Batman and Robin Eternal #21

Tony S. Daniel hits on a way to make a young girl not look like an older woman who he's drawing like a young girl: tomboy her up!

Rating: No change.

This is the issue that says things that have already been said in lots of other comic books in other places. Once again, a Batman villain has gone through the same kinds of things that young Bruce Wayne went through but--surprise, surprise!--they turned into a jerk! But Mother gets to parallel Batman maybe even more than most of the others because she went the Batman route and began training young people traumatized by life to follow in her footsteps. So now the mirror can be held up to Batman's sidekicks so that readers can stop pointing out how awful putting children in danger is and they can go, "Oh! Batman is doing the right thing! Um, at least compated to what Mother is doing!"

The Harper Row aspect of the story just seems like somebody spoke up in an editorial meeting and asked, "Why is Batman so adverse to training Harper Row when he's taken in so many other kid sidekicks? Sexist!" But now we see why he kept turning her away! Because he was trying to deny that Mother had any influence on Harper's life at all. He was also trying to do to Harper what Alfred has been doing to Bruce in the recent issues of Batman. Deny them their destiny just so that they can be boring prats! Or something. I might have gotten the point of it all wrong.

I'm just about to the "A Lonely Place of Dying" in the 80s New Titans comic books but I won't be reading it. Too bad because it would be interesting to reflect on Batman and his sidekicks through the lens of that story. The reason I won't be reading it is complicated and...well, okay it's not complicated but I'm not going to go into it here so it'll seem more mysterious and less boring than it really is.

The New Titans #58 (September 1989)

Troia flashing Raven is my favorite cover.

More Wildebeest intrigue. It feels like the hunt for Wildebeest has taken up about 25% of The New Teen Titans issues up until this point. Probably because they’ve been the most interesting stories. Although I seem to remember getting pretty fucking tired of seeing Wildebeest on the cover back when I first read these. Probably because the Wildebeest plot is only now ramping up to take over this series for quite some time. So much so that Scrappy Wildebeest Doo even becomes a thing when the Team Titans come around. Possibly before that. But right around that time, anyway.

The New Titans #57 (August 1989)

This issue was well done and enjoyable which is a pleasant surprise since most of these old Titans books have been lackluster and mediocre. Although the Titans were still more dangerous to New York than helpful. Especially since Wildebeest was Cyborg in disguise being mind-controlled! Or would that mean he was just hacked? I forget how long this Wildebeest story arc goes before the monster behind Wildebeest is revealed. I don’t remember who it was but–come on!–it’s got to be Slade, right?

No wonder Dick is always screaming at Joseph to enter him.

Bitch Planet #7

Why was this President Bitch Part One?! Where was President Bitch?! I think I spent too much time on the shower scene! You know, absorbing its feminism! Don't believe that I spent all that time on the "exiting stasis" scene! That's a dirty filthy lie! It takes way bigger dicks than that to get me to pretend I'm not heterosexual!

I don't remember who Whitney was because I'm old and can't remember books from month to month. Especially when the last time I read an issue of this book's main story was back in December. I sort of think I've got it figured out based on context. At least I remembered who Shithead was! That guy is hilarious! He's all, "Look at me! I'm peeping on naked women! Oh no! The naked women are kicking my ass! Eeep! Now I'm being forced to work with them and spy on all the men! Ack! I'm Non-Compliant!"

All the words in the back of the magazine probably make some really interesting points but there weren't enough naked lady pictures to space out the words so I totally didn't read any of it. Although I probably should because that letter from that guy claiming he was totally into equality and then shat all over feminists and expected to be congratulated was comedy gold! I wonder if he meant to send that to Penthouse Forums?

Bitch Planet #6

Meiko's father's name means "truth" and her mother's name means "dream". Discuss!

I don't know what Meiko's name or her sister Mirai's name mean because I don't know all of the Japanese words! I know Makoto because that was Sailor Jupiter's name and I know everything about the Sailor Scouts including their blood types. And I know yume because I love dreams and dreaming and dreaming about dreams. I love dreams so much that there's that flashback scene in the Cowboy Bebop movie (I think it was the movie and not one of the shows (wait, was there a movie?! Um, anyway)) where whats-his-name remembers somebody dying or passing out in the rain or something? The dying character speaks but you don't hear what the character says. As I watched that scene, I actually read the cartoon character's lips and said to the Non-Certified Spouse, "He said dream! Yume!" Later in the show, the scene is replayed and that's what was said. I'd like to continue patting myself on the back for reading a cartoon character's lips (even though I really only could have guessed "yume", "risu", or "shiri") but I think I should probably point out that that was some spot on fucking animation!

Martian Manhunter #9

Why can't he be the Mecha Martianhunter? Or just the Martian Martianhunter? Why does he have to be any kind of hunter at all?

Rating: No change.

While reading the first few pages of this story, I began thinking, "How are they going to finish this rambling tale that went off the tracks a few issues ago if the comic book is about John Constantine throwing up in a toilet? Then the action returned to Mars where Ma'alefa'ak's mech was quickly taken over by J'onn and he began to rally his different aspects. I began thinking, "Oh! Hey! Maybe this story can wrap up this issue so I can stop being bored and get back to enjoying it!" But then I remembered that the Constantine part happened where Rob Williams actually wrote the Constantine's magic level was "Joe Strummer." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? His magic level is aging, past its prime, and only popular with aging punks and the kind of people who love to talk about music but nobody ever wants to talk music with them because they're insufferable bastards?

Um, so anyway, the story will continue in the next issue where J'onn will finally learn the reason for his existence and why he's a weapon and how he's meant to save Mars but will eventually betray it for thirty Oreos.

As a final note, I think Rob Williams doesn't know how telescopes work. He's used them in two different scenes that have become the two most unrealistic scenes in a comic book about an alien using blood magic to bring an ancient Mars full of sentient Martians into the present to merge with the Earth.

Harley Quinn #25

Why is Batman not as pale as these two?

Rating: No change.

In this issue, Harley Quinn puts some punctuation on her break-up with The Joker. The only problem with having that story told in this comic book is that it doesn't have any bearing on the regular DC Youniverse. But I think it offers a clue as to what's going on in this book. This comic book is just Harley's subconscious, perfect life. It's what she dreams about while locked away in Belle Reve or fantasizes about while in the showers (that's mostly the Poison Ivy parts). This is the life she wants to be able to live but she just can't bring herself to be this person.

Harley ultimately wants to do this to The Joker. She craves the ability to say no to him. But it can only happen in her head and the proof to that is that The Joker is currently not The Joker. He's some guy who hangs out on a park bench begging Bruce Wayne not to become Batman. He hasn't been in Arkham for a long time.

Harley dreams of having a family so she winds up in a building packed with strange people she's conjured up, and she hires a bunch of people to be in her gang. She dreams of having stability so she has a normal job counseling people in a retirement home. She still craves action so she joins a Roller Derby league that actually encourages hyper-violence and, occasionally, death. She craves a father figure and so she dreams up Sy Borgman whose metaphor as a construct is plain as day. She even dreams of living in a comic book city where some of her favorite comic book heroes like Spider-man, She-hulk, and Daredevil live!

It's possible that this entire comic book is just an experiment being conducted on her by Amanda Waller and one of her secret Task Force X members, Doctor Destiny. Using his materioptikon, he puts Harley into the most normal setting he can and lets her imagination run wild. The experiment is probably meant to help recover her sanity so that she's useful to Amanda's team and not simply a loose cannon.