Elongated Man: Europe '92 #4 (April 1992)

Sonar trapped in Ralph's bunghole.

So far I've enjoyed this series but I'm also sort of glad it's over. I don't imagine Elongated Man could make four issues interesting without Sue Dibny, and I don't think Sue can carry much more than four. She's adorable and all but she's still married to the nose twitcher. And Sonar?! Please. Why'd I even mention him? Never more than an F-tier Green Lantern foe, he's only elevated in this series because his cohorts are all ridiculous foods from various European countries. Sadly, no villain based on a Communion Wafer attacks any of the conferences.

Last issue ended with Ralph being stalked by the Wurstwaffe, a mob of German supervillains that dress like sausages. This issue begins with them beating him senseless with a massive German penis.

I just wanted to show the German guy's cock. Dibny's head is way too far out of frame.

These German chodes reveling in violence remind me of some certain half a country of people but I just can't put my non-American-Nazi finger on it.

Each member of the Wurstwaffe's personality is based on the type of sausage they are. Bloodwurst makes people bleed by killing them. Weisswurst is a white guy who is shocked at the violence of the others for some reason. Leberwurst is, um, alive? Like a "liver," a person who lives? No? Knockwurst knocks people's heads together. Bratwurst whines. I think that's all the types of sausage there are. I suppose I just don't get some of the German-to-English punning, or I'm missing some literary trope because why is Liverwurst such a mother figure to the group? I get why they all hate him because Leberwurst sounds gross. But why does he always do everything for everybody? Oh! Is that because the liver is the workhorse of all the organs? But then why is Weisswurst such a Goddamn pussy? Does "white" imply "innocent and naïve" here?

After defeating the Wurstwaffe, Ralph learns who's behind the attacks on the European ambassadors.

You'll wait until Sue saves the day?

Sonar reveals to Sue how he tricked the Justice League into believing he was imprisoned by sending over a drunk Sonar look-a-like with substandard weapons. But his plan worked so well that Bito was left insulted by their belief that Sonar was such an incompetent asshole. That just expresses the importance of branding. You don't name yourself "Sonar" while using sonic weapons and think you're going to be the next villain to stymie every hero in the DC Universe during a big summer Annual event. At best, Sonar is just Count Vertigo with a worse name; at worst, he's just a toddler making a racket with his noisy toys.

Sue tries to piss him off by sarcastically asking him if he keeps the people of his country away from outsiders so nobody could see how happy they are.

Ouch, Bito. Not now, man.

Don't worry if that caption doesn't make sense to you. You just read this post divorced from the context of the day it was written.

Bito explains that he keeps the population of Modora away from technology so that things don't ride mankind and whatnot. He also points out that nobody in Europe believes in a superior race. Except for Bito. He still believes because he believes he is superior. Being that he's gone off on this Nazi tangent, Sue decides to do the right thing.

Saving the world one punch at a time.

Sue's act of defiance lights a fire under the people of Modora who begin a secret campaign to revolt. They fear they can't count on outside help since Modora is separated from the rest of Europe by a large mountain range and Archduke Bito's sonar technology blocks all forms of communication from entering or leaving the country. Little do they know, a hero has just parachuted into their country using his body as a parachute after stealing airfare from an airline flying between Berlin and Athens. These heroes really just do whatever they want, don't they?

I'm not against the heroes doing whatever they want! I trust they'll use their outrageous powers for the common good because of the pretext that I'm reading about their exploits in a comic book from 1992 when comic books still pretty much cared about heroes being heroic. But if Elongated Man were real, I wouldn't trust the fuck out of him. Although if Elongated Man were real then Sue Dibny would be too and, well, that's pretty hot.

The Modorans shoot Ralph out of the sky and he's knocked silly by the fall. But not killed! I knew he was invulnerable. I wonder if being invulnerable also means you can't get Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy? Imagine how punch drunk Ralph would be, well on his way to more serious brain issues. He's already been concussed about ten times in just the last few days alone.

Ralph uses a herd of sheep on the ground to help him escape the Modoran military when they come looking for him.

This is a clever way to make a joke about the sheepherder fucking his sheep because the Comics Code Authority can't refute that this kid just names his sheep after their wool styles.

This entire series has been way more horny than it has any right to be. I suppose the title Elongated Man just sets the tone for loads and loads of sex jokes. Plus his wife is super horny.

The people of Modora nurse Ralph back to health in the few minutes they're given before the army breaks down the door where they're keeping Ralph. Ralph escapes out the chimney which must never be used because he doesn't wind up looking like a frat guy on Halloween who doesn't give a shit about social norms or historic context and believes speech is free for everybody except people who might criticize his ignorant choice of costume.

Ralph heads to Bito's castle to save Sue but she's already saved herself. So instead, he gets into a fist fight with Bito who, obviously, explains his entire plan. It's not that complicated. He just loved getting rich selling weapons to various European countries and knew he'd sell way less weapons of war with a united Europe. Did he not think, "Maybe I can sell other shit? Like Modoran Beats Headphones? Or Surround Sound Stereo set-ups? Why does everything have to be about war and fighting? Why are so many people so fucking angry all of the time?

This isn't about me! I'm not really angry all the time anyway! I'm just being hyperbolic for the LOLs! Stop fucking critiquing me! I critique you!

Nobody even waffles. They fucking hate Sonar, don't they?

Once the people revolt, Bito stops fighting. He refuses to raise a weapon against his people, seeing them as innocent waifs corrupted by the outside world. He flees to defeat the world later in an arc over in Justice League Europe later. For now, Sue and Ralph simply finish their vacation in the quaint country of Modora while completely forgetting about the European Union because boring.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #4 Rating: A. Sue saves the day, just like we all knew Sue would. It's a trope as old as The Bible where the main hero/detective must win the day but they're kind of incompetent so their right hand man/woman/cat/dog does all the work to make sure that the villain/Son of God is apprehended and brought to justice. But the brains behind the mystery solving is seldom as sexy and horny and flirtatious as the one in this story. Sue Dibny just steals this entire narrative. That's probably why Sue and Ralph are such an iconic couple in the DC Universe. Because alone, Ralph Dibny is annoying. But with Sue at his side, they become a comedy pair and an example of a couple who really care about each other (even if one of them is fucking disgusting. How does Sue get it up after seeing what Ralph can do with that neck? I suppose it's because she also gets to see what Ralph does with his penis and ass sphincter). Overall, good book. Good story. Great fucking art. And only whatever children Gerard Jones victimized while writing this were hurt! Hmm, that's not actually a good trade-off, is it? Forget I even mentioned Gerard Jones' criminal hobbyhorse which he was ultimately convicted of so I can mention it without fear of legal action! Hopefully after Mosaic, I won't have much more of Gerard Jones's work to read.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 (March 1992)

From Copperhead's Who's Who entry: "Weaknesses: nausea inducing carnival rides."

If Elongated Man accidentally kills Copperhead this issue, the Italian courts will not find him guilty because his defense is "My wife is off fucking an Archduke." In Italy, if your spouse fucks a royal from any country, you're allowed one free murder (two if they're small). The Flash, on the other hand, isn't allowed any free murders so punching a guy in the face while running at superspeed is a huge risk.

Wait, Ralph. Why? Does Wally West hate Italians?!

I would think, statistically, The Flash would be the guy you'd most expect to bump into anywhere in the world. Being he's practically the only one who can be anywhere at anytime for any reason and not because he's such a huge fan of traveling abroad and learning about other cultures. Does The Flash need a passport or am I just asking ridiculous questions now? Obviously, he's a masked vigilante! Certain laws can never apply to you if nobody knows who you really are. Like, um, most of them, I guess! Shit. Are superheroes the baddies?

I didn't know Wally West was gay.

I don't think Wally is gay because he'd rather be at somebody else's wedding. Not even gay people probably love that. I think he's gay because he has such a close relationship with his mother that he wants to help her get in her dress! Weird. Maybe I shouldn't have said gay; maybe what I meant was incestuous.

Wally informs Ralph that he's here in Italy because Sue called him. Sue must have seen some news footage of Trampolina with Ralph in the background sticking both of his eyeballs out about five feet and screaming, "Ayoooogah!", while clapping his hands which he stretched to look like seal fins.

Things I have learned from this mini-series: Wally West is from Nebraska. Ralph Dibny is from Nebraska. Sue Dibny's private parts are constantly steaming hot and throbbing.

Who would have ever thought I'd be nostalgic for a time when Europe was trying to form a peaceful coalition of countries working together instead of everybody being right wing fucking bastards who just want to split and divide and act like assholes.

I was probably paying so little attention to European politics in 1992 that I barely understood what was going on in this comic book. In winter of 1992, I was probably most concerned with how to ditch the woman who took my virginity because I wanted to sit in my basement and play Apple IIe games and she wanted to, you know, do stuff. And I don't just mean sex stuff! I mean like go out to eat. Or go to the boardwalk. Or hang out with friends! She was so needy with all of her normal person, mundane desires!

I can't believe she wanted to fuck me! Such a loser! I mean me, not her!

Oh wait. I got the dates wrong. That was 1991 when I was trying to ditch her! In '92, I was trying to ditch the woman who began fucking me while I was sleeping! Although she was pretty easy to ditch because she knew what she had done!

I was just re-watching Peep Show recently and had forgotten that Mark had the same thing happen to him! But he felt a bit weirder about it because he was dreaming about his mother when he woke up to being fucked. I don't remember what I was dreaming. Probably something about me being at a party and shoving my dick in the oysters.

Ralph questions Calamari who reveals that somebody calling themselves the "Friend of Eurocrime" sent out some messages about how Europe will be harder to do crimes in if the Union happens. So all the criminals who are as dumb as the average conservative American who fell for that shit and began attacking the conferences and ambassadors to get them to stop. But Calamari decides to quit because he didn't realize he'd have to battle The Flash!

Meanwhile in Modora, Sue makes an excuse so she doesn't have to get to know Bito any better over wine and a nice cozy fire. It seems he's not as charming as he thought he was. So now he just has to eavesdrop on her all night. What a creep.

Wally West gives Ralph some last minute advice before running back to Nebraska to catch his mother's wedding.

The Pied Piper knows what's up. I'm surprised Wally listened to him.

Ralph already suspected the American ambassador because he's a huge chud. But he was so eager to blame everything on the guy Sue is hot for that he didn't trust his feelings. Sure, we all know his jealous feelings are the feelings pointing toward the correct leader of these assassination attempts. But it wouldn't be a mystery without a number of suspects! And, what do I know? Maybe it is the American chud! I've never been good at solving mysteries even though I read loads of Alfred Hitchcock books and magazines as a kid!

Sue's beginning to long for Ralph to be by her side as the shine begins wearing off of Bito's archdukiness and his good manners and his charming personality and his deep, deep pockets. But it doesn't last long before she's hopped up and ready to hop some other man.

Oooh! Stanford! A fancy lad!

I know Sue is just being friendly. I'm not one of those guys who thinks just because a woman is nice to me it means she's interested. Hell, a woman can practically put her hand down the front of the pants and I wouldn't think she's interested! I mean, I'd figure it out pretty quickly in that case. But mostly I'm pretty fucking blind to it.

Sue fishes about for some information about Modora from this young engineer working at the Institute of Loud Sounds. But he quickly realizes he's going to get himself in trouble, what with all of the technology in the place being built around sound probably meaning everything has a microphone in it. Which it does. He takes off before he reveals something that might make Sonar disappear him.

"Away" is bolded because Sue usually seduces them.

Seduce is a synonym for fuck a person's brains out. I figured over half of America are illiterate dullards so I should explain the easy (although less easy than other) words.

Bito learns that all of the shitty European super villains are giving up on the plan because they're afraid to battle Elongated Man. Did I say they were shitty? I meant super duper shitty. Imagine being afraid of Elongated Man?! What the fuck? This must be Gerard Jones' way of taking the piss out of Europe. All they can muster are stereotypical villains like Lutefisk from Denmark and Toad-in-the-Hole from Britain and L'Escargot from France and Calamari from Italy. The only villains willing to keep on going are the German villains. They're probably going to be based on Sausages and Genocide.

The next conference is in Berlin so we'll find out soon enough!

Yeah, yeah. I know I kept saying the first conference was in Berlin back in Issue #1. But I was being purposefully stupid! Duh! I'm an American! I didn't recognize the Eifel Tower and the French language and the long breads!

Ralph continues to investigate at the Berlin conference but he really mostly just spends time with his head interviewing Trampolina and his lower half probably in a bathroom somewhere tugging one out.

That's it. I'm now a member of the Pink Party.

Ralph drags himself away from Trampolina when he sees the French Ambassador arguing with the German Ambassador, mostly because the American Ambassador was pushing their buttons. The English Ambassador whines about the entire party and marches off to find some cucumber sandwiches. That's when the Sausage Brothers, um, attack?

Whatever is happening here just caused me to make currywurst in my pants.

It's understandable that one of the Sausage Brothers has a gigantic uncircumcised boner. Trampolina's flippin' hot.

It's weird to describe a penis as "an uncircumcised penis," right? That's just a fucking penis. I should only point out if it's been circumcised. Saying "uncircumcised" is like using a double negative.

The German gang of sausage men call themselves the Wurstwaffe. They manage to subdue all of the Ambassadors and then begin sneaking up on Ralph as he contemplates the mystery of the mysterious assassins. Meanwhile in Modora, Sue has caused a bit of trouble by investigating too much and she's being arrested by the Modoran army.

Yes, "arrested" just meant "arrested" and not "consensually fucked by." Sue's not just a sex object for your prurient thoughts! Get your head out of the gutter! Sue's an intelligent woman with a great personality and, in a few more years, footprints in her brain! So stop being so crass!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 Rating: A. Why is this stupid comic book so entertaining? I think because it's so stupid! It's just fun and I'm always saying after I say a lot of nonsense and vulgar words, "Comic books should be fun!" You might not remember me saying that recently but I'm pretty sure I said something like that back when I was reading The New 52's Demon Knights or All Star Western! Oh, and Gotham Academy! And Batgirl when she was living in that gentrified hipster part of Gotham! Fun comics are so much fun!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 (February 1992)

If I ever see Warp out of his costume, I'm going to have nightmares about it until I die.

Characters whose costumes make their necks look impossible terrify me. Like Black Manta. And I guess Warp as seen here although Warp could be using his warp technology to make his face appear at the other end of that Dune Sandworm collar he's wearing. This being terrified of neck dysmorphia stems from being a small child flipping through a copy of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and seeing that one Tenniel illustration depicting Alice after she's eaten a bit of the "Eat Me" cake.

I used to flip quickly through the book to get a glimpse of this image and scare the shit out of myself. On purpose.

Maybe this is why I can't stand The Elongated Man! That fucker can't spend ten minutes without stretching his neck out to ridiculous lengths.

Last issue, we learned that Sue Dibny wants to fuck the ruler of Modora, Sonar. We also learned Ralph Dibny wants to fuck mysteries more than he wants to fuck Sue. How is this the strongest marriage in the DC Universe? I mean before Sue was murdered by Brad Meltzer. Maybe Elongated Man constantly has his dick inside Sue and that's what really turns them on. How, you're asking? Please. The easiest trick in the book! He just stretches his penis down to near microscopic levels from his pant leg to Sue's hoo-hoo. Then he expands it as big as Sue wants! And there's no fear of somebody accidentally snapping it by tripping on it or something because Elongated Man is indestructible, right?

Ralph and Sue have traveled to Modora after being invited by Archduke Bito (who is also Sonar). They had been invited to some European Union summit in Paris for some reason and discovered that ambassadors were being targeted for assassination. Ralph thought that they should stick with the European Union Tour of '92 so they could attempt to catch the culprit but Sue, after being continuously hot-breathed by Sonar at the meeting where an ambassador was killed, realized he was probably the culprit. She convinced Ralph they should go to Modora to investigate and maybe have sex with its leader, if there's time.

Archduke Bito gives the Dibneys a short tour of the idyllic country life married to technologies of the 21st Century. It's such a utopian setting that Ralph can't help thinking Archduke Bito is up to no good. Also Sue wants to fuck him so obviously he doesn't trust the son of a sheepdog.

She's so fucking repulsed by him!

Archduke Bito probably blows his supervillain reveal too early in this mini-series for Sue to accidentally fuck him. Which is probably why she's so horny for Captain Atom later. I like to think she eventually did fuck Captain Atom but that means she would have had to beat out Catherine Cobert in the dash to his dick. Sure, he could have fucked them both, but Cap seemed way too awkward to pull that off. I'm sure he just fucked one of them one single time and then blustered his way out of the laundry room swearing to avoid all contact with them until he died and/or became Monarch and/or didn't become Monarch because DC editorial are cowards but he had already been written out of everything because he was supposed to be Monarch which is why he ended up in that fucking terrible Armageddon: The Alien Agenda. My main point is that Captain Atom probably fucked Sue and Catherine, probably at different times.

I just realized something. Does the plot of this mini-series have nothing to do with Sue's high horniness levels?! Fuck. Have I just let my male gaze run rampant all over my critique of this story?! Shit shit shit. Um, okay, forget about Sue's swollen vulva and Ralph's fat and also microscopically thin hog! It's time to get serious about political intrigue and the formation of the European Union which the British never really took to heart which is why they up and fucked themselves about thirty years later.

Ralph finally realizes why he finds Archduke Bito so familiar: he's Sonar, an old Green Lantern foe! But Sue is all, "Sonar's in jail, you jealous idiot. It can't be him."

Goddammit, Sue! I'm trying to move away from the "Sue's displaying legendary volumes of horniness on main" thesis statement!

It's possible Sue and Ralph discussed all of this "Bito is Sonar" stuff in the shitter on the plane into Modora so they know they're being eavesdropped on everywhere (except in the shitter of the plane because, ew, gross). So they're making as big a display as possible of their marriage in sexual shambles and Sue basically rubbing one out every time Bito's name is mentioned.

I'm sorry! I'd love to drop all the "Sue wants to fuck Bito" shit but I think it's integral to catching the baddie!

While Sue gets changed for dinner with Bito, Ralph stretches himself throughout the building's vents to spy on Bito. Seems a bit gay when your hot wife is sexily undressing in the next room! I don't know if women undress sexily because any time a woman undresses to me, it's fucking sexy. Except if it's because she just fell in a vat of sewage and is throwing up all over the place as she tears off her shit-matted clothes. That's only slightly sexy. But she'd probably appreciate me running in with a hose and, oh boy, now it's getting very sexy!

Ralph discovers Bito has been setting eavesdropping equipment all over the European Unity Tour's various locations. He then discovers Sonar's costume to put the nail in the mystery's coffin. But then he trigger's a trap and is killed by a blast of sonic noise. Ralph's lower half is still in his apartment though so that's going to be a gross little discovery for Sue.

Do you think Ralph's shits are normal? I'm not thinking about Ralph's shits because I like to think about another man's shits. I was just thinking, "Don't you shit when you die?" Then I was picturing Sue coming out of the bathroom putting on her last earring and discovering the unmoving lower half of her husband with massive ropes of shit streaming out of his boxers and his upper torso hanging out of the window. Then she'd probably yell, "Yahoo! Bito's dick, here I come! And come! And come! Oh mama!"

I can only picture sexual situations as Looney Tunes cartoons.

How can you ever again get wet for a man whose body you've seen do this?

At dinner, Bito admits that Modora suffers from the shame of Sonar, one of Bito's relatives who stole his name. Bito keeps the costume in his bedroom as a reminder. Also Sonar stole all of their sonic technology. Sue nods her head and says, "Yes, yes! That all makes perfect sense. Excuse me while I mop my pussy with one of these expensive napkins."

After dinner, Ralph catches a report from Italy that some villain named Calamari has disrupted the European Unity conference in Rome. He begins packing while Sue does not begin packing at all. She refuses to go with him. She doesn't say it's because he's constantly stretching his neck to fifty meters and twitching his nose like a rabbit finishing up a gram of cocaine but we all know those are two of the biggest reasons. She does sort of admit she's embarrassed by him so I guess that covers what I mentioned.

Is that "amazing technology" bit a threat about how she's about to use Sonar's vibrational sound machine?!

Ralph and Sue are hamming it up a bit too much in that last page for anybody to believe they're being serious. I mean anybody who doesn't actually think they're about to fuck Sue Dibny. If I were Bito and listening in on this, I'd probably have to change my underpants before Sue arrived in the library. And quickly make up an excuse about how the Linden Trees outside the window are currently in bloom.

Ralph travels to Italy without Sue while Sue "investigates" Bito. Ralph still seems to think the culprit might be the American ambassador because he's basically against the European Union and, you know, he's American. For some reason, he doesn't suspect the Italian Ambassador, Trampolina.

Sue Dibny who?

I have, from time to time, been known to say ACAB. But Trampolina in a sexy cop costume obviously doesn't count. She's the only good cop.

Sue winds up shopping a bunch and mooning over her husband who left her to fend for herself while Ralph winds up walking through dark alleys alone missing Sue. But Sue doesn't get attacked by Copperhead, Calamari, and Warp on the final page of the comic book. And Sue doesn't appreciate the appearance of The Flash just as she's about to be killed by the three aforementioned villains.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 Rating: A. It's weird how much I'm enjoying a comic book about Ralph and Sue not getting along on their European vacation because Sue wants to get dicked 24/7 and Ralph doesn't want to do any dicking. Maybe being all rubbery causes a loss of testosterone? Or maybe there's another reason I just can't put my finger on.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #1 (January 1992)

Sue would rather be getting dicked hard than stopping this snail guy from robbing a cotillion.

By the '90s, Elongated Man was never going to be a strong enough character to carry his own series. And we all know the only reason he got this mini-series was due to his wife, Sue. Sue's probably the only reason I picked it up. Oh, and it only cost $1.00. People would take a chance on more comic books when they were easily affordable. I could make $20.00 in one day of yard work around my block, buy fifteen comic books and still have enough to go see a movie with my friends or hang out at the mall for 5 hours straight or take the bus to Great America where I had a season pass that probably cost only $20.00 itself and which let us spend all summer there. People often talk about inflation as if everything evens out between wages and how much shit costs. But they're fucking wrong because kids used to be able to afford to do a ton of shit with not much cash because a dollar went further and also because they were fucking allowed to go places without parents and people didn't completely freak the fuck out. And we didn't have iPhone lifelines to each other. We just disappeared into the Santa Cruz mountains on our bikes on a Saturday morning and our parents didn't know if we were alive or dead until we got back in the evening. Or called from Santa Cruz hoping they'd come pick us up because we actually biked from Santa Clara to Santa Cruz and didn't want to have to ride back over the Santa Cruz mountains to get home. But then our parents were all, "You fucked up, man. That's on you. Figure it out." So we shrugged and hitched a ride back up the mountain in the back of some guy's pickup truck after a detour where he took us down this weird side road into the forest to show off the boxing ring in his sketchy youth camp. Eventually he took us back to the ridge and we rode back down into Cupertino where we stopped at Taco Bravo for dinner before heading back down Bascom and into Santa Clara where our parents were all, "So what did you guys do?" And we were all, "Oh, nothing. Just riding around."

You know how many times I almost died riding my BMX or 10-speed up the Santa Cruz mountains? Like, um, three times probably! Four if you figure that guy we hitched a ride from thought better of murdering us all!

Oh, I know another reason I might have picked up this comic book: Mike Parobeck's art! He did a run on Justice Society of America later that same year which I also picked up mostly because of the art and the cover price. I dig his animation style.

Based on all the clues in this opening splash page, I'm going to guess this takes place in Berlin.

Why is Elongated Man chasing down Copperhead in the streets of Berlin? I don't know! This comic book began "In Media Res" which means "in the middle res". I suppose if I were a superhero having a nice day out in Berlin and suddenly saw a person dressed as a giant man-snake and is a known American hit-man, I might feel compelled to stop him doing whatever hit-manning he might be doing.

Although Sue makes at least four pretty strong arguments about why I might just mind my own business.

Three of Sue's arguments are not those cops who can maybe take care of the local crime themselves. Her four strong arguments (as if I need to explain such obvious arguments that any man can plainly see with their own eyes) are her fashion sense, her speed, the cute shocked expressions she makes, and her vulva.

Sue saves Ralph's life by throwing her fancy hat at Copperhead who apparently has a fancy hat phobia because he freaks out as if a crocodile had just latched itself to his face. It only keeps him down for a few moments but that's enough time for Sue's three non-arguments to catch up and arrest him.

The appearance of Warp interrupts Ralph who was probably about to finish, "Gay Park, Berlin, Germany."

Warp teleports Copperhead away from the cops. But now Elongated Man's nose begins twitching and Sue's vulva unswells because she knows there won't be any more fucking on this vacation. Ralph Dibny has a bigger boner for mysteries than he has for Sue's underpants. I guess he solved that mystery years ago and there's simply no allure for him anymore. Oh! I think I just solved the mystery of why they're in Gay Park, Berlin!

Sue reminds Ralph that they don't have time for mysteries that don't concern locating her sex opening with his sex rod and then doing sex. Except also they don't have time for that because they have to go to some fancy banquet where some minister of something is going to announce some policy of something. I could probably explain it better but it's fucking boring and the speech bubbles are plastered all around Sue trying to get dressed for the event so most of my brain power was used up in getting the boner while looking at Sue in her slip.

Ralph decides to wear a hideous purple tuxedo to the event and Sue points out that it's as ugly as his Elongated Man costume. Ralph seems to act like this is the first time he's heard that criticism when it seems like it should be the five millionth time he's heard it.

Does "provincial" mean "homophobic"?

That was a rhetorical question because I know the answer is yes.

Sue breaks the 4th wall at the bottom of page six as she gives Ralph a handjob.

You don't know. That could be Ralph's dick.

At the banquet or buffet or whatever the fuck large political gatherings on which a fuckton of the population's money has been spent, Ralph winds up swamped by fans wanting pictures and autographs. It must be a slow night at the rich people's party if Elongated Man's the most famous person there. Sue strictly told him no stretching or being famous so when he goes against her strict party rules, she wanders off to find a super hot guy in a uniform and tight pants to fuck.

Is it gay for me to want to see Sue's delicate hand pull this gentleman's giant hog out of his pants to watch it stiffen across a few panels? Whatever. I'm gay then! Fuck off.

That gentleman is Sonar. You can tell because he has such a mastery of sound that he can make his speech bubble go behind his leg! Maybe that indicates he's talking out of his asshole? Or his penis is speaking that line about loving the collision!

I'm fairly certain we see Sue Dibny orgasm on the next page.

She's so disappointed when she finds out he knows she's married!

Sue and Ralph have such a strong marriage that Sue doesn't mind when Ralph clumsily flirts with his hot co-workers and Ralph doesn't mind when Sue eye fucks Captain Atom and Superman and Sonar and pretty much every other guy aside from Wally West and Dmitri Pushkin. Also I think maybe you can take the "eye" out of that last sentence. My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying from uterine cancer after having an affair with Captain Atom and Ralph faked her "murder" with help from Jean Loring to save her reputation. Sue may or may not have been in on it. Also Jean Loring may or may not have been in on it. She was probably tricked into participating in Sue's euthanasia.

Sue does enjoy fucking a lot of hot guys who don't bend weird and have twitching noses but she doesn't like it when they think it's going to be easy to get into her underpants.

Spot on? Amazingly perceptive? Right on the money?

I'm sure a lot of people love the stability of Sue and Ralph's marriage, something to be counted on for all time (I mean, until Identity Crisis, of course). But I think Sue is too hot and sexy to not imagine her fucking every hot guy she lays her eyes on! I bet she'd even fuck Etrigan!

Has Sue Dibny ever been in a DC movie? I think she should be played by Aubrey Plaza.

Somebody named L'Escargot crashes the party really, really slowly. He terrifies nearly nobody until he begins puking slime on diplomats. And while it doesn't really cause anybody any harm, it's super embarrassing for the host country of the party, Germany. Ralph tries to catch L'Escargot with his gigantic rubber fist but L'Escargot just cums in his hand and escapes.

I didn't spend all those years as a man and not learn that "SPLORK" is the sound effect of a penis ejaculating.

If Ralph can jerk off some guy at this party, then Sue has every right to get her hands around some penis too.

Sonar manages to knock out L'Escargot with his sonic powers while making it look like he simply punched him out. And also, I was wrong about the slime not causing anybody harm.

See? German!

I just realized the reason for this 1992 European Tour. They're holding these conferences to work out all the kinks in forming the European Union! It's existed for over half my life so it's something that I tend to forget hasn't always been a thing. No more Francs and Deutschmarks and Lira and Goldoons! Although still Pounds for some reason. I suppose Brexit shouldn't have been too surprising when your country feels exempt from completely switching currency the way everybody else did.

I don't know which ambassador for what country was killed by L'Escargot but it wasn't the French or the German or the Italian. Thank God it wasn't the Italian ambassador!

How did any of this get past the Comics Code Authority?!

Ralph begins to suspect that the person behind the attacks must not want a united Europe! And he's really suspecting that America would be that person! I mean country! Unless it's just the American ambassador going rogue and then person is okay. But I suspect it's probably Sonar! Because, you know, he's a villain.

As things settle down at the party and the corpse is hidden away in a backroom, Sonar invites the Dibnys to Modora. But Ralph, seeing how Sue has been looking at him all night and smelling the sex fumes coming from her drippy drawers with his twitchy nose, refuses the invite. Smart man! But later that night, Sue can't stop thinking about Sonar's fat cock on her tongue.

"Don't you think we should be experimenting with other dicks in or around my other orifices?"

Now I really, really think Aubrey Plaza should play Sue Dibny in a movie and not just in the fantasy playing in my head right now.

Ralph sort of refuses to take Sue seriously because he's taking his marriage for granted. But Sue doesn't want to take their marriage for granted. Sue wants to fuck Count Bito.

I guess technically this comic book isn't X-rated but it's definitely caused an abundance of X-rated panels in my head.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 Rating: A. I understand that Sue doesn't actually want to fuck Sonar. I get that she's the Penny to Ralph's Inspector Gadget, the snickering cat to Ralph's Hong Kong Phooey. Ralph thinks the mystery is in Paris. I mean Berlin. But Sue already realizes the mystery will be unraveled only once they're allowed in Modora. And she probably doesn't want to fuck Sonar but he definitely makes her wet. Why won't Ralph fuck Sue while speaking in a Modoran accent? Doesn't he love his hot young sexy wife?! I can't believe I enjoyed an Elongated Man comic book this much.

Emerald Dawn II #6 (September 1991)

"To prove your innocence, Sinestro, you must shit your pants in front of us all!" -- That one Guardian with a shit fetish

It's weird that the Guardians hold trials. Yes, I'm suggesting they abuse their power and simply punish who they want to punish whenever they want to punish them. They probably feel guilty and just as much to blame for what happened to Korugar since they allowed Sinestro's Eddie Haskell put-on to dupe them for so many years. Which means this isn't just the trial of Sinestro; it's the trial of The Guardians as well! It's also, if you've been following along, the trial of Hal Jordan. Not just because he was also arrested by the Fists of the Guardians but because he needs to learn about arrogance and pride and realize that he deserved the 90 days in prison for the stupid shit he pulled on Earth. If it takes the downfall of the greatest Green Lantern in history for Hal Jordan to learn the simplest lesson then sorry, Sinestro, but you've got to go. There's only one actually important character in this series and that's Guy Gardner. I mean Hal Jordan.

Uh oh. Somebody's having a Hal Jordan moment.

Hopefully Hal Jordan begins to see how arrogant and awful he sounds when he complains to Guy and Carol and Willie and anybody else who will listen to him say, "Punishment? PUNISHMENT?! But I did the right thing and turned myself in for drink driving and crippling a friend! Isn't acknowledgment of my error without the court's coercion enough payment for my non-intentional crimes? I mean, sure, I intentionally got behind the wheel to operate a motor vehicle while under the influence of alcohol endangering the lives of everybody in the car with me and everybody without. But, you know, 90 days?!" Hopefully Sinestro won't make Hal's same mistake and go to trial without a lawyer.

Sinestro resists galactic arrest but is chased down by the Fists of the Guardians and ultimately humiliated in this panel that isn't a metaphor for anything because sometimes a man lying in piss-colored detritus lamenting the loss of what makes him a Green Lantern is just a man lying in piss-colored detritus lamenting the loss of what makes him a Green Lantern.

Thankfully, I've never bottomed this hard.

I have had low points in my life but they were all brought about by existential dread and the ennui that comes with the realization that, even though it seems unfairly short, humans live way too long. Maybe it would be more exciting if I had at least one story where I was chased by the cops until I found myself trapped and covered in my own piss while realizing that everything that made me the man I was was a lie and, ultimately, now lost to me. I still probably wouldn't go to AA though.

Hal Jordan, meanwhile, does the right thing and tells the Fists of the Guardians that he'll accept the court summons, no need for a warrant or a chase that ends in a humiliating public loss of manhood. Guy just stands by aghast and says, "Who were those creatures in the fabulous outfits?!"

Green Lantern ends the riot and confronts the warden about the terrible conditions of this prison. Were there terrible conditions or was Hal just experiencing normal prison conditions? Sure, some guy got stabbed and the guards walk around with the keys to the cells on them and guns easily taken by the prisoners. But are those, technically, "conditions" of the prison? They just seem like really stupid mistakes! I can't even suggest the food was bad because remember that seen where Willie the Snitch was getting pie for breakfast?! I want to go to prison!

Hal's still in trouble as they investigate where he disappeared for two days so he decides he's going to remain in jail from now on. That's an easy decision to make since the guy who kept forcing him out of his cell at night just got space arrested. But just as Hal finishes the declaration that he'll stay and do his time like a normal person, the Guardians teleport him to Oa for the trial. It's a good thing Guy Gardner saw all the Green Lantern space shenanigans Hal was involved with so he can go to bat for him when they prison officials try to slap more time on Hal for riots and jail breaks and tormenting the Dick Sucker Duo.

Hal discovers he's not on trial even if the Fists claimed he was under arrest. Hal is just a witness.

Jordan attempting to get his testimony thrown out for contempt with this scalding burn of the Guardians themselves.

Sinestro doesn't know that you're not supposed to lead the witness so basically tells Jordan everything he wants him to say. That doesn't go so great since as soon as Jordan is questioned by Tomar, he's all, "I don't know if Sinestro was doing a good job or not, what with me being an inexperienced Green Lantern and all, but the entire planet was revolting against him so, maybe, he was just, I don't know, average?"

Hal Jordan's testimony isn't enough to convict Sinestro of being a huge prude and fascist (redundant?), so Tomar calls Katma-Tui to the stand. Seems to me that the leader of the revolution against Sinestro's rule will probably be quite hostile to the defendant. Do we even need her testimony? I'm sure she'll say, "Sinestro was a dick and we all hated him and that's why we hired the Khund to help overthrow the stupid bastard." Then Sinestro will yell, "Order! Order in the court! Order! I love order! ORDER!"

I was going to type that Sinestro yelled, "Objection!", but then remembered he loves yelling "Order!" so my courtroom drama kind of fell apart and didn't make as much sense as it should have.

Unluckily for readers like me who love to see alien titties, Katma-Tui wasn't in the shower when the Guardians teleported her into court.

The court takes a minor recess while Katma-Tui vomits all over the courtroom and then screams at them for ten minutes for this breech of her freedom and individuality and how they're exactly what's wrong with the entire universe and why monsters like Sinestro exist to torment others. They nod their gigantic heads and disregard everything she says before getting back to the trial.

Why is she going so easy on him? Does she have a crush on him?!

I apologize for that last caption. Sometimes my inner man takes over and I spray sexism all over the walls. What it really sounds like is that Katma is terrified by this entire process. Who are these beings that have such control over the lives of the people of Korugar but have no actual skin in the planet and its evolution? Who would want to find out that they're basically ants in an ant farm being manipulated by some goofy, grinning, massive-headed blue boys and their space cop force? Katma would probably love to say, "I hope he rots in Space Hell and all of you with him!" But what can she do? They just teleported her right out of her home just before she was going to hop in the shower! What can she do against wildly powerful forces like this?

Too bad John Stewart wasn't a Green Lantern yet. This trial could use fifteen panels of somebody quoting philosophers and humanists.

Sinestro's cross-examination of Katma-Tui is surprising.

Fuck. FUCK. Why am I tearing up at this bullshit?!

Sinestro saying he's all out of questions is hilarious because he's only really had one question so far: "Chaos?! CHAOS?! CHAOS!"

Also, I'm kind of in love with Katma-Tui after M.D. Bright's panels on the above page.

Sinestro, looking at Katma-Tui, seeing her as he saw her even when he was deluded by the thought of absolute order, perceiving in her what he knows the Green Lantern Corps could be, and should be, he simply gives up. He fucked up. It would perhaps not be amiss to point out that Sinestro had always tried to be a good Green Lantern. He had tried to do the things his GUARDIANS and his SECTOR, and most of all his PEOPLE, had asked or expected of him. He would have died for them, if that had been required. He had never wanted to enslave anybody. He had been struck by something, possibly destiny, or fate, or only a degenerative mental illness called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Free will was not a factor.

Who needs Artificial Intelligence to plagiarize when you have the last page of Stephen King's Cujo burned into your memory for moments like this!

Anyway, Sinestro is convicted of being a huge douchebag and banished to the anti-matter dimension of Qward where he will never again cause anybody any problems and the universe will be safe from him until the end of its days.

Every right wing Nazi on Twitter has a post that sounds just like this.

With Sinestro banished, his old job is given to Katma-Tui. She argues against it at first but then the Guardians are all, "Do you know anybody else who should manage you and your planet?" She smartly takes up the ring at that point because one thing I learned before owning my own business is that you never pass up on the management job even if you don't want the responsibility because the people who get offered the job after you will make your life a living hellscape.

The trial ends and Hal Jordan is returned to prison, hopefully with an attitude adjustment.

The story skips to the end of Hal's sentence, probably because he stopped complaining and so there was no story to follow. Guy sees him out of prison while letting Hal know that he's going to become a physical education teacher and hopefully stop going into crazy rages. Eventually Guy becomes a Red Lantern so we know that's never going to happen. But Hal walks out of prison with a letter handed to him from Guy that reads, "Your secret is safe with me!" It's signed Willie the Snitch so, you know, is it? Carol picks Hal up and hugs him and doesn't offer to have his baby yet. The end!

Emerald Dawn II #6 Rating: A. The story ends how I was hoping it would end although it doesn't make a big deal out of it. Upon seeing the way Sinestro reacted to his punishment after Sinestro felt he was throwing himself at the mercy of the court and getting screwed anyway, Hal goes back to prison, does his time, and stops whining about it. The only thing I wish had been different was Sinestro's declaration that he's going to become pure chaos. I get that he has to act up because it mirrors Hal's reaction at the beginning. But he should just be upset about the banishment. I guess we're supposed to believe that Sinestro's version of order has always been pure chaos and now he's only realizing that and embracing it. But I sincerely think he didn't know how to institute order like a regular person due to his obvious Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I would have rather seen him upset about the banishment but understanding that it was to keep order. And then only because he was in the Anti-Matter Universe would his order turn topsy-turvy and become an obsession with chaos. But, you know, even then, every time Sinestro returns, he often thinks he's the hero of the story. Maybe he needed a brief mental break to explain his years of just being a plain old anti-Green-Lantern villain. Anyway, I'm glad I'm through with Green Lantern comics for now and happy it ended on a pretty high note. That scene where Sinestro has to go face-to-face with Katma and can't argue against her because of everything he saw and sees in her? Pretty fucking good scene, that.

Emerald Dawn II #5 (August 1991)

Just pretend I Photoshopped this cover to say, "ORGY!"

I almost did Photoshop the cover. I have my plan of attack; I know where to start and what to manipulate and change. What I don't have is my youthful passion for spending an hour or two meticulously changing somebody else's art to make a dumb, vulgar joke. Let somebody else with more life left in the tank do that shit! Besides, who Photoshops anymore? Don't people just touch their phone screen and apps cut and paste all the shit in the blink of an eye?! It's fucking bullshit, man! In my day, I had to carefully drag my cursor around the edges of the picture I wanted to crop. I'd never get it exactly right so then I'd have to go in and cut and paste individual pixels from the piece I was cropping. Then once I cut something from a scene, I'd have to go back and fill in the spot where the cropped item used to be, either by cloning colors and lines to extend them through the space or outright drawing the missing shit by hand. How the fuck I ever did so many pages of my online collage comic, Dwarflover, I'll never fucking know. Who was that young kid with a thirst for stealing art from various sources just to make a joke about Brainy Smurf jerking off in the dungeon of the Archlich Acererak?! Man, I loved that kid!

Last issue, Sinestro realized he'd screwed the pooch so many times and in so many different ways that the Guardians were never going to see him as an admirable role model for the rest of the Corps ever again. It's like in high school when one of my friends used to bring his friend around my Aunt's house and my Aunt was always, "Why can't you guys be more like Dave?! He's so sweet and friendly and polite!" And then several years later, he was arrested for jizzing in his shorts while wrestling with the kids he coached in some soccer league. And then I, being an smart ass edgelord, would constantly remind my Aunt by saying, "So, you think we should be more like Dave, hunh?"

I have changed the friend's friend's name because why should I use his real name? Or did I change his name because who the fuck would even know? Unless Dave read this and was all, "Hey! I used to jizz in my soccer shorts while wrestling with the kids I was coaching! Is Tess talking about me?!"

For some reason, Hal doesn't realize he's been away from Earth for two days once he and Sinestro have a moment to discuss where they're going to hide out from the Guardians.

Sinestro explains how Hal didn't notice two days passing but Sinestro notes that Hal's been sleeping so how the hell did Hal not realize two days have passed?!

It's a stupid question to wonder how Hal didn't notice two days have passed when the answer is obvious: Sinestro used his Green Lantern ring to Space Ruffie Hal Jordan. Sinestro needed time to come up with a plan and didn't want to have to listen to Hal Jordan moan about getting back to Earth. He probably only let Hal wake up for a bit to make sure he didn't pump too many space drugs into Hal, killing him. But while Hal is awake, he mentions the prison and Sinestro realizes that it's a perfect place to hide out. For a being obsessed with order, Sinestro sure knows how to descend quickly into chaos when he doesn't want to get into trouble with his superiors. He's such an iconic example of a Republican: "Law and order are tools I use to control you so you don't interfere with my freedom. Oppression is the tool you use on me without even realizing it because you're just trying to live your own, individual, free lifestyle but I assure you I feel oppressed when I see two men hold hands and an atheist joyously living in a random and chaotic universe without the need for a spiritual safety net."

Bah! That was terrible writing! A conservative would never be that eloquent or understand themselves to that degree!

Back at the prison, the Dick Sucker Duo are staging a prison break. Or at least simulating one so that they can get Hal Jordan's magic ring in the chaos.

These idiots sound like dads trying out their kid's generation's slang.

I don't know how state prisons work and I super duper don't know how state prisons worked in 1991 but according to the research Gerard Jones did (which probably helped him out later in life), prison guards walk around with guns on their hips and the keys to every cell. So all it takes is for one prisoner to grab one guard by the throat and the whole fucking system collapses. Now instead of the screws watching the homies, the homies are watching the screws!

The Dick Sucker Duo discover that Hal Jordan isn't in his cell so they rush off to the infirmary where Willie the Snitch is still recovering. Currently, he's hanging out with Guy Gardner because Guy's trying to find out what happened to Hal. He's been missing for two days and everybody is just now thinking maybe he escaped. Do people go missing in prison for a day or two so often that the guards just shrug and hope they'll show up again?

The lead Dick Sucker determines that Willie the Snitch doesn't know where Hal is because if he did, he'd snitch. That's why he's got that nickname, right? Plan B is to kidnap Guy Gardner. It feels like there should be more than that but, well, that's the plan! Take Guy hostage so that Hal's magic ring turns up. Feels like a really shit plan.

Although what do I know? Look! Hal's back with the ring. No, no. With two rings!

The Dick Sucker Duo know Guy is Hal's case worker so they figure Hal will have to negotiate with them for Guy's life. Hal doesn't really know Guy that well so there's a possibility he'll trade his ring for Guy's life. Or it's possible Sinestro will just pop all the convicts' heads with vice constructs and be done with the entire matter. Is that order or chaos? I guess if it means Sinestro's life becomes more peaceful, it's order.

The men who have taken Guy hostage release all of the prisoners on the ward to cover their search for the ring. As a riot ensues, Sinestro takes the form of Willie the Snitch so that nobody freaks out over a purple alien running about the place murdering people with green light.

Hal does make the trade because he knows the bank robber won't be able to match rings with Sinestro. It gives them time to get the gun away from him and free Guy. Then Sinestro drops the Willie the Snitch disguise, steals the ring back, and tosses it to Hal. During the battle, Guy Gardner loses his fucking mind and decides to kill the guy who took him hostage.

Guy's whole arc has been a man full of rage who has learned to channel it in other ways. But it looks like the channeling is over.

Sinestro begins wiping people's minds because too many people knowing too much information leads to chaos. But Hal won't let him wipe Guy's mind for some reason. I don't know the reason. Maybe Hal just has a strong aversion to wiping out human memories. Sinistro insists but he never gets a chance to perform the mind wipe because the Fists of the Guardians arrive to fist Sinestro and Hal.

Guy Gardner must be thinking, "Cool threads!"

Emerald Dawn II #5 Ranking: C. I'll admit this ranking might be way off. I've had enough Green Lantern after doing about an issue a day this month and the fatigue is beginning to show. I'm barely paying attention to what I'm reading. I don't give a shit about the characters. I just wish Sinestro would fucking die. I wish Hal would suck it up and just serve out his 90 days. I wish Guy Gardner would stop caring about social work. And I wish the Dick Sucker Duo would do way more dick sucking. After the first issue, I thought they were going to be getting their spit on everybody's junk. The best part of this issue was the bit that wasn't even played up: Guy Gardner's inspiration for his outfit when he becomes a Green Lantern. I did enjoy that his style has an origin story. One thing I don't know: were the Fists of the Guardian only created for this story? Or do they have a history? It just seems like whenever the Guardians need some Internal Affairs work done, they just dig up another outdated police experiment to police their new police experiment. How many different armies did these little blue jerks create?