I'm not sure what's supposed to happen when you pull this cover tab slowly but when I do it, The Huntress winds up with three tits. So pretty clever!
And here's the secret cover:
I didn't pull tab this one so I'm just assuming Lynx winds up with three tits too. Maybe four!
Even though this comic book cover looks as generic as possible, has the worst working gimmick I've ever seen, and says "ROBIN" right across the top, 21 year old me still purchased it. And it's not like I had $2.50 just lying around waiting to be wasted on bullshit like this! That would have been almost two full games of Cyberball! I probably purchased it because Huntress has three tits on the cover. I'm sure 21 year old me was all, "Oh! I wonder what this is about! This looks interesting!" And then I walked to the register while hiding my boner with this comic book. Then I probably bought some Magic the Gathering cards to distract from my obviously pornographic purchase only to later jerk off at home to the Earthbind card.
This issue begins with Tim's school counselor angrily demanding he answer her query about Bruce Wayne diddling him. Or, at least, beating on him. She has a really fat belt. That was a style choice at the time, was it? It's not quite "I won the World Wrestling Federation championship" big. But it's close.
This issue begins with Tim's school counselor angrily demanding he answer her query about Bruce Wayne diddling him. Or, at least, beating on him. She has a really fat belt. That was a style choice at the time, was it? It's not quite "I won the World Wrestling Federation championship" big. But it's close.
There's only one bully in this school and her name is Ms. Hollingsworth. Lay off, lady!
To get Ms. Hollingsworth off his back, Tim is going to have to stop getting punched in the face. It might be hard because he's got such a stupid haircut. But with a little training from Batman, he might be able to accomplish it. Or Tim could try to distract her with his father's cock. She seemed really interested in his father's cock in the first issue. She was all, "I hear your father's cock is out of a coma. I'd like to try to put it back into one, if you know what I mean." Then Tim punched himself in the face to try to forget the image that entered his head. It worked but he also forgot that he punched himself in the face so now Batman is going to be arrested for child abuse and suspected pedophilia.
Now Tim has to figure out which senior to pin the bruises on. That's like a whole other subplot in a book that's already full of too many subplots. We've got the Russian girl and her father. We've got Tim wanting to fuck the Russian girl even though she just lost her father and was kidnapped by some other Russians. We've got a counterfeiting ring. There's The Huntress feeling sad that Batman doesn't talk about her. There's Tim's invalid father jealous of Batman. There's Batman trying to control Tim. There's Tim's school counselor being far too interested in Tim's life, especially the father's cock part of his life. There's the China Town gang that suddenly wants to kill Tim. There's KGBeast doing crimes. And now Tim has to frame a senior so Bruce Wayne doesn't get taken down for child endangerment!
Tim doesn't know who to talk to so he just blathers to Harold Allnut, Bruce's mute, autistic, live-in Bat-engineer.
Now Tim has to figure out which senior to pin the bruises on. That's like a whole other subplot in a book that's already full of too many subplots. We've got the Russian girl and her father. We've got Tim wanting to fuck the Russian girl even though she just lost her father and was kidnapped by some other Russians. We've got a counterfeiting ring. There's The Huntress feeling sad that Batman doesn't talk about her. There's Tim's invalid father jealous of Batman. There's Batman trying to control Tim. There's Tim's school counselor being far too interested in Tim's life, especially the father's cock part of his life. There's the China Town gang that suddenly wants to kill Tim. There's KGBeast doing crimes. And now Tim has to frame a senior so Bruce Wayne doesn't get taken down for child endangerment!
Tim doesn't know who to talk to so he just blathers to Harold Allnut, Bruce's mute, autistic, live-in Bat-engineer.
This depiction of Harold feels offensive.
I don't remember: did Harold ever return in The New 52? He probably should have had his own series written by Ann Nocenti. God, sometimes I hunger so badly for another one of her train-wreck series!
Tim's father gets all up in his shit when he gets home because Ms. Hollingsworth called about Tim's troubles. Plus Tim got home late after hanging out in the Batcave so his father gets super jealous of Bruce Wayne again. Tim just yells at his dad like a proper teenager and goes upstairs without any explanation. But he's beginning to crack! He can't hide his Robin secret from his father much longer!
Meanwhile, the leader of the Ghost Dragons proves himself to be one of the most delusional characters in the DC Universe.
Tim's father gets all up in his shit when he gets home because Ms. Hollingsworth called about Tim's troubles. Plus Tim got home late after hanging out in the Batcave so his father gets super jealous of Bruce Wayne again. Tim just yells at his dad like a proper teenager and goes upstairs without any explanation. But he's beginning to crack! He can't hide his Robin secret from his father much longer!
Meanwhile, the leader of the Ghost Dragons proves himself to be one of the most delusional characters in the DC Universe.
Your name is Edmund. Nobody will ever think you're the most dangerous. Alfred is scarier.
If the most knowledgeable and the least knowledgeable fans of the DC Universe can both name about two dozen more dangerous characters than you, you were never even in the running. Hell, the most knowledgeable fan probably wouldn't even remember this guy exists unless they were reminded. "Are you forgetting somebody? Big snake tattoo on his chest. No, not Kobra! His name is Edmund. He's Lynx's boss! Oh, come on! Leader of the Ghost Dragons!" Apparently I believe the most knowledgeable comic book fan is actually pretty stupid.
Robin and Huntress meet up again later that night to do some investigating. Luckily for Robin who was stuck dealing with personal problems all day, The Huntress spent some time in the library. She's got the whole thing figured out already!
Robin and Huntress meet up again later that night to do some investigating. Luckily for Robin who was stuck dealing with personal problems all day, The Huntress spent some time in the library. She's got the whole thing figured out already!
The only thing she got wrong is that the leader's name is The Commie Tsar!
The Huntress has information but no leads. Until an old Russian man wanders up and tells her and her new sidekick everything they need to know. Names. Locations. Activities. I guess that's why Robin dresses in such bright colors. So that he stands out as a vigilante which allows people with information to approach him. This old guy's the only one not fearful of the Russian gang because he's so old he doesn't fear retaliation. He probably hopes for it! But he so hates the bad name these guys give Russians, he doesn't care if they kill him. He just loves Russia so much he's willing to die for it. This old guy loves Russia and his new home and his neighborhood friends. But most of all, he loves San Dimas.
Robin and The Huntress take this old fart's information and attack a bunch of people hanging out in front of the location the man gave them. That seems like solid police work in that police will beat up anybody they suspect of being a criminal no matter how little evidence there is of a crime. A policeman's number one weapon for battling crime is their gut instinct! Just like every other ignoramus in the world, they seem to think gut instincts should be listened to because there's something wise and supernatural about it as opposed to realizing gut instincts are just a dog whistle for systemic racism and cultural bias and prejudicial beliefs which obfuscate actual reality.
But being a comic book, and Huntress and Robin being heroes, I guess I have to assume that they were correct and the guys they just beat the shit out of really were Russian gang members and not a bunch of guys parking their cars to walk to the deli a few stores down the street.
Robin and The Huntress take this old fart's information and attack a bunch of people hanging out in front of the location the man gave them. That seems like solid police work in that police will beat up anybody they suspect of being a criminal no matter how little evidence there is of a crime. A policeman's number one weapon for battling crime is their gut instinct! Just like every other ignoramus in the world, they seem to think gut instincts should be listened to because there's something wise and supernatural about it as opposed to realizing gut instincts are just a dog whistle for systemic racism and cultural bias and prejudicial beliefs which obfuscate actual reality.
But being a comic book, and Huntress and Robin being heroes, I guess I have to assume that they were correct and the guys they just beat the shit out of really were Russian gang members and not a bunch of guys parking their cars to walk to the deli a few stores down the street.
They're about to beat the shit out of Groucho Marx and his security detail!
While Robin chokes out Groucho Marx, he thinks, "I don't recognize any of these guys. But from the way they dress, I know they're new in town." Well then! Case solved! They're obviously Russian gangsters! Maybe this is why Batman doesn't want you running around on the streets by yourself, you stupid piece of shit! Sorry! Sorry! Even though I just mentioned it, I already forgot I was reading a comic book again and not viewing a four-color window on real life! Obviously Tim, being like the smartest character in the DC Universe (until the focus is on somebody else and then they're the smartest character in the DC Universe), knows what he's doing and I should just trust his gut instincts! Plus The Huntress is super hot so who cares if they just killed Groucho Marx, right?
In 1993, I probably would have said this plan sounds gay. But being much more comfortable about the frayed, graying edges of my sexuality in my fifties, this plan sounds fucking hot.
I should also point out that The Huntress saying she's coming right down my throat obviously isn't gay at all but possibly the hottest thing she could say. But when Tim picks up her rallying cry and starts talking about coming right down people's throats, even Batman is going to start questioning his sidekicks enthusiasm for that battle cry. Did Chuck Dixon know Tim was bisexual here? Probably, although in a negative way because it was 1993. He was probably writing Tim and thinking, "Tim is so fucking queer! In the 1993 meaning of queer which, in most regions of the United States, still carried with it negative connotations arising from people's fear of the other and things outside their boring status quo worlds! Although Tim should have been embracing his sexuality and it shouldn't be his bisexuality which caused people to think less of him! It should have been his stupid hair and his smarmy personality. Unless those are common attributes of bisexuals and then maybe I shouldn't have even written this pretend dialogue by me, Chuck Dixon!"
The Huntress and Robin bust up the gambling den which, luckily, actually is a gambling den since they only had one loony old man's word for it.
The Huntress and Robin bust up the gambling den which, luckily, actually is a gambling den since they only had one loony old man's word for it.
The male population of Little Odessa is, apparently, 14.
The Huntress looks like she's moshing in the above panel. She's so adorable! Tim is not adorable but that's probably because I can't stand him. Maybe some people think he's adorable because some people like Tim Drake. Weirdos.
One of the Russians whacks Tim in the face with a pool cue and now Tim can't concentrate on the fight because he knows Ms. Hollingsworth is going to get all up in his shit about Bruce Wayne beating him for resisting the anal finger fucking. You know that's why she thinks Bruce is beating him! Let's not kid ourselves! All Ms. Hollingsworth can think about is anal finger fucking. She's a Ms.! She's for sure horny as hell. I bet by the end of the series, she's fucking Tim's dad.
The Huntress begins to annoy me as well during this fight and I find that too bad because I don't like to be horny and then to begin seeing evidence that my horn has been misplaced. I need more than just a half-naked hot body with luscious hair and a domino mask! I need somebody who doesn't make stupid statements while beating the shit out of people as well!
One of the Russians whacks Tim in the face with a pool cue and now Tim can't concentrate on the fight because he knows Ms. Hollingsworth is going to get all up in his shit about Bruce Wayne beating him for resisting the anal finger fucking. You know that's why she thinks Bruce is beating him! Let's not kid ourselves! All Ms. Hollingsworth can think about is anal finger fucking. She's a Ms.! She's for sure horny as hell. I bet by the end of the series, she's fucking Tim's dad.
The Huntress begins to annoy me as well during this fight and I find that too bad because I don't like to be horny and then to begin seeing evidence that my horn has been misplaced. I need more than just a half-naked hot body with luscious hair and a domino mask! I need somebody who doesn't make stupid statements while beating the shit out of people as well!
You kicked down the door to their gambling establishment and began busting heads! What the fuck do you expect?!
As you can see from the above panel, The Huntress really has perfected her police work. She's a cop in her civilian persona, isn't she?
Tim chases down a guy he recognizes as having helped kidnap Ariana. He smashes the guy's head into a file cabinet and then questions him about the Russian girl. The guy tells Tim that she's dead which Tim finds surprising for some reason. It's not like they watched them kill her father and then left her in the murderer's hands for 24 hours before trying to save her! Tim rushes off to go cry into his pillow at home while The Huntress just, I don't know, wanders off for the night having gotten her thrills beating up on a dozen men? I'm not assuming that's what happened. My supporting evidence is at least half a dozen comic book panels with The Huntress saying things like, "I'm really enjoying this!"
After the heroes leave the chaotic scene, Lynx shows up to get some information from the nearly dead Russians. Or she's just there to tell them that King Snake is more dangerous than KGBeast and that he should never forget that. That'll solve King Snake's most pressing problem of not being thought of as the most dangerous criminal in the DC Universe!
Tim wakes up the next morning for school only to realize he's got another huge bruise on his face that Ms. Hollingsworth won't be able to ignore. At some point, she's going to have to get the police involved. He's obviously being abused and/or sidekicking for a vigilante. Either one of those needs to be investigated.
Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #3 Rating: B-. This comic book contains a little too much real world police work for me. What I mean by "real world police work" is "doing extreme violence to people you suspect are criminals." I'm not a fan of it. But I am a fan of The Huntress getting her rocks off while dressed scantily and beating up hard men. Is that why people think of comic books and their readers as juvenile and immature?! Probably! It's a good thing I'm just pretending to be a comic book fan like that and don't actually jerk off to every panel of The Huntress spread-eagled and beating the shit out of some Russian with a gun while yelling, "I'm coming down your throat, you big tough man!" Ha ha! I love pretending! Oh, and I also don't think Ariana is dead. That was just Tim who thinks that. I bet KGBeast kept her alive when he was supposed to kill her because he figured he could use her as some kind of insurance against the Commie Tsar who keeps treating him like cheese scraped out of the foreskin of a filthy gigolo.
Tim chases down a guy he recognizes as having helped kidnap Ariana. He smashes the guy's head into a file cabinet and then questions him about the Russian girl. The guy tells Tim that she's dead which Tim finds surprising for some reason. It's not like they watched them kill her father and then left her in the murderer's hands for 24 hours before trying to save her! Tim rushes off to go cry into his pillow at home while The Huntress just, I don't know, wanders off for the night having gotten her thrills beating up on a dozen men? I'm not assuming that's what happened. My supporting evidence is at least half a dozen comic book panels with The Huntress saying things like, "I'm really enjoying this!"
After the heroes leave the chaotic scene, Lynx shows up to get some information from the nearly dead Russians. Or she's just there to tell them that King Snake is more dangerous than KGBeast and that he should never forget that. That'll solve King Snake's most pressing problem of not being thought of as the most dangerous criminal in the DC Universe!
Tim wakes up the next morning for school only to realize he's got another huge bruise on his face that Ms. Hollingsworth won't be able to ignore. At some point, she's going to have to get the police involved. He's obviously being abused and/or sidekicking for a vigilante. Either one of those needs to be investigated.
Robin III: Cry of the Huntress #3 Rating: B-. This comic book contains a little too much real world police work for me. What I mean by "real world police work" is "doing extreme violence to people you suspect are criminals." I'm not a fan of it. But I am a fan of The Huntress getting her rocks off while dressed scantily and beating up hard men. Is that why people think of comic books and their readers as juvenile and immature?! Probably! It's a good thing I'm just pretending to be a comic book fan like that and don't actually jerk off to every panel of The Huntress spread-eagled and beating the shit out of some Russian with a gun while yelling, "I'm coming down your throat, you big tough man!" Ha ha! I love pretending! Oh, and I also don't think Ariana is dead. That was just Tim who thinks that. I bet KGBeast kept her alive when he was supposed to kill her because he figured he could use her as some kind of insurance against the Commie Tsar who keeps treating him like cheese scraped out of the foreskin of a filthy gigolo.
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