Sunday, October 8, 2017

Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1

These Metal Tie-in covers remind me of copy protection on late 80s, early 90s computer games that used code wheels and color shifting technology to keep people from copying the passwords.

Why did somebody at DC Comics choose all the writers that I find mediocre to do these Dark Nights issues? So far there's been Frank Tieri, Joshua Williamson, and now Sam Humphries? At least they could have made this more entertaining for me by choosing terrible writers like Ann Nocenti, Howard Mackie, or J.T. Krul! Who chooses the most bland and boring writers for a series that's supposed to be orgasm enducing exciting?! Unless I've got a condition where yawning causes me to spontaneously jizz my pants, this series is going to be boner free.

This cover might be the first time I've seen somebdoy draw a male superhero with a thigh gap. Is that really Bruce Wayne in there? Maybe the top half is Bruce Wayne and the bottom half is Jessica Cruz. Oh man. I was wrong about the lack of boners!

This story takes place on Earth--32. That's Earth-Negative-32 and not Earth Em Dash 32. Although is it Earth En Dash Minus Sign 32 or Earth Hyphen Minus Sign 32? I would know if I gave a shit about actual grammar. At least I give more of a shit about it than Howard Mackie or his DC editors! That should give me a couple of points with the Nazis. I mean the Grammar Nazis and not the Eugenics Crazy Fun Bag Nazis! I don't want any points with them! Although if some Nazis were thrown onto my team in Halo's Big Team Battle, I suppose I would want their points to help our team win. So I guess what I'm saying is it comes down to the specific situation and the kinds of points were talking about.

On the Internet, you can't ask stupid questions that you already know the answer to just because you find it funny because everybody will see it as an opportunity to show you how smart they are. Well, I want everybody to know you don't have to answer any of the questions I asked in the previous paragraph. And if any family members are reading this, I don't want you to feel embarrassed by me because you now think I would replace an em dash with two hyphens! I've memorized the alt code for creating an em dash — Alt-0151! — and know some of the proper occasions for its use! I think!

On Earth-Negative-32, Bruce Wayne was given a Green Lantern ring as he knelt in his parents blood in Crime Alley. He immediately used the ring to kill Joe Chill by overpowering the limits on the ring with the greatest willpower that has ever existed in any fake universe that never really existed ever. I guess Earth-Negative-32 was born when young Bruce Wayne wished that he had killed his parents killer rather than just pissing his pants and weeping. Not that I'm making fun of that reaction! I think pissing your pants and weeping is the proper reaction to a whole host of experiences, none of which even come close to watching your parents murdered.

Apparently the First Law of the Green Lantern Corps is "Lethal force not permitted." I thought their First Law was either "Overcome all fear" or "Agree that Sinestro is a dick." What's the Second Law of Green Lantern Corps? "Don't fuck the aliens that look like goats"? You probably thought I was going to make a Fight Club joke there, didn't you? And maybe I did! You don't know that not fucking goats wasn't one of the Fight Club rules.

You didn't have to be alone, stupid. You do know what "corps" means, right?

I guess this is how this Dark Universe came into being. Bruce's thoughts when his parents died were "I would give anything to not feel powerless or alone." So a world was created where he got the universe's most powerful weapon and joined a large cosmic family. The only problem is he fucked it all up. I guess that's what happens when your timeline skews into the Dark Multiverse where it doesn't really exist.

Here's an example of Sam Humphries' fine writing:

Gordon: "Green Lantern. Wasn't sure you'd show up."
Green Lantern: "Gordon. I advise you to remain polite with me. The last cop who threatened me regretted it..."

Did I miss the threat in there? Or even Gordon's being impolite? It must have been in his tone.

This is another story of another universe where Batman chose to kill his enemies. I guess that's the main reason for all of Batman's Dark Earths. There must be an infinite amount of them since I'm pretty sure he thinks about killing every time he battles a villain. But then he doesn't because he knows, like an addict, just one murder will open the floodgates and he'll soon be drunk on corpses.

Eventually, the Green Lantern Corps notice something wrong with the ring sent to Earth. They head down to stop it and the entire corps is killed by Bruce Wayne. That's when he decides he doesn't want to be Green Lantern anymore. He decides to be Batman the Dawnbreaker which makes sense for some reason. I thought for a second that I knew what that reason was but then I read The Dawnbreaker's oath and I shit myself laughing.

It doesn't even maintain a proper rhythm! And that's the best part of it!

As Bruce discovers his new name, look, and oath, Earth-Negative-32 disintegrates all around him. But Batjoker turns up to recruit him to Barbatos's army. So now he's on his way to fuck up Earth-Main-Earth along with the rest of the Dark Bats.

Batman the Dawnbreaker decides to destroy Coast City but he makes a mistake. Before he can begin his murder spree, he vandalizes the Welcome to Coast City sign which completely pisses off Hal Jordan for some reason. I mean, how the hell did Hal even notice? It's not like he's ever on Earth anymore!

Hal loses the battle immediately but Doctor Fate rescues him. Doctor Fate is building a Justice League to save the Multiverse. It's weird though that he's only gathering Justice League members. I mean, he's kind of ripping off their idea, no?

Dark Nights: Batman the Dawnbreaker #1 Rating: One out of Ten Green Lantern Oaths. By darkest oath, by darkest oath! No darkest oath can darkest oath! Quoth the oath, Nevermore! Okay, so I'm as bad at creating oaths as Sam Humphries and Geoff Johns! Sue me! I mean, don't actually sue me because I can't afford an attorney. Also I don't think you can sue me for not being able to write an oath while still criticizing the ability of others to write oaths! This is America, dammit! The land of lawsuits! I mean the land of freedom!

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