Green Lantern #21

Fascist bully boys.

I haven't said much about this whole NSA spying on everybody thing. I think my regular readers probably know where I stand on the issue. Transparency is always better when it comes to government actions. The people in Congress for this shit would probably tell us that if we're not doing something wrong then we have nothing to worry about. Well, same to you, Congress. If you're not doing anything wrong then don't fucking worry about transparency. If you're scared of whistleblowers, I have a feeling you have something to hide yourself. And the fucking media! You know why they want to paint whistleblowers as treasonous bastards? Because the whistleblowers are actually doing the job the media is supposed to be doing! Fucking dicks.

Here's how we, as a citizenry, can protest the NSA spying on our emails and phone calls. Everybody just start peppering your conversations with the word "bomb." Say it as often as you can. In fact, let's make it the new cool or amazing or awesome! Oh wait. It already had its time when everything was the bomb. Anyway, bring it back! Bomb this and bomb that! I've begun saying how much I love the NSA and how often I masturbate thinking about them watching me. It's literally the bomb.

I suppose there is transparency in government. It's transparent they're only interested in lining their pockets with lobbyist money!

Okay, time for a new era in Green Lantern. I hear it's literally the bomb!

Before I begin the reason you're probably reading this blog entry for, can we just discuss the elephant on the front cover? The inker's name is Dick Friend.

Green Lantern beginning his new career as an insensitive bastard.

Hal Jordan's new persona consists of 77% military sergeant and 22% boring asshole and 1% miscellaneous perversions. That's a huge improvement on his old persona which consisted of 98% boring asshole and 2% other reasons he's boring. I'm particularly interested in the miscellaneous perversions!

The Green Lantern Corps, led by Hal Jordan, are making a defensive stand on Oa. What is attacking them? Why are their batteries out of juice and their rings' power dwindling? Don't fucking ask me! This comic went all in media res on my ass!

For those of you that don't know whatever language "in media res" is from, it means, "To become startled, thus dropping the arm of the record player down in the middle of the record."

Hal Jordan leads a small group of Lanterns to the Central Battery to recharge everything only to find the Central Battery is completely dead! Didn't anybody think to ask the Guardians how they keep the main battery charged before Sinestro killed them? Idiots.

This is the thing they're fighting. There are probably more than one.

I'm pretty sure after the dreaded realization that the main power battery is kaput, the story will shift to 24 hours earlier. That's just Introduction to Comic Book Writing 501 (It's a master's program introductory course).

Except Robert Venditti is being all post-posty and the previous scene was labeled "soon" so when I turn the page, the next scene is labeled "now." That's just fancy pants talk for "24 hours earlier." Sheesh, Mr. Robert Venditti! You get yourself a fancy degree in typing and you think you're all Mr. High and Mighty Wordsmith! I refuse to enjoy your comic book until you start patronizing me like Ann Nocenti's bunny rabbits.

Twenty four hours earlier on Earth (of course on Earth because that's the only place where "24 hours" means anything! I mean, besides the other infinite amount of planets that will inevitably have a 24 hour day. I did the math which was easy because if there are an infinite amount of things then the number of things in that group that are a certain way is always an infinite number as well. It's simple math!), Carol Ferris is giving Hal Jordan the Cold Shoulder. That's not a sex move. In fact, it's the antithesis of a sex move! It's an abstinence move. Now I'm wondering where the saying "cold shoulder" came from. I'm never going to finish reading this comic book with this ever-present internet connection. I'll let you know, instantly, what I find!

Wikipedia the Mediocre tells me the phrase was first seen in print in Walter Scott's The Antiquary: "Ye may mind that the Countess’s dislike did na gang farther at first than just shewing o’ the cauld shouther—at least it wasna seen fartha; but at the lang run it brak out into such downright violence that Miss Neville was even fain to seek refuge at Knockwinnock castle with Sir Arthur's leddy, wha (God sain her) was then wi' the living." I think this guy's typewriter was a bit wonky. But mostly Wikipedia the Mediocre says that nobody quite knows what the fucking phrase means because people have reverse engineered what it could possibly mean which means they've pissed in the etymology pool. Fuckers.

Oh how convenient! I wish I had a magic ring I could program to call me away during awkward conversations.

Let me get serious for a second. This break-up has been a long time coming. Hal Jordan doesn't give a shit about Carol! He's only been in love with her loving his being a Green Lantern. He's in love with someone knowing that he's Green Lantern and that he saves the universe! He needs someone to know that he's special and powerful and a hero. That's pretty much the only role she plays.

Unless I'm completely wrong since I really haven't read many Hal Jordan comics over the years because I hate him.

Hal Jordan was called away from Carol's break-up to see Kyle Rayner and the Bohemian Guardians of the Universe as they sort through the evidence vault on Oa. The Bohemian Guardians want to make Hal Jordan the leader of the Green Lantern Corps. But Hal and Kyle both seem to think it's a bad idea. But the Bohemian Guardians have a crazy electric Kool-aid infused cosmic road trip to get started on, so they need someone in control. That someone is Hal Jordan even though he doesn't seem very pleased about it.

Hal's first act is to let all of the extra Green Lantern rings fly off to find fingers. Or tentacles. Or protruding sex organs. His second act is to defend the planet against Larfleeze and the Orange Lantern Corps' invasion.

I should read the Agent Orange trade paperback just to see why in the universe this Lantern Corps was fucking needed.

The Green Lantern Corps rush to the skies to protect Oa against the best Lantern in the universe, Larfleeze. Well, he's better than Hal Jordan anyway. I don't mean better in the skills with the ring category or willpower. I mean he's written better. Sure, he's a shallow selfish, self-serving monster that could not care less about anybody else. But Hal Jordan is just a shallow selfish, self-serving human that could not care less about anybody else. In other words, I think Larfleeze is better looking than Hal.

Meanwhile in the sciencells where all of the Green Lantern's captured criminals are imprisoned, Venditti is plagiarizing Saga.

I know! I know! This is a common trope! I just wanted to mention that I'm reading Saga and that it's great.

During the Volthoom finale, I kept expecting Larfleeze to show up and help since I believed the Lanterns were going to need all of the spectrums to help defeat him. I guess Larfleeze was just a little late to the fight. On purpose. So he could steal all of the Guardians treasures. He's a brilliant general, you see.

While fighting Larfleeze and the Orange Lantern Corps, some of Hal Jordan's new recruits show up.

They're a little underwhelming.

I don't think they're underwhelming! They were chosen by the rings for a reason. That means they have the ability to overcome great fear. But Hal Jordan was hoping for a "space grizzly" or "an alien T. Rex." So, as Sinestro has pointed out time and time again, Hal Jordan treats the ring as if it's an accessory to the wearer's abilities. The ring is the most powerful weapon in the universe! It chooses people capable of utilizing it to its fullest potential! So why would a wearer have to be a formidable looking creature? Hal Jordan, you're a shallow twat.

Green Lantern #21 Rating: +2 Rating. Sweet Jesus Christ Fish and Loaves Delivery Service! Finally an issue of Green Lantern that isn't dealing with a cosmic crisis! Just a little trouble on Oa keeping the Corps together after the last cosmic crisis! It feels like an old school Green Lantern book. Hal Jordan in charge. Kilowog backing him up. The Guardians tripping their asses off somewhere else like good hands-off omniscient beings. I'm disappointed G'nort wasn't in it but maybe he'll become a regular in Green Lantern Corps. This issue actually feels like the first issue of the Rebooted Green Lantern.