Superman #20

Is DC making an attempt to own SMASH?

Last month there was some really dumb aliens called Sunturians. It was super dumb which is why it was in this comic book. You only get normal levels of dumb in books like Batman and The Flash. You can find some wonder dumb in Wonder Woman. But you only get super dumb in this comic book. Oh, not because it's Superman! Because it's written by Scott Lobdell!

Then Diana Prince met all of Clark Kent's "friends." I put friends in quotation marks because you don't usually think of the people you lie to about every aspect of yourself as your friends. And then Orion came back to town to kill Superman. He needs to kill Superman otherwise the only consequence that Scott Lobdell can think of will take place: the end of omnithing.

Now to get back to Orion and Superman punching each other in the face.

Oh, excuse me. I forgot for half a second that this was a Scott Lobdell Jam and he's incapable of beginning any comic book from the point the last comic book ended. I can only imagine that reading a trade of Lobdell's issues is a confusing fucking mess.

So apparently while Superman and Orion began bashing each other in the face, Superman was suddenly overwhelmed by Hector Hammond's psychic shenanigans causing him to believe Ma and Pa Kent are alive and it's the future and he's married to Lois (or Diana (Or Lana (Or Bruce))) and he's happy and everything is right with the world. That's my best possible guess. But this was written by Scott Lobdell who is apparently stuck writing Cable stories over and over and over again. So this could actually be an alternate timeline that has something to do with why the omniverse is going to be destroyed. Perhaps if Superman chooses this timeline through some kind of Hector Hammond mischief, it'll end the world. So Superman has to somehow give up this fictional world which shouldn't exist in any way at all so that the real world can survive. Or something. Trying to be in Scott Lobdell's headspace is confusing and imprecise.

Fuck I hope this is just a Hammond induced fantasy.

I'm not sure Lobdell is capable of writing a story that doesn't include any of these things.

So he married Lana. Was Lana the first person Clark ever had sex with? If so, I'm surprised he didn't kill her. Perhaps this is the timeline that originally existed before Mxyzptlk fucked with it in Action Comics by killing Ma and Pa Kent. Because of that, Clark probably partially blamed Lana and they just couldn't get past it and they ended it. But without Mxy fucking with the timeline, this is how it all would have turned out. Or, at least, this is how Superman fantasizes it would have turned out.

But then Orion punches Superman in the face and that fantasy is smashed to bits. And then Superman punches back.

Big surprise. Another immortal being shocked at feeling something. Once again, Lobdell steals from Lobdell. This is pretty much the same reaction Trigon had to being punched by Cassie (or Superboy. I forget!).

At least the editing and art have lowered themselves to the level of the writing.

Now that I've pointed out the "your" mistake, I'll probably get dozens of comments pointing out all of my mistakes. The only difference is I don't pay a fucking editor to catch this shit. Hell, I don't even reread any of this until next month before I read Superman #21. But I do fix my mistakes then!

It's a good thing I can't drop this comic book's rank any further because it's doing a couple of things I personally dislike. Orion is acting on a prophecy. Lazy motivation for a character. Alternate timelines. Lazy way to examine a character through different circumstances that eventually mean nothing.

Depending on the way they're written, I don't immediately hate alternate timeline stories. It's just that if every possibility is possible, then saving a future timeline makes no sense because a timeline already exists where that future was saved. Also the future where the timeline isn't saved still exists. One of my favorite alternate timeline stories is the episode of Star Trek Voyager where the episode begins on the alternate timeline ship although that's never made clear until the end of the episode. That was nicely done! I've been vague on the details because I don't remember any of them, like the name of the crew member that switches timelines to replace his character that dies in the original timeline.

Anyway, back to the fight between Superman and Orion. I don't think I'm going to have a lot to say about it. Superman needs to die so the omniverse can live. So I guess Superman is going to die! Except...oh yeah! There might be another way out of this future disaster! What if Superman can kick Hector Hammond out of his head? That would take care of that since Orion already identified Hector Hammond as the real problem. Then he can simply stomp on Hector's huge head and the omniverse will be saved and so will Superman.

Wonder Woman arrives and Orion decides he doesn't want his balls torn from his body, so he stops pummeling Superman. They decide to come up with another plan where Diana ties up Superman. Ooh, kinky.

Is it the Lasso of Truth and Insulting Oneself?

Once Orion realizes Hammond is in Superman's mind, he uses Mother Box to erase Hammond's knowledge of the Omniverse that would have ended omnithing. What was that knowledge and how would Hammond have used it? Fuck you. That's need to know! Just know that Lobdell assured us that the omniverse would have been destroyed if Orion hadn't saved the day!

And then Lobdell closes with the big shocker!

Oh no! Superman's imaginary wife from a non-existent future from a fantasy alternate timeline is a mind zombie! Those are the worst kind because they instantly have access to your brain.

Superman #20 Rating: No change. I suppose this issue wasn't as horrible as some of Lobdell's other New 52 issues. But it certainly ended nearly as anti-climatically as Superman's encounter with Oracle. Lobdell should really stop trying to turn every story into some kind of cosmic crisis that's going to turn all time into a mole hill because he's not even coming close to pulling it off. Hector Hammond was going to destroy the universe? Okay, maybe he read the mind of a Guardian of the Universe or something and he was housed in Superman's body. But it's not like he took over Batman's body. That might have been trouble!