Giant-size X-Statix #1 (September 2019)

Why do Marvel covers have a distinct tactile sensation compared to most other comics?

If only I could remember anything from the past at all, I bet I'd remember a whole bunch of stuff from Peter Milligan's X-Force/X-Statix run. Sure, I remember little things here and there. Like the big head in the background on the cover is obviously Zeitgeist even if Zeitgeist was blasted in two by a helicopter's machine gun fire when the group were trying to rescue a boy band. Oh look! I remembered more than I ever would have guessed I could remember! I don't know if the woman saying, "Guess who!", is U-Go Girl or U-Go Girl's daughter because I think U-Go Girl also died somehow. The rest of the characters I vaguely remember, like Mister Sensitive and Dead Girl and Doop and the gay werewolf and the gay flabby guy. Unless that flabby guy is the flabby daughter of the flabby guy? He or she is looking a little bit androgynous. I don't recognize the guy who looks like he's starring as the Cowardly Lion in a local production of The Wiz but maybe he's Tike Alicar's kid? Did I spell The Anarchist's name correctly? Maybe I should have just called him The Anarchist to begin with? No, no! I'm trying to prove I can remember stuff!

Luckily, Marvel comics loves to waste the entire first page of their comic books on recaps and credits. I say "waste" because I want to appear intelligent by forming the declaration as a critique but really I'm weeping in joy because I can't remember so many things that I secretly think my brain has a drinking problem. I bet it wakes me up at night to get fucking wasted and then, being the brain of a genius and all, it drinks just enough and in just the right way so that it kills off all the memory brain cells that would have remembered that I was up all night drinking. Then it also kills off loads of brain cells where I stash all of my comic book memories which wouldn't be such a big deal except that I have this fifteen year old comic book blog which gives the illusion that I know something about comic books.

Let's all catch up together!

Was that enough information? If that was really enough information, why did I spend 80 or more dollars on all of those issues? How could around 600 pages of story be condensed down to two fucking paragraphs?! You know what? Never mind any of that! I have a more pressing issue regarding the M&M advert on the inside cover!

Am I supposed to believe the Brown M&M just had her ass eaten by the red and blue M&Ms?! Because I do believe it.

I don't think the yellow and orange M&M ate her ass; I think they ate each other's asses, based on the color mix around their mouths. Also the way they're looking at each other as if maybe they're sorry they just got caught up in whatever the fuck just happened here. You might be wondering, "But what about the green M&M that Sean Hannity wants to fuck? What's she up to?" I saved her for her own scan because she doesn't just do rim jobs; she does full blown bore jobs.

The spoon might be a bit much. But maybe the spoon's what really attracted Hannity to the green one.

Can you believe I really have nothing at all better to do with my life than this?

The story that doesn't involve M&Ms sucking turds out of each other's buttholes (they have buttholes? Sure. Why not?) begins with U-Go-Girl's sister sitting on the couch watching a Netflix documentary on X-Statix. Her name is Katie Jones because she had to change it from Edie Sawyer to avoid the paparazzi. She's a high school girl living a normal life. But that only makes for good Indie comics, so of course one night she wakes up in the cemetery at the foot of her mom's grave because she teleported in her sleep. Waiting for her, for some reason, are Dead Girl and Doop of X-Statix. Dead Girl's there to facilitate because there's a certain famous corpse that wants to give Katie a message. Doop's there to, um, film it?

Shocker! Unless we already knew this? I think we already knew this. Didn't I mention it already?

Back to the M&M story: how many M&Ms can you fit up your butthole? Peanut, of course! Leave your answer in the comments. Not that I care but I think that's how I'm supposed to engage with the audience. I'm supposed to pretend to care what readers think.

Why is Doop mimicking the movements of all the other characters? Is he puppeteering this whole thing? Is this just Doop's fantasy as he slowly digests in the Hulk's stomach after Hulk mistook him for a massive pickle?

Once Katie discovers she's the daughter of a mutant, her mutant gene kicks in extra hard core. Is that how the mutant gene works? Is it like Oprah's Secret? Thinking about it causes it to manifest? Whether that's true or not, the next day, Katie can't stop teleporting when she gets distracted and then her skin turns blue. No way she's going to avoid the paparazzi now. And all the mutie haters. Was Marvel still full of people who hated mutants just because they were mutants in 2019? Or were most people fine with them until all the dumb bastards listening to right wing podcasts and radio had their brains turned to mush just like in our world and now they hate anybody who isn't a non-mutant straight white male? Like our stupid world full of stupid idiots?

Man, I can't wait for Trump's heart to explode during one of his stupid Sean Hannity interviews. Maybe he'll sense it coming and choke Sean to death just before he dies because obviously he isn't going to want Sean to outlive him. What an amazing day that would be!

Anyway, I finished reading this comic book days ago but didn't have anything to say about it. It's a shame, really, because I love Peter Milligan and I've looked at art by Michael and Laura Allred! It's just that there's no real meat on the bones of this issue. It's like one of those skywalks that's made out of glass and connects two buildings. It allows for a nice view to look at as you go from Point A to Point B but you're not actually concerned with the skywalk itself. If it wasn't there, you'd just cross the street at ground level and nothing would have been different except maybe you'd be a little bit colder and slightly more inconvenienced. To explain that metaphor or simile or allegory as if I were Jesus Christ having to retell every single one of my stories to my stupid as fuck disciples, Milligan's original X-Force and X-Statix issues are Point A and The X-Cellent (which came out in 2023) was Point B. This issue is the sky bridge that just says, "X-Statix are back! This is the new roster! Plus they've got an evil rival team lead by their old leader, Zeitgeist! Read about those adventures in a few years!"

Giant Size X-Statix #1 Rating: ?! I hope you didn't expect me to rate this after what I just wrote! There's not really a story here. It's not even a coming of age story about a girl who realizes her destiny after finding out who her real mother was because Katie really only decides to become the new U-Go-Girl after seeing how many YouTube famous she became from her accidental team-up with X-Statix. Basically she's become the kind of person New 52 Green Arrow would have arrested when J.T. Krul was writing that series. "What?!" Oliver Queen would have said, spitting in disgust. "A person has become famous due to the Internet and she's enjoying it?! Not on my fucking watch!" Then he'd stalk her and shoot a few arrows into her and she'd be all, "What the fuck?!" And Ollie would be all, "Justice has been served this day!" Then Ann Nocenti would come along and turn him into King Lear in the saddest attempt at writing something intellectual that I've ever fucking witnessed (even more so than when Benjamin Percy took over Green Arrow and did his "AIDS equals WEREWOLFS!" story arc (no relation to the gay werewolf in this comic book)).

Anyway, I need to read some actual literature now! I'm going to read through Steinbeck's entire library in chronological order. I've already read most of his stuff but it's so good that I'm willing to re-read it all again. Cup of Gold, which I have not read before, has already made me feel seriously inadequate just twenty pages in. He wrote this at 27?! I mean, it's mostly the same thematic stuff that I covered in my book of poems, Chicken By the Gate, but I was in my 40s when I wrote that! I blame my lack of ambition for taking so long to write about things Steinbeck was writing about in his 20s. And I blame my lack of ambition on my father's absence while growing up. If I had respected him, I would have wanted to make him proud of me. But since I didn't give a fuck about his drunk ass, I didn't have anything to prove! Thanks a lot, "Dad"!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 (Early February 1993)

This is like trying to watch scrambled porn on '80s cable.

This cover technology is so shit. But what's weird is that I just glanced at Issues #5 and #6 and their pictures read perfectly. Did they improve the concept five months into this little experiment? Or did I just never read Issues #5 and #6 so the cover hasn't shifted at all? It's basically impossible to keep the insert properly aligned so that you can see either picture perfectly without ghosts of the other picture coming through. Perhaps they figured out how to keep the insert aligned by Issue #5? We'll see when I finally unbag it! Anyway, here's the shitty alternate cover:

Weird. This one lined up pretty good totally on accident!

The alternate picture on the alternate cover shows King Snake and Lynx running along confidently before KGBeast sneaks up behind them and clocks King Snake in the head with a Russian tire iron (a potato stuck in a bit of concrete). I guess they were full of bluster and bravado when they mocked KGBeast when he wasn't in the room because they look terrified here (and slightly concussed).

The issue begins with Tim getting caught playing hooky from school by Alfred Pennyworth. "Getting caught" makes it seem like Alfred cares; it's more like Alfred, while putting away some Bat Towels, stumbles upon Tim who was too stupid to hide somewhere other than the Batcave. Alfred tries to help him out by offering to put make-up over the bruises on his face and Tim rips him a new asshole. It makes Alfred very sad.

"Dick used to love my help!"

Poor Alfred probably thought his days of getting shit on by Robin were over thanks to The Joker. But apparently Tim can be as angsty as Jason Todd when everything is going wrong in his life and the girl he though he was going to lose his virginity to has apparently been killed by Russian gang members and his school counselor's accusing Bruce Wayne of diddling him while she also dreams of fucking his dad. And he's been going out at night getting his ass kicked while sporting a huge boner because have you seen how much of The Huntress's ass hangs out of her costume? It was right on the cover! And getting your ass beat while you're sexually aroused will definitely cause psychological problems later in life that he's certainly not going to deal with being that his role model is the most anti-therapy asshat on the planet, Batman.

Alfred doesn't put up enough of a fight for the mood Tim's in so he goes home to try to guilt his wheelchair-bound father.

Normally I'd be on every other side that's against any father at all. But right now, Tim's just being a whiny shit.

If The Huntress really wanted to be a hero, she'd wank Tim off and get him to chill out. But even if she knew how Tim's life was falling apart from all the stress and anxiety he's under (which can be partially cured by an orgasm which is why I suggested the hand manipulation), how is Tim her responsibility? She hardly knows the kid. Bruce Wayne should wank Tim off! Not in a weird, sexual pervy molestation way! In a therapeutic way! For science!

Tim finishes his conversation with his dad in the tried and true teenage way where they scream "You don't me! You don't know anything about me at all!" and run out of the room crying. Tim's dad puts his head in his hands because either he feels like a failure or he's praying to God that his son dies. Probably a fifty-fifty chance he's thinking one of those two thoughts.

Tim's not sure whose life to ruin next so he breaks into The Huntress's apartment hoping that she's in the shower. But she's not home yet so he sits in the dark to wait for her while thinking how hot it would have been if she'd been in the shower.

Also she's on her way home to take a shower.

Chuck Dixon really fucked up the order of things in this story. If David Finch had been writing it, The Huntress would have gotten home and hopped in the shower before Robin arrived so that he could draw her coming out of the bathroom in the smallest towel she owns. It's really about the only good writing decision David Finch ever made with which I agreed. He was smart enough to script at least one woman in a towel scene every issue and while I wasn't a huge fan of his art and very much not a huge fan of his writing, I'd always stand up and applaud when some woman showed up in a towel. Really smart work! Super creative!

Helena isn't too surprised that Robin figured out her identity since he practically brags that he got the Robin gig by figuring out Batman's. But all Helena cares about is Batman and what he's like and does he have a girlfriend and is his ass really that tight or is that just the outfit? Tim ignores her questions while convincing Helena to show him where she found the counterfeit papers being used by the Russians who "killed" Ariana. Tim feels he needs to avenge her death since it seems like the only part of his life he can control at the moment. Also he probably just wants to hang out with a hot woman. I know I'd pretend to care about justice if I could swing around the city with a half-naked woman. And also I were wearing a red Speedo and green tights. I bet that would make my junk look huge! Or would it just make my junk look normal-sized but squashed all funny? I once wore tights in high school when I went to a Halloween party as a Playboy bunny and it was not flattering. Which is why I also wore a tight black knit skirt over my crotch. Nobody wanted to see my smashed junk all night. Except it was a high school party. I bet most of the girls there actually did want to see my squashed junk! Man, I was so stupid!

While Tim and Helena search the room where Huntress found the papers, they're surprised by the Russians who had the room wired for some reason.

The Huntress stole that soda from the mini-bar because she isn't beholden by man's laws! She fights for pure justice!

Tim subdues the Russians but before The Huntress can torture any information out of them, KGBeast crashes through the wall like a barely literate Kool-Aid Man.

"Oh to be yeahing!"

A scuffle ensues which ends in Bane hanging out the window twenty stories above the street while Robin and The Huntress try out Kama Sutra pose #53.

This position's called "So Much of The Farmer's Dick Deep-ends in a Red Wheelbarrow"

The next day at school, Tim avoids his counselor as best he can. I guess he can't skip school twice although he'd like to because now he'll have to explain the bruises on his face and his scratchy voice from being choked out by KGBeast. You know Ms. Hollingsworth will be all, "Why's your voice so gravelly, Tim? Does Bruce Wayne have a thick hog? It's really thick, right? Just massive? I can't help you unless you answer my questions about Bruce Wayne's dick, Tim." So instead of going through that, Tim flees her office through the window and runs home to do some research on the Russians. That's when his dad tells him that he's transferred Tim to an All Boys Private School in Metropolis. Oh no! What'll Tim do?! Superman doesn't need a sidekick! Also Superman has just died so, seriously, forget it, man.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 Rating: B. King Snake and Lynx weren't even in this issue. Shows how fucking dangerous King Snake really is! What a pathetic jerk. Although KGBeast was in this and he didn't seem too dangerous either. He was beaten by a little boy and an exceedingly attractive woman. That wasn't meant to be patronizing! Those were just cold hard facts and also KGBeast called them exactly that before getting his ass kicked by them. So I don't think either character deserves to be thought of as the most dangerous assassin in the DC Universe. Besides, if Deathstork heard either of them claiming that, he'd have to stop fucking his underage lover and go murder them.

DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery (January 1983)

Aside from Superman and Cain, this cover looks like something I once drew in 1st Grade that wound up in a local art exhibit at the Triton Museum.

I've discussed this fabled art gallery work of mine before but I don't think I've ever posted a picture of it. That's because it's huge and I can't scan it. I would take a photo of it and then post it but after sitting on top of my bookcase for years, I finally packed it away somewhere and I don't remember where. So you'll just have to take my word for it that it was as awesome as this cover.

The inker on this issue is Tony DeZuniga, co-creator of Jonah Hex. He's got a lot more to his bio that's possibly more important to other people but the only thing I care about is his help in creating the best character in the DC Universe after Etrigan and Lobo. Don't assume those will be my top three character picks any other time than the immediate present as I write this because I'm sure tomorrow I'll remember Ambush Bug and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5. But right at this moment, I can only remember Lobo, Etrigan, and Jonah Hex.

The story begins on Halloween night and, I'm assuming, ends in the arrest of Cain and his name added to a registry.

"*CH* This is dispatch. There's a man in a brown suit hiding in a tree at 54 Elm Street watching lone children as they trick or treat. Can we get ten squad cars out there? Over and out. *CH*"

I don't think I'd be as creeped out if Cain were just standing behind the tree. But the way he's forced himself into the crook of the branches to kneel in the tree so close to the ground that his head would be higher if he were merely standing by it makes me positive that he's up to no good. And by "up to no good", I mean "pedophilia". But then again, he's got the Mark of Cain so nobody can harm him. After living for thousands of years with no serious repercussions to any of your actions, you probably become a wicked, sordid little tree pervert. Thanks a lot, God! "What's a good punishment for the first murderer to deter others from murdering?" You asked Yourself. "Maybe cursing the murderer with the inability to be harmed by anybody while he wanders the world forever!" You answered Yourself. How do people justify believing in You?!

The kid without any friends whose parents don't give a shit about rings the doorbell of some old lady who thinks she's funny.

The emergency was Little Ricky just realized he could buy beer.

Dan Mishkin doesn't waste anybody's time trying to make the reader wonder what the fuck is going on. On the same page where Little Ricky's pubes grow out, the shadow of Mr. Mxyzptlk can be seen hovering over the yard. I wonder how the House of Mystery will help Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards?

At the same time, Lois Lane throws a "Come As Somebody Famous" costume party. Over half the guests, including Clark, decided "famous" meant "super hero." There's a Wonder Girl and a Supergirl and a Flash and a Wonder Woman and Clark came as Green Lantern. Jimmy Olsen has come as Thor but I don't think that counts in this situation. Steve Lombard, the sportscaster and Lois Lane pussy chaser, came as Hercules so he could bully everybody else at the party. Nobody came as the wife and children he murdered. Not Steve! Hercules!

Before Steve Lombard can completely humiliate Clark in front of Lois, Superman crashes through the window!

I opted for buying beer as Ricky's sudden emergency over banging Lois because that seemed weird. Dan Mishkin felt differently.

For once, Lois insists on Superman telling her why he needs to save her life instead of implicitly trusting him. Clark tries to figure out who this imposter is by using his x-ray vision. Writers really loved his x-ray vision in the '80s, didn't they? Probably in the '60s and '70s too! Before Superman can take Lois against her will, Mxyzptlk turns Jimmy Olsen into the actual Thor.

And so Jimmy lost all of his family money when Marvel sued the shit out of him.

Jimmy's change into Thor causes lunkhead Steve Lombard to suspect that the Superman who just flew Lois out the window isn't really Superman but a magical duplicate. He may be right but he's only right because only an idiot would make a leap in logic that terrible. Clark uses his heat vision to make his fake Green Lantern ring glow so that it looks like he's been turned into the actual Green Lantern as well. You'd think it would melt but then you're probably young and don't remember a time when toys were actually made out of diecast metal instead of cheap plastic. Steve suggests Clark use the ring to go after the obviously fake Superman and Clark's all, "Okay! I'll try! But I'll probably fuck it up because I'm such a timid, stupid klutz!" Then he flies out the window after Ricky and Lois.

How did Ricky even know where Lois Lane lived? How did he know, as Superman, he should go grab her? Does Lois get into so much trouble in Metropolis and need saving by Superman so often that even little Ricky knows they're probably fucking? I'm sure Myxzptlk put all of that information into Ricky's head just to cause chaos for Superman.

Ricky flies Lois to the House of Mystery where Cain sits around telling stories to all the children he captured while hiding in trees on various Halloweens. Mr. Mxyzptlk shows up as well to tell everybody that he's planning a big Halloween trick on Superman and he needs all of their help. All the kids eagerly go along because Superman is a total square. Cain and Lois have no ability to stop the imp before he turns all of the kids into realistic versions of their Halloween costumes: ghosts, vampires, werewolves, witches, and, being the '80s, probably a few tramps, gypsies, and cheerleaders.

Superman uses his super-smelling power to trace Lois to the House of Mystery.

Lois thought Ricky was the actual Superman which is why she flooded her undergarments with her distinctive love lube.

The House speaks to Superman as he arrives, telling him that Lois is indeed inside and that if he doesn't find her in one hour, she'll be trapped in the House forever! Superman, having never heard of the House of Mystery, figures finding her will be a piece of cake. One hour to search every room in one house? He could do that in 30 seconds! But he begins to suspect it might not be so easy when his x-ray vision doesn't work and when a tentacled monster tries to eat him in the first room he searches. I would have said it tries to fuck him but I'm trying to write a little classier after I had to type "Lois's love lube."

While searching the house, Superman kills a kid by carelessly using his super powers.

To hide his crime, Supes carries the kid into the previous room and feeds it to the tentacle monster.

Superman goes through a few more trials before he utterly fails to find Lois. That's when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals himself and Superman is all, "Oh man! You sure got me good! What a great prank, Mxy!" And Cain is all, "But dude! He just killed your girlfriend!" And Supes is all, "No he didn't. He doesn't kill. He just loves to be a gigantic pain in my ass." Which is when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals to everybody how to send him back to the 5th Dimension by pointing out that Superman won't get him to say his name backwards so he's stuck with him forever this time. But Little Ricky comes up with a plan! Superman helped him get laid for the first time this Halloween night so he wants to repay him. Cain's been getting Mxy's name wrong all night and every time, Mxy says, "My name isn't X, it's Mxyzptlk!" So Billy is all, "Hey, Cain! Call him by his name backwards and he'll wind up saying it!" And Cain somehow knows how to say "Mxyzptlk" backwards off the cuff which is more impressive than anything Superman did this entire comic!

Lois is only just realizing she fucked a little kid.

DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery Rating: B. A decent Mxyzptlk comic with a nice, though short, visit to the House of Mystery. I don't know why so many kids in Halloween costumes have become trapped in the House of Mystery unless Cain really is hiding up trees and ambushing lone trick or treaters just to have people to tell stories to. I didn't mention the Atari Force insert because "ATARI" in the comic book means "Atari Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology and Research Institute Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means you get the point. Plus the comics were packaged with Atari 2600 game cartridges. I don't think I ever owned any because most of my Atari cartridges were just the chips which I had to stick into a green chip holder which you plugged into the machine because my mother liberated them from her job at Signetics. I don't think she stole them; I think they just sometimes got stuck to her clothing and she accidentally brought them home.

By the way, if anybody bought a sandalwood box full of 2600 chips at a garage sale in Santa Clara, I want my fucking Atari games back. My mom had no right to sell them to you!

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #3 (Late January 1993)

I'm not sure what's supposed to happen when you pull this cover tab slowly but when I do it, The Huntress winds up with three tits. So pretty clever!

And here's the secret cover:

I didn't pull tab this one so I'm just assuming Lynx winds up with three tits too. Maybe four!

Even though this comic book cover looks as generic as possible, has the worst working gimmick I've ever seen, and says "ROBIN" right across the top, 21 year old me still purchased it. And it's not like I had $2.50 just lying around waiting to be wasted on bullshit like this! That would have been almost two full games of Cyberball! I probably purchased it because Huntress has three tits on the cover. I'm sure 21 year old me was all, "Oh! I wonder what this is about! This looks interesting!" And then I walked to the register while hiding my boner with this comic book. Then I probably bought some Magic the Gathering cards to distract from my obviously pornographic purchase only to later jerk off at home to the Earthbind card.

This issue begins with Tim's school counselor angrily demanding he answer her query about Bruce Wayne diddling him. Or, at least, beating on him. She has a really fat belt. That was a style choice at the time, was it? It's not quite "I won the World Wrestling Federation championship" big. But it's close.

There's only one bully in this school and her name is Ms. Hollingsworth. Lay off, lady!

To get Ms. Hollingsworth off his back, Tim is going to have to stop getting punched in the face. It might be hard because he's got such a stupid haircut. But with a little training from Batman, he might be able to accomplish it. Or Tim could try to distract her with his father's cock. She seemed really interested in his father's cock in the first issue. She was all, "I hear your father's cock is out of a coma. I'd like to try to put it back into one, if you know what I mean." Then Tim punched himself in the face to try to forget the image that entered his head. It worked but he also forgot that he punched himself in the face so now Batman is going to be arrested for child abuse and suspected pedophilia.

Now Tim has to figure out which senior to pin the bruises on. That's like a whole other subplot in a book that's already full of too many subplots. We've got the Russian girl and her father. We've got Tim wanting to fuck the Russian girl even though she just lost her father and was kidnapped by some other Russians. We've got a counterfeiting ring. There's The Huntress feeling sad that Batman doesn't talk about her. There's Tim's invalid father jealous of Batman. There's Batman trying to control Tim. There's Tim's school counselor being far too interested in Tim's life, especially the father's cock part of his life. There's the China Town gang that suddenly wants to kill Tim. There's KGBeast doing crimes. And now Tim has to frame a senior so Bruce Wayne doesn't get taken down for child endangerment!

Tim doesn't know who to talk to so he just blathers to Harold Allnut, Bruce's mute, autistic, live-in Bat-engineer.

This depiction of Harold feels offensive.

I don't remember: did Harold ever return in The New 52? He probably should have had his own series written by Ann Nocenti. God, sometimes I hunger so badly for another one of her train-wreck series!

Tim's father gets all up in his shit when he gets home because Ms. Hollingsworth called about Tim's troubles. Plus Tim got home late after hanging out in the Batcave so his father gets super jealous of Bruce Wayne again. Tim just yells at his dad like a proper teenager and goes upstairs without any explanation. But he's beginning to crack! He can't hide his Robin secret from his father much longer!

Meanwhile, the leader of the Ghost Dragons proves himself to be one of the most delusional characters in the DC Universe.

Your name is Edmund. Nobody will ever think you're the most dangerous. Alfred is scarier.

If the most knowledgeable and the least knowledgeable fans of the DC Universe can both name about two dozen more dangerous characters than you, you were never even in the running. Hell, the most knowledgeable fan probably wouldn't even remember this guy exists unless they were reminded. "Are you forgetting somebody? Big snake tattoo on his chest. No, not Kobra! His name is Edmund. He's Lynx's boss! Oh, come on! Leader of the Ghost Dragons!" Apparently I believe the most knowledgeable comic book fan is actually pretty stupid.

Robin and Huntress meet up again later that night to do some investigating. Luckily for Robin who was stuck dealing with personal problems all day, The Huntress spent some time in the library. She's got the whole thing figured out already!

The only thing she got wrong is that the leader's name is The Commie Tsar!

The Huntress has information but no leads. Until an old Russian man wanders up and tells her and her new sidekick everything they need to know. Names. Locations. Activities. I guess that's why Robin dresses in such bright colors. So that he stands out as a vigilante which allows people with information to approach him. This old guy's the only one not fearful of the Russian gang because he's so old he doesn't fear retaliation. He probably hopes for it! But he so hates the bad name these guys give Russians, he doesn't care if they kill him. He just loves Russia so much he's willing to die for it. This old guy loves Russia and his new home and his neighborhood friends. But most of all, he loves San Dimas.

Robin and The Huntress take this old fart's information and attack a bunch of people hanging out in front of the location the man gave them. That seems like solid police work in that police will beat up anybody they suspect of being a criminal no matter how little evidence there is of a crime. A policeman's number one weapon for battling crime is their gut instinct! Just like every other ignoramus in the world, they seem to think gut instincts should be listened to because there's something wise and supernatural about it as opposed to realizing gut instincts are just a dog whistle for systemic racism and cultural bias and prejudicial beliefs which obfuscate actual reality.

But being a comic book, and Huntress and Robin being heroes, I guess I have to assume that they were correct and the guys they just beat the shit out of really were Russian gang members and not a bunch of guys parking their cars to walk to the deli a few stores down the street.

They're about to beat the shit out of Groucho Marx and his security detail!

While Robin chokes out Groucho Marx, he thinks, "I don't recognize any of these guys. But from the way they dress, I know they're new in town." Well then! Case solved! They're obviously Russian gangsters! Maybe this is why Batman doesn't want you running around on the streets by yourself, you stupid piece of shit! Sorry! Sorry! Even though I just mentioned it, I already forgot I was reading a comic book again and not viewing a four-color window on real life! Obviously Tim, being like the smartest character in the DC Universe (until the focus is on somebody else and then they're the smartest character in the DC Universe), knows what he's doing and I should just trust his gut instincts! Plus The Huntress is super hot so who cares if they just killed Groucho Marx, right?

In 1993, I probably would have said this plan sounds gay. But being much more comfortable about the frayed, graying edges of my sexuality in my fifties, this plan sounds fucking hot.

I should also point out that The Huntress saying she's coming right down my throat obviously isn't gay at all but possibly the hottest thing she could say. But when Tim picks up her rallying cry and starts talking about coming right down people's throats, even Batman is going to start questioning his sidekicks enthusiasm for that battle cry. Did Chuck Dixon know Tim was bisexual here? Probably, although in a negative way because it was 1993. He was probably writing Tim and thinking, "Tim is so fucking queer! In the 1993 meaning of queer which, in most regions of the United States, still carried with it negative connotations arising from people's fear of the other and things outside their boring status quo worlds! Although Tim should have been embracing his sexuality and it shouldn't be his bisexuality which caused people to think less of him! It should have been his stupid hair and his smarmy personality. Unless those are common attributes of bisexuals and then maybe I shouldn't have even written this pretend dialogue by me, Chuck Dixon!"

The Huntress and Robin bust up the gambling den which, luckily, actually is a gambling den since they only had one loony old man's word for it.

The male population of Little Odessa is, apparently, 14.

The Huntress looks like she's moshing in the above panel. She's so adorable! Tim is not adorable but that's probably because I can't stand him. Maybe some people think he's adorable because some people like Tim Drake. Weirdos.

One of the Russians whacks Tim in the face with a pool cue and now Tim can't concentrate on the fight because he knows Ms. Hollingsworth is going to get all up in his shit about Bruce Wayne beating him for resisting the anal finger fucking. You know that's why she thinks Bruce is beating him! Let's not kid ourselves! All Ms. Hollingsworth can think about is anal finger fucking. She's a Ms.! She's for sure horny as hell. I bet by the end of the series, she's fucking Tim's dad.

The Huntress begins to annoy me as well during this fight and I find that too bad because I don't like to be horny and then to begin seeing evidence that my horn has been misplaced. I need more than just a half-naked hot body with luscious hair and a domino mask! I need somebody who doesn't make stupid statements while beating the shit out of people as well!

You kicked down the door to their gambling establishment and began busting heads! What the fuck do you expect?!

As you can see from the above panel, The Huntress really has perfected her police work. She's a cop in her civilian persona, isn't she?

Tim chases down a guy he recognizes as having helped kidnap Ariana. He smashes the guy's head into a file cabinet and then questions him about the Russian girl. The guy tells Tim that she's dead which Tim finds surprising for some reason. It's not like they watched them kill her father and then left her in the murderer's hands for 24 hours before trying to save her! Tim rushes off to go cry into his pillow at home while The Huntress just, I don't know, wanders off for the night having gotten her thrills beating up on a dozen men? I'm not assuming that's what happened. My supporting evidence is at least half a dozen comic book panels with The Huntress saying things like, "I'm really enjoying this!"

After the heroes leave the chaotic scene, Lynx shows up to get some information from the nearly dead Russians. Or she's just there to tell them that King Snake is more dangerous than KGBeast and that he should never forget that. That'll solve King Snake's most pressing problem of not being thought of as the most dangerous criminal in the DC Universe!

Tim wakes up the next morning for school only to realize he's got another huge bruise on his face that Ms. Hollingsworth won't be able to ignore. At some point, she's going to have to get the police involved. He's obviously being abused and/or sidekicking for a vigilante. Either one of those needs to be investigated.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #3 Rating: B-. This comic book contains a little too much real world police work for me. What I mean by "real world police work" is "doing extreme violence to people you suspect are criminals." I'm not a fan of it. But I am a fan of The Huntress getting her rocks off while dressed scantily and beating up hard men. Is that why people think of comic books and their readers as juvenile and immature?! Probably! It's a good thing I'm just pretending to be a comic book fan like that and don't actually jerk off to every panel of The Huntress spread-eagled and beating the shit out of some Russian with a gun while yelling, "I'm coming down your throat, you big tough man!" Ha ha! I love pretending! Oh, and I also don't think Ariana is dead. That was just Tim who thinks that. I bet KGBeast kept her alive when he was supposed to kill her because he figured he could use her as some kind of insurance against the Commie Tsar who keeps treating him like cheese scraped out of the foreskin of a filthy gigolo.

DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man (June 1983)

I've never seen the phrase "triple-threat" used so incorrectly.

Gil Kane drew the cover of this issue just in case you were wondering, like me, "Who decided to draw Ralph Dibny like a fancy boy desperate to play with the older, more rough and tumble boys?" If you were thinking that like I was, were you also thinking this (like I was!): "I wonder where on Ralph's spiraling torso his balls are?"

What I'm trying to ask is, "Are you like me? Or am I desperately alone in this cold and uncaring universe?" I used to think the universe was described as cold and uncaring because rocks and space and the majority of things in the universe are cold and uncaring. Stars, if I'm doing the pretend math in my head correctly (it's pretend because making up numbers by pure guessing isn't actually math), make up just 0.000000000000000003% of the universe. So it's cold! And it's uncaring only because we, as sentient beings, love to project our own sentience onto every other thing in the universe, like stars and Ralph Dibny's balls. And right up until the last decade or so, I would have characterized the universe differently because we live among other sentient creatures who are often warm and caring. But then I learned most of them are not those things at all and they're more like asteroids and infinite expanses of cold vacuum and the majority of planets. They're also like the end of most living creatures where the defecation happens. Why do you think so many people are so cold and uncaring? It's probably because they've never read a book or enjoyed poetry or experienced and connected with another sentient beings most intimate artistic creation. They're just superficial dickfucks who have only ever pursued sex, money, and power. Man, those people suck so much I can't even think of an artistic way to express how much I think they suck. All I can do is envision a dirty, hairy ape squatting over a Van Gogh and spraying a terribly soft shit across it. That's what I see when I see those kinds of people. Sadly, those kinds of people now make up 99.999999999999999997% of all sentient beings in the universe.

Hopefully this comic book will make me feel better about the living wet shits populating the world around me because it's about Superman, Robin, and Elongated Man! They're like three of the most upbeat personalities in the DC Universe! If they can't make me see the wonder and joy of existence, my next comic book might as well be a loaded gun!

I don't know what their original crime was but they just asked a teenaged boy to touch them.

It's good to see Batman has taught Robin to kick his adversaries directly in the dick. Superman, on the other hand, goes straight for the heart. Probably to make their heart go into arrhythmia so the criminal panics and thinks they're having a heart attack as opposed to actually stopping their heart and killing them. Do you think Superman uses his x-ray vision to make sure a normal human being doesn't have any heart problems before he punches them in the heart unlike Batman who just shrugs and thinks, "If they didn't want to get punched into a heart attack, they shouldn't have decided to be poor and desperate and turn to crime. I didn't kill them; poor health and life decisions killed them."

Dibny just punches the guy in the heart because he's copying Superman. Sue loves when Ralph pretends to be Superman in the bedroom so he's learning as much as he can on this adventure. Mostly Sue loves Ralph pretending to be Superman because Superman doesn't have stretching powers and it forces Ralph to not do weird shit during sex, like putting his nose up her asshole while they kiss.

The issue begins with a dad abusing his son.

I'll only forgive this father if he thinks he's taking his kid to see a sex show and/or elephants shitting.

Turns out I can't forgive the father because he believes a "real show" is comprised of clowns, lions, and monkeys. I suppose that line-up doesn't rule out a terrific show but I highly doubt this circus feeds clowns to the lions while the monkeys throw shit at the audience. If that was the show the dad was talking about, he and his son are about to be sorely disappointed as it turns out the Elongated Man and Robin have taken over the circus for a charity event. It's either for Retired Circus Performers or Circus Kids with PTSD from Seeing Their Parents Murdered During a Performance.

The performance is disturbing enough that I'm not willing to scan any of the panels lest I be accused of running an erotic site for NAMBLA members. Just know that Robin swings from and bounces all over Ralph's body while Ralph grins disturbingly.

"Why can't my boy share my enthusiasm for my erotic club that somehow isn't explicitly illegal?"

For some reason, Clark Kent covers the circus's charity event as the anchorman for WGBS news. Maybe he suspects Lex Luthor's behind the event trying to fund some anti-Superman waste of everybody's time. I often comment how Batman could use therapy but never mention Lex's dire need for it. That's probably because he's an evil super villain and everybody simply assumes that all evil super villains could use therapy. But specifically Lex since he bases all of his schemes over destroying a made-up rival. I say "made-up" because you know Clark Kent doesn't spend any actual time thinking about Lex personally. And I don't mean that in a Don Draper in an elevator saying, "I don't think about you at all," kind of way because it's obvious all Don Draper does is think about his young up and coming competition. Clark would forget about Lex in a matter of minutes if Lex just stopped being a kryptonite pain in his ass.

What I can only assume are three men dressed as NAMBLA mascots interrupt Clark Kent's news report.

These are the guys who plead for Robin to touch them so I'm simply assuming they're with NAMBLA.

For the younger generations, "chump" was basically the "cunt" of the '50s. I know this comic book is from 1983 but it was written by a man born in 1952 and I'm assuming Mike W. Barr, being a comic book writer, suffers from some form of arrested development so he probably, at 30, still thought of "chump" as pretty rebellious.

Instead of punching Clark's stupid lights out, the NAMBLA mascots run right through him (because they're intangible). It's 1983 so that's probably not a crime although I'd say it's not just physical assault but sexual assault as well. If anybody ever actually gains the power to phase right through shit, I am stating right here and now that they do not have my consent to enter and pass through my body, no matter how much time it saves them getting to Point B.

There's an advert for Dungeons & Dragons in this comic book because they knew Satanists were really into comic books.

Look at this table full of nerds! I mean budding Satanists!

If I were a weird online incel weirdo, I'd probably scream about how woke this scene depicting kids playing role playing games was. But I'm actually an old person who was playing table top role playing games at the time this advert came out and our table was almost always 50% girls and 50% boys. Weird, hunh? Although by high school, our gaming group was exclusively boys but that's because women mature faster and the girls who used to play with us were out getting laid and going to parties while we were role playing doing those things with other guys.

Clark, being super smart, certainly realizes he should just step on this guy's feet to immobilize him since his feet must be tangible to be able to produce friction with the ground to propel himself forward!

Maybe Clark's even smarter than that and has decided, if this guy's intangible, how much chaos can he cause? Just let him run around not being able to touch anything until his little criminal mind gets tired and bored. What a stupid super power. Unless you're main goal is to completely aggravate your sibling on a road trip, not being able to touch somebody doesn't seem like it'll allow you to accomplish much.

The Intangibles rush through the side of the tent and begin scaring the horses pulling the cages containing the wild animals. A tiger gets loose and an elephant stampedes. So I guess they can cause chaos but to what end? To steal the proceeds from the charity event, one of them will have to become tangible long enough for Robin to get his head in a scissor lock with his crotch mashed against the guy's face. Then the father of the son who hates him will stand up and applaud and everybody around him will be all, "Why's he got that huge wet spot on the inseam of his pants?"

Robin takes out the tiger with sleeping gas while Ralph attempts to stop the elephant. But Superman gets there first.

I probably would have stopped it in one of the many other ways that wasn't "grab it by its dick."

Elongated Man doesn't seem too upset that Superman jerked off an elephant to save the day while Ralph humiliated himself by rubber banding his body around a bunch of posts for no reason.

The elephant wasn't upset either.

Superman's next move is to use his x-ray vision on the Intangibles which feels redundant and unscientific even if it isn't. Can x-ray vision help him see fog better? Not see in and through the fog better! But to help him see the fog better. How would his x-ray vision help when looking into an insubstantial person? I need these questions answered before I can continue to enjoy this comic book! It was fine when Superman pulled the elephant's penis and then the elephant grinned from flappy ear to flappy ear. That's understandable! But what use is using x-ray vision on an intangible person?!

But what did you expect it to reveal?! I'm beginning to see why Lex Luthor hates this stupid fucking jackass.

Superman does try to destroy the Intangible Man's foot with his heat vision which, as I pointed out earlier, was a good idea. But even that doesn't do anything. That must mean these Intangible men are simply projections of light with some super ventriloquism added! It's all a big illusion. Ralph Dibny wiggles his nose at them so he's probably beginning to suspect the truth. Robin hasn't been seen since he put the tigers to sleep and Superman beat off the elephant. I'm not suggesting Robin's doing anything untoward but if he reappears with tiger semen stains on his outfit, I won't be surprised.

Meanwhile, a tangible man in an intangible man's outfit fiddles with some doohickeys in a van nearby, recording all of Superman's attempts to use his super visions: x-ray, microscopic, telescopic, and heat. I guess it's common knowledge that he has those abilities because the guy's van's computer seems set up simply to tick off every time Superman uses one. Eventually Superman decides that throwing his "indestructible cape" over the intangible person should do the trick because he's the dumbest fucking asshole I've ever seen. God, no wonder Lex Luthor hates him. It's like when I see high school friends posting on Facebook and it makes me want to destroy them completely! Not just because they post the dumbest alt-reality shit but because they're so confident in their idiocy! No wonder these dumb jerks call so many people elitist. I guess if I were a stupid fuck who believed all the dumb shit in the world and somebody was all, "You're dumb," I'd think they were being elitist too! Nobody wants to do any rigorous self-examination just to come up with the realization that they're as stupid as everybody says they are.

A guy I knew back in the old neighborhood growing up posted recently, "But us conspiracy 'theorists' are nuts...crazy...out of our minds, right?!?!" He then followed his statement up with the craziest fucking video as evidence that his beliefs weren't crazy. I saw that post and instantly shaved my head and began wearing only purple and green outfits.

Seeing Superman fail with his cape, Robin decides maybe he'll have better luck than Superman at catching an uncatchable person.

Batman's not even here. Just call it a fucking rope, you kiss ass.

What do you think turns an ordinary rope into a Batrope? It must be made of bats, right?

After the Intangibles disappear, Superman, Robin, and Ralph try to figure out what just happened. Superman somehow gleans that they got him to use all of his vision powers but can't figure out how that could be meaningful. I figure it's so meaningless that if I were Superman the thought never even would have occurred to me! But he's hanging out with some great detectives so he's really trying to pull his weight here. Ralph realizes that the Intangibles didn't sink into the ground which doesn't make any sense because if they were intangible and didn't have any mass, why would they sink? Maybe he's just dumbing down the whole science of friction for Superman. It's easier to be all "How did their feet touch the ground if they weren't corporeal?" than to be all "How could they propel themselves forward if they had no surface area to push against the surface area of the ground?" See? Even I'm dumbing it down for Superman although mostly because I don't know how to realistically explain the science of movement and mass and insubstantiality! I think it has something to do with one of Newton's half-dozen laws.

Being that Superman and his detective friends won't be figuring out what happened any time soon, the comic book shifts to the perspective of the Intangible Men who explain everything as concisely as possible.

I don't understand the power of harnessing visual powers to somehow make his intangibility real but I do understand workers being taken advantage of by corporations! Go Frank!

Superman still has one vision power that the intangibles didn't get their grubby Hollywood mitts on: super-vision! I guess that vision allows him to see radiation and, luckily for Supers (unluckily for everybody at the circus that day), the Intangible projections left behind a whole mess of radiation! Does that explain how the projections could project through the walls of the circus tent? Or did the Intangibles set up projectors all over the circus in preparation for the event? That would be my guess because then Ralph and Dick's eventual realization that some Hollywood types were behind the chaos would make sense because they could have conducted interviews with the performers about any strange people they saw before the show which would have led them to discovering holographic projectors set up everywhere which would have led them to tracing the serial numbers on the projectors which would have given them the credit cards used to buy the equipment which would have led them to the business that purchased the equipment which would have led them to Frank's hideout in Hollywood. Instead, they figured it out like this:

Only a truly stupid deduction like this and the assumption that they must go to California to investigate could make me ignore filling this caption with sexual comments about the way Ralph's riding Robin and Superman.

Meanwhile in California which is where anybody who can do special effects lives, the Intangible Man decides to steal the third movie in a popular movie franchise. Usually that wouldn't be enough of a reason to whip out your cop gun and shoot the guy stealing the film but the director just told everybody, loudly and clearly, that he was carrying the only print of the film! Also I was just joking about that thing where a cop wouldn't shoot somebody for stealing a film. Fucking cops only know how to shoot shit. They can't actually solve crimes so they try to stop crime by showing repeatedly that they'll shoot anybody they want to. That's somehow supposed to make people feel safer. Usually it only makes racists feel safer because they assume cops won't shoot white people for no reason. But they're wrong. Cops will shoot anybody for no reason! They just can't get enough of it!

Now the Intangible Man will be charged with the murder of the two people the cop shot because District Attorneys are as corrupt as cops. They have to be or the cops won't testify for them!

See that? Somehow the harnessed powers of x-ray vision, telescopic vision, microscopic vision, and heat vision have come together to allow a man to be partly intangible and partly tangible at the same time! This comic book came out in 1984. Why haven't the kids who read this then and grew up to be scientists because of it invented this technology? I bet they have but the government covered it up. Or the tech industry disrupted it when some loser with no ideas but could charm the money out of rich idiots was all, "Forget intangibility. Don't you think people would rather be completely tangible for only a small monthly subscription fee?!"

The Intangibles somehow decide they're now worth 25 million dollars after stealing a film they can't release or sell because everybody knows it's been stolen and the slippers Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz (which, you know, also can't be sold since they were so publicly stolen by these idiots). But their goal doesn't seem to be making money; it just seems to be in possessing items worth the most money ever stolen by any gang ever. Apparently they're just playing Grand Theft Auto but in real life (real life in this comic book, I mean).

How does that help, Robin? Do you understand time zones at all?!

I'm glad to see Robin kneeling on Superman's back instead of straddling it. When I say that, I'm speaking of my brain. My penis isn't glad to see it at all. Also I'm assuming Robin is the 19 year old teen wonder because I wouldn't want it to be weird. Although it's already weird (and completely fantastical) that I'd be interested in a twink like Robin. Have you not read all of my Justice League America reviews? I'm obviously into Ice Maiden and her constant under boob shots.

Superman scans all the Hollywood studios with his super-vision looking for the radiation signature left behind at the circus until he finds it all over a small studio in the Hollywood hills.

Ew. There's only one thing I can think of that Robin's using as a seat belt.

Superman breaks through the wall of the studio with his invulnerable body and Robin's face. Surprised, Frank pulls a gun plugged into a computer on Superman. Superman's all, "Ha ha! Give it your best shot!" And Frank is all, "Pyu! Pyu!" And Superman is all, "Oh fuck! I've made a huge mistake!" Frank thought the gun would make Superman intangible but instead it just fucked up his eyesight a little bit. Superman acted like it was the end of the world but I guess when you're used to 20/20 vision, suddenly seeing everything distorted can be a really slight irritation. At the very least, it causes enough of a distraction for Frank to get away.

Except Frank doesn't try to get away. He just watches Superman stumble around while thinking, "Well! That takes care of that!" Ralph and Robin also don't try to subdue the guy with the gun. Instead they follow Superman as he stumbles around the room. Is nobody going to take any of this seriously?

Um. What's with the glove? What does he plan on doing to these two?

Superman flies up into the atmosphere while Robin tries to kick a known intangible person in the dick. Seriously. That's twice in one comic book where Robin immediately begins the fight by going for some guy's junk. Superman doesn't have a clear idea how he's going to fix his vision. Maybe getting close to the sun and super healing? Anyway, before he can deal with his eyesight, he happens upon a plane that's going to crash due to damage to one of its wings. But Superman, having learned a few things about erotic massage from dating Lana, quickly fixes the plane without any need from his fucked up eyes.

Oh yeah. That's the stuff!

Superman flies up near the sun to stare into it and cure his fucked up eyes. Don't ask me how long it takes for Superman to get to the sun and back for two main reasons: this is a comic book and I'm an idiot. The only numbers I can come up with are "at least 16 minutes" and "probably four months." Neither of those numbers seem great for Robin and Ralph's survival against the show-biz folks. I guess they're dead, especially since there's only like two pages left in this story. I imagine one page shows Ralph and Robin being murdered and the final page shows Superman crying over their beaten and bloodied bodies.

Robin stole that breeze line from Superman!

In case you thought I was exaggerating about Superman staring directly into the sun from a few feet away, that caption should convince you to trust everything I say in these blogs. Like how Superman pulled an elephant's dick until it came and Robin wrapped Ralph's dick around himself for safety reasons.

Superman shows up just in time to take the credit for catching these guys even though Robin and Ralph have it all sorted. Then Robin makes a bad pun and Superman says, "How does Batman stand you?" And then Superman and Ralph laugh while Robin cries.

DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man Rating: C. It was pretty fucking stupid. But it was entertainingly stupid which, really, is all I ask for from a comic book. Unless it's written by a British writer from the 1980s and then I expect my mind to be blown. The best part about this issue was the next issue blurb!

Ambush Bug! I have that issue somewhere!