Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #3 (August 1992)

Somebody got into the chocolate pudding again.

Occasionally, Batman winds up working with one of his nemeses. It might even be more than occasionally because his nemeses aren't run of the mill criminals; they're people full of odd compulsions and weird obsessions. The Riddler doesn't necessarily have to be a villain just because he loves riddles and puzzles. He could have been the next Mark Goodson or Bill Todman if he'd just gotten an agent at an earlier age. But life being what it is, and meaning being something we need to graft onto life, and how the circumstances of our upbringing are completely out of our control, sometimes the only way to satisfy the addiction or compulsion that makes life worth living is to become a criminal mastermind. Also sometimes you get bit by a rat and you wind up almost killing your boy even though all you ever wanted to be was a good dog. Life is fucked, man.

Luckily for the Batman, this time The Riddler sees the forest while Batman is super obsessed over the crime-free trees. The Riddler needs to show Batman the error of his ways in backing this New Gotham project because backing it would be the wrong thing to do and Batman wouldn't want to do the wrong thing, would he? It's quite possible that this series marks the exact point in Batman's life where he veered away from becoming the fascist everybody figured he was going to wind up being anyway. And we have The Riddler to thank for it!

This issue is called "With Good Intentions" so I was wrong. Or was Gerard Jones wrong for adding the "with"? I think you're smart enough to know who was actually wrong. And if you say I was wrong, remember that you're siding with a convicted sex pest. Gerard Jones is the convicted sex pest! Not me! I only add that because most people on the Internet have a serious lack of reading comprehension. It's like they don't know how to read words to ferret out what's being said and instead read words and then don't comprehend them and then come up with whatever stupid thought was already in their head.

The issue begins with Groucho Marx learning how to give squatters brain damage with air rifles.

Hmm. I think he's actually killing them. But the whole point of the air rifle was just to disable them so they couldn't testify against Fritz and the other Armored Goons! Also so that they'd stop squatting on valuable territory and hassling the capitalists. I guess killing them works just as well, if not better, than giving them brain damage.

Fritz has captured Ms. Diforza and the squatters, chased The Riddler away, blackmailed the mayor, threatened the commissioner, and saw Batman get creamed by a train. So now he thinks he runs the city. Too bad he forgot about the Court of Owls! They probably saved Batman and secretly nursed him back to health without anybody being any wiser. Because if they were wiser, they'd be on the Court.

Fritz shadows Diforza at her next fundraising gala while his Armored Goons take the night off to go to a jazz club. But things don't turn out too good for them, being Baddies.

This is a prime example of how we must treat our fellow Americans who have chosen the fascist route. Give them zero succor! Let them steep in their hatred and bigotry!

A few days go by without any sign of Bruce or Batman. Fritz and his Armored Goons grow more confident believing they are in complete control of Gotham. Right up until spray-painted Bat logos begin appearing all over the city. Could it be? Did Batman survive?! Maybe this is one of those Elseworld books where The Riddler must take over the role of Batman. From now on, the city will be saved by a man who confuses the shit out of criminals with stupid riddles and puzzles. Who can ever rob a bank if you have to solve a series of shit Gollumesque riddles just to get the money? To solve a cryptic crossword just to snatch a purse? To figure out how to get that nail out of that bottle just to run some kind of confidence scheme?

Batman finally shows up just as the Armored Goons begin cracking down on the squatters, beating and arresting anybody they come across near the buildings they want to demolish, and all with the backing of the mayor (who's just as dumb and credulous as any IRL mayors Americans might be familiar with).

God I wish Batman were real simply so this is the last thing fascist motherfuckers like Trump, Miller, Hegseth, and even Mother Night sounding ass Sean Hannity would ever see.

Other people I'd also hope Batman would appear to like this? Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi. Maybe send those useless assholes off with heart attacks and get some new, hopefully progressive blood in there. Oh, and forget Batman. I'd just straight up send Deathstroke to take care of Fetterman. Fuck that asshole with a million barbed wire dildos.

As Batman battles the Armored Goons in the Gotham Subway, he knocks one into the third rail with a rush of broken sewer line, electrocuting him. Batman thinks maybe he's killed another until the guy speaks up, telling his compatriots to leave him and to keep after Batman. That's when Batman realizes The Riddler has been trying to tell him that Batman didn't kill the first guy either. How could he have killed one with a little old explosive Batarang when a tidal wave of shit water on an electric rail couldn't kill one?

Batman leads the Armored Goons out to the boardwalk, downing one with a tank of compressed liquid nitrogen (which probably didn't kill him because Batman doesn't care about accidentally killing them anymore. The armor's just too tough!). And since Batman can't defeat them while they're in the armor, he figures out a way to get them out of it quick as fuck.

Fucks are quick, right? It's not just me?

The seldom utilized Batsnake.

Batman didn't actually have that snake in his utility belt. He stole it off of a guy at the boardwalk whom I can only assume was one of Batman's other villains on his day off. Who carries a fucking boa around their neck while playing carnival games?

Batman steals the suit after knocking the Non-Armored Goon out with a kick to his throat. Now he just has to affect a ninja accent and pretend to like jazz music and he can infiltrate Fritz's gang!

Instead of using the armor himself, he takes it back to The Riddler to investigate its weaknesses. The Riddler doesn't help at all because he's only interested in badgering Batman. But Batman figures out a weakness in the armor and also doesn't tell The Riddler how he survived being run over by a train. Pshaw! You can't have a cliffhanger ending without showing the audience how the person hanged onto the cliff! This is outrageously poor form, Gerard Jones! Also, I won't apologize for calling your writing poor form when you ultimately reveal how Batman survived.

Of course! God forbid Batman be a populist! That would make him naïve! To think that common people deserve a chance to live the lives they want to lead without interference by money-grubbing politicians who've forgotten what life should be about in their pursuit of money and power!

I understand that Batman is a huge control freak but I don't understand why you'd have Batman instantly deny the idea that he's a populist. What the fuck is his entire mission for if it isn't to make the lives of everyday people safer and more secure? And not in a fascist way! As we saw in Frank Miller's cautionary tale, The Dark Knight Returns, Batman doesn't work as a fascist. Wait. Was that a cautionary tale? Oh shit. I need to re-read that, don't I?! Fucking Frank Miller!

Later the mayor holds a meeting with Commissioner Gordon, Fritz, Donna, and, um, Bruce Wayne? to discuss the future of the city and what's happening with New Gotham. His decision is that he's believed enough lies to declare a state of emergency so that police can beat the fucking shit out of anybody they want.

Judas Priest, comic book from 1992, can you stop with all the modern day commentary?!

Eventually everybody in Gotham works together to stop Fritz because, um, he's a communist? Man, why did Gerard Jones have to add that bit? You don't need a communist to overstep and become a fascist asshole in a capitalist society! Every fucker with too much money and power and not enough whimsy and happiness who has never once read an actual book that didn't have "sigma" in the title would do the same thing Fritz did if it meant they could pay 1% less taxes every year. But in 1992, bad guys could still overreach causing everybody else to band together and bring them down.

In the end, one of The Riddler's sharks eats Fritz. The Riddler lures him into the trap even though Batman's standing right there and would definitely have been able to save him if Batman had wanted to save him. So Batman kind of kills in his own way. A kind of subtractive murder where his inaction causes a death. And you can't be convicted in court of not doing something! I mean, you can because the American justice system is shit. But you probably won't be.

Everything works out in the end because Batman just learned a little something about social justice and community. Although he's still calling Gotham "my city" so maybe he's still a huge selfish billionaire prick.

Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #3 Rating: A. I don't have much memory of reading this book in 1992 but then I read so many comic books that my mind had no chance at containing memories of everything I read. The ones I most remember are the ones I talked about with my friends but that meant we all had to be reading the same books and that didn't happen as much as you'd think. Plus we were so busy playing Warhammer we didn't have time to discuss anything else! But I enjoyed this series so much now that I'm surprised I didn't even remember some guy being eaten by a shark. Maybe I was so young and male that I was all, "Pshaw! Women and minorities fighting for their rights? Haven't we already sorted that out to a point where I don't have to hear about it anymore? Bah! I'm a Nazi now!" No, you know what? I was never that young or male.

Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #2 (July 1992)

This cover is the color of your shit after a night binging MDMA.

If you know the real color of your shit after a serious rave event in a warehouse in San Francisco, you don't need to correct me in the comments. If I've ever done ecstasy, I didn't know I was doing it. Meaning, "Yes, I've taken drugs from strangers I've met in the parking lots of Grateful Dead concerts and on beaches near Santa Cruz around massive bonfires without totally knowing what those drugs were but assuming they were LSD and sometimes thinking, 'This feels different!'" Also, for transparency's sake, I don't actually remember what any of my shits looked like after a drug-fueled night of ego loss and being followed by Jupiter. Yes, the planet. Fucking stalker, that one is.

I also don't remember the look of any shit I took just after every other memory I have! Is that odd or normal? My guess is super normal. Sure, I remember what a lot of my shits looked like! That's normal too, right? I just don't connect the shits with any context in which they were shat. See? Totally normal bloke, me.

Before I get to The Riddler's story of not really needing to be in this story with his name on it, just a quick check-in on my read of Infinite Jest. I finished it. Or I'm halfway through, more like, because it's time to re-read it. My feeling is that there's a hidden story within the "main story" ("main story" is in quotes because what the fuck does "main story" even mean in Infinite Jest? Unless the "main story" is the hidden story (which I think it is!)). I think the story of what happened between the end of the book (around November of the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarments) and the first chapter (around November of the Year of Glad, the year following the Year of the Depend Adult Undergarments) is hidden within the book and you can only ferret it out after you know to look for the clues and recognize the characters and have a sense of the total timeline. Being that I'm an amazing reader with a college degree in reading shit, I think I can suss it out! Wish me luck on reading its 1000 pages all over again!

Also I need to re-read Hamlet because it ties in to Infinite Jest. I mean, duh! (That "duh" wasn't meant to make people who don't recognize that the phrase "infinite jest" is from Hamlet's graveyard speech where he talks to a rotting skull feel dumb. It was just meant to show that it's obvious to anybody who isn't dumb.) From Hamlet, I remember there's like a ghost and a play being a thing to catch the conscious of the king and some background characters who die and a drowned girl and a nice little think about suicide but it'd be good to have it all straight in my head since Infinite Jest also has a ghost and some suicide and a bunch of characters who die and maybe a drowned girl? I don't remember. I need to make sure I read Hamlet really closely to make sure I didn't miss a bunch of kids jumping in front of trains and losing their legs the first time I read it.

Anybody who doesn't know anything about Hamlet and Infinite Jest should just skip all that and begin reading this review from the next paragraph because you probably won't understand any of what I'm talking about. But if you are familiar with them, you're probably nodding along while reading and saying things like, "Oh! Exactly! Such smart observations! This blogger is a genius!"

I would think Batman's motto would be something more like "Justice for all" or "Crime doesn't pay."

I shouldn't be annoyed at Batman's summation of his whole identity as "Batman doesn't kill" even though it doesn't really explain anything about him. My motto might as well be "Grunion Guy doesn't kill." While true, it doesn't explain that I'm a shit memoirist masquerading as an even shittier comic book reviewer. Since it's not really a description that in any way describes the Batman, I have to assume that he thought it up as shade he's throwing at police. The police would do well to take up a motto that states that they don't kill. If, you know, they actually meant to go by it. Right now, isn't their motto supposedly "To protect and to serve"? They certainly don't fucking follow that one! If I had to come up with a police motto that describes them, it would be, "We're Fucking Scared Shitless of Everything and Only Know How to Resort to Violence When Scared". I wish my step-uncle was still the mayor of Portland. I'd petition him to force the police to use my motto. Also, along with body cams, I'd force them to wear a device which measures their heartbeat and whenever it senses they're scared, it plays a long, loud farting/shitting sound.

The Armored Thugs descend on Batman and try to arrest him for the murder of their comrade. Batman flees back to his mansion and tells Alfred he can't be Batman for awhile because Batman is now, technically, a cop killer. But he also assures Alfred that Bruce Wayne will continue to help Ms. Diforza's dream of an authoritarian capitalist nightmare version of Gotham City come true.

He's really bought into this shit, hasn't he?

This has got to be the most naïve version of Batman I've ever read. Somebody says "free of crime" and he simply ignores all of the other red flags that go along with the person's plan. Every fucking way Ms. Diforza described her "New Gotham" sounded like a dystopian, authoritarian nightmare and Bruce Wayne hears "free of crime" and he's all, "Bingo! Let's do it! Let's destroy communities, unhouse people, make a place unlivable except for the very wealthy, and have it patrolled by privatized murderers who'll make the decisions on who's not acting correctly or pulling their weight! Ah! No crime! What a dream!"

Commander Communist of Diforza's Armored Goons takes his VHS recording of Batman murdering one of his men to the Mayor and Commissioner Gordon. The Mayor, siding with Commander Communist, demands an investigation into Batman and Gordon must reveal that he'd given Batman The Riddler's clue a few nights ago. The very next day, the Gotham newspapers all proclaim that Batman and The Riddler are working together. Not that any of the journalists investigated the claim because that's not how journalism works. Some would say I should add "now" to that but they've just been in denial for most of their lives. Not me, though! Go ahead! Search my memoir entries, err, I mean, comic book reviews from the last fifteen years for all of my various rants about how journalists do nothing but fail to understand what they're supposed to do. It may be worse now because so many newspapers are owned by wealthy corporate billionaires who definitely don't want to see any sort of progress because they're selfish assholes but it's been that way for decades. Centuries! Probably millennia! Why do you think Joseph McCarthy was able to ruin so many lives? Because he knew that the newspapers would print his lies. They did his work for him. So now, the Gotham paper is doing the work for Commander Communist by printing his speculation that Batman and The Riddler are working together. And of course everybody believes the paper because the greatest trick journalists ever pulled was making people believe that they're somehow factual and unbiased. But in their desperation to appear unbiased, all they fucking do is print bias and lies.

Here we see The Riddler is smarter than Batman. And yet he's never mentioned alongside Lex Luthor, Brainiac, or Mr. Terrific.

Bob and her army of social justice warriors (I'm not using that in a derogatory fashion. Fucking stupid that so many fucking stupid people keep taking words to use as insults so that, ultimately, they constantly have to be re-defined every time they're used. God, I despise so many rat bastard cowardly pieces of racist shit) plan their next demonstration from the roof of a building so that Batman can easily drop by without smashing a skylight or two.

Oh no! She said "social justice"! In 1992! It's like comic books have always been about social justice or something!

Batman's speechless. Is it because he's never once considered social justice and how it's intertwined with criminal justice and community? Has he never once thought, "My parents were murdered by a desperate man in an unsafe alley of an ignored neighborhood while the police were busy hassling minority youth across town? I mean, poverty didn't kill my parents, did it? Wage theft? Unemployment? Destroying all social safety nets? Hiking rent to levels that force people into houselessness? It was a gun and a mean man, right? That's why I stop guns and mean men!"

Fritz (previously referred to as Commander Communist because I didn't know his first name was Fritz which is much easier and I was definitely not going to keep using Olmquest and spelling it wrong over and over. I mean Olmstedt) has his men hunting down The Riddler by torturing and killing henchmen who recently worked with The Riddler. They murder them by tearing their legs apart and splitting them down the middle which means the Gotham Police are probably going to think Bane is back. Or Batman has a new M.O. They're not competent.

Bruce continues to try to get Donna to stop working with Fritz but she defends him because Fritz discovered that The Riddler and Batman were working together. But Bruce is all, "I can somehow assure you that they are not working together although I cannot offer any proof or evidence of the fact for reasons that I can't discuss because I've already probably said too much. But also Batman is too smart and fit and massively cocked to work with Eddie. I mean The Riddler. Now, what were you saying about my massive cock?"

The next day, Bob (having been bailed out by an anonymous and massively cocked rich guy) and her group put their plan in motion of occupying the next building that Ms. Diforza was going to demolish.

I haven't once mentioned how fucking hot Bob is because she's a lesbian and I figure she doesn't want me describing all the nasty ways my male gaze has been eye fucking her. Also she's a drawing and I'm not a weird perv who gets sexually aroused by comics! Other than Family Circus, of course. By the mother! Not the kids! Yeesh! But maybe also by Ida Know, Not Me, and Nobody?

Oh, I forgot to mention that this issue was called "Paved". That probably means the final issue will be called "Good Intentions".

Bruce Wayne takes a nap while Fritz's men ("They've killed Fritz! They've killed Fritz!") search for Batman and The Riddler. They aren't allowed to hassle Bob and her crew right now because the media can't see Diforza and her security guards as being the aggressors. The optics would harm the New Gotham project because, back in 1992, being an abusive bully who wants their people to commit violence against their detractors was seen as authoritarian, fascist, and criminal. Times have, you know, changed.

Bruce Wayne wakes up, spends a few panels gooning (Bruce's gooning is just thinking nonsensical philosophical thoughts), and has Alfred make him some coffee. While he drinks some coffee, he asks Alfred to turn on the news. What I'm learning so far is that Bruce cannot do anything himself, starting with waking up on time if he forgets to have Alfred wake him up or set the alarm. While drinking his coffee, the news plays a tape that was sent to them by The Riddler. How fortuitous!

This isn't going to help with the Batman and The Riddler working together allegations.

The Riddler's message ends with a riddle about where to meet up with The Riddler that sounds obvious but must be really cryptic since The Riddler doesn't want half of Gotham to meet him there. Not being a resident of Gotham, I don't understand the riddle but I'm sure if I did, I'd have figured it out in three seconds. More importantly, if The Court of Owls are watching, they'll definitely know where to go to hide in a nearby wall and spy on the meeting as they whisper about how they won't reveal themselves for another twenty years.

The Riddler to discover where Batman can meet The Riddler is "Where the Dutchman put his stamp on the head of the city." This clue leads to a statue of a giant stamper by a Dutch artist Birnley Head Park. Jesus Christ. That's barely a riddle at all! The Riddler must really think Batman's a fucking dolt.

The Riddler has left a riddle on the stamp statue which I'll admit is a pretty good one about a phone number. Batman calls the number, gets The Riddler himself, and then gets angry when The Riddler won't tell him where he is even though he answered the phone with a riddle whose answer is obviously Benjamin Franklin. So there must be some place in Gotham called the Benjamin Franklin building. Batman surely figured out the riddle faster than even I did but he's out of patience so he hangs up on The Riddler. The Riddler knows Fritz's men are closing in on him but his compulsion forces him to wait to see if Batman gets the riddle or not.

It turns out torturing and killing henchman is faster than solving stupid riddles.

The Riddler, having grown up around weirdly obsessive lunatics that break laws according to really strict rules their mental illnesses set for them, thinks that Fritz can't arrest him because he has no proof of any crimes that The Riddler has committed that won't also incriminate Fritz. But Fritz never planned on arresting him anyway.

"And so we are forced to shoot you in the act of escaping" doesn't sound like a great criminal defense. It sounds like an admission of murder.

People who think shooting somebody trying to flee the cops are people I will never, ever be "civil" with. The United States is full of psychopaths who absolutely believe that they are good people and you can't know how much I fucking can't stand them. I loathe them. I despise them. And yet I still want to see this country become a place that takes care of its citizens equally, even the psychopaths. I would never want to see them shot in the back. For any reason! But, holy shit, do a lot of "nice people" have fantasies about killing other Americans.

Batman arrives just in time to crash the Batmobile through a window ("Cha-ching!" thinks Bruce Wayne as he begins tallying how much money Wayne Window and Skylight Repairs will be making this week) and runs over one of the three Armored Goons. He doesn't think about how carefully he hit him or how he knew the armor would hold up or any of the stuff he thought last issue just before killing a guy which is how I know that the Armored Goon Batman just hit won't be seriously injured. Batman lays down a smoke screen but the sensors in the armor enable them to continue tracking the Batmobile. Also the noise it makes as it's screeching around the warehouse and revving its engine. But Batman has a way to counteract their sensors!

Now I'll never see the Batmobile without thinking how it's full of Batdummies.

When Batman's running around with a Robin, do you think he stuffs fake Robins in the trunk as well? Or does he just use Robin Dummies when he's battling The Joker so The Joker becomes hampered by his murder hard-on?

Batman snatches up The Riddler in the middle of the chaos and they escape to a secret location where they can secretly work together in secret (even if everybody already believes they're working together (which they are now!)). Batman grills The Riddler on what he knows about Fritz and Ms. Diforza's plans but The Riddler can't help answering every question in riddles. The Riddler, being full of a compulsion to never speak plainly, tells Batman a story about a hawk so intent on the mouse it was chasing that it crashed into a tree. Batman is all, "What are you saying?" The Riddler answers with a story about a boxer trying to find a challenge who eventually beats his hands bloody battling the man in the mirror. And Batman is all, "If you're trying to tell me--". But he never finishes describing what he thinks The Riddler is trying to tell him because Alfred calls with an emergency alert. Batman is all, "You're a lucky man, Riddler. Saved by the bell." I don't know why Batman says that? I guess he was about to smash The Riddler's face in for being a huge riddling smart ass.

Batman being so far up Bruce Wayne's asshole can't see what The Riddler is trying to tell him: that New Gotham is not going to be the Utopia Batman wants to believe it can be. It's just more of the same rich, privileged people shitting all over anybody they see as socially or economically beneath them. Batman can't figure out the answer to The Riddler's social justice riddles because he's too distracted by Bruce Wayne shitting out of his penthouse window.

Alfred's emergency is that Fritz and his Armored Goons are about to commit some acts of extreme violence on Bob and her protesters. Later, the media will blame the violence on the protesters because they love to carry water for the police. Batman arrives just as the chaos begins kicking off.

Come on, Gordon. This isn't the time nor the place to come out of the closet.

I said, "Come on Gordon." Hee hee. Burnside Babs would have found that funny.

Gordon gathers a bunch of men with massive batons to demand that Fritz and his deputized Armored Goons beat feet. I mention they're deputized because that means they sort of have to listen to the police commissioner. But it doesn't mean they have to vote for him! I bet they go home and begin planning on how to make their voices heard to get their way while working within the system as everything falls to shit around them. Not that I think their not being able to build New Gotham is "things falling to shit". But they probably do!

Man, I really could use some fish and chips with lager for dinner! Sorry, I just meant to think that.

Batman's plan also involves doing things within non-violent means. He asks Bob to meet with Ms. Diforza so that Bob can learn that fighting to live her life the way she wants to live it is stupid. She should pack it all in and do what other people want her to do! Life only has meaning if privileged cis heterosexual white people think it has meaning. Duh! The sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life. But at least the privileged people can completely ignore you! Why can't you think of their right to not be bothered with justice for everybody?!

Yeah, Bruce. How dare you fuck a high-powered woman in her penthouse pool after she basically bullied you into it and then not do everything she demands you do? No wonder you can't maintain a long-term relationship!

Fritz barges into Donna's penthouse even though she's told him not to do that on at least one other occasion (and isn't once enough? Have some respect, Fritz. She's already dealing with all the sharks The Riddler left in his office). He demands that Donna kick Bruce out of the project and investigate Commissioner Gordon. Donna is all, "No way! I'll investigate you!" That's a winning argument with Fritz because you might remember he was a member of the Stasi in East Germany so you know he's killed at least fifteen young people simply for listening to rock and roll records.

Bruce Wayne convinces Donna t speak with Bob although I don't think it was so much his debate tactics or the extra tight pants wrapped around his massively cocked lower torso.

While Bruce tries to solve the problem before Batman starts kicking teeth out of heads, The Riddler reveals that he's actually a 50s teenage girl in the skinniest man's body possible.

"Oh Joker! You'll never believe who took me out for a malted and then fingered my butthole!"

I always imagined The Joker would have owned a Garfield phone.

Ms. Diforza heads off to meet with Bob on her own. Was that Bruce's plan or did she just take the initiative because she's a powerful woman who makes her own way in the world. Bob, also a powerful woman who repeat previous dependent clause. Too bad Fritz is also a powerful, um, person who doesn't know anything except violence so he smashes through the wall to surprise Bob and Donna as they negotiate. But Batman also knows how to smash through walls and interrupt things!

See? Batman has a sense of humor! He's taking The Riddler's joke to heart and changing up why he's called Batman!

Surprisingly, Batman does not defeat Fritz in his power armor using a metal pipe. Fritz almost kills Batman, even remarking that Batman would probably like his back broken rather than be strangled. It's like he knew about the Knightfall story arc a full year before it happened! Unlike Bane, Fritz fails to break the Bat, instead just tearing his cape as Batman leaps away to save The Riddler who has gotten himself in such a ridiculous situation that he had to reference the episode of Leave it to Beaver where Whitey convinces Beaver to climb into a gigantic billboard cup of soup. Yes, Beaver was stupid enough to think the billboard had actual soup in it and, yes, he had an idiot friend named Whitey. Why was he named Whitey? It was the 50s so you probably don't really want to know the answer to that.

It's not the exact situation but the scene was famous enough that in 1992, everybody would have known exactly what The Riddler was talking about.

Batman manages to get the coffee cup off of The Riddler and push him out of the way of the train before it hits him. "Him" being The Riddler since, apparently, the train actually does run down Batman. At least that's what everybody watching seems to think. But you and I, inveterate comic book readers, know better! Mostly because it's 2025 and there have been hundreds if not thousands of Batman comic books since this was published. But also because we would never believe a hero was actually dead for good. Except the after this when they killed Superman. Obviously that was forever.

Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #2 Rating: A. I've sort of gotten over my annoyance that Batman acts so naive about social justice versus criminal justice in this issue so it deserves a better ranking. It's a fun book which is high praise from me! I love comic books that are fun! Also comic books with sexy women. Maybe comic books with sexy men too. And also dark comic books about really deep shit full of existential horror. And also comic books about engaging in loving lesbian relationships while they try to navigate a world full of deadly women with flower tattoos trying to murder them. Oh, and also comic books about elves!

Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #1 (June 1992)

This is what a $5.00 comic book used to look like.

This story begins with a civil engineer trying to sell Bruce Wayne on the ultimate neighborhood. I haven't read more than her pitch and Bruce's response so far because it sent me spiraling. The pitch is awful. It sounds awful. It sounds like all of the worst ways to make your community absolute shit. It's the kind of pitch you hear from somebody and, if your morals are more important than your pocketbook, you spit in their face because just saying no to this kind of pitch isn't a strong enough refusal. Bruce Wayne, as you'll see, pops a huge boner over part of this pitch and the only reason I haven't immediately completely lost respect for Batman for simply this one bad move by a pedophiliac writer is because I'm hoping he's just acting like he thinks Bruce Wayne would act. Of course Bruce finds his pocketbook more important than his morals; he's a billionaire! It's like when I see Clark Kent trip; I know it's a put-on to protect his secret identity. So when Bruce Wayne is all, "Yes, I would love to invest in your dystopian community!", that's just his version of tripping over an office chair and spilling scalding hot coffee on Jimmy Olsen.

Anyway, sorry to throw you in the lake so abruptly! Here's the woman's pitch to Bruce:

Note the name of the issue. I have a feeling it's important!

Bruce's response to this pitch, which he interrupts (as indicated by the two dashes (am I supposed to perceive those two dashes as an em dash?)), is "Wait a minute, Ms. Diforza did you say .... free of crime?" (All punctuation transcribed exactly as in the speech bubble.) So Bruce's no-crime boner and the title's allusion to "good intentions" and where they'll take you makes me believe that Bruce might actually be buying into this shit. All he had to hear was "free of crime" and he forgets how she said "private security force" which means a bunch of people paid to beat the shit out of any person they can plausibly condemn as a miscreant without having to answer to any citizen board or elections. He ignores where she says "private recreation" which means exclusive clubs to keep out whatever type of people they deem "unworthy" of using their facilities. He ignores "corporate" and "high end" and how that speaks volumes for what this community will be interested in protecting (hint: property values over people). He doesn't even flinch at the characterization of a neighborhood that's been ill-served by the city so that it's maybe not as up to code as the people living there might want it to be, never once mentioning the people living there because they have no other choice. If you mention how the buildings are old and decaying, you don't have to speculate on the people living there and what will happen to them. Making a place "crime free" doesn't just mean kicking out people in poverty and shunting them somewhere else where they're now in even worse sorts. Guess how else you can make a place crime free and worth living in? Providing the necessary help for people in poverty, not ignoring the infrastructure of an area simply because of a bias as to who lives there, dropping the over-policing shit because police always make everything worse, and refusing to buckle under by selling everything out to private and corporate interests so that rents force people out of their homes and into the streets where shit starts spiraling out of control even faster for those barely getting by as it is.

I won't say, "Fuck you, Bruce Wayne," yet! But I'm fucking close, man!

Fuck you, Bruce Wayne!

Ignoring DiForza's condescension with the phrase "little people" (a phrase she's using because whatever word caused her to hesitate and re-think saying was probably some kind of slur), what makes Bruce think that the "little people" are the ones who will benefit from this corporate, high-end, privately secured neighborhood?! I know Bruce Wayne isn't stupid so he'd better be fucking with her! He'd better already have alerted Alfred to get his Batsuit ready because he's got to follow some rich fucking corporation-fellator around for the night. I bet she sets at least three homeless people on fire on her way home from the gala.

Thinking she's landed him so easily with her pitch to create a new crime-free Gotham, Diforza eases up and really starts spouting her racist, classist garbage. Bruce was probably just giving her enough slack to hang herself, right?

I bet this conversation was cut up like this because in much the same way Clark show's he's clumsy to prove he's not a super dude, Bruce probably drops the N-word while dealing with fucking pricks like this at his rich shindigs.

Oh, I see! She probably figured she didn't need to mention that the current residents were going to be kicked out. Rich people would just take that as a given that anybody listening to this shit would understand. So her idea of helping out the "little people" is getting Bruce Wayne to throw some money at the project and build some kind of Section-8 housing in some other beaten-to-shit Gotham neighborhood.

Being that he's like the title character of this series, The Riddler crashes this gala by walking in and stripping a woman by pulling one bow of her outfit. I didn't realize he had any actual super powers until now. I guess you can't go around calling yourself The Bra Wrangler or The Panty Dropper though. I mean, you could but everybody would think you were an idiot frat bro. The Riddler pretends that stripping the woman was a sign of his intelligence which sounds about right since most of the guys who want to be seen as logical and intelligent are usually the ones who try to defend any kind of misogyny. "Dude, it was just locker room talk!" As if guys showing their true nature in a private space is supposed to be some kind of defense. A lot of us men grew up actively avoiding locker rooms because these Neanderthals felt they could be as awful as possible. If you defend something by saying it's jus a thing that guys do in a locker room, those of us who grew up with you and spent time in high school locker rooms with you understand you all too well. You're a vile, despicable human being.

It turns out The Riddler works for Ms. DiForza seeking out leaks in her security or faults in her engineers' plans. He makes an appearance, insults Bruce Wayne, and then flaunts his way right out of the room. Since Bruce Wayne has a huge deal in the works that involves evicting technical criminals (squatters), Batman decides to try to scare them out. Or maybe he's investigating. If he's just investigating, he sure goes about it in a way that's likely to start some violence. Just like a fucking cop, man!

Maybe I should just be glad he's not Judge Dredd.

Batman's too smart not to already know what the fuck is going down out here in the shit neighborhoods and abandoned buildings. But sometimes naïve Batman gets taken down from the shelf so social-economic shit can be spoken in character to help bring the reader a little closer to finding sympathy with lawbreakers and anarchists who aren't out to harm anybody. They're fighting the system every day just to survive as freely as possible (not "free" as in "paying nothing" but "free" as in "the man ain't gonna fucking control me").

Bob offers Batman some dinner (arroz con pollo, one of my favorite dishes my grandmother used to make!) but Batman decides to do his best Judge Dredd being slightly reasonable impression by repeating, "A crime is a crime." Oh, fuck you, Bruce Wayne! You know who the real criminals are! Why you hassling these folk?!

As Batman loses the debate with the squatters, the real criminals fire bomb the building they're squatting. Much easier than convincing Bruce Wayne to get involved! Although putting the lives of the squatters' children in danger will probably get Bruce Wayne way more involved than Diforza and The Riddler want him to be. You know, as Batman. Because once the squatters have abandoned the building due to the fire bombing, Batman's free to see them as people instead of criminals and then he'll be all, "I'm Batman! I stop street crime which means I now have reason to go after the white collar criminals! They should have stuck to manipulating and ruining the lives of people via capitalism! That's acceptable!"

While not necessarily needing to be rescued, Batman is rescued by some gigantic armored robots who probably had nothing to do with the arson at all. I mean, Batman also happened to be at the location and I'm not suspicious of him. So why not give the private robot security team the benefit of the doubt?

They look a little bit like Gordon's Bat-armor from The New 52.

The Riddler proves to be a pain-in-the-ass employee to Ms. Diforza. Instead of building a security system, he builds traps that can be evaded if the intruders are smart enough. When he procures information against Ms. Diforza's competitors, he tries to leave clues as to who stole them. Ms. Diforza decides to put up with him because she feels she owes him for how much he's done getting the project to where it is but her head of security wants to kick his ass back to his parole officer. He blames The Riddler on The Batman hanging around the condemned buildings within the future development. That one, at least, isn't The Riddler's fault.

A few days later, after the fire-bombed building has been torn down, Ms. Diforza holds a press conference to explain to the city and the "little people" how New Gotham will benefit everybody.

Oh, fuck you, Donna Diforza.

I'm not even sure why this comic book needs The Riddler. Diforza's doing a bang-up job being the villain already.

I'm so sick and tired of people who purport to want to help people but only if those people succumb to their control and approval. Any time anybody tells me they "approve" of what I'm doing, I punch them in the fucking mouth.

The protesters take over the stage and Bob grabs up the microphone to describe to the press what's really going on their neighborhood. But she's blasted by one of the armored private security guys working for Diforza. Bruce steps in to half-heartedly defend the protestors.

Yeah, you dumb robot. Smaller amounts of extreme physical violence would get the job done!

Bob and her crew attempt to kidnap Ms. Diforza while Bruce and the robot man argue about just how much to hurt the protestors to get them to shut up. I don't know if Gerard Jones thinks protestors would do this kind of shit or he knows he's writing a comic book about Gotham City so things really need to escalate. Or maybe Bob was just using Ms. Diforza as a human shield so that Ms. Diforza's goons wouldn't shoot her a second time. It feels like Gerard Jones thinks he needs to slowly make the readers understand that the protestors are the good guys instead of presuming the readers have already started out in that position. It's like he's writing for people from 1992 and/or Gamergaters.

Earlier, some of the elite at the gala were pointing out how much Donna Diforza was flirting with Bruce Wayne and I'm beginning to think that's why Bruce is having trouble coming around to simply putting an end to this whole project. His body has diverted too much blood from the think organ to the fuck organ. And, I mean, I kind of get it.

Dive, Donna, Dive

Before Donna and Bruce fuck in the pool, Bruce learns that Donna's head of security is an ex-Stasi operative from East Germany who proposed this whole idea of "central community planning." And he still doesn't drop the project right there! Oh, yeah, I forgot that happened before he got laid. Maybe he'll put a stop to the project on the next page as he's dumping the used condom in the bin.

It's sort of hilarious that in 1992, the person in charge of the capitalist crimes had to be an East German Communist. What? People wouldn't buy that an American corporation would commit violence against poor people on the land they want to develop? I mean, there were people in 1992 who absolutely understood you didn't need a Communist to be the baddie. I was there! Kurt Vonnegut was there! Thomas Pynchon was there! Um, probably some other people who understood the horrors of capitalism too but I didn't know any others personally.

The Riddler, who must be a tried and true American, does not like seeing a Communist involved in this project. Also The Riddler has this obsessive-compulsive thing he does where he has to send a riddle to Batman to give Batman a chance to stop any crime The Riddler knows about or is involved in. So The Riddler, spying on the Communist security chief, realizes he's going to kill the squatters. He sends a riddle to Gordon who passes it on to Batman. But Gordon doesn't just have the riddle for Batman; he's also got a stupid fucking moronic question.

Who the fuck cares, man?! Dump those assholes who think they need to know why Batman was with some squatters. Fuck you, Jim Gordon!

From how seriously Gordon asks the question, you'd think Batman got caught fucking goats. "The people need to know, Batman. Why were you fucking goats?!" Batman doesn't answer because Jim won't tell him what assholes want to know. I bet it's The Court of Owls! I think this is the first appearance of the idea of the possibility of the Court of Owls!

Batman witnesses Bob Cifuentes' car blow up, killing her friend. She rushes out to the street and is immediately arrested by the Armored Goons. Batman realizes, begrudgingly, that he has to side with the squatters. He attacks the Armored Thugs but before he can do any real damage, the police, having been called by Diforza's goons, arrive to take Bob into custody. Batman doesn't want to beat up the police no matter how many police need beating up, so he backs down and assures Bob that she'll be okay, if she's innocent. Bob gives Batman a dose of reality.

"If you are innocent." This fucking dick seriously doesn't want to have to be on the side of poor people.

Batman goes back to grill Gordon and discovers the Armored Goons have been deputized to work with the Gotham Police. Gordon doesn't like it but he can't prove the leader, the Communist, is as bad as he thinks he is. Batman promises to find the evidence and heads out to patrol for the rest of the week.

A few nights later, Batman encounters one of the Armored Goons. He engages him in battle and the entire fight, Batman is all, "One small charge on my batarang to stagger him but not injure him. A smoke bomb to disrupt his sensors but not injure him. One more batarang to stop him but not injure him." Every other thought from Batman is, "I've done everything right not to injure this guy!" I wonder why he keeps reminding the reader that he's so cautious about causing bodily harm? If he thought like this all the time, I wouldn't be so down on how much he loves to break bones!

Oh! That's why! So we know Batman didn't actually kill this guy.

Attentive readers will have remembered how Captain Communist told one of his men who fucked up during their mission that he would have to teach them a lesson about being a victim so they know that this man was killed by the Communist and not by Batman. But the police won't know that when they find the dead guy with an exploded boomerang on him. Oh, and also when The Riddler sends a VHS tape of the killing to the police department.

The issue ends with Ms. Diforza firing The Riddler because he's packed his office full of sharks and she's like, "What the fuck?! How are we supposed to take care of these sharks?!" Now I guess Ms. Diforza has two enemies? Batman and The Riddler? Because The Riddler doesn't seem happy about being fired. He's like a cat who keeps biting and scratching you when you're just trying to take your hand away because the cat thinks it's a game but you're just all, "Look, cat! I just don't want a bunch of dead sharks stinking up my building!" And now the cat is all, "A-ha! Now that you've tossed me outside so you can get rid of my sharks, the real game is afoot!" Was that metaphor/analogy any good?

Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #1 Rating: B+. I'd probably have given it an A+ if Bruce Wayne and Batman weren't being so fucking strict about the law and obtuse about understanding how capitalism victimizes so many. Also I have to criticize Gerard Jones' need to make the main villain a fucking Communist. That's like putting fifteen hats on another hat. Sort of unnecessary. Also still kind of funny though.