Cerebus #10

The return of Cerebus refusing to have sex!

I just became really disturbed by the realization that the first time Cerebus has sex in this comic book is when he rapes Astoria. Am I remembering that correctly? And just to be clear: I'm disturbed the rape and not the beastiality. Cerebus may be an aardvark but everything about him is human. If I knew a lady cat who was as human as Cerebus, I'm pretty sure I'd be interested. Also, that would never happen so don't think I'm out here wanting to have sex with cats. I'm just pointing out how a cat shaped mostly like a lady who didn't wear any pants would probably be super sexy! Stop trying to portray me as a pervert! If you don't sometimes imagine yourself in fictional settings trying to pretend they're real thinking about what you would do and how you would act, I don't know how you spend 85% of your time!

In "A Note from the Publisher," Deni suggests the reader just read the comic book already. That seems like really good advice seeing as how her "A Note from the Publisher" has been increasing in its uselessness issue after issue. I suppose she does give people notice about conventions at which Dave will be appearing. It's just not so helpful in 2020.

Dave Sim admitting to using specious reasoning. We'll use this as evidence to attack all of his ultra-logical and super-duper rational essays in future issues.

I know what you're thinking: "It's unfair to use something Dave Sim said about his reasons for bringing back his sexiest character when he's just being honest! Maybe it's better to use this as an example of how honest Dave Sim is!" Or maybe you weren't thinking that and I was just thinking, "What will people on the Internet earnestly be upset about by my joke caption?" The Internet has rotted my brain until all I see is antagonism around every corner! The real point is Dave Sim is being honest about the reasons here. That doesn't mean later he'll be honest about his reasons behind any particular essay nor does it mean I should use his possible penchant for specious reasons against him! But, I mean, it could be funny if I did! I'll have to assess the entire situation again when I get to Issue #186.

Dave also comments on this being the last time Red Sophia would make an appearance (at least at the time of his essay. Does she ever appear again at all? I don't remember! Maybe during those moments when The Judge or Dave are explaining all the weird stuff that manifests in Cerebus' vicinity. She was probably one of those things) because Dave agreed with everybody else that Red Sonja was a terribly problematic character. Also, she was just kind of Elrod with tits. And Elrod didn't have the whole "I will only sleep with a man who can overpower me!" rape vibe. Dave also reminded me that Wendy Pini was popular on the convention circuit for her portrayal of Red Sonja. I don't think I'd remembered that fact post-Internet so now I can actually see what that looked like!

I'd give credit to the photographer but, you know, the Internet.

Comic book creators I've had conversations with even if they were incredibly short and nobody was dressed like Red Sonja: Wendy and Richard Pini, Dave Sim, Terry Moore, Gail Simone (and her husband), and Scott Lobdell. I really don't remember much of any of them except for when Gail Simone's husband began telling me how my negative comic book reviews about Scott Lobdell were pretty much spot on and Gail Simone looked at him like she was trying to tear his vocal cords out with her mind. Anyway, half of them have some kind of tie to Red Sonja is the point. Maybe more if we include Richard Pini since he did the lighting or something on Wendy Pini and Frank Thorne's Red Sonja convention play. You see, he worked at a planetarium so light shows were his specialty!

That must be some merchant to deserve an exclamation point just for mentioning his occupation and place of residence.

The story begins some time after Cerebus left Imesh. His ribs aren't quite healed and he's been wandering through a blizzard for a week. He's running out of food and doesn't have any pants. He probably won't last another day without sustenance when he runs into Red Sophia. She also doesn't have any pants but she does have a rabbit for dinner. Also, not having any pants doesn't seem to bother her. An elegant fur shawl is all she needs. Probably because she's an imaginary creation of Cerebus's mind and mystic aardvark powers. She probably only materializes when he's horny. Not so Cerebus can get laid but so Cerebus can get so annoyed that he stops being horny. I'm sure Elrod materializes for some other reason, like maybe Cerebus is getting too proud of himself and he needs to be humbled a bit by constantly getting talked down to.

Cerebus wants to ditch Red Sophia even though it means he will probably die. But then she mentions an intact Black Blossom Lotus and Cerebus decides he should probably listen to what Red Sophia has to say. In other words, the Black Blossom Lotus is either a priceless treasure or a keg of whisky.

Okay, so it's a priceless treasure. But Cerebus will probably sell it for a keg of whisky.

The size of the above picture is about 150 pixels too big for my blog but it was too hard to read at a proper size. Also it might still be too hard to read at this size. It's just some dumb history of the Black Blossom Lotus to make it seem more mysterious and valuable.

Red Sophia will only reveal what she knows about the Black Blossom Notice if Cerebus lets her rub her body all over him. Cerebus doesn't fall for her temptation so she tries a more direct tactic which leads to one of Sim's classic jokes.

Was Dave Sim the first person to make "lady armor built for tits and ass and male gazes is idiotic" comments? Probably not but maybe the first in such a prominent place.

The third party in their heist is the son of the jeweler who prized the Black Blossom Lotus. When he died, it was auctioned off before the son realized what it was. Now he wants it back and Sophia promised him sex if he allows her to help steal it for a part of the share. Or something. I don't know. You'd think he'd let her help for part of the share and she wouldn't have to offer him sex at all. It's not like he's doing her a favor letting her steal the Lotus!

I wonder if this is where Richard Garfield got the idea of the Black Lotus. It truly is a valuable item!

Miergen (the jeweler's son) and Cerebus head off to scout the merchant's caravan. While surveying the scene, one of the guards, a twenty year Tcapmin border guard veteran (which impresses even Cerebus so it must mean something) catches them and aims his crossbow at them. Cerebus seems to respect the crossbow as a deadly weapon that even he can't magically defeat. It's not as good as a catapult and I suppose you only get one shot with it but it's better than a short sword when there's twenty feet between the two. Miergen, a total coward, whispers his new plan to Cerebus: blame it all on Red Sophia! Red Sophia has ears as big as her tits so she hears his treachery. This causes her to immediately shout to th Tcapmin that they're planning on stealing the Lotus. But she also offers to cut him in for ten gold pieces.

Wow. Ten whole gold pieces! I guess the economy of Cerebus' world isn't anything like the Dungeons & Dragons economy. I wonder if "gold pieces" are different from "gold crowns"? At first, you'd think they must be the same. But a gold crown is probably like a fifty pence coin and a gold coin is like, well, you know, gold! Like a doubloon! Anyway, the guard is currently only being paid eight copper coins (so I guess maybe the economy isn't that much different from Dungeons & Dragons). He agrees to help them steal the Black Blossom Lotus.

Shouldn't it be the Black Lotus Blossom? Typing it the other way around is really beginning to annoy me.

This brings up a good point: what did Wendy Pini do with her chainmail bikini?

The plan is to destroy a bridge as the merchant's caravan crosses it. So the group head out to find a bridge. But before that happens, the Tcapmin gets horny and decides part of his payment should be sex with Red Sophia. He asks if Cerebus or Miergen have a problem with it. He doesn't ask if Red Sophia has a problem with it because he's a man. I mean, because he's a man in a sword and sorcery fantasy world where women are no different than 10 gold pieces or a Black Blossom Lotus. They're just another thing to be won or stolen or rubbed against your genitals. Anyway, we all know that if he can beat Red Sophia in combat, she'll agree to the deal. It's not because she's been psychologically traumatized by events in her youth; it's just that the character she was based on, Red Sonja, was poorly written.

Miergen decides to defend Red Sophia which leads to some more classic Dave Sim humor.

Dave Sim sums up his work best in the essay at the beginning of this issue when he explains that he's a writer who draws and not an artist who writes. Although he draws quite well. Eventually, he's simply both and doing both jobs incredibly well.

Red Sophia has willingly given herself to the Tcapmin. He didn't have to beat her in battle but everybody knows he can beat them all in battle (and he just proved it to Miergen) so I guess that's as good as beating the shit out of her. Cerebus decides to leave the group at the base of the bridge and comes up with some nonsense for why he's got to go off on his own. None of them sense a double cross because they're all narcissists who think they're in control (aside from Miergen who is too busy trying to keep his insides from falling out of his sphincter).

Cerebus runs into the merchant's caravan pretending to be the Tcapmin guard transformed by sorcerers. He sends them off to the bridge while he remains to guard the camp. After they're gone, he robs the merchant and wanders off to drink the profits of his eventual sale of the Black Blossom Lotus. Maybe Red Sophia was murdered by the Tcapmin guards and that's why she never returns. Or maybe she just lived happily ever after with Throgo?

Tim A. Cooper did The Single Page this issue and I quite liked it!

I was a little bored by this until the last panel and then I thought, "Sublime! Superb! Well done!"

Cerebus #10 Rating: A. Any comic book that puts two different jokes into my head to stick there for the rest of my life probably deserves an A rating (the tits that would heal and the "What I have to do is..." "Get your face punched?" bit). Dave Sim explains how much more free his art and writing has begun to take off in this and the previous couple of issues now that he allowed himself to stop treating Cerebus as a Frank Thorne sword and sorcery parody. It's becoming its own thing and Sim's art and writing are truly starting to shine. An amazing feat to pull off in ten issues. Although Elfquest had to do it immediately because by ten issues, the story was half over! I'm not saying Elfquest was better than Cerebus even though it was. I was just pointing out that maybe ten issues wasn't as amazing a feat as I first thought it was. I really like to doubt my declarations. It makes for a humble wreck of a person.