New Titans #108

I can't believe we had to wait 108 issues for Marv Wolfman's take on the trauma of rape!

The advertisement on the inside front cover is for the movie Blue Chips and I've never hated past everybody more. Shaquille O'Neal starring in a movie directed by William Friedkin with the tagline, "In your face." Maybe I'm judging this movie too harshly simply because my first thought was, "What fucking world were we living in where we decided Shaq needed a movie career?" But then, he's playing a basketball player in this movie so he probably nailed the role. I'm sure there's no difference between the way he performed his role and the way he answered press questions after a game. And I guess he was kind of funny and charming, so what Hollywood bigwig wasn't getting on the horn and yelling at casting directors, "Get me Shaq! I've got a script here for a basketball movie and he'd be perfect! Also maybe throw this genie script at him!"

Anyway, the Internet and Roger Ebert seem to think this movie wasn't too bad so maybe this isn't a hill I should die on. Not that I haven't died on a whole slew of hills that weren't worth dying on. Maybe not as many as Deathstork fans but I've still had my share. I don't remember any of those hills because I purge my memory of all the times I acted foolish so that I can continue to believe I'm the epitome of the perfect human being.

Also, maybe I shouldn't trust Roger Ebert's judgment as much as I do seeing as he began his review with this word: "Alot". Unless that indicates he despised editors too in which case I'm back to being his #130,503,227th biggest fan!

The issue begins with Starfire visiting Councilwoman Alderman in an insane asylum. Kory is dressed in torn rags because fuck you. You don't deserve a comic book that makes sense if you stuck with New Titans this long! My first thought was, "Is this a nightmare?" But I skipped ahead a few pages so that I wouldn't write a bunch of shit that didn't matter when it was revealed to be a dream and I don't think it is a nightmare. My second thought was that Kory broke in to confront Alderman but Kory mentions things the guard said to her, and references waiting for the guards to open the door leading to Alderman's cell. So she went through the proper channels for a visit and nobody seemed to care she was barefoot and wearing a torn sheet that was skimpier than her superhero costume. But then I remember this is a comic book from 1994 and even when a hot female character is dealing with the trauma of rape, the artist still must cater to the male gaze. You know how many comic book drawings of dead female heroes I've jerked off to?! I mean, obviously it's zero! That was meant to be hyperbolic and satirical!

So sexily satirical!

Comic book fans think they have it rough now, what with Tom King portraying Batman as a man who might actually have to deal with the psychological trauma of his entire life in ways other than beating criminals nearly to death. Back in 1994, we had to deal with poor misunderstood and tormented Raven turning into a rape monster just like her father! It was a hard lesson! Thankfully, the only people who had to learn it were the assholes who still kept buying The New Titans after the Wildebeest story arc.

Nightwing arrives to save Starfire from more trauma induced by Alderman's ranting. He appears in full costume because men are allowed to be dignified. Although, technically, with the way artists draw characters in spandex, Nightwing looks more naked than Starfire.

Starfire yells "Kynasf'rr!" and blasts through the wall, leaving Nightwing free to think about how Alderman said he was always second to Batman. I mean, Kory's pain is terrible and Alderman taunting her about a possible Trigon pregnancy is terrifying but second to Batman?! Below the belt, crazy lady!

Phantasm makes an appearance to say, "Trigon's seed has returned to Earth!" So now I'm thinking about Trigon's ejaculate, so thanks for that, Marv Wolfman! You dirty pervert!

Based on these two articles on the front page, I'm guessing nobody at the Globe knows what "landslide" means.

Beast Boy and Dr. Sarah Charles have a grieving session while packing up Victor's things in whatever space Victor kept his things. Garfield decides to remember things so that Marv Wolfman can show that Garfield has learned a lesson about inspiration and hope from Cyborg. Gar says, "Only [Cyborg] never complained. He just kept going on, even after what happened to Sarah Simms. Even after he realized he was going to die. He just took things as they were and changed what he could and accepted what he couldn't." Maybe I'm the one remembering things wrong but I felt like Cyborg was constantly complaining! He was constantly angry at his dad for turning him into a machine. He was constantly upset at his robot life because it didn't allow him to fuck his romantic partners. He was always saying "Booyah!" because what else is there to say when your body is a constant and painful reminder that you'll never again be human and you're bound to live a life of loneliness? I mean, I could be remembering wrong. And anyway, this plays much better. You want the dead guy to have left some kind of meaning filling the void his presence has left. Also, Garfield needed this moment to grow the fuck up.

It reveals too much about my inner character so I won't discuss the scene where I identify too strongly with Pantha's grousing about the Beast Boy/Dr. Charles scene just before Red Star almost beats the shit out of her. Those two are definitely about to fuck, right?

Roy Harper discovers that his bosses at Checkmate have found a non-Dayton Industries corporation to begin design Titan weapons systems and that corporation is run by Alexander Luthor. Not Lex Luthor! Alexander! The one with red hair and the beard. The one that was fucking Supergirl. But not the real Supergirl! The Supergirl made out of slime or computer data or something. I don't have a real clear memory of these post-Death-of-Superman Superman family histories!

And finally, Starfire travels to South America — the Tamaran of Earth, I guess? — to undergo Kynasf'rr. I don't know what that is but I bet it's sexy.

New Titans #108 Rating: B-. I almost gave this issue a C+ which is worse than a B- but feels more positive because our perceptions of things, as humans, can be fucking stupid. I was hoping for Marv to really plumb the deaths of Starfire's tragedy but instead he just scripted a few pages of Starfire nearly naked while Alderman tries to convince her to let Raven rape her again. Marv doesn't even spend much time on the Titan's grief over Cyborg since he had to deal with a bunch of Titans' bureaucracy over their current leadership and membership problems. This seemed like an issue where Marv could have really flexed some emotional writing muscle but he spent only a few pages superficially glossing over the Titans' grief and pain.

The Letters Pages!

Jeff DeMos of New York, NY, gave me a good laugh when he wrote, "Why is there a periodic need to overhaul a character that will 'change (them) forever?' Has Cyborg really become so boring and dated? Has he exhausted all possible storylines?" Why, yes and yes, Jeff! Thanks for asking the truly important rhetorical questions!

The editor's response to those obviously rhetorical questions was another good laugh: "Cyborg never became 'boring or dated.'" Ha ha! I suppose that statement is true if you consider Cyborg has always been boring and dated which means he could never become those things!

New Titans #107

Can you imagine a team superhero series making it to Issue #107 and believing this is the line-up that will get them to another hundred issues?

I know you're all judging me for that caption. Not because you can't agree with it completely (unless you're somehow, shamefully, a Cyborg or a Beast Boy or a Roy Harper fan) but because I didn't mention Cyborg's weird new cybernetic baby legs. The cover is by Nick Napolitano who seems to be mostly a letterer now (for — forgive me — obvious reasons)? Maybe it's not the same person. I'd hate to imply that a respected letterer in the industry today once drew Cyborg with fountain pen feet and fairly decent breasts.

Although the letterer on this issue is Christine Napolitano, so maybe he stole his wife's job when DC fired him as a penciller?

Oh, excuse me! I shouldn't assume Nick was fired as an artist because of the way he drew Cyborg on this cover. I should probably assume he was offered more money to work at Image.

In my commentary on Team Titans #16, I speculated that the series could have received a huge sales boost by having Lobo as a guest star. If my memory served, I thought it might have been at peak Lobo saturation at DC. According to the ad on the inside cover, I may have been spot on.

Every successful pitch at DC in the early to mid nineties began "Picture this: Lobo [rest of pitch interrupted by sounds of editors jizzing and creaming their pants]."

The issue begins with Roy Harper enclosed in a metal box in space while he tries to explain claustrophobia to sentient software. He describes his reaction as his "sweat glands doing a world-class impersonation of Niagara Falls." The next few pages do not include Roy Harper explaining what Niagara Falls is nor does it include the sentient software saying, "Slowly I turn. Step by step. Inch by inch." If you're young and you don't understand any of that meant, just let it go. Let the old people have their moment to nod and smile nostalgically!

The sentient software haven't had an upgrade in eons ("since Noah was a pup," according to Roy Harper) so they need to copy and paste Cyborg's soul into their code. I know it sounds ridiculous but just remember that this was written in 1994 when people still believed in souls.

If I had a body for the first time in decades, due to the sudden rush of sensations, I would not want it to be in a skintight leotard.

Prester Jon's argument for mortality is that "knowing life is finite is what gives us our drive." You know what I would trade for immortality? My drive! It's barely extant anyway! I know I only have a limited time to write my Horatio Algeresque sex adventure novel, Slags to Bitches, and I still can't be bothered!

The sentient software decides to give Prester Jon his mortal body even though "it is not within [their] programming." What good is software that performs tasks it isn't programmed to perform?! It's like having a toaster thatt can suck your dick.

Hmm. Shark Tank, here I come!

Sarah's low bar for love is inspirational!

Prester Jon reveals his new body and, I believe, Baby Wildebeest reveals that he's gay.

Baby smash!

While Technis begins to destroy the Earth, Phantasm freezes up in a moment of existential crisis. He wonders if he saves people for their sake or if he's saving them because he finds pain delicious. Either way leads to the same thing: Phantasm helping people in pain to be close to their pain. So I'm not sure what the crisis is really about. The only way I see this moment making sense is if the drive is sexual so he's going into a shame spiral.

Speaking of a sexy shame spiral, I'll be right back!

Meanwhile in New York, Councilman Quirk decides to hold a press conference as the Earth is being destroyed. He's decided to lay the blame on the Titans (and just because it is the Titans' fault, he shouldn't know that!). Who does he think will see this broadcast?! Everybody in New York is being turned into digital data or running around trying not to be turned into digital data. This is the worst attempt to garner votes that I've ever seen!

The Titans manage to save the world but in so doing, everybody learns that Cyborg wants to kill himself. Booyah! That's the best idea he's ever had!

I probably shouldn't make light of suicide, and normally I wouldn't. But have you read a comic book with Cyborg in it?! They're all so boring! At least if he attempted suicide, there might be some drama or tension!

I don't think Pantha has ever seen The Wizard of Oz.

Cyborg reveals that he can no longer exist off of Technis because they've completely drained his battery. Remember, this was 1994! If some piece of technology broke down, we figured the battery had died and we threw the whole thing away. So the Titans are forced to throw Cyborg away. He's incorporated into Technis and it flies off into the universe. And Cyborg was never seen again!

New Titans #107 Rating: A+ in 1994 because it left me with the hope that Cyborg was gone for good. F- in 2019 because what the fuck, DC?! How is he a major member of the Justice League?! Oh, don't point to Aquaman as if having one boring member justifies a second!

Team Titans #16

I'm fairly certain that this is some of that 3-D art that was popular at the time. I'm also fairly certain it's a dick.

In our new ultra-modern time, it's popular to not criticize art that you think is terrible. To simply say, "It was not for me," has become the popular trend. So let me begin my critique by saying, "This was not for me!" Now all the people who believe that shitting on somebody else's hard work is in poor taste should probably head on over to a more polite website, like ... well, fuck me. This being the Internet, I don't actually know of any. I guess any that have comments locked? Or maybe Neopets?

Heck, I haven't even read this issue yet! Maybe I'll love it and then I'll have to say, "It was totally for me! Especially the cover where the disembodied face sucked the huge three dimensional cock!" I have to admit that liking this issue is a possibility although it's not a probability. You know what I'm saying!

I forgot to do my anagram of the title: "'t' Santa Time!" That's "It's Santa Time!" but abbreviated in the way a cockney lad would probably say it just before he cleans out your chimney.

Please remember not to criticize my anagrams. I'd prefer it if you just said, "It wasn't for me," and moved along. My fragile ego thanks you!

Before I even read this, I'm wondering why nobody thought to introduce Lobo to this comic book to make it better. It was 1994! I'm pretty sure Lobo was still popular and yet not so wildly popular that fans would begrudge him showing up in a shitty book like this.

This issue begins in 1885 in the American West where a posse of lawmen pursue a lost in time member of the Team Titans. This member of the Team Titans is named Gunsmoke because the Team Titans time machine must send members of the Titans to the place and time where their name fits best. That's why Metallik wound up in the early nineties. Oh, sure, they would have been better off arriving in the eighties but maybe the time machine's artificial intelligence knew that a metal band wouldn't get a record deal in the early nineties which would leave Metallik more time to pretend they're making the world a better place while really just fighting evil Team Titans teams like Judge and Jury.

"Oh no! My horse was shot straight up the asshole!"

Image Comics changed the face of the comic book industry in many ways that smarter people than me actually know about. But one of the ways that people don't talk about as much (unless they do. I don't have time to actually read about comics or research them or interact with other comic book fans in any way except to make a disgusted face when they try to speak with me!) is how, immediately following Image Comics push for creator's rights, DC decided to create and trademark characters by every name they could think of. "Here are a bunch of characters created by committee that we can get our writers to use instead of creating their own and then expecting royalties on those stupid characters we own and don't legally have to pay extra for, you Goddamned vampires! Fucking Image Comics! Suck our dicks!" Team Titans had to be a reaction to this new mindset. The premise of this terrible comic book was that thousands of superheroes from the future were sent back in time to save their future. And most of those characters had terrible names, like Redwing and Gunsmoke and Battalion and Sparkle Boy. Evidence from the letters pages suggests that this comic book was expected to last long enough that audiences would see what happened to hundreds of these teams.

About the same time this series was hitting the shelves, DC put out their summer blockbustr, Bloodlines, which was just a blatant attempt to create as many new heroes as they could come up with before writers began expecting created by paychecks. I'm not sure how well it worked though since Hitman is probably the only hero created at that time that anybody could now name. And also, maybe Garth Ennis gets a created by paycheck for him? I don't know! How should I know?! Remember that part about how I don't do research?!

In conclusion, Team Titans can be criticized harshly because it was never meant to be a work of art or a coherent story or entertaining at all. It was just a repository for new characters that DC editors could later mention to new writers when they came on board. "Oh, you don't want to create your own character that you would really be into and thus probably write a terrific story about which would help make DC a lot of money even if we had to pay you creator's rights on it! Maybe you'd rather write a story about Loose Cannon or Joe Public or Cardinal Sin?!" Years later, that editor might be wind up looking at the top selling comics of the month to discover the writer who they drove away was writing a hit comic book with Image Comics because it was the story they wanted to tell but didn't know how to tell it using Loose Cannon as the main character.

Meanwhile, Terry and Donna had a baby that didn't grow up to be an evil narcissistic time traveling world conqueror. I sort of forgot about that.

"Stop being hysterical, Donna! Listen to me, a failed history professor, when I downplay our child's potential illness!" -- Terry Long, typical man.

I can't wait until Donna's child's skin sloughs off and he's revealed to be a mutant lizard monster. Then Donna can be all, "I told you something was wrong!" And Terry can be all, "You just live for these moments, don't you?! Wonder Girl! Always right! Can't do anything wrong! Won't let her husband live it down that he failed to write his book on mythology that would have given him a tenured position at NYU!" And Donna would be all, "I never bring that up! You need to let that shit go, you stupid bastard!" And then Terry can be all, "Our child is a lizard because you probably fucked some mythological creature during those months I couldn't get an erection because I felt like such a failure!" And then Donna can be all, "Why are you still even in these comic books?!" And then my writing teacher can be all, "Is this really how you want to write dialogue? With all the 'so-and-so can be all's?!"

Oh look! I was right about Lobo still being used to increase sales. I think this was right around when Lobo was being used on any series that wanted to prove that their hero could beat the unbeatable Lobo, thus turning Lobo into a punching bag and a loser. Which maybe he always was but look at how cool he looks! And at least he's only a genocidal monster and not a pedophile like Deathstork!

The rest of the comic book seems to be Jeff Jensen's attempt at art. That's my guess because he's doing something different and that means it must be art! The final nineteen pages are narrated by Nightrider, the vampire, as he's shot by a neighbor, crawls off to die, and then infiltrates the dreams of the other members of the Team Titans. That's not the artsy part though! That's regular comic book stuff. The artsy part is that Jensen tells the narrated story through the second person point of view. I always think of it as the Choose Your Own Adventure perspective. Maybe Jensen thought the reader would actually give a shit about Nightrider if they were put in Nightrider's bloody shoes? It's a decent attempt since if Nightrider were telling the story through the first person, I would read it while constantly thinking, "Is his name really Nightrider? Did I misread that? I should go back and check where Terry says his name. Let's see. Yep! It's really Nightrider. What a terrible name! Although I'd read a comic book where he teams up with Gunsmoke, sort of like Iron Fist and Luke Cage." But since the story is told in the second person, I completely forgot to think about Nightrider's dumb name because I was distracted by the use of the second person. Instead, my thoughts were these: "What the fuck is Jensen doing?! This is so awkward! It's like when my cousin began writing essays and stories at Mission College and he wrote them all in the second person because I'm pretty sure the only books he ever read were The Cave of Time and The Mystery of Chimney Rock!"

So congratulations, Jeff Jensen, on completely succeeding at taking my mind of Nightrider's name which, I guess, means I cared a little more about his story? Not that this story where he crawls into a cave to die concentrates on him and his pain anyway. It's more a storytelling trick to catch up the reader on all of the angst and pain and turmoil the other Titans are suffering through. Poor Nightrider! He's not even interesting enough to carry the story when he's dying!

Yeesh. Mirage dreams she "gives birth" (quotes because I don't think this portrays normal birth!) to her baby, conceived when Deathwing raped her, after which her baby threatens to rape her.

After a bunch of mysterious images and bits of story that make the reader believe they've seen some clues as to the future direction of this comic book (but actually haven't seeing as how none of the dreams mentioned how they'd be cancelled in nine more issues), the neighbor who shot Nightrider clambers into the cave and cradles him in his arms. "I won't let you die," he screams to the Gods! "Even if I have to let you suck my dick!" He glances around furtively. "That's probably how your life will be saved, right?" he says as he unzips his jeans.

Team Titans #16 Rating: A+ because it was artists making an effort, I guess. But this comic book wasn't for me.

Movie Review: Rings

Rings: A Critical Review
(Full of spoilers because how do you actually discuss a movie without actually discussing anything pertinent to the plot?!)

This movie isn’t the movie it should have been. David Loucka and Jacob Estes conceived this movie by thinking, “Hey! Imagine if the video from The Ring were released digitally! Holy cow! It would be like a computer virus!” Ignoring that the entire premise of Kôji Suzuki’s novel is that the video is akin to a biological virus and already, technically, makes that point (I said technically because Suzuki’s virus is obviously not digital! Duh! But it’s still the same concept: technology as a virus that infects biology!), Loucka and Estes never actually make that movie anyway. Instead they simply remake The Ring but bookend it with two other films that would have been much better and more appropriate to the silly sequel title, Rings. Granted, there’s no way they could have made Kôji Suzuki’s follow-up, Spiral, into a movie. I mean, they could have if they wanted to lose millions of dollars asking viewers to believe that the video tape didn’t just kill people after seven days, but it also impregnates them so that they give birth to the nerd that died in the first book. At least I think that’s what happened. It was fucking weird and I read it over a year ago. Too bad I’ve yet to find a copy of Loop because I bet that thing is super batshit insane.

The movie begins with a guy on a plane about to time out of his seven days. He’s super scared because, I guess, nobody watches the tape and thinks, “That was fucking crazy. And a weird robocall that just said ‘Seven days’ immediately after? I’m hungry!” Apparently everybody watches it and thinks, “Oh shit! Does ‘seven days’ mean I’m going to die in seven days?! I bet it does because what else could that video have been about?!” You might be thinking, “Why would you assume everybody gets scared after seeing the video when just the one guy has freaked out so far?” Well, doubter who obviously hasn’t seen the movie yet: a woman on the plane also says, frightened, “I saw that video too!” And since the plane crashes and everybody on it probably dies, I guess they all watched the video at the same time one week prior?

I understand the flaws in my assumption, you jerk! You don’t have to “Actually!” me during my review! The guy who watched the video probably died of scared-to-death face while the other people on the plane just died from sudden impact face. Anyway, the opening scene doesn’t matter. It was probably tacked on because test audiences were all, “You know, there isn’t really any action in this movie? Maybe more high-speed action and less fighting blind guys in the dark?” Then some other audience member was probably all, “Oh! I know! What about a scene where somebody is looking through a keyhole and then — BOOM! — suddenly there’s a scary eye on the other side of the keyhole!” I’m pretending that’s how that scene wound up in the movie to help Loucka and Estes save face as writers. Maybe the third writer credited on the screenplay (but not on “story by”), Akiva Goldsman, was that audience member.

You know what? Stop actuallying me! Fine, the opening scene was needed to explain the entire premise of the death video.  The man explains that if you watch this scary videotape, you die in seven days. The woman who also saw it was there to explain that you survive the curse by making a tape and showing it to some other sucker! So, yeah, I guess the stupid first scene carried some water. It was repetitive, Scott Lobdellian water but I guess every Ring movie is somebody’s first Ring movie!

As I was saying about the opening scene before other more important things that needed to be said cropped up, it’s most important purpose was to give the VCR that Johnny Galecki buys one scene and two years later a back story. He’s all, “I’m going to buy this old technology for some reason!” Aimee Teegarden, his student (you can tell she’s his student because she’s young and hot and he’s Johnny Galecki), says, “Whatever, dude! This movie is PG-13 and was also shot in the 21st century so don’t expect me to whip my tits out even though that’s what my character would do at some point during this movie if it had been filmed in the 80s.” Johnny shrugs, takes the VCR home, hooks it up to some old ass television that still uses AV cables, and watches the tape that’s still in the VCR. That’s totally believable because when I die, somebody is going to wind up with a Laserdisc player with Heathers stuck inside of it.

By the time the next part of the story takes place (a few months, maybe?), Johnny has survived watching the video, completely researched the hell out of it, and published a book with the subtitle “the Samara Effect” (or something like that. I only watched it once and I’m not too concerned with going back to check). So he’s a quick worker, ain’t he?! I guess all that time spent not being able to fuck his students wasn’t simply wasted with masturbation.

I’m not going to get into the main character Julia (played by Matilda Lutz) yet because she’s only really important to The Ring remake that comprises the middle section of the movie. This aside was for everybody who has seen the movie who might be thinking, “When are you going to get into discussing Julia and whether it was okay to get a boner during the scene where she’s in her underwear because she’s probably portraying an eighteen year old and not a seventeen year old, right? I mean, yeah, maybe it’s creepy but you saw that butt, right? Also the actress is probably an old person! Whew! I’m not a creep at all! Suck it, mom!” Also, I hope you saw those quotation marks because that indicates that somebody else said that thing and not me. I only transcribed it!

The first third of the movie should concentrate on Galecki’s extra-curricular biology experiment. He’s taking students, showing them the film, and seeing how their lives become completely fucked up from terror over the course of seven days before finding another guinea pig to watch their copy of the film and save them from scared-to-death face. A much better movie than the one F. Javier Gutiérrez chose for audiences would have involved an ensemble cast caught up in Galecki’s experiment. Maybe everything seems to be going okay for a bit until some student dismisses the whole thing and heads back home for a long weekend before being able to get somebody to view his copy. He winds up with scared-to-death face and everybody begins freaking out. The rumors fly all over the school and now nobody can find anybody to watch their film. You now have five or six main characters all trying to find a way not to die. Maybe one of them, suddenly realizing this shit is real, understands the terrible ethical decision and refuses to find somebody to take on their curse. Maybe one of them (probably the frat guy) forces somebody to watch their video without their consent. Maybe one of them (the hot looking, muscular nerd with the glasses) hacks the on-campus televisions and spreads the video across the whole school. Maybe the camgirl creates some clickbait headline about a great video showing her butthole but links to the video and spreads Samara’s video across the entire Internet (this crosses into the other possible movie Gutiérrez might have made but, in the end, it’s what Rings should have been all about anyway, right?) thus saving her life but putting millions at risk.

But no! What you actually get is dozens of students participating in this scary ass project but, in the end, leaving only Julia’s boyfriend at risk once Teegarden dies of scared-to-death face. What could have been a meaningful reason for using the plural of ring for a title winds up being a movie about a single ring: Julia’s boyfriend. And since his time is about up, Julia watches the video to save his life. This brings us to the middle section of the movie: The RIng Redux.

Either I haven’t seen The Ring 2 or I just don’t remember it. Hell, I probably don’t rightly remember the movie, The Ring, as much as I remember Suzuki’s novel. But I feel fairly certain the first movie and the novel retain the same basic plot structure. People watch this video. They die in seven days. Some other person who watched the video realizes the curse and must research it to figure out how to break it. In doing so, they save themselves almost immediately without knowing it when they enlist the help of a friend, making a copy and showing it to them. When they survive but their friend dies, it helps them to make the logical leap needed to understand how to break the curse. In the book, the main characters figure that to break the curse, they have to put Samara’s body to rest. So they go to the cabin, enter the well, get the corpse, take it back to her hometown, and give it a proper burial. Based on Rings, I’m guessing all of that took place one of the previous films. Which is why the middle part of Rings is just a retelling of that story.

Julia and her boyfriend head to Samara’s hometown, learn more about her than even Galecki discovered, learn her terrible secret, find her corpse, and give her, not a proper burial, but a proper cremation. That should do the trick, right?!

Well, no. Because the big twist is that Samara was trying to be reborn and Julia fell for it! Ha ha! Dumb dumb! If she’d only read Suzuki’s follow-up to Ring (no article on the book title!), Spiral, she’d have learned that the big twist was the whole being reborn thing! Also since Spiral was published in 1995, the big twist at the end of that wasn’t that the video would wind up on the Internet to infect everybody in the world. The big twist was that the main character’s published work was going to be turned into a movie which was now the real infection source for Samara’s virus. Millions of movie-goers would be infected! Ha ha! Dumb dumbs!

I wonder how often Roger Ebert wrote “Ha ha! Dumb dumbs”? Probably not enough! That’s why he’s no longer successful!

In trying to be a good and faithful protagonist, Julia just winds up setting Samara loose on the world. That’s a pretty good twist, right?! What the audience realizes if they think about this movie for any amount of time after exiting the theater instead of just saying, “That was a stupid waste of ten bucks!”, is that the real protagonist was the blind ex-priest who kidnapped a young woman and impregnated her many years ago, giving birth to pure evil. This ex-priest then proceeded to murder all eleven or so people who came before Julia, also trying to free Samara. That pervert murderer was the real champion! I knew I like him for more than creepily taking Julia’s hand and doing that weird finger thing on her palm that perverted old people do. I mean, he must have done that or else he wouldn’t have been able to read Samara’s Braille message she burned into Julia’s palm!

Although, I mean, why the fuck did Samara burn “rebirth” in Braille on Julia’s palm anyway? Why would Samara know Braille? Why would she leave a clue to her ultimate goal? Maybe it’s some kind of rule from the afterlife. You have to give the people you’re manipulating a fair chance at defeating your evil plans!

The final twist of the movie is that once Samara is reborn in Julia, Julia’s electronics begin sending copies of the movie to all of her online contacts. Julia’s boyfriend sees it happening and tries to stop it by unplugging the laptop’s power cord and online connection, somehow forgetting that laptops have batteries and WiFi connections. And thus the entire world is doomed to be infected. Of course, how many die from this infection? Maybe half the population of the online world? It doesn’t seem like the best way to kill everybody if the person is infected and saved in one online session. “Hey! A weird video! Let’s watch it. Fuck, that was crazy shit. Let me send it to my friends!” I guess since once person can spread the virus to more than one person, it’ll be harder and harder for people to find a non-infected person to watch their copy of the video. And maybe the point isn’t about death anyway? I think the point in Spiral was that watching the video actually changed the person’s DNA in a way that made them part Samara, or made her more powerful, or something. Anyway, it was less about killing and more about just infecting everybody.

The problem with this ending is that it’s the fucking ending. You’d think the whole point of a movie titled Rings is that it would be about huge numbers of people being infected by the video. Instead, only one person winds up endangered in most of this movie. The real movie only begins when this one ends. Estes, and Loucka should have realized this and thrown out the first draft of the movie. But since they didn’t, audiences were treated to an uninspired remake of the first film but with even more plot holes.

Like how this movie follows the adventures of — apparently — the only two young people who don’t constantly check their phones. Julia’s boyfriend disappears for six days after watching the video because...well, I don’t know why! He just leaves his phone under his bed in his dorm and fucks off on a ski trip or something. Nobody knows where to find him. Why? I don’t know! Nobody else participating in the experiment disappears. They all just seem to hang out in the lab — or is it a rave?! — with all the other participants in a hedonistic display of, well, college youthfulness!

Julia’s boyfriend’s excuse for not talking to her is that he didn’t want her mixed up in this experiment. Although the experiment wasn’t even scary yet. Nobody had died of scared-to-death face but somehow Julia’s boyfriend was taking it seriously from the start? And he thought not being in constant contact with his girlfriend would keep her safe? He definitely wasn’t smart because he was surprised to find out that she was worried about him, enough to seek him out at his college.

But that’s just the tip of his stupid iceberg. He also never checks his phone while searching for Samara, thus missing Galecki’s warning that Julia’s hand has Braille on it (not that this message would have helped because Julia and her boyfriend were stupid jerks). Plus when Boyfriend discovers that the blind guy was the priest somehow involved with Samara, he doesn’t call Julia to warn her. He races back to their bed and breakfast to warn her. When he doesn’t find her there, he doesn’t call her to warn her. He races to the priest’s house to save Julia. Now, maybe I missed Julia leaving her phone in the room. But even if I did miss that and that was the reason Boyfriend couldn’t call her, what fucking young person leaves their phone in their room? I mean aside from Boyfriend when he disappears for six days doing fuck knows what.

In the end, this movie missed out on everything that would have made The Ring modern and updated. I can’t fathom why somebody thought The Ring should simply be revisited as another version of the same movie. Somebody actually thought the twist computer virus at the end was enough of a great idea to greenlight the rest of this turd. How do you make a huge Hollywood movie like this with nobody along the way saying, “This ending here. That’s the movie. What’s with all this other stuff that we’ve already seen before?” I guess people instead read the script and gave helpful advice like “How about a scene where a woman pulls a long strand of hair out of her throat? That’s gross, right? Do that!” and “Did you write a scene where the female lead hops around in bed in panties that go right up her ass so that you can see everything? If not, add that! I’d say show her tits too but this is the age of Maxim, not the age of Playboy! And make sure wardrobe only uses tops that keep any signs of nipples from showing! This isn’t your father’s horror movie! No sir!” and “You took the advice of test audience member Akiva Goldsman and got that keyhole jump scare in, right?! Fuck yeah!”

Ugh. You know what I need to do? Go check with Movie Madness and see if they have Rasen, the Japanese film adaptation of Spiral. That shit will probably be insane!

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Seven: "The Marvel-Phile: Building Better Mousetraps — or Better Villains"

The next article by Dale A. Donovan and Steven E. Schend is called "The Marvel-Phile: Building Better Mousetraps — or Better Villains." They decide — against the wisdom of most writing courses I've not taken — to completely throw out their credibility in the second paragraph. "Some of [Marvel's villains], however, verge on being laughable in the light of the modern day. Today, the Fantastic Four battles against Terrax and the Super Skrull, both of whom are great villains." Excuse me. Did you say Super Skrull was a great villain? Tell me again how having the ability to turn one leg invisible while the other one is on fire makes a great super villain? It's also possible that I'm completely judging Super Skrull by the lyrics to Ookla the Mok's song about him. It's possible Dale and Steven know what they're talking about and I'm the one who has no clue!

Dale and Steve have some tips for making memorable villains that your players won't laugh at. If I simply list them, you might find yourself agreeing with them and not thinking they're terrible suggestions. So instead, I'll quote them before acting like they've just written the worst suggestion or paraphrase them so that they sound fucking ridiculous.

Tip #1: "Find a gimmick that's quick, effective, and memorable. People remember Mr. Fear's fear gas." Or Mr. Fist's fist fighting. Or Mr. Murder's murder blade. Or Mr. Amnesia's amnesia bomb. No wait. Nobody remembers that one. Poor example.

Tip #2: Don't make the villain a fatty who can't fight. When Superman punches the villain, the reader shouldn't be thinking, "I hope Superman didn't just commit manslaughter!" Although when Batman does the same thing, the reader should be thinking, "Batman just fucking committed manslaughter!" But it doesn't count as Batman killing somebody if they die from their wounds later because America's healthcare system is terrible and the villain couldn't afford to have his ruptured spleen treated. Batman can't solve all of the world's problems! He's trying to keep Gotham's alleys safe so distracted rich people can walk down them without being murdered.

Tip #3: "Find a distinctive name and look for the crook that people will remember and respect." People remember and respect Mr. Fear because of his fear gas. And his name, probably! This tip is totally different from Tip #1. Don't @ me.

After completely transforming everybody's Marvel Role-playing experiences with these generous tips, Deve and Stale proceed to punch up some of the old, crappy villains from the Marvel Universe. First up is Invincible Man. How the fuck do you punch up Invincible Man?! Make him less invincible so the players don't throw their character sheets in the trash as soon as he turns up in the campaign? No, Dale and Steve are mostly just concerned with how terrible his costume looks to modern eyes. Also they figure, once you've changed the look of the costume, you might as well change the stupid name. So basically they're saying, "Just make another villain. This one is dumb." Thanks, guys!

The next villain looking to be modernized is Porcupine. Since he's dead, Steve-Dale suggest that somebody else use his armor which is a great suggestion! They also believe the name Porcupine is pretty stupid and I agree. But they think changing his name to Spike or Quill would make him more memorable. This article was written in 1992. What fucking comic books were these guys reading?! Obviously the new Porcupine would have to be named Death-Quill or Blood Spike or Genocide or Really Late Term Abortion Provider. It's also strange that Steve-Dale haven't suggested adding more pockets and belts of ammo to the costume.

Finally, Steve-Dale just design a couple new villains as a way to prove that they're better at creating new villains than all the other game referees out there. Why else would they feel they needed to suggest to Marvel Role-playing referees that they can design new villains? Isn't that the whole premise of this game?! Do they think most people purchased this game so they can have a set of canonical rules to determine if Logan's claws really could pierce Steve Rogers' shield? And just in case the players and referees reading this article are really stupid, they remind readers that "these two characters are not part of the Marvel Universe and have no place in official Marvel Comics continuity." How fucking arrogant are these guys?! They believe their creations will be on par with Stan Lee, Steve Ditko, and Jack Kirby and readers will mistake them for official creations? Not that Stan, Steve, or Jack ever created a hero or villain as exciting as any Blood-Whatever or Death-Something that came out of Image in the 90s. Fucking old school hacks! How did they not see the potential of this medium they practically created all of the rules for?! Heroes should be murder monsters! Duh!

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Six: "The Voyage of the Princess Ark, Part 26"

The next article is part 26 of another work of fiction called "The Voyage of the Princess Ark" by Bruce A. Heard. It's written as entries in a diary and is purported to be a means for providing information "to expand D&D campaigns using the Gazetteer series" but I think it's really just a way for Bruce to tell the world about his nightly D&D campaigns. Each entry bored me more than every Dungeons and Dragons Tumblr written by a thirteen year old who believes she and her friends are just the funniest Goddamned people in the world. "So, like, we were on the Princess Ark and everybody was all pouty and bored. But then I was like, 'We should have a party!' It was hilarious! We wore gnome hats and had confetti poppers and I got too tipsy to find my way back to my cabin because I failed a Constitution check! I also failed a Charisma check so I didn't get fucked in the ass.'" Dammit! I was trying to show how boring those D&D Tumblrs are and now I want to go read some because they sound awesome.

It seems the main thrust of this article was to ask Dungeon Masters this question: "Have you ever thought of getting your players' characters drunk so you could force them to role-play hangovers?! It's super hilarious! Imagine all the Wisdom and Intelligence checks they'll have to make due to loud noises! *snort*"

Dragon Magazine #179, Part Five: "Semen"

Occasionally, Dragon Magazine published short stories. This issue features "Moonlight" by Heather Lynn Sarik.

I'll be reading "moonlight" as "semen" for the entirety of this story. "Semen" by Heather Lynn Sarik.

"Lien watched the trickle of distilled semen and tried to hold her anxious breathing to slow, labored gasps. From her vantage point behind a thick shroud of black velvet curtains, she could see the bowed form of the Sky-Watcher, his eyes locked on the glimmering liquid, his hands occasionally reaching out to pat at its ornate quartz receptacle. Silver threads glittered in his black robes as he breathed; upon his tufted white hair sat a wholly ridiculous circlet bearing a stylized cresent [sic] moon as big as Lien's palm."

Come on! Heather was hardly disguising this deviant work of pornography! It's all about two thieves who steal some semen from a monastery so they can sell it. They spend the rest of the story trying to get some unsuspecting idiot to drink their semen to find out if it's magic. The big twist is that even the Sky-Watchers distilling the semen don't know what it does, even though they're practically drowning in the stuff. The sexiest part of the story is when the arrogant rich guy chugs a bunch of the semen because he ate a Periapt of Proof Against Poison. The grossest part of the story is when the thieves spike a stew with the semen and everybody in the tavern gets sick.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought of selling a story where every character was obsessed with semen (so much so that the local monastery was filling their well with the stuff) to a non-semen-aficionado magazine. My first draft of that sentence began "Never would I have thought of writing a story where every character was obsessed with semen," but I realized the inaccuracy of that statement and quickly fixed it.