Stormwatch #4

The giant alien continues to absorb everything around it. Except Midnighter because he's Batman Lite. And also it doesn't absorb Apollo who just crashed into the field nearby. What a stroke of luck that he fell from orbit to land at the site of the battle!

I have a question! Does this alien absorb everything around it because it absorbed a goat when it first arrived? Okay, that's putting the goat before the horse. Perhaps the creature absorbs other creatures and their powers and since it ate a goat on the farm, now it can't help but eat everything with which it comes into contact. That's my guess because Midnighter distracts it by making it eat a barn and why would the moon creature need to absorb a barn if it didn't have to? I think it's compelled to eat the barn because it absorbed that goat! That goat died a hero!

Also, the creature has ingested Stormwatch but it needs to keep them alive to use their powers. Which means the goat is probably still alive too! I hope that bitch replicant Rachel doesn't get her hands on it!

This is a drawing of the scene I found online. It was done by Mark G. Taber. Inkjet prints of this image in a variety of sizes are available direct from Artslant.

Fuck you! I can reference Do Andoids Dream of Electric Sheep any time I Goddamn please!I think I already mentioned the empathy boxes in a past post. Maybe Superboy? Hell, I can't remember what I write immediately after I write it! I'm surprised that anyone can follow along with my rambling bullshit!

If I'd known this cover of the book existed, I would have held out to buy this one!

Why all the goat talk? I love goats, cats, and raccoons. That probably tells you most of what you need to know about me right there!

Actually, you don't need to know anything about me! Let's get back to Stormwatch!

Speaking of Stormwatch, I just purchased Issue #7 today. Yikes! I won't be reading that one for at least another month! How'd these comics get so far ahead of me?

Have they ever tested this on Mythbusters? If you want to disorient or knock someone out, you hit them with a closed fist. If you want to wake them up or clear their head, you hit them with an open fist! Which would also just be called slapping them since an open fist is technically, you know, just a hand.

Apollo moans, "I got here." So I guess he didn't randomly crash to Earth after being knocked unconscious by obliterating a giant moon missile with his face. It was a controlled unconscious reentry. Apollo also mentions that he's out of power. But guess what?! Midnighter has a plan!

Of course he does!

I forget what The Midnighter's powers are. He can kill almost everything. He knows how to do everything. He's always got a plan. He can rock Apollo's world. I think he's basically just gay Batman. Which probably means he's the only person in the DCnU who can defeat Batman! Because it probably wouldn't be right to have Midnighter lose a fight when the only difference is that Midnighter is gay. Because then you would have to make the argument that DC thinks being gay is a weakness! I think I just found the Batman can kick anyone's ass loophole! Go Midnighter!

So Midnighter shows the Projectionist how to run a computer because she's only really good at browsing the internet. She can probably show you the funniest Youtube videos but she's not going to save your ass when you need her to work the controls of Stormwatch Headquarters.

Midnighter has Stormwatch Headquarters fire a solar blast into Apollo. Of course it had to shoot it from its hiding place in Hyperspace. And where the hell did it get its reserve of solar energy if its been hanging around in Hyperspace? Because I'm pretty sure light doesn't travel through Hyperspace! Just through normal space! Unless all light is constantly traveling through all points in Hyperspace at all times. That's probably the scientific explanation.

Another giant creature goes down by being exploded by a teeny, tiny person.

At least this time, the creature didn't ingest the person that causes it to explode. Although Paul Cornell is writing two different titles in the 52 and they've both used the giant thing being exploded into tiny bits by the tiny person fighting it plot device. So he might want to think up more intricate ways of defeating giant foes. I suppose he thought having Midnighter figure out how to power up Apollo was the big challenge. Anyway, I think this whole thing proves Stormwatch's point that they need a gigantic powerhouse like Apollo. They've got all of the other fancy powers that let them manipulate the world. Now they just need someone who hits hard.

Oh, I guess it's time for a journalistic correction! Apollo didn't defeat the alien. He just popped open its digesting sac to free Stormwatch. And I also got the name of the city wrong since I was just randomly guessing. It turns out the name of the mad, lost city is Alba Umbra. Jack talks with it and discovers within its ruins is a Deus Ex Machina which ends the storyline in just two more pages.

Stormwatch turns the creature into glass (why didn't they just call Firestorm out to do that? Maybe because he still can't transform organic material? Or can he? I bet one of the five thousand Firestorms on Earth could!) and raises this city out of the ground. Or the city raises itself out of the ground and Jenny Quantum turns the alien into glass using the city's Alchemy Table.

I guess Alchemy makes a huge comeback and becomes a power of the 21st Century.

Then to distract all the readers from the story ending so quickly and abruptly, Stormwatch is emergency teleported back to Headquarters (including Apollo but not Midnighter. Unless Midnighter is unassembled and then reassembled off panel). Turns out they've been brought back to Headquarters by the Shadow Council who have decided that Adam has failed as their leader and is doomed to die.

That seems like it's not going to happen since Adam One has been around since the Big Bang and is living backwards and is probably immortal. My guess is it's a trick. And probably started by Merlin.

Stormwatch #3

I bet Merlin did!

First off, let me say that Merlin began Stormwatch. I only noticed this because I happened to scan and post just the right picture from Demon Knights #4. Then I was rereading my entry after having read the first two Stormwatch comics. And having had that flashback connection to Demon Knights and then seeing that Adam One also lived backwards like Merlin, it all came together. It was only after I noticed this that it sank in that Paul Cornell was writing both comics and so the tie in makes a lot of sense. Even though I spend an hour to an hour and a half reading and writing about each comic, I still miss some major things going on. So. On to Issue Three.

You mean if only you could see! Because fucking Martian Manhunter is standing right behind you with his peanut butter in Hawksmoor's chocolate!

The next page shows what is going on inside Jack Hawksmoor's head and I sort of wish it hadn't. It shows Jack sitting cross-legged drinking a cup of tea with the personifications of Paris, Metropolis, and Gotham speaking with him. I wish it were the other way. I wish Jack would become like a city! And he'd overlay his map or his skyline or his architecture and sewers and parks over the other cities' maps or skylines or whatever I said. And then they'd communicate by honking and creaking and birds chirping and people screaming and litter fluttering by and motorcycle crashes and domestic violences and maybe two people waking up in the morning, one from Jack's city and one from Metropolis, and they end up having incredible morning sex as the cities overlap and all the communication Jack and the city need comes screaming out of the woman as she climaxes.

That's what Warren Ellis would have done. Or at least, that's what I would have done!

Harry also transferred all of the creature's knowledge to himself before killing it.

Meanwhile, on the moon, Harry Tanner reveals his real super power! Lying! Here's a quick list of Stormwatch's members and their powers:

Adam One: Immortal. Other things too, probably. Weakness: Arrogant.
Martian Manhunter: Telepath, Shapechanger. Weakness: Flammable.
Jack Hawksmoor: Master of Urban Development. Weakness: Farms.
Projectionist: Manipulate Media, Tapped into all media all the time. Weakness: Tapped into all media, all the time.
Harry Tanner: Lying, Swashbuckling. Weakness: Probably that whole crying wolf thing.
Jenny Quantum: The power of the 21st Century (mostly still unknown!). Weakness: She's just a stupid kid!
The Engineer: Nanotechnology and merging with electronics. Weakness: Harry Tanner.

How do you handle being in a relationship with someone who has the superpower to lie?

Apollo heads into space to destroy the moon rock assault and Midnighter sticks with the rest of Stormwatch as they head out to Colorado to deal with the one alien creature that landed. It's in the middle of nowhere but Jack was assured by Gotham and Metropolis and Paris that it landed on the site of an ancient city. Jack is going to tap into that ancient and mad city (Gotham said it was madder than Gotham was. So it's probably one of Lovecraft's cities) to help defeat the alien monster. The rest of Stormwatch just has to protect Jack.

Back in Stormwatch Headquarters, Projectionist is having incredible sex with Superman.

What? I didn't write that! I typed that Projectionist was fucking Superman all night long.

What the hell? Seriously! That's what Projectionist is doing! She's off changing all of the media to what she wants it to say so that nobody hears about the alien from any bloggers or phones or whatever. Okay. So she changes the content. But the person who put up the content is still going to know, right?! This Projectionist is making me think everything ever thought by a schizophrenic was true and the world was just changed and manipulated by Stormwatch right out from under them. Is that where madness comes from? I hate you, Stormwatch!

Back in the field in Colorado, things aren't going so well. Do they ever? Jack gets sucked underground by the Ancient Mad City, possibly Kadath. And then the rest of Stormwatch is absorbed into the weird alien while Midnighter stands around saying, "I told you so."

Stormwatch #2

Issue number two begins at the Big Bang where Adam One is created side by side with time and everything else.

Adam One's confusion with the language he's speaking is stolen from a Sperm Whale. Also, the Petunia's one thought was written by Judd Winick.

Perhaps the other voice speaking here is Merlin's since Merlin also ages backwards. Or it might just be a God's voice since Stormwatch beats up on things like that all the time.

Adam One is the leader but Engineer and Harry Tanner don't seem to think much of him. He's also Jenny Quantum's baby sitter. I also just remembered what happened to Jenny Sparks! She was the Spirit of the 20th Century while Jenny Quantum is the Spirit of the 21st Century. So little miss Sparks wasn't needed anymore. Um, I still don't quite remember what happened her. Maybe she turned normal to live out a normal life in the 21st Century. Or she was upcycled into Jenny Quantum!

As I was reading Issue #2, I recalled that Apollo recognized Martian Manhunter as having been in the Justice League. But Guy Gardner doesn't seem to remember Manhunter at all. But now that we've met Projectionist, it's not a big surprise. She's probably manipulated the media to remove Manhunter from existence. Perhaps Apollo recognizes him because they've allowed Apollo to remember him in the hopes it would get him to join the team.

Because Stormwatch is about to make all kinds of trouble on the moon, Projectionist manipulates the media so that other Super Heroes believe some other villain is causing the problems on the moon.

Oh geez. This just opens up a whole gigantic can of worms. Maybe I'll enjoy Justice League International more if I believe every mission they go on is a manipulation of facts by Projectionist! And the JLI are just going around beating up on innocent people!

Midnighter and Apollo still seem to be a bit on the fence about joining Stormwatch. Stop playing hard to get already! Everybody knows you're going to join! Just get it over with guys! They'll probably officially join after the big fight they're about to have since the Scourge of Worlds just rained down a bunch of super alien tentacle beasts in its attempt to strengthen Earth through Devastation!

Goat!

Stormwatch #1

At some point in this comic, Martian Manhunter is going to take the shape of Apollo and end up having sex with Midnighter. It's practically inevitable.

Before I could even begin reading the first page, I began to speculate on the first crisis that Stormwatch will be facing. A Great Old One? No! An Elder God which the Great Old Ones themselves worshiped! Or maybe they'll face off against the Earth itself which is rejecting human beings. So Stormwatch has to figure out how to stop the Earth from killing everyone. The challenge is Stormwatch can't just beat the shit out of it like they would normally do or else they'll wind up killing everyone!

I also just remembered that there was that guy on the team with the feet who felt empathy for the city he was in. Or gained his power from the city around him. Jack Something? Jack Hawksmoore? Fuck if I can remember. Oh, then there was also the Engineer! And the lady with the wings! From the cover of issue one and issue two beside me, I only see Apollo, Midnighter, and Martian Manhunter though. Maybe it's just a boys' club this time.

Well, reading the first page reveals Angie the Engineer is still on the team. She's talking to someone I don't recognize. But there's a small girl on deck of the Headquarters ship. That must be Jenny Sparks.

Angie and the other guy are investigating a giant horn that was blown over in Superman #1. Why it was blown by the cyborg toad guy in that comic and not over here is a question I was going to say was unanswerable but I'm pretty sure I know why it was done that way. To try to get all of the audience that would definitely be buying Superman to possibly pick up Stormwatch since it looked like they might be crossing over somehow. And yet, I've read the first five issues of Superman and had completely forgotten about the horn blowing frog cyborg because it's never mentioned again.

Perhaps things like this will happen across all the comic books. Because Stormwatch is kind of like a localized hyperspatial galactic police force which deals with all the really horrible cosmic ending events that none of the other super heroes even notice. Perhaps that's how all of the stories will be set up! Except I haven't run into any other notes to check out the pages of Stormwatch to follow up on this one page that means nothing to the current comic. Maybe that's because this storyline is still going on here in Stormwatch. When it ends, I bet something will happen in Batman with a footnote to check out Issue #7 of Stormwatch for more information!

Engineer calls the guy I don't recognize Adam and that doesn't help me at all. I just remembered that there was also a drug crazed member of the team who had some connection with nature. I don't remember who that was at all! It's been a long time since I've read Stormwatch!

OH HAI JACK HAWKSMOOR!

It looks like Apollo is the guy Stormwatch is in Moscow to recruit. And that's foot guy Jack. But I don't know the other two! Maybe the normal guy in the suit is Martian Manhunter.

The female in the group is called Projectionist. Her super power is to get out of class to get the projection equipment when it's time for a slide reel. Or her power is to project all of the current media on any subject in the whole world. She does this about Apollo and gets three hits. One of them is a girl's Slash Fiction. I wonder who he's fucking in it? Batman probably. Which isn't too far from the truth!

Oh, I should probably also mention that Projectionist can manipulate the media as well. It's good to have someone like that to keep your group covert. Also, the normal guy was Martian Manhunter. Ha ha! After all these years, Manhunter, you can't fool me!

Can I give myself 1/2 a point for guessing the Earth would be their first enemy?

This guy named Harry Tanner who does some thing with energy blades was investigating something on the moon. The moon quakes cause him to follow through the surface and into a cavern where a gigantic eye begins talking to him. The moon calls itself The Scourge of Worlds and it's decided to make the world stronger through devastation.

Can I get another 1/2 point for the Elder God of an Elder God guess? Hunh? Close enough here?

Okay, the Scourge of Worlds is actually trying to help. And it isn't the moon, exactly. It just has the ability to animate matter and it chose to animate the moon. Something horrible and huge is coming to Earth (of course!). And the Scourge is here to help make the Earth stronger in the hopes it can defeat whatever huge thing is coming.

The Scourge of Worlds reads Harry's mind. He sees old versions of Stormwatch (The Demon Knights were a faction?) It discovers Stormwatch is run by a Shadow Cabinet of the dead. And then it uses Harry Tanner as its host.

Oh! Was that drug guys name The Shaman? I think maybe! The goatee guy named Adam seems to be some guy who keeps watch over Century Babies like Jenny Sparks. I mean, Jenny Quantum. Memory fail again. I don't quite remember what happened to Jenny Sparks now. Or did she somehow become Jenny Quantum? Again, fuck if I know!

Manhunter, Jack and Projectionist are about to take down Apollo and force him to join Stormwatch when the Midnighter appears and easily takes them all out. You know why he easily takes them all out? Because he was designed to be Batman on Steroids. But now Midnighter and Batman are in the same universe. Which means Midnighter is just Batman without the no-kill ethics. And Batman can now beat up Midnighter since Batman can defeat anybody in the DC Universe. Oh, and the Marvel Universe as well.

I don't know who Midnighter is currently working for. Probably Stormwatch.

Demon Knights #4

Issue Four begins with The Shining Knight immediately having a vision and flipping out. Maybe it'll be like a Lost flashback. We need to see what The Shining Knight is in order to understand The Shining Knight's motivations during the rest of this battle. A battle that I suspect will not take place until issue five.
Shining Knight's vision is pretty standard for the Dark Ages.

The Holy Grail!

Merlin reminds The Shining Knight when they first met at the fall of Camelot OVER 9000!! years ago. Artus the Bear King had already been removed to Avalon. I guess Arthur is cursed somehow to relive his reign, his wound, and the fall of Camelot age upon age? Does this have anything to do with The Once and Future King? Also, this is why The Shining Knight called Xanadu and Jason liars when they had said that they had been at the fall of Camelot.

This is Merlin just before he gives the Shining Knight a sip from the Holy Grail. It is this sip and this memory that have driving The Shining Knight on his endless quest. A quest which Merlin explains is a quest for something that can never be had. Interesting that Merlin is doing the same thing but possibly cannot see it from his own perspective. He's on an impossible quest to beat back the evil forces from destroying the utopia of Camelot. It's Memento all over again!

The Shining Knight shared her long-lived blood with his Pegasus so that the Pegasus now is long-lived as well. Sometimes The Shining Knight and her horse sleep for centuries under hillsides. It was one of these times The Shining Knight slept under Yggdrasil, receiving one drop of water from its root and having this same vision The Shining Knight is having now. Another repeated motif in The Shining Knight's life.

So the beasts come for him and not Camelot. Merlin is always doomed to failure because Merlin is the problem. From Memento to Lost in the Funhouse."

Merlin needs the Grail to rebuild Camelot. But Merlin lost the Grail when he threw it into a place in the Earth where things are kept safely for the future. It actually looks like a volcano. The Grail is now lost in time. The Shining Knight has been given the task of finding it and Merlin assures The Shining Knight that "[it] along stand[s] a chance of finding that which was lost. And returning it to [Merlin] after too long a journey."
Meanwhile, the Questing Queen awakens from the same vision (apparently)! Or maybe just a vision very similar. Who knows? Maybe Merlin gives this vision to a whole bunch of people to convince them to keep looking for the Grail. Seems like a better method than putting posters up on street corners.
And then the Horsewoman gets space madness. Or Dark Ages Madness, maybe.

Whoops!

Demon Knights #3

Xanadu's shield works and Mordru's fireball bounces into the enemy. I thought the pterodactyls were being sacrificed by Mordru to try and waste the town anyway. After her spell, Xanadu looks like the cover of the comic. So that's interesting that the cover was accurate. I would have guessed it was being overly dramatic. And after Xanadu sacrifices her youth to protect the town, Etrigan takes it out on the priest.

Just in case anybody reading was unsure about Etrigan being an ambiguous hero.

Etrigan has previously been controlled by Jason Blood. Jason would only call him forth if there were no other choice. And Jason usually had something that Etrigan wanted so that Etrigan would willingly return the body to Jason. Of course, Etrigan is unpredictable so once he's in power, Jason Blood can spend many, many issues as...um...as a... I don't know! I don't know what happens to the other when they switch bodies. I forget! Does the incorporeal one act like Professor Stein in Firestorm and float around as a disembodied head giving advice? Or is there a waiting room in hell that he waits in? I probably should know this considering how many Demon comics I own. But it's been a decade and a half since I've read any of them.

In the Dark Ages, it looks like Madame Xanadu keeps Etrigan in line with her bosoms.

This is the Queen. I don't recognize her.

The mysterious archer known as The Horsewoman is forced back into the town. She, somehow, gets through the shield. But the horde is closing in on one side of the pass and mechanical dragons known as Heraldic Dragons are blocking the other side. The seven companions are going to have to stand and fight. Or six since Xanadu seems a bit out of it at the moment.

Xanadu convinces Etrigan that he must go back to hell. He loses much power on Earth. So I guess that is what happens. Jason ends up in Hell while Etrigan is on earth. And vice versa. The storyline in the last Demon comic where he took over hell makes more sense. That was what he was up to while Jason Blood was hanging out with the blonde and the cigar smoking pillow back on Earth.

This issue contains a lot of sitting around talking while the companions wait for the shield to fail and the Horde to attack. They build some fortifications. Savage rounds up the men to build a small army. Everyone ponders the gender of The Shining Knight. And that's about it.

Not much action but a lot of little moments with the companions. Because the Shining Knight is androgynous, the companions have an equal number of males and females in their group of seven. They have a female magician in Xanadu and a male scientist in Al Jabr. They have an incredibly strong male and female in Savage and Ex. So does Jason Blood and his Demon have a common link with the Horsewoman and her horse, Breaker? Oh yeah, and The Shining Knight has a Pegasus!

The cover of the next issue says it'll be about the origin of the Shining Knight. How are they going to fit a giant battle into the same 20 page comic as an origin story?! Stupid short comic books are pissing me off.

Demon Knights #2

I still don't know who that archer is.

The six newly formed companions (I think I can call them companions now that they're fighting dragons) are, um, fighting dragons like I said in the parenthetical reference. Xanadu uses magic. Al Jabr uses science. Etrigan uses Hellbreath. Savage uses his muscles. Shining Knight uses swordplay. And Exoristos uses metaphor.

She's making an erect penis joke as she removes the head from the phallus.

It seems that Etrigan has been paying attention to my blogs. Instead of being eaten and making the best of the belly exploding technique, Etrigan forces his way into the dragon's mouth so that he can simply explode it's head from the inside. Close enough, Demon.

The next page is just a big splash of blood as Etrigan blows his way out of the dragon's skull.

The six companions finish off the last of the dragons and divide up the Experience Points. The townspeople thank them but give them no reward. While the companions have little idea what just happened, the townsfolk know that the Hordes of Questing Queen are coming through their village. The archer woman confirms it.

And then she turns and heads for the hills! Jerk!

The Horsewoman thinks they should run. The leader of the town thinks they should stay and grovel and sell ale. Vandal, having once been a general in the horde, lets them know exactly what will happen if they stay: death for the adults and forced recruitment for the young. Etrigan, having not received that reward that townsfolk should feel obligated to pay when a quest has been performed for them, picks up Xanadu and flies away. He's got the right idea! Who needs the headache of helping villagers if they don't have any cash? I bet Etrigan ransacked and looted T1 The Village of Hommlet just like every other bored player forced to play it because his Dungeon Master purchased the stupid module.

At least the moat house was exciting. And how many years did I have to wait for The Temple of Elemental Evil proudly advertised on this cover? Stupid Gygax (may he rest in peace!).

Where was I? Oh yeah, Etrigan and Xanadu don't get very far into the sky before they encounter some guys riding on the backs of some pterodactyls .

Besides the flying cavalry, giant mechanical dragons and humongous fireballs head toward the little town as well. With no magic left, Xanadu spills her own blood to erect a shield about the town. The Queen and Mordru sense this and Mordru fires a huge fireball toward the village to destroy everyone before the shield can be erected. And that's the cliffhanger for this issue!

Well, at least that took care of the pterodactyls!