Sunday, October 15, 2017

Team Titans #8

Deathwing's urine is black.

This might be the worst cover of a comic book I've ever seen. Although if it were an underground comic book that was full of penises and vaginas, it would probably be acceptable.

This issue begins a day after Nightwing was attacked by Possibly-Not-So-Raven. What has he been up to since then (besides drinking the blood of women)? Here's how the Narrator chooses to describe the previous day's events:

Judging by the construction of the sentence, I'm guessing the pleasures were part of what would have driven most men to suicide. I'm racking my brain trying to come up with something pleasurable that would make me want to kill myself. Eating a chocolate bar that tastes like getting a blowjob? I'm sure one of the pains that would make me want to kill myself is eating a chocolate bar that tastes like giving a blowjob.

I don't want anybody to think I'm down on giving blowjobs! Thank the maker that anybody, male or female, wants to give them! They are the true saints of this world. I'm just not one of those people. I don't think. Not like I've ever tried to put a penis that wasn't my own into my mouth.

Deathwing has been leaving corpses around the city drained of blood so that the Team Titans can suspect their teammate, Dagon. He is a vampire, after all. Hopefully somebody asks him if he's been killing people and he gets super upset that they'd suspect him because I love bullshit drama! It's why I watch Arrow! Or watched it, at least. I haven't even checked to see if the DC superhero shows have started. I think maybe I'm going to skip them this year. If I'm curious later, there's always Netflix.

This is the naked butt of alternate timeline Nightwing. It's from a timeline where his ass was just average.

Deathwing decides to change his costume because now he's cooler. For some reason, he keeps the terrible hair and the huge collar. The way he makes his costume more bad-ass is by baring his chest and piercing his left nipple. Plus spikes!

Deathwing looks like a vampire from Salem's Lot trying to look like a vampire from The Lost Boys.

Deathwing isn't the only problem the Team Titans must deal with this issue. They also have to deal with how boring and unfair school is and, once more, The Judge and Jury. They're busy judging scientists and killing them. Deathwing arrives and hires them. When you become a vampire, do you automatically become an asshole who likes hanging out with assholes and doing asshole things? Judging by this comic book and The Lost Boys, I'm going to guess yes. Unless your name is Lestat and then you just whinge and cry about how tough your life is. Why was Lestat anybody's favorite in Anne Rice's series? Louis was the best vampire! At least in the first book. I seem to remember liking another vampire in another book but I don't really remember them that well.

The Team Titans find Dagon and his new coven of vampires. I guess Dagon is just as much a dick as every other vampire. At least this is a better twist than Dagon getting upset that nobody trusted him. He wasn't to be trusted at all, the stupid vampire.

Meanwhile, Miri stayed home to wait for Dick. He arrives and the book ends with him about to murder her as they fuck. That should be an interesting issue.

Team Titans #8 Rating: Five sexy vampires out of fifteen Salem's Lot vampires. That's a pretty miserable score because one Salem's Lot vampire can probably murder an entire coven of sexy vampires. They're way too image conscious. Better to just look like a scary, undead freak so you don't have to worry about what people think when you enter their bedrooms and feast on them. Most of the bad score is due to the story and the way the narrator speaks directly to the reader but a bit of it is due to Jimenez's artwork. His style doesn't work for me at all. That's my way of saying it's terrible but in a way that lets me off the hook if somebody disagrees with me.

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