Bah. Superman would never smash a car like this.
Back in January 1993, Action Comics went woke while also prominently placing the word "MARVEL" on their cover. Did they want to go broke for two reasons? You know, woke and sued by Marvel. Obviously by replacing Superman with Supergirl, DC Comics instantly lost all of their money, their reputation, and every single fan who thinks they understand the word "pandering". Except none of that happened because most people's minds weren't completely rotted and falling apart by being too online, too unlaid, and too Joe Roganed and Andrew Tated. Also if you were upset not just by the death of Superman but by his replacement by a woman and a Black man and a too-cool-for-school kid and a robot, you couldn't just go online and @ the creators with your juvenile take on the world. You had to write a letter and put it in an envelope and purchase a stamp and exit your parent's house by climbing the steps of the basement to go outside and walk to a mailbox and who the fuck has time to do any of that when Ultima IV: Quest for the Avatar needs to replayed for the eighth time? Oh, I'm sure a few rabid fans took up that quest and embarrassed themselves by actually signing their names to a letter published in a future issue of one of the Superman titles while the editor responded in a way that could be translated as "Hey readers! Don't be like this asshole!" Also I don't think the miserable steaming shits who call everything woke would see this as woke because look at how much leg is showing and her tits are massive! They believe "woke" means "anything not pandering to the white, male, heterosexual gaze." Because they're vile, despicable turds. And mostly racist.
This is the photo they went with? Superman's corpse surrounded by free Daily Planet advertising?
According to Jimmy Olsen's snuff Pulitzer, Superman died when Doomsday attempted to rip his head off, stretching his neck to near Ralph Dibny levels.
After Superman's body has been carted off to the city morgue, the leader of Cadmus returns to wave some papers in everybody's faces declaring that he has a right to all alien corpses because he's a pervert with a kink I'm definitely shaming. Come on! You would too! This guy wants to fuck E.T.! This guy and his fascist "science" goons are prepared to murder Turpin, Sawyer, and The Guardian to get their hands on the thicc alien corpses. I don't like The Guardian and I don't even know who Turpin is and I constantly fear Maggie Sawyer will steal my girlfriend so I don't really care if they're all killed by this Impotent John Constantine/Max Lord mash-up of a man. But I do sort of care about Superman's dead butt cherry. I'd hate to see him lose it through non-consensual Cadmus, um, "probing."
After Superman's body has been carted off to the city morgue, the leader of Cadmus returns to wave some papers in everybody's faces declaring that he has a right to all alien corpses because he's a pervert with a kink I'm definitely shaming. Come on! You would too! This guy wants to fuck E.T.! This guy and his fascist "science" goons are prepared to murder Turpin, Sawyer, and The Guardian to get their hands on the thicc alien corpses. I don't like The Guardian and I don't even know who Turpin is and I constantly fear Maggie Sawyer will steal my girlfriend so I don't really care if they're all killed by this Impotent John Constantine/Max Lord mash-up of a man. But I do sort of care about Superman's dead butt cherry. I'd hate to see him lose it through non-consensual Cadmus, um, "probing."
At least The Guardian prepared to have the shit scared out of him today by wearing his costume with the built-in diaper.
Westfield (the Cadmus leader) not only wants Superman's body, he wants to shut down all knowledge of Cadmus taking Superman's body. His men shoot out the satellite on the WLEX van outside, arrest a reporter, and tell the camera man to simply shut off his camera. I don't see how that's going to stop the spread of information so I'm just going to assume that they also killed everybody off-panel immediately after these useless actions. Except that one of the members of the Lex Luthor News Org's crew manages to place a single call to Alexander Luthor to let him know that some mysterious federal organization has shut down all the news agencies from reporting on the mysterious federal organization. And, now that Superman's dead, there's nothing Lex Luthor hates more than a nameless federal organization interfering with his plans. Alexander Luthor failed to send his super soldiers and Supergirl to help Superman (you know, because he hated Superman and created Doomsday to kill Superman) but he does send them out to defeat Westfield and his agents. Although if Lex knew how they were going to desecrate Superman's corpse, he might have let them get away with it.
After the battle, Lex Luthor uses his powerful connections to make sure Cadmus loses its government contract for alien corpse "disposal." Cadmus is ridden out of town by The Guardian and Supergirl while Lex Luthor makes sure his face is plastered all over every television screen in Metropolis declaring that he's going to pay for a massive sepulcher for Superman which will be placed in everybody's favorite Metropolis park, presumably as a memorial but I think it's a threat! "This is what will happen to any of you peons that go against Lex Luthor!"
What follows are a few pages of mourners paying tribute to Superman, Lois crying in an elevator alone, Pa Kent having to talk Lana Lang down from a bridge, Ma Kent wondering why Pa's consoling Lana and not her, some Arabs overly concerned with Supergirl's lack of face covering, and some Japanese reporter teaching me a new word.
After the battle, Lex Luthor uses his powerful connections to make sure Cadmus loses its government contract for alien corpse "disposal." Cadmus is ridden out of town by The Guardian and Supergirl while Lex Luthor makes sure his face is plastered all over every television screen in Metropolis declaring that he's going to pay for a massive sepulcher for Superman which will be placed in everybody's favorite Metropolis park, presumably as a memorial but I think it's a threat! "This is what will happen to any of you peons that go against Lex Luthor!"
What follows are a few pages of mourners paying tribute to Superman, Lois crying in an elevator alone, Pa Kent having to talk Lana Lang down from a bridge, Ma Kent wondering why Pa's consoling Lana and not her, some Arabs overly concerned with Supergirl's lack of face covering, and some Japanese reporter teaching me a new word.
Let's see . . . "tyro" means "a person who follows a pursuit without attaining proficiency or professional status." How fucking rude! I guess "tyro" means "Mary Sue"?
That panel makes it look like that Japanese man is crying over the fact that a woman is taking Superman's place.
I need to confess something that maybe was super obvious from the way it was used in the above caption but I have no idea what a "Mary Sue" is or how it's defined or how one is supposed to recognize one. Is it just an insult saved for female characters that the insulter would have simply preferred had been male? Why isn't there a true equivalent of a "Mary Sue" for male characters? Is it because it's totally understandable if a guy who knows nothing easily learns something but, like, a woman learning something quickly? What a ridiculous concept, right?!
I wonder if 21 year old me felt any emotion while reading this and my capacity for feeling anything has eroded over time? If that's true, I can't even imagine how 21 year old me would have reacted from seeing Pig. I probably would have locked myself in a room for two years and just rocked back and forth while trying to come to terms with "reality." Can a person cry long and hard enough to die from dehydration?
I think the real culprit behind The Case of My Missing Emotions is Dr. I Just Don't Give A Shit About Superman and his accomplice, Madame Do I Even Really Care About Comic Books Anymore?
Later, Alexander Luthor is allowed to view Superman's corpse, side-by-side with Doomsday, in the morgue. Luthor decides to smash a chair over Doomsday in a show of anger that I would have chalked up to Luthor faking a display of outraged emotion so people think he cared about Superman so much that he couldn't help himself from desecrating the corpse of Superman's killer. But thought bubbles were still a fairly regular tool in comic books in 1993 and Luthor's thought bubbles betray my assumption.
I need to confess something that maybe was super obvious from the way it was used in the above caption but I have no idea what a "Mary Sue" is or how it's defined or how one is supposed to recognize one. Is it just an insult saved for female characters that the insulter would have simply preferred had been male? Why isn't there a true equivalent of a "Mary Sue" for male characters? Is it because it's totally understandable if a guy who knows nothing easily learns something but, like, a woman learning something quickly? What a ridiculous concept, right?!
I wonder if 21 year old me felt any emotion while reading this and my capacity for feeling anything has eroded over time? If that's true, I can't even imagine how 21 year old me would have reacted from seeing Pig. I probably would have locked myself in a room for two years and just rocked back and forth while trying to come to terms with "reality." Can a person cry long and hard enough to die from dehydration?
I think the real culprit behind The Case of My Missing Emotions is Dr. I Just Don't Give A Shit About Superman and his accomplice, Madame Do I Even Really Care About Comic Books Anymore?
Later, Alexander Luthor is allowed to view Superman's corpse, side-by-side with Doomsday, in the morgue. Luthor decides to smash a chair over Doomsday in a show of anger that I would have chalked up to Luthor faking a display of outraged emotion so people think he cared about Superman so much that he couldn't help himself from desecrating the corpse of Superman's killer. But thought bubbles were still a fairly regular tool in comic books in 1993 and Luthor's thought bubbles betray my assumption.
Wait. So Luthor isn't behind Doomsday?!
Luthor isn't celebrating Superman's death but a lot of other criminals are. Apparently nobody thinks much of the Metropolis Police because with Superman gone, it's time to go hog wild in the city! One group of criminals rob a jewelry store, run over a cop as they escape, and drive right into Supergirl stood in the middle of the street needing to pee.
Bad luck, chaps!
After a truly imaginative scene where the cops are happy to have a woman do their job for them and even tell her to take care now that Superman's death memento mori'd them into the realm of hyper-existential fear, we get two touching pages of Bibbo being so sad that he resorts to a night of not drinking and prays to God instead. Is rolling your eyes in an exaggerated manner and dramatically stating, "Jesus motherfucking Christ," a sign of being moved by the pathos of this scene? If so, I was really touched by it!
Action Comics #685 Rating: C. This issue was called "Re: Actions" because it was how everybody in Metropolis (and sort of around the world) reacted to the death of Superman. At first I thought, "Oh, that's an interesting title." But then I finished the comic and noticed the letters pages are called "Re: Action" which is when I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Jesus motherfucking Christ." Oh! That doesn't mean you've been moved to tears at all! It means you're irritated beyond words! Anyway, it was all right, I guess. Sometimes I think Superman comic books could use more Bibbo and then they have more Bibbo and I think, "These comics need less Bibbo. I wonder what Space Cabbie is up to?"
Action Comics #685 Rating: C. This issue was called "Re: Actions" because it was how everybody in Metropolis (and sort of around the world) reacted to the death of Superman. At first I thought, "Oh, that's an interesting title." But then I finished the comic and noticed the letters pages are called "Re: Action" which is when I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Jesus motherfucking Christ." Oh! That doesn't mean you've been moved to tears at all! It means you're irritated beyond words! Anyway, it was all right, I guess. Sometimes I think Superman comic books could use more Bibbo and then they have more Bibbo and I think, "These comics need less Bibbo. I wonder what Space Cabbie is up to?"
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