Vigilante: Southland #1

I wish saying "not" after a statement to negate it sarcastically wasn't such a stupid piece of shit thing to say because right now I want to say, "This comic book looks fantastic! NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT!"

Which came first? Plans for Vigilante to appear on Arrow or pitch meetings for this egg?

When I first saw that a Vigilante comic book was coming out, I got super excited! But only for like the three or four seconds it took my body to absorb the endorphins released by the nostalgia factor and then I thought, "This comic book was never really very good, was it?" But it was printed on Baxter paper! So cool!

The issue begins with Vigilante beating up some thugs. I don't mean thugs in the conservative media vernacular where they're slyly winking as they say it because their audience knows what they really mean. I mean thugs in the comic book sense! Those are just nameless henchmen or free-range criminals who the hero beats up in the parts of the story that don't really matter. Comic book thugs are the guys Batman beats up at the beginning of the story to show some quick action before he sees the Bat-signal and rushes off to listen to Gordon whinge on about The Joker suddenly being back in town. So that's what Vigilante is doing here! He's beating some guys up so readers can get their violent action boners going before the boring talking parts have to happen.

Also, when I say "boners," I mean both male and female boners, whatever those are. I think they're like elementary school drinking fountains?

Vigilante might have the ugliest costume in the DC Universe, counting Lobo's original pink and purple one.

In the past, Vigilante has been a white male and a white female. Now he's a black male. What will Vigilante be in his or her next incarnation? A little person?

You know, I don't hear an awful lot of clamor from little people about representation in comic books. Maybe that's because I don't know any little people so I'm not around to hear them moan about the lack of representation in comic books. Who was the last little person in a DC Comic book? Oberon?

As I read about the main character going about his business playing basketball and ignoring his girlfriend's texts and smoking dope and playing video games, I realize the first two pages are doing that thing where the comic book has to show the reader the action that will happen in the future before returning to the boring, non-action parts of the story. I fucking hate that shit. It's like the writer has no confidence in the story or the audience. It's as if I can't be bothered to read a comic book that doesn't assure me, right up front, that somebody will eventually be punched in the face. I mean, I did call that part the exciting bit and the non-violent part the boring bit! So my opinion my be radically at odds with itself.

The main character, Donny, might also not be the only main character. His girlfriend, Donny's girlfriend, might be the main character too! She wears another terrible version of the Vigilante costume to do some corporate espionage. Or maybe she's just doing some simple civil disobedience to expose a corporation's criminal behavior. I'm just guessing because I've barely read four pages of this comic book. It's far less interesting than what I might have to say about it. Also, I had to make sure I mentioned, again, how terrible Vigilante's costume is.

Well, at least I don't have to learn Donny's girlfriend's name now! Thank you, evil corporate man in black hit and run driver!

Now Donny can go about his video gaming and getting stoned without being nagged by Vigilante! If she was Vigilante. I was just making an assumption. But she probably was and now Donny will start going through her things and find her suit and all of her evidence proving whatever injustice she was trying to prove! Then he'll have to get off his ass and continue her work! Even though she could have continued the work just fine and the story could have been about her if Gary Phillips hadn't decided to kill her.

Donny begins investigating the hit and run on his own. I guess without his girlfriend to pay the Internet bill, he's lost his online Xbox play. He might as well get out of the house because single player games are boring as fuck. NPCs don't rage quit and send you spiteful messages when you teabag them.

Donny hits up his father--who he has serious issues with, of course--to do his shady underworld investigative shit to find out who might have killed his girlfriend. While Donny waits for that to happen, he begins going through his girlfriend's things. You know, just like I said he would! Behind the box with the vibrator and a stack of Penthouse Forums, he finds her Vigilante costume and her electric mace. I think it's an electric mace. It might also be a vibrating Ben Wa ball.

At this point, the story is almost over and the whole dead girlfriend thing is getting depressing, so the narrative speeds up a bit. Donny and his father get some information they need from a witness of the hit and run but that witness has also been bought out by the bad guy, Spectros. So when Donny gets home later that night, his house explodes on him! I might think he's dead but for those first couple of pages at the beginning of the comic book! Way to ruin the suspense, Phillips!

The Review!
So far there's nothing original in this script. It's basically every 80s movie about some guy who loses a loved one and then reaps deadly vengeance on the killers. It's also got whiffs of a chosen one story where the hero begins as a shitty, crappy, lazy asshole and has to rise to the occasion when the real hero (this time, his girlfriend) dies tragically in the first three minutes. Donny's girlfriend was far more interesting in the scant few pages in which she appeared. Donny is just a lazy asshole. But I guess that's part of the story! He has to prove himself and rise above his flaws to become the hero his girlfriend already was! Although I don't know why he has to do it in an even more terrible looking costume than her already awful one!

Teen Titans #1

Damian is going old school Marv Wolfman with his Teen Titans. He's bringing together a bunch of young heroes so they can all deal with his family issues.

In Marv Wolfman's Teen Titans of the 80s, the Titans fought Raven's father, Jericho's father, Changeling's father, Starfire's sister, Wonder Girl's godparents and eventually, as Troia, her son, and all of Dick's Batdaddy issues. Cyborg had some pretty cool grandparents and his father was a dick but I don't think he actively tried to destroy the Teen Titans. He probably had an experiment or two that got out of control though! It's hard to remember the Cyborg issues because he's one of the most boring characters ever created. Even Marv Wolfman became so bored with him that Cyborg spent about four years as a brain-dead, remote-controlled lump of metal. Although that probably had more to do with the then editor, Jon Peterson, who was trying to turn the Titans into the X-men in the 90s. Anyway, now it looks like Damian has put together a team to battle his granddad! Just like old times!

Since Benjamin Percy is writing this series, should we start a pool for how long until he tells us that racism is bad? I've got my money on this first issue!

This issue begins with Damian celebrating his 13th birthday with Alfred and a rabid bat loose in the kitchen. Maybe it's just another of his pets. He probably named it Dadsniff. The sniff is because it always makes him cry when he calls it dad and then he didn't want people to know he was crying so he said the sniff was part of the name. Most of the things I own have sniff in their name!

Percy's characterization of Damian is pathetic! He's showing his emotions and thanking Alfred and enjoying vanilla and strawberry cake! What the hell is this?! Percy had better not turn Damian into Tim Drake Lite or I'll have a stroke! I mean another stroke! I've probably had two dozen since The New 52 began and I decided it was a good idea to read them all. Most of those were caused by Grifter and Ann Nocenti!

Oh! I have an aside! I've never played a single Final Fantasy game and after seeing the commercials for Final Fantasy XV, I'm super glad I never have! All of the characters look like major douchebags!

So the birthday was in the past. The comic book begins in the present where Damian has all of his future friends strung up so he can tell them that he wished to have a superhero team and now they have to help make that wish come true. Most of them will probably be all, "Sure! I'm not mad at you at all for kidnapping me and ruining my life!" Although Starfire might be a little bit upset because she has a terrible temper. Also because she was trying to save some people enslaved by human traffickers when Damian nabbed her.

Since the future Teen Titans don't seem to be angry enough at Damian, he decides to insult them for a bit. He's really proving to be his father's child.

Damian smugly tells each future Teen Titan the reason he was able to catch them all so easily. He's wrong on every account. The reason he was able to catch them because he ambushed them when they weren't suspecting an ambush. Any supervillain worth their death laser knows that you can always defeat the hero in the first issue of a story because they aren't suspecting trouble! It's practically the only way superhero stories begin!

It actually wasn't insightful at all. But Percy nailed how his writing is super annoying!

Damian introduces the kids to his pet Goliath. While he does that, I'm busy wondering if it was wrong to masturbate to Starfire's comic book all those times now that she's about to be a member of the Teen Titans. She's probably twenteen, right? Is that a number that doesn't make me a sex pervert?

Starfire destroys the electro-shackles imprisoning all of the future Teen Titans so that they can get their asses kicked by Damian again. Just like he wants! I'm sure he takes no pride in defeating them all when they weren't suspecting his attack. But he'll definitely take pleasure in destroying them not that he's made them all angry.

Let me take a moment to say this fight that I haven't read yet should end in Damian whimpering naked on the floor as Kid Flash throws his clothes on the lawn and pours bleach on them. Also Damian should have many third degree burns, cobra bites, and severe psychological trauma from a trip through Raven's soulself. But Damian can't lose because Batman never loses and Damian is basically Tiny Batman. I mean, Batman loses sometimes! But he never completely loses! And he definitely never loses when it's a battle against other heroes. Oh, and when the Justice League have to lose in the first issue of a five issue story, Batman is always the last one standing. I wonder if any time somebody says Batman in a meeting at DC, they have to take a break so everybody can change their underwear.

After the fight which consists mainly of Beast Boy getting punched into an octopus, Kid Flash catching that octopus, Raven putting Goliath to sleep, and Starfire shooting one starbolt at Robin and missing, Robin decides to give them the Teen Titan Leader Speech.

Strong?! They didn't do anything as a team! Unless he's just talking about Starfire's crotch from behind game. That really is strong!

Damian declares that they're the new Teen Titans! And Garfield is all, "What the fuck?! If you want a team, you should ask your friends!" And then Doc Holliday is all, "I don't." I mean, Damian is all, "I don't have any friends!" And then everybody is all, "Oh no! Batsniff! Batsniff! Boo hoo!"

After Damian declares he has no friends and he's a virgin and he's a little bit into smothering bats and hiding them around the mansion, he explains how thirteen is supposed to be the worst year of your life. Is that true? Who told him that?! Was Alfred ranting and bullshitting because he was drunk on cooking sherry during Damian's birthday party? I think I had my first major crush when I was thirteen. Before that, I had a few minor crushes like Grace Bamberger and the girl in the Elfquest t-shirt.

And you know the best thing to do with a fist!

It doesn't matter what you thought the best thing to do with your fist is because it was probably way more perverse than what I was thinking. Unless nothing is more perverse than anal fisting?

Damian nailed his characterization of the previous incarnations of the Teen Titans. I'll even allow, being that this is Rebirth, that he's talking about Dick's old team too! Boy what loser jerks those guys were! And three of the members of this team were on that team!

Everybody sort of agrees to be part of the team because Beast Boy likes having friends to joke around with and get foot massages from (apparently), and Raven is super emo and lonely and only pretends to not like hanging out with her friends, and Kid Flash needs to find a place to fit into this universe, and Starfire loves to fuck. So they're all on board!

The story has an epilogue which covers the end of the day on Damian's 13th birthday. It's the day he becomes Tiny Batman but instead of a bat crashing through the window, he lets the bat trapped in the house out. It's symbolic or something! It's like he's pushed his father away to become a man! Except Batman is never around so he Damian had to do this whole symbolic thing instead of the usual thing young boys do where they slit their father's throat and then fuck their mother in his congealing blood.

Oh! There's a double epilogue in this issue! The other epilogue shows graduation day in the League of Assassins. Ra's al Ghul has trained up an elite squad of five assassins who will hunt down the Teen Titans. They're called the Demon's Fist and you all definitely now know the best thing to do with a fist!

The Review!
This is shaping up to be another Teen Titans book where the Titans do nothing heroic at all! They simply gather together to save themselves and emerge from the shadows of their parents (or grandparents (or sisters (or children from the future))). I don't mind so much because this group of Teen Titans has Damian instead of Tim Drake. That automatically makes it better and more interesting and way sexier even though I don't find Damian sexy at all. It's just that Tim Drake was negative sexy. I didn't learn that racism was bad this issue, so I guess I already lost the pool. I'd feel better about the loss if Batcow had made an appearance. When is Kid Flash going to find out that he's got to take care of a cow as part of his duties?

Batman Beyond #1

This looks better than I expected!

These covers where you're supposed to get an artist to draw some raunchy T&A shot of an underage character are wasted on me. Not because I'm against pervy men drawing fuck fantasies on my comic book covers! Because I never go out of the house and I never meet any artists and if I did, they would probably say, "Didn't you criticize my art and say you wish time travel were an actuality so you could go back in time and sew my mother's vagina shut?" And I would be all, "Lord no! That's violence against women which I don't agree with even in theoretical situations and imaginary conversations which I've written! Although that does sound vaguely familiar!" Then I'd get thrown out of my fourth San Diego Comic Con.

I've been to San Diego Comic Con three times (many, many, many years ago! Before it was cool and popular! People probably get laid there now, right?!). One of those times, I was there with Dan Santat, the creator of The Replacements cartoon. Dan was housemates with my friend Upright and we ate breakfast at The Broken Yolk Cafe in Pacific Beach. One of his characters in The Replacements was called Dick Daring. Which seemed odd since he did art for a fanzine some friends and I were writing called The Galactic Hero Corps which featured a character named Dirk Daring. Although what's even more odd is that my friends, who created Dirk Daring, didn't realize they were stealing the name from the video game, Dragon's Lair. Dum-dums!

I so rarely meet anybody or get to name drop that I figured I'd force that one in!

Here's Dan's rendition of Carlotta Everyday, a fourth dimensional superhero who just confused everybody around her. He was the best artist I ever had! Um, figuratively!

The second caption on the first page of this first issue of Batman Beyond has the word "butit" in it. I think that's a typo but since I don't know all of the words, I might be mistaken. I mean, is it more probable that it's a word I've never heard of or more probable that everybody getting this issue to print missed a typo on the first page of the first issue? That makes it seem like nobody gives a shit about this book? If nobody getting paid can be bothered to give a shit about this comic book then why should I pay money for it? See? That's so ridiculous that it must be a word I've never heard of.

This issue is called "Escaping the Grave" without a Part Two on it. That's weird because the Rebirth issue was called "Escaping the Grave, Part One." It's almost as if DC is pretending the Rebirth book doesn't exist at this point! Which really ticks off my wallet because I paid for that book and I want the information gleaned from it acknowledged in what is supposed to be the second part of the story! I'm really starting to lose my patience here, especially after that whole butit fiasco I mentioned just ten to twenty seconds ago, depending on how quickly you can read.

This is Terminal. He really fucking loves belts. And mascara!

I'm going to assume you didn't read my commentary on Batman Beyond Rebirth #1 where I hoped that The Joker being resurrected by Terminal was actually Lobo in which case I just told you that I said that there. Now you have all the information you need for why I'm so excited when Terminal calls The Joker "my main man"! I knew he had too many muscles to be The Joker! And since I'm not going to be reading Issue #2 of this series, I hope nothing in the next eighteen pages proves me wrong so I can continue to believe that I was right!

But seriously. Why does Terminal like belts so much? He even has belts on his arms! Is his fashion sense mental hospital chic?

Terry begins the issue under a ton of rubble because a building fell on him or something. I know I wanted the events of the Rebirth issue to have some consequences in this issue but, in reality, I can't even be bothered to remember how the Rebirth issue ended! I guess Terry got his ass kicked by the Venom Sucking Jokerz Gang Banger. Oh, and then got a building knocked on him. That makes sense though! Now the title can be both figurative and literal! Although I don't know if Terry crawling out from under the rubble is the literal part or Terry returning from death is the literal part. I've been sort of confused by the word "literal" lately.

Batman frees himself and continues the fight with the Venomized Jokerz Member again. You know, in a way that causes the previous battle in Rebirth not to matter at all!

Batman's secret identity is Bugs Bunny?

Terry almost gets killed fighting this guy who doesn't know his history and has confused Bane with The Joker. Stupid kids! They keep ignoring history, some day they're going to elect a fascist for president of the United States!

Terry winds up running because there are so many Jokerz and he's forgotten how to be Batman. I'm glad I'm not planning on reading this any further because I don't want to have to read a bunch of issues where he trains to get back into fighting shape. Isn't that what the Rebirth Issues are for? To get the characters back to the place they were before The New 52 ruined them? Or, at the very least, sort of close to that? The Rebirth Issue should have been one long training montage.

Back at the Batcave, Matt has brought in their friend Max to help out since Commissioner Gordon is too busy to do Bruce's job, which needs doing because Bruce apparently died in the beginning of Brother Eye's attack on the world. Which totally means he's not dead at all and he'll eventually reappear. Jurgens can't bring back the real Joker without also bringing back the real Bruce! They have to die in a repressed homosexual suicide act!

Terry decides the way to defeat Terminal is to infiltrate them as one of the Jokerz. So it's a good thing he has a spare Jokerz costume in the Batcave bathroom! And body paint. And hair dye. And make-up.

The Review!
In a shocking turn of events, I've read my last Batman Beyond comic book ever! I think I deserve some cake! If that wasn't a good enough review for a comic book reviewer, just remember that I'm not a reviewer! I'm a critic! Which means I'm critical of things! So critical that I can't be bothered to read this crap anymore.



*Copy and Pasted Bat Person Art Credit From "Bat Licking Penis" Google Image Search: "LaCrosse man-bat by Richard Svensson."

Batman Beyond Rebirth #1

When did Todd McFarlane start doing covers for DC?

This week, DC Comics' New Talent Showcase #1 hits the shelves. While I enjoy writing about how badly other people write, do I really want to spend $7.99 to break the hearts of young writers getting their first big break? Unless this isn't their first big break at all. Or they're not young. Or they don't have any hearts to break because they're cold, calculating Scott Lobdell types who conned their way into getting a comic book gig. I probably won't buy it but it's a question mark on my list of comics to pick up on Wednesday. It's unlikely that I'll buy it because it's a talent show and none of the writers are related to me. Why should I waste my time?

Is New Talent Showcase #1 like those poetry collections that accept poems from everybody who sends one in because they know each poem published means a certain number of sales from that person's family and friends? Oh, and Harley Quinn is on the cover! So that will cover the other costs of publishing what, I'm guessing, will be, essentially, garbage.

The way Batman Beyond Rebirth #1 begins makes me thankful that I decided, before reading it, to strike it from my reading list. It begins with the caption "Several decades from now." But it's not the caption that made me cringe! It's the font and style of the caption box! It's Futures End! Is that the name of the style? Like Helvetica or Jokerman? Probably!

This story is called "Escaping the Grave, Part 1." What's wrong with Dan Jurgens? This is a Rebirth issue! It's not supposed to have more than just the one part! Unless the other parts are also in this issue, I'm going to be upset. I mean, I'm already upset because I can't help assuming that the other parts won't be in this issue! This isn't my usual, irrational anger either! I have evidence that proves Dan Jurgens doesn't know the conventions of comic book serial storytelling! The final five issues of the regular Batman Beyond comic book made up the story "Wired for Death." But it was a four part story with an epilogue. I wouldn't have a problem with that except the climactic fight took place in the epilogue! That's not how fucking epilogues work, Dan Jurgens! I suppose that evidence might not mean Dan Jurgens doesn't understand how to write stories. It could also just mean that he's terrible at planning and thought "Wired for Death" was only going to take four issues. But then editorial probably threw some mandates at him and he had to scramble to change some stuff and needed one more issue to make it all work. Which is probably why the final issue of the story has a Guest Artist and Guest Inker! Because the contracts for Bernard Chang and Marcelo Maiolo were up at the end of the original length of the story.

Why am I rationalizing this for Dan Jurgens?! He's a grown robot! He can defend himself! I'd rather just believe that Dan Jurgens can't handle the basics of writing conventions! Although, since he's a robot built in the middle of the 1980s without any extra memory or input ports to learn anything new after he was built, I should be blaming his programmer.

Also, the previous paragraphs were about Dan Jurgens and his inability to understand writing conventions! Leave me out of it!

Being that this is Rebirth, it's time for a new take on Batman Beyond! Which, of course, is the old take! I can't really blame DC Comics for ditching The New 52 to try to recapture their old universe. Mostly because DC Comics never took advantage of The New 52! It was supposed to be a time for trying new things and really changing things up! Instead, they just offered bland recyclings of the same old characters but without any history or legions of supporting characters. I won't admit to typing this and will later delete it and deny its existence but Ann Nocenti might have been the most cutting edge writer of The New 52. By not understanding any of the characters she was allowed to molest, she wrote the most drastically different versions of old characters in The New 52! I mean, could anybody recognize her Green Arrow as being DC's Green Arrow? Or Catwoman? Or Katana? Or even Klarion! Wow, was she terrible! But fuck was she fun to discuss! I'll miss her terribly!

Like the narrator of Robert Frost's "Birches", I hope I'm not misunderstood by making that statement! I don't want her back! I just want to acknowledge how much I enjoyed it when she was around!

Oh, back to the new take on Batman Beyond! This time it's Terry McGinnis battling the Jokerz in Neo-Gotham! See? Everything new is old again! Or is that statement supposed to be the other way around? Whatever!

Terry McGinnis tells his origin story right off the bat because this is Rebirth! Best to get that out of the way for all of the new readers who picked up this book because they thought it was the new issue of Venom.

Bruce Wayne was out walking Ace. Except he forgot Ace.

Somebody on my Facebook feed just posted something called the Saran Wrap Ball Christmas Game. I'm sure most people who have no life and actually have a Facebook account have seen it by now! But I just wanted to point out an idiotic alternate rule of the game. In the game, somebody rolls two dice. When they get doubles, the Saran Wrap Ball is passed to the next person who gets to begin unwrapping it. The alternate rules state that you can "maybe use just one of the dice and pick a number that has to be hit to pass the ball." If they've added this rule because they think that might make the turns go faster then they've got another think coming. It's the same odds to role doubles on two dice as to role a specific number on one die: 1 in 6. If that's not the reason for the alternate rule, why even use two dice in the first place? Just use one die because you're less apt to lose one off the table. It's much easier to control one random element than two! Especially when, I'm assuming, everybody is drunk and half-naked!

Terry walked Bruce home to his mansion where he slipped him some drugs. While he was passed out, Terry fiddled with his clock and suddenly found himself in Bruce's batcave. Charges were never pressed. Instead, Terry became the next Batman! This way of finding an apprentice is even worse than touring Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory of Death.

Bruce normally wouldn't take in an apprentice with such a normal family life so he had to rush out and murder Terry's father before Terry got home. You can't have a sidekick who discovers your secret identity and doesn't have dead parents! That would be the worst sidekick ever! So boring! So bland! So not sexy at all! So annoying! The worst! Awful! Terrible! Are the Tim Drake fans angry at me yet?

But now, years later, Batman must be dead. I mean, he's probably not dead since his death in Futures End never happened. But he's currently not in the Batcave helping Terry. So Terry has to work with Barbara Gordon and probably his brother Matt. That stuff will probably be cleared up in the next half of this comic book: "Escaping the Grave, Part 2!" I'm still assuming that will take place in this comic book! I haven't abandoned all hope for Dan Jurgens' writing ability yet!

Terry begins to believe The Joker might actually still be alive. Of course he is! And so is Batman! And this comic book will eventually stage another final fight between Bruce and The Joker! I don't think Dan Jurgens has gotten to write that story yet, unlike every other writer ever. That's probably because Dan got to write the Death of Superman! The real one and not one of those What If stories or Alternate Timeline fanfics!

Dana Tan, a social worker and most likely suspect in the taking of Terry's virginity, has ventured, unknowingly, into Jokerz Town! With a Z!

I hope The Boss is senile Bruce Wayne in face paint!

Terry decides to suit up and shut down Jokerz Town now that it's become personal! Dana is currently being kept in Terminal's club, No Laughing Matter. He reveals to her his big secret: he's trying to resurrect The Joker! OMG! WTF! BRB!

Okay, I'm back! I just couldn't get over the shock of that huge revelation! I mean, I'm going to assume it's actually The Joker who is being resurrected because that's a big deal for a Batman book. But the body in the hospital bed is pretty fucking ripped. It looks more like Lobo than The Joker! Has Ryan Sook never seen The Joker before?!

Wouldn't it be a great twist if Terminal really was resurrecting Lobo?! I'd read that comic book, even if Dan Jurgens were still writing it!

The Review!
Even if this comic book had done something super interesting as opposed to something super typical and expected, I probably wouldn't keep reading it. I just can't keep up with all of these comic books anymore now that I'm seriously working on other projects. Also, I've never been interested in Batman Beyond. And they aren't going to make me more interested by bringing back the actual Joker. Enough of that guy! I'm fairly certain he was played out years ago. Just like his moll has been played out in recent years! I'm starting a petition for no more Harley Quinn and Joker stories! Just write your name on whatever bathroom stall you're sitting in while reading this. If we get enough signatures, something will happen! Right? Politics!

Batman Beyond #16

How come no supervillain in the DC Universe has yet discovered that every hero's secret identity is given away by their shadow?

My back is still fucked up (but not as fucked up as it was two weeks ago) so it's still too uncomfortable to sit in my office chair and write. That's probably enough explanation for why I'm now about a month behind on my comics and I'm busy reading old Batman Beyond comic books that I really don't have any interest in. Maybe I should go to the doctor to get some opiate-based pain medication. It's possible that will make Tim Drake and Terry McGinnis more interesting.

I hadn't thought of it before but Tim Drake was the perfect character to take over for Terry McGinnis. Both of their names begin with T and I don't fucking care about either of them!

Not last issue but the issue before (twenty four robbers came knocking at my door! Then they went upstairs to kiss a fella but made a mistake and kissed a snake. Then the monkeys began rolling off the bed (unless they were jumping on it?) and a whole bunch of doctors had to be called in to suck the poison out of somebody or something), the creative team decided to show Rewire without his mask on as the big shock ending. Aside from the three fangenders who totally lose their shit for Terry McGinnis, nobody else understood the big reveal. You see, it was Terry who was Rewire! The Next Month Blurb sort of hinted at it being Terry but that doesn't really help when you have a surprise twist ending that nobody gets. When you just kind of think you get the surprise twist but you might be reaching and you're definitely making assumptions, it doesn't really work. But it's been confirmed since then that Terry McGinnis is back! Not because he survived Futures End (most of us didn't) but because Tim Drake is now in a new timeline where Terry McGinnis never had to go back in time to stop Brother Eye! Maybe?

You know what? It doesn't matter! Futures End was terrible and stupid and Batman Beyond, taking place in the Futures End future, is even more terrible and stupid. Also, just in case you've forgotten while reading the first few paragraphs, fucking Donald Trump is going to be the president of the United States of America. That's fucking absurd. If you don't think it's absurd, you probably don't think much of anything. Or you're just a hateful, despicable person who never moved past third grade where you disagreed with everybody you hated no matter how stupid a stance it caused you to take.

Terry McGinnis is under the thrall of Spellbinder which is why he's trying to kill Batman Beyond. Terry also has a problem with his heart which is why Tim Drake will eventually give up the Batsuit so that it can keep Terry alive. Then Tim Drake will, as the cover shows, hike across America solving problems and helping the nearly unhelpable. That's always a good premise for episodic storytelling.

Speaking of episodic storytelling, I just watched the first episode of Black Mirror and it was terrible. It was fucking horrible. I hate saying this because I generally like Charlie Brooker, the writer of the episode, on panel shows and You Have Been Watching. I suppose if I want to look past the inanity of the plot and talk about it as a parable about what politicians will do based on polls and their likability, it's less terrible than I first said and actually sort of interesting. But I can't get past the idea that a Prime Minister would fuck a pig on television to save a woman being held hostage. Governments are never supposed to negotiate with terrorists! Even if the entire population of Great Britain would look unfavorably on the Prime Minister for letting a woman die instead of fucking a pig, the guy would never fuck a pig. Nobody would allow him to fuck a pig based on terrorist demands! I mean, if he wanted to fuck a pig, they'd make sure he could fuck a pig without the media finding out. But nobody would even consider fucking the pig as one of the options! Yet in this episode, right from the beginning, everybody acts as if the Prime Minister might have to fuck a pig! They keep assuring him that it won't come to that as if he'd really be thinking that it might actually come to that! As soon as the first person said to me, if I were Prime Minister, "Sir, you know that if you don't fuck the pig, nobody will think you have blood on your hands," I'd be all, "I fucking know that, asshole! And I'm not fucking a pig to negotiate with some kidnapper, you idiot! Why would you even think I'd ponder that idea?! I know I'm not fucking a pig! If this princess is killed, it's the killer's fault! Now stop being an idiot and do something productive, like feeding my fucking turkeys in the basement! And I meant that fucking as an adjective to describe how I use the turkeys and not as an expletive!"

So, um, anyway, Terry is about to kill Tim when Matt, Terry's little brother, comes crashing through the wall inside a Batplane. That's like something Robin Beyond would do! I wonder if Matt's already thinking up his take on the costume?

Matt causes enough of a diversion to allow Tim to start slapping the shit out of people.

Tim Drake hits women!

Spellbinder gets his ass kicked by Tim Drake which doesn't seem as realistic as I think this comic book should be. I mean, it is about a Robin who jumped into another timeline to become Batman, so you'd think the limits to my disbelief would have already been reached. But I have nearly limitless capacity to believe comic book nonsense! But Tim Drake beating down the bad guy with his fists is a bit much. Although I don't know anything about Spellbinder! He's probably just a huge nerd with no fighting prowess which makes his being knocked out by Tim Drake make sense.

I'm sure a lot of people think Tim Drake is just as capable at hand-to-hand combat as any of the Robins but then we all have different head-canons, don't we? To me, Tim Drake has always been worthless when things resorted to fisticuffs. Look at how he was killed by only a couple of hundred of drones in Detective Comics! Such a terrible fighter!

After the big battle (which took place in the Epilogue! That's weird. I think that's bad planning!), everybody goes back to the Batcave where Tim Drake can retire as Batman Beyond, steal a Batcycle, and hit the road in his own futuristic version of Kung Fu. Unless he's more like The Incredible Hulk. Or maybe The Lone Ranger?

There's an epilogue to this epilogue! Tim Drake is pulled into a flash of light as he sets off on his adventure! What could it mean?! Where is he now?! Is this part of some new Crisis?! Where could...fuck me. I don't really give a shit.

The Review!
Futures End went on for far too long. This was just another piece of that huge mistake by DC Comics. They tried to create some exciting stories by looking at where their characters would be in five years and they fucked it all up. This was, I think, the last vestiges of that shitty story. And this even went on too long because it needed these last five issues to get Terry McGinnis and the Batman Beyond world back on track! I won't be reading the Rebirth Batman Beyond because I finally decided to make a lot of cuts to my monthly reading list. I do have Rebirth and the first issue though, so I'll get a taste. I hope I don't like the taste! I hope it tastes like semen!

Not that I know what semen tastes like or if I have a fondness for it!

Batman Beyond #15

Thank the grand universal consciousness that these nauseous hypno guy covers are coming to an end.

If you ever want to realize how desperately pathetic and stupid most people are, just click on any joke made by a relatively famous comedian on Twitter and read the comments. I'm not even talking about the comments where people are angry over their hot take on the tweet! I'm talking about the people who agree with the comedian and think they're adding to the joke with their lonely cries into the abyss. Take this Tweet by Patton Oswalt, for example: "Chex Mix is a vegetable, right?" I know he's asking a question but he obviously doesn't actually give a shit about your hilarious response! Just look at some of the saddoes responding to it:

Loser. It really is disgusting that the Internet has given everybody a voice!

The main problem with the Internet isn't the voice thing; it's that it hasn't given anybody ears. I suppose it wouldn't matter. What's to hear, really, when everybody is screaming at the same time? And even if most people took the time to listen, they'd be too dumb to comprehend what was being said anyway.

Does Twitter have a feature that enables Verified Users to only see Verified User responses? I'd want to be verified for simply that reason! It would certainly clean up all the nutjob responses I wind up rabbit holing into. Why are stupid people and train wrecks so hard to turn away from?

If your response to me calling people stupid and dumb is that I'm being ableist, you can fuck the hell right off. It's like really stupid people have decided the only way to stop people from calling out their lack of intelligence is to claim the other person is gross and disgusting. Just be thankful you're not smart because it's hell living among morons!

I'm really killing this Internet voice thing!

The Review!
Oh for fuck's sake. Terry McGinnis is alive because Tim Drake is in a different version of the future which is like Futures End's version but different because fuck you.

Batman Beyond #14

I'm not really interested in this comic book so I'm going to play some Nethack as I read it.

I usually play Nethack by letting the game randomly assign a class for me. That's because I don't care about winning. I mean, eventually I would like to win! It's just that I know that is unlikely because I have never read any spoilers. I just try to learn as much as I can, experiment, buy clues from the Oracle, and try not to die the same way twice. Unless that same way is starvation or falling down the stairs while cursed with a ball and chain and getting my head bashed in by the ball. This adventure, I'm a Barbarian! That's good because Barbarians are easy to play! At least up to a point.

And that point was the top level of the Sokoban tower where I stupidly thought I was powerful enough to fight a Winged Gargoyle after battling dozens of other monsters with my stomach full of troll! I found a Wand of Wishing almost immediately but, since I don't read spoilers, I don't know the proper way to use one! I just wished for an uncursed Amulet of Reflection because being zapped by some jerk Kobold that got its hands on a Wand of Lightning is my least favorite way to die. And it saved my life on the way to my Amulet of Life-Saving! Or another Wand of Wishes? I forget what's in the treasure room at the top of Sokoban Tower. It's been years since I've played. Anyway, a Centaur tried to lightning bolt me to death and instead lightning bolted himself to death. It left me blind but he had a Unicorn's Horn on him and I used it to cure my blindness. Which was a good thing because the next monster trying to kill me was a Cockatrice! If I'd been blind and felt his corpse, I might have turned to stone! Although I had Gloves of Power on, so that wouldn't have been a problem. Plus I had two lizards to eat although I don't know that I would have heeded the messages that I was turning to stone. Sometimes I play too quickly!

So it was a pretty decent game for my first time back in a long while. Also, Batman Beyond wasn't too exciting. I guess Rewire 2.0 (who must be Terry, right?!) is being used by the Spiral Face Hypnoguy. He's convinced Rewire that Batman wants him dead, so I guess they'll fight or something! Also, Matt McGinnis might become Robin or something.

The Review!
Nethack is a fun game! I've probably wasted about 2% of my life so far playing it! I haven't done the math on that statement but it's probably true. The amount of my life I've spent on Batman Beyond doesn't even register! I wish it registered even less than it normally did because this series is boring!