Green Lantern #33 (Late November 1992)

Hal Jordan romantically involved with a 13 year old is approved by the Comics Code Authority.

That black tentacle thing coming out of Arisia's back (is that where her alien butthole is?) are the Kraken dreadlocks I mentioned last issue but never scanned any for readers to see. I don't know why they're coming out of Arisia. Is she the Kraken? Is this an intergalactic version of To Catch a Predator?

The issue begins with Arisia trapped in a field of Floronic Men while telling Hal Jordan that she needs him. This time with an exclamation point! Now I believe her!

I don't care how hot you make her, M.D. Bright. Me and my dick know she's a 13 year old only pretending to be an adult super model who loves to fuck Hal Jordans.

I'm only joking! She's a fictional character and a drawing and also I don't know if she loves to fuck Hal or she just thinks, as an adult, she should love to fuck Hal. But if I wanted to jerk off to this picture, there's nothing wrong with that! What's the difference between a drawing of an adult woman who is actually an adult woman and a drawing of an adult woman that's canonically just a 13 year old alien girl? Nothing! Out of context, a quick jerk to this would be totally harmless. But obviously I'm not going to jerk off to a comic book! At least not at my current age! And Arisia's 1992 canon age! I'm just philosophizing up excuses for if I accidentally do jerk off to this later.

Do you think M.D. Bright based his version of Arisia on Laura Dern?

Of course she can read, officer. But do you expect everybody to be able to read your backwards font on your police tape?

Do you think The Floronic Man is looking up Arisia's skirt? Good thing for Arisia, her butthole is on her back and covered by the dress.

Hal discovers Carol packing up and checking out of the hotel room next to hers when he returns from having coffee. They have a conversation that's drawn as if they're arguing but they're actually in total agreement with each other. Hal's ready to start his flight business and Carol's ready to do all of the work for him. Nobody even mentions Rose! When I glanced at the page, I thought for sure Hal had just said something dumb and Carol was putting him in his place. But they seem to be starting off their business relationship quite well. Plus, Carol's not in the room next to Hal's anymore! So he can fuck waitresses and 13 year old aliens to his heart's content!

Before Carol can leaving the parking lot, Hal gets a call from Blue Beetle letting Hal know the police have found Arisia and she's asking not just for Green Lantern but for Hal. So now he feels he can't just leave Arisia to Kilowog. He's going to have to risk falling into sex with her. Carol hears the entire conversation but mostly she just hears yet another woman's name coming out of Hal's mouth.

Just casually letting Carol know he dated a model.

I love how Hal "has to admit" that Arisia was attractive but he doesn't have to admit that she was a child. Weird the kinds of things people choose to "have to admit" to other people. I suppose he also "had to admit" that she worked as a model while he was dating her. Take that, Carol!

Hal assures Carol that Arisia isn't any threat to their relationship and Carol is all, "Why would I think she'd be a threat to our friendship?" And Hal is all, "whut?" No wait. I bet Hal was actually thinking, "That means I'll be single when I meet up with Arisia! Oo-de-lally, oo-de-lally, golly what a day!"

On her planet? I knew plenty of girls in junior high who didn't look like "junior high school girls."

I feel like two out of three of these cops are almost getting the whole consent thing behind statutory rape laws. One of them obviously doesn't give a damn. Some bodies mature faster than others. That doesn't mean, as a child or teen, they should be constantly harassed by older men. It's weird that these cops can philosophically discuss this issue because she's an alien. But if she were a human, I guess they'd just be all, "She acts like she's in junior high but she's hot like a woman. I guess she's just ditzy and sexually available? Because of the way society makes us believe children should look?" Then the third cop is all, "I don't even care if she's in junior high!"

I'd forgotten that the reason Hal was concerned about Arisia's well being on Earth was that he saw what was currently happening to her by utilizing The Book of Oa in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1. There's a note in this issue referencing that story. But here's what I had to say about it back in 2015 when I re-read it:

You don't want to know.

No, seriously. Go away. You don’t want to know.

*sigh*

Okay. So Arisia was thirteen years old when she fell in love with Hal Jordan. Now, this wasn’t a case of thirteen years being mature in her alien physiology. No, she acknowledges that she wasn’t an adult when she uses the Green Lantern Ring to give her the body of an adult which Hal Jordan’s boner notices. So he takes her to a secluded planet to live with her because pedophilia is illegal on Earth. At least that’s why I’m assuming he took her off of Earth to live with her.

Remembering back to the time, Arisia thinks, “But being beautiful wasn’t enough. I also needed a grown-up brain if I expected to keep a grown man interested.” Are we all completely skeeved out yet? I mean all of us except for Hal Jordan who was totally into it.

Eventually Arisia left Hal Jordan, probably because she realized he was a sick pervert. But then she went on to have a modeling career because “when you’ve got a pretty face and bod, most people don’t care if you have a brain. So I learned how not to have a grown-up brain and get away with it.” Has everybody’s genitalia shriveled up from hearing this yet?

So while she’s remembering all of these horrible memories, she crashes her car and winds up in the hospital where her current manager comes to rush her off to her next photo shoot.

I like to think John Stewart is changing the subject not because they’re arguing about who gets to be Earth’s Green Lantern but because he knows how Goddamned icky this whole history is.

This is me back in the present of 2024! What's most surprising about the above panels is that when Arisia reverts back to having her normal, thirteen year old mind, she still references Hal as her boyfriend! That's pretty suspicious, Hal. It's also kind of a bummer. Why am I reading a comic book written by a sex pest with heavy sex pest baggage on the title's hero?! I guess this is the whole point of DC refusing to collect this run?

If you want a succinct bit of where Hal stands on all of this, here's what he thinks upon meeting back up with her this issue:

Is this the dictionary definition of justifying one's actions?

Hal wants to believe that Arisia, by using the ring's power to transform herself into a woman, was consent enough to fuck her over an Oan kitchen counter. But that's just some weird belief in the power and goodness of the ring he loves to use. If a baby picked up the ring and somehow in its baby thoughts transformed itself into a beautiful woman that seemed to understand and comprehend the world around it as an adult would, Hal Jordan would fuck that baby. At least this 1992 version of him would and since that's the one I'm reading, that's the one that exists in my head and will exist there forever. His belief that the ring makes the sexual assault of a minor okay because he believes so much in the power of the ring to do good sounds to me like Democrats believing that the slaughter of Palestinian citizens is okay because they believe so much in the power of the Democratic party to do good. It's pretty fucking gross, really.

But then this is just a fictional comic book, so do I really care if Hal is portrayed as fucking an underage girl? Not really! Let's just go with it and see where it takes us! I'm especially curious to see Carol's reaction when she finally hears the whole story about Hal and Arisia! Man, I wish Guy Gardner were around to bring her up to speed!

"Look, you're really bumming me out and reminding me of some past actions that I don't want others to know about. So you gotsta go."

Hal drops Arisia off at Justice League Headquarters in New York so he can go deal with what's happening to the New Guardians. It's a bold move because she currently knows she's thirteen and that Hal is her boyfriend. I have a feeling some of the JLA are going to be regretting kicking Guy Gardner out as Green Lantern soon.

Hal arrives at the New Guardians' home, Kroef's Island, to find it covered by a huge black dome. His friend Tom and his family made it out on a makeshift raft. They explain that black, sentient, worm-like things called Entropoids were devouring everything on the island. During their conversation, Hal finally realizes that maybe his friend doesn't want to be called a slur on a continuous basis, and maybe that was one of the wedges that grew up between their friendship. Maybe Hal is growing! Maybe he won't return to Arisia after this adventure is over and try to fuck her! What a hero!

The Entropoids manage to infect Hal's ring for a page or two. They bombard him with doubts about the Guardians, doubts which Hal has always had and yet always seems to fall back in line when they're around. They're known liars and manipulators but somehow everybody in the Corps keeps giving them the benefit of the doubt. Probably so they can keep their power rings.

The Entropoids tell Hal that The Guardians should never have returned. By doing so, they've broken the Third Law. At first I was hoping the Third Law was some made-up universal law about the DC Universe. But I guess it's the Third Law of Thermodynamics that they've broken. I'm not sure how they broke it. I suppose it was by making the current DC Universe an open system. Perhaps leaving and then coming back fucked up the whole closed system aspect, bringing more energy into the system. That would explain why Entropy and the Entropoids are so angry. Their whole plan to set the entire temperature of the universe to Absolute Zero has been set back by this intrusion of energy from the outside!

Oh. It's back to "Pie," is it? I hope Ice and Fire are sitting Arisia down right now and discussing boundaries with her.

I'm not sure what kind of plan DC had for the New Guardians but it looks like they decided to bin the whole thing with this story. I'm sure most of the New Guardians survive this story arc. But I'm not sure if the Indigo Children, or The Chosen, do. No reason to keep those squirts around now that the Guardians are back and the Zamarons are pregnant with their disgusting little Smurf babies.

Hal tries to contact the Guardians and they just tell him all information is on a need-to-know basis and Hal definitely doesn't need to know. So Hal believes he has two choices: battle the Entropoids in ignorance or head back to Oa and demand answers. Weird because I know of a third choice: go back to Los Angeles, take Carol out to dinner, and plan your stupid mundane flight business. If the Guardians don't want you to know about this shit, it's not your responsibility!

Green Lantern #33 Rating: B+. This is only the first issue of the story arc so I can't be disappointed yet. Anything could happen yet! The main thing I want to happen is for Carol and Arisia to have brunch and a long talk. I also want Tom to punch Hal in the throat the next time he calls him "Pieface." I wouldn't mind more of the Guardians being killed by Entropy. Guardians dying is always a plus in my book. Oddly enough, I don't really care about getting any of the answers Hal wants. The Guardians are dicks. Isn't that answer enough for why they withhold information and act mysterious and refuse to let all the Mosaic cities go back home and force Hal to have to treat an idiotic dog alien as an equal? I also don't really care why Entropy is so angry and has decided to bust up the Guardians' New Guardian program. If I had to guess, I'd guess it's going to be like Pearl Harbor or 9/11. The powers that be knew or suspected that an attack was going to happen but they also realized the consequences of the attack would be results they wanted. America wanted Americans support for a war in the Pacific, the Government needed an excuse to humiliate Saddam again, and the Guardians were glad of the deaths of the Indigo Children who were probably meant to replace them. Not that I'm saying the Guardians set Entropy on the New Guardians! They just knew the results of that happening would be to their liking. Unlike 9/11 being an inside job. That's pretty obvious! Have you read all the really top-of-the-line arguments for it that you can only find on the weirdest, shadiest, and grimmest parts of the Internet? How could you not believe after digging up these essays by the smartest people on Earth who nobody really takes seriously for some reason?! Also those crazy YouTube documentaries that aren't crazy at all if you listen to them and don't think about any of it too much. So convincing!

Green Lantern #32 (Early November 1992)

Oh, I know the 3rd Law! It's "If it's your first time in Green Lantern Corps, you have to Green Lantern."

Oh no. Tim Hamilton has been given the art duties! Remember a few issues ago where I was pretending to be a legitimate reviewer who totally isn't just an online bully and I was all, "Tim Hamilton's art reminds me of that time Katie Couric got a colonoscopy on live television." I also might have said something like, "Based on this art, Tim Hamilton must have invaded Poland at least once." It's possible I even summed it all up with "Peeeeeee-yuke!" But that was a different me! A disrespectful me! A me that doesn't exist because I was actually quite tame about my criticism of his art! I even pussed out and offered some warm fuzzies about his New Yorker cartoon career! Man, I've really turned into a chump in my middle to middle-late middle age!

This issue begins with The Floronic Man being killed by the Kraken's dreadlocks. I would scan the image so you could see exactly what I mean but I think you've already imagined it because of my eloquent description. Unless you don't know who The Floronic Man is. Then I can't help you. Instead of scanning in something useful, I'm going to show you something you never wanted to see in your life.

I don't know what he's fucking but if I had to guess, based on his expression and earlier foreshadowing, I'd say a butthole made out of green light.

I'm sure most people who first read this comic book didn't base their guess on foreshadowing and simply based their guess on the following panel being placed directly in front of the previous panel:

I was going to say he was fucking The Floronic Man except I knew he wasn't because The Floronic Man is getting fucked by the Kraken's dreads.

From the first three pages of this comic book, I'd say Gerard Jones was sitting around flipping through whatever turned him on in 1992 (I'd guess Garfield comic strip collections but nobody gets arrested for loving those (for some reason)) and thought, "Hey! Green Lantern is green! And the Swamp Thing is like an elemental for The Green! There's probably something exciting there!" It's also possible that Gerard Jones asked Tim Hamilton what character he'd like to draw and Tim Hamilton, understanding his personal style all too well, responded, "The Floronic Man! It's why I draw every human to look just like him!"

I love that Tim Hamilton gave The Floronic Man wooden teeth. I get most Internet nerds would shove me in a locker for admitting that because it seems so fucking obvious. But I bet none of them ever thought about it before and then once they learned it, they just assumed they'd already knew that because it's so obvious and they have no ability to express how they didn't actually know something one time ever.

I'm going to scan some cheesecake panels of Hal Jordan and you're going to expect me to apologize to Tim Hamilton because badly drawn human beings don't usually make people warm in the crotch. And I would apologize but I'm getting lightheaded now that all my blood has moved to, um, other regions of my body.

It's probably Romeo Tanghal's inking that made Hal so hot here!

Here's something new I just learned: "KRIK" is the comic book sound effect for putting a middle-aged finger up your butthole!

How old is Hal Jordan? He must be in his 40s because I don't think you refer to being thirty when you're like thirty-three. Or even thirty-eight. Maybe thirty-nine. But that's actually forty. I think there's a mathematical proof that explains how that works, something along the lines of 39.99 repeating actually equals 40.

Hal Jordan puts on his Green Lantern kit and flies off to purchase a plane. Carol Ferris sits in bed in the motel room next door depressed because she's currently afraid to live her own life and waiting for Hal to start his and include her. Eventually she talks herself into getting the fuck out of bed and HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU CAN DRAW THIS KIND OF THING IN MAINSTREAM COMIC BOOKS?!

I hope nobody else in this house just heard that KRIK.

Carol looks at herself in the mirror after getting dressed and calls herself a dog. If she looks like a dog, I must be into bestiality. Hopefully when I write my first novel, nobody takes the second half of that previous sentence and quotes it out of context in their articles about me.

Anyway, Carol heads out to get a make-over. She claims she's not doing it for anybody else but I have an inkling that somebody named "Rose" might be behind it a little bit.

Meanwhile on Kroef's Island, Thomas Kalmaku, otherwise known horribly by his best friend Hal Jordan as "Pieface," suffers the same fate as The Floronic Man. So I was wrong about Gerard Jones' reasons for writing this story being a revelation during a shit while high on mushrooms causing him to think, "The Green. The Green Lantern. oh my fucking god". He's just decided that The New Guardians haven't really been utilized and maybe it's time to just destroy the entire project by having them eaten by Kraken Dreads.

Hal Jordan has a three point plan for his day when this issue begins:

1. Buy a plane.
2. Find Arisia.
3. Fuck Arisia.

Carol Ferris also has a three point plan for the day:

1. Stop looking like a dog.
2. Call Deathstroke the Terminator and give him Rose's name and location.
3. Fuck Hal Jordan.

If I were Carol and/or Arisia, my plan for the day would be "Avoid Hal Jordan like Tess avoids contact with their father."

Parts 2 and 3 of Hal's plan might not sound icky to you if you don't know Hal and Arisia's history. But don't worry! Hal clears that up for any readers who were all, "I hope Hal finds his ex and fucks her 'til she comes strawberries!"

"Don't publicize this, guys! I don't want anybody knowing what a huge sex pest I am!"

That ellipsis at the end of Hal's last statement means his thought continues in the next panel. Don't worry. He doesn't think, "That'll be so fucking hot!" But he does think, "That'll only complicate things for all of us." By "us," Hal means his brain and his dick, I think.

Don't worry! He hasn't found Arisia yet! He's talking about a plane! He just means the plane he's going to buy!

The New Guardians continue to be attacked by great big swathes of black tentacles. Tom survives with the help of Gloss. But after Harbinger drops by with The Floronic Man's head, she and Gloss are consumed by the black stuff. Tom, his wife, and The Floronic Man's head escape, probably so they can contact Green Lantern and replant The Floronic Man. There's also the rest of the New Guardians but, really, what the fuck are they going to do? They were supposed to be some kind of grand advancement in human evolution after Millennium but they were all but forgotten, really. I think they all just became grandiose babysitters watching over all of Earth's Indigo children. But I can't be sure because I was also one of those people who all but forgot them.

Carol loves her new look so I guess I'm happy for her. I prefer her old look but then I prefer old dogs from the '70s over power business woman of the '90s.

It's also possible I was simply won over by the underpants and side boob in the earlier panel.

Again, my opinion doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm all, "Ew! You look lame! I hate everything about your new look, Carol Ferris!" Because she likes it. The look also makes Hal spontaneously come in his pants.

That's twice Hal has orgasmed on-panel in this issue!

Right up until Hal saw Carol's new look, he was thinking about fucking the waitress. Just before he sat down to attempt to fuck the waitress, he was thinking about how he doesn't want to be tied down. But he was also wondering why he'd take the job back on Earth if he wanted to be totally free from commitments. It seems Hal just wants everything he doesn't currently have without any actual ties to bind him. Guy had Earth so Hal wanted it. Carol wanted to kill and eat him so he wanted Carol. Arisia has run away from the life she thought she wanted as a thirteen year old pretending to be a grown-ass woman and now Hal wants Arisia. No wonder this guy becomes a villain and then the Spectre.

Carol passes by confident in her own body and autonomy and suddenly Hal can't wait to own her.

Once Hal realizes he wants a relationship with Carol, he decides he must stop looking for Arisia. Just in case anybody was unclear as to why Hal really wanted to find her. He decides to tell Kilowog to find her because even if she needs help, Hal's help comes with multiple sex strings attached. And he wouldn't want to cheat on Carol! He also wouldn't want to cheat on Rose, probably, but I'm pretty sure Rose chose John Stewart in Mosaic #5. We'll find out for sure whenever I get to the short box with my Mosaic issues!

Meanwhile, Arisia is looking for Hal! She proclaims, "I need him." But does she really if she didn't even bother to use an exclamation point? While looking for Hal at the recently destroyed by Eclipso's eclipsed heroes Ferris Aircraft, Arisia is assaulted by a bunch of vines with the face of The Floronic Man. He (or Tom through him) declares, "We need you Green Lantern!" Looks like Carol and Hal won't be working out after all.

Green Lantern #32 Rating: A. This issue was just a lot of Hal and Carol thinking too much about where they currently are in life and what path they should be going down. Carol makes a decision to make Carol happy and, so far, seems to be sticking to it. Hal makes the decision to play the field and fly planes right up until his dick spies Carol and her new look. Then he throws his plans out the window. Look, I get it! Who wouldn't want to fuck the person who has an alternate persona that wants to murder you? That's basically the definition of arousing. I think that's why this was a "Prologue." Because Green Lantern didn't do anything. It was all Hal. Also, the New Guardians got fucked in most of their orifices while setting up the main "The Third Law" plot beginning next issue. Total prologue shit! And I love prologue shit!

Flash #70 (November 1992)

The Free Speech crowd attacking two people (and a dog) on Twitter because they had pronouns in their bio.

I wouldn't hate on people who are actually pro-free-speech but we currently live in the stupidest time where people fully do not understand free speech. It's possible they understand it but after fifty years on this planet, I've finally stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt. So when they're all for banning books because the targets of the ban are people they fundamentally disagree with and they see the ban as a punishment but cry their snowflake asses off about censorship when a twelve year old girl on tumblr demands that they stop saying "retard," you kind of have to either believe they don't understand free speech or they're just hypocritical assholes. Oh, wait. I just realized that by concluding they don't understand free speech, I was giving them the benefit of the doubt! Sorry, they're just assholes! My bad!

Ha ha. I'm still laughing about "incelorillas."

Flash spends the first three pages of this issue explaining what happened in the last piece of the story arc for the readers who couldn't afford the extra $1.25 to purchase Green Lantern #31 this month. That doesn't seem like much but I'm not even sure how I was able to afford it in 1992. I guess I played one less game of Cyberball down at 4th Street Bowl at two in the morning that week.

Green Lantern spends the fourth page trying to grab some bananas with his ring. Recently having devolved into a caveman, Hal Jordan has been reduced to the basest male actions: eating, fucking, and killing. Luckily for Flash, Hal has yet to realize how horny he is.

If I were Wally, I'd shove one yellow boot into my asshole and one over my cock.

I bet Wally, having a way bigger brain than I have and being far less concerned about Hal's new caveman sexual desires, will throw one of his boots over Hal's hand to incapacitate him. Rex will probably just piss all over himself to become invulnerable to Green Lantern.

The duo's real threat is Grodd and his new mega-brain. But they probably don't have to worry about Grodd taking over the world. Once Grodd's Incelorilla Army realizes he's not a Chad but a disabled Beta Cuck, they'll abandon him to look for a real Alpha to tell them how to trick women into banging them.

I'm not sure what's up with Hector. I guess he's become a caveman too. He's probably off angrily fucking a rock which he'll eat afterward.

Who would have guessed this would be Wally's solution? Oh yeah! Big brained me!

Using his newly acquired telepathic powers, Wally takes over Hal's mind and uses the ring to return them both to their normal forms. But in doing so, Wally saps the last of the meteor's power. They won't be able to use the same trick on Grodd and Hector. Speaking of Hector, he finally turns up on page 7.

Danny is playing the part of that rock I mentioned earlier.

Danny is Rex's military buddy. Or was? Doesn't matter. He was never important to this story.

Rex the Wonder Dog can now speak normally due to the meteor's power which makes Danny superfluous anyway. He tracks Gorilla Grodd back to Gorilla City where they find Grodd has used his new mental powers to possess and control every single ape in the city. Now even the apes who get laid regularly are fighting for him.

Meanwhile, Danny doesn't get fucked and eaten because Bobo parachutes out of the sky in the nick of time to save him.

Damn, Bobo. Just gonna throw around the casual slurs, hunh?

Good thing Vandal Savage wasn't around to hear Bobo speak this shit. Speaking of Vandal Savage, didn't he gain his intelligence and immortality from a meteor like this? How many of these meteors are there in the DC Universe? Was Metamorpho's Orb of Ra one of these things? Where did these meteors come from?

While Hal and Wally hide inside a giant green bubble to protect themselves from Grodd's psychic blasts, Rex the Wonder Dog sneaks up on Grodd and attacks.

Once again, Grodd freaks the fuck out when he's attacked by a dog. But this time, his body is too weak to punch the shit out of Rex and he's mauled to death.

Grodd actually defeats Rex but in doing so, he uses up too much of his power. Bobo drops out of the sky again to save Rex while Flash kicks Grodd in the face. After that, Rex is able to destroy Grodd's mind, rendering him as idiotic and devolved as Hammond. Rex, on the other hand, gets to maintain his newfound powers without anybody saying a word. I guess that's because he's a good boy?

Grodd and Hammond become prisoners in Gorilla City where Solovar will continue to attempt to make them useful to Gorilla City. First, they're learning how to push buttons for bananas. Later, they'll probably be trained to clean the Gorilla City septic tanks. Bobo decides to spend some vacation time in Gorilla City fucking lady apes even though he's a chimpanzee. So gross. This book is depraved.

The Flash #70 Rating: C. Average story with really nice art except when it came to Flash's buttocks. I don't know what Greg LaRocque was going for when he was drawing Flash's ass but I suspect it derived from a kink somewhere in Greg's subconscious. It was more upsetting to me than the ten minutes I spent after reading the comic book thinking about Bobo the Chimpanzee fucking lady gorillas.

I suppose the ass of a man who runs at the speed of light is going to develop strangely.

Green Lantern #31 (Late October 1992)

When I first glanced at this cover, I thought Hal's dick was falling off.

I'm not as smart as Hector Hammond so I probably shouldn't question why he and Grodd have decided to use the powers of the 3rd meteorite to evolve their greatest enemies. But then I think about things other than taking vengeance against those who have humiliated me (mostly because then I'd just be punching myself in the face). If I were Hector with that gigantic brain that looks like a scrotum wearing a bad toupee, I'd think along these lines: "If my evolution was to become a much smarter man at the expense of my physique, wouldn't another jump in evolution give me a hard-ass fit body to go along with my know-it-all mind? At some point, with the human body getting weaker and weaker, some human babies are going to get stronger and stronger while also retaining their increased intelligence. Then those babies will kick the asses of the other babies in pre-college and wind up on top of the sex chain. Or maybe another jump in evolution as big as that between modern humans and Hector Hammond would just result in a really smart mind trapped in a useless body but with a massive fucking cock."

Apparently I think evolution will simply result in millions of Steven C. Stewarts, the star and writer of Crispin-Glover-produced-and-directed It is Fine! Everything is Fine.

It's also possible this cover is a big lying tease because readers don't seem to mind being gaslit by massive fucking media companies.

Why does this opening scene make me think of Twitter and Elon Musk stans?

Oh man! Now I'm beginning to doubt that Gorilla Grodd is as smart as people always say he is. He's probably just a big dorky ape that things defending free speech means promoting idiotic conspiracies you believe in while censoring anything that makes you look like a stupid liar! And a bunch of incelorillas were all, "Grodd is a genius! Did you see the way he invented beating The Flash?! Nobody would have any free speech if he didn't spend 44 billion Gorilla City bucks to buy that jail cell condominium mansion!"

When I call somebody an incel, I'm not trying to insult them for being involuntarily celibate. Mostly because most incels are voluntarily celibate. They choose to be as unattractive as possible and thus fulfill, to themselves, the prophecy of never getting any pussy. How the fuck do you think you're going to impress a woman enough that she wants to come on your face by sitting behind a computer or phone screen 24/7 getting angrier and angrier that you aren't getting laid?! But hell! Even being online 24/7 doesn't mean you can't get laid! I've got a friend who got married and had two kids with a woman he met on World of Warcraft. And if you ever saw the way his thoughts translate to typed speech due to some flaw in his mental processing, you'd be all, "How the fuck did that guy woo a woman?!" But he did! Probably because he always let her have the best treasure drops on raids.

Green Lantern and Flash subdue Grodd's incelorillas in less time than it takes Wally West's microwave to cook four pizzas and six burritos. So, you know, like ten seconds. But Flash forgot to warn Green Lantern about the immobile man in the floating La-Z-Boy.

I might sound ableist saying this but, geez, most embarrassing moment of Hal's career.

Hector Hammond would be insulted if I called myself ableist when insulting him. We're the ones who are disabled in his eyes! And I practically get that. I'd say I hate living in a flesh prison about 85% of the time. The other 15% of the time I'm jerking off.

Flash doesn't last much longer than Hal because he has to slow down to deliver a speech to Hector which gives Grodd a moment to blast him in the butthole.

Holy shit! Talk about ableist! Stupid fucking monkey!

Right now you might be thinking, "Tess? Do you think the butthole is right over the kidney?" But you're not thinking in Speed Force! We can't really see exactly where a beam traveling at the speed of light hits a man while he's accelerating to the speed of light after having stood still for three seconds to deliver his lines to Hector. I will never back down from the idea that Flash stops whenever he has a speech bubble! Flash comics try to get me to believe in a thousand irrational ideas every issue and I'll allow myself to make excuses for those things, like Wally showering in three seconds because he's installed a pressure washer in his shower. But I'll never believe that Wally doesn't want people to hear his incredibly funny retorts by speaking them super fast and at such a high speed that human ears could never pick them up.

If you think Grodd is a miserable, judgmental asshole, don't sleep on Hector's ability to be one too.

Oh, so big brutish stinking apes can't be poetic? Fuck off, spindle-boy!

Grodd doesn't finish his statement about how apes are ethnically superior to humans because a dog jumps on him and he screams like a little bitch.

You're an 800 pound gorilla with a gun. It's a fucking border collie. Calm the fuck down.

I thought maybe Grodd had a phobia of dogs but he's just as susceptible to being startled by a dog jumping out of the bushes and tearing at his throat as anybody. He does calm down, dealing with Rex in the very next panel where he punches a dog in the face. This Grodd really is trouble, isn't he?!

Grodd calls Rex a "son of a --" and Rex replies with, "Yeah, so what?" But then they don't fight because Hector realizes a gorilla tearing a dog to pieces is terrible optics, even for an evil villain. At least in 1992! Nowadays, an evil villain has to tear multiple dogs in half and then have sex with both halves of each torn apart dog for audiences to realize he's the bad guy. Or the flawed hero, if you're reading a Mark Millar comic book.

I hope that Mark Millar joke doesn't make him upset!

Oh wait. He'll never see it! Whew!

Man. You make one little joke about how Mark Millar's writing suffers when there's no on-panel decapitations and he erases you out of his existence! That's okay though. Because it was worth it!

Hammond telepathically flies Grodd and himself to the third meteorite before Green Lantern and Flash can recover from being shot by a laser and be run into by a lame guy in a stupid chair. Why didn't Hammond just fly himself across the ocean? Surely his brain power could have managed it without also alerting Grodd's nemesis to their plans? I suppose Hector needed to get to Africa fast so that Grodd didn't suck up all the Evolution Juice for himself.

Judging by the way these two interact, I don't think Hal and Wally will even be necessary to stop them.

Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I can smash your head like a juicy gourd!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can give you an unending case of erectile dysfunction!"
Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I just fucked the back of your chair with my huge gorilla dong!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can force you to fuck furnit...wait a second!"
Both: "Telepathy!"
*Both laugh until Rex the Wonder Dog traps them in a well*

How many babies do you think would fit in an adult-sized gorilla suit? Just asking out of curiosity and has nothing to do with Halloween coming up.

Hammond and Grodd might be super smart but each of them speaks to the other in the most patronizing way, telegraphing their intent to betray the other. Is it their narcissism that blinds them to the other's treachery? Or are they really no smarter than a Democrat constantly moving to the center to garner the votes of people who have been brainwashed into thinking liberals eat children? I guarantee Harris gains more votes by going on 60 Minutes and proclaiming that all cops are fucking bastards and they're starting a federal funding program so every city can have their own Wicker Man.

Grodd and Hammond find the meteor surrounded by animals that have evolved thousands of years into their futures.

Obviously elephants would survive better if they were just more gay.

As Green Lantern flies everybody in a bubble on the trail of the psychic duo, he's hit with a mental blast from Hector Hammond's massive dome and falls unconscious, sending everybody plummeting to the ground. After Hal wakes up, Rex informs him about how they all survived.

So the explanation is that Flash hit the ground even faster than terminal velocity?

Barry would have just done the windmill thing with his arms, one pointed down and the other pointed up, to slow all of their descents. But that's why he was the better Flash! Also, less of a sex pest.

A lot of people will argue with me about my declaration that Barry was the better Flash. But I'm not here to argue that since I don't care for either Flash. I just mean Barry was obviously more competent. Except when it came to being a thorn in the side of JLE's HR Department.

Flash, Rex, and Green Lantern continue their search for Hector and Grodd, leaving the military man behind because he broke his ankle in the fall. I don't ever remember anybody breaking an ankle when Barry was saving them.

Deep in the jungle, the heroes run into psychic flowers that mesmerize Wally and Rex. Hal's ring keeps him safe but that means he's got to defend himself against Hector and Grodd combined! Grodd worries that even they're not smart enough to defeat Green Lantern and suggests that Hammond suck up some Evolution Juice from the meteor. Hammond quickly agrees because he's actually an idiot. Why would Grodd allow Hector to use the meteorite unless he knew there was something tainted in its juice! And just like that, it backfires on Hammond and he devolves into a stupid ape while Grodd evolves into a dickless ape with a massive forehead.

I think Grodd really just wanted the comfy chair.

Not to be purposefully contrarian but I'd rather be stupid with a fit body. I suppose if I wanted to be stupid with a fit body, I could make that happen as easily as Grodd made this happen. I mean, not super as easily in that there isn't a magic meteor to make me fit and dumb. But I could work out and huff a ton of paint if I really fucking wanted to be dumb and fit. The problem is that right now I'm average intelligence, unfit, and really fucking lazy.

In the fallout of the meteorite exploding, Green Lantern turns into a Neanderthal and Flash turns into Hector Hammond. With a head growing that big, that fast, even after returning to normal, Wally's going to have some killer stretch marks all over his cabeza.

Green Lantern #31 Rating: A. I won't say this comic book felt modern since it's 30 years old but it definitely had the modernity of 1992 about it while telling an old Silver Age story. Plus it starred Rex the Wonder Dog with another cameo by Inspector Boobs. I mean Bobo. The only problem I have with it, and it's not a problem isolated to this comic book, is the vague motivation of Grodd and Hammond. They both just sort of want to rule the world. But why? And how would that look when they do it? I think they're just too stupid to realize they want to live a fulfilled life on their own terms without anybody making fun of their useless limbs and/or bare monkey butthole. They think the world won't let them be themselves so they figure they must rule the world to force everybody into allowing them to live the life they want. It's a massive mistake for so many reasons that I'm too lazy to think of all of them. But one of those reasons has to be the responsibility. If you rule the world, you're fucking responsible, man! Sure, you could just force everybody to bring all the resources to you and then you can live a lavish lifestyle while the rest of the world burns. But then you've got to constantly worry about being attacked by unruly mobs or jerks like Green Lantern and Flash and their little dog too. Hopefully Grodd is defeated next issue just by sitting in the comfy chair. He'll be all, "This is nice. All I need is a nice chair like this, a porch with a cool breeze, and some iced tea with watermelon. Fuck, that sounds like a dream!" And then Grodd would basically be my grandmother and he'd live his best fucking life because I'll be Goddamned if anybody lived a better life than my grandmother in retirement (and I guess me in my early youth because I was right there spitting seeds on the bench beside her any chance I got)! She had a great porch too!

Eww. I just heard it. "She's got a great porch too!" That's not any kind of euphemism, dammit! You get those filthy thoughts of my late grandmother out of your filthy head!

Flash #69 (October 1992)

Are these the same two kids Green Lantern saved from drowning in Green Lantern #27?

Don't answer that! I know they're not! I probably shouldn't have even suggested that I thought that. I should have written something like, "Hector Hammond has more forehead than eighteen balding Harvard alumni!" Except funnier and more cutting and probably mentioning four or five penises. Some nights, I'm just not on my game. But I still need to read these fucking comic books or else how am I going to get through the other twenty short boxes cluttering up my bedroom?! You think I want to read one old comic book every day?! You think I don't realize how little respect I get from the people in my life watching me waste my precious time on this shit?! I should be out in the world making new experiences! Instead, I'm reliving old comic books that I don't even remember from the first time I read them and won't remember at all, again, in three months.

When I first picked up this comic book and saw Mark Waid's name on the cover, I thought, "Oh boy! I'm in for an intelligent experience! This guy made quite a name for himself for some reason! Maybe Mark will make it worth it that I'm not re-reading something I truly want to re-read, like Barth's The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor. Or something I've never read like Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor! At least I won't be embarrassed reading this in public because I'll be able to point out any page I'm reading to somebody looking on aghast at an aging man reading a comic book and say, 'See how philosophical this is? See how this writer really respects women and also the reader? See how smart I am to read this!'"

Goddammit! I just showed this to a woman sitting next to me and she slapped me!

Well, fuck you, Mark Waid! I'm assuming your script read, "Page One. Splash page. Focal point: Power Girl's huge tits. Minor focal point: hint of camel toe." At least when the woman was storming out of the café, I had the wherewithal to yell, "But I've read Gravity's Rainbow!" That way she knows she missed out on a real smart cookie! Hmm. Maybe I should have yelled, "I read Gravity's Rainbow and understood at least 3/5ths of it!" I bet she would have dragged me out of there by the dick after that revelation!

I'm hesitant to flip to page two because, man, Power Girl's tits look fucking awesome!

Power Girl who?

Mark Waid's script: "Page Three. Crimson Fox approaches Hal Jordan, tits first. She looks so good that readers should be able to imagine they smell her freshly washed butthole in the same way real estate agents want the smell of baking permeating houses they're trying to sell. Maybe not all readers will imagine that specifically. But some fucking pervert will, I'm sure. Make it clear she looks like she's telling Jordan he's free to explore her every crevice. Especially the butt crevice. You have to draw all of this because if I write any of it out, people will never respect me as a writer."

Do you think people will respect me as a writer for writing all of that out? I only did it because I was pretending to be Mark Waid! He's the fucking pervert!

See? Ralph smells it. His nose isn't twitching because it ain't no mystery where that fresh breeze is coming from.

Sue also smells it and seems particularly intrigued. Crimson Fox's super power is pheromones, by the way. I just wanted to point that out to anybody reading this and thinking, "Why the fuck would anybody even think Crimson Fox's butt smell tantalizes everybody?" Even those that remembered Crimson Fox has pheromone powers, they probably finished up that thought with "It should be her V-hole, no?" Maybe for some of you dorks. But for real men like me, Elongated Man, and Mark Waid, we know where the real attraction pheromones come from!

The Flash doesn't get to see how things turn out between Hal and Crimson Fox (I'd use her first name but I can't remember if she's currently Vivian or Constance) because he has to go inside to pick up the phone and get screamed at by Linda. I think Linda is the woman he eventually marries. But don't hold me to that. What the fuck do I know about Wally West? I have exactly two of his comics from the '80s and '90s!

Wally teleports back to the States because he's too slow to run across the Atlantic Ocean in two minutes. Barry could have done that! Sure, sure. He also would have caused fifteen different Crises while doing it. Wally uses one of those two minutes to build the teleporter (which is linked to one in the basement of his new home). He then has one minute left to microwave some pizzas and burritos in 15 seconds (I guess he likes them mostly frozen), check his messages, eat the frozen pizza and burritos, take a shower, shave, dry off, read the paper, and run across town to the studio where Linda is going to interview him on live television. I'd say he showers in the fifteen seconds it takes to heat up his food but how exactly does Flash shower faster than a normal person?! It's not like the water comes out of the showerhead any faster?

Reading along a little further, and, yes, he does do all of the stuff while the food is heating up. Three seconds to check his phone messages on fast forward. Seven seconds to shower, shave, dry off, and read the paper. He must have some sort of pressure washer set up in his bathroom that blasts him full force for two seconds as he spins like a maniac and soaps up.

More like "Still frozen, frozen, frozen!"

The problem with Flash doing everything at superspeed because he's on a time crunch is that most things in the real world don't work on his super fast time scale. I already had to devise a way to explain how he showered in two or three seconds. Now I've got to imagine that Kilowog built him a special microwave that actually heats that much food in fifteen seconds? I was going to suggest maybe he got them out of the regular fridge and not the freezer but I just checked and, well, he took them out of the freezer. But now let's say Kilowog did make him a nuclear microwave that heats things up that quickly. Wally just pulled them out of the microwave at temperatures that even he can't handle while holding them. And he's going to eat them in less than 45 seconds? This fucker gonna scald his larynx which is going to swell up on him. Wally's going to lose consciousness from lack of oxygen in the middle of the interview and die. I'd say paramedics save him but he's super fast! He probably dies fast too.

On the way to the interview, Wally notices Hector Hammond shaking all of the tourists out of a bus using the power of his mind. That's too bad. Mark Waid wrote all of that unbelievable shit just for West to fail to make it to the interview!

I have no idea why Hector Hammond is shaking tourists out of a bus like a little kid emptying a piggy bank. Maybe he's just a fucking dickhead. It think there's a forehead/foreskin joke in there somewhere but I'm not willing to come up with it because I keep thinking about that microwave that cooks so much food in fifteen seconds. The time I could save! Fucking stupid 21st Century microwaves that take multiple minutes!

Wasn't "Girlfriend Having a Poodle" a Smiths' song?

Hector Hammond wants the bus for transportation. To Africa? Can't he just float over in his floaty little chair? Maybe he just wants it for the radio.

Turns out Hector just wanted to dump people into the streets from an unsafe height to attract the attention of Flash. He needs Flash to piggyback him to Africa.

Now who's having a poodle?

Hammond forces Flash to carry him all the way to Africa to meet up with Grodd and his gorilla fighters. Wally only has a tiny mind so he has trouble fighting off Hector's control. Plus there's the issue of being in the middle of the Atlantic without a map. But once in Africa, Wally speeds up as fast as he can until Hector Hammond, freaking the fuck out because he's the least physical person on the planet being run at tremendous speeds, orders Flash to stop. This causes Hector to slingshot across the sky and deep into the forest while yelling, "You tricked me!" What a fucking embarrassment. If I were Hector, I'd retire from supervillaining after that. Wally West got the better of you in the brain category? Get the fuck out of here. Your reputation is fucking nuked, man.

Once free of Hector Hammond, Flash sees a familiar green light and runs over to stumble upon Green Lantern to end this issue the same way as Green Lantern #30 ended.

Flash #69 Rating: Nice. You didn't think I'd end this review with a stupid reference to the issue number, did you? So innocent and naïve. This issue was fine, I guess. I have two main problems with Flash comics which probably always kept me from reading Flash: the stupid puns and his wildly out-of-control power level that's never really utilized correctly. I wonder if the DC Universe Who's Who has an entry for "Wally West's House" that explains how all of his technology has been amped up to allow him to use it all faster?

Green Lantern #30 (Early October 1992)

No idea how I wound up with a newstand edition of this issue.

I bet the direct market edition of this comic book kept Gorilla Grodd's penis on the cover. In this one, all you get is the monkey between his legs wanking him off.

Is "Gorilla Warfare" the most overused comic book title? It's got to be a toss-up between that and "Present Tense."

I can't wait to find out how a telepathic monkey managed to defeat a man with the universe's most powerful weapon and a hero so fast that he should never, ever have an issue defeating any villain ever. How do you fuck up being faster than everything? Oh wait! I know! I bet The Flash gets bested by that whole "nothing is faster than the speed of thought" garbage!

According to my Blogspot Labeler, this is the first comic book I've read in the last 13 years that Mark Waid had anything to do with. How is that possible?

The first thing to note as this story gets started is that Hal Jordan has recently taken over as the leader of Justice League Europe. Does that mean he's already fucked Crimson Fox and Sue Dibny? And also the other Crimson Fox, probably. Wally never had sex with any of them because he's a gigantic sex pest who tried so hard to get into Power Girl's onesie that Catherine Cobert had to invent Human Resources. If Human Resources existed long before the early '90s, just remember that I was talking about the DC Universe timeline, you nerd.

See?! I hadn't even read that panel when I wrote the last paragraph!

Oh, never mind. I just assumed Catherine was yelling at Wally. Easy mistake to make.

Crimson Fox sniffs out Hal Jordan immediately and begins sending the least subtle signals that she wants to fuck him. Wally West gets jealous that none of the women in the League ever hit on him. I guess he's forgotten that he has red hair.

I kid! I kid! Don't get annoyed at me, my friendly neighborhood tomato goblins! The main reason nobody flirts with Wally is because he's a gross asshole.

Meanwhile, in Gorilla City:

Wait. I didn't know Gorilla City was in France!

I kid again! Of course I knew it was in France! Isn't Monsieur Mallah from there?!

Do I have to keep telling the readers when I'm joking? Or should I just let them all believe I'm an ignorant piece of shit? Like that Anonymous guy who used to chastise me for praising any comic book with Lobo in it. He thought I was a major dipshit! But then I thought he was pretty fucking dumb myself! Who brings a logical debate into this fucking funhouse mirror of comic book review sites?! Anybody who tries to have a logical debate with me has already fucking lost. There's no logic to be found here, Ms. Frizzle.

"Oh, oui oui! Le petit ignorants from other countries cannot hold la bougie to our intelligence incroyable!"

These apes drinking espresso, smoking cigarettes, and discussing philosophy are all admirers of Grodd who currently languishes in a Gorilla City prison. Probably because, like Ozzy Osbourne, he was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young. But not for long! Grodd receives another chess move in the mail from Hector Hammond. But it's not really chess moves he's been sending; it's a secret code! And the message Grodd receives this day is the one he's been waiting for. He telepathically lets his followers know its Les Mis time! Except with, you know, a successful revolution, he hopes.

And playing the part of Elvis: Hal Jordan! (Not pictured)

Solovar, King Ape of Gorilla City (in France), radios The Flash for help because The Flash has helped him in the past. No other humans ever helped him. They just went, "Ew. Gross. A talking ape." Solovar doesn't realize that Barry Allen was vaporized in Crisis on Infinite Earths. But luckily, the radio that Barry used to communicate with Solovar has been stored in The Flash Museum in Central City (unless it's Keystone City) and maintained in working condition and plugged in this entire time. The curator of the museum hears the message and decides that maybe the new Flash should hear it.

The Flash is too busy to answer his phone because he's saving kids or something in Flash #69 (which we'll get to in a day or two). So the message, which seems to be super important since it came from a gross talking scientist ape, gets bounced around until it finally arrives at Justice League Europe headquarters where Sue Dibny is all, "Fuck! We just moved in! Can't I get a moment's peace and quiet to jerk off to the memory of Captain Atom before all hell breaks loose?!" Ralph begins to cry silently upon hearing his wife say that because of course his head and eight feet of his neck were eavesdropping behind her like some Lovecraftian giraffe.

Hal Jordan also eavesdrops on Sue and the message and realizes that the radio call could have been about Barry's nemesis, Grodd. So he rushes off to check it out as tribute to his old, dead friend.

Grodd's plan and his supposed evolved ape army's ape reaction.

Grodd had better hope that 3rd meteorite still has some evolution juice because his soldiers still got too much ape stink on them.

Green Lantern investigates the ape call to Barry Allen and winds up being taken by a government agent to an bunker underneath the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. It's the office of the Bureau of Amplified Animals where, as the agent says, "beasts who've been given unnaturally high intellects — either through sports of nature or scientific experiments — have been gathered to help mankind." Gathered to help? Or forced? If these animals actually had any intelligence, the last thing they would be doing would be helping mankind! But maybe they're working for animals from the inside. The guy running this organization? A chimp named Detective Bobo. Later people would often refer to him as Detective Chimp which seems disrespectful until you realize his full name is Bobo T. Chimpanzee (the "T" presumably stands for "The"). He refuses to speak in this story, possibly choosing to hide that ability from the humans he doesn't quite trust. Instead he speaks telepathically.

Detective Bobo wants Green Lantern to find Gorilla City and stop whatever nonsense Grodd is up to. But Hal won't be going on the mission alone. He'll have a partner familiar with Gorilla City.

Does Rex look kind of sexy to anybody else? Is it just me?

Green Lantern, Rex, and some military officer who amplifies Rex's telepathic ability fly to Africa to find Gorilla City. They land in the jungle and not surprisingly find evidence of large apes in the area. What is surprising is that the apes seem to have blasted a bunch of shit with laser guns. Hal's finally buying into the weirdness of this mission when The Flash comes running out of the jungle. How'd he get here?! We'll find out in Flash #69!

Green Lantern #30 Rating: B+. Detective Chimp and Rex the Wonder Dog make an appearance so how can this issue be bad? Not much really happens though which is my excuse for not giving it an A although the real reason that it didn't get an A is that my ratings don't actually mean anything. They're a gut feeling that I vomit out when I'm done to make these seem like legitimate reviews instead of me rambling and making vulgar remarks about superheroes. The theme to this issue seems to be something about how even with intelligence, humans can still be fucking animals. Not literally fucking animals. I mean, Hal might fuck a fox later but that's not exactly the same thing. As part of that theme, the reader is asked to contemplate how various animals act when given intelligence by comparing Grodd to Bobo and Rex to Wally. Or maybe it's just a fun throwback to Golden and Silver age silliness. Sometimes a talking gorilla is simply a talking gorilla.