Green Lantern #31 (Late October 1992)

When I first glanced at this cover, I thought Hal's dick was falling off.

I'm not as smart as Hector Hammond so I probably shouldn't question why he and Grodd have decided to use the powers of the 3rd meteorite to evolve their greatest enemies. But then I think about things other than taking vengeance against those who have humiliated me (mostly because then I'd just be punching myself in the face). If I were Hector with that gigantic brain that looks like a scrotum wearing a bad toupee, I'd think along these lines: "If my evolution was to become a much smarter man at the expense of my physique, wouldn't another jump in evolution give me a hard-ass fit body to go along with my know-it-all mind? At some point, with the human body getting weaker and weaker, some human babies are going to get stronger and stronger while also retaining their increased intelligence. Then those babies will kick the asses of the other babies in pre-college and wind up on top of the sex chain. Or maybe another jump in evolution as big as that between modern humans and Hector Hammond would just result in a really smart mind trapped in a useless body but with a massive fucking cock."

Apparently I think evolution will simply result in millions of Steven C. Stewarts, the star and writer of Crispin-Glover-produced-and-directed It is Fine! Everything is Fine.

It's also possible this cover is a big lying tease because readers don't seem to mind being gaslit by massive fucking media companies.

Why does this opening scene make me think of Twitter and Elon Musk stans?

Oh man! Now I'm beginning to doubt that Gorilla Grodd is as smart as people always say he is. He's probably just a big dorky ape that things defending free speech means promoting idiotic conspiracies you believe in while censoring anything that makes you look like a stupid liar! And a bunch of incelorillas were all, "Grodd is a genius! Did you see the way he invented beating The Flash?! Nobody would have any free speech if he didn't spend 44 billion Gorilla City bucks to buy that jail cell condominium mansion!"

When I call somebody an incel, I'm not trying to insult them for being involuntarily celibate. Mostly because most incels are voluntarily celibate. They choose to be as unattractive as possible and thus fulfill, to themselves, the prophecy of never getting any pussy. How the fuck do you think you're going to impress a woman enough that she wants to come on your face by sitting behind a computer or phone screen 24/7 getting angrier and angrier that you aren't getting laid?! But hell! Even being online 24/7 doesn't mean you can't get laid! I've got a friend who got married and had two kids with a woman he met on World of Warcraft. And if you ever saw the way his thoughts translate to typed speech due to some flaw in his mental processing, you'd be all, "How the fuck did that guy woo a woman?!" But he did! Probably because he always let her have the best treasure drops on raids.

Green Lantern and Flash subdue Grodd's incelorillas in less time than it takes Wally West's microwave to cook four pizzas and six burritos. So, you know, like ten seconds. But Flash forgot to warn Green Lantern about the immobile man in the floating La-Z-Boy.

I might sound ableist saying this but, geez, most embarrassing moment of Hal's career.

Hector Hammond would be insulted if I called myself ableist when insulting him. We're the ones who are disabled in his eyes! And I practically get that. I'd say I hate living in a flesh prison about 85% of the time. The other 15% of the time I'm jerking off.

Flash doesn't last much longer than Hal because he has to slow down to deliver a speech to Hector which gives Grodd a moment to blast him in the butthole.

Holy shit! Talk about ableist! Stupid fucking monkey!

Right now you might be thinking, "Tess? Do you think the butthole is right over the kidney?" But you're not thinking in Speed Force! We can't really see exactly where a beam traveling at the speed of light hits a man while he's accelerating to the speed of light after having stood still for three seconds to deliver his lines to Hector. I will never back down from the idea that Flash stops whenever he has a speech bubble! Flash comics try to get me to believe in a thousand irrational ideas every issue and I'll allow myself to make excuses for those things, like Wally showering in three seconds because he's installed a pressure washer in his shower. But I'll never believe that Wally doesn't want people to hear his incredibly funny retorts by speaking them super fast and at such a high speed that human ears could never pick them up.

If you think Grodd is a miserable, judgmental asshole, don't sleep on Hector's ability to be one too.

Oh, so big brutish stinking apes can't be poetic? Fuck off, spindle-boy!

Grodd doesn't finish his statement about how apes are ethnically superior to humans because a dog jumps on him and he screams like a little bitch.

You're an 800 pound gorilla with a gun. It's a fucking border collie. Calm the fuck down.

I thought maybe Grodd had a phobia of dogs but he's just as susceptible to being startled by a dog jumping out of the bushes and tearing at his throat as anybody. He does calm down, dealing with Rex in the very next panel where he punches a dog in the face. This Grodd really is trouble, isn't he?!

Grodd calls Rex a "son of a --" and Rex replies with, "Yeah, so what?" But then they don't fight because Hector realizes a gorilla tearing a dog to pieces is terrible optics, even for an evil villain. At least in 1992! Nowadays, an evil villain has to tear multiple dogs in half and then have sex with both halves of each torn apart dog for audiences to realize he's the bad guy. Or the flawed hero, if you're reading a Mark Millar comic book.

I hope that Mark Millar joke doesn't make him upset!

Oh wait. He'll never see it! Whew!

Man. You make one little joke about how Mark Millar's writing suffers when there's no on-panel decapitations and he erases you out of his existence! That's okay though. Because it was worth it!

Hammond telepathically flies Grodd and himself to the third meteorite before Green Lantern and Flash can recover from being shot by a laser and be run into by a lame guy in a stupid chair. Why didn't Hammond just fly himself across the ocean? Surely his brain power could have managed it without also alerting Grodd's nemesis to their plans? I suppose Hector needed to get to Africa fast so that Grodd didn't suck up all the Evolution Juice for himself.

Judging by the way these two interact, I don't think Hal and Wally will even be necessary to stop them.

Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I can smash your head like a juicy gourd!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can give you an unending case of erectile dysfunction!"
Grodd: "Fortunately for you, I just fucked the back of your chair with my huge gorilla dong!"
Hammond: "Fortunately for you, I can force you to fuck furnit...wait a second!"
Both: "Telepathy!"
*Both laugh until Rex the Wonder Dog traps them in a well*

How many babies do you think would fit in an adult-sized gorilla suit? Just asking out of curiosity and has nothing to do with Halloween coming up.

Hammond and Grodd might be super smart but each of them speaks to the other in the most patronizing way, telegraphing their intent to betray the other. Is it their narcissism that blinds them to the other's treachery? Or are they really no smarter than a Democrat constantly moving to the center to garner the votes of people who have been brainwashed into thinking liberals eat children? I guarantee Harris gains more votes by going on 60 Minutes and proclaiming that all cops are fucking bastards and they're starting a federal funding program so every city can have their own Wicker Man.

Grodd and Hammond find the meteor surrounded by animals that have evolved thousands of years into their futures.

Obviously elephants would survive better if they were just more gay.

As Green Lantern flies everybody in a bubble on the trail of the psychic duo, he's hit with a mental blast from Hector Hammond's massive dome and falls unconscious, sending everybody plummeting to the ground. After Hal wakes up, Rex informs him about how they all survived.

So the explanation is that Flash hit the ground even faster than terminal velocity?

Barry would have just done the windmill thing with his arms, one pointed down and the other pointed up, to slow all of their descents. But that's why he was the better Flash! Also, less of a sex pest.

A lot of people will argue with me about my declaration that Barry was the better Flash. But I'm not here to argue that since I don't care for either Flash. I just mean Barry was obviously more competent. Except when it came to being a thorn in the side of JLE's HR Department.

Flash, Rex, and Green Lantern continue their search for Hector and Grodd, leaving the military man behind because he broke his ankle in the fall. I don't ever remember anybody breaking an ankle when Barry was saving them.

Deep in the jungle, the heroes run into psychic flowers that mesmerize Wally and Rex. Hal's ring keeps him safe but that means he's got to defend himself against Hector and Grodd combined! Grodd worries that even they're not smart enough to defeat Green Lantern and suggests that Hammond suck up some Evolution Juice from the meteor. Hammond quickly agrees because he's actually an idiot. Why would Grodd allow Hector to use the meteorite unless he knew there was something tainted in its juice! And just like that, it backfires on Hammond and he devolves into a stupid ape while Grodd evolves into a dickless ape with a massive forehead.

I think Grodd really just wanted the comfy chair.

Not to be purposefully contrarian but I'd rather be stupid with a fit body. I suppose if I wanted to be stupid with a fit body, I could make that happen as easily as Grodd made this happen. I mean, not super as easily in that there isn't a magic meteor to make me fit and dumb. But I could work out and huff a ton of paint if I really fucking wanted to be dumb and fit. The problem is that right now I'm average intelligence, unfit, and really fucking lazy.

In the fallout of the meteorite exploding, Green Lantern turns into a Neanderthal and Flash turns into Hector Hammond. With a head growing that big, that fast, even after returning to normal, Wally's going to have some killer stretch marks all over his cabeza.

Green Lantern #31 Rating: A. I won't say this comic book felt modern since it's 30 years old but it definitely had the modernity of 1992 about it while telling an old Silver Age story. Plus it starred Rex the Wonder Dog with another cameo by Inspector Boobs. I mean Bobo. The only problem I have with it, and it's not a problem isolated to this comic book, is the vague motivation of Grodd and Hammond. They both just sort of want to rule the world. But why? And how would that look when they do it? I think they're just too stupid to realize they want to live a fulfilled life on their own terms without anybody making fun of their useless limbs and/or bare monkey butthole. They think the world won't let them be themselves so they figure they must rule the world to force everybody into allowing them to live the life they want. It's a massive mistake for so many reasons that I'm too lazy to think of all of them. But one of those reasons has to be the responsibility. If you rule the world, you're fucking responsible, man! Sure, you could just force everybody to bring all the resources to you and then you can live a lavish lifestyle while the rest of the world burns. But then you've got to constantly worry about being attacked by unruly mobs or jerks like Green Lantern and Flash and their little dog too. Hopefully Grodd is defeated next issue just by sitting in the comfy chair. He'll be all, "This is nice. All I need is a nice chair like this, a porch with a cool breeze, and some iced tea with watermelon. Fuck, that sounds like a dream!" And then Grodd would basically be my grandmother and he'd live his best fucking life because I'll be Goddamned if anybody lived a better life than my grandmother in retirement (and I guess me in my early youth because I was right there spitting seeds on the bench beside her any chance I got)! She had a great porch too!

Eww. I just heard it. "She's got a great porch too!" That's not any kind of euphemism, dammit! You get those filthy thoughts of my late grandmother out of your filthy head!

Flash #69 (October 1992)

Are these the same two kids Green Lantern saved from drowning in Green Lantern #27?

Don't answer that! I know they're not! I probably shouldn't have even suggested that I thought that. I should have written something like, "Hector Hammond has more forehead than eighteen balding Harvard alumni!" Except funnier and more cutting and probably mentioning four or five penises. Some nights, I'm just not on my game. But I still need to read these fucking comic books or else how am I going to get through the other twenty short boxes cluttering up my bedroom?! You think I want to read one old comic book every day?! You think I don't realize how little respect I get from the people in my life watching me waste my precious time on this shit?! I should be out in the world making new experiences! Instead, I'm reliving old comic books that I don't even remember from the first time I read them and won't remember at all, again, in three months.

When I first picked up this comic book and saw Mark Waid's name on the cover, I thought, "Oh boy! I'm in for an intelligent experience! This guy made quite a name for himself for some reason! Maybe Mark will make it worth it that I'm not re-reading something I truly want to re-read, like Barth's The Last Voyage of Somebody the Sailor. Or something I've never read like Barth's The Sot-Weed Factor! At least I won't be embarrassed reading this in public because I'll be able to point out any page I'm reading to somebody looking on aghast at an aging man reading a comic book and say, 'See how philosophical this is? See how this writer really respects women and also the reader? See how smart I am to read this!'"

Goddammit! I just showed this to a woman sitting next to me and she slapped me!

Well, fuck you, Mark Waid! I'm assuming your script read, "Page One. Splash page. Focal point: Power Girl's huge tits. Minor focal point: hint of camel toe." At least when the woman was storming out of the café, I had the wherewithal to yell, "But I've read Gravity's Rainbow!" That way she knows she missed out on a real smart cookie! Hmm. Maybe I should have yelled, "I read Gravity's Rainbow and understood at least 3/5ths of it!" I bet she would have dragged me out of there by the dick after that revelation!

I'm hesitant to flip to page two because, man, Power Girl's tits look fucking awesome!

Power Girl who?

Mark Waid's script: "Page Three. Crimson Fox approaches Hal Jordan, tits first. She looks so good that readers should be able to imagine they smell her freshly washed butthole in the same way real estate agents want the smell of baking permeating houses they're trying to sell. Maybe not all readers will imagine that specifically. But some fucking pervert will, I'm sure. Make it clear she looks like she's telling Jordan he's free to explore her every crevice. Especially the butt crevice. You have to draw all of this because if I write any of it out, people will never respect me as a writer."

Do you think people will respect me as a writer for writing all of that out? I only did it because I was pretending to be Mark Waid! He's the fucking pervert!

See? Ralph smells it. His nose isn't twitching because it ain't no mystery where that fresh breeze is coming from.

Sue also smells it and seems particularly intrigued. Crimson Fox's super power is pheromones, by the way. I just wanted to point that out to anybody reading this and thinking, "Why the fuck would anybody even think Crimson Fox's butt smell tantalizes everybody?" Even those that remembered Crimson Fox has pheromone powers, they probably finished up that thought with "It should be her V-hole, no?" Maybe for some of you dorks. But for real men like me, Elongated Man, and Mark Waid, we know where the real attraction pheromones come from!

The Flash doesn't get to see how things turn out between Hal and Crimson Fox (I'd use her first name but I can't remember if she's currently Vivian or Constance) because he has to go inside to pick up the phone and get screamed at by Linda. I think Linda is the woman he eventually marries. But don't hold me to that. What the fuck do I know about Wally West? I have exactly two of his comics from the '80s and '90s!

Wally teleports back to the States because he's too slow to run across the Atlantic Ocean in two minutes. Barry could have done that! Sure, sure. He also would have caused fifteen different Crises while doing it. Wally uses one of those two minutes to build the teleporter (which is linked to one in the basement of his new home). He then has one minute left to microwave some pizzas and burritos in 15 seconds (I guess he likes them mostly frozen), check his messages, eat the frozen pizza and burritos, take a shower, shave, dry off, read the paper, and run across town to the studio where Linda is going to interview him on live television. I'd say he showers in the fifteen seconds it takes to heat up his food but how exactly does Flash shower faster than a normal person?! It's not like the water comes out of the showerhead any faster?

Reading along a little further, and, yes, he does do all of the stuff while the food is heating up. Three seconds to check his phone messages on fast forward. Seven seconds to shower, shave, dry off, and read the paper. He must have some sort of pressure washer set up in his bathroom that blasts him full force for two seconds as he spins like a maniac and soaps up.

More like "Still frozen, frozen, frozen!"

The problem with Flash doing everything at superspeed because he's on a time crunch is that most things in the real world don't work on his super fast time scale. I already had to devise a way to explain how he showered in two or three seconds. Now I've got to imagine that Kilowog built him a special microwave that actually heats that much food in fifteen seconds? I was going to suggest maybe he got them out of the regular fridge and not the freezer but I just checked and, well, he took them out of the freezer. But now let's say Kilowog did make him a nuclear microwave that heats things up that quickly. Wally just pulled them out of the microwave at temperatures that even he can't handle while holding them. And he's going to eat them in less than 45 seconds? This fucker gonna scald his larynx which is going to swell up on him. Wally's going to lose consciousness from lack of oxygen in the middle of the interview and die. I'd say paramedics save him but he's super fast! He probably dies fast too.

On the way to the interview, Wally notices Hector Hammond shaking all of the tourists out of a bus using the power of his mind. That's too bad. Mark Waid wrote all of that unbelievable shit just for West to fail to make it to the interview!

I have no idea why Hector Hammond is shaking tourists out of a bus like a little kid emptying a piggy bank. Maybe he's just a fucking dickhead. It think there's a forehead/foreskin joke in there somewhere but I'm not willing to come up with it because I keep thinking about that microwave that cooks so much food in fifteen seconds. The time I could save! Fucking stupid 21st Century microwaves that take multiple minutes!

Wasn't "Girlfriend Having a Poodle" a Smiths' song?

Hector Hammond wants the bus for transportation. To Africa? Can't he just float over in his floaty little chair? Maybe he just wants it for the radio.

Turns out Hector just wanted to dump people into the streets from an unsafe height to attract the attention of Flash. He needs Flash to piggyback him to Africa.

Now who's having a poodle?

Hammond forces Flash to carry him all the way to Africa to meet up with Grodd and his gorilla fighters. Wally only has a tiny mind so he has trouble fighting off Hector's control. Plus there's the issue of being in the middle of the Atlantic without a map. But once in Africa, Wally speeds up as fast as he can until Hector Hammond, freaking the fuck out because he's the least physical person on the planet being run at tremendous speeds, orders Flash to stop. This causes Hector to slingshot across the sky and deep into the forest while yelling, "You tricked me!" What a fucking embarrassment. If I were Hector, I'd retire from supervillaining after that. Wally West got the better of you in the brain category? Get the fuck out of here. Your reputation is fucking nuked, man.

Once free of Hector Hammond, Flash sees a familiar green light and runs over to stumble upon Green Lantern to end this issue the same way as Green Lantern #30 ended.

Flash #69 Rating: Nice. You didn't think I'd end this review with a stupid reference to the issue number, did you? So innocent and naïve. This issue was fine, I guess. I have two main problems with Flash comics which probably always kept me from reading Flash: the stupid puns and his wildly out-of-control power level that's never really utilized correctly. I wonder if the DC Universe Who's Who has an entry for "Wally West's House" that explains how all of his technology has been amped up to allow him to use it all faster?

Green Lantern #30 (Early October 1992)

No idea how I wound up with a newstand edition of this issue.

I bet the direct market edition of this comic book kept Gorilla Grodd's penis on the cover. In this one, all you get is the monkey between his legs wanking him off.

Is "Gorilla Warfare" the most overused comic book title? It's got to be a toss-up between that and "Present Tense."

I can't wait to find out how a telepathic monkey managed to defeat a man with the universe's most powerful weapon and a hero so fast that he should never, ever have an issue defeating any villain ever. How do you fuck up being faster than everything? Oh wait! I know! I bet The Flash gets bested by that whole "nothing is faster than the speed of thought" garbage!

According to my Blogspot Labeler, this is the first comic book I've read in the last 13 years that Mark Waid had anything to do with. How is that possible?

The first thing to note as this story gets started is that Hal Jordan has recently taken over as the leader of Justice League Europe. Does that mean he's already fucked Crimson Fox and Sue Dibny? And also the other Crimson Fox, probably. Wally never had sex with any of them because he's a gigantic sex pest who tried so hard to get into Power Girl's onesie that Catherine Cobert had to invent Human Resources. If Human Resources existed long before the early '90s, just remember that I was talking about the DC Universe timeline, you nerd.

See?! I hadn't even read that panel when I wrote the last paragraph!

Oh, never mind. I just assumed Catherine was yelling at Wally. Easy mistake to make.

Crimson Fox sniffs out Hal Jordan immediately and begins sending the least subtle signals that she wants to fuck him. Wally West gets jealous that none of the women in the League ever hit on him. I guess he's forgotten that he has red hair.

I kid! I kid! Don't get annoyed at me, my friendly neighborhood tomato goblins! The main reason nobody flirts with Wally is because he's a gross asshole.

Meanwhile, in Gorilla City:

Wait. I didn't know Gorilla City was in France!

I kid again! Of course I knew it was in France! Isn't Monsieur Mallah from there?!

Do I have to keep telling the readers when I'm joking? Or should I just let them all believe I'm an ignorant piece of shit? Like that Anonymous guy who used to chastise me for praising any comic book with Lobo in it. He thought I was a major dipshit! But then I thought he was pretty fucking dumb myself! Who brings a logical debate into this fucking funhouse mirror of comic book review sites?! Anybody who tries to have a logical debate with me has already fucking lost. There's no logic to be found here, Ms. Frizzle.

"Oh, oui oui! Le petit ignorants from other countries cannot hold la bougie to our intelligence incroyable!"

These apes drinking espresso, smoking cigarettes, and discussing philosophy are all admirers of Grodd who currently languishes in a Gorilla City prison. Probably because, like Ozzy Osbourne, he was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young. But not for long! Grodd receives another chess move in the mail from Hector Hammond. But it's not really chess moves he's been sending; it's a secret code! And the message Grodd receives this day is the one he's been waiting for. He telepathically lets his followers know its Les Mis time! Except with, you know, a successful revolution, he hopes.

And playing the part of Elvis: Hal Jordan! (Not pictured)

Solovar, King Ape of Gorilla City (in France), radios The Flash for help because The Flash has helped him in the past. No other humans ever helped him. They just went, "Ew. Gross. A talking ape." Solovar doesn't realize that Barry Allen was vaporized in Crisis on Infinite Earths. But luckily, the radio that Barry used to communicate with Solovar has been stored in The Flash Museum in Central City (unless it's Keystone City) and maintained in working condition and plugged in this entire time. The curator of the museum hears the message and decides that maybe the new Flash should hear it.

The Flash is too busy to answer his phone because he's saving kids or something in Flash #69 (which we'll get to in a day or two). So the message, which seems to be super important since it came from a gross talking scientist ape, gets bounced around until it finally arrives at Justice League Europe headquarters where Sue Dibny is all, "Fuck! We just moved in! Can't I get a moment's peace and quiet to jerk off to the memory of Captain Atom before all hell breaks loose?!" Ralph begins to cry silently upon hearing his wife say that because of course his head and eight feet of his neck were eavesdropping behind her like some Lovecraftian giraffe.

Hal Jordan also eavesdrops on Sue and the message and realizes that the radio call could have been about Barry's nemesis, Grodd. So he rushes off to check it out as tribute to his old, dead friend.

Grodd's plan and his supposed evolved ape army's ape reaction.

Grodd had better hope that 3rd meteorite still has some evolution juice because his soldiers still got too much ape stink on them.

Green Lantern investigates the ape call to Barry Allen and winds up being taken by a government agent to an bunker underneath the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. It's the office of the Bureau of Amplified Animals where, as the agent says, "beasts who've been given unnaturally high intellects — either through sports of nature or scientific experiments — have been gathered to help mankind." Gathered to help? Or forced? If these animals actually had any intelligence, the last thing they would be doing would be helping mankind! But maybe they're working for animals from the inside. The guy running this organization? A chimp named Detective Bobo. Later people would often refer to him as Detective Chimp which seems disrespectful until you realize his full name is Bobo T. Chimpanzee (the "T" presumably stands for "The"). He refuses to speak in this story, possibly choosing to hide that ability from the humans he doesn't quite trust. Instead he speaks telepathically.

Detective Bobo wants Green Lantern to find Gorilla City and stop whatever nonsense Grodd is up to. But Hal won't be going on the mission alone. He'll have a partner familiar with Gorilla City.

Does Rex look kind of sexy to anybody else? Is it just me?

Green Lantern, Rex, and some military officer who amplifies Rex's telepathic ability fly to Africa to find Gorilla City. They land in the jungle and not surprisingly find evidence of large apes in the area. What is surprising is that the apes seem to have blasted a bunch of shit with laser guns. Hal's finally buying into the weirdness of this mission when The Flash comes running out of the jungle. How'd he get here?! We'll find out in Flash #69!

Green Lantern #30 Rating: B+. Detective Chimp and Rex the Wonder Dog make an appearance so how can this issue be bad? Not much really happens though which is my excuse for not giving it an A although the real reason that it didn't get an A is that my ratings don't actually mean anything. They're a gut feeling that I vomit out when I'm done to make these seem like legitimate reviews instead of me rambling and making vulgar remarks about superheroes. The theme to this issue seems to be something about how even with intelligence, humans can still be fucking animals. Not literally fucking animals. I mean, Hal might fuck a fox later but that's not exactly the same thing. As part of that theme, the reader is asked to contemplate how various animals act when given intelligence by comparing Grodd to Bobo and Rex to Wally. Or maybe it's just a fun throwback to Golden and Silver age silliness. Sometimes a talking gorilla is simply a talking gorilla.

Green Lantern #29 (Late September 1992)

It's not often you can see a character's cock through their leotards.

Olivia Reynolds is one of Hal Jordan's exes. I know this because when he was trying to fuck Carol Ferris, he was all, "I once fucked a toymaker. Does that get you hot?" That's probably why Hal has a chubby. When he turns into Green Lantern, his Corps uniform just covers up whatever he's normally wearing. Then when he drops the Green Lantern persona, he just returns to what he was wearing. Olivia was probably warming his cock just before the toys attacked.

This issue begins with Olivia Reynolds at a toy convention to show off your next huge toy idea: talking Green Lantern action figures.

This guy should sue DC for making his Hawk figures worthless because Monarch was supposed to be Captain Atom!

I'm just kidding! The case would get thrown out of court! The judge would be all, "Okay, if Hawk hadn't turned out to be Monarch, how many of these figures did you think you were going to sell without Dove?! Who would kids have Hawk fuck?!" Also, why is the guy suddenly despairing at this toy convention? Did the reveal that Monarch was Hawk take place the very weekend that this story takes place?!

Some greasy guy at the con says the kids are going nuts for Green Lantern now that Hal Jordan is back on Earth. Apparently everybody bet on The Ray and Black Condor and, I don't know, The Jaguar and The Fly? They didn't realize Green Lantern was going to be the hot toy on the market so nobody made any figures. I mean except for Olivia but nobody knows that until this next panel.

Do the people of Earth know about the Guardians of the Universe?

Sure, Rose and the other hicks of Hope Springs know about the Guardians. And I suppose Olivia could know about them since she used to mount Hal's face on the regular and I'm sure he told her all about them. After she got off his face, of course. But wouldn't the greasy toy salesman just ask, "Who's the fucking smurf with the gigantic head?"

The Sinestro prototype screams about bringing order to the universe. The Hal prototype screams about sending Sinestro back to the anti-matter universe. The Guy Gardner prototype curses and says, "Bwa ha ha!" I don't know what G'nort says because the gross as hell toy salesman refuses to listen to it.

What parents are going to complain? "Where's the Green Lantern that got billions and billions of aliens killed due to his hubris?"

Since last issue, Hal Jordan has appeared in a story in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #2 where he dropped Evil Star off in some kind of star power detox program. And he appeared in Mosaic #5 to brawl John for the hand of Rose. I guess he lost that one because now he thinks Arisia might be his last chance to get laid. Luckily he doesn't know where she is because she's like fourteen. I guess that's why he's going to get involved with Olivia Reynolds this issue. This guy is super fucking horny.

Hal learns from Sue Dibny that Olivia Reynolds is looking for him and that she said, "Time is of the essence." So Hal pops that particular kind of boner one pops when they hear from an ex with whom they had great sexual chemistry. Man, that's always a really good boner. It's like one of those videos where somebody raised a lion in Africa and they go back to Africa 20 years later and the lion races across the savannah to hug and lick them. The lion is the boner in that analogy.

Now that Hal's heard from Olivia, time is of the essence before his balls turn blue and explode.

Some aliens are headed to Earth to beat the shit out of Green Lantern. I guess they've got an old grudge against him. They just seem like generic aliens though so they probably aren't much of a threat. Especially since Hal Jordan has a big crossover with Flash beginning next issue where they battle Grodd. That means these aliens only have about two-thirds of this issue to cause trouble.

Apparently Hal isn't rushing off to rekindle a relationship with Olivia Reynolds. He thinks as he flies to New York to meet her, "I'm assuming something's happening with her 'U-mind.' That odd force in her unconscious that sustains the lives of the Lenglyns." Umm, whut? The editor has a note to "See Flash #191. Way back in 1969." Okay, but how the fuck am I supposed to see Flash #191 if it was from 1969? I wasn't even born yet! At least explain it a little more rather than expect a reader in 1992 to have access to this story from 1969. Especially when the story is full of fucking weird-ass gobbledygook that doesn't make any fucking sense. According to Hal, even Olivia doesn't know about the "U-mind" or the "Lenglyns." I guess it's possible this is some kind of Babadook situation where the Lenglyns are actually her grief from the terrible break-up I'm sure Hal put her through.

Olivia doesn't know Hal Jordan was Green Lantern. She worked with Hal selling toys and only encountered Green Lantern when the Lenglyns were giving her seizures. I'm guessing that was post Hal Jordan breaking up with her and ruining her life. She just wants Green Lantern to give her and her new partner Mr. Greasy Voorhees exclusive rights to make Green Lantern Corps figures.

Why even ask then? Just make some fucking knock-offs. It's not like she's attempting to ask Guy Gardner, Sinestro, or G'nort.

Green Lantern refuses to help Olivia even if she goes ahead with the toy line. He's honorable or something. But then he hears what the figure says and he's all, "That doesn't sound manly at all! What women will want to fuck me when they hear that bullshit coming out of my face?!" And Olivia is all, "Well, you could record some sexy lines for us if you played ball." But then those aliens flew down over the city demanding that Green Lantern come out to face them. Dammit. Olivia's fucking hot. I was hoping they'd close the deal with a little wah-wah, woo-woo, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, I don't blame you. Don't despair, though! You'll get some wah-wah, woo-woo some time!

I wish a woman would look at my crotch the way Olivia looks at her Green Lantern figure and say, "What a market."

The aliens seem to want to speak with Green Lantern, not fight him. That makes sense because they arrive with only about six pages to spare. They're just checking to make sure the local space cop isn't a huge alien racist who will refuse to help them when they need help. Green Lantern assures them that once he's set up on Earth, he'll visit the other planets in Sector 2814. Or maybe he'll send the dog around. G'nort still works here too, right?

Hal winds up leaving Olivia with some fucked up dolls that have been corrupted by his ring. Now they only say whatever he wants them to say which could be a liability to the toy company, especially when they make the Arisia doll. Better to just dump the Green Lantern line and maybe mock up some prototypes of Deathstroke and Terra.

Green Lantern #29 Rating: B. This issue was about how Hal Jordan objectifies all the women in his life. This is mirrored in the way Olivia makes objectifies him and makes toys out of him. With Evil Star, we saw how power without control can ruin a person's life. Here, we see that objectifying the people you're attracted to is bad for business and never gets you what you want. Hal has mostly objectified Carol, seen by his repeated anger when she won't let him remove her underwear. But also in how he won't let her help him the way a person would let another person who is a friend help them. He doesn't see Carol as a partner or an equal or a powerful individual who can help him simply because he needs help. He also sees the waitress who serves him as a possible conquest. And he just returned from Oa where he learned Rose isn't interested in him anymore which makes him consider pursuing Arisia which screams objectification in that she's underage and the power dynamic there is fucked up beyond belief. And then Olivia re-enters his life so that he can see that objectification of another person is wrong. Especially when they're going to make millions of dollars off of it! Now if only somebody could pull that trick on Hal that he pulled on Olivia and her Green Lantern dolls, maybe he'd stop thinking of all the women in his life as simply cock warmers.

Green Lantern #28 (Early September 1992)

I recognize the look of a man about to stick his dick in a magic lantern.

I almost continued that caption with "surrounded by fit toddlers" but then remembered Gerard Jones wrote this book and I creeped myself out. Sorry for the self-censorship! I promise I'll never do it again.

Last issue ended with Evil Star's Starlings stealing Hal Jordan's power battery before he could charge his ring. See? This is the kind of fucking trouble you can get into when you don't store your Power Batteries on some hick planet, giving so much meaning to their lives that you basically commit genocide when you end the contract to store all the batteries there. Also maybe they began relying on the energy of the batteries too much. I don't remember. Not that anybody in the Corps gave a shit about the "pocket dimension" their batteries were stored in. They were just glad their batteries were safe from a band of roided-out nose-miners climbing through your hotel window to steal your superhero shit.

Hal Jordan's ring runs out of energy after he fends off the Starlings and he plummets into a river. I thought he was in Los Angeles but this river is lined with dirt and not concrete with drag racing happening along it. So I guess his motel is in Coast City. Anyway, he almost gets killed by a bunny rabbit now that he's got no power.

Whew! That was a close one!

Hal Jordan is so fucked up from falling out of the sky when his power ran out that I think the bunny could have taken him. He manages to stagger in the direction that the Starlings took his power battery, having received one last trace of it from his ring before it died. He chose that over surviving a fall from fifty feet in the air. I guess it was a good choice because he survived anyway with only a lacerated liver and three punctured lungs. But being that his super power is actually willpower and not the ring, he'll probably hike all the way to Evil Star's cavern hideout before he dies.

The Starlings deliver the Power Battery to Evil Star who immediately shoves his dick into it. Moments later, Goldface walks in on him and catches him fucking it.

Some of you might be thinking, "There's no way Evil Star is actually fucking it because the cover credits didn't say 'Gail Simone' on them." But come on. You have eyes. Probably.

Does anybody know what Goldface is wearing on his head? Do you think the Who's Who describes how he accidentally spray painted one of his mother's tchotchkes while huffing Metallic Gold spray-paint, passed out, and woke up after one of his friends had Superglued it to his head? Is this even something I should be curious about when Evil Star just stuck his motherfucking dick in Hal's motherfucking lantern?

Somehow Evil Star, without a ring or any connection to the Green Lantern Corps, manages to use the lantern as a weapon on its own. Is this the first time anybody has ever done that? Or has it already been established that the Power Battery can also be used to blast villains in their spray-painted faces?

Even though Evil Star made a yellow flying shark to attack Green Lantern earlier and purposefully imprisoned him in a yellow bell jar, he's still surprised when the blast from the power battery has no effect on Goldface. Perhaps Evil Star is like 75% of my readers: too literal. He knew Green Lantern's ring didn't work against yellow but Goldface isn't yellow! He's Metallic Gold! It's right there on the label of the dozens of discarded spray-paint cans lying around the cave!

Oh, okay. That explains it. Evil Star is an idiot.

While Evil Star and Goldface battle for the power battery, Hal Jordan steals a plane. He has no choice! He can't walk all the way to Evil Star's hideout while bleeding internally. Better to take a plane, bleed out in the sky, and crash down into a Malibu apartment complex. Usually I'd complain about a hero endangering others simply to get back the power they lost. But remember: Hal isn't a hero; he's a space cop! Collateral damage means nothing to him.

Hal manages to walk away from crash landing the plane, climb the mountain, and enter the cave where Goldface's intergalactic criminal enterprise has been hiding out.

Good thing Hal found a dry cleaner on his way up the mountain to clean all the blood off of his shirt so they can't see how wounded he is.

Hal Jordan informs Goldface that he knows about Evil Star and the power battery and that he knows all about the Green Lantern Corps. Before Goldface's muddled huffer brain can piece together that this must be Hal Jordan, Evil Star and his Starlings rush in to learn how to use the battery from this obvious nobody. That gives a Hal a chance to charge his ring just enough to defeat Evil Star in just a few panels. As Evil Star and the Starlings fall unconscious, Hal collapses from his injuries and dies.

But then Hal wakes up because the ring healed him, I guess. He gathers up the hot toddlers and Evil Star and flies them off to Oa to be thrown into a Sciencell. Goldface and the other D-listers get away because they ran as soon as Hal Jordan turned into Green Lantern. Cowards.

Green Lantern #28 Rating: B-. The point of this story was to compare Hal Jordan, a man with loads of power and the will to control it, to Evil Star, a man with just as much power but not an ounce of will. The reader sees what could become of Hal Jordan if he ever lost his willpower, how dangerous he could become. Maybe even dangerous enough to murder the rest of the Green Lantern Corps? But we also learn that without willpower, real power means little. Evil Star has no control and no direction. His only motivation is more power. And what kind of life is that? But then remember how shitty Hal's life was with tons of willpower but no power ring? He was lost and unhappy and unable to fuck Carol Ferris. So maybe the point of this story is that you need both willpower and power or else you're going to be a lonely incel loser your entire life.

Green Lantern #27 (August 1992)

Why that one little fucker looking at me? Ain't gonna sleep a wink tonight.

Why does Hal Jordan look like he's enjoying being tied with seaweed by a bunch of toddlers in starfish masks? Is this kink canon? I wouldn't be grinning diabolically if this happened to me. Have you ever felt seaweed (especially the ones with big air-filled bladders) brush against you in the ocean? I'd rather a shark bite off my calf.

What this title is telling me is "Yes, the kink is canon."

Green Lantern has repeatedly mentioned that he wields the most powerful weapon in the universe and yet he somehow got tackled by a half-dozen toddler on the beach and tied up with seaweed. If I were a lawyer and had to prosecute the case of "Hal Jordan coming in his pants while wrestling with children on the beach," I'd simply point out to the jury that he could have stopped it from happening at any time. Of course his lawyer would be all, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do you know how this most powerful weapon works? It must be charged every 24 hours. And unluckily for Hal Jordan and his cum-stained underwear (which, I might add, he came in while sitting next to Carol Ferris in her underwear the night Eclipso attacked), his ring had just run out of charge between the moment he sent Carol back to the hotel in a bubble and the attack of the hot little star children in tight pants." Then I, being a terrible fucking lawyer, would be all, "Fuck! Why would he say that? How am I supposed to debate that charge?! He's fucking got me!" But then later, after Hal Jordan was found innocent and I was walking back to my car in the garage, I'd think, "Oh shit! I should have pointed out that Hal Jordan is a full grown man and those little sexy fucks were just toddlers! He could have thrown them in the surf and held them under until they drowned instead of being seduced by them and their seaweed bondage!"

Apparently, Evil Star has some kind of power that keeps Hal Jordan from acting on his own volition. But once Evil Star begins thinking about living among the stars again, and he puts a hand down the front of his pants, Hal Jordan is able to use his ring again and break free.

Holy shit! Those toddlers are fit!

I bet Gerard Jones owns the original art on this issue. Perhaps those were some of the images that got him in trouble! "Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury! My client, Gerard Jones, does not jerk off to fit toddlers. Those images were used as research for the Evil Star three-part story! Did you ever read it? It was fucking disturbing. I was like, 'Is Gerard Jones a pedo?' But, um, then I was all, 'Of course not! Um, he's totally the opposite of that! Which is being into older women with dementia!' I rest my case!" Man, Gerard Jones shouldn't have hired me as his lawyer!

Ha ha! Blasted that one in his little cock!

I'm assuming if Evil Star gave his little fellas hot bodies that can be seen through their skin-tight suits, he also gave them realistic genitalia.

I just want to point out that not only are these little fit toddlers fictional, they're not even toddlers. They're simulacrums created by Evil Star to fuel his evil deeds (which he must commit because of the star band he wears that grants him immortality and nearly limitless power (as long as it's fueled by starlight)). That means it's okay for me to make jokes about them being hot toddlers with hard pecs and rippling six packs. They're also mindless so they can't consent. So I won't joke about anybody actually fucking them because that would be wrong. I think. I mean, a watermelon can't consent and they get fucked all the time, right?

Look, I don't know what's right and what's wrong. Who can tell? Nobody, really! I mean, everybody on tumblr seems to be able to tell. But usually they're all fighting among themselves about who can tell the most. So who the fuck knows, right?! They also all loved Neil Gaiman and look where that got them!

Evil Star's power is nearly identical to a Green Lantern or Sinestro ring. But it's an armband powered by starlight so that makes it totally different. Anyway, he makes a yellow light construction of a flying shark which causes Hal Jordan to shit his pants. Because how the fuck is he going to stop something like that? A flying yellow shark is basically checkmate against a Green Lantern.

But it's not a checkmate against Hal Jordan who actually thinks of a way to stop the flying yellow shark that I stood up and applauded for.

That's bad-ass, Hal Jordan! Sacrificing a child to save yourself! Kudos! You have finally earned my respect!

Evil Star banishes the flying yellow shark because he hates winning. He could have defeated Hal and all it would have cost him was one of his homunculi! That's basically 1/300,000,000 of one quick tug of the old Johnson! Just let the shark eat it! Or maybe Evil Star is a total homophobe and he's all, "I won't have my not-gay shark eat my jizz child! Begone, heterosexual flying yellow shark!"

After the shark disappears, Hal Jordan shows why he's not as good as Kyle Rayner.

What the fuck kind of toy is that?! Kyle would have made a Shogun Warrior or a Transbot!

"Transbot" isn't meant to be any kind of commentary on the trans community! I was just riffing on how DC always comes up with fake brand names and figured they'd go with a Transformer/Gobot mix!

What kind of fucking toy did Hal Jordan just create? He was probably a child of the '50s or '60s by 1992 so that makes sense. They had weird fucking shit for kids back then. What was this supposed to be? A joke inhaler that knocks out your friend's front teeth when they're having an asthma attack?

While Hal Jordan congratulates himself over his witty light construction, a Starling flies by and knocks him out with his tight buttocks.

Get a whiff of this!

I wonder if my friend Stephen would be disturbed by this issue because those Starlings look exactly like his son. Except in better shape. So fit!

Evil Star remembers how he once trapped Hal Jordan way back in Green Lantern #37. Not Volume One with Alan Scott. Alan battled The Trapper in that issue! No, Evil Star is talking about Green Lantern #37, Volume 2 from June 1965. I suppose he traps Hal Jordan in a jar in that issue because that's what he does here. Specifically a bell jar so that Hal can say, "And me without my Sylvia Plath." As if Sylvia Plath is a thing Hal normally carries around with him. I guess Hal learned about his nouns from a different Schoolhouse Rock song than I did. "It's every person you can have: like a starling or a hostage or Sylvia Plath."

Evil Star isn't confident that Green Lantern won't escape from the yellow bell jar (like maybe using his ring to tunnel out through the dirt and sand under his feet) so he threatens to drown two children he's kidnapped if Hal tries to get away.

And I thought I was making this story weird and uncomfortable!

Evil Star's demands are that Green Lantern send him into space so he can recharge among the stars. For some reason, Hal refuses. Even though that would remove the threat of Evil Star from Earth. He'd be the threat in some other stupid Green Lantern's turf.

Green Lantern agrees to help Evil Star. When Evil Star makes a hole in the jar big enough for Green Lantern to teleport him into space, Hal Jordan shoots a beam out that takes out all the Starlings and Evil Star. But only long enough for the jar to dissipate and for Hal to save the children who are now drowning and having seaweed brush against their legs. They'll never fucking be the same.

Hal saves them but Evil Star gets away, drained from the battle. He only has a little bit of energy left because the smog in Los Angeles doesn't let much starlight through. He'd be much better off moving to Colorado or Montana. But maybe that's the point! He's only a slave to the power because he fears death and the power makes him immortal. But the power demands to be used in evil ways. So by living under the smog of Southern California, Evil Star can live forever but not have enough power to destroy the Green Lantern Corps and drown children. Maybe Hal should just leave him alone. After making sure he Evil Star gets a vasectomy, of course. Enough with the horrid Starlings, man.

Hal returns to Carol who was understandably distraught and concerned. But he's all, "I'm Green Lantern, baby! Fighting to the death is what I do!" Then Carol is all, "Well, this is why we can't be in a sexual relationship." And Hal is all, "Fuck you, you dirty cunt!"

Well, he doesn't say it in so many words. But look at his face! He was definitely thinking it.

Dude has got some real anger against women issues. Later, to prove he wasn't trying to fuck her at all, he explains that he's already dating somebody else anyway. A woman named Rose. Carol is all, "Oh, well, um, that's nice, I guess." And Hal is all, "Yeah! She's currently on Oa but she's totally real and not fucking John Stewart at all! We're totally in love and she's going to let me put my power rod in her love snug when she gets back to Earth."

Even after Hal's "Don't do me any favors" outburst when Carol says they can't be intimate any time soon, Carol speaks rationally and treats him like a human being. If I were Carol, I'd point out that this is also why they can't fuck. Because he acts like a child and she has to be the fucking adult in the room to calm him down. Afterward, Hal acts like a real woman hating jackass and storms out of her hotel room to go rage jerk off in his own room.

Hal sounds like a writer here. "Oh well, nobody wants to fuck me and I don't currently own a cat, so now's the time to get some writing done!"

Obviously a real writer would also have to make sure the house was clean and the dishes were done and they'd masturbated two or three times and they'd had a little snack and their 18 notebooks were all stacked nicely by some unsharpened pencils and they'd spent five hours scroll Twitter. But the Hal thing was just a minor observation, not meant to be an exact comparison!

Evil Star returns to some place outside of Death Valley to soak up some starlight and explain to his Starlings how he's going to get Green Lantern's power instead of the power of the stars because they're basically the same thing. The Starlings then dance around him like fit little monkeys, grinning maniacally. They're so fucking creepy.

The next day, Hal Jordan gets so distracted about the loan meeting for his business (which he fails to get, of course) that he forgets to charge his ring. By the time he goes to charge it, he only has a precious few minutes of power left. But before he's able to charge it, the Starlings zip in and steal the lantern from him.

That's as close as DC can get to saying, "Green Lantern Fucked Up the Ass (and Not in a Pleasant Way)!"

Green Lantern #27 Rating: A-. I think this whole story is still some kind of parable about Hal Jordan's fear of children and inability to commit to a monogamous relationship. He throws a child into a shark, endangers two children by allowing them to come into contact with horrible seaweed, and shoots one in the dick with his power ring. Plus he has no idea how to just be friends with a woman which means he has no foundation for any kind of actual relationship. He almost accidentally fucks a waitress in this issue the day after Carol is all, "You ain't gettin' near Little Ferris Air, buddy." And then it all ends with him feeling powerless and out of control. Because he's not forging any kind of future. He's still living in the past, refusing to get help from others, and kicking multiple children in the face. Any therapist could see that he's spiraling.

Green Lantern Annual #1 (1992)

I wouldn't mind getting behind that moon myself. Literally. To have sex with it.

Usually when you see that much ass cheek on a DC cover, it's because I did some horny Photoshop. But that's an actual DC cover and that's Star Sapphire's actual ass with very little cover. I'd say it's one of the best covers I've ever seen except I just now noticed that Hal Jordan is punching Carol in the face. That kind of ruins it for me. Not even Eclipso smiling joyfully at the misogyny can bring me back around. Almost! But not quite.

But what I actually find the most interesting thing on this cover is the little symbol in the corner that reads "Approved by the Comics Code Authority." Out of all the rules they have about things that can't appear in comic books, they're absolutely fine with a woman with most of her ass revealed kneeling in front of a man whose dick may or may not be out as he punches her in the face. Were they just not as strict as I was lead to believe? Or had they completely lost all of their teeth by 1992? Or were they less concerned with violence against women than they were about vampires and werewolves. I'm actually surprised it took until the 2000s for comic book companies to completely abandon the practice. I have a feeling that by the '80s most comics with the code on the cover barely had any scrutiny by the "Authority." And if they did, the publisher simply left the damned thing off, like with Watchman and Swamp Thing and, I think, pretty much all of DC's Vertigo line.

Anyway, it's useful to know that a bunch of uptight pricks who wanted to control a whole category of artistic expression was okay with whatever's happening on this cover. I have to say, I'm really only okay with the right hand side of the cover. You know, from Eclipso to the naked butt cheeks.

The issue begins with Kilowog training a bunch of the new recruits. There's one I don't immediately recognize although I think his name might be Jack or Charlie or something lame like that. He definitely wasn't one of Hal's recent recruits.

I thought Kilowog was supposed to train them for encounters on the battlefield, not encounters in the bedroom.

One recruit is noticeably absent from the training: Amanita, the little mushroom guy. That's because he began saying something before training began and he's only now finishing the sentence now that training is over. That sentence is, "I feel something hunting Green Lanterns." Hmm. Maybe somebody should listen to the little Star Sapphire ass.

Dammit! I keep getting distracted by the cover! I might have to rip it off and hide it under the mattress so I can finish reading this issue!

This is probably the thing hunting Green Lanterns and/or Star Sapphires butthole: Eclipso's fist.

This is the image on the page opposite the Eclipso's fist page:

I was 20 years old when I got this issue. How is it not covered in dried semen?!

The placement of that advert across from Eclipso threatening to fist the next asshole that comes near him had to be on purpose, no?

Eclipso doesn't actually want to fistfuck Green Lantern. He just wants the power of the most powerful weapon in the universe after the color yellow. But Eclipso can't manifest except in extremely rare instances (like a full eclipse and then only at an Oreo factory). Instead, Eclipso rains little Black Diamonds all over the Earth. Anybody who comes into contact with one of them becomes possessed by Eclipso. Right now, Eclipso is using Starman to try to track down Green Lantern. I guess Starman's powers aren't cool because they don't manifest through a gaudy piece of jewelry. Eclipso's D&D treasure type is whichever treasure type was just gems and jewelry.

Starman doesn't know where Green Lantern is so Eclipso has him give the Black Diamond to some homeless man. But he doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so he gives the Black Diamond to a prostitute. But she doesn't know where Green Lantern is either so she gives the Black Diamond to some pervert. He heads into a strip club where I'm sure everybody will be all, "Oh, Guy Gardner? Yeah! He was just here!"

Look all this nudity! I suspect even the Comics Code Authority hated reading fucking annuals.

The pervert tosses the Black Diamond to one of the strippers and guess what? She's seen Guy Gardner recently! Who could have guessed?! Other than me, of course!

Guy Gardner has just recently lost his ring to Hal Jordan which is fucking crazy because I never know when to read these annuals and I just happened to read this annual at exactly the right time! Guy's trying to figure out what to do next and briefly considers getting a gun. But he's no Simon Baz so he drops the idea immediately. Instead, he picks up a Black Diamond tossed to him by a stripper. Guy Gardner is always angry so I'm sure he transforms into Eclipso in record time. But the scene shifts to Carol and Hal's bedroom.

Gross.

Okay, maybe I'm reading the annual a little too soon if Carol is letting Hal do this to her already.

Hal didn't actually spunk on Carol so I don't know why Andy Smith drew that. She just woke up from a nightmare and Hal raced in to save her. He then listens to her and comforts her and makes sure she feels safe and waits until she falls asleep again and then resents her for not offering to fuck him right there and then. No, really! That's not just me being facetious! At least I don't think it is.

Hal defines "impossible emotional gymnastics" as being super nice to babes and then not getting to fuck them.

Just outside Hal's motel room, Guy Gardner waits, hiding behind a palm tree. That's really all they're good for. Eclipso realized Guy didn't have the power he wanted. But Guy did know where Hal Jordan was currently holed up. So he uses Guy to drop the Black Diamond off for Hal to find. Then Guy just goes back to the strip club thinking he's done his job. But he didn't count on Hal being too concerned with his blue balls to notice the gem on the ground. So instead, Carol, still in her underwear, finds it when she exits her motel room while going to apologize to Hal.

Oh, she's going to apologize to Hal because she told him her dream in which she was mean to Hal. That's also why his feelings were hurt. Because she had a dream where she hated him. Christ, he's a loser. But now that she found the Black Diamond, she's going to go kill Hal while in Star Sapphire's underwear.

Star Sapphire's underwear is just her regular super outfit. Like Superman and Batman.

Eclipso wants Green Lantern as his Eclipsed Slave but he falls into his own trap: he can't fully take over Star Sapphire until she commits her act of rage and revenge. And for Star Sapphire, that means killing Green Lantern. It took Eclipso thousands of years but he's finally learned about Catch-22. It's a hell of a catch, that Catch-22.

Star Sapphire flies off to destroy Ferris Air because she couldn't find Hal Jordan around the corner at the motel's soda machine. Star Sapphire somehow thinks that ex-employees of businesses give a shit if somebody later vandalizes the business. I suppose in this case she may be right only because the ex-employee is also a super hero.

At this point in the comic book, I'm exactly halfway through. That means this "review" will suddenly become a five sentence synopsis of the last 28 pages. It's my brand!

Starman shows up still under Eclipso's influence because Eclipso now has to battle himself so that he doesn't kill Green Lantern while possessing Star Sapphire. Bruce Gordon and his Eclipso hunters arrive with their solar guns to save the eclipsed heroes. Guy Gardner, still under Eclipso's influence, also attacks. And then the Green Lantern Corps arrives to save Hal's ass. It's a real clusterfuck.

Is this lesbian pornography?

Green Lantern Annual #1 Rating: Sexy! I'd explain how the clusterfuck turned out but I'm not sure I know. Hal and Carol remained under Eclipso's power so they could go fuck with Batman in the Detective Comics annual. Guy Gardner hitchhiked into Guy Gardner Reborn #1. Starman headed over into the Superman annual. And the other Green Lanterns all pretended they weren't just humiliated. I think Kilowog explained what happened in a panel near the end but, well, have a look:

Maybe this was the page my 20 year old self's spunk landed on after jerking it to that cover!