This cover kept gaslighting me into thinking I was missing an issue. It's actually Part 3 of "Ten Thousand Bullets".
Hitman #6 (October 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
According to the first six issues of this series (I'm including this one based on the cover), Tommy doesn't just have X-ray vision and telepathy. He also has some kind of invulnerability to bullets. Sure bullets blast through him and spray a lot of blood but they cause no real harm. They basically become the Ich Luger bullets from Heathers. Dude, I know they weren't real and it was just a lie. But the lie was told by such a handsome devil, I still believe the lie. Even after explaining that I know it was a lie! I want to go shoot some football bros right now with some Ich Lugers!
Johnny Navarone must have worked for Planetary because every dude who works for Elijah Snow winds up in a white suit. Your argument against that might be that The Drummer doesn't but I'd argue The Drummer doesn't actually work. The Drummer certainly doesn't work for Elijah Snow. He was more adopted by him. As was Jakita. Was Elijah Snow just collecting children?
Last issue, Tommy took a contract to kill Nightfist which turned out to be a set-up. The story previous to this one, Tommy took a contract to kill The Joker which turned out to be a set-up. It's even possible that the job before that, the one where he was to kill Moe Dubelz' father, the one where he ended up as a meal for Glonth, was also a set-up by the Bloodlines aliens. Who can say?!
When I ask, "Who can say?", what I'm actually saying is "I'm not going to believe anybody who offers any evidence contrary to the thing I've already decided to fully believe." After all, I am — by birth and by accident and by the words of the Constitution — an American. That whole "Change My Mind" meme featuring that piece of shit whose name I thankfully can't remember should be included in the dictionary definition of an American. "Change my mind" just means "You're a fucking fool if you think any evidence at all will divert me from the path I've already decided upon!" But even better, it's a portrait of the type of person who doesn't mind looking like a complete fucking idiot to most everybody in exchange for garnering an audience of the saddest morons in the country. "Look, ma! Nobody can change his mind! He's a genu-wine dee-bate genius!"
That reminds me of another so-called debate genius whose name I can't remember who lost a pretty big debate in Utah. I bet he wishes Ich Luger bullets were real! I mean wished. Sorry!
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
According to the first six issues of this series (I'm including this one based on the cover), Tommy doesn't just have X-ray vision and telepathy. He also has some kind of invulnerability to bullets. Sure bullets blast through him and spray a lot of blood but they cause no real harm. They basically become the Ich Luger bullets from Heathers. Dude, I know they weren't real and it was just a lie. But the lie was told by such a handsome devil, I still believe the lie. Even after explaining that I know it was a lie! I want to go shoot some football bros right now with some Ich Lugers!
Johnny Navarone must have worked for Planetary because every dude who works for Elijah Snow winds up in a white suit. Your argument against that might be that The Drummer doesn't but I'd argue The Drummer doesn't actually work. The Drummer certainly doesn't work for Elijah Snow. He was more adopted by him. As was Jakita. Was Elijah Snow just collecting children?
Last issue, Tommy took a contract to kill Nightfist which turned out to be a set-up. The story previous to this one, Tommy took a contract to kill The Joker which turned out to be a set-up. It's even possible that the job before that, the one where he was to kill Moe Dubelz' father, the one where he ended up as a meal for Glonth, was also a set-up by the Bloodlines aliens. Who can say?!
When I ask, "Who can say?", what I'm actually saying is "I'm not going to believe anybody who offers any evidence contrary to the thing I've already decided to fully believe." After all, I am — by birth and by accident and by the words of the Constitution — an American. That whole "Change My Mind" meme featuring that piece of shit whose name I thankfully can't remember should be included in the dictionary definition of an American. "Change my mind" just means "You're a fucking fool if you think any evidence at all will divert me from the path I've already decided upon!" But even better, it's a portrait of the type of person who doesn't mind looking like a complete fucking idiot to most everybody in exchange for garnering an audience of the saddest morons in the country. "Look, ma! Nobody can change his mind! He's a genu-wine dee-bate genius!"
That reminds me of another so-called debate genius whose name I can't remember who lost a pretty big debate in Utah. I bet he wishes Ich Luger bullets were real! I mean wished. Sorry!
Just replace "hitman" with "online comic book reviewer" and Johnny's basically saying exactly what I say to introduce myself at parties.
After this long-ass villain monologue, Johnny shoots Tommy in the arm so he isn't that great a hitman. He can't even hit somebody's head when they're at point blank range and not moving! I would never miss a kill shot against a rival comic book review blog! Although I do partake in an awful lot of super villain monologues. Often with nobody even listening!
After Johnny shoots Tommy in the arm, he stands around for a couple panels silently. Doing nothing. At least nothing the reader can see. My guess, based on some of my earlier suppositions about Nightfist (and probably every other character in the DC and Marvel Universe over the last fifteen years), is that he's coming in his pants. His ejaculation takes so long that it gives Nightfist time to come in his pants and also time for Natt to throw a grenade at Johnny (and Tommy! But it's probably a stun or smoke grenade).
After Johnny shoots Tommy in the arm, he stands around for a couple panels silently. Doing nothing. At least nothing the reader can see. My guess, based on some of my earlier suppositions about Nightfist (and probably every other character in the DC and Marvel Universe over the last fifteen years), is that he's coming in his pants. His ejaculation takes so long that it gives Nightfist time to come in his pants and also time for Natt to throw a grenade at Johnny (and Tommy! But it's probably a stun or smoke grenade).
Johnny and Nightfist both coming in their pants at the same time. Romantic!
Based on that panel where Nightfist jizzes his shorts, I realize I need to apologize for being wrong earlier. Nightfist has way more body armor than just his forehead. When I first saw his design, I was too distracted by his groin chain to realize he had Kevlar across his chest.
Instead of a flash or smoke, the grenade Natt throws explodes. But because Natt yelled, "Tommy!", he alerts Tommy to the danger and he rolls out of the way. Johnny takes the brunt of the explosion but I guess it's one of those non-shrapnel grenades because he's not seriously hurt even though it explodes right at his feet. Maybe everybody's using stun grenades that look like actual explosions but cause no actual harm. Ich Luger grenades!
Instead of a flash or smoke, the grenade Natt throws explodes. But because Natt yelled, "Tommy!", he alerts Tommy to the danger and he rolls out of the way. Johnny takes the brunt of the explosion but I guess it's one of those non-shrapnel grenades because he's not seriously hurt even though it explodes right at his feet. Maybe everybody's using stun grenades that look like actual explosions but cause no actual harm. Ich Luger grenades!
Tommy has the same concerns I have! But probably more so.
Once again, Tommy's dying from his wounds but he doesn't have a Nazi demon from Hell with magical healing powers to help him out. He needs medical help but the only place close enough is his girlfriend Wendy's place. I forget. Is she a doctor or something?! Or does he just figure it'll be nice to see her one last time before he dies?
I guess it's just a place where they can keep Tommy stable while they have Sean Noonan head to them to help. He knows battlefield surgery and shit like that because he was in Korea and he was a hitman and he owns a bar. Wendy freaks out a little bit because she didn't know Tommy was an assassin. But Tommy is all, "That's on you, honey! I told you when we first met and you thought I was joking! Stupid idiot!" I bet she feels like a fool now. Tommy comes from the school of Homer Simpson wisdom: "It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen!"
I guess it's just a place where they can keep Tommy stable while they have Sean Noonan head to them to help. He knows battlefield surgery and shit like that because he was in Korea and he was a hitman and he owns a bar. Wendy freaks out a little bit because she didn't know Tommy was an assassin. But Tommy is all, "That's on you, honey! I told you when we first met and you thought I was joking! Stupid idiot!" I bet she feels like a fool now. Tommy comes from the school of Homer Simpson wisdom: "It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen!"
He never lied the same way Batman never kills. If you squint your eyes at the truth and say "technically" a lot, is how I mean.
Wendy gives Tommy and Natt and Sean a nice ethical verbal thrashing and they scurry out of her apartment with the terrible feeling that comes with somebody truly seeing you. Sure, they're great guys! They take care of their friends! They love to have a beer and a laugh while playing a little poker. But they're also murderers. And Wendy doesn't seem to think it's right that they can act so casual about taking the lives of other people, no matter how badly those people can be judged by society. They walk out with that feeling that Batman never wants to have to feel which, I think, is the main reason he doesn't kill. Who wants to be screamed at by some self-righteous person who has never needed to kill before and made to feel awful?! At least Batman, going all squinty, can be all, "I have not, technically, killed anybody ever! Technically!"
Meanwhile, Nightfist has recovered and is currently beating the shit out of drug dealers and stealing their cocaine because there's bat-nobody around to put him in the bat-hospital where he might later die of bat-sepsis which, technically, isn't a bat-person's fault. At all.
Actually on this night and fist, Nightfist is looking for intel. He wants to know the names of the jerks who tried to kill him. He learns that he was set up by the corrupt cop Lincoln to lure out Hitman so that Johnny Navarone could kill him. So instead of being dead, Nightfist becomes just another one of Tommy's problems. Or maybe a help, I suppose, if he concentrates on going after Lincoln or Navarone.
Tommy and Natt see corrupt cop Lincoln on the street and decide to give him a little payback in an absolutely comic book way. Meaning it doesn't make any sense but, you know what, who the fuck cares?
Meanwhile, Nightfist has recovered and is currently beating the shit out of drug dealers and stealing their cocaine because there's bat-nobody around to put him in the bat-hospital where he might later die of bat-sepsis which, technically, isn't a bat-person's fault. At all.
Actually on this night and fist, Nightfist is looking for intel. He wants to know the names of the jerks who tried to kill him. He learns that he was set up by the corrupt cop Lincoln to lure out Hitman so that Johnny Navarone could kill him. So instead of being dead, Nightfist becomes just another one of Tommy's problems. Or maybe a help, I suppose, if he concentrates on going after Lincoln or Navarone.
Tommy and Natt see corrupt cop Lincoln on the street and decide to give him a little payback in an absolutely comic book way. Meaning it doesn't make any sense but, you know what, who the fuck cares?
I mentioned earlier that you can tell the bad guys in the Ennis-verse by just how physically disfigured they get. Here's Lincoln now living a life with smooshed feet.
You know how people say "If you see somebody shoplifting baby formula, no you didn't"? They've got the same saying in Gotham but for when you run over a cop.
Tommy and Natt drop in on Pat to find him bleeding out in the tub. Navarone dropped by to grill him about Tommy but he didn't say shit. He was trying to be like the tough guys he hangs out with, like the hitmen and assassins. He wanted to earn their respect so he didn't blab. So I guess Pat does die this early! Look at me being surprised (sort of)! Tommy actually puts a bullet in Pat's brain to end his misery because he saw what Johnny did to him and also because he read Of Mice and Men and understood the main theme: if you have a best friend, you need to murder the shit out of them. But of course Tommy also understands the sequel to Of Mice and Men which Steinbeck never wrote: Of Mice and Men II: Other People's Dogs. See, the subtitle of that means it's time to go on a fucking rampage. This is why this story arc is called "Ten Thousand Bullets". Because Tommy's about to go shoot ten thousand bullets into Moe Dubelz, Johnny Navarone, and every one of Dubelz' thugs he can find.
Tommy and Natt drop in on Pat to find him bleeding out in the tub. Navarone dropped by to grill him about Tommy but he didn't say shit. He was trying to be like the tough guys he hangs out with, like the hitmen and assassins. He wanted to earn their respect so he didn't blab. So I guess Pat does die this early! Look at me being surprised (sort of)! Tommy actually puts a bullet in Pat's brain to end his misery because he saw what Johnny did to him and also because he read Of Mice and Men and understood the main theme: if you have a best friend, you need to murder the shit out of them. But of course Tommy also understands the sequel to Of Mice and Men which Steinbeck never wrote: Of Mice and Men II: Other People's Dogs. See, the subtitle of that means it's time to go on a fucking rampage. This is why this story arc is called "Ten Thousand Bullets". Because Tommy's about to go shoot ten thousand bullets into Moe Dubelz, Johnny Navarone, and every one of Dubelz' thugs he can find.
That's what I just said!
The Ranking!
It's like six issues in and Garth had to be all, "Wait, wait. You remember this is a serious comic book, right? It's not all beers and cigs and laughter! It's about a hitman and people get shot and killed all the time! I think Garth Ennis plots his comics like this: "#1. Laugh with friends. #2. Laugh and drink with friends. #3. Laugh because the bad guy got maimed in a crazy way. #4. Sex and laughter and smoking. #5. Less laughing because we're getting serious face. #6. Weep you motherfuckers. #7. Laughter but because of the extreme violence necessary to redeem the weeping." It's a pretty good system!
It's like six issues in and Garth had to be all, "Wait, wait. You remember this is a serious comic book, right? It's not all beers and cigs and laughter! It's about a hitman and people get shot and killed all the time! I think Garth Ennis plots his comics like this: "#1. Laugh with friends. #2. Laugh and drink with friends. #3. Laugh because the bad guy got maimed in a crazy way. #4. Sex and laughter and smoking. #5. Less laughing because we're getting serious face. #6. Weep you motherfuckers. #7. Laughter but because of the extreme violence necessary to redeem the weeping." It's a pretty good system!
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