I have no idea how to approach this book, the least interesting of all of King's early books (that I've re-read so far! I'm looking at you, Christine). I've already discussed how King seems to think terror is somebody having a psychic power that ends in everything being burned to the ground. It's possible King didn't realize he was doing this until somebody said to him at a wild cocaine party, "Have you noticed that all of your books are about a writer or teacher dealing with psychic powers (either their own or another character's) which ultimately ends in everything being burned to the ground?" And Stephen King exclaimed, "That's a great idea for a book!" And then he wrote Firestarter. After it was published, King wound up at the same party as the guy who gave him the great idea for the book. The guy snorted a line, turned to King, and said, "Dude, you need a new idea! You're like a rabid dog gnawing on a bone!" And King was all, "That's a great idea for a book!" And finally, King wrote a different book. Not a different scary book. Just a book about a family who couldn't manage to beat a dog to death with a baseball bat and then go get their rabies shots. Pathetic!
Since I don't have any idea how to get a handle on this book, I'll just write the most boring thing anybody has ever said about this book (I assume because even I'm bored saying it which means the most boring people in the world have probably already said it): "Is this a prequel to Carrie?!" Ha ha! Get it?! It's basically the same book except with a new added creepy Native American assassin paedo character! Okay, fine, I'll give King the benefit of the doubt and believe Rainbird wasn't a pedophile. He just had a massive boner for killing a little girl. That's different somehow, right?
The final chapter of the book had me thinking that King wrote the entire book just for that final revelation of what publication would publish a story about government drug experiments, kidnappings, and assassinations. He was probably having a discussion at that party with that super coked up guy and was all, "The country has changed so much! If Watergate happened right now, who would even dare to publish the article and out the government?!" And the guy wiped his nose in that way they do in the movies after doing coke but I have no idea if people really do it, squeezed his nostrils for a moment, and said, "Um. TV Guide?" And King was all, "No! I'll tell you what paper would have the rock and roll balls to do it! But you'll have to read 425 other pages before I give the big reveal!" And the guy was all, "What were we talking about? Has anybody broken open the adult piñata yet?! I hear it's full of acid tabs." And King was all, "Rolling Stone! Get it?! Rock and roll balls! It would be Rolling Stone!"
After reading the book, I got my Monkey's Paw out of the closet and was all, "Monkey's Paw? Can you make it so that Stephen King writes children better? I hate how Charlie constantly giggles at everything, especially swear words! Are kids really like that? Shouldn't they be a bit more adult about stuff like that?" And the third finger on my Monkey's Paw curled up and I thought, "Ah! That's better! Now King will write children way better!" And then in 1987, he came out with It and I read most of that book thinking, "Fucking A, Monkey's Paw! For once, you came through without fucking up the wish!" And then the children had a gang bang in the sewer and I was all, "Goddamn it, Monkey's Paw!" Later that night, feeling sorry I yelled at my Monkey's Paw, I made a wish on it that I could get my dick sucked. I'm, um, not going to tell the end of that story. Stupid fucking Monkey's Paw.
Since I don't have any idea how to get a handle on this book, I'll just write the most boring thing anybody has ever said about this book (I assume because even I'm bored saying it which means the most boring people in the world have probably already said it): "Is this a prequel to Carrie?!" Ha ha! Get it?! It's basically the same book except with a new added creepy Native American assassin paedo character! Okay, fine, I'll give King the benefit of the doubt and believe Rainbird wasn't a pedophile. He just had a massive boner for killing a little girl. That's different somehow, right?
The final chapter of the book had me thinking that King wrote the entire book just for that final revelation of what publication would publish a story about government drug experiments, kidnappings, and assassinations. He was probably having a discussion at that party with that super coked up guy and was all, "The country has changed so much! If Watergate happened right now, who would even dare to publish the article and out the government?!" And the guy wiped his nose in that way they do in the movies after doing coke but I have no idea if people really do it, squeezed his nostrils for a moment, and said, "Um. TV Guide?" And King was all, "No! I'll tell you what paper would have the rock and roll balls to do it! But you'll have to read 425 other pages before I give the big reveal!" And the guy was all, "What were we talking about? Has anybody broken open the adult piñata yet?! I hear it's full of acid tabs." And King was all, "Rolling Stone! Get it?! Rock and roll balls! It would be Rolling Stone!"
After reading the book, I got my Monkey's Paw out of the closet and was all, "Monkey's Paw? Can you make it so that Stephen King writes children better? I hate how Charlie constantly giggles at everything, especially swear words! Are kids really like that? Shouldn't they be a bit more adult about stuff like that?" And the third finger on my Monkey's Paw curled up and I thought, "Ah! That's better! Now King will write children way better!" And then in 1987, he came out with It and I read most of that book thinking, "Fucking A, Monkey's Paw! For once, you came through without fucking up the wish!" And then the children had a gang bang in the sewer and I was all, "Goddamn it, Monkey's Paw!" Later that night, feeling sorry I yelled at my Monkey's Paw, I made a wish on it that I could get my dick sucked. I'm, um, not going to tell the end of that story. Stupid fucking Monkey's Paw.
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