Detective Comics #7

I wish DC would kill The Penguin already. He's so not interesting.

At the end of last issue, Batman and Charlotte River (who had been stabbed in the back four times by Snakeskin) were caught in a trap that I didn't understand. I think they fell through a trapdoor and into the icy waters of some Gotham river. Or were covered by snow. I'll probably find out when I begin reading this issue next paragraph.

Next paragraph! And it still makes no fucking sense at all! Hey! Hey you fucking editors at DC! Rein in your Goddamnned Artist/Writers! Make sure that what they're writing and drawing makes some fucking sense to people whose only idea of what is happening is through reading the comic and not being inside Tony Daniel's fucking head! Fuck. Do your job, you lazy shitstains.

This makes no fucking sense at all.

Okay. So Batman and Charlotte are locked inside a tiny room in the last issue. And Snakeskin hits some buttons which makes the floor open up. Underneath this tiny room is the, um Ice Generator Shaft? And the Ice Generator is a giant shaft under water with a big fan at the bottom? What is the fan doing? Cooling the water so it freezes? And why was there a trap door opening up to this shaft? Was that little room Batman was trapped in some sort of container for the ice? But the Ice Generator is supposed to be creating the Iceberg surrounding the Casino, right?

Hey, Tony Daniel! I want you to draw me the layout of this fucking casino and explain why this can happen. This is worse than that scene where the joker throws the exploding duffel bag at the shadow of Batman on the wall opposite the wall that Batman breaking through the window! You suck at spatial design.

Commentator's rendering of The Penguin's Casino.

It's obvious that Tony Daniel has no respect for the reader. He just figures that he can make some stupid ass cliffhanger that makes no sense at all and everyone reading will be okay with it. Because it's a comic book and we have no standards at all as readers, right? Because Batman then has his Batsub break through this Ice Generator Shaft to save himself. And he and Charlotte Rivers surface next to Alfred's yacht where Batman yells up to Alfred to put a bunch of ice in a life raft. I guess because he's going to steal one of Charlotte's kidneys.

Maybe at the end of this issue, Batman will confront the Penguin. But the penguin will push a button on a wall and Batman will be launched into the sky where he finds himself in a Lightning Generator! And he'll have to coat himself with Batrubber to insulate himself from the lightning and it will also save him as he bounces harmlessly off the ground when he falls to the Earth. Don't you dare steal my idea, Mr. Daniel!

In the casino, Jill punches Snakeskin repeatedly in the face because he apparently just killed her sister Charlotte. And then she's surprised when he can't make his face look normal anymore.

She also pummeled his face a bit last issue! Stop fucking with your Golden Goose, Patches!

Meanwhile, in the main part of the Casino, The Penguin is hanging out with his new hoodlum buddies. And Tony Daniel shows what a lazy writer he is. The Penguin and the other people around him feel the crash caused by the submarine busting through the Ice Generator. And this is the Penguin's reaction:

Really? Your fucking casino just shook. You're in Gotham. You have a vault full of cash. And you're this nonchalant about it? Ugh.

Apparently this is business as normal for the Penguin. Don't worry about anything! Something weird happens, don't rush to check it out. Just go about your business, nice and casual-like. Because even his staff don't really worry about updating him on things that seem pretty important.

You're job was to watch the Rivers woman but you lost her seven minutes ago NEAR THE VAULT and you're just now reporting to the Penguin? You're fired!

Batman called in a bomb threat to the casino and the police are on the way. Which is lucky because Jill Hampton has a bomb and is going to blow the vault. Unless she's Jill Chase! Because now Alfred called her Jill Chase and Snakeskin has been calling her Chase. Which is why I've been so confused, I guess! Because she's listed in the phone book as Jill Hampton!

I hate this comic. DC ended Detective Comics at Issue #881 (or so) to reboot it into this bullshit? Their signature title isn't going to last two years! I watched a video review by three nerds about Batman: The Dark Knight #1. It was a white nerd, a black nerd, and a girl nerd, talking about the comic for about 15 minutes. And they pointed out a lot of the issues I (the half-spanish nerd!) had with it. But the black nerd kept forgiving the comic because he "got the point even if it didn't totally make sense. It moved the plot along." He just kept excusing all the bullshit! They all did, to a degree. And that's the big problem. No respect for the reader. And the reader takes it in the ass and shrugs with a "What can you expect? It's a comic book" kind of attitude.

Actually, I don't hate this comic book! I hate Tony Daniel! He's just being lazy. There is no effort being put into the writing of this story. But then he's the writer behind Issue #5's Russian Roulette which had a Poker game that made no sense. Now that's fucking lazy! Learn the rules! Although I can also blame the artist and the editors. But if it's the artist's fault for drawing poker hands that didn't make any sense, then you can also blame Daniel for being lazy about his writing. His script probably just said, "The Russian has a good poker hand but not good enough to win." And the artist was an idiot. But the editors were the biggest idiots and still are!

Batman finally figures out that it was Jill Chase that he's been tracking all this time. She was in the Joker mask that robbed the gun runner's meet-up. She was the one that dropped the chip with Snakeskin's prints and the one who killed Pog. So it looks like she's trying to frame Snakeskin. Maybe that's why she kept punching him in his stupid face! So that his power would get fucked up and he'd be caught more easily.

Part of Jill and Snakeskin's plan is to kill Cobblepot. Snakeskin pulls a gun on him while Jill is downstairs opening the vault with some technocrap stuck to her hand. The vault opens easily. But when Snakeskin goes to shoot Penguin, the gun has no ammunition and it blows up in his face. I think he loses his arm and dies. Penguin's Crime Syndicate decided they've seen enough of The Penguin's rinky-dink operation and want out. Penguin, of course, is pissed and throws a tantrum.

Poor Snakeskin never had a chance.

Batman beats everyone else to the vaults and confronts Jill. It turns out she's Mayor Hady's daughter. I don't know if I should have already known that using the transitive property. But I don't think I ever knew that Charlotte was the Mayor's daughter, so this is new to me. I think.

Why does anybody ever tell Batman he doesn't know what he's talking about?

While Batman is confronting Jill, Penguin's loser Crime Syndicate show up. They realize their money is about to be stolen but don't yet realize Penguin is playing them. Batman makes them realize their mistake in trusting The Penguin (or anyone in Gotham!) while he pummels them all in their masked faces. While he's fighting them, Jill runs away. Too bad Batman put the tracer on her. The C-4 she planted in the vault explodes and Batman gets away because he always gets away. I don't know what happened to the guys with the dumb names. I bet Mr. Combustible lived. Oh wait. Maybe he super died?

Oh, there you have it! They all lived!

That was Penguin talking to Jill Chase. This whole thing was planned by them to steal these masked idiots' money while putting the blame on Snakeskin who wound up dead anyway. So they would have been home free! Except for that meddling Reporter and her dumb Bat-boyfriend!

Jill made the deal with the Penguin to earn some cash and to make sure that her father's reelection campaign went smoothly. Seems the Penguin has some crooked political clout in Gotham. But he doesn't want to pay Jill. So he plans on killing her instead. Yeah, that's par for the course in Gotham. Why does anybody ally with anyone else in this shitty city? But Batman saves the day because of the tracer and because he's Batman!

The fight between Batman and Penguin lasts two panels! Just like I predicted last issue! And Batman doesn't even have to do anything!

Batman gets shot and Penguin falls down! Fight over!

Batman sticks Jill in jail where she hopes her father will get her out. And he supposedly hires an attorney for her. But it's not her attorney! OMG! It's Snakeskin! And he has a knife! And he says, "The Penguin says hello!" It's a triple quadruple double cross! And that's the end of the issue. I don't know if this story arc will continue in the next issue or if we'll just have to wait and see if they ever say what happens to Jill or Snakeskin (who didn't blow his arm off, I guess).

On one level, I hate the lazy writing on this comic. Things are drawn that make little sense and motivations aren't clear because everyone is deceiving everyone else. That's understandable. The fact that Penguin's security doesn't alert him to the vault thing makes sense in that it was part of the plan to get the Crime Syndicate killed. But it still doesn't explain why Penguin would not investigate the explosion in his Casino! Especially when he's in the middle of such a convoluted plan. But there are some aspects of the story that I see working to fill the world of Detective Comics and Gotham City with a lot of history, tying a lot of characters together, and giving a broader view of the place and its residents. So there's that. But does it balance out the crappy bits? Maybe.

Detective Comics Issue #7 Rating: No change in the Ranking. I already have this comic ranked pretty low. I'll give it a pass this time for the positive bits. But I'm keeping a close eye on you, Mr. Daniel. And put an S on the end of that last name! It just sounds ridiculous without one!