Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #37 (September 1992)

This cover looks like some project Glenn Fabry would have done in Year 7.

This cover also looks like one of those '90s Personality Comics of Bon Jovi. I owned the Christina Applegate issue.

Man, I hope I still have this in one of my short boxes!

Currently on my down time, I'm reading the collected Fire & Ice: Welcome to Smallville and it's fucking adorable. As some of you may know, there are two things I want in my comic books: adorableness and Lobo's erect cock. I never get the latter one so I'm super happy when I get the former. One of the reasons this series is so fucking adorable and whimsical and cute and all the things that I just love in a comic book is — and maybe this is sexist — that it's written by a woman, Joanne Starer. I understand guys can also write entertaining and adorable women — just read all of my early Batgirl entries — but they often just don't feel realistic. Every woman written by a man is just a man's stupid idea of how women act and think. It's possible a guy would have written the following scene but, if he had, it just wouldn't feel as authentic and innocent but also sexy. It would seem lewd and manipulative and dirty! I should know because I'm picturing it that way and my dick is nodding its approval!

I should also exclaim loudly how much Natacha Bustos' art and Tamra Bonvillain's colors add to the cuteness of this comic book. Just superb. A+ stuff here.

As you can see by the cover, this story is called "Mercy". It begins like this: "THIS IS A STORY ABOUT MERCY." I had to put that in all caps like the lettering in the comic book otherwise I'd have to editorialize on whether or not the "M" in "MERCY" should be capitalized or not. The image that goes along with that caption is either Batman getting his tooth knocked out or just a shot of his testicles.

Blogger gonna try to censor this post now!

Look, Blogger. If it's good enough for the Comics Code Authority, it's good enough for the fucking Internet.

After turning the page, I discover the story is also about "revenge, justice, and fighting for yourself." So it's just like every other Batman story? At least from Batman's point of view. I guess the difference this time is that the point of view will be Mercy's and she won't let Batman fight for her.

Enter Mercy! She's going to fight for herself!


Exeunt Mercy. On a stretcher.

Mercy's partner was killed because Batman let a hotshot hot cop he was crushing on talk him out of saving the day. Also the Cossack got away to punch Batman in the testicles later on the first page.

Batman visits Mercy in the hospital and begins grooming her as a new Robin. I don't think he thinks that's what he's doing but then he's never seen a therapist (unless you count Hugo Strange which you really fucking shouldn't) so how would he know? I suppose you don't have to see a therapist to self-reflect. It's just that some people refuse to self-reflect even when 0 of their 357 friends on Facebook don't like or comment on a terrible Ayn Randian clip about how Democrats are the real racists because they didn't end slavery and also they did civil rights. It's like, um, read the room, buddy. The Republicans are invading US cities and you're trying to convince people that your party isn't the racist party? "Hey, guys! Our new authoritarian overlords aren't the racist ones! The party that isn't standing up to them are the racists!" Did you think your "Gotcha Video!" would make people who don't even fucking love the Democratic party stand up and applaud you while commenting, "You know what? You're right! I never thought of it this way! I'm a Republican now!" I think it's self-reflection time. Unless you think your 357 friends and family just, um, I don't know, unfollowed or blocked you long ago? Maybe he just targeted the video to me and I was his entire audience! If so, I'm glad I called him crazy to his face that one time when he was upset that Marvel was publishing a comic book about a Muslim character. Man, he was fucking raving about that. And then I was all, "So you don't think the Muslim writer should write a Muslim character?" And then he was all, "Oh, I didn't know the writer was Muslim." And I was all, "You're fucking crazy." And it kind of ruined the day. Can you imagine? I ruined the day for calling him crazy but the day was just fine while he spouted off with his paranoid bullshit about Marvel's anti-Christian agenda! This world sucks.

I think the main problem was that I felt bad for calling him crazy but he didn't feel bad for being crazy.

Batman trains Mercy to be the best fighter she can be. But then she betrays him by not becoming another Robin. Instead, she ghosts him to pursue her own brand of justice. And revenge. And fighting for herself. But probably not mercy because that's just her name.

She means she's going to kill him, Batman! Mercy ain't gonna show no gosh-danged mercy!

Let me guess: Batman convinces Mercy to show mercy by the end? Or maybe Batman is forced to kill Mercy and save the Cossack! Alternatively, maybe they just have sex. I mean Batman and Mercy, not Batman and the Cossack. Although, look, either way is fine with me. I just don't think DC in 1992 would have done it.

Eventually Mercy kills one of her opponents in the underground fights and she becomes depressed and lost and drunk. Batman tries to talk with her about it but what can a man who beats people for her? "You need to beat them softer"?

Batman loses track of her after that. Which seems weird because doesn't Batman love keeping tabs on everybody? This is a mistake, right? I mean by Batman and not by the writers. What I mean is the writers purposefully had Batman make a mistake that could cost Mercy her life because, once again, he trusted that she'd be okay. First she nearly died while her partner did die because Batman thought she could take care of herself. Then Batman trained her to be a great fighter because he thought it would help her take care of herself. But then she grew exceedingly violent and accidentally killed a man and became super depressed. So that's when Batman stops watching out for her? He puts her trust in her two times and it doesn't work out either time. So he's going to trust that she'll be all right now that she's suicidal?! I guess that's why these stories are "legends". They're times Batman had to learn something important which serves him well in his regular title.

Look at them! Look at Batman's hairy chin balls!

I know I sort of made fun of the cover and keep pointing out how Batman's chin looks like his scrotum but I'd like to make one thing clear: I'm really enjoying Colin MacNeil's interior art. It's got a sort of style that I could see being used in a long, definitive run of Batman that would have been celebrated for decades. It just feels like Batman and Gotham and darkness and desperation. Now the cover? Did not like. At all. But the interior? Very much good like. Not bad hate.

When Batman finally does catch up to Mercy, it's by accident: he sees a live feed of the 1992 version of the Dark Web where a contest known as "The Blood Pit" airs. It's like the underground bare-knuckle fights but better because it's to the death on purpose. I say "better" because this is a comic book and I like to see people die in comic books. It's fun! If this were a real Dark Web contest, I absolutely wouldn't watch it. Mostly because I don't know how to get on the Dark Web.

Batman sees Mercy is in trouble and rushes to where the Blood Pit takes place. He knows where it takes place because it's been on his radar for a while now but he didn't give a shit. If two roided out thugs wanted to beat the life out of each other, what was that to him? Other than the fact that he hates murder and non-Batman violence. But this time, he has empathy for one of the contestants. He doesn't stop to think, "Hey, if a person I like whom I know has stumbled and her life fell apart which caused her to risk her life in The Blood Pit, maybe other innocent people whose lives just spiraled out of control might be dying in this thing. Maybe I should have stopped it much earlier!" He might think that but Abnett and Lanning don't let us see those introspective thoughts because it would derail the current narrative. The narrative currently barreling down the intended rails is that Mercy is losing a death fight to the Cossack! And Batman's got to stop it from happening!

"Alternatively, Mercy's a big girl. She knows what she was doing. Maybe let her sleep in her own medicine this time," is a thing I would be saying if I were Batman right now.

Batman, not a coward like me, throws in twenty thousand dollars he stole from the guy who runs the game earlier that night to be considered an actual combatant. Mercy crawls from the arena, I guess, as the new Death Pit match takes place: Batman vs. Cossack.

A few pages later, Batman has lost. Or he's faking losing and the fight was just to give Mercy a chance to catch her breath, right? If so, it worked perfectly! Just as the Cossack is about to kill Batman, Mercy steps back into the ring.

Oh wait. It doesn't work perfectly at all because the Cossack immediately kills Mercy.

You notice how I didn't complain about Cossack's right arm in that first panel? It's because I figured Batman dislocated it.

Batman takes advantage of the interruption to his fight much better than Mercy did. He defeats Cossack but refused to kill him. As he picks up Mercy to carry her into the sewers to bury her, the GCPD crash through the wall in a tank and arrest everybody. They saw Batman's fight on the same live feed that Batman saw Mercy on after Batman reported the location to the cops earlier. Being that they're all corrupt, they don't mind when Batman takes his winnings along with Mercy's body. Or maybe he just uses his own money at the end when he discovers that Mercy had entered the Death Pit battle not to get revenge on the Cossack but to earn some cash for the widow and children of the man she killed. Batman discovers this because Mercy left a message on the Bat Answering Machine explaining why she was going to be dead soon.

Poor Mercy. If only she'd chosen to become the next Robin, she wouldn't have had to die. And maybe Tim Drake would have been forgotten and I never would have had to read any story about Tim Drake written by James Tynion IV! I mourn the loss of that world and that happier version of me!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #37 Rating: B+. This was a nice one-shot story. Competently told with all the nice little literary ball and cup tricks that keep the thematic line running clearly through the entire story. And the art was mostly really well done! Stupid Cossack and his wonky arm trying to make me look like a dumb jerk! Did he ever come back as a Batman nemesis?

I just did my own research like a true Internet moron (but better because I actually did it instead of seeking out confirmation bias videos on CrazyTube) and learned the Cossack never appeared again. In a world where Grant Morrison brings back every character or costume ever referenced in a Batman story, I am disappoint.