Superman: The Man of Steel #30

This is what the cover of this issue looks like in the bag.


And without the bag!

This comic book came with a batch of vinyl stickers (that's the generic term for Colorforms!) that you could stick on the cover scene. But just like any kid, I seem to have misplaced my Colorforms. Never mind that I was 23 at the time. Hopefully they'll turn up in a different comic book box because I'm really angry at the 23 version of myself right now. Fucking idiot. Why did he even open the sealed bag?! Oh, that's right! It was a Lobo story! I had to get as much Lobo as I could!

Lobo has heard that Superman was killed and came back to life. So he's come to Earth to kill Superman. I don't expect logic from Lobo but I'm still going to ponder why he's mad at Superman for coming back to life (which Lobo thinks is treading on his brand) and he's not mad at Doomsday for doing what Lobo couldn't. Doomsday's actions humiliate Lobo more than Superman's, at least from the Lobonian perspective that every action in the universe must be viewed through the "How Does Lobo Make This About Lobo" lens. But then I guess Doomsday didn't come back to life (at least not yet! I hope there was an issue where Lobo went after Doomsday when he heard he was back) so what choice does Lobo have except to kill Superman?

Come on! Both Superman and Clark Kent decide to grow mullets at the same time?! What terrible fashion trends descended on Metropolis that nobody questioned this?!

Lex Luthor is shown a few panels later coming his full head of gorgeous red hair so that explains that. Everybody probably just figured Lex set off some kind of super growth hair bomb during some dust up with Superman while Clark Kent was nearby getting the scintillating front page story.

This must have come out at a time when everybody was trying their hand at writing a Lobo story. Louise Simonson's tack is to make Lobo say "bastich" and "geekoid" a bunch of times. So a pretty good depiction of the character! Although he also responds to Superman's "Hey Lobo" with "Hey is for hor..." (he gets punched before he can finish) which wouldn't be on any Family Feud survey of "Things Lobo Would Say."

This is the part of the movie where all of the Superman fans cheer! It's also the part of the movie where I mutter "Bullshit. Fucking Superman can't do that to old 'Bo. So stupid" under my breath in the back row.

I don't know what Lobo was thinking when he let down his guard to get sucker punched. He just dunked Superman in a fountain and acted like he'd won the battle! He must have gotten some shoddy information about Kryptonians from his murder agent.

While Lobo rubs his jaw and compliments Superman's violence, Superman thinks, "Okay! Now that I've got Lobo's attention, I can reason with him!" Obviously Superman got his shoddy Czarnian information from Lobo's terrible-at-research murder agent.

Instead of reasoning with Superman, Lobo kicks Superman in the nuts. This is a good example of dramatic irony because when Superman was all, "Let me help you up, Lobo, and we'll talk reasonably about your problem," all of the readers were giggling and thinking, "He's going to kick you in your stupid goody-goody nuts!" It's also possible that I'm the only reader who was thinking that and I have nothing in common with the rest of you.

Maybe Louise Simonson was just too kindhearted to write decent Lobo dialogue.

My new theory on Twat Lobo is that he grew out of the tooth Superman just knocked out of Lobo's face. I know Brainiac 5 or somebody did some kind of scientific hoodoo voodoo to keep Lobo from regenerating from every drop of DNA he left in his path. But maybe somehow that one tooth didn't get the treatment! Maybe it had already died and was turning brown in Lobo's mouth and not really attached to the rest of his system when Lobo was dosed with the magic non-regeneration goop! But it couldn't rightly grow into a new Lobo right in Lobo's mouth so it had to bide its time. Or maybe Lex Luthor dug it up at the scene and thought, "I can grow a Lobo body to replace this new young clone I'm living in that's already losing its hair. Lobo has tons of hair! Look out ladies, L.L. Cool Lex is gonna get laid!"

Everybody in 1994 was calling themselves "L.L. Cool" whatever. It was just a thing!

I'm generally surprised Bibbo wasn't just off panel saying, "Geez! Why ain't youse two get a room a'eady!"

I'm the biggest Lobo fan on the Internet no matter what all those way-too-serious Lobo fans on Twitter and Tumblr say but I'm not ashamed to admit I didn't know he had pointy ears. His hair is so luscious and thick, why would I have ever noticed them? Also, what? Am I not going to stare at his crotch and ass most of the time?!

While Lobo and Superman battle, some aliens that Lobo pissed off on his way to Earth arrive. They zap Lobo and Superman with, according to Lobo, a "force-twelve disintegration beam." That sounds powerful! But it doesn't even faze Lobo or the Main Man. Oops! Sorry, Lobo! I meant the Main Man and the Remains of Superman! Does that work as a witty play on words? No, you know what. Don't tell me if it doesn't. I would rather live in my delusions.

Superman punches Lobo into orbit where Lobo crashes through the alien's space ship. Then Superman looks at his fist and thinks, "Oh yeah, baby. Daddy's powers are increasing." Meanwhile, Lois Lane feels a disturbance in her vagina. That's not a reference to Star Wars and the explosion of Alderaan. It's my subtle allusion that Superman's new power allows him to fist Lois so well that she orgasms in the past.

I feel like reading a Lobo comic book has reduced my mind to that of fifteen year old me. Although fifteen year old me would probably have been all, "Wait. You can get a whole fist up there? Why would you want to?!"

When Superman flies into space to force the aliens away from Earth, he's worried about how long he can hold his breath. But he discovers, thanks to a laser knocking the breath out of him, the after being resurrected, he no longer needs to breathe! His theory is that one single breath has so oxygenated his blood that his body is all, "Whoa. Slow down, dude! We're good down here!" My theory is that Superman is a fucking zombie.

On board the alien ship, Lobo finds himself battling a whole bunch of aliens who he's already fragged once before. More zombies! Does that mean Superman is allowed to kill them? Also, if we consider Superman a zombie, is Batman in the right to kill him as well? I'm pretty sure Batman's "no kill" policy has certain limits, like he can kill non-sentient creatures or reanimated corpses.

Superman helps Lobo kill all of the aliens but only because they are robots. Superman lets Lobo think he didn't know they were robots to gain some cred with the Main Man. Or maybe Superman didn't know they were robots and his zombie blood lust got the better of him? I suppose it's 50-50 which it really was.

Here we see Superman giving his tacit approval of genocide.

Superman: Man of Steel #30 Rating: A+. Look, there are three reasons a comic book automatically gets an A+ from me! If it stars Lobo, if it's written by Mark Russell, and if I was paid in sex for a good rating. This time, only one of those reasons came into play. But I can't wait for the day that all three of them do! Hey Mark Russell? When are you going to write a Lobo comic book?!

The New Titans #0

At first I thought Beast Boy had a tiny erection.

Steel seems upset that Arsenal's new roster of Titans are just kids because he obviously hasn't been paying attention to the adjective before "Titans" during the last several decades. I can see why he'd be upset though. He wants the Titans to sign a contract to work with the government and teenagers probably can't sign the contract legally without parental consent. And how is he going to get that?! One of the other major features of the Titans over the last several decades is that their parents were all assholes and psychopaths. Looks like The New Titans can't work for the government! The government probably should have figured out all the details before paying off all of the Titans' debt and giving them a satellite.

I don't mean to sound ableist but Changeling is fucking disgusting.

Fine, I did mean to sound ableist. Changeling's new disability makes me sick. I didn't mind when he would turn into an elephant or a rhino or a gorilla because then he only had one giant swinging dick. Now he's 95% penises! Sorry, I don't mean to sound homophobic but did I also mention the penises are also green and that one of the newer commercials for a class action lawsuit against a diabetes drug asks if you suffered from genital gangrene? See, now you're sick too!

These two guys from New Jersey are trying to catch a few of Gar's penises in their mouths.

Crimelord (remember him from Deathstork the Hunted #0? I guess he's the new evil nemesis of the Titans universe. And maybe the entire DC Universe!) is causing chaos in America, almost blowing up the World Trade Center seven years before it's supposed to get blown up. But the new New Titans are out to stop his henchmen. Those Titans are Arsenal, Damage, Terra, Mirage, and Changeling. The henchmen are men in giant robot armor, some jerk named Slagg, and a misshapen woman named Coven.

I didn't think she was misshapen until this panel.

Although maybe it's not Coven's fault. I think maybe there's something wrong with my eyes.

Is there an optical condition that makes you see people as having giant thighs?!

If there were an optical condition like the one I described in the previous caption, it would probably be call Brettbootharacts.

Is Mirage still pregnant with Deathwing's rape baby? What are the negative consequences of battling super villains while being pregnant? I bet it's worse than drinking too much alcohol while pregnant! Notice I said "too much alcohol"? You can drink while pregnant. Non-American adults do it all the time! I mean, not "all the time" because that's actually the problem. But in moderate quantities, your baby will be fine! Probably! And even if it isn't, it's just a stupid new baby! You just met it! How attached can you be?

I have to admit: I thought about all the people who would probably get choked up reading this line about the World Trade Center and said a little prayer for them. Poor bastards. They're the real victims, having to be sad for the rest of their lives.

There's this terrible conservative game show on Fox called Spin the Wheel. Here was my first reaction to it which I wrote on Twitter or somewhere else on the Internet:

Spin the Wheel is right-wing fantasy of what they wish television was. The only people who get a chance to win lots of money are ones they think deserve the chance. When discussing the Las Vegas shooting, they just call it a "tragedy" and never mention what actually happened.

It's called "Spin the Wheel" but it should be called "Touch the Wheel." Um, that's evidence that they ignore reality while still believing things are what they are because they say they are (and also the audience chants the "truth" the entire time).

Although the best part is the rift they're causing in these "deserving" families because the idiot trusted family member keeps costing the family millions of dollars. Oh, sure, they act like they don't care on television. But that fucking wound is permanent! Ha ha!

See, the rift is caused because the final four spins of the wheel work like Deal or No Deal. The show offers the person a deal to walk away. But the person doesn't get to pick. Instead, a loved one makes that decision. When the person spins the wheel (I mean touches the wheel), the ball inside the wheel can either land on some money or a Back to Zero wedge. If the ball lands on Back to Zero and the loved one didn't take a deal, they lose all of their money and go home humiliated. But if the loved ones takes the deal on the first or second or third spin, the person spinning can still win millions of dollars which are then lost because the loved one took an early deal. It's a fucking rigged set-up for the family and I'll tell you why.

The only thing for the loved one to do is to never take the deal. You might go home with zero dollars but you avoid something even worse: rooting against your loved one. As soon as the person who can take the deal takes the deal, they have to hope that the person spinning loses everything. They have to. Otherwise, they made a poor choice and cost their loved one millions of dollars. And I can't help but think that anybody rooting for their loved one to crap out on the wheel is a fucking piece of shit. Now, you might be saying, "Hey, they took the deal as insurance! Even if their loved one wins millions, they couldn't have known. They did the smart thing!" But here's the thing about being a human: you know the loved one who took the deal wants proof that they made the correct choice. They don't want to be responsible for all the money lost if their loved one never hits a Back to Zero wedge. Therefore anybody who takes the deal is a fucking traitorous rat and I, for one, would never fucking forgive them. "You took the second deal?! That means you wanted me to fail every spin after that, you fucking asshole! Get out of my life!" is totally how I'd react on national television. Not that Fox would ever think I was deserving of touching the wheel!

That was a digression because the rest of the comic book was just idiotic Teen Titan banter. You know the kind! "I want to fuck you so bad, you ugly shitstain!" "Ew, you make me so mad that I want to stick my tongue in your butt!" "Will you two knock it off already because Changeling is masturbating again!" "Gross! All of his dicks at once?! Gag me with a spoon!" Oh wait. This comic was from 1994 and not 1984. Although didn't Wayne and Gar bring back gag me with a spoon?! Probably! Not! Ha ha!

New Titans #0 Rating: C-. Boy howdy was this an average comic book! The best part about owning this series is that I have conclusive proof of when I became a man! Between New Titans #114 and New Titans #115 when I finally grew up and realized this comic book was terrible and I should stop reading it. But I didn't stop reading all terrible comic books so maybe I became a man later. Or, more apt, will become a man later! Hopefully soon because I can't wait to see what a woman's ding dong looks like!

Deathstork the Hunted #0

For a comic book that I'm fairly certain will chug mild to average amounts of donkey semen, this cover is pretty cool. Except for Deathstork's elf shoes.

Holy fucking fuck balls with spicy fuck sauce. I know in my Team Titans Annual #2 commentary I mentioned how much DC and Marvel wanted to be Image around this time but I sincerely forgot just how much. I think I can rest my case with this advert for a new Doctor Fate comic book.

"This is what our audience wants, boys! I guess we have to give it to them!" To be fair, I actually love this cover and I really want to fucking read this comic book now.

The cover of Team Titans was proof of my argument much in the same way that the low-level Chernobyl radiation detectors were proof that there'd been a radiation leak. This is like finally getting their hands on something that could measure extreme levels of radiation and everybody suddenly shitting themselves.

I could make the argument that this is just DC still trying to capture that whole X-Factor X-men hype and McFarlane's Spider-man days. But that's all really just the precursor to Image. For whatever reason, these guys made art that made fangenders ruin the couch they were sitting on. Not that I ever ruined a couch I was sitting on over their art. But I know a few jerks who definitely did! Anyway, that Marvel stuff was just the prologue or the opening chapters of Image. And DC definitely would dip their toes in this fucked up poison art well many, many times before the industry nearly collapsed under the weight of all the extra stress lines drawn all over every character's face. And also maybe the pouches and the bullets. Oh, and maybe the variant and foil covers.

Currently, Checkmate and other government agencies are hunting Deathstork because he did the worst thing in all of history. I don't know what that thing is yet but I'm sure there'll be a flashback. Remember, Zero Hour was all about touching up everybody's origin stories and slightly recontextualizing the current story arcs. Maybe some changed dramatically but since I certainly didn't read many of them and I've done no research, how am I supposed to speak with authority and also know I'm speaking the truth?! Let me just state facts in a way that sounds like I know what I'm talking about so I don't have to do any real work and not be embarrassed by constantly being called out by Actually Nerds.

Before Deathstork dies (or kills everybody chasing him, more probably), he remembers what happened to him three weeks ago. He was visiting the Hmong whorehouse in New York (where Rose and a bunch of other children were being raised) to find out what happened to one of them that was seriously injured. She told a story about tying up a senator and then making him wait while she sat in the bathroom. While waiting, some guy in an omega outfit broke in and shot him dead. She jumped out a window, landed on her face, and blacked out.

Ahem. She landed on her face, artist!

The prostitute must have noticed the assassin was a big dumbfuck because how could he not know a prostitute was in the house? The senator was tied up and the assassin made a crack about the senator's wife knowledge of this event before killing the senator. Anyway, Deathstork will probably be framed for this. And maybe the murder of a few other senators because why would it be such a big deal if he killed just one?!

It turns out the senator gets replaced by a double who has access to Clinton. His plan to blow himself up while jogging with Clinton is foiled by Deathstork when Deathstork shoots him from a helicopter. Afterward, the government thinks Deathstork was out to kill Clinton as well so now he's Deathstork the Hunted. The whole thing was some plot by some guy from Zandia named Crimelord. I think Zandia is where Brother Blood is from. It's sort of like Qurac. It's just a place where DC can house all of their terrorists so nobody gets upset when they use the wrong race of people as terrorists. It just makes comic books easier! Although it really seems more like a dog whistle of sorts. "We all know that every person living in specific countries are total terrorists! That's why people buy into places like Qurac and Zandia and Latveria. Wink, wink!" Which is kind of a weird way to go about things when, in comic books, you could easily just have a super villain be from any country without automatically being a representative example of the people from that country. It's not like everybody blames every American for The Joker! Or do they? Oh man, what an international public relations nightmare that guy's been! No wonder people in Europe can't stand Americans! Fucking Joker!

Deathstork the Hunted #0 Rating: C. So that's the big Zero Hour twist on Deathstork! He's now the most wanted man in America where before he was just the greatest assassin in America but also kind of a good guy so people like Batman and Superman mostly just shrugged their shoulders and let him be. Although once every few years, they have to battle him, just to show that they're keeping an eye on him so he doesn't get too out of control. Although isn't Batman at least partly responsible for every one of Slade's murders simply because Batman never tries too hard to bring him in?

Team Titans Annual #2

In this alternate version of the DC Universe, the Team Titans were marketable.

That caption above was either a joke or a lie. Because even though I believe there's a universe where DC didn't completely fuck up this concept, I know it's not going to be portrayed in this annual.

I should have looked closer at the guns and faces on this cover before saying I was joking or lying. Because the caption was nearly spot on! I should have said, "This is the DC Universe where DC stole Image's look hoping that they could get a piece of that Image cash." How could DC not think that the only reason Image was selling so many comics was because of the art style of so many of their artists? It's not like the writing was any better than the writing at DC! And oftentimes, it was super duper way not better! If only DC realized that Image's main selling point was that every issue was an investment, maybe they wouldn't have spent so many years trying to capture the Image ascetic and simply failing. I'm glad Image survived and I'm supportive of the ideology behind the creation of Image but I was never fucking interested in reading any of their comic books. Maybe I would have liked some of them. But I was never a fan of the squinty face people with lots of stress lines scrawled on their faces standing in uncomfortable poses with thighs bigger than their torsos. I was kind of into pockets and guns but not enough to buy a shit book like W.I.L.D. Cats. I mean Wild C.A.T.S.!

Of course nowadays, Image puts out the best comic books on the rack. That's because why would a writer or artist give over the rights to their most passionate ideas to a big company?! Of course they're going to save their best stuff for a place that honors creators' rights! If they're writing for Marvel or DC, they're just going to half-ass this one idea they had when they were a teenager about how maybe Blue Beetle never really liked Booster Gold and he only hung out with him because Guy Gardner stopped being his friend after recovering from the concussion Batman punched into his head. You can tell when a creator is writing out of passion and when they're writing for a paycheck. Sure, Scott Lobdell hits deadlines and keeps a story moving. But it's less of a linear plot and more of a stream-of-consciousness zig zag that often repeats up to three pages of material from the end of a previous issue at the beginning of a new issue (if he even remembers where the story left off and hasn't decided to go in a totally different direction!). Look at what Cullen Bunn did on Aquaman when DC was giving him a paycheck. He forced shitty John Carter plot ideas into Aquaman's body, completely ignoring the boring person Aquaman was always meant to be! He just didn't seem to care much at all about DC's characters and history. For more terrible Cullen Bunn examples, see Sinestro and Lobo.

The interior art isn't done by the cover artist so I don't know what the appeal of this issue was supposed to be after all. Maybe DC was just hoping to trick all the dumb kids that were dumb enough to be tricked into buying Wild C.A.T.S. #1.

In this Elseworld, Lord Chaos has taken over Earth and turned it into Battleplanet which seems like a completely original idea that nobody should tell Len Wein or Jim Starlin about.

I know some of you just read that and are thinking, "Len Wein is dead, idiot." Well, my response is, "Have you ever heard of Ouija boards, jerko?!"

This annual is super thick and probably really boring, so I should probably just sum it up and give it an F Rating as quickly as I can.

It doesn't take too many pages for me to realize I shouldn't have compared Battleplanet to Warworld but to the Death Star. Hell, the cover gave the game away but I was too busy thinking about Image comics. This is just "What if the Team Titans did their version of Star Wars?" Lord Chaos destroying planets with his super planet. Prester Jon starring as the plans to the Death Star. Redwing escapes from Darth Chaos in an escape pod with the plans. Mirage is captured on her ship, The Rebellion. Killowatt plays the role of the orphaned Luke Skywalker except way more racist. Battalion is everybody's only hope.

The long version's runtime is about 121 minutes.

Nightrider and Terra are Han Solo and Chewbacca but I'm not sure which is which. Also maybe they're a little more into the whole rebellion thing than Han and Chewy were. At least I think Chewy wasn't really into it at first and came around later. It's hard to know when everybody just had to trust Han was translating honestly for him. Also, can we all agree that the term "Fuzzball" is problematic at best and totally racist at worst?

The Millennium Falcon is played by a giant bat which means Terra is the Wookie.

A whole bunch of Star Wars inspired stuff happens before the big finale! You'll be surprised at what the finale looks like, I bet!

Team Titans Annual #2 Rating: D. The chances of discovering an annual worth reading are 1 in 1000. This is just another one of those 999 annuals that never needed to be made.

Superman: Up in the Sky #1

If Superman throws a single punch in this series, I'll quit writing comic book reviews forever. Or I'll call Tom King a hack. One of those!

If I were going to write a Superman series, I'd embrace the biggest problem everybody says they have with Superman: he's so powerful that he's boring. He would never encounter a threat to his physical safety. He would never say stupid shit like, "That actually hurt!" He would never fucking raise a fist to anyone! Why would he need to?! The story would never be about Superman getting his ass beat by the new biggest threat he's ever faced until the big climactic moment where he stands back up and finally knocks the crap out of the villain. I wouldn't even try to trick the readers into feeling some kind of tension that Superman might not be able to handle the big threat. He'd do it easily, issue after issue. Everybody would know that he was going to save the world. But would Superman be able to save Metropolis blindfolded with both hands tied behind his back because some sick kid requested he do it? Make all the drama happen in Clark's work life and his relationship. Will he be able to save the world and make it to Lois's big award ceremony? Can he plan Jimmy Olsen's bachelor party in such a way that Jimmy discovers his fiance is a demon from Hell on his own?! Get fucking imaginative, Superman writers!

All of the stuff I'd do, I'm expecting Tom King to do! Man, I'm really getting my hopes up, aren't I?! Tom King probably isn't even going to like the pedestal I've built for him!

Tom King is a hack!

Actually, that was page one and it's the moment after Superman threw that punch! So I don't think it counts as Superman throwing a punch in this series. King probably began the series like this on purpose! That's the last punch Superman is ever going to throw and we didn't get to see it in this series. Because it's all we've seen all the time always! And why?! It's especially galling when Superman punches a regular human. He could seriously injure somebody that way! If I were Superman, my main move would be picking up criminals by the scruff of their necks and wagging my finger in their faces.

Above Superman and the robot are narration boxes that say, "Clark. I need you." My guess is that they aren't the robot's thoughts. I bet it's Perry J. Jameson. No, that doesn't make sense since the statement doesn't end in five exclamation points and a swear word.

I guess the clue as to who is saying it lies in the gray coloring of the boxes and the little bat symbol inside them.

Batman is on a case that he can solve on his own and doesn't need Superman's help at all. What he needs from Superman is for him to tell a little girl that her foster parents and two of her siblings are dead. Obviously Batman can't do that because it would mean scaring the shit out of a little girl. Also it would sort of look like failing to save the girl's family was Batman's fault somehow which it definitely wasn't. Batman has failed to stop random violence for thirty years even though he vowed to. He probably would have if the medium of comic books wasn't stuck in a constant present. People sometimes think it's ridiculous that The Joker is always getting out of Arkham and murdering people. Sometimes they even suggest maybe Batman is at fault a little bit for not killing The Joker. But what they don't realize is that The Joker is always both in and out of Arkham. Batman never really catches The Joker but he also always catches The Joker and he may, in fact, have only caught The Joker the one time (but in a million different ways). If you want to take comic book canon seriously, might I suggest first getting a lobotomy?

I thought maybe Superman was going to comfort the girl because that's a job for Superman. But instead he grills her so he can get all of the details for a Clark Kent exclusive. Unless maybe he's just trying to get a lead. But why would he need a lead? Batman is on the case! Superman should just stick to doing the jobs meant for Superman, like making little girls feel better and writing complimentary articles about himself under a pseudonym.

Superman is nothing more than the journalistic version of an ambulance chaser. Also, um, what does "Kansas isn't in Kansas anymore" mean?

Superman's job for this issue is to find the missing girl. You might think that's Batman's job. But Batman's job is to punch the person who took the girl until that person is hospitalized with internal injuries that won't kill him (because that's wrong) but will force him to use a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Hey, he knew the probable consequences of crime in Gotham!

Superman doesn't think of finding the girl as a job. His job is to easily dispatch dinosaurs in downtown and easily stop asteroids from colliding with Earth. His passion is saving little girls. It's all he thinks about while the comic book images portray him doing his job. Just as easily as I said I'd write Superman saving the world. I think maybe Tom King and I are on the same page.

Tom King is a hack!

I don't know. I guess it's okay to show Superman punching a guy with an atomic skull. Or is that the opposite of okay?! Shouldn't you handle nuclear material carefully? Punching Atomic Skull in the face could result in a nuclear catastrophe, couldn't it?! Why doesn't he just use his freeze breath for everything?! Except maybe saving crashing planes. And rescuing kidnapped children from space men.

Superman feels like he doesn't have time in his life to pursue his passions so he goes to speak with Pa Kent. Not zombie Pa Kent like you're probably thinking because remember how he died on Clark's prom night? I guess that didn't happen now. Rebirth and whatever stories I probably missed because I stopped reading every single DC comic book because DC kept insisting on hiring terrible writers like redactedell and redactedenti and J. T. redacted. Pa gives Clark some good advice full of guilt but it's no Uncle Ben advice. Every relative of every super hero is just out here trying to be as great as Uncle Ben. But I don't think people are going to be quoting this advice to Clark: "Who do you think is going to save that little girl, Clark? Batman? Wonder Woman? Guy fucking Gardner?! Stop worrying about how many people are going to die on Earth while you're in space and just go get that little girl already! Sheesh! You big pansy!" But Pa's a Midwest farmer so he used a word a little stronger than "pansy."

Obviously by "stronger word," I mean "pustule-ridden horse cock." I know a lot of Midwest farmers and they're disgusting!

Superman learns that the girl he met in the hospital died from her injuries and/or the incompetence of the doctors. So that's another person Batman failed to save! So now Superman turns his anger to the state of the America's health care so that this never happens again! No, no! He actually gets so mad that he throws a train off of a trestle.

What a piece of shit.

Why is Superman so nervous about leaving Earth? Isn't that exactly the thing every single other DC hero says is happening whenever they're stuck with saving the world from some threat that's far beyond their power to deal with? "The Justice League are on a mission in space! I'm all that's keeping the world from sliding into Hell!" yells Green Arrow every month. Because, seriously, the only reason you rely on Green Arrow is because all the other heroes are in space. All of them.

Didn't Superman used to have a clone of himself or a robot that he used for when he was away? Also for when somebody thinks Clark is Superman? Also for when Lois is super horny?

Superman heads to Rann to sort through the Zeta Beam data so he can find the bastard who kidnapped the little girl. Her name, by the way, is obviously Alice. There's a lot of literary capital in that name.

To sort through the Zeta Beam data, Superman must be hooked up to what I can only describe as a suicide machine.

If Superman can't survive this then who can?! Why does this machine even exist?! Except to kill?

I was reading this as some sort of device to compute Zeta Beam data but it's possible Superman is just staring down the pipe of the regular old Zeta Beam machine. But anybody can be transferred by a Zeta Beam, right? You don't have to be special. But then, maybe this scientist is just finally telling the truth! What if the Zeta Beam really is a suicide machine, destroying the individual zapped by it only to reconfigure a clone on the other end. Sure, the clone has all the same memories and feelings and attitudes of the original body. But the mind in that original body is fucking gone, man! How many times has Adam Strange killed himself in DC continuity?!

In the machine, Superman remembers some kid pretending to be Superman who threw himself off of the roof of his house and killed himself. Unless it's not a memory and the machine is just expressing, in an analogy (unless it's a metaphor?), how Superman has just killed himself. It's also possible it's part of the reasons behind Superman needing to save Alice. It's also possible Tom King fucked up his script and forgot what story he was writing.

In this new story, Superman wants to quit being Superman because he's too inspiring! But Wonder Woman is all, "So a few kids are going to hurl themselves from rooftops? So what?! You wanting to take responsibility for that is what makes you Superman, and what makes you Superman is what is going to keep driving kids to jump to their deaths! Imagine if Batman were to take responsibility for all the deaths on his watch instead of plugging his hears and going, 'Na na na na na na na na na na na na na?!' That's the guy who should fucking quit!" Maybe she didn't say it in those exact words but why would I repeat the exact words from the comic book? Go fucking buy it yourself!

Superman also remembers fighting with Doomsday and Magog and his father, Jor-el. Oh? Hey! Has Jor-el decided to remain on Earth as Pa Kent? Is that the story I missed recently?!

In Superman's hallucination, he meets Alice who is super wise but that's only because she's also Superman. It's like when you're in a dream and somebody who isn't you says something really smart or funny. I usually wake up and get angry at my brain. "Why did you give somebody else those lines?!" But then I calm down and remember that my brain came up with those lines all by itself. Then I pat myself in the groin for a few minutes and think, "That'll do, pig. That'll do."

Superman: Up in the Sky #1 Rating: A. That bit by Alice at the end is particularly well done. That's why I couldn't comment on it and barely mentioned it. If I could comment on intelligent and wise stuff, do you think I'd be doing comic book commentaries?! I'd be fucking with Shakespeare and Langston Hughes! I'd be commenting on Yeats and Cervantes and Danielewski! Sometimes you just have to accept what height of brow you are and live there like a mud scrabbling land fish. I know I don't have wings! I'mma just slop around down here in the filth while occasionally pretending to understand stuff written by Tom King and Mark Russell.

New Titans Annual #10

I'm sure Starfire is completely naked for important plot reasons.


Oh, I get it! Elseworlds stories are like Marvel's "What If...?" stories! So this Elseworlds story would be "What if Raven had huge tits?"


In this version of the DCU, colorists get so distracted by Raven's big tits that they accidentally color Raven's face the same color as Raven's clothes.


In this universe, Raven is played by Tina Turner. And Cyborg is related to Toys'R'Us.


Speaking of V'ic'tor's'ton'e, Raven turns him into Cyborg in this world. And she makes sure he has the biggest cock in all the land. "Booyah, I tuck it into my knee pocket. What of it?! Booyah!"


No wonder Raven had to make Cyborg's penis so long. Pantha is providing some really flaccid competition.

Raven is a sorceress queen who has turned a bunch of random peasants into her Teen Titans.

But she fucked up because she made Dick Grayson the dumb one. That's no way to convince her to let you out of your cage, dick!


Cyborg shocked that the six human people he saw in cages were "transformed" like him. I mean, I guess one of them was green? And one had a huge penis? Maybe that's it! He's pissed about Raven giving somebody else a huge penis!


In this weird Elseworld, Starfire wears more clothes than any other woman.


I didn't scan this to say, "Whoops! Never mind! She's hardly wearing anything!" Because even with her underwear riding straight up her ass, she's still better dressed than Raven and Pantha. I scanned this to say, "Whoops! I guess Cyborg and Pantha don't have the longest penises after all!"


Look at this guy casually running for his life! He's my second new favorite background character!


Right after this guy, Anguished Fat Man! He was from one of the early New 52 Action Comics.

The Titans escape Raven's clutches with Nightwing taking the lead.

I don't know why Donna looks so disgusted or how she's holding up Arsenal's rigid body. Maybe Raven put handles on his back?








Oops! Sorry! I got distracted by all the tits and ass.


This is totally not a metaphor for what I just did in my pants. What do you think I am? A twelve year old boy who doesn't own any better jerk off material than a 1994 New Titans Annual?!


Anyway, Raven kills Nightwing and, I guess, Boxing Helena's Starfire?


Look, Marv Wolfman. I think I know what you meant for Phantasm to be doing to Nightwing here but I can't do anything about it! I'm spent!

This is exactly the kind of sordid universe I'd expect from a DC timeline where the only thing that was changed was Raven's cup size.

Hee hee!


Double hee hee!

Trigon does come just like every twentieth issue of the Titans. You'd think they'd have some other enemies! I mean, sure, they have Deathstork but that's just so Trigon doesn't appear in every tenth issue. And also they have Brother Blood but that's so Deathstork doesn't appear in every fifth issue. And I guess they have the Fearsome Five and the Brotherhood of Evil! But that's just so Brother Blood doesn't appear in every third issue!

By fighting together, the Titans save the world. That's the message in every Titan's story! If you fight alone, you will be defeated. If you fight together, you will destroy New York and drive your parents and/or siblings back to Hell/Tamaran/Slade Industries/Dayton Enterprises! Go go Titans go! Is that their catchphrase?

New Titans Annual #10 Rating: I'll let this panel speak for my rating:

See? The colorist never recovered from seeing Raven's huge tits.

Team Titans #24

Zero Hour is here, business itches!

Ending sentences with "bitches" has always been a super fun way to emphasize a sentence and pretend that you're about to cap a motherfucker in the ass. But since I'm trying to stop using the word "bitches" and my friends all keep yelling at me that my replacement word, "retards," is way worse, I needed to come up with a word that rhymes with bitches. I'm not sure "business itches" works perfectly but it almost sounds like I'm jazzing up bitches in a white person trying to be more urban kind of way. And I don't mean "black" when I say "urban," although I wouldn't argue with somebody who says I did just that. I don't have time to go to law school at one of the top fourteen elite colleges just to learn how to argue that lies are truth and truth are lies! But I do have time to say, "We'll just have to agree to disagree!"

What about "Zero Hour is here, Quidditchers!"? No?

You know who the most tiresome people in the world are? People who constantly declare that we can't say anything anymore. You can say whatever you want! But you're expressing something inherent in yourself when you go to bat for specific things you want to keep saying. I don't know what the things people can't say anymore are because they never tell you specifically the things they want to keep saying that they can't. Which seems telling, doesn't it? It's as if they want their argument to seem reasonable by including a bunch of things that they can't comprehend people being angry at them for saying. Maybe things like "kittens" or "can of beer" or "onstage masturbation cage." But they never say anything that makes me think, "Whoa. You shouldn't say that," when they say that people can't say anything anymore. Give me some examples! But you know you won't get any examples because then they'll have to defend wanting to say some things that might make people ask, "What kind of person wants to keep saying that?!"

Some dumb people might feel the gears in their brain beginning to spring to life, leading them to respond, "But didn't you just say you're not going to say 'bitches' and that your friends yell at you for saying 'retards'?! See? You can't say anything anymore!" To those people, I'd just like to point out that A. I just said both of those words so you're wrong and B. I've made the personal choice not to use certain language in casual ways. My use of the word "retards" in the previous context was carefully chosen for the joke. You'll notice I didn't call anybody that no matter how slow the gears in their brains took to spring to life. Plus, I have also used the word "dumb" at the beginning of this sentence which would get some people up in arms at me. But even if they messaged me and said, "You're an ableist motherfucker, you motherfucker!" (but with a word that probably isn't shaming people who fuck mothers. I actually don't know any curse words that somebody can't make problematic with a hot take!), remember that thing I said about law school? I don't have time to learn to argue these things! Maybe at some future date, I'll come around to their way of thinking and stop calling stupid morons dumb (and maybe morons too (and stupid? Is stupid bad?!)) but until then, I don't feel like I can't say it just because some people get mad at me for saying it. I'll take the verbal haranguing and just get on with my life. And if I feel that they've made a great point, maybe I'll apologize. I mean, I won't apologize or admit I did anything wrong! But maybe I'll surreptitiously change my behavior in the future! We can't all be fucking Tumblr saints like Wil Motherfucking Wheaton!

Man, I really heard it that time. The term "motherfucker" is really problematic!

The people with the slowest gears in their brains probably just finally spat out the term "virtue-signaler" after reading all of that. Interesting how a certain type of people who think they can't say anything anymore have come up with a specific term to shout at people saying things they'd rather those people didn't say. It's weird how they ignore how being angry that they can't say certain things sort of signals their anti-virtue? I mean, that might not be true but there's an easy way to prove me wrong: be specific with the things you can't say when you say you can't say anything. If you just want to call your dog fat in public, you might want to realize that, by not expressing that specific expression, people might think you want to spout the n-word willy-nilly. See how maybe you'd want to clarify that? Unless, I mean, is it possible you just want to go around saying the n-word?

Normally, I'd actually type out the n-word in a conversation like this. But you can't say anything anymore! Without consequences, I mean! You know, I think I'd be fine with their argument if they just added "without consequences" to the end of it. It would be a hell of a lot more honest. "But it makes life so hard when you have to deal with repercussions!"

For transparency's sake, I just did a search of the word "nigger" on my site and found it used in seventeen different reviews (eighteen counting this one now too, I suppose!) which seems like an awful lot (even considering I've got over four thousand reviews. That's less than half of a percent! I guess I have to admit to being 0.5% racist now. Hmm, that seems like a lot written out like that. I am the monster everybody has been telling me I am!). Most of the entries seem to be discussions on the conservative use of the word thug as a stand-in for the n-word or discussing the "euphemism treadmill." A few of them are discussing Quentin Tarantino. At least one was me parodying Xbox users. Obviously none of them were derogatory or meant to be hurtful. But a few may have been too casual and edgelord-y in the mentioning of the word. I'd say out of those seventeen uses, only one really made me cringe. It was less the usage of the word and more the anti-Tumblr rant I went on that day. I almost sounded like one of those assholes who blames their retreat into right-wing fascism on being called out by social justice warriors! I must have had a bad day where somebody complained that I called a woman a barn owl and I had and I knew that I shouldn't have and I was acting defensive. Sorry about that, Internet! I'll do better!

I was going to link to some of those posts but then I thought, "Why should I?! If somebody is so obsessed with my use of a word, they should have to damn themselves by typing it into the search bar!" See? Sometimes using a word is a necessary evil!

Now that I've completely ruined my reputation and confused people with my personal non-rhyming slang "barn owl," I should probably read Team Titans #24. According to the cover, it has dinosaurs!

The weirdest part of Zero Hour was the laugh track.

Proclaiming the story you just spent years writing was so terribly written that only idiots would enjoy it might not be the great meta-dialogue you thought it was.

The editors at DC were like Australians importing foxes and cats to get rid of their imported rabbit problem. But instead of using invasive species to manage other invasive species, they decided using time travel and alternate timelines were the best way to cure the DC Universe of a time travel and alternate timeline problem. You would have thought destroying all of the alternate Earths would have taken care of the problems with alternate timelines. But you and the DC editors forgot that terrible writers would still use alternate futures of the same Earth to prop up their inability to write well. But also, since Crisis fucked up so many characters' points of origins (see my non-existent Infinity, Inc. reviews in an alternate timeline where I actually purchased those comics), Zero Hour was needed to just restate all the origins of all the characters. What better way to do that than to fuck with the main DC timeline?! What could go wrong (aside from losing all of the Hal Jordan fans)?!

Monarch explains that to create a world where he controls everything, he had to send 600 Team Titans into specific points in the past to change things just the right way for events to bring him to power. It's a good thing that, naturally, events happened to bring him to a point where he could send 600 Team Titans into the past to change the future that made his future control of everything possible! Fucking time travel. Suck every dick!

The issue begins like any other confusing, contrived, and convoluted Team Titans issue:

With a boy just recently resurrected getting trampled to death by mammoths.

The randomly resurrected people and feral mammoths probably weren't specifically part of Monarch's plan. But when you fuck with time, you're going to have to deal with some truly fucked up consequences.

Herald and Bumblebee save the rest of the pioneer family from being killed. But afterward, the racist pioneer calls Herald a derogatory name and he's all, "Their remarks were offensive as hell!" And Bumblebee's response is, "You've become so political since you reached legal drinking age." What the fuck kind of response is that?! How is not wanting to be called a racial slur political?! And why the fuck would turning twenty-one make any difference?! Maybe it would make more sense if I knew anything about Herald and Bumblebee. I think they were important to the Titans in the early series which I never read.

Meanwhile, dinosaurs are rampaging around Seattle's Capitol Hill district. And then Hero X, a Team Titan, gets eaten by a pterodactyl. I feel like it's supposed to be a funny moment but the laughs from the laugh track are missing and, I mean, a character just died. And that shouldn't be funny, even if the character was some jerk named Hero X.

Unsure what might be happening, Bumblebee and Herald decide to take the Team Titans back to New Jersey to regroup with the other teams.

Ha ha! Automation! Artificial Intelligence hasn't gotten any better in the future if it's coming up with terrible super-hero names like that. Also, not everybody is there, Herald. Have you forgotten about poor Hero X already?!

Ugh. The same boring dinosaur fights around earthquakes with Titans saving people at the last second happens over and over and over again. Finally, Terra says, "I think we were being manipulated like pawns on a chessboard!" And, in the future, Monarch answers her! "Oh, if you only knew the extent of it, Terra! How my confusing and contrived and convoluted plan worked to a tea! Or is that a tee? Oh, fuck it! Who cares?! I am Captain Atom and I will...I mean, I am Hank Hall, also known as Haw, and I now rule the world! I think. How does time work again? Shouldn't my plan have already come to pass since I'm in the future? Why am I the future me that existed before I changed the past and still exist now that I've changed it? No, no! Don't think about it for too long! Just think about the name I'll use after Monarch. It has to be dignified and glorious and intimidating! So far I'm having a tough time picking between Bloodfestor and Extant!"

Team Titans #24 Rating: F. What a terrible fucking end to a mostly terrible comic book. And I don't feel like I'm being mean or that my rating would hurt Jeff Jensen's feelings. He's the guy who called his own run on the Team Titans "confusing, contrived, and convoluted!"