Blackhawks #3

I'm pretty sure this cover should have Wildman on it and not Irishman!

In Deathstroke #4, Laszlo, the Blackhawk with whom Deathstroke has a meeting, mentions that the Blackhawks control illicit technology. I think what he really meant to say was that the Blackhawks plagiarize technology from across the popular cultural spectrum. In Issue #1, Mother Machine is made up of some Ghost in the Shell-like persona. In Issue #2, all of the Blackhawk armor looks like Halo gear. The ship that drops Titus on the battlefield looks like the Squid things that attack the Nebuchadnezzar from the Matrix Trilogy. And in this Issue, we get the talking dog collars from Up.

Dogs should always just be saying, "I love you!"

Mike Costa and Graham Nolan are just playing a giant game of see who can recognize everything we're pulling from the stories around us. I'm sure I'm missing a bunch, so anybody reading Blackhawks and recognizes anything I missed, let me know.

The UN Representative Schmidt has asked his superiors to be assigned full-time on-site in the Blackhawks base, the Eyrie. It'll probably happen because the comic really needs more characters to stuff into its twenty pages. Look at Legion of Super-heroes! This comic isn't even trying!

Back at the Eyrie, Lady Blackhawk and Colonel Lincoln try to figure out what to do to Titus. They're not sure they have the capability of restraining him for any serious length of time, so they're going to start experimenting on him and figure out what his Nanocites are capable of. And back aboard the Matrix Squid Ship (or the mysterious city in an unknown location it landed (Zion?)), Canada and Wildman are playing with the talking dogs and chit chatting with one of the aliens about their technology.

Let's get back to the cover for a second. How the fuck can they get that so wrong? Canada and Wildman have been taken by Mother Machine and her, um, Machinettes. Irishman is back at base missing a fucking arm! He's missing an arm! And the Irishman on the cover has both arms. Plus he's nowhere near Canada! The person, not the country. I actually have no idea where The Eyrie is located. Perhaps they mentioned it somewhere and I missed it. This cover mistake is far worse than the Captain Atom cover where the bad guy creature looks like Falcor and then, on the inside, it's just a big blobby mess. I really believe the only communication between the cover artists and the regular creative team is just a single post-it note. How much are the editors at DC getting paid? Because it's either too much or not enough!

This is Titus. He can regenerate everything except his teeth. Apparently.

Perhaps Titus can't heal his teeth because Lady Blackhawk keeps punching him in the face. But one of the times she decks him, his blood splatters across a vent and it looks like it begins migrating inside! Uh oh! Nanocite break out!

And not only a Nanocite break out! Titus breaks out only minutes later when the power goes out on the level they've got him incarcerated. Probably his escaped blood did that. The Blackhawks had better assemble all personnel to stop him!

Great team comic! By the 3rd issue, only one member is left standing!

Lady Blackhawk goes after Titus to try and stop him. Or to get the last member of the Blackhawks killed! Like it matters anyway since the comic is cancelled after Issue #8! While Lady Blackhawk runs after Titus, Kunoichi plugs the computer system into herself and begins turning the systems back on with her Nanocites.

No, you're nauseated.

Titus cuts his way down to Level 4 and into The Eyrie's nuclear reactor. But I don't know what he's going to do with it seeing as how the issue ends right there.

Yes. The issue ends there. So not only was the cover wrong about the Blackhawk members who are on their own. It was also wrong about them doing any sort of fighting at all! They merely talk to Mother Machine! I'm actually surprised at how much I'm enjoying the comic. It's just regular comic fare. But I like how the team just keeps getting decimated. But what's with all the messed up minor detail issues? Not that a cover is a minor detail! Most covers lie anyway. But to have the wrong character on it? Wow! And I may be the only one to even notice that Attila had the wrong arm broken across the last two issues. Maybe nobody noticed any of these things because nobody is reading this comic and that's why it got cancelled!

I would have considered moving Blackhawks up a rank on the rating scale but I just can't do it with such a horrid cover error. Stupid DC editors! If they can't even get a cover right, how are they going to maintain continuity? Losers!

Blackhawks #2

Issue #2 and we already have a traitor in the midst!

Issue #2 doesn't start with Kunoichi blowing up. Just like a lot of comics, the cliffhanger at the end of the first issue is ignored at the beginning of the second issue. It's like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that ends with Giles about to be beheaded by one of those blind Bringer guys. And then you have to wait half the season before they show you what happened. And then it's barely worth showing because he just reached up and stopped the axe in mid-swing with one hand! So now Kunoichi's probably just showering somewhere on base! It'll probably be revealed she's going through early menopause.

Instead of finding out what happened to Kunoichi, we learn that Lady Blackhawk, Irishman, Wildman, and Kunoichi are parachuting into another country. It's not clear yet what their mission is. Or maybe I'm just too stupid to follow the dialogue.

Deputy Ops Colonel Lincoln is in a meeting with UN Representative Schmidt. Schmidt is there because of the leak about the Blackhawks.

How about removing the fucking Blackhawks emblem from the side of the Evac helicopter?!

Because Kunoichi dove out of a speeding plane outside the target area, the Blackhawks had to pick her up in range of civilians. And so Kunoichi's face and the Blackhawks' helicopter end up on video all over the internet.

Meanwhile, in that country the Blackhawks parachuted into that hasn't been announced via caption....

Whoever designed the Blackhawks armor played a lot of Halo.

Oh! I just remembered! It hasn't even been a month between reading issues and I've already forgotten stuff. The Blackhawks have been dropped on the site of the central Asian prison where a prisoner filled with the same Nanocites that now fill Kunoichi exploded! He was given the Nanocites by a mysterious Ghost in the Shellish woman. She's probably the Cobra to the Blackhawks' GI Joe.

Before the Blackhawks have a chance to do anything, a giant spaceship comes out of nowhere (a portal? Space?) and drops the person you see on the cover onto the ground. This Titus (who seems more like The Enemy Without!) immediately sets about bisecting a bunch of Blackhawk red shirts.

You definitely don't want to be a Blackhawk without a nickname!

Although, as Irishman learns, having a nickname doesn't guarantee your complete safety!

Lady Blackhawk and Kunoichi, with a little help from her new Nanocite super powers, take Titus down. Titus claims they've (whoever they are) already won because Kunoichi have the Nanocites in her. So Titus did some pretty good damage to the Blackhawks. It killed at least six of them and removed one of Irishman's arms. I wonder if Aquaman's hook is still available? Maybe Static Shock is already using it. But even though Titus whooped the Blackhawks pretty decently, I'm not sure the cover should go to someone who only lasts about four pages between introduction and death. Or the cover should be different! "INTRODUCING THE DEATH OF TITUS!"

Oh, now I get the title. Here's Titus apprehended and inside Blackhawks' Headquarters.

Okay, so I was wrong. Titus didn't die when he was shot in the chest multiple times and then had his helmet caved in by Lady Blackhawk's foot. It was merely a flesh wound. But now he's being interrogated by Colonel Lincoln since the jet that Canada and Wildman were in disappeared into the mother ship during the fight. Also, Titus only killed four Blackhawks. He just severely wounded the rest. Oh! And Titus nearly had brain trauma from the foot crushing the helmet thing! And he almost did die! So there you have it! It's all been explained!

Kunoichi is placed in quarantine. Attila is still out with his busted arm and ribs.

I think he's faking now since it was his left arm that was broken!

Irishman had one arm severed. And Canada and Wildman have been kidnapped by the Nebuchadnezzar.

That leaves Lady Blackhawk and Colonel Lincoln left for whatever needs to be dealt with in Issue #3!

All Star Western #4

Just another children living in the sewers storyline.

The first few pages of the comic deal with Jonah Hex killing the three Trapp brothers he's been after. He's not only after them for the bounty, though. They have information he wants but even when Jonah tortures one of them by blowing off his fingers one at a time, the Trapp won't talk and Jonah ends up killing him. Immediately after killing these men, he's approached by a group of people under black umbrellas. They seem to have been watching him for some time and finally approach him with a job to find their missing son. But Jonah just wants to cash in his bounties and get out of Gotham. So they offer him $50,000.

Jonah's search for the boy leads him to an orphanage in Gotham where he runs into Amadeus Arkham. Arkham is there seeing over a small boy that had gone missing three years ago and was only recently found. His eyes are sensitive to light, he has dysentery, and he is covered in rat bites. His parents tell Hex and Arkham that hundreds of children have gone missing over the years. They also tell a story about the man stealing them.

Someone's running an illegal sidekick smuggling business.

All the clues point to the sewers, so Arkham and Hex head in to explore. Under Gotham, they discover a giant mining operation using the kids as labor. While Hex quietly takes out the guards, Arkham tries to get the kids to safety. But he's caught while doing it!

Whoops!

If it weren't for the fact that Arkham still has an Asylum to build, my money would be on Hex just blowing the head off of this guy as this guy pulls the trigger on Arkham. I suppose Hex will probably play along until he feels he has the upper hand against this guy. Or this guy will put Hex and Arkham in some trap, like a pit filled with rats, and Arkham will think up some psychologically stunning plan to get the guard to let them out. Or maybe Hex will just blow the guy's head off and Arkham will not be killed although he'll need a new pair of britches. And then Arkham will truly understand the man he's traveling with and how little Arkham means to him.

The back-up story is a tale of a Chinese family recently arrived in America. They set up a shop and are threatened by a criminal named Bo Long. Wei Tsen, the father of the protagonist of this story, stands up to the thugs, calling them thieves and slapping one of them. This man's leader, Bo Long, wants to make an example of Wei Tsen. And he apparently does after Wei Tsen goes to meet with Bo Long of his own accord to try and work out an agreement with him. Apparently because his daughter, Yanmei, has been killing and harassing Bo Long's men in a vengeful search for Bo Long. The current scenes show only Yanmei and her grandfather, so it looks like Bo Long probably torches the business and kills all of her siblings, her mother, and her grandmother as well.

Again, the back-up story is interesting enough. But the El Diablo story didn't actually do much but introduce El Diablo. There was a little bit of "I wish I could die to be free of El Diablo" pathos but it didn't amount to much. I imagine this one will end up the same way.

All Star Western #3

Yay! Whores!

At the end of the last issue, Jonah Hex was about to get his throat slit. At the beginning of this issue, that probably doesn't happen. I guess it could happen. And then Amadeus Arkham would have to take over the investigation. Or the slaughtering. I think the investigation part of the comic is over and now its the bad guys are going to get their comeuppance part of the comic. So if Hex is killed, Arkham is going to have to go around psychoanalyzing everybody to death or else just learn how to shoot a gun.

What a quick study!

This is the first man Arkham has ever killed. And I'm afraid he's going to get a taste for it. At the very least, he's going to enjoy the invention of electroshock therapy.

Jonah Hex or Yosemite Sam?

An ex-girlfriend of mine, back when she was my girlfriend, heard me use the word 'idjit' and declared that it wasn't a word. The fact that Yosemite Sam used it wasn't proof for her. She wanted to see it in print. My plan was to write to Mark Evanier at Groo and get my letter published with the word 'idjit' in it. But then I remembered that Dirty Fleagle and Dirty Drew in Cerebus used the word idjit all the time. So I showed that to her and she was less than impressed that the word was used in a comic book. This was also the days when the internet was basically Prodigy and AOL Chatrooms, so I couldn't go online to delve into the history of the word. Seeing as how Yosemite Sam used it, it just seemed natural that it was the word 'idiot' in a southern dialect. It also sounds Jamaican. So that means it also sounds Irish, right?!

Cromwell goes to the papers to declare that the Butcher of Gotham has been caught. He also provides information about the criminal conspiracy. Afterwards, the men head to a coffee shop to celebrate the fine work they've done and discuss future plans.

He's aiming off-panel to the reader's right but the front of the barrel is pointed directly at the reader.

Since the Followers of Cain can't just give up on their quest to make Gotham the Crime Capital of the world (and since we know they're successful, amirite?!), they decide to get even with Cromwell and his gang by pulling the old Gatling Gun in a carriage trick! Jonah notices the gun just before the firing begins and he dives through the coffee shop window, pulling Arkham down with him. Cromwell and his deputy get shot to shit. There aren't enough Comics Code Authority labels to cover the blood and gore.

Reap the whirlwind!

Jonah Hex chases down the carriage and kills the gunner and driver. Then he takes one of the horses for his own as Arkham pleads for Hex to help Gotham get it together.

In other words, "I'm not the Batman!"

Jonah plans on trading the horse for supplies and be on his way hunting three fugitives brothers known as the Trapps. Arkham desperately tries to get Jonah to stay but Hex sends him packing.

Awww. Does that mean he cares?

The lady at the general store doesn't take trades so she suggests Jonah go down to the livery to sell the horse. He doesn't like that idea much and he takes off. When he leaves, either the horse is gone or he isn't going to try to sell a (somewhat) stolen horse to the livery. So he trots back up through Gotham to find his bounty.

As luck would have it, he stumbles upon them almost immediately after they shoot one of their captured whores trying to escape the saloon they've taken over! Lucky for Jonah, not the whore.

See? More hot Gotham whores with big tits!

The back-up story ends with El Diablo taking care of the zombie threat even though the zombie's controller, Black River, escapes. It seems like mostly an introduction to El Diablo and his host, Lazarus Lane. It's just an old west version of Jason Blood and Etrigan. Except El Diablo is more like The Specter than Etrigan. Black River, his nemesis, is a white man raised by the Sioux and taught to be their ultimate spirit warrior, a man who could walk amongst their enemies and attack them from within. I'm sure there will be more El Diablo stories to follow now that they've introduced him to readers of All Star Western.

I still would have rather had eight more pages of Jonah Hex!

All Star Western #2

Yay! Evil Cows!

Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham have retreated the Arkham Manor after causing a stir among the members of the Secret Society for the Betterment of Gotham by Killing Whores. Jonah readies his rifle, sure that they are going to be pursued, while Arkham delves into research.

How many long standing dark secret societies are there in Gotham?

A couple dozen men with guns in their hands and burlap sacks on their heads begin to close in around Arkham Manor. It doesn't take very long for each and every one of them to learn a hard lesson. It's always a hard lesson to be learned in the Old West.

I think these guys were the cows from the cover!

One man survives the assault. Would that be surprising that one man survived? Or surprising that only one man survived? If Jonah Hex is such a good shot that he cleanly killed every other man, then I would suspect he gut shot just this one man on purpose for the sake of getting answers. That's a pretty efficient killer!

And they get a lot of information! The stupid secret society sent a bunch of lackeys to kill Hex and Arkham so that the secret society could stay secret. But the plan backfired like plans have a way of doing and now Hex and Arkham know everything! The Skull Ring Society follow something called The Crime Bible and they want Gotham City to be their Vatican. They're killing women as sacrifices to consecrate their unholy grounds. Or something like that. The dying man wasn't exactly super clear with all of the details. Arkham wants to go to the police. But Hex just wants to go kill them all. Guess which way they're going to go?!

This is why Hex didn't want to go to the police.

The Followers of Cain, as they call themselves, threw the party in an attempt to get Officer Cromwell to join their midst. But he chose poorly and is about to be made an example of unless Jonah Hex comes barging through the sitting room window on the next page.

Except Jonah Hex has a little restraint and just waits to follow everyone as they leave the Followers of Cain Headquarters. Probably Arkham's influence. The two follow the carriage with Cromwell in it to the Blacksmith's where they walk in on the blacksmith torturing Cromwell and carving arcane symbols and sayings into his chest.

Okay, maybe just sayings. I thought the hair in his armpits was a symbol.

But the rescue mission quickly goes tits up when a gigantic hulkish brute of a Sloth like-a-look sucker punches Jonah from the back and quickly gets the upper hand.

This reminds me of a Boot Hill campaign I was once a part of. Boot Hill was a wild west role playing game where we, the players, always had dreams of being that guy who can do what Jonah Hex did earlier in this comic. Gun down a dozen men with ease and walk off into the sunset. But after losing character after character to one stray bullet, you learn to be careful. We had a friend, Soy Rakelson (I mentioned him before! And his name is still changed to protect his innocence!), who Game Mastered one of our Boot Hill campaigns. He had an idea for a campaign although he wasn't terrifically well versed in the rules of the system. So at one point, we encounter two huge hulking brutes like the guy Jonah just met. And Soy is just foaming at the lips about how hard we're going to get our asses beat by these guys! And then Bam! Bam! Two bullets and two dead hulks. And then he did that flabbergasted look that only Soy Rakelson could do so well every single night. Why was he always being surprised by things?!

So that's where this issue's Jonah Hex story ends. The back-up story is part one of an El Diablo zombie tale. It's interesting enough although at this point, I'd rather just have four more pages of Jonah Hex!

Legion of Super-Heroes #1

I can't name anybody on this cover but I'm sure one of them is Somebody Lad and the other is Something Girl.

Let's see how many members of the Legion of Super Heroes we can be introduced to in this first 20 page issue!

#1. Chameleon Boy
A.K.A.: Reep Daggle
Homeworld: Durla
Abilities: Shapeshifting.

#2. Dragonwing
A.K.A.: Marya Pai
Homeworld: Earth
Abilities: Firebreath and Acid Venom

#3. Phantom Girl
A.K.A.: Tinya Wazzo
Homeworld: Bgztl
Abilities: Intangibility

#4. Ultra Boy
A.K.A: Jo Nah
Homeworld: Rimbor
Abilities: Able to use one power at a time--Ulra-vision, strength, speed, or invulnerability

#5. Chemical Kid
A.K.A.: Hadru Jamik
Homeworld: Phlon
Abilities: Catalyze chemical reactions

#6. Colossal Boy
A.K.A.: Gim Allon
Homeworld: Earth
Abilities: Giant growth

#7. Mon-El
A.K.A.: Lar Gand
Homeworld: Daxam
Abilities: Super-strength, speed, sense, flight and invulnerability

#8. Brainiac 5
A.K.A.: Querl Dox
Homeworld: Colu
Abilities: 12th Level Super-intelligence

#9. Cosmic Boy
A.K.A.: Rokk Krinn
Homeworld: Braal
Abilities: Magnetism manipulation

#10. Element Lad
A.K.A.: Jan Arrah
Homeworld: Trom
Abilities: Transmutation

#11. Comet Queen
A.K.A.: Grava
Homeworld: Extal Colony
Abilities: Space flight, comet gas extrusion (hee hee)

#12. Dream Girl
A.K.A.:Nura Nal
Homeworld: Naltor
Abilities: Precognition

#13. Glorith
Homeworld: Unknown
Abilities: Manipulate magical energies

#14. Harmonia
Homeworld: Earth
Abilities: Natural elemental

#15. Star Boy
A.K.A.: Thom Kallor
Homeworld: Xanthu
Abilities: Induce mass to increase weight

Fuck me! I was just kidding! After all the introductions are over, some of the Legionnaires are on a hostile planet facing off against a Daxamite (Daxamites are like mini-Supermen). And that's where this thing ends!

Legion Lost #1

The only thing I know about Legion is that Lobo spent a lot of time in that series.

The title for this issue is Present Tense. Can we all get over this grammar pun already? An issue of Red Hood and the Outlaws had the cover blurb, "Past Tense!" Seriously. Guys. It's been done to death. But I guess if I expect every line in a comic book to be an original thought, I wouldn't be reading very many comic books. And since I only have once series left to start after this, and it takes place in the future (Legion of Super-Heroes), I demand that the first story in that book be called Future Tense or I'm writing a letter of complaint to DC.

Legion has crashed their Time Bubble in our time while trying to head back to somewhere or something. But something went wrong because they had to help out some people in the 31st Century and it took them too long so somehow that messed up their time traveling plans because, um, you know, they couldn't time travel in time? This comic is already a fucking mess and I'm only three pages in!

So they've headed back in time to stop someone named Alastor from releasing a pathogen. But because they were delayed, it gave time for Alastor to release this pathogen. So fucking go back in time a little further and stop it from happening? Oh, is that not how time travel works? Are we going to make "the clock is always ticking in San Dimas" rule that makes no sense whatsoever? Like there's a needle sweeping across time and it's always moving and you can only change things that the needle hasn't reached yet? Which is obviously wrong since people coming from the future need to have had the needle pass by them for them to exist. Unless this Legion is only a possible Legion from a possibly future depending on what happens as the needle passes by! But then there should be an infinite number of Legions arriving at the same time!

If you're going to invoke Time Travel, keep your time travel consistent within your world. I hate the voluntary limits like someone can do something in the past before we can get back to stop them. You can always just go back a little further, douchebag. Lost (not to be confused with Legion Lost!) actually did time travel really well. As did the movie Primer.

Now, I'll believe that they can't go back in time to stop Alastor because something went wrong with their Time Bubble and they crashed at a point after Alastor released the pathogen. But don't make up some story about running late and not being able to stop him. That's just stupid.

Shut up shut up shut up!

Let me make excuses for Legion Lost so that I can live with it. The ability to go back in time is predicated on "Time Stops". These are like rest stops along a highway and they're the only moments where you can arrive when you go back in time. So to find this Alastor, they need to hit the same Time Stop that he used. Which means, um, he'll be arriving right there when they arrive! I can't even make up my own lies to fix what they're talking about!

Maybe you should have thought of that when you left the future for the past!

I like how this panel is meant to explain away their inability to go back in time further to stop the pathogen from being released! Look, idiots. If you didn't care about time paradoxes before this first trip, then you don't need to care about them for a second trip. Get the parts you need here at this time. Fix the Time Bubble. Go back in time three days. Avoid this area where you guys will be during this limited time! Voila! But since this guy, whoever he is, just casually says "Forget I asked", we can all now move on and put the idea of going further back in time to rest. It just wouldn't work! It's just not a possibility! OMG TIME TRAVEL IS THE HARDEST!

They collect Alastor and restrain him in the Time Bubble and decide to head back to the future, even though the pathogen has been released. I have no idea what this pathogen is. I have no idea why Alastor is so angry except that he mentions his sister was killed or allowed to die by humans. Alastor tried to kill everyone in the future and Legion stopped him so he went into the past to do it and seems to have succeeded. As Legion is trying to take him into the future, their Time Bubble explodes. Two of their members seem to have been disintegrated in the explosion. But Alastor is nowhere to be found. And Legion is now stuck in our present.

The other stupid explanation for their trouble with Time Travel is that the events of Flashpoint have made it more difficult. But that still doesn't explain their stupid inconsistencies within this story. Well, at least their Time Bubble is broken and they can't bitch and whine about time travel anymore! Although I know they will.