Justice League #5 (1987)

This cover sets up the one-punch punchline.

This is the only issue of Justice League that anybody remembers. When people bring it up, they say, "Do you remember that time Batman knocked out Guy Gardner with one punch?" And then the other person says, "Oh yeah! That was hilarious! Batman committing violence against his teammates was a hoot!" Then they would stand awkwardly in silence trying to think up another funny plot point in the run of this series, avoid eye contact, shrug, and wander away without another word. Because does anybody remember what the actual plot of this issue was? If you say "Yes," I will call you a liar simply because I don't want to believe that people exist who can actually remember the early years of their life. Also I refuse to understand that this comic book could have been read any time other than 1987.

Here's the plot which some of you might remember once I begin to explain it: a gray man thinks gray thoughts and grays gray grays all over the gray state of Graymont. Doctor Gray receives gray transmissions from gray gray gray gray and grays up gray.

Now do you remember why you didn't remember it?

The Gray Man captures Doctor Fate and sends his Gray Replicants to steal the dreams of everybody in the world. The Justice League computer (which has done most of the tough thinking for the team in all of the previous issues) declares the Justice League has 52 hours to save the world. Whoa! 52! This was totally foreshadowing, right?! Fuck me. Now I'm like one of those assholes who believe in predictive programming! I know, I know! This isn't even close to the same thing as that but I just wanted to point out that people who believe in predictive programming are assholes.

How come Doctor Fate, a Lord of Order, is considered a super hero? Fuck order. Order isn't justice! Order is just sweeping the disgusting shit under the rug and spraying Lysol to cover up the stink of decay! Fuck Doctor Fate! Also, I'm really fucking hating his high-waisted shorts.

This is foreshadowing the time Doctor Fate became a lady.

The Creeper also makes an appearance because his alter ego, Jack Ryder, is busy working up the dumb-dumbs into an anti-super-hero frenzy for the coming Millennium. I call them "dumb-dumbs" because they're the kind of people who watch angry pundits on television and then believe everything they say because it's nice to feel something when you're older even if it is unbridled rage at nonsense. But in reality, I think civilians in the DC Universe have a right to be angry at super heroes because of teams like the Teen Titans who do nothing but battle their fathers while New York gets destroyed in the conflict. I mean, I might be like, "Sure, I understand the collateral damage because otherwise the Earth would have been taken over by cannibalistic singing plants." But I'll never be like, "Oh, I don't mind that all of my stuff and my pet is underneath this rubble because Raven has finally broken free from her father's clutches."

The Justice League winds up in Stone Ridge to save the world and, if they're forced to in order to accomplish that first thing, rescue Doctor Fate. The Creeper joins up with them since they have room for one more while Guy Gardner sleeps off his concussion back at Justice League headquarters. I don't want to point out the minor issue of Batman punching a guy with brain damage into unconsciousness and then leaving him alone except that I just pointed it out and so I guess I did want to point it out? Batman is a dick.

Justice League #5 Rating: A! Look, it gets an A rating because this issue has the only memorable scene in this whole series! Unless that scene where Lobo attacks is as iconic. Or that part where Black Hand interrupts Guy and Ice's date. Goddammit! I'm ruining my own argument by remembering other things that happen later! Fucking brain. This is the last time you betray me, you asshole! Where did I put my trepanning drill?!