Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 (Early February 1993)

This is like trying to watch scrambled porn on '80s cable.

This cover technology is so shit. But what's weird is that I just glanced at Issues #5 and #6 and their pictures read perfectly. Did they improve the concept five months into this little experiment? Or did I just never read Issues #5 and #6 so the cover hasn't shifted at all? It's basically impossible to keep the insert properly aligned so that you can see either picture perfectly without ghosts of the other picture coming through. Perhaps they figured out how to keep the insert aligned by Issue #5? We'll see when I finally unbag it! Anyway, here's the shitty alternate cover:

Weird. This one lined up pretty good totally on accident!

The alternate picture on the alternate cover shows King Snake and Lynx running along confidently before KGBeast sneaks up behind them and clocks King Snake in the head with a Russian tire iron (a potato stuck in a bit of concrete). I guess they were full of bluster and bravado when they mocked KGBeast when he wasn't in the room because they look terrified here (and slightly concussed).

The issue begins with Tim getting caught playing hooky from school by Alfred Pennyworth. "Getting caught" makes it seem like Alfred cares; it's more like Alfred, while putting away some Bat Towels, stumbles upon Tim who was too stupid to hide somewhere other than the Batcave. Alfred tries to help him out by offering to put make-up over the bruises on his face and Tim rips him a new asshole. It makes Alfred very sad.

"Dick used to love my help!"

Poor Alfred probably thought his days of getting shit on by Robin were over thanks to The Joker. But apparently Tim can be as angsty as Jason Todd when everything is going wrong in his life and the girl he though he was going to lose his virginity to has apparently been killed by Russian gang members and his school counselor's accusing Bruce Wayne of diddling him while she also dreams of fucking his dad. And he's been going out at night getting his ass kicked while sporting a huge boner because have you seen how much of The Huntress's ass hangs out of her costume? It was right on the cover! And getting your ass beat while you're sexually aroused will definitely cause psychological problems later in life that he's certainly not going to deal with being that his role model is the most anti-therapy asshat on the planet, Batman.

Alfred doesn't put up enough of a fight for the mood Tim's in so he goes home to try to guilt his wheelchair-bound father.

Normally I'd be on every other side that's against any father at all. But right now, Tim's just being a whiny shit.

If The Huntress really wanted to be a hero, she'd wank Tim off and get him to chill out. But even if she knew how Tim's life was falling apart from all the stress and anxiety he's under (which can be partially cured by an orgasm which is why I suggested the hand manipulation), how is Tim her responsibility? She hardly knows the kid. Bruce Wayne should wank Tim off! Not in a weird, sexual pervy molestation way! In a therapeutic way! For science!

Tim finishes his conversation with his dad in the tried and true teenage way where they scream "You don't me! You don't know anything about me at all!" and run out of the room crying. Tim's dad puts his head in his hands because either he feels like a failure or he's praying to God that his son dies. Probably a fifty-fifty chance he's thinking one of those two thoughts.

Tim's not sure whose life to ruin next so he breaks into The Huntress's apartment hoping that she's in the shower. But she's not home yet so he sits in the dark to wait for her while thinking how hot it would have been if she'd been in the shower.

Also she's on her way home to take a shower.

Chuck Dixon really fucked up the order of things in this story. If David Finch had been writing it, The Huntress would have gotten home and hopped in the shower before Robin arrived so that he could draw her coming out of the bathroom in the smallest towel she owns. It's really about the only good writing decision David Finch ever made with which I agreed. He was smart enough to script at least one woman in a towel scene every issue and while I wasn't a huge fan of his art and very much not a huge fan of his writing, I'd always stand up and applaud when some woman showed up in a towel. Really smart work! Super creative!

Helena isn't too surprised that Robin figured out her identity since he practically brags that he got the Robin gig by figuring out Batman's. But all Helena cares about is Batman and what he's like and does he have a girlfriend and is his ass really that tight or is that just the outfit? Tim ignores her questions while convincing Helena to show him where she found the counterfeit papers being used by the Russians who "killed" Ariana. Tim feels he needs to avenge her death since it seems like the only part of his life he can control at the moment. Also he probably just wants to hang out with a hot woman. I know I'd pretend to care about justice if I could swing around the city with a half-naked woman. And also I were wearing a red Speedo and green tights. I bet that would make my junk look huge! Or would it just make my junk look normal-sized but squashed all funny? I once wore tights in high school when I went to a Halloween party as a Playboy bunny and it was not flattering. Which is why I also wore a tight black knit skirt over my crotch. Nobody wanted to see my smashed junk all night. Except it was a high school party. I bet most of the girls there actually did want to see my squashed junk! Man, I was so stupid!

While Tim and Helena search the room where Huntress found the papers, they're surprised by the Russians who had the room wired for some reason.

The Huntress stole that soda from the mini-bar because she isn't beholden by man's laws! She fights for pure justice!

Tim subdues the Russians but before The Huntress can torture any information out of them, KGBeast crashes through the wall like a barely literate Kool-Aid Man.

"Oh to be yeahing!"

A scuffle ensues which ends in Bane hanging out the window twenty stories above the street while Robin and The Huntress try out Kama Sutra pose #53.

This position's called "So Much of The Farmer's Dick Deep-ends in a Red Wheelbarrow"

The next day at school, Tim avoids his counselor as best he can. I guess he can't skip school twice although he'd like to because now he'll have to explain the bruises on his face and his scratchy voice from being choked out by KGBeast. You know Ms. Hollingsworth will be all, "Why's your voice so gravelly, Tim? Does Bruce Wayne have a thick hog? It's really thick, right? Just massive? I can't help you unless you answer my questions about Bruce Wayne's dick, Tim." So instead of going through that, Tim flees her office through the window and runs home to do some research on the Russians. That's when his dad tells him that he's transferred Tim to an All Boys Private School in Metropolis. Oh no! What'll Tim do?! Superman doesn't need a sidekick! Also Superman has just died so, seriously, forget it, man.

Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #4 Rating: B. King Snake and Lynx weren't even in this issue. Shows how fucking dangerous King Snake really is! What a pathetic jerk. Although KGBeast was in this and he didn't seem too dangerous either. He was beaten by a little boy and an exceedingly attractive woman. That wasn't meant to be patronizing! Those were just cold hard facts and also KGBeast called them exactly that before getting his ass kicked by them. So I don't think either character deserves to be thought of as the most dangerous assassin in the DC Universe. Besides, if Deathstork heard either of them claiming that, he'd have to stop fucking his underage lover and go murder them.