Now I want to rewatch A Boy and his Dog.
Even though this comic book was called Green Lantern and there are multiple Green Lanterns, I absolutely thought it would fully focus on Hal Jordan. Never being interested in Hal Jordan, I suspect this was the first issue I actually purchased off the rack. Of course a book called Green Lantern doesn't have to just feature Hal Jordan! How limited my scope of thinking used to be and still is and always will be! After Guy's story here, I believe Gerard Jones goes into the pilot for Green Lantern: Mosaic with John Stewart. After that, I suspect it goes all in on Hal Jordan working with the entirely new Green Lantern Corps. If I'm wrong, I don't give a shit. I don't care about being wrong anymore. It's refreshing! You don't waste years of your life insisting you're right simply because our brains are wired to suspect that we're the smartest person in every room and whatever thought your brain can come up with is reality. Once you realize you're constantly wrong about so much in life, it's easy to let your ego slough off like you've taken the exact perfect amount of psychedelic mushrooms. Somebody can point out that you're wrong about something and you don't frenetically start building a castle and moat to prepare your defenses of the most wrong idea you've ever had. The Internet would have far fewer daily confrontations if more people could just allow themselves the room to be wrong.
This reminds me of a comment I once got on a Justice League International comic book. I think it was an annual. Near the beginning of the book, Blue Beetle warps to Reachworld and I surmise that it amounts to nothing and he'll be back because it didn't seem like something that was happening in continuity. By the end of the review, Blue Beetle hadn't returned and I admit my speculation was wrong and that the trip to Reachwold was probably going to be a story in a future issue of Blue Beetle. But some Internet choad who couldn't realize how intentionally biased my reviews are toward things like Lobo and Lobo's crotch and Lobo's pectoral muscles and Guy Gardner got super heated with me about something. I snapped back facetiously because I find getting angry with people you don't know anything about on the Internet funny. And then he rebutted that he can't stand arrogant assholes who think they're right about shit and make up lies about the story when they could have just read the upcoming previews to know that Blue Beetle was going to have an arc on Reachworld. Obviously, the guy was a self-hating arrogant asshole who always thought they were right. But also, did he not read the rest of my review? Could he not comprehend how they're written as I read them by the way I speculate on them as I go? I obviously answered my own question about Reachworld and came to the right conclusion without ever having to read Previews which I never do because I like to fucking approach media ignorant! Fuck that guy! I'm no longer facetiously angry with him! I hate his fucking guts!
Goddammit. That was facetious. But from here on out, let's go back to pretending my anger at stupid comic books and Internet trolls and Scott Lobdell is real. Okay? *wink*
This issue begins with Guy Gardner critiquing the Mad Guardian's kidnapped city choices.
This reminds me of a comment I once got on a Justice League International comic book. I think it was an annual. Near the beginning of the book, Blue Beetle warps to Reachworld and I surmise that it amounts to nothing and he'll be back because it didn't seem like something that was happening in continuity. By the end of the review, Blue Beetle hadn't returned and I admit my speculation was wrong and that the trip to Reachwold was probably going to be a story in a future issue of Blue Beetle. But some Internet choad who couldn't realize how intentionally biased my reviews are toward things like Lobo and Lobo's crotch and Lobo's pectoral muscles and Guy Gardner got super heated with me about something. I snapped back facetiously because I find getting angry with people you don't know anything about on the Internet funny. And then he rebutted that he can't stand arrogant assholes who think they're right about shit and make up lies about the story when they could have just read the upcoming previews to know that Blue Beetle was going to have an arc on Reachworld. Obviously, the guy was a self-hating arrogant asshole who always thought they were right. But also, did he not read the rest of my review? Could he not comprehend how they're written as I read them by the way I speculate on them as I go? I obviously answered my own question about Reachworld and came to the right conclusion without ever having to read Previews which I never do because I like to fucking approach media ignorant! Fuck that guy! I'm no longer facetiously angry with him! I hate his fucking guts!
Goddammit. That was facetious. But from here on out, let's go back to pretending my anger at stupid comic books and Internet trolls and Scott Lobdell is real. Okay? *wink*
This issue begins with Guy Gardner critiquing the Mad Guardian's kidnapped city choices.
Don't blame the Guardian, Guy! It's boring old Hal and Ollie that took him to these terrible towns.
Rose confronts Guy while he's stealing snacks from the local general store. She doesn't care that he's stealing snacks; she thinks he's stealing Hal Jordan's glory. But Guy helped Hal save, um, whatever the fuck they just helped save. Themselves, I guess. Because all of the alien cities are still stuck on Oa and that was pretty much the extent of the Mad Guardian's plan. Step 1: mind control John Stewart to be his best friend. Step 2: kidnap every city he'd ever been to. Step 3: don't get your ass kicked by Hal Jordan (and, um, Guy Gardner!). See? Hal and Guy really just saved John Stewart when you think about it. Nobody else on the planet is in any better shape than they were before. At least all of the Xudarians were still alive before Hal and Guy and John "saved" everybody.
After meeting Guy Gardner, Rose has the usual feminine reaction to his pure, unadulterated machismo.
After meeting Guy Gardner, Rose has the usual feminine reaction to his pure, unadulterated machismo.
At least Rose's son appreciates machismo.
Guy Gardner shows that he's not a total selfish prick when he gives the coffee grounds he stole to John and Hal after he hears them jonesing for some. Does that make Guy the smartest Green Lantern on the planet? Is he the only one that thought, "Hey, the Mad Guardian stole a number of Earth cities. I should get some coffee?" That was a rhetorical question to emphasize that he indeed was the only one who thought that. Hal assumes Guy stole the provisions and, well, Guy did steal the provisions. But I'm sure he could have asked for them as well! He's a space cop! Who's going to refuse to give free shit to a space cop? From what I've seen of Earth cops, they take free shit all the time whether or not the people they're taking it from consent!
The Guardians finish their council and give the good news to Guy: he'll be returning to Earth as the one and only Green Lantern of Sector 2814!
The Guardians finish their council and give the good news to Guy: he'll be returning to Earth as the one and only Green Lantern of Sector 2814!
In your stupid smug face, Hal Jordan!
Anybody could have seen this coming from 2.9 million miles away. Anybody but Hal, John, and Guy, I mean. Who would hire Guy Gardner as the recruiting agent for their organization?! First off, you'll never get any women to join. You would think after writing "first off," I'd follow that with a sentence that begins "second off." I thought the first off bit said enough.
See?! I hadn't even read this panel when I made my list of reason why Guy shouldn't be the recruiter!
That wasn't a typo! My list of reasons only had one reason!
Hal takes off on yet another road trip but this one intergalactic and hopefully doesn't end in any holes because the holes in space are super duper dangerous. John remains on Oa to babysit the aliens. And Guy Gardner returns to Earth to find nobody respects him any more than they did before. They all continue to treat him like a joke. Maybe he should have had Hal sign a notarized proclamation that Guy Gardner suffers from brain damage and his rampant terrible attitude should be treated as a disability. He can't help that his personality was changed by a traumatic brain injury! The team cares so little about Guy's brain health that when he banged his head on the underside of the computer console and his personality changed completely to that of an overly polite twat, they celebrated it! I bet Batman studied exactly what happened so that if Guy ever goes crazy the way Hal Jordan soon will he can smash Guy over the head with a skillet in just the right place for Guy to turn nice again.
Since the Justice League don't give a fuck that Guy has gotten a space promotion, Guy decides to announce it to the people of Earth.
Hal takes off on yet another road trip but this one intergalactic and hopefully doesn't end in any holes because the holes in space are super duper dangerous. John remains on Oa to babysit the aliens. And Guy Gardner returns to Earth to find nobody respects him any more than they did before. They all continue to treat him like a joke. Maybe he should have had Hal sign a notarized proclamation that Guy Gardner suffers from brain damage and his rampant terrible attitude should be treated as a disability. He can't help that his personality was changed by a traumatic brain injury! The team cares so little about Guy's brain health that when he banged his head on the underside of the computer console and his personality changed completely to that of an overly polite twat, they celebrated it! I bet Batman studied exactly what happened so that if Guy ever goes crazy the way Hal Jordan soon will he can smash Guy over the head with a skillet in just the right place for Guy to turn nice again.
Since the Justice League don't give a fuck that Guy has gotten a space promotion, Guy decides to announce it to the people of Earth.
Did he steal this speech from A Charlie Brown Christmas?
Halfway through the issue and Guy Gardner hasn't even begun his solo adventure. Unless being ignored by everybody he's trying to impress counts as an adventure. He hasn't even run into G'nort yet.
Guy Gardner flies around destroying as much property as possible in the name of fighting crime. I guess that makes the comic book funny? Ha ha. I'm laughing a lot at the antics of Guy Gardner, Gerard Jones! You have really nailed his heroic attitude of endangering lives and setting fires to communist cities. I just have one small questions: what is the difference between Guy Gardner and a super villain? I don't mean to imply that you've done a terrible job with your writing and your characterization, Gerard Jones! I'm just trying to understand how all of these "heroic" shenanigans don't get Guy Gardner arrested? Is Joe Staton's cartoony artwork supposed to make it so the reader doesn't take any of this destruction seriously?
You know what? Never mind any of that! I'm probably just too stupid to understand the subtleties of making Guy Gardner not just an arrogant prick who does heroic stuff but an outright menace to the people of Earth.
Moving on to something I am smart enough to understand, G'nort arrives! He's a space dog that is also a Green Lantern! He's very funny because he's a dog and also a space police man (but only due to nepotism (which is also very funny! Ha ha!)). G'nort is such a great character that nobody ever complains when he makes an appearance in a comic book.
Guy Gardner flies around destroying as much property as possible in the name of fighting crime. I guess that makes the comic book funny? Ha ha. I'm laughing a lot at the antics of Guy Gardner, Gerard Jones! You have really nailed his heroic attitude of endangering lives and setting fires to communist cities. I just have one small questions: what is the difference between Guy Gardner and a super villain? I don't mean to imply that you've done a terrible job with your writing and your characterization, Gerard Jones! I'm just trying to understand how all of these "heroic" shenanigans don't get Guy Gardner arrested? Is Joe Staton's cartoony artwork supposed to make it so the reader doesn't take any of this destruction seriously?
You know what? Never mind any of that! I'm probably just too stupid to understand the subtleties of making Guy Gardner not just an arrogant prick who does heroic stuff but an outright menace to the people of Earth.
Moving on to something I am smart enough to understand, G'nort arrives! He's a space dog that is also a Green Lantern! He's very funny because he's a dog and also a space police man (but only due to nepotism (which is also very funny! Ha ha!)). G'nort is such a great character that nobody ever complains when he makes an appearance in a comic book.
Punching the dumb dog guy is hilarious! It's like how my grandparents just laughed and laughed when that fat guy with the Hitler mustache constantly bullied that skinny guy in the bow tie!
G'nort mentions the phrase "two Green Lanterns" and "Earth" enough times so even readers as dense as I am understand that Guy Gardner discovering another Green Lantern on Earth is something he can't abide. Also helping paint that picture: the violence!
Guy needs to know why this idiotic creature has a Green Lantern ring so he contacts the Guardians. One of them appears and says, "I have never seen this dog in my life. He isn't one of ours." Guy figures that solves that and the Guardian will take away G'nort's ring but the opposite happens. The Guardian, seeing that G'nort's technology is of a kind that only the Guardians could have made, believes that Guy must discover the mystery of who gave G'nort the ring. Guy isn't a space detective but he's willing to take on this case if it will mean taking the job away from G'nort so Guy can be the only Green Lantern of Sector 2814. Not that G'nort is officially a Green Lantern of Sector 2814. Apparently whoever gave G'nort his ring said he was made a "Green Lantern-at-large." So he gets to go wherever he wants and right now, he wants to be wherever Guy is.
Green Lantern #9 Rating: B-. I hate the way Gerard Jones characterizes Guy Gardner in this issue but what can I do? Guy's a joke to most writers. And this was obviously a bit of a satiric send-up of the character. You can tell because G'nort is also in the issue and Joe Staton is doing the art duties. But I do like that Gerard Jones is going to explain where the fuck G'nort came from! I really don't remember that at all! The only thing I remember about G'nort becoming a Green Lantern was that his uncle had something to do with it. It's sometimes hard to believe that any editors allowed G'nort to become a mainstream character rather than a weird Ambush Bug kind of Green Lantern offshoot. Probably because he's so harmless and also because he's a big fluffy good boy.
Guy needs to know why this idiotic creature has a Green Lantern ring so he contacts the Guardians. One of them appears and says, "I have never seen this dog in my life. He isn't one of ours." Guy figures that solves that and the Guardian will take away G'nort's ring but the opposite happens. The Guardian, seeing that G'nort's technology is of a kind that only the Guardians could have made, believes that Guy must discover the mystery of who gave G'nort the ring. Guy isn't a space detective but he's willing to take on this case if it will mean taking the job away from G'nort so Guy can be the only Green Lantern of Sector 2814. Not that G'nort is officially a Green Lantern of Sector 2814. Apparently whoever gave G'nort his ring said he was made a "Green Lantern-at-large." So he gets to go wherever he wants and right now, he wants to be wherever Guy is.
Green Lantern #9 Rating: B-. I hate the way Gerard Jones characterizes Guy Gardner in this issue but what can I do? Guy's a joke to most writers. And this was obviously a bit of a satiric send-up of the character. You can tell because G'nort is also in the issue and Joe Staton is doing the art duties. But I do like that Gerard Jones is going to explain where the fuck G'nort came from! I really don't remember that at all! The only thing I remember about G'nort becoming a Green Lantern was that his uncle had something to do with it. It's sometimes hard to believe that any editors allowed G'nort to become a mainstream character rather than a weird Ambush Bug kind of Green Lantern offshoot. Probably because he's so harmless and also because he's a big fluffy good boy.
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