Superman #6

Who points a gun at a rampaging Superman? Morons point a gun at a rampaging Superman!

First off, let me say my commentary on Superman #5 was a rambling batch of beauty. I especially liked the part where the Cujo/Titano part. Good job, Past Me.

Anyway, at the end of Issue #5, the real Superman was waking up in Earth orbit while a less morally strict Superman was busy killing and maiming things in Metropolis, including one of PGN's anchormen, Billy McCoy! That guy was a real douche anyway. And he'll probably end up being saved anyway. Let's hope Issue #6 ends this confusing story line about Superman and the Fire, Ice, Lizard, and Doppleganger Kryptonians!

Issue #6 begins with Supergirl saving Billy McCoy's life. Aww! What a dumb slut! I'm surprised she didn't punch him in the nose first. She still can't speak English. But she just came from confronting Superboy and hasn't even met The Silver Banshee yet. And that's who I think will each her English with her magical language powers.

Is it common knowledge that Superman is from Krypton? I can't keep all of the New 52 facts straight!

The phony Superman continues to beat the super out of Supergirl until Lois screams at Clark to stop. Clark can hear Lois from space because he's got a phone in his suit. I believe she had dialed Clark earlier to try to get in contact with him. That was at the end of the last issue. But now when she called for Superman, Clark answered on her phone. I know she's been suspicious that Superman and Clark may have a link but I don't think she's realized it here. She just switched from calling out to Superman beating Supergirl to realizing Clark is speaking to her over her headset.

Superman is in space because whichever issue ended when he was covered in bugs was when he was exchanged. The bugs are Nanites from some ancient world that the Collector of Worlds had taken. But this world in a jar was unstable and blew up. The Collector destroyed the remnants but missed a single nanite.

Do you think Perez wrote himself into a corner with this story? Or did he have access to Grant Morrison's Action Comics scripts up to Issue #7 when he wrote Superman #4?

Back in Issue #4, the Nanites in the form of the Ice Kryptonian, the Fire Kryptonian, the Lizard Kryptonian, and the swarm of bugs told Superman that he created them. But he didn't create them! He just gave the single Nanite a lift five years ago. Wait. Five years ago? But that's when the Justice League was created? And Superman is still very young in Action Comics. He looks much more like a grown man in Justice League. I think Superman is a bit confused due to being in space and having his thoughts stolen and having been replicated.

So none of this is really making much sense. The Nanites have the ability to read minds? And why did the Nanites create the Fire, Ice, and Lizard Supermen? Why did they say they were created to purge? They were obviously created to create from what Superman learned about their history when he reverse-mind-read the Nanite Superman.

I have a feeling George Perez shifted where the story was going at some point so a lot of plot points aren't going to line up very well. So maybe I should just finish reading this comic and move on to the Jurgens/Giffen version of Superman.

*sigh* Cue the laugh track to go fucking mental. Nanite Superman is saying, ugh, "Bazinga."

Eventually, the real Superman flies down to defeat the Nanite Superman. It's about time!

OMG! Two Supermans!? Um, Supermen?

The Nanite Superman then screams in Old Portuguese, "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do!" Ugh. Why make the alien yell such stupid phrases? Did the letterer think he was being funny? Did George Perez script these things? Whoever is to blame, did they not realize that this language would be cracked immediately and fans would be reading this stupid shit? Maybe fans love this kind of thing. "Oh look! Nanite Superman is quoting Sheldon! Too rich!" "Oh! Oh! Now he's doing Ricky Ricardo! Ah ha ha ha!" Ugh. Ugh. Ugh to the fifteenth power.

The rest of the comic has Superman beating the Nanite Superman into Gray Goo. While he beats it up, he explains what happened in the preceding issues. This is always done when a story doesn't make any sense and the reader would never have figured out what happened. It's possible George Perez was writing a different story and then he had an "a-ha" moment that most writers typically have when the story they're working on just falls together and clicks. It's just that his A-ha! moment and the story he came up with sucked. Or maybe this was the plan from the start. It sort of makes sense and kind of comes together in that way that nobody will understand until Superman explains every single detail of the story. I'll spend a brief paragraph on it and then we'll be done with this mess.

Superman attacked some terrorists with his heat ray. The Nanites made a Fire Person. Superman put out the apartment fire with his freezing breath. The Nanites made an Ice Person. Superman used his super hearing and super sight in the subway and the Nanites made something Superman couldn't hear or see. Even Superman points out how stupid that is. And then the Nanites decided Superman needed to be replaced as well. So that's probably why they thought Superman made them. Because they were created in his Super Powers' images. Or something. The Nanites could also read Superman's mind somehow.

Superman Issue #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. This whole story arc has been a confusing mess. There were times when I liked some of the things going on in the story but that was when I still thought the story was incomprehensible because it hadn't played out enough yet. But seeing as how it played out all the way to the end and then Superman had to do a recap so the reader could understand it, the story just plain sucked. Also, why did the Nanite Superman's heat vision hurt Supergirl so badly? Was it filled with Nanites trying to tear her apart? And why am I still asking questions?!

DC Universe Presents #8: Challengers of the Unknown

One issue left and three talismans to go? I predict they do die.

Last issue left off with the majority of the living Challengers still in Germany and the majority of the dead Challengers in Challenger's Mountain.

This issue begins here.

First off, the colors in this issue seem a bit washed out. I think that's supposed to represent all of the sun shining out of the Sun Gate. It makes me feel like I have cataracts. Or how I believe having cataracts would affect my vision.

The next Talisman is on the top of this sun gate. The sun gate leads to the Realm of the Giant Ant God. I'm not sure the team gained enough experience points last issue to fight a swarm of Giant Fire Ants! Although Brenda seems to have increased her Fleeing Skill.

What the hell does Brenda bring to this team?

Red has climbed to the top of the Sun Gate because he's the only one with the Climbing Skill. He manages to knock the next Talisman out of the gate and the gate begins sucking the Giant Ants into it. The gate isn't very particular about what it sucks down its maw so the Challengers are also pulled toward the opening.

Oh! I guess Brenda was what we, in the parlance of Role Players, call a "Hit Eater."

Oh. Um. Geez. I'm sorry to see Brenda go! Maybe she'll come back. She's only been dragged off to a dimension ruled by Giant Fire Ants. Maybe they'll make her their queen, right?

The Challengers end up being interviewed by Billy McCoy (I believe that's the guy that Superman dropped off the building at the end of the last issue I read. If I'm remembering things correctly!). It sounds like Ken died of his wounds from Ace but The Prof survived. Hopefully Kenny Kawa left the Challenger's Headquarters to June or Rocky so they don't get kicked out by whoever inherits his winter retreat.

Emily Briggs! Vampire! Former Outsider! I can't wait for her comic in August!

The Prof has indeed survived. He tells June that the talisman they just recovered is The Seal of Shamash and should have been in the Middle East. I think they found it because the Challengers were somehow drawn to it. Perhaps Ace has the last two and that way the Challengers won't have to spend another issue tracking down lost Talismans.

Meanwhile, June quits the show but Morgan Edge barely cares since they have enough footage for two more seasons of Challengers of the Unknown. The seasons will probably suck as they try to edit them into a coherent story line but people stick with shows they love for at least one lousy season before they abandon it. Morgan has the right idea!

The rest of the Challengers meet back at Challenger's Mountain to discuss the Talismans.

Ha ha! I knew there were more than five! I bet the artist, Ordway, told DiDio that he could fit seven together into a better pattern than five.

Except that isn't the Prof telling them there are seven talismans: it's Ace in disguise! So maybe there aren't seven! No, no. There are probably seven so that the Challengers have more talismans to hunt down when they return in one form or another. Ace manages to kill Rocky and put down the other Challengers. But the real Prof shows up and tells June to give Ace all of the talismans. She does and Ace is consumed by their power instead of being filled by it. Once again, they win out through sheer luck. Although Prof pretends he knew it would happen due to the insights he's made.

One Talisman for each Chosen Challenger. But Ken is dead. And Brenda missing. And Rocky possibly dead or dying.

DC Universe Presents #8: Challengers of the Unknown Rating: No change. I was planning on dropping this comic one rank simply because Aquaman is a better comic. But I really enjoyed this story and couldn't bring myself to do it. Anyway, I still have three issues of Aquaman to read and I'm sure it will move up past DC Universe Presents on its own. This was a pretty good introduction to the Challengers of the Unknown and it sets them up with a pretty decent premise for their own comic book. I had pretty much decided I wasn't going to be buying any of the New 52 mini-series and just stick with the main 52 books. But if DC decides to come out with a Challengers mini-series, I think I'll be picking it up!

Ahhhhhhh! Ghost heads!

DC Universe Presents #7: Challengers of the Unknown

I wonder how many Challengers of the Unknown covers have them in an hourglass?

This issue begins with Ace crawling out of the Well of Souls where a couple of Initiates of Rama Kushnu have decided to betray their Lord and summon whatever Being has taken over the body of Ace. Ace uses their lives to reinvigorate his rotting corpse and then proclaims, "The Challengers must die!"

Does he call them Challengers because he remembers that's what they were called on the television show? Or have they all fallen into some cosmic script where the role of the Challengers has existed for all time and the universe has finally cast the parts?

Morgan Edge produces the show. Therefore the show is evil.

At least two months have passed since the accident and it looks like the Reality Show has become something entirely different. The group has taken on the name The Challengers of the Unknown and they have a television set of Challenger's Mountain, the name of the headquarters of the old group. At this point, they're definitely the super hero version of The Monkees. But are they up to anything besides playing the roles on television?

On the side, the Challengers are still looking into the disappearance of Ace and the secrets locked away in Brody's talisman. No sign of their accident or Nanda Parbat can be found in the Himalayas so June believes their last chance lies in studying the Spiral Talisman. But they need a real scientific lab and not a fake MST3K style set of one. Luckily, their celebrity buddy Kenny Kawa (the one with 4 million "Flutter" followers! Lame! I only have 21 Followers!) has a pretty swanky headquarters in Colorado.

Looks like Challenger's Mountain to me!

Of course this tech savvy Kenny Kawa has a research lab that rivals STAR Labs. But is it as good as that nobody Crux's lab?! Apparently every rich or determined bastard in the new DCU who is at all interested in research can have technology way better than anything anybody else has. Do I have to try to rank these outfits? STAR Labs is supposed to be the best. But now Kenny Kawa claims to have a better lab than they have. And Waynetech and Q-Corp and Holt Holdings and Crux and Simon Tycho and Lex Luthor and all sorts of other people have better technology as well!

Kenny Kawa has already begun research on the Spiral Talisman.

Five pentagons don't fit together nicely. I think there needs to be more Talismans.

June's call is to Morgan Edge. She gets the Challenger's uniforms, a jet, and camera vests to film their television show. It looks like maybe Brody really did become lunch for a Great Old One which killed the Game Show aspect of the Reality Show. But in turn, the show has become an Adventure Reality show and it funds the Challengers trips to discover what happened to them in Nanda Parbat. This first mission is composed of June, Rocky, Red, Brenda, and Maverick.The Prof and Kenny Kawa remain behind to do more research.

Watching the team take-off from inside a hanger at the airport is Zombie Ace.

Are TSA Agents really allowed to carry guns? If so, I'm never stepping foot in an airport again. Not because I fear guns. I fear morons carrying guns.

Ace stabs both gun-wielding agents to death with his knife. Why is it the people with the ranged weapons always give up their power by engaging in close combat? Fucking dumb asses.

The Challengers land in Germany where they enter an ancient temple and discover the second talisman. June picks it up and triggers a trap that causes the temple to collapse. All of the Challengers manage to escape only to find the statues on the outside walls have come to life. So far, not one Challenger has shown any kind of expertise in anything aside from flying. And even that is debatable since they crashed into a mountain while doing that.

Meanwhile, back at Challenger's Mountain, The Prof and Kawa have hacked into somebody named Terrance Thirteen's laptop. This one person in all the world seems to know about these talismans. Part of what they read tells of a "cosmic event called 'The Convergence.'" Wait. My mistake. Terrance isn't the only person who knows about the Talismans.

But he is the only non-zombie person!

Back in Germany, the Challengers are being overwhelmed by stone statues. Maverick has some sort of Grenade Launcher that destroys one or two but he doesn't have much ammunition. He gives Red a grenade which doesn't seem like a good idea in this close combat.

Red climbing the temple in the background is the first example of one of the Challengers showing his expertise. He gets to the top and blows the temple top off with the grenade. It collapses on the statues while the rest of the Challengers get away.

But then again, I think the Challengers of the Unknown rely mostly on luck to be successful. This comic is a bit like an old school Computer Role Playing Game. The Challengers have eight members on their roster (seven if Kawa is actually dead from stabbage). But only six could be chosen to fill out the party that would go on the mission. So it's important to pick the characters with the right skills and attributes. This mission needed a pilot, so Maverick went. Luckily they had a Mountain Climber with sufficient skill in Projectiles, Explosive to save the day. And Brenda's primary skills are in Fame and Nails but she seems to have a really high Hiding Skill which enables her to find some cover sufficient for all of the Challengers to survive! And after all the Experience Points they'll get for a successful mission and killing six Stone Guardians, they should be able to level up! They also got some treasure: the Sefer Yetzirah, the second talisman!

Meanwhile, back at Challenger's Mountain:

Whoops!

DC Universe Presents #7: Challengers of the Unknown Rating: No change. Decent enough comic that I'm not going to drop its rank although it doesn't really match up to how much I liked Deadman. So I might have to drop the rank at least one point simply on principle that the title isn't as good as it was. I do think the Challengers of the Unknown could be a fun comic. But this story needs more time to tell. It just has too many characters and too many things going on for a 3 Issue mini-series! It gets by well enough seeing as how the characters are mostly stereotypes. So there really isn't a great need for back story when you can drop a few lines and the reader knows what to expect from a character. In the first issue, The Prof actually says, "I hate to play to stereotype" when he claims there must be a scientific explanation for some pretty freaky things. If the comic had more time and could get more in-depth and slow down the pace, I think it might be a fun ride. As it is, it's decent if a little hurried and crowded.

DC Universe Presents #6: Challengers of the Unknown

Normal humans versus a mountain! Who will win?!

The second chapter in the DC Universe Presents series focuses on a group of heroes I've never been interested in and is also written by Dan DiDio who did OMAC. Now a lot of people seemed to think OMAC was fun but more people thought OMAC wasn't even worth giving a chance. I thought DiDio concentrated too much on the mindless mayhem and not enough on Kevin Kho's OCD. I wanted to like it a lot more than I did. But this isn't about OMAC! This is about the Challengers of the Unknown! Who are these people? Well, let me tell you about their old DCU version!

Oh My Chaos, Tim Sale! You are the most horriblest artist ever! Didn't you also shit all over No Man's Land? Was that your feces in that?

Here we see the Challengers of the Unknown! Red (probably because he has red hair)! Rocky (probably because he's the muscles)! Ace (probably because he's the leader)! And Prof (probably because he's the smart one)! The names of these guys line up fairly well with my synopsis of human groups without super powers I wrote about in Blackhawks #1. Here we have the Muscle-man, the leader and the nerdy technician. So Red is either the Fat Guy or the Woman. Maybe he's a fat skinny guy. Or he's a woman in disguise since this team began in 1957 and no freedom loving group of explorers was going to be slowed down by some woman in a house dress and apron!

The description in Who's Who keeps using the word "diverse" to describe them. I guess since you can only tell them apart by their hair color, you kind of need to be convinced that they're all totally different. They were a group of diverse talents brought together to get young kids off the couch and exercising! Or to inspire them to greatness. One of those. Basically, they were the Monkees of the Super Hero world. And like the Monkees, they were brought together for marketing purposes but then went on to become what they had been faking being all along! For the Monkees, they became real musicians (I know a bunch of you cynical assholes are snickering at that. They had some really decent subversive songs for their time. Also a song about date rape!). For the Challengers of the Unknown, they became real heroes!

Okay, enough with the time travel. It's time to learn about the New Challengers of the Unknown! The group with an actual female in it!

The story opens with an article from Cat Grant of the Daily Planet, Arts and Entertainment Editor, about a reality show called "Challengers."

I like the premise so far but what d-list celebrities exist in the DCNU? Just made up ones that will be as interesting as if they weren't celebrities anyway, right?

Ace and Maverick are piloting the plane (although the cover shows it as a helicopter) loaded with minor celebrities. We know they're celebrities because Brenda has big boobs and a viral video and Kenny Kawa was 4 million followers on his, ugh, "Flutter" account. I really hate the Comics versions of real life corporations or products. Especially Twitter, Myspace, Facebook, and Starbucks. This version of Red is a musician. Since he's D-list, he's a one hit wonder, of course. Rocky is also on board and he's probably some Ulitmate Fighting phenom. There's also some guy named Clay who knows more about the location their headed to than he's letting on. And then a mountain walks in front of the plane!

The mountain says, "You will be my vessel."

And then everybody's lost!

Get it? LOST! Plane crash! Bwa ha ha ha!

No, they're not lost at all. Just Ace the Mountain Vessel is lost. The rest of them wake up in Nanda Parbat, the city of the God, Rama Kushna, that turned Boston Brand into Deadman. Will all of the DC Universe Presents comics have some link between them? That would be interesting.

Before waking up, June has a nightmare in which Ace is killing everyone because they should have died and because he's unlike the others. Of course he's not! He's been possessed by a talking mountain! June is also led to believe he's dead by the High Priest of Rama Kushna. She's told his body was placed in the Well of Souls which lies just beyond the walls of the city. She jumps to the conclusion that he's dead.

Since the trip to the Himalayas was Challenger's host Clay Brody (like Brodie from Mallrats who becomes a game show host?!) chose the locale and hinted to June that there was a bigger reason for the trip than the game show, June heads to him for an explanation.

And now Ace wants revenge!

The high priest of Rama Kushna (and since the God is named Rama KUSHna, I'm pretty sure the title is the high as in stoned priest of Rama Kushna) brings everybody together for their after-plane-crash feast. Red speculates on what might be happening.

I don't think that's it either. It's more like Big Brother than Amazing Race. But I am willing to bet the whole thing is part of the television show!

During dinner, the entire cast are given drugged wine and they pass out. They wake up in the snowy Himalayas around the wreckage of the plane. Now it's more like a reality show based on Alive! They're all wearing parkas with the Challengers of the Unknown hourglass symbol on the left breast. But Ace is still nowhere to be seen, dead or alive.

A rescue helicopter appears but can't find a place to land so they have to climb the mountain to get to where it can land. That's how the reader learns that Red wasn't just a one hit wonder with his song, "Heart's Mountain", he was also an expert mountain climber! As they climb, something beneath the surface of the mountain begins chasing them! But they manage to reach the chopper without losing anybody. It's all very exciting and tense! Not really. But it might be if I were watching it live instead of sitting in my cozy little office eating Oreo cookies and drinking Iced Tea while my cat in a shirt snores beside me.

Here is my cat in his shirt. He keeps licking his chest raw. The shirt is the cure. The shirt is also cut up the back and flopping open because he's much bigger than in infant. I guess I should have purchased the 3 month old set. The shirt says, "Mommy's little explorer" on it. It is quite the humiliation for a cat.

And a picture from the comic as well:

Shit. How much more can go wrong? Which one of them is going to get Space Madness?

Nobody gets Space Madness and none of them end up being a serial killer and no pack of rabid dogs attacks them. Instead, Clay Brody the Host is swallowed by a Great Old One.

This is even more suspicious. The host disappears first? Yeah, this is a television show!

DC Universe Presents #6: Challengers of the Unknown Rating: No change. So far, I like the premise and it's written well. Or else I'm just in a positive mood! But this comic really doesn't have much chance to go any higher in the rankings. It would have to do something spectacular for that to happen! From what I read about the old Challengers of the Unknown, I really have a feeling this entire thing is a television show set-up which will make the Challengers super famous as adventurers. It will only be later stories where they'll have to really take on the mantle and do some serious super heroics. Although, the whole thing might be a set-up but maybe there will be one thing the producers didn't count on and things will go horribly wrong. Like maybe Ace being the Vessel of whatever he's the Vessel of. And the Challengers will end up really saving the day as they're filmed live for their television reality show.

Voodoo #8

I guess it's up to Priscilla to stop Voodoo with some mystical clone attachment. And a hug.

Maybe I'm just not in the mood to read comics. Or maybe Josh Williamson just doesn't plot a good story.

Okay, okay. How about you explain Issue #8 to me? Then I don't have to spend any actual time thinking about it.

Voodoo Issue #8 Rating: No change. Well, there you have it! Straight from the fake author's mouth! It's a brilliant work of pure genius*! What more can I say?


*Not actually brilliant or pure genius.

Voodoo #7

I've heard people say "Less is more" and I think I finally get it! Less Voodoo would be more enjoyable!

Voodoo has just killed a dozen Daemonites in the War Council's ship as she searches for answers. Another guard tries to take her away and she kills that one too.

Oh fucking just kill her already.

So the Daemonites apparently made a special hybrid that they can't kill. They also futzed with Grifter in some way (is he also a clone?! Perhaps he's like Priscilla Kitaen with some powers because he was experimented on and there's a Grifter/Daemonite Hybrid out there like Priscilla's Voodoo? I'm pretty sure that has to happen now) and they can't kill him either. I think these Daemonites need to knock off their genetic experiments before they eliminate their entire race.

The High Commander of the War Council decides to answer Voodoo's questions because the Daemonites don't seem to have a weapon aboard their War Ship that can stop her. He takes her into a room with Superboyesque clone tanks and gives her a story.

Oh bullshit.

"When you first came to Earth?" You mean thousands of years ago? When did you exactly notice humans turning into super heroes? Do you consider The Shining Knight a super hero? That's just something you noticed right off when you first came to Earth then. And why did you first come to Earth? Was it to conquer it? Why are you here? Why have you been hiding in the shadows for so long? Maybe he means when this particular War Ship first came to Earth about five years ago! I'll buy that.

Thanks for the summary, Josh!

After the explanation, the War Council Leader sets all of the Voodoo failed experiments on Voodoo! She just killed dozens of Daemonites that are supposed to be really hard to kill (unless you're Grifter) and now she just has to fight three shape-shifting lizard things? No problem! She's been written into invulnerability at this point!

Meanwhile, back on Earth, Priscilla Kitaen (the original Voodoo) is pissed off because nobody rescued her quickly enough. But she agrees to help Black Jack and Fallon catch Voodoo so that she can appear more magnanimous and caring than they are.

Meanwhile meanwhile back on the ship, Voodoo has blown a hole in the side of the ship (with WHAT?!) so her developmentally retarded clone siblings would be sucked out and into space.

Or it's a new writer that didn't like the limit Marz had set.

Voodoo kills her clones but wishes it were her dying instead. No she doesn't. She just killed all three of them with her own hands. Just jump out the hole you blew in the side of the ship (HOW DID SHE DO THAT?!) if you really want to die. But she doesn't want to. Instead, she kills all of the clones being made in all of the tubes on the ship. And then she threatens to destroy the Daemonite ship as well (please do it. Please. I'm already bored to tears by them). But the Daemonite Lord has a different offer.

Aha! The hybrids are LGBT! And now Voodoo will lead them all!

Voodoo accepts the deal and the Daemonites send her back to Earth exactly where she was when she left. And it just so happens Fallon, Black Jack, and Priscilla are there snooping around for clues! The confrontation goes something like this:

Priscilla: You ruined my life!
Voodoo: Oh, you.
Priscilla: You're not real!
Voodoo: I'm real.
Priscilla: Why did you do this to me?
Voodoo: I wondered why someone did this to me as well but I got over it pretty quickly when I was assured that I still believed in the Daemonites and I also go a pay raise.
Priscilla: What?
Voodoo: The Daemonites never loved you!
Black Jack: Calm down ladies!
Voodoo: I'll kill you!
Black Jack: Oh, I highly doubt that!

Whoops!

Voodoo Issue #7 Rating: -1 Ranking. I did not enjoy this issue in the least. After nearly every piece of dialogue, I released an exasperated exhalation of breath. It was mostly awful. That's reflected in my commentary because I truly didn't know what to write or what to think at times. My hope is that Voodoo just kills her original and the comic follows Voodoo as she tries to destroy the Earth. And of course she'll end up in a sexual relationship with Grifter at some point as well. Inevitable.