Demon Knights #1

Please let this comic be good. I have Jack Kirby's original sixteen comic run, the initial Demon 4 part mini-series, and all of the second run by Alan Grant and Val Semeiks (which I believe was taken over at some point by Ennis and McCrea). I know Hitman was created by Ennis and McCrea in The Demon Annual during the Bloodlines event, so I'm pretty sure they took over after Semeiks and Grant left the book. It's been a long time since I've read the series, though. I loved Semeiks artwork in that series. You can tell I loved it because I still remember his name (although I just realized I didn't know Semeiks gender for certain when I began to type the pronoun and had to look it up online!). My other favorite artist back then was Chris Bachalo from Shade the Changing Man.

I've put in some time following Etrigan although I don't have all of his appearances across DC's other various titles the way I have every issue that Ambush Bug has ever been in. Still, I can already picture this comic ruining Etrigan and me erupting into fanboi nonsense ranting for the entirety of the run! Man, I'd love that. Except I promise not to rant. Instead, I'll just draw pictures of the various DC editors being tortured and killed in interesting ways. Anyway, on to the fun!

Demon Knights begins 400 years in the past. I think it also begins with a pun. It says, "The Last Night of Camelot" as the castle burns in the background. But we also see in the foreground the last Knight of Camelot holding Excalibur.

I didn't realize the Knights of the Round Table were concurrent with Shakespeare. Didn't Monty Python's Holy Grail take place in the 10th Century? And that's historically accurate, right? At least as historically accurate as can be for a legendary figure and his legendary court and his legendary sword and his legendary quest! Plus, Monty Python's King Arthur is the extent of my knowledge of King Arthur. Except maybe that Disney movie where the wizard's turn into different beasts as they fight each other.

Here in 1611 (or thereabouts), Madame Xanadu is out and about in a boat taking Arthur's body outside of time. And then she actually dives into the water to try to grab Excalibur when the knight throws it in! She's actually doing things! It's amazing! Maybe it's actually an ancestor of hers. Or maybe, since she fails to grab the sword and someone else tells her there's nothing she can do since "this must happen" and "it always will" and "you can't change it", we see Xanadu having the experience that leads to her sitting in a room playing with her cards and just watching people take active roles in their lives.

Maybe I'm wrong! Maybe Madame Xanadu actually does more than tell people about the future and watch them fail and then make snide remarks. Perhaps I'm judging her unfairly! I'm not even sure what comic books I would have read in the past that she was a part of! Where do I get off taking pot shots at her?!

Next we see where Merlin traps the Demon Etrigan into Jason Blood. And then the scene changes to declare it is Now in the Dark Ages. Oh! Okay, so that last scene was 400 years prior to the current time of the comic. Nothing is actually pinned down though since The Dark Ages spanned quite a bit of time.

We join The Horde of the Questing Queen as they march North. The Queen travels in a palace on the back of a Brontosaurus. The wizard Mordru sits at the Queen's side. Almost immediately, he explodes a baby by summoning a demon within it! I think that proves he's a bad guy!

Jason Blood and Madame Xanadu enter the village that the Questing Queen is about to stomp through. They meet up with another immortal, Vandal Savage, and share a few rounds while discussing Camelot. Quickly they're interrupted by The Shining Knight. So that makes four immortals in one place and since the title of this chapter was Seven Against the Dark, I suppose we should expect three more.

Two more show up although I'm not sure if they're immortals or not: Al Jabr and Exoristos. My guess is Al Jabr is a Moslem (yeah, I'm really going out on a limb there!) who makes automatons (again, big guess since he mentions he makes mechanisms). Exoristos might be an Amazon. She's from an island where men are castrated so that's not much of a wild guess either.

A seventh figure, an archer, still remains outside the village saving peasants from The Horde. And since he/she was backlit by the sun, I can't make any guess as to who it might be. The farmers tell him/her to warn the village but they're a little bit too late. The Horde has arrived at the inn.

Jason Blood takes no time in releasing Etrigan. I can see early on in Blood's life, releasing Etrigan was not considered a last resort! Once Etrigan appears, he and Madame Xanadu make with some kissy face before Etrigan blasts a bunch of attackers with his hellfire breath.

Back at Castle Brontosaurus, Mordru and the Queen sense magick being used and summon a shit ton of dragons to solve the problem. Seems like a plan!

As you can see, I didn't bother to scan any pictures out of DC's Big Book of Number Ones. I looked online for the panels I wanted to scan but didn't find any. So just picture people in medieval garb with large flagons of beer and great big chicken legs and you'll be close enough to the truth.

Here's my review of #1: Too short!

Resurrection Man #4

Oh! I forgot to mention how I really liked how The Transhuman pointed at the ladies at the end of last issue! Just so you'd know it really was Mr. Roth under all of that armor! I hope this Transhuman becomes a recurring character and a friend of Resurrection Man. Please don't kill off this character, Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning. I hope he beats these ladies' asses! And since he was a super villain, he can kill them if he wants to! And it's a Teen Plus title! So he might even call them bitches while doing it!

The Transhuman quickly gets to work pummeling the ladies whose name is The Body Doubles. One is named Carmen and the other is named Bonnie. I just kept forgetting what their names were and didn't really care because I didn't realize they'd be around for so many issues! The Transhuman is mostly beating up Carmen while Bonnie talks on the phone.

She has webbed titties.

Carmen and the Transhuman take their fight outside of the building and it's hard to tell who's winning. But back in the care center, Resurrection Man is still out of it.

See that green shirt next to his naked body? He's going to do something magic with it two panels hence!

Bonnie is momentarily distracted yelling at the other residents of the facility. After they run away, she turns around to find Resurrection Man back on his feet! And fully clothed having made green pants out of the green shirt and found a white shirt as well!

I think a naked ding dong is too much even for a Teen Plus title!

Mitch subdues Bonnie and finally convinces her that he has no idea who she and Carmen are. She calms down and he agrees to go with The Body Doubles after they stop Carmen from killing the Transhuman. They leap out of the hole in the care center's wall and run off to help Transhuman.

Or maybe he leaps and she falls on her fucking face.

After all of the fun and games, Mitch finds out that Darryl Roth, the Transhuman, is actually only 19 years old. The super suit he created has been draining the life from him and he needs help. So Mitch agrees to bring the Transhuman with him and Body Doubles. But before they can leave, the angel Suriel arrives and gets into a screaming match with Mitch. And since Mitch's screams are currently super powered, the angel doesn't like it and fights back a little too hard.

Whoops!

Resurrection Man #3

After dying last issue, Mitch ends up in some sort of purgatory with a demon of indeterminate form. The Langoliers are coming for him but he can't resurrect and the demon just keeps talking about accounting problems in heaven and hell. Finally Mitch realizes the demon is somehow keeping him from resurrecting and Mitch fights back, allowing himself to break free and resurrect in the hallway at the care facility.

This is why the angel Suriel and this demon and all the other weird spiritual entities are after Resurrection Man. Because they're bothered by their soul account books not balancing. Lame! Heaven and Hell are run by anal retentive accountants? Resurrection Man is caught up in some afterlife bureaucracy? Man, he's screwed.

Mitch resurrects with armored skin this time so there is another big ass fight in the old folks' home. Eventually, the ladies win out. Again. You know, if any other super hero were this easy to take out, all of the other series would end a few issues in with dead super heroes.

This is Mitch being knocked out and all I could think was, "Hey! Her boots became shorter!"

Although now that I look at this picture again, I see only her right boot goes above her knee.

This beating doesn't take either. He resurrects with a Sonic Howl this time. He takes out the blonde but the brunette jumps on his back and puts him out with some Special K. During all of these battles, one of the ladies mentions they have a 'No Witnesses' policy. But by the end of the battle, all of the old people are standing around watching. And the ladies don't seem to be in any hurry to slaughter them all.

So they gather up Mitch and are about to leave when Mr. Roth comes back out in his Super Villain get-up! I guess I was wrong about the old dude! It looks like he's here to help!

It's the leopard skin collar that really brings the whole outfit together.

Resurrection Man #2

This comic is Teen Plus because of the school uniform look.

Why, exactly, would anybody pick up this comic book to read it? Was this guy some kind of cult favorite character? Does he have a personality that's fun to read? Because after the first issue, I've learned he dies and comes back, he gets a special power, and he's compelled to go on missions. But what did I learn about Mitch? Not one fucking thing. Well, maybe he likes to calm babies. And he doesn't want to see people die. That's about it! It was just the first so maybe the next issue will show me why I should like this guy.

Maybe I'm supposed to like him because he kind of looks like Lost's Sawyer.

Mitchell doesn't seem to know anything about himself. That's probably why the reader doesn't get to know anything about him either! He finds out he's in Portland because his father was left in a care center there. But since that time, his father has died. Mitch doesn't remember him. Mitch is like the protagonist of most modern day Computer Role Playing Games. He doesn't know who he is but it's going to be an adventure finding out!

Mitch meets this guy who supposedly lived down the hall from Mitch's father. I don't buy it! Don't trust him, Mitch! Especially since he likes to point so much! What's up with that?

Now he's got you doing it!

So Mr. Roth (the pointing guy) and Mitch go off to Mr. Roth's room to look up some information on Mitch's dad online. Once there, Mr. Roth makes a stunning revelation!

I called it! I knew he was suspicious!

Back in Arizona, the two women searching for Mitch are hanging out in their underwear in a hotel room gabbing about science or cupcakes or something.

Emphasis hers? Does she speak in BOLD TEXT?

These ladies have some high tech organization (or maybe just a big fat guy) watching search engines for them. They're alerted to an I.P. address in Portland searching for Mitch Shelley. They call in to their high tech tech guys and are teleported just outside Mitch's father's daycare.

These two women kill him pretty easily. Once they realize he can turn into water and their bullets aren't doing anything to him, they electrocute him. I don't know if that would actually kill someone made of water or not since in no way could that ever be a thing. So, he dies.

After this, Mitch's soul (I think) wakes up in a bleak landscape filled with chalk outlines of his previous corpses. I suppose. And that's the end of issue two!

Resurrection Man #1

What's this guy do? Get his ass beat and die? And when the villain turns his back, he pops back up, taps the villain on the shoulder and says, "Is that all you got?!" and then knocks the villain out with a sucker punch? I hope so!

Here's a clue! Resurrection Man must come back to life with different powers every time. Possibly. Probably! Is he anything like the Injustice League's Multi-Man who gains a new power every time he comes back? Or does Resurrection Man only get one power each time. Maybe sometimes he doesn't get any powers! But then he can just kill himself so that he'll come back with a better power. I think the pain of coming back to life that the comic refers to earlier is supposed to be some kind of deterrent against doing that.

Not only does Resurrection Man awaken with new powers. He also awakens with compulsions to do things. So does he get a new body every time as well? This time, he's compelled to fly to Portland. Maybe he's coming to visit me!

"Hey, Resurrection Man! Meet me at the Fluff Me station at Build-a-Bear Workshop."

I'm not sure Resurrection Man will be meeting up with me. Some woman on the plane suddenly transforms into some winged, metal beast thing and begins tearing the place apart. She also lets Resurrection Man know that his soul is overdue.

Mitch (that's his name!) drags the creature out of the plane to fight on top of it. His magnetic electric powers allow him to cling to the outside of the plane the way Spiderman might. Except Spiderman uses his spider powers and not his magnetic powers. Mitch electrocutes the creature and then falls off the plane and into its engine. He dies. The plane crashes. Everyone dies!

And then he comes back with the power of crying! He cries himself away from the scene of the crash and the scene changes.

I wouldn't continue reading this if Resurrection Man were being pursued by decently dressed women.

So this lady and her friend begin killing everyone in the morgue trying to figure out where Resurrection Man went. How should any of them know? If they knew a corpse had gotten up and left, I'm pretty sure they'd be freaking out a little bit. They'll probably figure out whose cards Mitch stole and then go to that guys house and kill his family and somehow find out that he purchased a ticket to Portland using the guys card. So they'll be right on his tail by next issue.

The scene shifts back to the plane crash where a fireman named Suriel who's actually an angel is talking with God or Michael on the phone. Or Jesus! But you know, Jesus is never actually in DC Comics! Not that I can remember. I think they just use angels. So he or she is after Resurrection Man's soul because it's been back so many times, it's nice to look at. Or something. And the angel thinks whoever is currently running Hell wants him as well and will be sending demons after him.

And finally, we get to see Madame Xanadu just watching it all like her big voyeur pervert self.

I, Vampire #4

Oh! A guest star already!

Something that struck me about this comic: does anybody reading it actually find it romantic? Because I think it could be a really good story if given time, pages, and scope. The first issue was done well in setting up the story. But the second issue just beats you over the head and about the face with the fact that these two vampires truly love each other. Dropping comic book page counts down to twenty is really hurting the ability of a story to grow organically. And something else that exacerbates the page count problem is the reliance on page width panels and too many splash pages. A slow moving story is fine if there is a story to tell. And I think this is the perfect book for something like that. It's doing a fairly decent job but it isn't romantic at all. It's telling me it's romantic. But it isn't. The first issue can set that up but don't rely on the reader's memory to keep the romantic momentum going.

So the first issue was done well. The second issue was just a retelling of the first issue with a little more antagonism between the main couple. And the third issue was all about introducing Andrew's sidekicks. The third issue felt a bit like the author saying, "Oh, yeah, readers familiar with Andrew will remember he had these sidekicks so lets just get them introduced and out of the way as quickly as possible." Lucky for him, he's got the Vampnotizing to move that along. And now, Issue Four with John Constantine! Because that's what this book needs! A story that focuses on an outside character. I wager Constantine will reveal some profound things to Andrew in the course of this issue!

I'll break this story down across pages and see how it moves and what the reader is getting for his $3.

Page one, five page-width panels. This amount is above average. But the way the characters are placed and the way each speaks, these could have been half-page panels and added a sixth into batch. You get wasted space in the panels mostly for the sake of the picture looking like a movie screen. It doesn't bother me since many of them look good this way and it opens a scene up. But they don't have to be standard like they've become. Mix it up a bit, bitches!

On page one, the new group is getting ready for bed at a motel along the road to Gotham. The conversation establishes that Andrew doesn't eat people and shows that Tig has been told this but she still seems skeptical. Andrew is going out to eat while they sleep.

Page Two and Three, title page (In Between Days) with four tiny panels and a double page splash. No reason this needs to be two pages. The majority of the scene is Andrew as a giant bat with the moon behind him. It sets a sombre tone and shows he can become a bat. It works but it wastes one full page of story. It's these needless double splash pages that really irk me. I guess I'm just a cheap bastard who wants more story for my dollars (I wanted to just say 'dollas' but it looks too much like a typo against the rest of my text and tone.)

Page Four, five page-width panels. Andrew encounters a man digging through medical waste. I could argue that it could have fit a couple side by side panels in here but I think it works fine as it is. The comic doesn't have to be crowded either.

Page Five, five page-width panels. Andrew talks with the manpire as they drink thrown out sacks of blood. They discuss the hunger and the pull of the power inside of them. Another page that works.

Page Six, five page-width panels. Andrew shows the guy how to become a Werewolf. It works. The five page-width panel pages seem to work just as well as say a six panel page with the panels side by side. Although Giffen at his best would just do the Brady Bunch nine box style! But nobody is expecting that throughout a full comic. Not if they want to see anything but speech bubbles and talking heads.

Page Seven, four page-width panels (more or less). Steve the Manpire turns into a werewolf. Andrew says, "You have the willpower to do that. You have the willpower to do anything. ... We're not animals and we don't have to act like them." I'm actually surprised they didn't go full page with the guy's transformation! The creative team is showing some restraint here!

Page Eight, five page-width panels. Steve the Manpirewolf goes on a mini-rampage now filled with the power lust. Way to go, Andrew Bennett! You basically just gave a howitzer to a ten year old.

Page Nine, five page-width panels. Scene shifts to Constantine in an American bar trying to smoke a cigarette.

Page Ten, four page-width panels. Constantine steps outside to smoke and notices vampire mist in the air. Then Steve as a man pushes past him into the bar.

Page Eleven, four page-width panels. Constantine smoking his cigarette as the reader sees Steve turns into Stevewolf through the window of the bar. Someone blasts him with a shotgun and all hell is breaking loose before Constantine notices.

Page Twelve and Thirteen. Double page splash page. Three small panels across bottom. Oh, the crew was using restraint because this scene of Steve transformed needed two full pages for maximum effect! It doesn't. But it's typical. Constantine walks in and casually lets Steve know that Steve is in for a major ass kicking.

Page Fourteen, six page-width panels. Constantine turns Stevewolf back into Steve and then picks up the shotgun.

Page Fifteen, four page-width panels. Constantine is about to blow Steve's head off when Andrew unmists and says that he can't let Constantine do that.

Page Sixteen, five page-width panels. Constantine is shocked at Andrew's power (since the little bit of sun Constantine made that took out Steve seems to have no effect on Andrew) and Andrew mists up John's nose and knocks him out. Steve is thankful.

Page Seventeen, five page-height panels. Andrew apologizes for showing Steve his power.

Page Eighteen, three page-height panels and a tiny box. Steve begs for mercy saying he has a wife and daughter out there. He wants Andrew to tell them he was a good man and to give them a coin or something. I might be able to tell what Steve was holding if the comic had any color at all. Then Andrew cuts Tig's dad's head off.

Page Nineteen, six page-width panels. Constantine lights up another cigarette and sizes Andrew up. Andrew warns John that a vampire war is coming and these vampires won't be stopped as easily as Steve was stopped. Then John mutters what we've all been thinking ever since Lestat moved to New Orleans.

Although I'll take Lestat over Edward 365 and 1/4 days of the year.

Page Twenty, basically five page-width panels. Andrew looks at the object given to him by Steve. It's a locket. He opens it up and it's a picture of a baby girl and the inscription, 'My Beloved Tig'. So, yeah, that might be a problem later. Because Andrew probably won't tell her but he'll keep the locket only to be found by Tig at some later date so that Tig can turn on Andrew and blame him for everything that ever went wrong in her life ever! You know, because Andrew is basically Tig's father now.

This comic had steady pacing and used most of its 20 pages well. Andrew's bat transformation and Steve's wolf transformation didn't need to be two full pages each. But the story that needed to be told was told so if the creative team has a few extra pages to fill, I guess it doesn't hurt. But two two page splash pages is just a bit ridiculous. Seriously! It's not like Jim Lee is doing the art on this book!

Overall, I, Vampire, is shaping up to be a decent book heavy on cliche and already been done story elements. But that's just the type of story that can shine if Joshua Hale Fialkov (writer) and Andrea Sorrentino (artist) can manage a new spin somewhere along the way. If this book can bring the emotion without constantly telling the reader how to feel, it'll be a great book. I'm a bit like Tig on this one though: skeptical.

I, Vampire #3

The first morning of the vampire's war. Peace between the vampires and the humans began right around when the Justice League formed. Were the Vampires afraid of a super powered Vampire Slayer popping up? But what intrigues me most is that Coast City is in Mountain Time. What fucking coast is it on?! I'm not even putting my money on the Gulf of Mexico. I bet Coast City is on the coast of the Great Salt Lake and represents Salt Lake City! If that's the case, I never knew that and I want to know more. Also, I thought Coast City had been destroyed?

In this issue, we're introduced to Professor John Troughton. He became a good friend of Andrew Bennett after Bennett saved him from a bunch of hippie vampires in San Francisco in 1979.

Why isn't there any fucking color in this comic book?!

Mary coordinated attacks in the four different cities seen on that first page I posted. Thousands of people were killed and news reports are speculating about terrorists and aliens. They're also calling for the Justice League to investigate. Like the Justice League has time to hunt vampires!

While hunting vampires, John and Andrew encounter a young vampire hunter named Tig. She has been hunting for the vampire that killed her father. I will not quote Inigo Montoya. This is her:

Xeno or Reno? Biggest Little Arrow That Never Reaches Its Target.

Tig gets all vampnotized by Bennett and now she believes he's good. I mean, he is good and now she isn't suspecting he isn't because he made her believe he is good. Wait. Is he good if he hypnotizes people to believe he's good? Maybe he's just a big jerk fucking with everyone's mind! Sheesh. What's the world coming to when you can't trust vampires anymore?

The new gang finds a clue that leads them to Gotham City. I don't need to tell you what the clue was, do I? It rhymes with bat.

On the road, the Professor thinks about the things he's learned about vampires that he didn't learn from Andrew.

I have a feeling Andrew knows these things. Like I said while reading Issue #1, I have a feeling Andrew isn't anywhere near willing to die. Nor is he willing to kill Mary. He's going to continue to think he can bring her around to his way of living. Especially since they seemed to pull it off for a number of years before this war broke out. Or, at least, Andrew thought they were pulling it off. Except Mary was only pretending, wasn't she? She was building her army during that time. And now it's marching on Gotham! Boy, what a dumb army! Batman will kill them all!

Luckily for everyone, Professor John Troughton is willing to kill Andrew if it comes down to that. Although Andrew must still be willing to die, according to the research John did. So he's just hoping that when Andrew sees John turn on him, Andrew will have the sense to know the time has come to give up the sinking ghost ship.