Catwoman #21

I must not be the typical comic book fan if looking at this picture merely makes me think, "I wonder what fucking farmyard animal I'm going to have to draw for this commentary's Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm?"

Maybe I should write like a normal comic book reviewer? They all seem to have columns on well-respected comic book news blogs and I'm just over here in my dark, moist corner of the internet being looked down on by Google Ads. Fuck you, Google Ads! I didn't want your shitty revenue anyway! You can take a big fat cock right up your clean shaven ass and/or cunt and/or other orifice (most probably around the face area) depending on your gender and the way in which you don't like taking cock! And if you love taking cock in all of those ways then I hope you do something else that you really don't like! I bet stubbing your toe is a good suggestion! Nobody can like stubbing their toe, right?!

Hmm, maybe it's rants like those that caused Google Ads to judge and despise me? Maybe its spewing that kind of vile garbage that has kept me from excelling at my job? Maybe the lack of contact with any family isn't the fault of those fucking mooching bastard family members?

Could I be the problem?

Maybe I should practice writing normal comic book reviews! But first I should read a few to get a feel for them. I'm going to read some reviews of Catwoman Annual #1 now!

**TIME PASSES**

Ugh! I thought reading Nocenti was bad! If I have to wade through another cat and/or bird pun again, then I'll...well, I never really have an answer for this kind of set-up. Why don't I just begin with "I hope I never..."? But no! I have to set up an if-then statement and completely fail to come up with a then half!

Not that all the other reviews were bad. One (which I won't be linking to because it's the competition! Sheesh. You think I'm a schmuck?) was actually decent. What I mainly learned was nearly everybody despises Ann Nocenti's run on Catwoman. But if that's true, why is it still happening? Maybe it'll get better with this issue! I'm going to try really hard to like it!

The issue begins with The Penguin's war on the Badlands having been escalated to a small war. An Umbrellacopter is raining bullets and missiles down on all of the Rat-Tales (Woo--oh shut up) and Selina is trying to help out. Or save her own life. Uh oh. I know I'm in trouble when I'm already apathetic about the reasons for what's going on and I'm only on page three.

Oh, she feels guilty for having set this shit-storm in motion. Also, Joe Pazzo was possed! Who Edits the Editors?!

See those catapults? Catwoman is an expert with them! Of course she is! Duh! She's also probably an expert at catering and inserting catheters! Oh shit, am I making Cat Puns? I'm glad I never committed to what I'd do if I had to wade through any more! But it isn't my fault! It's not like I thought, "You know what would make an entertaining and witty review? If I made cat puns throughout the comic book!" No, no. The comic book made the pun itself!

She must have played a lot of Artillery on her Apple IIe.

In a coincidence so grand it would be labeled as not a coincidence and thus Proof of God, the man named Volt lands in the water on an electric fishing line and gains electric person super powers. It's fate! Destiny! Intelligent Design! Contrivance!

Wasn't there already a female character named Volt in an earlier Catwoman comic under Judd Winick? Oh no. That was Reach although she did have electric powers! And then there was the male character named Spark who had electric powers. What the fuck is up with Catwoman and characters with electric powers? I guess they rub her the wrong way!

Later there's a scene so we can see The Penguin's ladies in their underwear. It's fairly...what's that? Oh, okay.

I'd feel less pervy scanning this in if I at least knew the character's name!

Next is a scene at the morgue where Mayor Hady is telling Detective Bullock to sit this one out. He wants the gang members to kill themselves. What he's most curious is who's winning the war so he, obviously, consults the coroner. "Coroner Bill" (I guess that's his super hero name) makes a quick count of people in tuxedos versus people with crappy hair cuts and determines that the Rat-Tails are winning. He must have other facts at his disposal as well like how many Rat-Tails there are and how many men The Penguin sent in to fight and how many bodies are just innocent victims. I really have no clue why Mayor Hady needs to know who's winning though. Perhaps he doesn't want The Penguin to lose and he'll send the police in if The Penguin seems to be losing. Which he is. Because he doesn't have Catwoman on his side.

Back in The Penguin's lair, The Penguin wants to know why he's losing. Lark, his second in command, tells him it's because the Rat-tails know their turf too well. Her suggestion is to move the war to neutral territory. Well, that's a stupid fucking idea. Why don't you begin bombing an area of Gotham where the Rat-tails don't live? Then they'll move over there to be bombed and they'll lose! Why don't you think before you speak, Lark? Why would the Rat-tails leave their turf to fight the war somewhere else when they're not actually interested in fighting anyway? They just want to stop being bombed!

As bombs are falling and people are dying and newspapers are running off extra after extra (by the hour, I think!), there's still time to take a break and reminisce about our youth.

Back in the late 70s and early 80s before Recycling was a huge deal and before society really began cracking down on underage drinking, the trees lining the field of the local junior high near my house used to be filled with bags of empty beer bottles. My cousin and I would walk along the border between the trees. We'd find a bottle to be our champion, sometimes choosing by color, sometimes by label, and sometimes just thinking a 40 ouncer would be unbeatable, and we'd kick them as we walked along. We'd try to smash the other guy's bottle by hitting their bottle broadside with the neck of our bottle. We probably left thousands of shards of glass all over Wilson Junior High. Sorry for everybody who was lacerated because of us!

Back to the war, The Penguin is tired of his soldiers being killed so he decides to load up in an Umbrellacopter and go after Catwoman himself. Actually, he decides to fly near her and tell her he's going to kill everybody she cares about. Well wasn't that what was fucking going on already? Well, if it wasn't, it's going on now! The Penguin has heard a rumor that maybe Catwoman is friends with King Rat-tail, so The Penguin arrives to blow a hole in the ground which King Rat-tail disappears into. Amazing how The Penguin's rain of bombs does nothing but now that The Penguin is here to aim and fire just one missile, he takes out King Rat-tail. Now he's hurt Catwoman's feelings and defeated the leader of the Rat-tails! Two birds with one stone!

The Penguin also threatens to kill anybody else Catwoman ever gets close to. Good luck! How about starting with Batman?

Catwoman #21 Rating: No change. I suppose now that Rat-tail fell underground, Catwoman is going to have to visit the little goblin's kingdom! Oh, it'll be a grand adventure! Also, I didn't like this comic book but it wasn't so terrible as other Catwoman comic books. It just wasn't any good. And it wasn't interesting. It was just pages with pictures on them. You can probably tell I lost interest fairly quickly. Probably right about the time I said I was losing interest!