Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #3 (August 1992)

Somebody got into the chocolate pudding again.

Occasionally, Batman winds up working with one of his nemeses. It might even be more than occasionally because his nemeses aren't run of the mill criminals; they're people full of odd compulsions and weird obsessions. The Riddler doesn't necessarily have to be a villain just because he loves riddles and puzzles. He could have been the next Mark Goodson or Bill Todman if he'd just gotten an agent at an earlier age. But life being what it is, and meaning being something we need to graft onto life, and how the circumstances of our upbringing are completely out of our control, sometimes the only way to satisfy the addiction or compulsion that makes life worth living is to become a criminal mastermind. Also sometimes you get bit by a rat and you wind up almost killing your boy even though all you ever wanted to be was a good dog. Life is fucked, man.

Luckily for the Batman, this time The Riddler sees the forest while Batman is super obsessed over the crime-free trees. The Riddler needs to show Batman the error of his ways in backing this New Gotham project because backing it would be the wrong thing to do and Batman wouldn't want to do the wrong thing, would he? It's quite possible that this series marks the exact point in Batman's life where he veered away from becoming the fascist everybody figured he was going to wind up being anyway. And we have The Riddler to thank for it!

This issue is called "With Good Intentions" so I was wrong. Or was Gerard Jones wrong for adding the "with"? I think you're smart enough to know who was actually wrong. And if you say I was wrong, remember that you're siding with a convicted sex pest. Gerard Jones is the convicted sex pest! Not me! I only add that because most people on the Internet have a serious lack of reading comprehension. It's like they don't know how to read words to ferret out what's being said and instead read words and then don't comprehend them and then come up with whatever stupid thought was already in their head.

The issue begins with Groucho Marx learning how to give squatters brain damage with air rifles.

Hmm. I think he's actually killing them. But the whole point of the air rifle was just to disable them so they couldn't testify against Fritz and the other Armored Goons! Also so that they'd stop squatting on valuable territory and hassling the capitalists. I guess killing them works just as well, if not better, than giving them brain damage.

Fritz has captured Ms. Diforza and the squatters, chased The Riddler away, blackmailed the mayor, threatened the commissioner, and saw Batman get creamed by a train. So now he thinks he runs the city. Too bad he forgot about the Court of Owls! They probably saved Batman and secretly nursed him back to health without anybody being any wiser. Because if they were wiser, they'd be on the Court.

Fritz shadows Diforza at her next fundraising gala while his Armored Goons take the night off to go to a jazz club. But things don't turn out too good for them, being Baddies.

This is a prime example of how we must treat our fellow Americans who have chosen the fascist route. Give them zero succor! Let them steep in their hatred and bigotry!

A few days go by without any sign of Bruce or Batman. Fritz and his Armored Goons grow more confident believing they are in complete control of Gotham. Right up until spray-painted Bat logos begin appearing all over the city. Could it be? Did Batman survive?! Maybe this is one of those Elseworld books where The Riddler must take over the role of Batman. From now on, the city will be saved by a man who confuses the shit out of criminals with stupid riddles and puzzles. Who can ever rob a bank if you have to solve a series of shit Gollumesque riddles just to get the money? To solve a cryptic crossword just to snatch a purse? To figure out how to get that nail out of that bottle just to run some kind of confidence scheme?

Batman finally shows up just as the Armored Goons begin cracking down on the squatters, beating and arresting anybody they come across near the buildings they want to demolish, and all with the backing of the mayor (who's just as dumb and credulous as any IRL mayors Americans might be familiar with).

God I wish Batman were real simply so this is the last thing fascist motherfuckers like Trump, Miller, Hegseth, and even Mother Night sounding ass Sean Hannity would ever see.

Other people I'd also hope Batman would appear to like this? Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi. Maybe send those useless assholes off with heart attacks and get some new, hopefully progressive blood in there. Oh, and forget Batman. I'd just straight up send Deathstroke to take care of Fetterman. Fuck that asshole with a million barbed wire dildos.

As Batman battles the Armored Goons in the Gotham Subway, he knocks one into the third rail with a rush of broken sewer line, electrocuting him. Batman thinks maybe he's killed another until the guy speaks up, telling his compatriots to leave him and to keep after Batman. That's when Batman realizes The Riddler has been trying to tell him that Batman didn't kill the first guy either. How could he have killed one with a little old explosive Batarang when a tidal wave of shit water on an electric rail couldn't kill one?

Batman leads the Armored Goons out to the boardwalk, downing one with a tank of compressed liquid nitrogen (which probably didn't kill him because Batman doesn't care about accidentally killing them anymore. The armor's just too tough!). And since Batman can't defeat them while they're in the armor, he figures out a way to get them out of it quick as fuck.

Fucks are quick, right? It's not just me?

The seldom utilized Batsnake.

Batman didn't actually have that snake in his utility belt. He stole it off of a guy at the boardwalk whom I can only assume was one of Batman's other villains on his day off. Who carries a fucking boa around their neck while playing carnival games?

Batman steals the suit after knocking the Non-Armored Goon out with a kick to his throat. Now he just has to affect a ninja accent and pretend to like jazz music and he can infiltrate Fritz's gang!

Instead of using the armor himself, he takes it back to The Riddler to investigate its weaknesses. The Riddler doesn't help at all because he's only interested in badgering Batman. But Batman figures out a weakness in the armor and also doesn't tell The Riddler how he survived being run over by a train. Pshaw! You can't have a cliffhanger ending without showing the audience how the person hanged onto the cliff! This is outrageously poor form, Gerard Jones! Also, I won't apologize for calling your writing poor form when you ultimately reveal how Batman survived.

Of course! God forbid Batman be a populist! That would make him naïve! To think that common people deserve a chance to live the lives they want to lead without interference by money-grubbing politicians who've forgotten what life should be about in their pursuit of money and power!

I understand that Batman is a huge control freak but I don't understand why you'd have Batman instantly deny the idea that he's a populist. What the fuck is his entire mission for if it isn't to make the lives of everyday people safer and more secure? And not in a fascist way! As we saw in Frank Miller's cautionary tale, The Dark Knight Returns, Batman doesn't work as a fascist. Wait. Was that a cautionary tale? Oh shit. I need to re-read that, don't I?! Fucking Frank Miller!

Later the mayor holds a meeting with Commissioner Gordon, Fritz, Donna, and, um, Bruce Wayne? to discuss the future of the city and what's happening with New Gotham. His decision is that he's believed enough lies to declare a state of emergency so that police can beat the fucking shit out of anybody they want.

Judas Priest, comic book from 1992, can you stop with all the modern day commentary?!

Eventually everybody in Gotham works together to stop Fritz because, um, he's a communist? Man, why did Gerard Jones have to add that bit? You don't need a communist to overstep and become a fascist asshole in a capitalist society! Every fucker with too much money and power and not enough whimsy and happiness who has never once read an actual book that didn't have "sigma" in the title would do the same thing Fritz did if it meant they could pay 1% less taxes every year. But in 1992, bad guys could still overreach causing everybody else to band together and bring them down.

In the end, one of The Riddler's sharks eats Fritz. The Riddler lures him into the trap even though Batman's standing right there and would definitely have been able to save him if Batman had wanted to save him. So Batman kind of kills in his own way. A kind of subtractive murder where his inaction causes a death. And you can't be convicted in court of not doing something! I mean, you can because the American justice system is shit. But you probably won't be.

Everything works out in the end because Batman just learned a little something about social justice and community. Although he's still calling Gotham "my city" so maybe he's still a huge selfish billionaire prick.

Batman: Run, Riddler, Run #3 Rating: A. I don't have much memory of reading this book in 1992 but then I read so many comic books that my mind had no chance at containing memories of everything I read. The ones I most remember are the ones I talked about with my friends but that meant we all had to be reading the same books and that didn't happen as much as you'd think. Plus we were so busy playing Warhammer we didn't have time to discuss anything else! But I enjoyed this series so much now that I'm surprised I didn't even remember some guy being eaten by a shark. Maybe I was so young and male that I was all, "Pshaw! Women and minorities fighting for their rights? Haven't we already sorted that out to a point where I don't have to hear about it anymore? Bah! I'm a Nazi now!" No, you know what? I was never that young or male.