Black Condor #6

This is the first Black Condor cover that was difficult to jerk off to.

When I last read a comic book, I would like to close this clause by saying, "I was ten years old." But since I can't honestly say that and the only things I ever write must be absolutely true due to an early life encounter with a Monkey's Paw, the end of the clause I began this paragraph with must be "I jerked off in a dark room and cried while lying in my rapidly dying spunk." No, wait! It doesn't have to be that! I can't lie but I'm also able to omit things I don't want people to know! But now that I've said that thing, I just want to point out that "dying" isn't a typo of "drying."

Let me start over. Maybe if I make my opening clause a little clearer, I can foil this stupid Monkey's Paw Curse.

At the end of the last issue, Black Condor, an entire homeless encampment, four rich college Musketeers, some drug dealing baddies, a lovable priest named Gamble, and an autistic woman had just been blown to Kingdom Come (not the alternate DC Universe that readers know to take completely seriously because it was painted by Alex Ross). It was the autistic woman who did it but not because she's autistic or because she's a woman. It's because she was given secret super powers by the same organization that gave Black Condor his powers. Unless her powers were from her autism. I forget what people thought autism was in 1992. Between Rainman and various 60 Minutes reports on savants, I feel like we all thought autistic people were those whose brains were only capable of doing one extraordinary thing at the expense of communication, non-temper-tantrum-induced emotions, and being hot.

For the Internet arguers out there, I chose "temper tantrum" over "meltdown" because I was discussing how people from 1992 thought. On this same topic, I was visiting my mom this weekend and looking through old photo albums. One was a picture of me face down on the floor with the caption, "Jeff having a temper tantrum." I can't wait until my mom falls down and breaks a hip so I can document that. "Mom dying from pain and shock."

A good percentage of my other pictures were of me holding one of our cats in front of the Christmas tree each year. My other pictures were of me holding two cats. Maybe there were other pictures of me too. Mom probably could have taken a number of tantrum pictures equal to the number of cat pictures but I'm sure she mostly didn't just stand by and try to document my frustration with life.

From upper left going clockwise: Redneck, Tortoise (no tree but bonus mom's thumb), Nermal, and Kotter.

Black Condor's grandfather tears a new asshole in his henchmen because of their fuck up in releasing Karin, the autistic girl. He doesn't use his claw hand though. He just yells at them a lot. Oh yeah, he's got a claw for a hand. I never noticed that before. He almost certainly uses it to tear new assholes though.

To try to produce some public good will for The Society, Grandfather Kendall gifts one million dollars to Father Gamble's homeless encampment. Seems to me that would just produce public suspicion. Nobody has connected the catastrophe to The Society and why would anybody? But now he's created a link that might be investigated! And Mr. Faulkner of the Faulkner Foundation decides to do just that when he discovers the charitable gift! Too bad I didn't keep purchasing this series because it sounds like a huge turf war is going to erupt between two secular non-profits. I added the "secular" because my first thought was, "I've never read a story like that!" And then my second thought was, "Couldn't that have sort-of described The Troubles in Ireland?" But now that I added the "secular," I can say, "I've never read a story like that!"

I eagerly await everybody on the Internet telling me all of the stories I've almost surely seen where two non-profits go to war. Or maybe y'all can just circumvent that argument by pointing out that The Society isn't a non-profit and it's more of a Masonic secret society run by agents of the Illuminati.

After being blown up, Black Condor decides his grandfather and his secret society need to be stopped. Before this, he just sort of figured he'd be able to live his own life flagrantly in his grandfather's stupid face. But now he realizes that his grandfather doesn't care who gets hurt while trying to recapture Black Condor. They've already put Karin and everybody surrounding her in danger. What will they try next?

What next? Flood the streets of Philadelphia with shock troopers and laser weapons!

Black Condor reluctantly beats the shit out of all the shock troopers. He saves Karin but before taking her back to the care facility where they can give her body everything it needs while she lives inside an autistic fantasyland in her mind (totally nailed autism, by the way), Black Condor drops her off at his grandfather's board room where she poops another mind bomb all over the place. Nobody dies but I'm sure Grandpa was really fucking embarrassed. He totally learned his lesson and never went after Black Condor again. At least in my reality where I never read any more issues of this comic book. You're welcome, Black Condor. I made your life way easier.

Black Condor #6 Rating: B. My least favorite issue of the series, probably because Black Condor was less reluctant to do the right thing and yet involved in even less action and adventure. He did spend a lot of time inside Karin's fantasyland where she tried desperately to put his Black Condor cock into her autistic vagina. If Black Condor hadn't expressly stated that it was never going to happen again, I probably would have purchased Issue #7. I wonder if Karin Webster remained in DC continuity to become a member of The Outsiders or the Birds of Prey in later years?

Black Condor #5

Five issues and five pure cheesecake covers.

It's possible this was the sexiest comic book series in 1992 but nobody noticed because comic book fans in the 80s and early 90s didn't understand the term "homoerotic." Remember that volleyball scene in Top Gun that all the dude bros wanted to emulate unironically? Although that's unfair to the gay and female comic book readers in 1992 who probably realized this comic book was a spectacularly little gem of a jerk off magazine. It also had the added benefit of the hot and sexy Black Condor being a genuinely good guy, if not a little gruff around the edges (of course that just adds to the sexy! Meow! Can I saw "meow" when I'm talking about Black Condor? Or should I say "Squeeeawk!"? (Here's a fun and/or boring look into my writing process: normally I would go back and edit out everything after the first sentence of the parenthetical reference and replace the "Meow!" with "Squeeeawk!" Then readers may or may not understand what I'm doing there. This time I decided to keep it more explanatory for my less astute readers. You never know when you've got a Soy Rakelson in the audience whose motto is "Don't you think writers and directors have an obligation to their audience to make their work understandable?!")).

This issue is called "Firefight in Sherwood Forest." That probably means those guys on the cover are actually good guys doing the wrong thing for the right reasons! Black Condor will probably meet them, hear how they're just protecting their neighborhoods from drugs and violence, and then beat the shit out of them anyway because those fucking uzis can hurt somebody, the dumb dicks!

Crud-for-brains? I'd wager my life savings that Brian Augustyn was an early Adventures of Pete and Pete fan.

The guys on the cover are just four young dude-bros stealing from drug dealers. They burn the drugs and take the money to give toward good causes. And probably also to buy cool shit for themselves. They're only human! Probably. I haven't read far enough along to know what they're really doing with the cash. Black Condor will find out after he beats the shit out of three of them.

Sorry. I've been gone for awhile. You wouldn't have noticed since my long absence fell between writing the previous paragraph and this current one. And unless you ran off to take a desperate shit right at the same moment, the time between these two paragraphs was negligible, minuscule (I decided to use both words because I'm so proud of my ability to spell my native language (I considered misspelling "native" and "language" but decided that was a boring old joke which has carried more water than Capri-sun (that's a new joke and it's not very good because it doesn't make sense. But at least it's new))). But I was caught up in playing a stupid computer video game about dungeon delving dice trapped in a horrific game show. Spoiler: the dice never get to fuck. But I'm back now because this is blog is the only thing that keeps me sane anymore. You might think that because this blog was my link to sanity, I'd be more earnest. You might think I'd want to be grim and serious and discuss political, social, and environmental matters with the gravity and seriousness they deserve. But that's all the stuff that's doing my head in. So I'd rather pretend that I'm angry at comic books.

Here's a secret for the few of you reading this who made it to this specific paragraph out of all of my paragraphs: I wish I were friends with Scott Lobdell. I bet he's kind of an asshole but he's the kind who, if he was getting his ass kicked at a bar for being smarmy and pretentious and smug (smug because he's a rich writer whom a lot of thirteen year old boys (and men with thirteen year old boy minds) think wrote some of the seminal X-men stories), he'd completely understand if you didn't step in to defend him. He feels like the kind of guy who knows what he really deserves (a righteous ass beating) and wouldn't think the world unfair should he ever receive it. Then he'd probably buy drinks for the people who beat his ass, and I'd look him in the eye and shrug, and he'd laugh, and we'd continue to not mention that time we jerked each other off when we were fucking wasted on single malt scotch and peyote.

Black Condor and Ned decide they need to find the girl with humongous afro before she hurts people who don't deserve it the way the color changing white supremacist Nazi rapists did.

What does he mean by "completely autistic"? In 1992, I'm guessing that meant nonverbal with loads of stimming and maybe the ability to play any piano concerto immediately after hearing it once.

Karin was experimented on by Black Condor's grandfather's Society but she failed to gain the ability to fly. She did, however, gain mental abilities as powerful as his own. He's concerned that, being autistic, she'll hurt people with her mind rage. Please. She almost certainly just wants to be left alone by everybody in society expecting her to think and act in a specific way that she can't think and act, nor would she want to if she had the ability. Just leave autistic people alone, normals! They don't need help. Just because your autistic kid isn't giving you the kind of unconditional love you were looking for when you decided to have a kid that you would eventually love only conditionally based on how they loved you doesn't mean the kid needs to change. That's on you and your needs. Maybe just find a way for the kid to express themselves (or not! Who knows sometimes?!) and let them do and act as they please. Unless what they want to do is fuck the dog. I'm not saying autistic people fuck dogs but I am saying we're all individuals, you know? Use your common sense! And if your kid is fucking the dog, autistic or not, don't let them near the dog!

The Merry Men on the cover (oh hey! There were Merry Men in the Sky Pirate issue! Brian Augustyn either loves old tales of daring adventure or LSD) have been robbing drug dealers to help fund a homeless camp run by a priest named Gamble. The priest isn't involved in the theft; he chastises them about their plans to get money illegally. But they assure him the money isn't tainted and he decides to believe them when they dump thousands of dollars on his desk. Doing the right thing is hard when doing the wrong thing will solve all of your money issues. If you're a weak minded jerk, that is! I totally would never sell out for thousands of dollars so hopefully nobody embarrasses themselves by offering me loads of money to write positive comic book reviews for their publications.

Father Gamble refuses the money because he just can't be sure it was honestly come by. I would be less suspicious of the money and more suspicious of the white college kids trying to donate thousands of dollars to a homeless camp. What's really going on in this camp?! Why are these young men so interested in keeping it funded so it doesn't get shut down? Four probably rich white boys risking their lives to help the downtrodden? Sorry but this is the most aggressively fantastic comic book I've ever read. And I'm not using the informal definition of "fantastic."

"Which member of this organization could possibly be giving all of this information to these white boys and why am I exposing my plan to kill them before plugging the leak?!"

Maybe that's racist suggesting that the white guy in the gang is giving the information to other white guys. But this comic book has already asked me to believe too many fanciful plot points so I'm glad Augustyn decided the white guy was absolutely the inside man.

The white guys name is Herbie and his boss, Mr. Soto, already knows he's the leak. I'm glad Mr. Soto is as smart as I am. Or as racist. Probably smart though! They follow him as he's trying to meet up with the college Merry Men to warn them that they're in danger. Luckily for Herbie, Black Condor happens upon the scene as he's searching for Karin. And even though Black Condor doesn't give a shit about this guy and his problems, he figures even a reluctant hero wouldn't just stand by and watch some jerk get what's coming to them.

After Black Condor saves Herbie, he has to take him to the hospital because he was pistol whipped. Meanwhile, the rich white kids aren't warned that they're about to die so they drive off into the trap to steal more money that Father Gamble won't be accepting for his charity.

What a dumb asshole! Even the most ignorant of ignorant jerks knows there were only three musketeers! Unless he's so familiar with the book that he's including d'Artagnan along with Porthos, Mythos, and Harpos.

I never read The Three Musketeers because I was born in the late 20th century and exciting stories to thrill young boys wasn't a popular genre anymore because we had Batman and Green Lantern. Although I did once play the text adventure version of the book. When I did that, I poked fun at the idea that the author of it was writing the game so that people would remember Alexandre Dumas and yet it's the only reason I know anything about him! Although now I know a little bit more about him because I Googled his name to make sure I was spelling it correctly and now I know what a fancy lad he was!

Now I want to listen to an audio version of his book where every few sentences, the person reading it just says, "Oooooooh, my!"

The Musketeers (maybe I was wrong to assume they were more like the Merry Men?!) manage to get away with only one of them shot in the ankle (the others weren't shot at all, if that wasn't clear). They decide the best way to save their own lives is to lead the gun men on a chase through New York back to Father Gamble's homeless camp. They already know he doesn't want any trouble so why are they taking this gunfight back there?! What is Father Gamble's hold over these young men?!

Luckily for everybody in the homeless camp, Black Condor is there still searching for Karin. He'll save everybody's lives reluctantly!

Unluckily for everybody, Karin is also there and the gunfire and chaos freaks her out so much that she has a mind-storm! That's the thing she had before that killed four of her attempted Nazi rapists. And that's where the comic book ends! Lucky for older me, younger me bought the next issue so I wouldn't be stuck with this cliff hanger! Lucky for younger me, older me doesn't have a time machine so that fucker has gotten away with some pretty abhorrent behavior which I couldn't correct by going back in time and punching him in the nose. Unlucky for him, he's going to be a virgin for a long, long time! Ha ha! Take that!

Ow. Older me just hurt older me's feelings.

Black Condor #5 Rating: B. A solid rating that I probably wouldn't have given this comic book back when I was twenty-one. I don't think I understood just what this comic book was doing and wound up only remembering it as a comic book about a reluctant hero. I didn't realize how much of it was Black Condor trying to live his now much more complicated life while also continuously doing the right thing. Even when he just wants to hole up in the woods and say "Fuck it!" to everybody and everything, he still shows the heart of a hero when he's needed by people nearby. And he's fucking sexy hot too.

Black Condor #4

Another future friend of Black Condor!

At the end of Issue #3, the editor had a write-up about what to expect from the series and, after reading it, I was like, "Oh yeah! That sounds right up my alley!" Here it is:

I'm a bit disappointed that there won't be any Satan but I'll manage.

I like how they say there won't be any women in thongs for the gratification of adolescent nerds and yet Black Condor can't not cheesecake up every cover he's on! Even when he's unconscious, he's a delectable bit of man meat about to be ravaged by The Shark (I hope!).

I'm disappointed with my younger self because I categorized Black Condor as a "reluctant hero" as opposed to "an actual hero who doesn't let the idea of justice get in the way of actually doing the right thing who also has fantastic abs." I'm also a bit disappointed that I only collected half of the series. If I'm still enjoying this book after reading Issue #6, maybe I'll pick up the rest of the series at my local comic book shop, Excalibur.

The Shark (as seen on the cover) has heard about Black Condor and has decided the best way to meet with him is to run around Philadelphia being an obnoxious jerk until Black Condor notices him. Maybe The Shark needs help extorting a million dollars from an old friend of his too. Or maybe he's in love. I saw Eagle vs Shark. I know how this ends.

Speaking of Eagle vs Shark, I wonder how many reviews of the film called it "the Napoleon Dynamite of New Zealand"? I bet all of them.

Black Condor refuses to be called out in much the way Superman never does. Superman always falls for it! "Hey Metropolis!" says the bad guy wearing the suit made of kryptonite. "I'm going to kill one of you every minute unless Superman stops me almost immediately!" And then Superman punches the guy in the face five thousand times which is totally what the criminal wanted because why else would a criminal go to Metropolis to commit crime?! And taunt Superman while doing it? And sink millions of dollars into purchasing enough kryptonite to build a suit out of it? The only payoff is getting your ass beat by Superman which must mean that's what the criminal wanted which means Superman fucking fell for another masochistic criminal's kink plan. But not Black Condor! He knows he doesn't want his dick sucked by somebody named The Shark!

Fucking Ned! Nobody likes the friend who is also the conscience!

I just realized Superman's super-earnestness and super-sincerity, two of the things that make him an actual hero, are to blame for his always getting dragged into weird kink-related crime sprees. I shouldn't fault him for that at all! Even Superman has to live with knowing he was manipulated every time because he can obviously hear and smell the criminal ejaculate in their kryptonite suit thanks to his super senses. Poor Clark! Now I feel bad for him.

The person saying that shit about Black Condor being stubborn is the original Black Condor. He's somehow projecting an image of himself into Ned's bedroom so he can convince Ned to keep grooming Black Condor to be a hero. Why? Because it's Black Condor's destiny is Original Black Condor's answer. But I bet Original Black Condor is just concerned about his name and reputation. He probably even put The Shark up to this Philadelphia riot he's causing.

I was hoping this was the case! He's in love!

Black Condor rebuffs The Sharks advances which is a huge mistake in our patriarchal society! You don't tell a horny guy you don't want to fuck them without that horny guy completely losing his shit because how is he not getting exactly what he wanted?! How dare these sex objects have their own agency and ability to make their own decisions based on their own needs and desires?! Didn't they hear the part about how the guy was horny?! Now Black Condor has to defend himself by making physical contact with The Shark which is exactly what The Shark wanted in the first place. The only way to beat a masochistic kinkster is by living by the adage of the great philosopher WOPR: "The only way to win is not to play."

Black Condor notes the similarities in his and The Shark's powers and begins to think maybe his grandfather's Society is behind this bullshit. And he might be right because just before the fight started, some Society toadies dumped a woman from a mental institution on the streets of Philadelphia nearby The Shark's rioting. And this woman recognizes Ryan. She also has an afro with a diameter of about three feet.

The mystery woman has her own run-in with the kind of horny assholes I described earlier.

The Black Condor's attacker was a guy who was half-shark. Less believable are the mystery woman's attackers: black Nazis. I'm not sure what Brian and Rags were thinking in this scene. "What are some visual images that are really scary? Oh, a swastika! And black guys! And don't forget the yellow Polo shirt!" Maybe the colorist, Kak (wait. Kak? What?) just got caught up in making the background characters diverse (which he and Rags have done a great job on so far in this issue) and forgot to put any thought at all into his coloring of Augustyn's script which probably read 'White Supremacists threaten to rape Mystery Woman.' Maybe the colorist never even sees the script and just colors the pages as they're faxed to them. And maybe Kak also had no idea what a swastika was?

Anyway, I guess I was getting ahead of myself because the editor must have noticed the problem as the pages came back colored and made sure Kak corrected their colors.

I guess they were in shadow on the previous page.

Black Condor heard the woman think his name earlier and now he hears her screaming. He tells The Shark the fight is over and just begins to walk away while The Shark impotently tells him he can't do that. After which The Shark is tackled by police and tazed. Or mind-fucked by Black Condor. Or something. Whatever, the fight ends just like that and Black Condor flies off to find the mystery woman.

Black Condor finds a bunch of dead guys in the park but no mystery woman. Oh, and the dead guys are black again. No wonder I stopped reading this comic book! It lacked continuity!

Black Condor #4 Rating: B. Just last issue, I was told this series wouldn't be the typical sort of superhero series. And yet here we have a story where a villain rampages while calling out the hero and the hero takes the bait and subsequently beats the shit out of the villain. Then the villain gets away from police custody while the hero hasn't really learned anything. Also, Kak (and/or maybe Rags (and/or maybe Space! Who the fuck is Space? I don't know! They're just co-credited on the art!)) really wanted the Nazi rapists to be black when they were obviously meant to be white. Or maybe the alternating skin color was just some kind of meta-commentary on crime and how audiences see and react to it! It was like performance art! I saw it and I could't believe or understand it and I left thinking, "Wow! So powerful! But how? I don't know! I'm just a dumb non-artist! Those guys were artist! They must have just expressed a really profound point and I'm moved! I think?" Maybe their point was that no matter how obvious it is that white people commit most of the crimes in the country, people will still see most criminals as black! Even when they're white supremacists! Fuck Trump! Was that redundant? It just felt like it needed to be said! Sometimes it feels like it always needs to be said. Constantly. And forever.

Black Condor #3

Do they give out an Eisner for Sexiest Comic Book Cover?

I can't believe the Comics Code Authority could look at this cover and still approve it. This is pure fucking sex! And before you assume I'm sexualizing an innocent moment in Black Condor's life as he fights for survival, remember that this was drawn by a horny artist trying to get horny people to buy his horny comic book.

You can never use the word "horny" too many times in one sentence. It's the only adjective I ever use in Mad Libs.

It takes Black Condor five pages to crash into the river with the hypersonic disc stuck to his chest. That feels like five pages of story stolen from me since I expected him to crash into the river at the end of the last issue. Maybe looking at the cover of the following issue before reading the current issue just sets me up to be disappointed. I'm sure when I first read this nearly thirty years ago, I wasn't disappointed in it. I probably thrilled at the way Black Condor crashed through signs and windows as his nipples stood erect from the hypersonic sound waves.

That's a grimace worthy of Rob Liefeld.

With all his willpower and moxie and raw sexuality, Black Condor manages to remove the disc from his chest before he drowns. Then he bursts from the river like a penis escaping a vagina, covered in glistening vaginal juices and dripping semen all around him.

Don't blame me for the over-the-top sexual imagery. You saw the same cover I did!

Black Condor admits defeat at the hands of The Sky Pirate and goes home to rest leaving The Sky Pirate free to be a morally upstanding and righteously indignant menace to the innocent and unsuspecting people on the street.

I strongly disapprove of what that lady is doing to that baby.

Black Condor decides he doesn't give a shit about The Sky Pirate and that it is in no way his problem. This attitude attracts me to Black Condor more than the dripping, shirtless shots full of rippling muscles and overwhelming masculinity. No wonder I liked him so much in 1992! He's all, "Yeah, the fucker tried to kill me and I'm pretty sure I caught him blowing a hole in a skyscraper to rob it but, when you weigh it all out, what the fuck does that have to do with me?" How many other super heroes would simply go after Sky Pirate because he tried to hurt them? Pretty much most of them! They'd care less that he might be a menace and simply feel the need to punch him back. But not my hero, Black Condor! At least not until Ned practically guilts him into looking into it. But that's okay too! Because he's a reluctant hero, remember! He needs a little bit of motivation from others. And after he's motivated, he's concerned about doing the right thing and making sure nobody's getting hurt. Also, he'll probably become good buddies with The Sky Pirate because I also love The Sky Pirate. They're both such good guys driven to be people they never asked to be in the first place! Like my other hero, Billy the Kid! At least the version of Billy the Kid popularized by the movies Young Guns and Young Guns II which, if I'm being as transparent as possible, I simply believe is the complete and utter truth of exactly what happened during the Lincoln County War. I especially believe that he actually said things like "I'll make you famous" and "Why don't you pull the trigger and find out" after Doc said, "William H. Bonney, you are not a god" by Doc.

The leader of the Merry Men wants The Sky Pirate killed. But to do that, he's going to have to go through his new best friend, Black Condor!

These character interactions are almost as complex as those in Tom King's Omega Men.

For a long time, I simply couldn't remember why I liked this series. It's nice to be able to reread it and find that I agree with my younger self's enjoyment of it.

Black Condor decides to hang back in the shadows to make sure The Sky Pirate gets his money from Mr. Jerko without any trouble. After that, Black Condor will almost certainly become friends with The Sky Pirate and move him into Ned's Park Ranger Station so they can fund their group, The Reluctant Super Friends.

Everything mostly works out and Black Condor and The Sky Pirate part as respected acquaintances. I don't remember much about this book but I really feel like The Sky Pirate reappears before the series ends (or I stopped collecting it. I'm not sure which happened first (I just checked and I stopped collecting it first. I have six of the twelve issues)).

Black Condor #3 Rating: B+. I appreciate that Black Condor isn't a slave to justice and simply beats up The Sky Pirate because The Sky Pirate is committing crimes. There's nothing terribly different about what The Sky Pirate is doing and what DC heroes do every single day. Black Condor assessing the situation and playing it by ear (correctly, I might add!) explains why I have fond (if negligible) memories of him!

Black Condor #2

The Sky Pirate is definitely an incel.

I don't want to shit on incels because people who can't get laid aren't the only jerks who turn into monsters when they can't get their way. I also don't want to make it seem like not getting laid is the worst thing that can happen to a person but have you ever not gotten laid when you really, really wanted to fuck? It's the worst! Now think about not being able to get laid for thirty to forty years. Do you think you're going to give one shit about climate change?! Of course not! That's why Sky Pirate is carbon emitting all over the fucking place on the cover! Sky Pirate doesn't need Black Condor to punch him in the face; he needs him to suck his balls.

On the other hand, getting laid isn't that great, I bet.

I don't know why the guy isn't coming in his pants too.

Back in 1992, we didn't have incels. We just had guys who understood they were never going to get laid so they memorized all the stats of Fiend Folio monsters no Dungeon Master would ever use, like the achaierai or the umpleby or the tween or the snyad or the twill or the tabaxi or the qullan or the mantari or the gryph. Those are actual monsters but I probably could have just made up a bunch of nonsense words and nobody would have fucking noticed. Fiend Folio had a lot of shitty monsters. You know who wouldn't know that? Somebody who was getting laid in 1992! Something else somebody getting laid in 1992 wouldn't understand? Jerking off to the caryatid column!

I had to steal this image from the Internet because I've packed away all of my D&D manuals.

We really need legalized prostitution in this country. Also, we need to remove any negative stigma for going to a prostitute. Also we need male prostitutes that are good at sex so that women don't have to hook up with random guys who are probably terrible at sex when they want to bust whatever the female version of nuts are. Inside nuts? It's got to be tough being an incel in that even if you think you might finally get the chance to get laid, you know you're going to be awful at it and probably ruin a second chance of getting laid. Because who wants to fuck a guy whose underwear looks like the aftermath of a visit from your friendly neighborhood Spider-man when you go to pull his dick out?

True story (I have to preface this story that way so that people actually think it's true even though they should realize I'm an unreliable narrator): when I finally met a woman who wanted desperately to fuck me, I obviously wasn't going to be any good at sex. I had learned to jerk off quickly in the quiet moments nobody was in the house (often to the scene in Return of the Living Dead (on VHS tape) when the punk girl dances naked on the crypt). So when this lovely and accommodating woman pulled my cock out and began kissing and sucking it, I wanted to explode immediately. But I knew I couldn't do that! I had to hold out! So I held out for like ten or fifteen seconds and, in my head, I thought, "That's good enough, right?!" Then I blew my load in her face and she was all, "Whoa. Um. Hey. What the fuck?" Actually, she wanted to fuck me so badly that she didn't care that I was almost certainly going to prematurely ejaculate every time we fucked until I finally decided I wanted to spend more time replaying Ultima IV than fucking poorly. Our sex actually did get better over time (and by "our," I obviously mean "my") but that was only because I'd come in her almost immediately and then, through pure will force rivaling that of Hal Jordan himself, I would just get hard again while trying not to let my flaccid member slip out of her. Luckily she could orgasm through penetration only because just imagine how bad I was at oral sex too!

Um, that wasn't really a true story! I just have a great imagination! But then, you knew that because of all the times I mentioned being a virgin. Which was totally a lie too! I've been laid lots! And I was always great at it.

Black Condor's grandfather can't get over his grandson not wanting to be a part of his old man secret society so he's sending an army of "shock troopers" out to capture him.

Has nobody told him about airplanes?

I can't stop staring at the look of pure joy on the woman's face in the panel where Black Condor is rescuing the campers. I'm actually fucking jealous of a fictional character in a drawing because how the fuck does she get to be so fucking happy?!

Nearly the entire first half of this issue is dedicated to the origin of The Sky Pirate. My guess that he's an incel wasn't too far off the mark. He was a nerdy college kid working in hypersonic flight who desperately wanted to be part of the free love movement. He was eventually let in on the condition that he do all the work and earn them all the money, like how Brian was only allowed to be part of The Breakfast Club if he wrote everybody else's essays while they all hooked up. In the end, he made them all rich while he was a fugitive from the government. They did the thing all of the fucking asshole Boomers did: they gave up their ideals and convictions for wealth beyond measure at the expense of everybody else. So, twenty years later, he's returned to destroy them.

So this guy's a hero! Why is Black Condor trying to stop him on the cover?!

Black Condor is a good guy so I bet he winds up teaming up with Sky Pirate after the initial Marvel misunderstanding. I'm almost positive he does because I purchased the third issue and there's no way I would have kept reading this series if my president The Sky Pirate was beaten and tossed in jail. Even as a randy twenty-one year old spending nearly every night of the week pretending I was a grey elf named Paladine Greystoke, I was completely sympathetic to the underdogs of our fucked up capitalist society.

Sky Pirate plans on stealing as much money from The Merry Men (what the asshole Boomers called themselves because they're so unimaginative they had to steal Kesey's groups' name) as he can. But to do so, he needs to use his hypersonic weapons. Black Condor's new senses are so powerful that every time Sky Pirate uses one of his gadgets, Black Condor is overwhelmed by pain. That must be why he needs to beat the shit out of Sky Pirate. It's less about justice and more about getting him to shut the fuck up. I get it! I once had a neighbor who hung up industrial sized wind chimes outside my bedroom window. And every time I snuck over to take them down, the assholes would just put them back up. They're lucky I didn't go Black Condor all over their asses and swoop in with a flurry of uppercuts! Instead I just cut out off the clapper and made the chimes impotent.

Black Condor shows up and asks Sky Pirate what he's doing. Sky Pirate is all, "Fuck you. I don't have to answer to you, you nipple exposing weirdo!" And then he flies off. But Black Condor won't let it drop, albeit reluctantly! He flies after him because he's a nosy jerk. Can't he just let it drop? The noise only happened the one time. I get how terrible noises can be; I'm pretty sensitive to a lot of sounds myself (fuck every guy with an acoustic guitar, by the way). But maybe wait to see if it happens again before really confronting this guy. Also, I'm sure he has a reason for blowing a hole in a building! He told Black Condor it was personal business and it's not like Black Condor has been deputized by anybody except maybe Park Ranger Ned. I'm totally on Sky Pirate's side right now!

Judging by the cover of Issue #3, Sky Pirate is going to blast Black Condor with more hypersonics and Black Condor is going to plunge into the river in a scary cliffhanger where the reader thinks Black Condor may have drowned.

Okay, I'm torn. I like Sky Pirates revenge on capitalistic Boomer shitheads. But I also empathize with Black Conder's sensitivity to noise!

Since this issue is definitely going to end how I predicted since, as I said, I'm looking at the cover of Issue #3 right now where Black Condor is emerging from the river, I bet Issue #3 sees Sky Pirate and Black Condor quickly finding common ground and working together to defeat the Merry Men. Also, I hope Sky Pirate becomes an occasional Black Condor teammate. Maybe he'll take up residence with Ned and Eileen in the Pine Barrens!

And then the issue ends with Black Condor plummeting into the river. But it also ends with possibly my favorite "Next Issue Blurb" of all time!

No wonder I bought issue #3! I had to see if the sun imploded! Spoiler alert: it didn't.

Black Condor #2 Rating: A-! Holy shit! A comic book with a better than average passing grade! I must really be feeling charitable seeing as how it's my 48th birthday. Yes, that's right, assholes. I'm fucking old! But I'm still cool, right? And totally sexually active, like a mythic beast!

Oh, before I go, here's the back cover because, yeesh. Put on some make-up, dudes.

I loved my Grandmother with all my heart. She was possibly the most perfect human being to ever walk this planet. She was Catholic but I'm fairly certain she practiced birth control based on the differences in age of her two (only two!) children. Her wedding picture was of her in a beautiful non-wedding dress and my grandfather in a suit standing on some spiral steps at the courthouse (not a church! She also had a church wedding photograph but mostly due to the pressure of social politics and religion (I like to believe, anyway!)). She distanced herself from the Catholic church because of the way church members treated and talked terribly about Jewish people. She was the greatest. But the only time she ever disappointed me was when Gene Simmons was on Donahue and she said, "My, that's a handsome man!"

Black Condor #1

After this caption, I'm going to pretend that I didn't buy this comic book because this guy looks fucking hot.

Man, why did I buy this comic book?! I never read All-Star Squadron! I remember asking my friend Sal back in the mid-eighties why he was collecting all of the back issues of All-Star Squadron because it looked so terrible and it wasn't even in continuity! Or maybe it was? Maybe it was forcing its way into continuity like a certain thing of mine I'm thinking of might, consensually, force its way into another certain thing of Black Condors. Maybe I bought it because the title was so slick. Check out that graphic design! Fucking beautiful, man. The nipples...er, ripples are particularly nice. Plus the blurb assured me that this issue was thrill packed, even lobbing on an extra exclamation point, just in case I wasn't totally ready to believe it. Or maybe I just had an extra $1.25 to throw away that day. I guess we'll never know why I purchased this comic book!

The issue begins with some guy named Ryan Kendall being given the power of flight by his grandfather and his grandfather's Oompa Loompas.

If there was a Comics Code Authority symbol on the front, why then am I now sporting a boner?

After getting his powers of flight, Black Condor decides he's not going to use his amazing new power that is super unique and totally worth two hundred years of painstaking research and sacrifice for his grandfather or his grandfather's organization (called The Society, I think. Even though the building really just looked like S.T.A.R. Labs). Also, he's probably going to destroy them.

The one thing I think I remember about this book is that Black Condor operates out of the New Jersey Pine Barrens. I don't remember if he battles the Jersey Devil though. He'd better!

Glancing at the cover to Issue #2, I see he battles the Sky Pirate. Don't tell me you don't know who the Sky Pirate is! Because I was just going to ask you who he is and I don't want to be disappointed when you shrug and say, "Who the fuck knows?"

Oh, I remembered another thing about this comic book as I was reading the part with the bad guys escaping into the Pine Barrens: Black Condor is a reluctant hero! That doesn't mean these bank robbers are going to get away with their crime. It just means Black Condor is going to punch them in the face while sighing and saying things like, "I didn't ask for this!" and "Stupid great power bringing stupid great responsibility!"

Intermission time: here's a fun game from Wyler's, the company nobody remembers:

I could only find one thing wrong: the fact that this kid gives a shit about baseball.

A reluctant park ranger, bored out of his mind while lazily searching for some missing campers, hears about the bank robbers and thinks, "I'm having enough trouble today! I hope I don't get mixed up in this!" Which is completely the wrong thing to think when you're in a comic book. Idiot. He instantly gets mixed up in it.

Ugh. Empathic sense must be the worst super power for a reluctant hero.

Black Condor's empathic sense leads him to the two missing campers. They're a bickering couple that I'm sure he'd rather leave to die in the woods. But he's a hero, even if only reluctantly. So he has to help them find their way back to camp. And after doing so, that means in nine pages, Black Condor did more heroic and selfless things than the Teen Titans in one hundred and twenty issues! Maybe that's why I kept buying this series. I was super impressed by how good this guy was at his job.

Black Condor stops by the Park Rangers Office to check on his friend Ned but discovers he hasn't checked in for a bit. That's because Ned was kidnapped by the bad guys because they needed his truck. The person who tells Black Condor that Ned hasn't checked in is Eileen, a woman who just ruined her underpants with her love honey. At least I'm assuming she did because look at that chest.

She's thinking of a way to accidentally suck his cock.

Look, if two people walking down the street can somehow accidentally get one person's chocolate bar in another weird idiot's open jar of peanut butter then I'm certain it's possible for a dick to accidentally get sucked in much the same way. Excuse me. I'm off to go jerk off to Reese's commercials on YouTube. BRB!

Look at that picture of Eileen again. It might be another Wyler's advertisement: "Can you find the two hermit crabs hiding in Eileen's skull?"

Ned's truck ran out of gas and now the bad guys are stuck in the Pine Barrens where they're terrified of being ass raped by the Jersey Devil. This comic book was written in 1992 so they didn't know it wasn't a great idea to mention rape in a comic book. Also, they didn't mention it but I'm writing about this comic as if it were 1992 so I don't know any better right now which is why I imagined they brought it up. Also if you check Wikipedia after I get around to editing it, you'll find that the Jersey Devil totally loves to rape the asses of hikers.

Anyway, it was nice knowing you, people who followed me after Gail Simone reblogged my Scarab #7 review! I'm sorry I was problematic! I try so hard not to be and then WHAM, my stupid brain goes, "Hey! This is funny!" And then my brain also says, "That's not funny and even if it was, it's not funny enough to deal with the backlash, brain. Maybe say the Jersey Devil likes to give purple nurples!" But then my brain replies by saying, "Oh, go ahead! It's not like you're ever going to enter politics anyway! Besides, you once wrote that terrible story about A Dolphin's Tale 2 or 3 that's super gross!" Then my brain poked my brain with its brain finger and said, "It was not! You take that back! That was satire!" And then I lost my place and I forgot which brain was on which side so my brain just said, "Satire is dead, idiot. Even if smart people understand who you're really making fun of in the satirical piece, the stupid idiots you're making fun of will just think you're agreeing with them! It's just not fucking worth it, brain." Then my penis said, "Hey brain, have you watched a Reese's commercial while imagining the chocolate bar was a penis and the open jar of peanut butter was a butthole?" And then my brain was all, "What? That sounds awesome. I'll delete the stupid rape thing after we watch some commercials." Then I watched some commercials.

So, now that I'm back from my nap, where was I?! I think I was going to do something? Oh, probably finish reading this comic book!

Oh look! They are worried about getting butt raped by the Jersey Devil! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

What's really weird is that nobody had even mentioned the Jersey Devil when I wrote that they were scared of it. I'm so good at reading comics! Man, I wish I was good at something that mattered! Like finger banging!

The lead bad guy shoots one of the other bad guys because every story about bad guys is basically a Coen Brothers movie. Black Conder hears the gunshots and thinks, "Ned!" I wonder if Black Condor is in love with Ned? I was hoping he'd be in love with Eileen, especially after I mentioned her love honey. I sort of developed a crush on her after I imagined her soaking wet underpants. Is that weird or is that why so much fanfic exists on the Internet?

Black Condor arrives to save Ned and the female hostage and the bad guys suddenly believe the Jersey Devil has arrived to do some untoward things to them! Really untoward even! Luckily it's just Black Condor, reluctant hero, and heroes don't do untoward things! Now that I've said untoward three times (four times!), I'm hoping I used it correctly. It doesn't even sound like a word anymore.

Black Condor saves Ned and captures the bad guys by using his "blow up a gun with his mind" power. That's a great power if a little specific. Maybe he can do that with other things too! I don't know how that fits into the whole condor theme. Maybe I just don't know as much about condors as I thought I did. Or maybe I need to update the condor Wikipedia page: "Condors can blow up guns with their minds, if they've recently filled their belly with love honey."

Black Condor #1 Rating: B. This was a really solid if a bit uninspiring start to this series. I guess I can see why I kept buying it. The guy has a great look, sleek and sexy. Plus he's heroic in the way the Teen Titans never were. And he's mysterious! The art was a bit weird at times but that weirdness also created some really striking panels. I might read it now and think it's uninspiring but putting it up against a lot of other comic books I've reviewed on this blog, it would probably be a solid A on story telling and character development alone. Plus, I mean, he stopped some baddies! I was like, "DC heroes are allowed to do that?! What a revelation!" Anyway, that's all. I'm going to go walk around Portland with an open jar of peanut butter now.