Friday, March 15, 2024

Justice League America #81 (October 1993)

I'm not an artist and even I can tell The Ray's right foot has been ripped from his body.

There's just no way The Ray's right foot can be in that position and still be attached to his leg. Unless, of course, you're an artist who tends to draw overly long legs. That would mean The Ray's knee is much further from his crotch than normal and could bend down to place his foot into that position. I don't know why I'm being so critical of this cover that shows two men scissoring. I should just sit back and enjoy it.

This issue begins with Wonder Woman somehow keeping her shit together even though her leg has grown inordinately long.

I don't know. Is that too long? It's not like I'm an anatomy expert.

I looked up how long a person's leg should be according to their overall height and it seems to be 50% of their height is leg. So measuring Wonder Woman's leg from the heel (and not the toe, perspective adding a full actually drawn foot of height) to the top of her leg, her leg is equal to 150% of her upper body. Way too long! Even if I measure from her heal to her vagina, her leg becomes equal to her vagina to the top of her hair. Closer but, I mean, she's got a ton of hair! But maybe that's how Kevin West measured her? Although taking measurements is work. Just drawing a dynamic lady that feels right and looks hot is way easier and, according to readers in the '90s, apparently exactly what they wanted.

Some people might find it strange that I nailed every single way Kevin West's art was going to be wonky after simply seeing Wonder Woman's face on the cover of the last issue. I suspect those people are nowhere near old enough to remember when this art style swept comic book shops across America. Comic books fans were pulling their dicks out on the carpeted floor over Gen-13 covers and Mary Jane bending over on the cover of Spider-man (with her way too long legs, tiny waist, huge fucking rack, and 13-year old girl face. Fucking comic book nerds. You can't trust them and, trust me, a comic book nerd, I should know).

Captain Atom, standing in the super sweet '90s Image style pose that says either, "I'm falling forward because I have inner ear issues," or "My balls are so fucking sweaty it's beginning to chafe," assures Wonder Woman that he is dead serious about beating the shit out of her to send some space refugees asking for political asylum back where they came from. He totally gets America in 2024.

After describing the pose, I figured you might be interested in seeing it. It's the pose that fooled everybody into calling this style "dynamic."

Because Captain Atom is covered head to toe in shiny, radioactive metal, he gets to be drawn with the 13-year-old girl look. What I noticed last issue, although the women are drawn super clear skinned as they continue to be in this style, the men have yet to be drawn full of lines and a huge fish mouth. The lines show they're masculine and have done loads of yard work and other outside stuff (like, um, doing oil changes in the driveway? What do guys do when they go outside? Aside from catcalling women?). I think the fish is simply because the artists only know how to draw the big pouty lips of a woman and to differentiate between a woman's mouth and a man's mouth, they wind up just flattening out the mouth and making it too wide. Perhaps it's also because men aren't supposed to smile. Smiling is feminine and might get you called gay by a guy who will absolutely smile after he calls you gay while high-fiving all the other guys who suddenly know how to smile.

I don't like bad mouthing my gender but they make it so fucking easy and also I kind of do like bad mouthing my gender after all the fucking shit they gave me in the boys locker room in junior high when I was fat. Assholes. Trying to be as male as possible when you're male is the biggest mental health disorder in America. Calm down, dudes. You'd probably really love Sailor Moon if you gave it a chance! Especially that one where Venus is upset that the Witches aren't trying to take her pure heart and she's all, "Why won't they take it?" And Artemis is all, "Probably because of that thing you do with your electric toothbrush." And Venus is all, *boots Artemis to the moon.* But then when the witch finally does take her heart, instead of collapsing, Venus grabs it and goes running around like fucking Gollum with his Goddamned precious. It's so fucking adorable and it's one of those episodes that explains why none of the scouts are my favorite. They all have such adorable and entertaining moments throughout the series that I could never pick a favorite planet baby.

This is the 3rd scan from the 1st page. I have nothing to say about it except I love her.

That face Wonder Woman is making isn't because Guy Gardner just said, "I'd love to trowel your back garden, babe!", it's because Captain Atom, working for the government, thinks he's in the right. He might be because we don't really know much about Blake and Corbett except that their names are Blake and Corbett and they're kind of indistinguishable from each other. But Captain Atom won't win the "I'm right" argument if his only evidence is that he's with the government. He'd be better off arguing, "I'm in the right because my friends Deathkiller, Gunpistol, and Murderbang's weapons say I am, Wonder Bitch!" Okay, okay. He just lost the argument again by calling Diana "Wonder Bitch." Man, he can't catch a break, this guy.

Apparently Deathkiller, Gunpistol, and Murderbang aren't threatening enough to scare Wonder Woman away, probably because all of their arguments are bullets and Wonder Woman deflects bullets the way I eat Oreos. That analogy makes sense if you've ever seen me eat Oreos.

What this group looks like is my dream orgy.

I love to insult Kevin West's art as much as I can because I'm a hateful prick but even I have to admit he gives great hair on Diana.

Wonder Woman says she doesn't want to fight but will to defend the political space refugees so it's Atom's call if they're going to fight. And Captain Atom, not willing to take responsibility, is all, "So you're not giving them up? Then you've made my call for me!" Then he says his famous battle cry: "Let's get hot." He doesn't even use an exclamation point because that would be seen as emotional and Captain Atom is a man and men don't get emotional except that they do all the fucking time but their main emotion is rage and men don't think that counts as an emotion. That's just being a tough guy! Crying is what makes a person emotional. Pee-yuke! Who would ever cry?! Except maybe if they watched Pig and then welcome to snotty time weepsville, Mr. Macho!

The fight breaks out and immediately everybody uses the worst tactics possible.

Look at this mess! Only one person doing the right thing!

Wonder Woman's the only fighter using her strengths to her advantage. She's super strong and agile so close in and start punching. She's punching a normal human being so Gunpistol's skull has just been exploded but that'll win her the fight. Guy Gardner should be projecting his bubble around Deathkill, I mean Cinder, instead of going on the defensive. Enclose her and she's done! I guess Cinder is doing what she should be doing. Her only really poor tactic is choosing to battle somebody with a power ring. Maxima has mind powers and the ability to manipulate metal which I assume that gun is made of (could be plastic but I doubt it) and she chooses to grapple with him? Deathpistol and Murderbang should have already fired off some shots instead of losing advantage by not shooting any bullets at all while the heroes close on them. And what the fuck are Captain Atom and The Ray doing? I guess they're desperate to get the scissoring going because these two idiots have super powerful long range blasts!

Booster Gold tries to enter the fray and Captain Atom finally remembers he can blast things and does. Booster Gold's suit short circuits, trapping him in Ted Kord's hideous looking death trap.

Guy Gardner decides to sexually harass Cinder instead of defeating her and he pays the price when she uses her suit's "sonics" option. Some other options: cannon, beams, small arms. The military is so imaginative.

"IKEA"? How cute. He must be thinking about Tora.

According to Dan Vado, Guy Gardner can't stop lewdly asking women to fuck him and he's also dying to kill somebody. It's weird because those really weren't attributes of Guy before this. Were they? Pretty sure he loved threatening to beat the shit out of people but he wasn't constantly drooling over killing somebody. And, sure, he's dropped a line or two that could get him in trouble with Human Resources, if the JLA had any. But every line he's said to a woman since Dan Vado has taken over has essentially been, "Let's go fuck, babe."

Gunpistol's actual name is Crater and Murderbang's actual name is, um, Zach? Apparently Crater wasn't too hurt by Wonder Woman and also Wonder Woman ran away from him after punching him. And Maxima ran away from Zach after grappling with him. Because the next time they're all in a scene together, this is happening:

Yeah but why are they incoming? Why did they outgo earlier when they were already incomed?

Captain Atom defeats The Ray while Cinder defeats Guy Gardner. So it's hilarious that Wonder Woman criticizes Atom's team by saying, "They don't operate very well as a team. Our group could learn from their bad example." If your group can't learn from its own bad example, they're never gonna learn, Diana. And immediately after this happens, Maxima flies off on her own to stop Zach and Cinder and winds up blasted into unconsciousness by Captain Atom. Maybe Diana was just helping Maxima to learn.

Blake and Corbett set the self-destruct sequence on Blake and Corbett's ship. Blake and Corbett then try hoofing it across the snow while their ship explodes all over Zach.

See? 13-year-old girl face.

I guess escaping out the service hatch after you've set the self-destruct is an old military trick because that panel was right after Zach told Captain Atom, "I guess they escaped through the service hatch." There's no other evidence that Captain Atom should have panicked so quickly. But there he is. Hearing the word "service hatch" and freaking the fuck out. Maybe he just has some post traumatic stress from the military where somebody did something horrible to his "service hatch."

Captain Atom rescues every member of his team because they were all more terrible than the Justice League. I wonder if Crater is nicknamed Crater because he craters his pants every fight. And Cinder is called Cinder because she cinders her pants every fight. And Zach is called Zach because he always hides the evidence of shitting in his pants after every mission and that's the only way anybody ever gets a nickname in this squad.

I know "cindering" your pants doesn't make sense but why should I care? I just foofled my pants and I'm too distracted to make any sense right now.

The Justice League get away and Captain Atom decides to let them go. He doesn't want to have another battle with his nitwit '90s Image team.

Meanwhile somewhere in the Arctic, Tora's brother kills their father before their father can declare Tora the rightful heir. So boring.

Back at JLA Headquarters, Wonder Woman tries to make the political space refugees at home.

Why isn't Fire wearing any pants? And why is she standing like she just cindered herself?

Guy Gardner and Maxwell Lord don't think Wonder Woman should be providing asylum to these guys. But isn't political asylum a moment to make sure people are safe before learning the truth of the situation? Aren't we supposed to care about other people and give them the benefit of the doubt, especially when we know how terrible people in power can treat their subjects? These guys may be alien space murderers. But what's the harm in protecting them from the unknown threat of the space fish police while they sort that out? Seems like the right thing to do. Which is basically the name of this story: "Do the Right Thing." Catchy title, right?

Bill Clinton even gets on the act, threatening the Justice League with harsh laws that could restrain super hero activity in the United States if they don't buckle and give up Blake and Corbett. I mean Corbett and Blake. For some reason, everybody decided their names should be said that way around this issue. Max is all, "We have to give them up. It's the law!" And Wonder Woman is all, "Fuck the law. I am the law here!" Then she head bangs for three minutes straight and says something about truth trumping laws. Max does not continue to argue by singing, "But what is truth? Is truth unchanging law? We both have truths. Are mine the same as yours?"

Captain Atom arrives with his noobs and Max tries to talk him out of destroying the building. While they're negotiating, the space fish police move their ship over the building. It's a very big ship. Huge. Massive. A space fish policeman once came up to me, tears streaming down his face, and he said, "Sir, you've never seen a ship this big. Just the most terrific ship." Anyways, Max sees the ship and what do you know? Massive cinder.

Justice League America #81 Rating: B+. Pretty decent space political conflict happening in this one. Nobody knows what's the right way to act in this situation. Except for Dan Vado who is going to write the ending and then everybody can decide who was right based on how Dan finishes the story. Except obviously Wonder Woman is right in this situation. Everybody is using threats and violence to get what they want. All she is doing is saying, "Calm the fuck down. Let's take a breath and see what's what." And why doesn't that happen? Because the space fish police don't want them knowing what the truth is. So they twist Bill Clinton's arm and he's all, "I don't want to get blown up. So who cares what the truth is, return those people who might be innocent victims. No skin off my back." And Captain Atom is all, "Just following orders! I could get fired if I don't kill Corbett and Blake!" And Zach, Crater, and Cinder are all, "Um, yes, sir! Ditto, sir!" And Max Lord is all, "I don't want our building ruined again so who cares if these guys are taken back to space fish prison and shot in the head? Just get them out of here!" But Wonder Woman doesn't have a personal agenda. Hell, she's not even on the side of Corbett and Blake. She's just willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and get to the bottom of the situation. Exactly what fucking asylum is for. Not that anybody would know that in 2024. They barely knew it back in 1993!

Wait! I just realized what Wonder Woman's personal agenda might be! Didn't she fuck Steve Trevor because she gave him asylum on Paradise Island when everybody else wanted to immediately cut his dick off? I mean, she at least got to fuck him because somebody gave him asylum. So she might be thinking with her pussy! It might be subconsciously but Wonder Woman's pussy is all, "Hey hey ladies!" (The ladies her pussy is talking to our her boobs.) "I'm getting all engorged here because the last time we heard the word 'asylum' this much, we ended up getting some spectacular dick all up in us! This time we got two to choose from! Or why choose, right, Ms. Flowers?" (Ms. Flowers is Diana's butthole.) So there you have it! Wonder Woman might not care about truth as much as she wants everybody to believe! She's just super horny!

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