Monday, October 2, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman The Red Death #1

These metal covers don't scan well. Also, I'm now blind.

A bunch of evil Batmen have been set loose on the DC Universe and it's made my penis very hard. I know "very" isn't the most descriptive word I could have chosen but how descriptive do you want me to be about my penis, you pervert? I just mean it's harder than usual! Like it's straining for another quarter inch! Um, on top of the lots of inches that make up the size of a large penis! You know how many that is! So many!

I wonder why I've never been asked to write for a professional comic book blog? Probably because of nepotism. My penis agrees! Nepotism is an anagram for Tom Penis. That's going to be my next Roller Playing character's name!

This issue begins with Batman, The Red Death, explaining what the Dark Multiverse is. Apparently it's the same as the regular Multiverse except it's formed from timelines where you acted on all of your terrible thoughts. I guess that means all the Infinite Worlds in the DC Multiverse are good? Even the one where the Nazis rule? Or does Batman, The Red Death, mean even worse thoughts than Nazism? Like putting M&Ms into your butthole? Whoops! I just made a Dark Multiverse World by thinking that! Also I must be in the Dark Multiverse for reasons that I won't make clear or else you're going to think, "Gross!"

Batman, The Red Death, must have been a comedian before he became Batman, The Red Death, because he begins by telling a joke. His joke is the explanation of the Dark Multiverse that I just explained. He says that no one on "this side" (meaning the Upside-Down!) is laughing. It's funny (or not funny?) but I wasn't laughing either! Oh! That might be proof that I'm in the Dark Multiverse! Also I've just discovered that M&Ms don't just melt in your mouth!

This story takes place on Earth -52. Unless it's Earth-52? No, I think the Dark Multiverse uses negative numbers. Besides, there isn't an Earth-52 according to the Multiversity Guidebook. Either way, editorial should have realized that the naming convention of using a dash to indicate the number of the Earth would be confusing for negative worlds. Shouldn't it be Earth--52? No wait. That looks like something Howard Mackie would write!

According to what I just learned about the birth of Dark Multiverse Worlds, regular non-dark Batman has contemplated killing The Flash and stealing his powers.

As you can see, Batman has murdered all of Flash's enemies and stolen their weapons. Also he's decided to wear Captain Cold's glasses because they're cool. That pun was seriously unintended. Also, is "pun intended" a pun on "unintended"?

One of the reasons I stopped reading Joshua Williamson's Flash comic book was because he doesn't understand how to write a character with The Flash's ability. Case in point:

This is the kind of portrayal of superspeed that refuse to make excuses for, unlike most comic book fans who will bend over backwards to explain how this happened. I'm not saying I can't think up reasons for how Batman got the jump on The Flash here. I'm saying I refuse to because they're all stupid.

Batman straps The Flash to the hood of his Cosmic Battreadmill and they race off into the Speed Force so Batman can steal it. Apparently the chains holding The Flash to the hood of the Battreadmill are made from Unvibratanium so The Flash can't phase out of them. Dammit! There I go making stupid excuses for Josh's inability to write The Flash! I hate myself.

Batman and The Flash ride into the Speed Force and become one. Exactly like couples on their honeymoons do! I'm assuming. Also I don't know what couples do on their honeymoon. I'm assuming it's either sex or Settlers of Catan.

Now that the prelude is over and we've learned how Batman, The Red Death, came to be (basically he and Flash fucked while time traveling through the Speed Force thus merging themselves into one grotesque Batflash), the story shifts to Gotham City on Earth-Main-Earth (that's the Earth that is the main Earth and not Earth Negative Main Negative Earth!). Joshy Williamson makes sure to throw in a bunch of speech bubbles from the media declaring this the worst moment ever in Gotham City's entire history. That must mean things are really bad because they've been super bad before! Remember Knightfall? And No Man's Land? And every time The Joker reappears? And the Night of the Talons? And last Thursday?

Oh wait. I was wrong. The scene takes place in Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two's Gotham City. I was confused even though I shouldn't have been confused because when I saw the page declaring "Gotham City," my first thought was, "Shouldn't they have said 'Gotham City. Earth-Main-Earth'?" But they didn't because it's Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two. Which, using logic and rationality, I should have realized by my first thought! I wish I were better at logic and rational thinking. Instead I'm only good at hiding M&Ms and screaming at the futility of existence.

Batman, The Red Death, kills all of the Gotham villains but that doesn't help save the world. I think there's a message there about violence! Or maybe not since comic books always solve all of their problems with violence. Anyway, Earth-Negative-Fifty-Two is about to die when Batjoker arrives to offer Batman, The Red Death, a way out. He accepts and they're off on a multiversal road trip to clean up Scott Snyder's poor plot points in his New 52 Batman run.

Earth-Negative-Zero? That doesn't make any sense! EDITORIAL!

Batman, The Red Death, arrives in Central City of Earth-Main-Earth and turns Iris and New 52 Wally West into old people. Barry tries to save them but is kidnapped by Doctor Fate before the big Flash vs. Bad Flash fight takes place. I should thank Doctor Fate because I'm sick of The Flash constantly battling other speedsters. Remember that thing about Joshua not being able to write The Flash? It seems the only way he can think to challenge The Flash is by having him fight other speedsters (who are usually from the future). When two speedsters fight, it isn't as exciting as you'd think. It's basically just like when two drunks begin brawling at a bar. If both combatants are fast, where's the comic book excitement? It just comes down to which one knows the better martial arts.

Batman The Red Death #1 Rating: Five stars! Don't get too excited. That's out of fifty! The Red Death's moral to this story is that one bad day can break a person and thus a world. That's his coffee shop philosophy on the topic of life. We all go about having a great time but then one bad day kicks the shit out of us and we all give up, throw in the towel, and become total monsters. The only problem with having this character espouse this philosophy is that this character — even the Dark Multiverse version — is based on Batman. And Batman is the epitome of showing how one truly terribly horrible bad day doesn't break a person at all. I mean, okay, mentally maybe it does because Batman is clearly insane! But it didn't break him to the point of giving up on the world or becoming a monster. It turned him into a beacon of hope and change and justice! I suppose the point is that Batman hasn't truly experienced a really bad day yet. That day will come when all of his beloved sons, as well as Jason Todd, are killed and/or Batman chooses to shove a bag of M&Ms up his asshole.

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