. Oh! And the one guy, you know the guy, he had to go off into space by himself to do the thing the jerks asked him to do. And so here we are now!

I know! Totally!

The Green Lanterns don't want the Third Army to do that thing they do to any more of them, so they do their own thing to the Third Army! But the Green Lantern's thing proves ineffective! What are these things?!

Meanwhile, the jerks are watching their Third Army do similar things to other creatures across the universe. Oooh! That was titillating, adding the across the universe detail. I hope nobody was watching me when I sinned like that! Maybe all of the nosy ghosts and self-righteous angels were watching other wayward people masturbate furiously and judging them so they didn't see me use any teeny, tiny details. Uh oh! Now I'm using details all over the Goddamned place! Details are like a bottomless pit of extravagant sexual acts! I'm drowning in adjectival poontang! I'm being bukkaked by descriptive clauses! Damn you, Green Lantern Corps! Damn you! You were my undoing!

Oh well. Even though those were awful thoughts and awful words, what was I going to do? They was already said. I'll just let them stay said; and never think no more about them. I'll shove the whole thing out of my head, and I'll take up wickedness again, which is in my line, being brung up to it. And for a starter I'll say anthin' I want about Green Lantern Corps no matter how many details I have ta use; and if I can think up anything worse, I'll do that, too; because as long as I was in, and in for good, I might as well go the whole hog!

Shit shit shit. Use of details sent me straight into plagiarizing! How am I ever going to atone for these vile and shameful actions? Maybe if I'm real nice and super kind to the creative team of The Green Lantern Corps, it'll balance out all of the wickedness and sin. Okay. Calm down. I can do this!

No! That's not right at all!

From details to plagiarism to perverse photoshops! I cannot slow my decent into hell! If only I had the willpower of a Green Lantern, I could fix this. I can fix it all!

Ha ha ha! Fix it MY WAY, bitches!

It's all mine to control! I can reform reality with my words and my scary photoshopping skills! I control the horizontal! I control the vertical! I will control all that you see and hear! It's my only choice, really! Down the other path, the road to forgiveness, the trail to goodness and light, I see me sincerely apologizing to Scott Lobdell, begging forgiveness from J.T. Krul, smiling giddily at Rob Liefeld's artwork! I cannot abide that decision. I will tear humility and politeness from my bones and craft a sword of vengeful wrath from my own sweat and sinew! Never again will I apologize for being too harsh! A new day has come and it has been heralded by masturbating Green Lanterns!

I now know why the Guardians do the things they do. Simply because they can.

The Third Army rips the offending hands from the masturbating Green Lanterns and assimilates them into their puritanical collective. To save himself, Guy must jerk off furiously as the Third Army (and thus, The Guardians of the Universe) watches hypnotically with their creepy little borrowed eyes.

Look at them! Their eyes can't stand seeing the deed which they denied themselves done!

Guy's mighty ejaculation plunges him faster and faster into deep space. The Third Army have no genitals and thus no ability to fly as fast as Guy. He escapes and The Guardians of the Universe are left disappointed and unfulfilled.

The Green Lantern Corps makes so much more sense now that I know "willpower" has always been a euphemism!

While Guy is busy kidnapping his family and dropping them off with the Justice League to babysit for a few days to keep them safe from Xar, Kilowog and Salaak team up to solve a mystery. They realize that the Guardians are keeping the rings of all the dead lanterns and any new rings being manufactured from leaving Oa. The Universe will have no more dirty, filthy Green Lantern hands making perverse constructs for their own self-pleasuring orgies.

Meanwhile in deep space, John Stewart is trying to put Mogo back together again. But how can a gigantic planet be a Green Lantern? How is it supposed to jerk itself off? And then it becomes apparent when Fatality's Love Ring seeks out Mogo to become a Star Sapphire. Mogo must have been tired with self-love and so she enticed John Stewart to use his power on her. But he was too powerful and he split her apart, sending her steaming shrapnel all across the universe. But his Green Lantern love-making was just too much for her and she has been pining for him ever since. Which is why Fatality's ring sought out Mogo to become a Star Sapphire.

Green Lantern rings are about pleasing oneself. Violet Lantern rings are about fucking others. And sometimes a Green Lantern needs more than endless nights of ecstatic joy and ruined sheets.
Back on Oa, Guy Gardner is getting his cramped wrist slapped by the Guardians.

Maybe The Bible had a typo and Onan was actually Oan.

The Guardians have spent billions of years trying to get sentient beings to stop masturbating. First they thought a bunch of emotionless robots could keep people from masturbating but the Guardians apparently frowned on the Manhunters handing out death sentences for handling oneself. So they made the Green Lantern Corps who were supposed to have enough willpower not to masturbate. But instead, they became fixated on the ring on their hand and their ability to create with any emission they could imagine. Stamina took the place of willpower and the universe became their cosmic spunk receptacle. So finally, The Guardians have managed to create a being that can't lust after anyone because everyone else is itself. Okay, okay. That sounds like it would lead to masturbation. But how often do you masturbate thinking about yourself? Yeah, I know. Sometimes. But very rarely! And for those occasions when a being is turned on by itself, The Third Army was created without genitalia! Ha ha! No more masturbation, bitches!

The Guardians continue to shame Guy in front of the entire Corps.

Stop tainting yourself, you oversexed maniac!

Guy Gardner is forced to resign and give back his ring. Afterward, the Guardians zap him back to Earth to his garage and all the spooge he ever spooged while in the service of the Green Lantern Corps.

Um. Eww.

Green Lantern Corps #14 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't care if I'm rating this comic on my own enjoyment of the masturbation myth I've created or the actual content of the comic book.