Batman: The Dark Knight #1

The difference between Batman and Batman: The Dark Knight is I don't know. DC, you have thousands of characters and you were starting 52 new titles. So you needed four about Batman? Not to mention the two Justice Leagues where he'll be playing a critical role. This is one Goddamn busy motherfucker! Batman is so busy I felt it was appropriate to swear.

The cover of this Batman comic is boring. Look! He's swinging from a rope. Straight down into the streets of Gotham! He may, in fact, be falling to his death because his grappling hook didn't hold. Sorry. His Bathook. Or Batgrapple.

If this picture is boring me just by looking at it, how boring was it to draw? Let's find out.


I wonder if DC would give me a job as a cover artist?

That wasn't boring at all! But I bet it's really boring from your end!

Batman: The Dark Knight begins with Batman lecturing about fear. It's some really insightful stuff like "Fear is a cannibal that feeds upon itself." Oh, well that sounds good then! Because the Fear will eventually consume itself and all you'll be left with is bravery!

"It can be in two places at once...on the path ahead yet somehow always behind you."

"Fear hides in every decision, questioning your every move."

"And it's your fault."

Really? My fault? You're terrorizing me with how fear is stalking me and eating itself in my dark corners and it's my fault? Why don't you shut up already, Bruce Wayne, and stop telling me that I'm a big fat coward while telling everyone else that you're a big fat brave bastard! How about losing the billion dollar safety net you were born into!

Oh, oh! I'm sorry! I was starting to get a little harsh there and you did lose your parents and go all crazy and everything. So maybe I should cut you a little slack.



Oh wait. You're not Bruce Wayne. I was under the impression Bruce Wayne was speaking because it was in narration boxes placed strategically around Batman. Hmm. But wait! Your podium says Bruce Wayne! Is this a practical joke? Did someone in the art department give David Finch the wrong picture with which to model Bruce Wayne?


Holy fuck! Are the men in Gotham part fish?


And when did Bruce Wayne begin dating fourteen year olds?!

I am very much not a fan of this style of comic art. The men get lots of lines on the face. The women are smooth and air brushed. It's as if the lighting in Gotham were gender biased.

And about the story. It's another comic that felt like it needed to create some kind of instant conflict. So Gotham Police Department Internal Affairs Guy confronts Bruce Wayne to make the gigantic leap that he's financing Batman. And then he goes a step further and tells a guy who runs an incredibly wealthy and intricate technology company that he doesn't have 'the resources to solve the logistics of financing Batman' and that he must have help internally with the GCPD. Wait. Really? A multibillionaire business man has less ability to finance a vigilante than a bunch of cops? Get out of here! Why don't you just have this jerk accuse Bruce Wayne of being Batman right off the bat! Ugh. I should have said right from the start. But I think I'm supposed to start feeling tension now.

"Oh look! Bruce Wayne is already in trouble with a Gotham City Authority figure! And he doesn't care! But it's going to cause trouble!"

Then this woman shows up because there just hasn't been enough tits and ass yet in this comic:


Whoops. That's my 10 second recreation.


That's the real one. I know, I know. It's hard to tell.

Then there's another panel where Bruce Wayne speaks with this smart and capable business woman but I can't scan it correctly so I'll have to do another artist's interpretation. Especially since image searching for "Batman: The Dark Knight" just gets me crappy shots of people dressed up like Heath Ledger's Joker. But here's what the panel looks like. Sort of:


The only part I messed up on is the lines on her nose. She had no lines like that. The effect the artist had to show her nose had shape and depth was a shiny flare of white down her nose and then actual shadow along the side. As opposed to LINES LINES LINES and LINES!

Either David Finch thinks men look hideous under any kind of lights or else he just can't be bothered to draw men. "Fuck that! I gots to get to drawing some sexy babes!"

I also should have written their actual conversation! It goes like this:

Bruce: "So you're Tom Hudson's daughter? I knew your father just before they made him a diplomatic attache to Mumbai."
Jaina: "You must have been very young."
Bruce: "Flattery will get you everywhere, Miss Hudson. And I've heard your mother is just as beautiful as you."
Jaina: "Ooh. Flattery will get you everywhere, Mr. Wayne."

Is she stupid? Or is she just, as I did in the panel, basically saying "You can take me now." When she repeats his line, shouldn't she be emphasizing the 'YOU' and not the 'EVERYWHERE'? Doesn't that make more sense?

No, I guess not. I think she really is just emphasizing 'everywhere' so that Bruce will know it's a euphemism for 'my vagina'.

And then suddenly there is a breakout at Arkham. AGAIN! Man, they really need to overhaul the security in that place! I wonder if Snyder and Jenkins/Finch discussed their stories with each other at all. I bet they did and neither one would back down from using the usual riot at Arkham and they just screamed, "Fuck you!" at each other and stormed back to their offices.

This is what the riot at Arkham looked like:


Nearly an exact reprint of the comic.

For some reason, when Batman arrives and starts kicking crazy faces, he asks the guards, "Where's Two-Face?" I don't know why he asks that but then I'm not a detective. Batman probably knows each of the 300 residents they claim are breaking out and he's scanned them all in the two panels he's shown fighting before he realizes Two-Face is the only one missing.

Here's the conversation:

Batman: "Two-Face. Where is he?"
Guard: "Maximum security. H-he didn't come out with the others."
Batman: "Then we go in and find him. Come with me."
Guard: "You heard the man."

See? Even the guards figure Batman must know what he's talking about. I just wish I did! Why, in particular, is he rushing in to find Two-Face? Shouldn't he be worried about all the crazies that are running out the front door right now?

But he before he finds Two-Face, he finds this half-naked rabbit woman who can block bullets with her ass cheeks:


This picture is a bit racier than others you'll find on the net because I wanted it to be sexier.

The Bunny Woman gets away and Batman calls for Two-Face to show himself. His coin bounces into the corridor and there is an explosion and then this ridiculousness happens:



Oh, he's One-Face now. Clever. Or is it?! I think Two-Face might be mainlining whatever that crap is that Bane injected into his body. Or that White Bunny Lady is a total tease and got him all worked up. Maybe calling himself One-Face is a penis joke?

Batwoman #5

Batwoman confronts La Llorona and dispels her. Just a little demonology she picked up from a few books the day before. But she gets some information from the Urban Legend that Medusa used her to kidnap all of the children. Medusa is the terrorist organization except Batwoman doesn't know that.

But she learns it when she gets back to her apartment.



Director Bones uses the information he's gained by knowing Batwoman's secret identity to blackmail Kate into joining forces with the DEO. See? This is why these heroes need secret identities! Because Bones knows Batwoman is Kate Kane and he knows Batwoman's father, Colonel Kane, has done some pretty illegal things during his time with the military. Bones threatens to get him court-martialed if she doesn't join the DEO.

Kate joins the DEO to help bring down Medusa and save the children. I'm pretty sure she doesn't give a shit about her father. But by joining the DEO, she declines to join Batman Inc. And Batman warns her that at some point, Bones is going to use her to try to get at him.

Which means sometime around Issue #11, Batman and Batwoman are going to be on the cover beating each other up! I kind of think Batman will win that match up.

Batwoman #4

Looking at this cover, I just noticed that this comic book is rated "T+" or Teen Plus. I might have to scan through the other comics I've read to see if any others have that rating. I thought they were all just rated Teen. This is what Teen Plus gets you:














And while Kate is busy doing Detective Sawyer, Flamebird is on her way to being dismembered:





I'm not sure what her powers are but her name indicates she can fly and shoot fire. She can also take a pretty mean punch from some Frankentstein hook hand monster. That monster has a hook just like the escaped mental patient in that Urban Legend whose hand ends up hanging from the door of the make-out couple! Maybe Gotham is being invaded by urban legends!

Except that Frankenstein guy doesn't really have a hook on his arm. It's more of a scythe. Which he uses to gut Flamebird.


Whoops!

Cameron Chase gets her hands on Flamebird and they realize this is the sidekick that has been seen with Batwoman by matching hair fibers. So Cameron dresses like a not very sexy nurse and tells her she's going to die and who should they call.

Flamebird tells them Kate Kane. Oops again! So Director Bones makes his way to Gotham to witness the unmasking of Batwoman. And Batwoman gets back to looking for La Llorona after spending half of the comic book getting laid.

Batwoman #3

Something else about last issue was bugging me and as I was scanning this cover, it came to me. Batman warns Batwoman about being careful bringing Flamebird in to help fight La Llorona. He says, "Murdered sidekicks have a way of coming back from the dead. As super villains." Why would the Batman of the New DC Universe offer this advice? Must we believe that not only has Batman gone through the three Robins we've seen so far (Dick, Tim, and Damien) but that the whole Jason Todd murdered by the Joker and coming back as the Red Hood has happened as well? I have yet to read Red Hood and the Outlaws, so I can't be sure if there is a connection in this universe or if Jason Todd has been allowed to rest in peace for this reboot.

I'm beginning to suspect that the writers of Batwoman were never told about the reboot and they're just continuing to write Batwoman in the old DCU. Could this be the only comic still taking place in the old DCU? Is the old DCU just one of the 52 Earths left in the DC Universe? Maybe the old DCU is Earth 42. So Batwoman takes place on Earth 42 while all of the other 52 titles take place on Earth 1. That's my guess.

Batwoman is almost drowned by the Weeping Woman. She's lured beneath the water with images of her sister who she believes drowned in the harbor. It's hard to tell if these images are just hallucinations by La Llorona to tempt her into drowning or if La Llorona actually has some connection to Batwoman's sister Beth. My guess is La Llorona has no connection.

After Batwoman escapes being killed, Cameron Chase and her DEO agents show up on scene.


The genius detective work of the DEO.

The near drowning and the near arrest by Cameron Chase and the warning about dead sidekicks from Batman cause Batwoman to rethink training her cousin Bette. So she heads straight home from almost drowning and fires Flamebird.



In theory, this is to keep Bette Kane safe from La Llorona. In reality, it just gives Bette Kane a reason to resurrect Flamebird and to get out of the stupid overalls she's been training in as Batwoman's sidekick. So the reader gets another changing scene! Except this time they're at separate locations and one is undressing while the other is dressing. It's all very meaningful with the meaning and the nakedness.



So Flamebird goes out on her own to look for La Llorona. And this is the final page of the story:



Is that middle image Batwoman as a small girl being visited by La Llorona? Is it her mother? Or is this where Batwoman received her ashy gray drowned person skin? And what is Flamebird going to find?

Well, Flamebird is probably going to find Cameron Chase and end up getting the 3rd degree and spilling the beans and other cliches that mean she's going to give up Batwoman's secret identity to the DEO. Probably serves somebody right.

Batwoman #2

Why take the name Batwoman? Why not come up with something altogether different? I read the 52 series where Batwoman first made her appearance but I can't remember why she decided to be Batwoman. Or if it was even explained there or later. It seems silly. Especially since Batman is dark and mysterious and she's got bright red hair and bright red lips and a bright red cape and nipples that pop through her leather outfit. She seems a lot less grim. Why associate yourself with a bat? She should be Fruit Batwoman! That wasn't meant to be derogatory!

Batman wanted Batwoman to join Batman, Inc. Whatever that is. Oh, what's that, Batwoman? Some kind of group of Batmen?



Oh, well that clears that up. Sounds a bit weird. Is Batman franchising?

Batwoman declines. For now.

Eventually, more children drown in La Llorona's mystic drool.



While children are murdered, Batwoman goes out on a date.


Batwoman might as well be one of the Endless.

Hey, you can't save everybody! And what's the point of being a Super Hero if it doesn't help you score chicks!


Just another day in Gotham City.

After her date, Batwoman goes back to work looking for La Llorona. Detective Sawyer catches her breaking in to the Gotham Police files where Batwoman discovers where the first murdered children were found. She takes off and Detective Sawyer calls up Cameron Chase to let her know where Batwoman can be found.

Oh yeah, Detective Sawyer is the woman Batwoman was out on a date with. Well, not Batwoman. Kate Kane. This is just the kind of thing that messes up a relationship! Detective Sawyer and Kate Kane will fall in love and then Sawyer will realize Kate is Batwoman and she'll get pouty and upset that Batwoman was using her to find out more information about the case. But Batwoman will protest and say that it started out that way but she now has real feelings for Sawyer. But Sawyer won't be able to trust her so they'll break up. And then there will be a montage with some sad song playing as Sawyer walks alone on the beach and Batwoman stares down over the darkened city from the top of a lonely skyscraper. And then they'll run into each other when they both go to a show at the club where they had that first date. And they'll be there with other people and they'll chat a bit and have a bitter sweet moment where they laugh about something that happened on that first date. And then they'll walk away from each other forever in the arms of other people they don't really love when they should be walking away together.

Except that ending won't fly with test audiences even though it's the better ending and the movie company will change it so that they run out of the club together while ditching their other dates.

Or Batwoman will end up going to investigate the boathouse and drown. One of those things will happen.


See? Although I'm not sure which scenario this is.

Batwoman #1

Batwoman begins with a couple telling a Gotham City Detective about the kidnapping of their children. Some creepy old lady ghosts snatched their kids while they were held immobile. But Batwoman comes crashing through the window to not really save the day! The ghosts disappear but they've taken the kids with them. So Batwoman promises the couple that she will find their kids. She'll save them all.

I'm kind of hoping that Batwoman deals with all of the paranormal crimes that happen in Gotham! I may end up liking her better than Batman. All I know about her from the 52 Megaseries is that she's a lesbian and has red hair. I hope she gets more interesting than that!

She has a sidekick just like Batman! I mean her sidekick isn't like Batman at all. But Batwoman has a sidekick named Flamebird the way that Batman has a sidekick named Robin. But Batwoman doesn't like Flamebird's costume so she's making her change it. I don't even remember Flamebird. Sounds like a West Coast Teen Titan's loser.


Oh Mr. Bones! How far you've come from your youthful days needling Infinity Inc!

Turns out Mr. Bones, sorry, Director Bones of the Department of Extranormal Operations is interested in Batwoman for some reason. He's also interested in some terrorist organization called Medusa (any relation to Basilisk? Two halves of the same group?) located in Gotham. So he's sending Cameron Chase to hunt down Batwoman.

It's times like these when I'm a bit confused about DC's New Universe. Bones is still doing his Black Ops work, so that's the same. And Cameron Chase is apparently still hunting down Super Heroes and/or Super Villains. I forget exactly what she did. And they discuss going after Batman again. Which they did back in the old universe. So they've done that now in this one too?

DC decides to do a reboot to unload tons of super hero baggage and let their characters begin again, fresh and clean. But then they keep going back to the well of the old universe to seed this one with history. Can't they just make up new history? I'm glad to see Director Bones involved in this story. He basically went from his Infinity Inc. cyanide touch villain days to become the Smoking Man of the DC Universe. Which I think is great. And that just (hopefully!) means that Batwoman's comic is going to be a little more paranormal than the other comics. But it's just so confusing the way DC is handling this reboot.

The watery ghost spirits seem to be behind the disappearance of 13 children and the drowning deaths of 6 others. The locals call her La Llorona, the Weeping Woman, an urban legend about a woman who lets her kids drown and then drowns herself.

Later, Flamebird admits to being a Teen Titan who fought Deathstroke! So she was a WEST COAST TITAN LOSER! Flamebird's secret identity is Bette Kane which makes her the cousin to Batwoman, Kate Kane.

Flamebird's affiliation with the Teen Titans is revealed as Batwoman and Flamebird get naked while changing out of costume. Earlier when they changed into costume, they got naked as well. Not totally nude since this is a Teen Rated comic. But enough side and bottom boob and underwear to get all the male fanboys excited about the naked lesbians! Or one naked lesbian and one naked woman who wouldn't look twice at them even though she likes the man stuff.

When is the last time Batman and Robin had a scene like this? Um, not that I want to see one! But it is some sort of weird double standard. It's convenient to have them chat about things while they change. You know, the way women do and men don't! And I guess they're cousins where it would be inappropriate for Batman to wave his Bat dingle in Robin's face while they change. I think. Is it? I don't know!

While they're having another undressing scene, Batwoman's father, Colonel Kane, comes in and they have a little fight. He seems to drop in just so Batwoman can explain why they haven't been talking. He doesn't get to say much more than a greeting so it is never revealed why he shows up. I think it's just so Kate can explode in a multitude of flashback images which recount a storyline that involved her sister thought dead but comes back as a Super Villain named Alice who only speaks in Alice in Wonderland quotes and ends up drowning in Gotham Harbor.

This all happened in the old DC Universe! Perhaps I'm just confused about how this reboot works. I guess some super heroes weren't affected by the universe change. This dimension is practically the same dimension as the last one for Batwoman while people like Firestorm have a bunch of different things going on. Maybe it's because Batwoman's first appearance was in the 52 maxi-series, so she's allowed to keep all of her old history. Even though some of that history deals with Batman's death and Dick Grayson being Batman for awhile. So I guess that part doesn't count! Just the parts about her sister dying in the bay.

On the final page, Batwoman is all alone at the scene of the most recent child drowning. Batman appears and says, "I have a proposition for you."

Shouldn't the great Bat-Detective know that Batwoman isn't interested in him? But then why would he be interested in her? She's frickin' gray!

Detective Comics #5

Aww, The Penguin. It doesn't look like Daniel's Penguin is based on Burgess Meredith at all! I think the Burgess Meredith Penguin was the only version of the penguin that was ever skinny.

I never totally understood The Penguin's whole gimmick. Batman chose a bat because it's nocturnal and would strike fear in the hearts of the criminals of Gotham. Did The Penguin simply choose his name because of a speech impediment? Or a physical ailment that caused him to waddle?

I also never understood why he was competition to Batman. I think he's really just a glorified Mob boss. Who dresses snazzy! Or snappy!



Looks like The Penguin runs a casino in Gotham. And he's got Darcy Parker Girls working for him!


That was a Strangers in Paradise reference.

Batman is headed there looking for some silent killer dressed like The Joker. Shirtless tycoon Hugh is already there with his dates Sophia Lake and Charlotte Rivers. Maybe they're going to meet Billy Ocean! Ooof. I just hurt my pride typing that.

Charlotte Rivers is that journalist Bruce Wayne is boinking. And it looks like she's trying to go undercover as a french maid to get some sort of story at Penguin's Iceberg Casino. But as you can see from the previous picture, the Penguin is on to her! The big pervert has cameras installed in the rooms! Especially hers! Ooh la la!

That was a really short story because there are two stories in this issue! The next one is called Russian Roulette.

The game is about some kid named Eli Strange playing poker against Russian mobsters. Meanwhile, a robotic crow built by his estranged father, Hugo Strange, is keeping an eye on him. After the poker game erupts into chaos, Catwoman arrives to clean things up. Eli was working with her on some sort of little caper. Not much to the story. I guess a little prologue to some Hugo Strange thing in the future. But I did want to discuss the poker being played. They're playing five card draw.

This is the Russian's starting hand:



With this hand, he still decides to ask for two cards!



And when the betting is over, this is his hand:



Also, Jokers are wild and I think those are Jokers since there isn't a suit on them. But even if they're Jacks, it wouldn't matter. He has either 5 of a kind or a full house.

This is the kid's hand:



Which he wins with!



He even cheats to change his hand to that from this:



The New DC Universe has some wacky Poker rules! Or else Eli Strange has some strange mental powers. But that doesn't account for why he had to change his original full house to the straight. Or why the Russian asks for two cards and then never draws two new cards! Except that his mental powers might be so strange as to be incomprehensible!

Oh, and see that guy with the eye patch in the background? He took a throwing star to the eye in the earlier story. So this takes place after that one, if it matters.