Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Team Titans #9

I bet Nightrider has the fattest cock.

I wonder if vampire cocks have tiny little teeth so they can suck you?

If the only evidence of human civilization after its collapse was my blog, I wonder what future cosmic archaeologists would think of Earth? I bet they'd conclude that it must have housed the greatest culture of all time and space, even if they were a bit obsessed with their own genitals.

Ugh! Where's the Comics Code Authority when you need them?!

Between the end of last issue and the beginning of this issue, Mirage put on a bra. That seems like a weird thing to do when you're about to have sex with somebody. "Wait, wait! My breasts don't have enough support for the raw fucking you're about to lay down on my asshole!" Oh, well when I put it that way, it makes sense. I guess I'm just like every other comic book loving nerd. I eagerly await the chance to make excuses for poor plotting and continuity errors!

The vampire at the end of the last issue apparently wasn't Nightrider even though it looked exactly like Nightrider. My mistake for believing the odds of a vampire from the past looking exactly like Dagon were greater than they actually were. Apparently vampires in their vampire form all look pretty much the same. Or it could be Phil Jimenez's art. He sort of draws like George Pérez if George Pérez were drawing with the pencil shoved into his butthole. I'm pretty sure I've seen him do that at a convention for twenty bucks.

Bloodlines has begun to be advertised in the current batch of comics I've been reading and I now know what people mean when they use the term "triggered."

After some bullshit where Deathwing abuses Mirage and Donna Troy kicks him out of the house and Battalion is (probably not really) devoured by vampires, Dagon gets a chance to hear the lead vampire's origin story. He was a scientist studying the hole in the ozone layer. But instead of coming up with a way to repair the ozone layer or to stop its depletion, he decided to dabble in genetics. He figured the ozone layer was a lost cause because people weren't going to give up their hairsprays and refrigerators. So instead he created a way to alter people's DNA so they could live under the harsh light of a non-ozone shielded sun. I've got to give him credit for thinking so far outside of the box that I can't even think of an analogy to describe it. Science: it can do anything nobody asked for!

This scientist was so bad at sciencing that instead of manipulating the genome to create a race of people that could survive under the harsh rays of the vile sun, he did the exact opposite. He tested it on himself and he became a vampire. But not only could he not bear the sun's rays (which you would think, if he were an adept scientist and we readers were able to suspend our disbelief enough to think that any of this genetic tampering would work anyway), he could shapeshift and needed to drink blood. I guess all of those genes are interconnected.

Dagon drinks some blood not realizing it's Battalion's. Now he's one of the bad vampires! It's too bad he didn't go to school like the rest of the Team Titans so he could become a total heartthrob that all the girls would be dying to die for.

The Team Titans return to the Troy place to pick up Mirage but wind up discovering true terror: Terry Long in a robe. *SHUDDER*

Team Titans #9 Rating: This comic book isn't getting any better. I'm not really an art critic so I can't say what's wrong with Jimenez's art but there's something wrong with it. It's like when you look at a good painting and then your friend sends you a pic of their turd floating in a toilet bowl and then both images merge and you don't know what you've done with your life to arrive at this point. But I am a writing critic and Marv Wolfman's writing is the turd in your friend's pic.

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