Constantine #4

Yay! A Father's Day issue!

Happy Father's Day, all you suckers! This is the day I don't call my father because why the fuck didn't he ever call me when I was growing up? I actually think that's pretty close to the line I used that drove my father off of Facebook for good. He never really liked Facebook anyway because he's old and paranoid. But then one Father's Day, he had a status update hinting about how he was waiting around for a phone call. So I responded how familiar that feeling was. He became serious and apologetic and weepy. I told him to calm the fuck down and what did you expect from a no-good smart ass kid that basically has the same personality that he had? Cat's in the Cradle much? But I think the public airing of a part of his life he's not proud of pushed him over the edge and he abandoned Facebook.

Sure, that story makes me sound cruel, especially to people who really love their fathers. But waiting around for your father to call or visit for fifteen years plants a bitter little seed in your heart that you don't even know is there until it blossoms into a righteous Oedipal vengeance and strikes in the most opportune time! That opportune time was of course a stupid Facebook status update.

My dad would hate this blog! Happy Father's Day, everybody!

Moving on to Papa Midnite, I'm going to guess he was a priest in the Catholic Church who was excommunicated. So he began his own traveling church slash biker gang and he goes from town to town bringing the love of God's dogma down on the heads of stupidly innocent backwater Jesus lovers. Because Catholics put dogma over Jesus. It makes sense. If you want to become the richest and most powerful people in the world, you can't tell everyone to just follow Jesus. That's silly and allows for too much free will and freedom of interpretation about how to live ones own life! No, you need to set down some serious concrete rules that must be followed or else HELL AND DAMNATION, YOU FUCKING BLASPHEMERS!

Also, I have a pretty good feeling Papa Midnite is actually a practitioner of Voodoo. I just wanted to avoid getting cliche in my mouth first thing in the morning.

The issue begins with Constantine attending one of Papa Midnite's Holy Midnight Massacres.

First rule of Voodoo School: Never forget your machete!

Papa Midnite runs the Voodoo themed gang in New York's rich and storied gang world. That's kind of close to a Catholic themed biker gang! Constantine stole something from Papa Midnite and now John must pay. But since John seems to have found himself in a situation where he has no power, I have to assume John has all the power. He's the master of the power reversal. The greatest trick Constantine pulls is making everybody forget that he's the master of the power reversal. He just acts like he's about to lose, casually smokes a cigarette, says some charming shit, and suddenly he's the winner! Then everybody else stands around thinking, "How did he do that?!" Well, that's probably what they would be thinking if they weren't thinking, "I can't believe all of those guts used to fit into my taut and sexy belly!"

So three hours earlier, John was hanging out in the pet store over his apartment and shooting the shit with Dotty. Dotty's husband George always thought of John as a son because John helped him and Dotty out when nobody else would. How sweet! I'm sure John had no selfish motive in helping Dotty and her husband at all! And I'm sure Dotty's husband George's death had nothing to do with John at all! Dotty offers John a piece of advice: hang out with your friends more!

Oh Dotty, you cruel bitch. Now I'm sure John had something to do with George's death and this is Dotty acting like an innocent old woman but purposefully twisting a knife in John's heart. I think I might be too cynical.

John heads out for a leisurely walk and ends up beaten and bloody in front of Papa Midnite. As was seen earlier, John seems to have stolen something from Papa Midnite. I bet it was one of his zombies.

Nope, not a zombie. That wasn't my real guess anyway! You can't say I was wrong when I was only joking! What John stole was a Sounding Skull (you all know what that is, right? Sheesh. Play more Dungeons and Dragons, why don't you!) because John's business since he left Hellblazer is saving the world. And I suppose the Skull was too powerful for Papa Midnite to use without severe consequences. John feels like he was saving Papa's life and Papa probably owes John a thank you. But Papa probably thinks John owes him a Sounding Skull. But now that the comic book has caught up to the first page, we get to see how John has been in control the entire time.

This is where I'd scan in a picture of John's "turnabout charm" kicking in which causes the thugs who beat him earlier to be beaten themselves. But the scene plays out across two pages and neither page worked very well without a bit from the other page so instead I'm just going to say this: John walks away unscathed and hoping to meet with Papa Midnite at a later time to discuss the Cult of the Cold Flame. Meanwhile, John has a nice day to enjoy with his friends.

This is the scan where most bloggers would say something sexist and derogatory about Zatanna's physical beauty but I'm above that and I never, ever have inappropriate sexual thoughts about strangers I pass on the street.

Zatanna is looking online for spoilers to Trinity War but she tells John all she's getting are vague concepts like somebody's going to die and it's going to trigger a war and superheroes are involved and John argues with Batman and John shakes hands with Lex Luthor. Fuck. I think my dictionary has a misprint because its definition of vague doesn't match Zatanna's use here at all.

John warns Zatanna about Sargon's daughter Sargon since they used to be good friends. And then Zatanna chooses not to fuck Constantine and kicks him the hell out of her apartment. John hits the streets again and finally confronts the guy who's been following him all issue.

I'm pretty sure it said, "Click click."

John sends the thug on his way when the gun doesn't fire and heads back home to have a parrot tell him, "Tomorrow it begins--fifty million deaths after light fails--like John like John--". I guess the stupid Trinity War is about to Prelude all over itself in Pandora #1! I don't know who is going to die to begin the whole thing though. I don't think Catwoman's fake-out death counts.

Constantine #4 Rating: +1 Ranking. Constantine is a sad man with great sadness. But he's doing what needs to be done and he seems to be getting by doing it. And he loves magic and power too much to not endure the loneliness and sadness the magic brings to his life. He gave up London willingly to pursue it just as Zatanna, it seems, has had to give up music due to her dealings with it. And even though Papa Midnite didn't really play much of a role in this issue, I have a feeling he'll be around a lot more over the life of this comic.