Justice League America #70 (January 1993)

"Superman is dead. But we can't help making a stupid pun to show how much we don't fucking give a shit."

The best part of this cover is hidden by the special Superman is dead flap. I'm going to show it to you now but I suggest you prepare for boners and/or pelvic moistness.

"The Mourning After" pun probably applies to the pill Beetle's going to have to take after his wild night with Booster.

I just realized I have a newsstand copy of this issue! What the fuck?! Was my comic book store sold out so I had to pick this up at 7-Eleven?! Aside from that question, my other main question has to do with how Booster Gold had a Superman armband prepared to acknowledge Superman's death before even getting Beetle to the hospital after Doomsday kicked the shit out of him. No wait! My brain just answered that question. Booster Gold is from the future. He knew what this day was and had the armband underneath the outfit Doomsday tore off of him.

Maybe everything after last issue kicked off so quickly that nobody had time to get Blue Beetle to the hospital. But that seems weird because there's no way Blue Beetle wasn't on the brink of death after what Doomsday did to him. Even if it was 1% of what he did to Superman, Blue Beetle's entire fucking head should be paste.

The issue begins with the Narrator explaining how people always remember where they were when they heard great leaders were dead to force the reader into trying to remember the moment they read Superman #75. Apparently, the story was a momentous epic.

I guess it was epic if you're a boring twat who thinks long, drawn-out fist fights done in 22 splash pages is epic.

I don't care if you're Superman or Apollo Creed. Dying in a fist fight isn't fucking epic. It's tragic but not in the way "Oh, somebody just died unexpectedly!" is tragic. It's tragic like in "Wait. Somebody got punched in the face a bunch of times and then died? Hilarious." I'm sure plenty of people have had loved ones die from being punched in the face and what I would say to them is this: "Don't tell me the story unless you want me to offend your sensibilities by giggling at the traumatic tale."

"How am I going to look people in the eye when I have to tell them you died from a couple of haymakers? It'd be easier to explain if Lex had done you in with a Kryptonite strap-on!"

Ice makes a huge speech about Superman's sacrifice and how the Justice League failed him while Lois cradles her dead boyfriend in a pile of rubble. Later, Lois will think, "Why was that Ice woman so upset? Was she fucking my dude?!" But that comic book only exists in my dreams. You know how Dream of The Endless has the library of books that never actually existed? My section of DC Comics that I wished had been made would be the most entertaining wing of Dream's fucking domicile.

Welp. There's a couple more never-to-be-published DC comics that I just created in my head. Namely one where Ice was killed by Doomsday and this shot was reversed with Supes crying and Ice's tit out. And also one where Ice falls on his dead body and starts sucking on that nipple like a rabid vampire bat.

Oh shit. I'm supposed to find this shit emotional, right?! I know it's thirty years past the peak emotion of the event and that's probably why I can't take any of Superman's death earnestly or emotionally. But I was probably laughing at this shit 30 years ago as well because I do not have the ability to treat anything as sacred. As far as I can tell, having never had therapy, it stems from one of several possible events: the death of my cat Bozo in which I actually did the thing where I cried for three days straight and swore that I would never love anything again like a fucking cliché character in the worst melodrama imaginable; my mother raising me on horror movies so that I had to bury every single one of my emotions deep enough that I wouldn't be terrified every single minute of every single day; or my father leaving when I was two and being mostly out of my life with rare appearances where he tried to act like a father and, being starved of fatherly affection, I tried to appreciate it until around my 18th birthday when he sobered up because he'd hit rock bottom and, alcoholism being what it is according to AA, cured himself when he was ready, I seethed, unconsciously, for years that "rock bottom" wasn't when he lost his relationship with his children, wasn't enough of a moment for him to "cure" himself by stopping drinking.

Look, I said I haven't had therapy! Saying these things is my therapy!

Guy Gardner shows up to be a sexist jerk to Maxima and she decides it's time to kill him. But shirtless Booster Gold (the best Booster Gold?) breaks up the fight because they need to fly Blue Beetle back to Justice League headquarters in New York and stare at him for three weeks before somebody, probably Bloodwynd, mercifully pulls the plug. Unless Bloodwynd pulls the plug because Blue Beetle knows his secret! Man, that's another comic for the DC dream long box.

Um, Superman?

The doctor declares that Blue Beetle isn't just in a coma, he's in a "very deep coma." The deepest he's ever seen! Practically Stygian! But not only does Beetle suffer from very deep comatitus and swelling of the brain. One of his kidneys has shut down as well! And his liver has been damaged! And all of his bones have been shattered! I'm assuming that last one after seeing what Doomsday did to him combined with the knowledge that Doomsday killed Superman. It's the only thing that makes sense. Somehow Blue Beetle's skin remained intact while everything inside of him was jellified. This may be a comic book but my disbelief can only be suspended so far before the rope snaps, whip-cracking back up into my face and putting me in a very deep coma.

Booster Gold points out he's now powerless since all of his powers came from the futuristic technology built into the suit that Doomsday shredded. His only power now is flight unless Doomsday broke the Legion flight ring as well. But Oberon has some words of wisdom to help Booster get through this crisis!

Um, what? Hopefully he'll expand on how he reached this moral to the tale.

Oberon does not expound on his thoughts and nobody questions his wisdom so I guess I must be the dumb one who doesn't understand how Superman's death teaches us not to quit. I think Superman's death teaches us to think our problems through instead of resorting to violence. Why would Superman have to punch this creature to death? Superman loves throwing things into The Phantom Zone. Superman has a genius "friend" who always has a solution that isn't "kill the son of a bitch" (although that would mean having to deal with that smug Gotham bastard). Superman knows a slew of magic heroes who could have, at the very least, teleported Doomsday to the moon where he could be dealt with after some consultation with other heroes. Superman may have felt pressured into beating the shit out Doomsday but that doesn't mean I have to learn a lesson from the dead jerk's refusal to find another way to stop the rampaging creature. With all of his powers, seems to me like Superman just wasn't thinking!

Just in case, as a reader, you're not on the same page as DC about how important Superman has been to our culture, let Wally West explain it to you:

"Look at all the Earth flags at half-mast. This has affected the universe!" is a thing a great big dumb piece of shit thinks.

Dan Jurgens really doesn't want anybody missing out on how big DC thinks this event should be. Assassination of JFK? As big if not bigger! Death of FDR? Please! So much bigger! This is the kind of fictional event that shakes the very foundations of existence is what DC wants every reader to believe and they have hired Dan Jurgens to write as many hammer-like scenes as he needs to until the reader's head has been so battered about that the reader puts the issue down, concussed by DC propaganda, to weep inconsolably.

I fucking hate my 21 year old self for wanting this event to mean something, for buying into it as some once-in-a-lifetime moment that would rock the way I viewed the world. I thought a boundary was being set up, as great a boundary as the death of the frontier to American history: Superman-time and post-Superman time! I may have lost my innocence some years earlier to a woman who desperately needed to fuck me after she saw me take charge when a tire needed changing and helped to lift a car up enough so a jack could be slid underneath the low frame and then changed the tire as fast as a pit crew at Daytona. But this was even bigger than that! This was huge! Enormous! The Death of Superman! It would affect the entire universe!

At least that's how I felt with all the DC PR leading up to the event. But then I read this shit where Dan Jurgens used the death of Superman as an excuse to jerk off all the readers. My cynicism grew like a cancer! It overtook the earnest innocence existence had yet to strip me of and I exploded into the raging bitter Hulk that I've had to live as ever since. Maybe that's the reason I can't feel anything! It's this fucking comic book! My bitterness and rage have finally come home!

Wally meets up with Booster to rend their garments and gnash their teeth. Aquaman soon joins to point out how his son died and that was nearly as bad. Then Batman and Robin swing in because they lost their parents too! Unless this Robin is Tim Drake (which it totally is. What do you think I am? A comic book newbie?). That bastard has yet to learn anything about grief! And then Hal Jordan arrives! And then Hawkman! Then Starfire and Nightwing!

Yeah, Dick, we know. Are you once again going to tell the story about how you took the name Nightwing from some creature from Krypton Superman told you about?

So many heroes have gathered that it's suddenly like an Irish wake. Or, I mean, any old wake, I guess. Why do the Irish make funerals and wakes more romantic?! I wouldn't even know what a French wake looks like! Except that it probably takes place in a brothel, I'd wager?

Next to show up are Alan Scott, Jay Garrick, Ralph Dibny, and Power Girl. I don't know what name she was using in 1992 other than Kara. Kara El? Karen Starr? Kara Arion? After that, Wonder Woman, Green Arrow, and Black Canary stop by. I wonder how many have come to pay their respects and how many were forced to show by their agents? Even Etrigan shows up!

Read the fucking room, Etrigan!

Etrigan! What a fucking Chad! Shows up to a gathering to mourn Superman and is all, "I want to mourn Doomsday!" I'm going to read it that way even if Etrigan meant it another way. I can't tell if he's being earnest, cryptic, or Dan Jurgens didn't control his thoughts well enough and spent all of his poetic import on the rhyme.

Oberon arrives to pass out black armbands with Superman's logo on them as if he were prepared for this eventuality. My guess is that before Batman arrived, he stopped by to give the box of armbands to Oberon. Alfred had certainly been commissioned to create these for the eventuality that Batman would have to kill Superman.

Everybody puts on their Superman armbands and looks sad while Batman is all, "A gesture more eloquent than any words could ever be, Oberon." Oh yeah. That proves it. These were Batman's armbands.

Being that Brian Augustyn is the editor of this comic, he has his monthly character fly by to judge the heroes.

Black Condor has learned the real lesson of Superman's death: don't fucking put yourself in harm's way, Goddammit.

The issue ends with Booster Gold crying on Blue Beetle's squishy chest. I mean, there's also a moment where Guy Gardner gives in, puts on an armband, and admits that Superman was maybe a little better at heroing than he was. But I like to think that was some delusion of Blue Beetle's, maybe a death dream or something. The real Guy Gardner would have flown over the ice sculpture Superman Ice created and piss on it until it melted. Hmm, that's one more dream comic book for the dream library!

Justice League America #70 Rating: A. It was melodramatic at times but, overall, it was an emotionally well-handled wake for Superman. I think. What do I know about emotion? One page had Fire, in her new skimpy costume, consoling Ice and I didn't think, "Oh, this is so sweet and heartbreaking! They're such good friends!" Instead, I just thought, "Kiss!" But worse! Not one cup worse! Less vulgar than that but maybe a bit more vulgar than a Skinimax flick. I also thought the same thing in the final scene where Booster Gold was basically lying on top of Blue Beetle! Anyway, Superman is dead. Long live Superman! Or something. Who cares? Fuck Kal-El.

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Justice League Europe #45 (December 1992)

Ha ha ha! Rocket Red taking out The Flash. Fucking comic books, man.

We are solidly in the early '90s era of the Justice League that I have absolutely no memory of. After Breakdowns, my interest levels for the series plummeted exponentially. Or whatever the opposite of that is. Logarithmically? Being that it's still 1992, I can't blame my flagging interest on having been overtaken by my other '90s obsessions, Sailor Moon and Magic the Gathering. My guess is that the comics that would eventually turn into the DC Vertigo line at the beginning of 1993 were taking over my brain and evicting any stories with Blue Beetle or Arsenal. You have to marvel at the brain's ability to defend itself from intense trauma that could cause considerable pain lasting for decades. My inability to remember any Arsenal story I read in the past has saved me so much grief. Also, I stopped reading The Titans when Arsenal became the leader so my brain wasn't working at just a subconscious back-up level. It was advising me to take the necessary steps to improve my life as well as blocking out the stuff I didn't act on fast enough. That explains why this "Red Winter" story arc pretty much ends my run with Justice League Europe and also why I have completely forgotten it.

I don't know Cyrillic and can't speak Russian but Gerard Jones knows both even less than I do. Maybe I shouldn't blame Gerard Jones for the "Я" on the cover. That would be like blaming the script writer every time an artist places the pips on a die wrong, or a colorist fucks up the American flag (they probably fuck up other flags all the time too but, being American, how would I know when another flag has been colored wrong?!). And, sure, I get that it's a design choice and nobody expects me to read "ЯED WINTER" by pronouncing the "Я" in Russian and the rest of the word in English! If they did want me to pronounce "Red Winter" as it would be pronounced in English but begin with basically the correct phonetic sound, the cover would read "РED WINTER" and that wouldn't suggest anything to anybody! It would just look like somebody completely fucked up. So maybe I should stop trying to sound smart and acting like a Goddamned pedant and just realize that the whole "Я" thing was a shortcut for readers to go, "Oh! Backwards R! That's like Communist crap, right?!"

The story begins with the Яocket Яed Brigade attacking and taking over an old Soviet base located in Ukraine. Is this where Putin got his idea for his shit invasion?! I mean, of course it isn't! But any time I read or watch something that reminds me of something that happened in the real world, I don't automatically think it's predictive programming like all the hoople-headed conspiracy theorists who somehow don't understand how fiction, especially science fiction, works. But I do remember the time I saw The Matrix in the theaters and a woman next to me exploded into tears when Neo, in his leather trench coat, stormed that office building by killing loads and loads of people with guns. She was all, "Is this where they got the idea?!" "They" being Dylan Klebold and that other dumb dumb, the Columbine massacre jerks. Often times, lady from 25 years ago, things happen in fiction that remind you of things that happened in reality and vice versa. Most of the time, they have no connection to each other. Bajillions of interactions are happening on this planet every fucking minute. We can only take note of a scant few of those interactions. And sometimes, two of those interactions seem suspiciously reminiscent of each other. But just think if you could perceives all of the interactions! Maybe coincidences would be less spooky if every time something happened, you would be all, "Ho hum. That reminds me of ten million other things that happened thirty seconds ago."

Justice League Europe can't help with the situation because Russia is all, "A-ha! You are Justice League Europe! And Russia is only partially in Europe! So even though Justice League America pokes their noses into everybody's business all over the world, we don't think you should! So stay out of Ukraine, buddy! Or, being 1992, should I say, 'Stay out of The Ukraine, buuuuuuuu-dddy!'?"

Aquaman steeples his fingers and says, "Bureaucracy makes the world go round."

I don't remember this version of Aquaman. I remember when they gave him long hair and a hook for a hand and a rage he couldn't control to try to make him more appealing. But I don't remember when DC thought, "You know who everybody finds really boring and sad? Aquaman! Do you think he'd be more appealing if he were a fan of pushing pencils and slowing down progress?" I don't know why they never went with my idea to make Aquaman more interesting: a guy who fucks dolphins and loves to brag about how many dolphins he's fucked.

Oh, I just realized why I find my version of Aquaman so appealing: it's basically Lobo and his space dolphins!

Power Girl angrily suggests they don't have to just sit around. Still hitting the Diet Coke, I see. She slams the table to emphasize her point and it doesn't break because it's haunted. She suggests they contact Dmitri, their Яocket Яed friend. Since he's Ukrainian, they figure he must know what's going on! Which is perfect Aristotelian logic! Obviously a citizen of a country being invaded by another country must know the reasons why they're being invaded! I can't even counter that kind of perfect argument!

Hal figures the only problem might be breaching international law by going into a sovereign country as the Justice League without permission. But one member of the crew has a solution!

"This mission will involve so much paperwork, I might sire a new Atlantean prince with my pants!"

I apologize to anybody who only reads my reviews for the pictures. Two panels scanned and both with mediocre drawings of Aquaman being more boring than usual.

Being a bureaucratic solution, Aquaman's plan will take a few weeks to get going. He has to go back to Atlantis, send out communications to Russia, hire aids, book travel, fuck some dolphins. At least he'll have Power Girl's help because he's asked her to come along as his partner, being that she's Atlantean and she has big tits.

After that's settled, some Modorans crash their sonic ship on the roof of the castle and are nearly killed by Power Girl. Partially because she's hopped up on Diet soda but more partially because they interrupted Aquaman complimenting her on her heroic abilities and big tits. Modora is the DC equivalent to Marvel's Latveria if you've taken a huge blow to the head and believe Sonar is as powerful or interesting as Doctor Doom.

We also learn Doctor Light gets high but she doesn't finish telling us what strain of weed makes her so giddy.

I would probably smoke weed except I can't stand people who smoke weed. Personally, I can't stand anybody who decides one activity they love should become their entire personality. We get it. You get stoned constantly. Wow. Maybe they instantly make friends with other people who smoke weed because they realize nobody else wants to hear them talk about all the weed they smoked lately. The only two groups of people who are worse are vapers and dog owners. Poor fucking dogs. Being loved by the absolutely worst people.

My apologies to my friends and family who own and love dogs. I'm sorry you had to hear how awful you are through this medium. Who am I kidding? The last people who would read this blog are my friends and family!

The Modorans have come to ask Sue and Ralph to come back with them for a visit to their newly free Modora, since Sue and Ralph helped kick Sonar out of the country in a 1992 Elongated Man mini-series. It's weird that I own that series because I don't like Ralph Dibny at all. It's also not weird that I own that series because I think Sue Dibny is adorable.

Unbeknownst to anybody but Sonar and a Яocket Яed, a trap has been set for Sue and Ralph. Apparently Sonar wasn't as defeated as everybody thought he was.

Crimson Fox hates this new outfit but I'm guessing the letters pages will soon be full of angry nerds despondent over her not choosing it.

Crimson Fox chooses not to wear the sexiest outfit to her date with Metamorpho for some reason. Perhaps she's a little bit scared of giving him an erection. He might ejaculate mustard gas.

Later that evening, just Flash and Doctor Light are left in the castle. Hal went to Oa, Aquaman and Power Girl are busy triplicating diplomatic forms, Crimson Fox has gone on a date, and Sue and Ralph have been politely kidnapped by the Modorans. Dmitri wanders in without setting off any alarms or dealing with any kind of security at all. Which you're probably thinking, "Why would he? He's their friend!" But don't you remember the cover?! That wasn't any old Яocket Яed! That was Dmitri! And he's become a huge fucking dick! Unless he's just being mind-controlled by Sonar because that sounds like the kind of thing you can explain with sound waves in a comic book. Whatever the case, he knocks Doctor Light and The Flash unconscious. But what he's going to do with them will have to wait until next month. Or the month after. Or the month after that. This is a six part story remember!

Justice League Europe #45 Rating: B. Everything moved along at just the right pace for the first part of a six issue story. The reader has been left in the dark for the most part which is fair since even the Justice League doesn't quite know what's happening. And then there's the big twist surprise ending that was only really a twist surprise ending if you managed to read the story without ever glancing at the cover! Readers are left thinking, "What?! Another traitorous Яocket Яed?! Is Dmitri another Manhunter?! Is this yet another derivative Gerard Jones story that's sort of been told before?! Am I really going to have to read six full issues where the antagonists are Sonar and Яocket Яed?!" If I had been smarter at 21 years old, I also would have asked, and answered in the affirmative, "Should I just stop reading this comic book now instead of wasting my money on five more issues of a Sonar/Яocket Яed team-up?!" Instead, that stupid 21 year old me finished out this story before dropping this book. What a naïve idiot I was!

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Justice League America #69 (December 1992)

Nice!

I don't mind so much that Doomsday has just punched Blue Beetle to death on this cover even though that never happens. What I really mind is Bloodwynd's atrophied baby legs due to Dan Jurgens' particular foreshortening style. He just can't stop with that one leg bent so the thigh looks huge but everything below the knee sort of trails off into a withered appendage thing. Fire's butt and feet look so great though that I don't even care what happened to Booster's bottom half. My guess is Doomsday ripped him in two just before this cover was drawn.

The first page begins in the middle of the story with a helpful sales pitch from the editor.

Fuck you.

Sure, I act tough now, 30 years later! But I bet back in 1992, I was all, "Yes sir! Right away sir! I don't want to miss any of this spectacular story about the space man who punches Superman to death!" It would suck to get this comic book home, sit down to read it, and then see this message. Then you'd have to haul your ass all the way back to the comic book store and hope they still had a copy of Man of Steel #18. The clerk at my local comic book store at the time (Jeff of Brian's Books, probably on El Camino at the time in Santa Clara (don't dox me with all of this pertinent yet out of date information!) probably informed me that I should get Man of Steel #18 if I wanted the whole Death of Superman thing. I know he held a copy of the Death of Superman without me even asking! I think he idolized me. I miss him so much!

Too bad I don't know how to organize my comic books or else I would be reading Man of Steel #18 instead of replying, "Fuck you," to a comic book. If I had to guess, I'd say I didn't own Man of Steel #18 because I've already done a review of Man of Steel #30. And any rational being would assume that all of my Man of Steel comic books would have been packed away together. There's still some hope that eventually I'll read the first part of this story because my comic book organizing skills have nothing at all to do with rationality.

The Justice League are currently in Ohio putting out fires and rescuing people from the rampage of some space monster.

Outside their jurisdiction? I thought Ohio was in America? I'm fucking suing my elementary school.

I'm not actually going to sue my elementary school. Not because I don't think I have a case but because my elementary school was run by Satanists and I fear them. I could repeat all of my evidence here and risk awaking their wrath or, if you're curious, just search my blog for Haman Elementary. Your mind will be blown! Or not. I'm kind of an unreliable narrator.

Cat Grant has a nationally televised talk show which must air live because while the Justice League begin tracking Doomsday, Superman is busy appearing on the show.

That's a fucking dig at Batman, isn't it?

Maxima reaches out with her mind to find the creature and makes contact. She says, "He's hate, death, and blood lust personified. Nothing more." Also, let's assume she realizes its name is Doomsday so I can just start calling it Doomsday for the rest of this post, even if it's still just dressed in a body bag with goggles.

Nothing more? He's laughing joyfully here!

I guess if you're hate, death, and blood lust personified, those are the three things that bring you joy. So you probably wouldn't ever be called joyful or happy just because killing something or destroying a small town makes you laugh uproariously. But still. Some people never find the kind of joy that Doomsday experiences while breaking the neck of a deer! I'm a little bit envious.

Doomsday notices Beetle's bug following his trail of death and destruction and hurls a massive tree at it. The tree demolishes the Bug, sending everybody hurtling to the ground. The non-flyers are saved by the people who most want to fuck them.

This shot of Ice's half-top riding up exemplifies why Ice's costume is one of my favorites.

Meanwhile on Cat Grant's show, Superman spends three-quarters of the interview denying that he's the leader of the Justice League. "We're all equal!" he lies through his fat alien teeth. "They were an experienced and successful team long before I joined," he says, grimacing from the pain of becoming a liar on national television. "Can we please talk about something less embarrassing?" he says, "Like Lex Luthor's massive dong?"

Back in Ohio:

How can I find rekindle this kind of pure joy in my life?! Fucking Doomsday lives, loves, and laughs better than I do.

I can't remember the last time I experienced the kind of joy Doomsday has experienced twice in this comic book. To be fair to me, I have never tried strangling a deer with my bare hands or causing a multi-car pile-up on the freeway. There might be some hidden joys yet lurking in the depths of my being!

Guy Gardner's the first Leaguer to catch up to Doomsday and gets his ass handed to him in five panels. He's only saved because Fire comes to his rescue to distract Doomsday. If Guy were still a Green Lantern, the ring would have protected him from the brunt of Doomsday's physical assault. But the yellow ring from Qward has a more Libertarian attitude. Why the fuck should it protect Guy when he gets in over his head? Fucker brought it on himself! If Guy chose some stupid cowboy boots without bootstraps to pull himself up by, that's his own damn lazy-ass fault.

Bloodwynd punches Doomsday and Doomsday doesn't even say, "I actually felt that!" Instead he just punches the fuck out of Bloodwynd and laughs and laughs and laughs. He's having such a good time here on Earth! For once in his life, he's feeling the joy of living! Why would the Justice League and Superman want to take that away from him? Do you think Superman got killed by Doomsday on purpose? Because Superman is just that good? He just wanted Doomsday to experience one brief moment of all-consuming joy before Doomsday also died from his injuries?

Back at the television studio, some high schoolers in the audience get to ask Superman some questions.

That's a fucking super villain question. Even Cat thinks she's sus. Somebody arrest this girl.

Bloodwynd gets knocked into a storage vat full of oil which ignites all around him. Blue Beetle rushes in to help him without realizing that Bloodwynd actually needs fucking help this time. He comes upon Bloodwynd and thinks, "Of course! That's who Bloodwynd really is!" But before he can let the readers see who Bloodwynd actually is, Doomsday tears off his head, killing him.

I heard you can say up to nine words once you're decapitated. Mine would be, "Hey body! I'm over here! Put me back on!" But my body wouldn't because it doesn't have any ears.

Obviously Blue Beetle didn't really get decapitated. But who cares? Look at what Doomsday just did to a person without any super powers at all! The fucker might as well have had his head torn off. He's definitely only got seconds left to live anyway!

Bloodwynd somehow makes it out of the fire and back in his proper disguise just in time for Doomsday to grab his ankle and slam him into Maxima. Ice reports that Blue Beetle is probably dead and Booster Gold loses his shit. Back at the studio, Superman is all, "Violence is the price we pay to accomplish a greater good!" Sounds like fascist talk to me! But at least Superman means the heroes must pay the price and, sometimes, even lose their lives due to the violence. That sentiment is way better than when some leader demanding civilians pay the price for some abstract bullshit behind-the-scenes goal to make them and their buddies even richer than they already are! And Superman is about to prove his point in a month or two! Good for him, dying like he promised! Fucking Jesus, he is.

Superman hears news reports of the battle and flies off to get his ass killed. I know I have that issue somewhere but, once again, I'll have to read it out of order whenever I dig it out of a short box. Just know, if you hadn't heard, Doomsday kicks his ass and kills him by the time the next issue of Justice League America came out.

Justice League America #69 Rating: B. Doomsday really just does what ever other super villain does at the beginning of any story arc: he kicks major ass and the heroes are left bewildered and confused. But Jurgens wants readers to know it's different this time! So everybody who hits Doomsday says something like, "How is he still standing after my most powerful shot?!" And everybody who gets hit by Doomsday says, "I'm dead and/or close to dead! Owie!" Plus the DC Comics PR machine was really ramped up around this time and everybody knew the Death of Superman was on the way. So I guess it felt different even though it was just some weirdo in a green space suit with sharp bony knuckles on his fist. A lot of people were all, "Wait. This idiot is going to kill Superman?" But then I bet once he lost the suit and became the Doomsday everybody pictures, readers were all, "Holy shit! That guy looks almost as cool and dangerous as Lobo! Superman is in trouble!"

Remember when Hitman defeated Lobo by getting him drunk and then having Bueno Excellente rape him and they took photos to blackmail Lobo to leave Earth? They should have used that plan for Doomsday! I bet Bueno Excellente would have been all in on that!

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Justice League Europe #44 (November 1992)

Look, we all know the guy in the armor is an old white real estate speculator who never had time for a wife.

Nothing about this cover makes sense. Why is Elongated Man using a magnifying glass to read a book? How does the ghost knight think he's going to harm Mr. Rubber with that poleaxe? And why did he have to get so close with it? Why is Hal Jordan running forward instead of just using his ring from the stairs? Why was Power Girl loitering in the dark stairwell with Hal Jordan?

I suppose all of those questions are really easy to answer because I'm not very good at trying to make a cover that makes perfect sense not make any sense. Obviously Hal Jordan isn't using his ring because the yellow torchlight reflecting off the armor makes it immune to his ring. And have you ever tried to read the writing in an old English book? Obviously you need a magnifying glass! And I'm betting Elongated Man can be harmed by a slashing weapon if it's sharp enough. And he got in close and choked up on the handle for a more accurate and powerful blow. And, lastly, Power Girl was giving Hal a blow job.

Now that I've answered all the stupid questions I pretended I had with this cover, I'll apologize to Ron and Randy. Your cover has no flaws. A+ effort.

At the end of the last issue, Amos Fortune used the probability of the Chunnel collapsing to win the biggest longshot in horse racing history. Scientifically speaking, this meant the Chunnel had to collapse, luck being a zero sum resource in the universe. Now the Justice League have to rescue all the construction workers digging the Chunnel without any indication that some villainous probability witch has caused this accident. I have no idea how they'll discover this was caused by a probability manipulation machine. I think Amos Fortune just got away with the perfect crime! No wait. I bet somebody will review a bunch of CCTV footage from all three "maritime" accidents and they'll recognize Amos Fortune with facial recognition software. Or whatever the 1992 version of those technologies is. Probably Sue spending fifteen hours reviewing a bunch of grainy black and white footage from security cameras on nearby fish and chips shops.

While the Justice League keep the Chunnel from collapsing and flooding the city, Sue Dibny questions the construction workers. Here how she questions them:

Sue: "I heard the Chunnel was perfectly safe. Lies!"
Construction Worker: "There was an earthquake!"
Sue: "And you didn't protect against that? Lazy!"
Construction Worker: "We did! But there's only so much you can prepare for!"
Sue: "Liar! All lies! No villainy here! Just incompetence!"

After this guy explains it all so logically and mathematically, Sue becomes suspicious!

Of course Sue is suspicious! If an event was improbable but it still happens, it must have been caused by nefarious agents! That's just logic! Mostly TikTok and YouTube logic, really. But still logical!

Is Sue going to follow up on the other recent "maritime" disasters and discover the odds of a pier collapsing and a casino boat sinking were astronomically against those events. That'll prove somebody is behind this. Or maybe she won't think about this conversation again until the tidal wave is about to wipe out London which is when she'll be all, "This reminds me of that dock worker who was really in probability! Maybe he was the actuary for the construction business's insurance company? Anyway, he said a tidal wave was so improbable that if one occurred, it would be super suspicious!"

You can tell Gerard Jones shoved in Sue's conversation because he was desperately thinking the same thing I was while reading last issue: how the fuck are the Justice League going to determine that these accidents were caused maliciously?! That question, many of you may already have noticed, just proves how truly ignorant I am of the DC Universe and the amazing detective abilities of characters like Batman, The Elongated Man, and Detective Chimp. Because it takes almost no time for everybody to put all of the pieces together.

So Amos Fortune's big mistake was doing all of his crimes near water?

I wouldn't blame Amos Fortune for this mistake of his. How could he have known that a collapsing pier, a sinking gambling ship, and the collapse of the Chunnel would all be reported by the BBC as "maritime disasters"? Even I, the smartest dumb guy in the world, would never have jumped to that conclusion! I'm surprised the collapsing pier even made the news! I was once canoeing somewhere in Northern California and we stopped at a little pier near a trailer park which had a small shop where we'd buy a bunch of Hostess pies to go with our cooler full of cheap beer. My friend Joseph came running down the hill and out onto the pier and crashed right through it. That didn't make the news! But then he also, luckily, didn't suffer any injuries like a pierced testicle or a different pierced testicle (no pun intended. If you can't find the pun, "pier" and "pierced"!). Which makes me believe those craps playing fishermen all died horribly in the accident.

That part about me being ignorant of the DC Universe mostly stems from the fact I didn't realize Amos Fortune was one of the Justice League's past nemeses. He should probably change his name if Hal Jordan is able to make the leap of logic between the "misfortunes" he causes and his name "Fortune." Why not Amos Notguilty? Unless that would just end in somebody saying, "Who could be guilty of this crime?" And then Hal Jordan would be all, "Or not guilty! Amos Notguilty!" Perhaps maybe just Amos Daisy then.

King Aquaman basically gloating over some enemy being piss poor.

Aquaman's argument that he was left in poverty ignores that Amos Fortune was a scientist that developed the technology to steal luck. It's probably been like thirty years since you went up against this guy, based on how boring and lame he is. He's had plenty of time to reinvent his wheel of fortune. But then, as royalty, his perspective on poverty has been skewed by years of being super rich and powerful.

The Justice League determine that Amos is escalating his gambling. So after a shitty little craps game, he bankrupts a floating casino playing blackjack. After that, he wins huge at the races. They all agree the only way he can escalate this any further is by going to Monte Carlo. My stupid brain wants to complain about this series of events but I'm finally getting a comic book story where the villain isn't actively bothering the heroes while also trying to commit his crimes unnoticed. And the Justice League have to use their heads to figure out where to find him and how to stop him. This issue is a huge fucking anomaly in comic books by 1992! Unless you were reading Shadow of the Bat. I think that one tried to be more "detective" based too. Or it was just Zzasz murdering Gothamites like crazy and Batman going, "I have to catch but not kill this maniac somehow!"

Amos Fortune arrives in Monte Carlo to place his millions of dollars in horserace winnings on "the famous roulette wheels of Monte Carlo." What makes them famous is how they'll accept any size bet, I think. Because why would roulette wheels be more famous just because they were in Monte Carlo? Because they had a cameo in a James Bond film? If he went to Las Vegas, he'd probably have to make dozens of smaller bets and then people would get suspicious if he kept winning every spin. Also the casino owners in Las Vegas would have him killed and buried in the desert the first time they saw him win four spins in a row at the maximum bet size. In Monte Carlo, they'll let any old idiot bet millions on one spin of roulette because the odds are so crazy that it's practically robbing the casino patron. And also they probably have billions of Monégasque francs in gold bars locked up in the basement. So who cares if one gambler in millions wins one big hit on their wheels? But also, they probably murder winners and dump them in the Mediterranean all the time.

"Your luck is magnificent, sir! But you shall not live to see morning!"

Amos Fortune's metaphor of luck being somebody ruining a toilet bowl with massive diarrhea has made him my favorite Justice League villain of all time. Even if it's only in my head that the metaphor was about shitting your guts out. Part of me understands he's talking about a tidal wave of water and not liquid shit. But I hate that part of me and I will fight against it until the day I die.

The Justice League phase through the wall on Lantern-created Pegasi like Valkyries descending on whatever Valkyries typically descend on. Cowardly Vikings? Brave Vikings? Anybody who isn't a Viking? Maybe I should learn more about Norse mythology before I try to make a Valkyrie analogy. The casino staff are all, "No no no! Do not start a fight in here! You can't afford the clean up, you American jerks!" But Hal Jordan is all, "We will not destroy your casino if Amos Fortune goes with us." And Amos Fortune is all, "Why should I, you stupid fucks? I'm gambling legally! All of my money on Black 13!"

Oh, well, when you explain it all away so scientifically, I guess you're in the clear, Amos! Good work! Carry on destroying everything to line your own pockets.

Dammit! Now I have to weigh Amos's pureblooded capitalism against the fact he made a metaphor that I pretended was better than it was to decide if I like him or not! Okay, so that isn't the Sophie's choice it sounded like in my head as I began writing it. The shit metaphor was all mine! Why am I giving that to Amos or Gerard Jones?! Obviously Amos Fortune is a fucking piece of shit. Just another typical billionaire who thinks the consequences of his disastrous way of life aren't any of his responsibility and should absolutely be paid with the lives of the less wealthy. He doesn't even realize he's confessing to malicious intent! He just thinks, "Oh, that's the way the economy works and I'm taking advantage of it. Nothing to do with me and my responsibilities! Go bother a real criminal, like a shoplifter or a desperate poor person breaking a window and stealing some bishop's bread."

The Flash, Power Girl, Elongated Man, and Doctor Light do not appreciate Amos taunting them with his logic so they trample the casino staff as they go to take him down. But he's already made the bet! If that wheel gets spun, it'll be the end of the world! I mean the end of the world for all the people who die in the tidal wave. That's how life works. You don't actually die alone. You take the whole fucking shebang with you. Philosophically, I mean. You know what I mean, right? I'm not talking to a bunch of ignorant dolts, am I? AM I?!

None of the heroes think, "I need to stop the ball from landing on a number in the roulette wheel!" Instead they all think, "I want to punch Amos Fortune in his smug face!" It's also possible that none of them could stop it because the bad luck already generated by Amos in the casino causes the Justice League to fall all over each other. Even Hal Jordan gets brained by a yellow chandelier that he has time to watch fall on his head while saying, "Yellow. What rotten luck," instead of, you know, grabbing a nearby green felt table and holding it over his head like Guy Gardner would have thought to do. So the ball lands in Black 13 and the entire casino begins to shake. Looks like a bunch of people are about to get thoroughly fucked by yet another rich asshole.

You know what? All the people about to die in Monte Carlo to this tidal wave are mostly rich assholes! So I'm not going to feel bad for those guys dying. But I will mourn the cabbies and doormen and bussers and maids.

Aquaman dives in the sea and talks to a dolphin who is all, "Yeah, this is gonna be a huge wave, buddy!" Which leaves it up to Hal Jordan to stop the tidal wave. But he's still dizzy from the chandelier! What kind of hero loses all of their power from a '40s slapstick movie accident?

Enh. What was he going to do anyway? Create a giant boxing glove so he could punch it?

Hal's idea to stop the wave is to put Amos Fortune in the path of the wave. That way all the good luck he's generated should cancel out the bad luck of drowning in a tidal wave. It works, creating another tidal wave going in the opposite direction which totally makes scientific sense so I won't even question it! The only problem (and it's only a problem for Amos) is that after using the luck to win and then also using the luck to save his own life to stop all of the bad luck, his Probability Machine short circuits and it's back to wandering around in poverty. The Justice League don't allow him to cash in the chips he won. They just haul him off to punish him. But I don't think he really broke any laws so I assume they're taking him to Superman so he can throw him into the Phantom Zone.

See this? There's a reason I'm constantly pointing out that Hal Jordan's go-to move is to smash people in the jaw.

Fucking Hal. Calling himself a "great one." But isn't Amos Fortune the epitome of somebody making their own luck? Is he great too, Hal? IS HE?!

Justice League Europe #44 Rating: A-. I have to give this issue credit for telling a story of a villain committing a "crime" which the Justice League actually had to figure out themselves. It's a rarity in comic books and I don't know who is to blame for basing most super hero comic book plots on villains attacking the heroes instead of heroes stopping villains from committing crimes. If I had to pull a random theory out of my ass, I'd blame it on the X-men comics. Because the X-men, ultimately, is about a school where mutants can find a safe haven from the bigotry of the world. But they have to keep defending themselves against that bigotry played out in a metaphor of super villain on super hero violence. And it was so successful, that DC began trying to emulate it. This is most notable in The New Titans where they rarely, if ever, actually battle to save the world from a threat that wasn't first and foremost a threat against one of their members. I didn't remember how much the Justice League comics pull from this wheelhouse until this re-read. But things like Despero attacking them specifically. Or Max Lord hiring the Royal Flush gang to attack. Or Dreamweaver of The Extremists trying to get revenge after the first defeat. There are others but my memory is a fucking sieve and my head is hurting trying to remember any of this re-read (which began like three years ago? What the fuck have I been doing?! Oh yeah! I read Gravity's Rainbow 2-3 times and Alan Moore's Jerusalem twice!). And even though I should take a few grades off because that cover had absolutely nothing to do with the story, I'm deciding not to be petty today.

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Justice League America #68 (November 1992)

This alien is me as a kid when my mother would pick boogers out of my nose.

Just to be clear: Superman isn't an Earthling. If he were an Earthling, which I'm sure he desperately wants to be seen as, he wouldn't be Superman. I sort of feel like a wanna-be-seen-as-edgy comedian doing jokes about trans people pointing that out! Is it wrong to clarify that Superman is a Kryptonian living on Earth? Or that while Earth is his adopted planet and he has Earthling parents, that still doesn't make him an Earthling? I'm not trying to be an asshole about this! I'm just being an Actually Nerd!

Oh wait. Yep. Just realized it. Most Actually Nerds are assholes. Sorry! Superman can be an Earthling if he wants to be an Earthling! He's just, like, a magic Earthling or something.

As I pointed out, that alien's response was probably a lot like mine as a kid because it looks like Superman and Guy are stealing his boogers. But they're actually stealing his kidnapped people. So the caption could have read, "This alien is Jeffrey Dahmer when the cops were pulling the corpses out of his fridge." I guess that also makes me sound like a wanna-be-seen-as-edgy comedian but I was just relaying my brain's thoughts as they processed the cover. The Dahmer and booger lines were adapted from my absolute first thought which I thought probably shouldn't be expressed: "So if the cops started pulling the children's bodies out of my basement, I could be all, 'What are you doing with my property?!'"

I first learned what an Edgelord was by somebody many years ago reading my New 52 reviews and calling me one. I'd like to point out that an Edgelord is somebody who tries to come up with the most offensive statements they can. That's different from a person whose brain won't stop immediately thinking the most offensive statements possible! I suppose I could not write down what my brain thinks. But what kind of world is that? Where I have to hide my most secret self? Wait. Is that why so many people seem so normal? Because they actually learned, early on, to hide their most secret self?! Is that what I've been doing wrong for the last fifty years?! Fuck. At what age can I apply for a do-over?

This issue begins with Guy Gardner Kaijuing up Metropolis as he looks for Superman.

More about my secret self: as soon as I typed the word "Kaiju," my brain thought, "I wonder what Godzilla's dick looks like?" Seriously. Fuck this brain. I used to think it was exceptional!

Oh no! I went to scan that previous image and the cover came off my comic book! It's like the staples just decided to stop holding onto it! In all the years I've been collecting comic books, and subsequently scanning them, that's never happened! I...I...I think I might be traumatized!

Guy is looking for Superman because Fire, Bloodwynd, Beetle, and Booster have gone missing. I'm not sure how they've gone missing since everybody at NASA, where they were all headed, know exactly where they are! They're on that huge ship that entered Earth's atmosphere following the space shuttle. How has nobody else at Justice League Headquarters heard about this? Either they need to hire some high school students named Zan and Jayna to do monitor duty 24/7 or Dan Jurgens needs to become a better writer.

Oh, by the way: Guy Gardner can't find Superman because Supes refuses to wear a Justice League signaling device and because nobody knows his secret identity. Guy's plan to just yell until Superman hears him seems like a smart plan. It's probably why Superman doesn't wear a signaling device. He's got super hearing! He can hear everybody else's signaling devices when they go off. He can also hear every time Lois Lane rubs one out so I'm not sure why Clark Kent doesn't have a massive indestructible boner 50% of the time he's on-panel.

I thought Maxima was from Almerac, not Dagobah.

Please don't leave a comment about how Maxima's words would be in a different order if she were actually speaking like Yoda. Remember what I think of Actually Nerds, you fucking asshole.

A man wearing a tie with a breakfast food motif is questioning somebody else's class?

I'm not even sure why Superman would be judging other people in this way. Shouldn't he be a huge fan of corn dogs, having grown up in Smallville where he probably went to fifteen different county fairs every year? Is he pissing all over Ma and Pa Kent's culture with this derogatory corn dog remark?! Am I just reading too much into it? Probably because I was instantly offended when Superman casually mentioned that corn dogs were low class trash food and Guy Gardner was on par with that. Remember when the Cosby Kids would insult each other? They were always saying shit like, "You're like that day the teacher's union decided to go on strike to fight against a system that doesn't appreciate any of the work they do. No class!" I'm glad I lived in a time where I could watch Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids without having to think, "Are they all rapists or just Brother Bill?"

Superman, always believing he's the most righteous and correct and morally upstanding Earthling on Earth, threatens to destroy Guy's ring if he ever calls him out like that again. Guy is all, "Fuck you, dude. How are we supposed to get in touch with you when you won't wear a patented Blue Beetle Signaling Device and Tracker?" And Ice is all, "Yeah, Superman! Guy makes a good point!" So then Superman does this:

Not speaking for one panel doesn't mean Superman is considering Ice's words. It means he's as fucking angry as he's ever been.

Some people might read the previous two panels and think, "Look at what a great guy Superman is! He's actually considering somebody else's argument and changing his opinion and demeanor based on the logic of it instead of punching Guy in the face! What a hero!" But being a seriously flawed person myself, I know exactly what that silent panel indicates and it has nothing to do with Superman being a hero. He's definitely trying not to flash fry everybody in the immediate area with his heat vision simply because they've put him in his place. He can't even bring himself to smile cordially in the second panel!

Max Lord reveals that not only have the away team gone missing, everybody at Edwards Air Force base has disappeared. Okay, fine! I guess that's why nobody knows what happened to the Justice League. Obviously once a massive alien ship disappears after entering Earth's atmosphere, everybody who might have noticed it automatically forgets about it. Because no way only the people at Edwards Air Force base noticed that thing. It was huge!

Max also reveals that he still has his powers of mind control (which he calls "mental persuasion" so that it sounds less diabolic and rapey). I thought he lost those after the coma but that was also when Giffen and DeMatteis were writing. I can't blame Dan Jurgens for remembering everything that happened in the previous writers' run. Also, I could be wrong. I'll allow for that to be a possibility. This time!

Superman, Guy Gardner, Ice, and Maxima arrive at Edwards to investigate the disappearance.

I would have phrased this, "Doughnuts half not eaten, cups of coffee half empty, equipment not turned off." But then, I'm a cynical realist.

During their investigation, Maxima discovers some disgusting slime on the wall and the first thing she does is put her face really close to it and touch it. She's definitely never lived with a male teenager. My guess is the first time a mother picks up a crusty hand towel or a wad of sticky tissue, she never again sets foot in his room. Does she also lose all respect for him or does she glow with pride that he's becoming a disgusting man?

It's 1992, Superman. Learn how to use a fucking computer, you ignorant Boomer.

Ice has no power that would help with reconnoitering the area and she also can't fly so Superman tells her to stay behind as the others fly around searching the area. While she has nothing to do, she thinks about how she wants to fuck Superman but the only person who seems to want to fuck her is Guy Gardner. She realizes a relationship probably takes a bit more than one party being interested in tapping her ass while treating her like absolute shit. So even though she believes there's more to Guy than his obnoxious personality and toxic masculinity, she finally seems to be coming to her senses and thinking about dumping Guy once and for all. Or she'll buy Guy a Superman costume for the bedroom.

Maxima discovers the super massive gigantic spaceship which Superman says he needs his telescopic vision just to see the end of but somehow nobody could see it normally anywhere at all. Guy and Superman pick up Ice and head out to search the ship.

Not to reveal too many of my secret kinks but I would have purchased this in a heartbeat if DC had released it as a poster.

Some of you might be thinking, "How are you not revealing your 'secret' kink just now? It's fucking obvious, mate." But you also don't know whether or not I meant furry white leg warmers do it for me. Or faceless Superman abs.

Supes means the hull is lead-lined but he doesn't want to expose any of his weaknesses to Guy Gardner.

I wonder what Dan Jurgens' pitch for this issue was? "You know how the last issue ended? With the revelation that a space alien has purchased Earth? Well this issue won't deal with any of that for at least the first half! First, the last Justice League members will spend a few pages looking for Superman. Then Superman will just barely resist melting Guy Gardner and Ice with his heat vision. Then we'll discover Superman doesn't know how to use a computer that doesn't work by shoving crystals into various holes. And finally, they'll find the massive ship that they couldn't find even though Superman points out just how massive it is! Then maybe they'll discover the other League members and argue over the alien's receipt for the Earth. Nobody at any time will mention the name Manga Khan or the word 'derivative'!"

While investigating the ship, we learn that Ice has also never lived in the same household as a male teenager.

I guess women just love sticking their fingers in mystery spunk.

Following the sticky trail, the League discover where all of the missing scientists, astronauts, and League members wound up: in Matrix-like pods having their lives and dreams sucked out of them by the aliens. To power their ship? Or just something they do for kicks?

How did they all get captured? I bet Bloodwynd could have stopped the alien from imprisoning them but doing so would have revealed he was really Martian Manhunter and so he allowed himself to be caught with the others. Because that was my real question: how did Bloodwynd get captured? I know how Fire, Beetle, and Booster got captured. They're terrible at being heroes.

Maxima comes crashing through the wall, unconscious and covered in more alien goo. When he sees Maxima is down, Superman says, "Whatever these aliens are, they must be tough!" Notice how he didn't say that when he saw Booster Gold and Blue Beetle had been captured? Yeah, I noticed that too!

I wouldn't have guessed they were hair dryers or weapons. Judging by the look of them after ice freezes them, I think we've discovered where the alien goo comes from.

The aliens can't be too happy after Ice cracks off their myriad penises. Unless they're into that kind of thing. The last thing I want to do is judge an alien race based on human perspectives and human desires! They might love having their dicks frozen off. Ain't nobody on this blog gonna shame a healthy kink. I don't know if I'd want my dick frozen off by Ice but I wouldn't mind her chilling my balls a bit. And the way she loves touching mystery spunk, she'd probably enjoy it too.

The new owner of Earth finally makes an appearance. He introduces himself as Chaq and doesn't provide the proper paperwork to prove to the invaders that Earth is his. He simply, as his his right, begins defending his home and property.

Guy Gardner takes a full load right in the kisser.

Is "SQUIT" the standard comic book sound effect for ejaculation? Kind of like how "FWASH" is the sound of an exploding vagina?

People love to tell me that Dan Jurgens really understands Superman but if he does then he's currently portraying Superman as one of those bullies in a bar who purposefully bumps into other people until somebody acts annoyed or says something unpleasant to them, thus justifying, in their mind, beating the shit out of them. I'd say Chaq "clearly demonstrating his hostile intent" by attacking people who have invaded his ship is less reason to use violence against him than finding a bunch of Earthlings stuffed into pods on that same ship! I guess Superman has a Batman-style rulebook with a bunch of ironclad reasons to excuse his use of violence in all situations. This Chaq guy just gave Guy the bukkake of his life which is reason #532 in Superman's list of reasons to start punching an alien in the face.

Nobody actually starts throwing punches which makes me think maybe Dan Jurgens does understand Superman. Superman just lets everybody on the team know that they would be excused for resorting to violence at this point. But since none of Chaq's weapons can hurt Superman, Superman just keeps talking to him which is when he discovers Chaq has quite a bit of proof as to his ownership of Earth. And while it seems like a ridiculous notion, the guy has receipts! What can you do? Except maybe rent it from him maybe?

Chaq has plans to turn Earth into an intergalactic rest stop. Does that mean we all get to become lot lizards? I'd be down for that.

Maxima comes up with a plan to not rent Earth but to buy it outright. She offers him some astronomical sum in some made-up currency and Guy creates that currency with his power ring. Chaq is so impressed that he immediately gives them the deed to Earth and his hostages and leaves. Since Guy deposited the funds, Guy gets the deed. But in a poorly thought out move for exciting future stories, Superman burns up the deed with his heat vision. What harm would it have done to let Guy believe he was the one true owner of Earth and the Sol system?! Pretty sure he earned it when he took that face full of alien spunk.

Justice League America #68 Rating: A-. To answer the main question of anybody who didn't read this comic book themselves: yes, the currency Guy created with his Sinestro Ring will eventually fade over time. Chaq will probably be pissed when that happens. But Maxima assumes Chaq will enter suspended animation to head home to his riches and that it will take hundreds of thousands of years. So what they've really done is just kick the can down the road. But as Guy points out, how likely is it that humans will survive that far into the future?! It's practically laughable, right? Superman seems a little upset that, as the good guys, they saved the day by conning some poor alien. Apparently he'd have been much happier if they'd killed the alien. Superman's a weird guy.

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Justice League Europe #43 (October 1992)

This fucker winks at me again, I'm punching him in the fucking nose.

Oh boy! A new super villain that's actually just some guy using his natural talents who must be stopped! Because as we all know, luck is a zero sum resource! So if this Amos Fortune jerk uses his luck to, I guess, draw a royal flush in the middle of the street for exactly no pay-off just to impress the reader then, naturally, a tidal wave must completely destroy one city. Everybody educated in America truly knows how the universe works! It's why Americans hate to see poor people helped out in any way at all. Because if that poor person is getting a lift up then surely some other poor sucker, probably some white man, will suddenly get caught sending unsolicited dick pics to four or five minors. Looking at reality through that entirely accurate and scientific lens, it becomes easy to see why so many Americans freak out when poor people have some good fortune. Because they've all sent unsolicited dick pics to minors. Now, I'm not specifically talking about people like Ben Shapiro or Sean Hannity or Matt Walsh or Elon Musk or Donald Trump. But nobody's going to be taken by surprise if those minors came forward with the dick pics. Also didn't Elon try to bribe a flight attendant with a horse so she would touch his peepee? I'm guessing we all know that story because of free school meals for children!

That was me doing a lot of speculation and possible libel! But I've watched so much People's Court and Perry Mason over my lifetime that I've learned the proper way to libel somebody without actually libeling them. First you write 4000 comic book reviews that prove that everything you write comes straight out of your ass and makes no sense. Then and only then can you claim Sean Hannity is a sender of unsolicited dick pics by stating that you didn't actually mean Sean Hannity when you wrote about white men who are against American safety nets being dick pic senders. But you also know I was winking crazily as I wrote that, just like Amos Fortune!

If you misread that last line as I was wanking crazily, is that something you're interested in? Should I start an OnlyFans? Let me know in the comments! Like and Subscribe!

Let's get back to the cover. See that tidal wave? Is being completely disappointed by what a real tidal wave looks like one of those 100% shared experiences we all have growing up? It's just another loss of innocence moment that we all share, like learning Santa Claus isn't real and getting laid. Okay, not all of us share both of those experiences. I don't mean to erase Jewish people and incels. But you probably understood my point anyway! The first time I saw footage of an actual tidal wave, I was all, "That's it? It's just a wave that decides to go way past the beach and keep going? Where's the five hundred foot wave crashing over skyscrapers?! This is more disappointing then when I came immediately when a woman first touched my penis! I mean disappointing for her, of course. I thoroughly enjoyed it!"

That was more cover for my libel suit! Because now I can say in front of a judge and jury, "Do you actually think a woman has touched this penis?" Then I'd expose my grotesque unit and they'd all gasp. And I would say, "If I can tell that obvious lie without meaning for people to believe it, then you have to assume that my claim that Sean Hannity sends dick pics to children just as ridiculous! I rest my case!" Of course I'll be saying, "I rest my case!", as I'm dragged off by court security with my dick flopping about over the top of my trousers.

That's more proof that this blog is full of lies! Because now in court, I can take my dick out and say, "How can this miniscule thing flop?! More facetious parody and hysterical satire by me! This case is busted!" Then I'd pretend to answer my phone where I have a picture of a ginger's cock and balls ready to go and I'd yell, "Oh my God! Sean Hannity just texted me an unsolicited dick pic!" Man, Perry Mason's got nothing on me!

Also, if you tend not to believe everything I write because I'm such a lying bastard, please don't suddenly believe the thing about my dick not being able to flop! It's perfectly floppable!

Amos Fortune begins his crime spree by hassling some fishermen on break.

Amos Fortune takes his huge score of dozens of Pounds and wanders off. Being fishermen and obviously not that smart, they don't realize he was probably cheating until he's walked away from the dock with all of their dozens of quid. By then it's too late to stop him because the bad luck kicks in and the dock they're on crashes into the water, killing them all instantly (probably). Rolling a seven five times in a row isn't that super out of the ordinary so it doesn't cause a tidal wave like a royal flush does. Just one small dock collapses and three fishermen's lungs get pierced by wooden shrapnel and they drown.

I would like to commend Ron Randall for putting the pips of the dice on the correct sides. I know that seems like the easiest thing for an artist to do but you'd be surprised how many artists don't think, "I'm going to be drawing dice. Should I research how they're put together? Oh, why bother! I fucking know what dice look like!" And then they precede to put the three pip side adjacent to the four pip side and I fucking lose my mind.

Out in Troutdale, a nerd shop exists that you'd think I would want to frequent on a near constant basis because they are full of nerd gaming products and disc golf discs! That's right up my fucking hobby anal cavity! But I've only been there once because I got so angry that I nearly passed out on the way back to the car. Just look at their fucking logo!

No way a real nerd would have signed off on that fucking logo!

I suppose I could go easy on them and believe that the proprietors are big disc golf jocks who can't be bothered to waste their time playing games indoors. But this is fucking Oregon! Half the year, you can't play disc golf. So what do disc golf players do during that time other than drugs? Play fucking board games! The only way my mind can make peace with that logo is to assume that the owners of the store just didn't have enough money to pay the artist to fix those dice so they just shrugged and thought, "Nobody will actually care, right? What kind of pathetic excuse for a human being would refuse to enjoy our shop full of fantastic goodies simply because our logo makes us look like ignorant jerks? Ha ha!"

They have two reviews on Yelp both giving them five stars. They're lucky I fucking hate the whole online review culture and refuse to participate because I'd only give them four stars! Think about that. The store must be full of awesome shit if I'm only dropping my rating one star because the sign hanging over their store is absolutely fucked. My review would be, "Good selection of discs, especially pink drivers. They also have a section for discs found at nearby Dabney Park and returned to the store for people to claim. Awesome. Plus they have loads and loads of boards and card games. And Sailor Moon stuff! But how the fuck do the fucking idiots running this fucking store not know what a fucking die looks like?! They're lucky I didn't shit and piss my pants out of pure apoplexy while perusing their awesome wares. Four stars."

Meanwhile in London, the Justice League are moving into a hotel while waiting for Sue and Catherine to find them a new headquarters. I guess they haven't secured the castle yet. That means the Eclipso Annual probably came out after this issue. It's always a guess as to when I should read the Annual. This was probably the closest I've ever gotten to reading it in the proper order.

The team all go their separate ways for a bit for some character building and because a dumb villain like Amos Fortune can't really support a full 22 page comic plot.

Aquaman heads back to Poseidonis, whatever the fuck that is.



Hal heads back to California where about 0.04% of DC heroes reside.



Doctor Light and Power Girl get to know each other while looking for Kara's poor lost kitty.



And Crimson Fox engages in some pre-masturbatory pillow throwing.

A week later, Amos Fortune causes another disaster while winning at blackjack aboard a floating casino. He breaks the bank and the ship sinks around him, leaving him the only survivor floating on a piece of wreckage with all the useless chips he won. Unless the casino was gambling exclusively with gold Krugerrands.

I mean, possibly? Right?

Knowing that Ron Randall got the dice right, I'm trusting that what he was attempting to express here was that these were Krugerrands and not just worthless casino chips that can now only be redeemed in Poseidonis.

The sinking of the casino ship happens at least a week after the collapsing pier where three whole fishermen possibly died or, more likely, suffered minor injuries. But even so, the BBC casually links the two disasters simply because both happened in water. As if the collapsing pier would have made anything but a small splash in the local papers. And no reporter would begin the story about the casino ship sinking like this: "In the wake of last week's collapsing pier in Bristol comes another bizarre maritime disaster." Is a collapsing pier a maritime disaster? Is it even bizarre? Is a ship sinking out at sea bizarre? Where did this reporter get her fucking degree? Sensation Non-Sequiturs University?

Only Elongated Man's feet catch the news report because his head is out the window and on the fire escape eating Monster Munch. But I bet when the Justice League hear about a third maritime disaster, probably a dog drowning in a backyard pool, they'll begin to connect the dots!

Sue barges in to let Ralph know she's found a new headquarters: a castle! And might I say, isn't Sue Dibney the most adorable woman in the DC Universe? It's a shame what Brad Meltzer, that monster, did to her. Who would want to write a story murdering Sue and destroying the only positive relationship in comic books? Aside from Lois and Clark, I guess. Although there's always something a bit bizarre about their relationship. Unless Superman wears a full body Kryptonite condom, I just can't see how Lois survives one of Clark's orgasms. I think she's a beard. You know who Superman is actually fucking? Metallo.

Amos Fortune continues to up his bets with his "Fortune Displacement System," the origin of which he does not reveal. He's probably just really smart and learned how to steal probability from one thing to apply it to another. In this newest example, he takes the odds of the currently being tunneled Chunnel collapsing and applies them to winning the longest longshot in horse racing history. When he wins, that also means the Chunnel collapses. Because he took away the odds of it not collapsing to make the odds of his winning come about. Pretty sneaky, sis!

Justice League Europe #43 Rating: A-. I expected Amos Fortune's rise to villainy to be boring but Jones and Randall spent exactly the right amount of time establishing his story, about seven pages in total. And the Justice League has no idea some villain is creating chaos across the United Kingdom at the moment. It'll be interesting to figure out how they decide some guy is behind this. Maybe he'll win some high profile national lottery just as London is destroyed in a nuclear holocaust and Batman, dropping by for a spot of tea, will make the connection. I just can't see how they can figure it out! I think Amos Fortune, if he doesn't get too arrogant, has concocted the perfect get-rich-without-getting-your-ass-beat-by-a-super-hero scheme! And I just thought he was a Penguin wannabe from that cover!

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