Friday, October 13, 2017

New Titans #97

"Darkening" is a stupid word and its use here makes me think this is a parody comic book.

I think I just hit on why this run of the Titans was so terrible! It was an inadvertent parody comic book. In DC's effort to create their own X-men franchise, they attempted to paste together all the things they thought made the franchise so popular. What they got was a Frankenstein's monster of ideas and poorly written characters. I can't say that the X-men was any better at the time since I didn't read it. But it didn't translate very well to DC's piss poor clone.

If people wonder why I've been conditioned to think Cyborg is boring, Beast Boy is a sexual predator, Nightwing is a whiny asshole, and Starfire is a raging rageaholic, look no further than this series! I read over one hundred issues of this shit for some reason. I think it's because my brain wasn't fully formed! I began reading this comic book at about thirteen. By the time this issue comes out, I'd be twenty-one. I guess my brain was formed enough at this point that I probably should have realized it was terrible. But to be fair to my brain, it was now being inundated with alcohol and LSD. So it was having trouble communicating to me how terrible Marv Wolfman's writing was.

The issue begins with Garfield stealing his father's Mento helmet for The Brotherhood of Evil. They've promised to restore Cyborg in exchange. More like they're probably going to put The Brain inside Cyborg's body! Think these things through, Garfield!

Next, Kory gets angry at Dick because he was raped by Mirage.

Kory is gross.

You might think I'm coloring the past by today's standards but I read this nearly 25 years ago when it was new and it was just as terrible back then. You can't be angry at a guy for liking the rape sex! I don't think. Can you? Now I'm confused. I suppose Kory is masking her victim blaming by taking the whole "you don't love me enough to recognize my vagina" tack which still seems cruel. I'm pretty sure if I was blindfolded and you stuck a bunch of vaginas on my penis, I don't think I'd be able to tell which one was the Non-Certified Spouse's vagina. We should probably test my theory! I wonder if the Non-Certified Spouse would be up for some science this weekend?

Kory decides to break up with Dick while telling him that he deserves to be with his rapist. Stay classy, Starfire!

"If I had a girlfriend like that, I'd totally avoid being raped!"

In all seriousness though (because rape is a serious subject), a guy being fucked by a woman without his consent isn't always the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it's just as bad which is why I'm not supposed to say things like that previous sentence. But sometimes? It's just more sex with women that a guy wasn't expecting! That's nearly always a good thing! I'm speaking from personal experience so you can't attack me for that opinion! Unless I'm just suppressing my pain and anger at waking up to that woman fucking me that one time. No, no. I don't think I am. I'm not suggesting women should use that move though! At least not for a first time. I actually am suggesting that move for people who are already in an intimate relationship because it's pretty hot.

Aw geez. Now Dick's blaming himself! Good fucking job, Kory!

Marv Wolfman has no idea how to deal with rape sensitively! I should know. Have you been reading the way I've been dealing with it?!

So this is how darkening happens! You make deals with criminals to save your best boring friend's life. You get super angry that your boyfriend was fooled into fucking another woman. You get blamed for enjoying the rape sex by your girlfriend! And probably some other things although I don't know if there are really any Titans left after that Titans Hunt story arc. I guess Pantha and Baby Wildebeest?

However much sympathy I had for Dick as his days were beginning to darken, it all went out the window after he calls Alfred to help solve his problems.

"When you talk to her, her head echoes"? Fuck you, Dick! I stand with Kory!

On the next page, Raven decides it's time to take care of Councilwoman Alderman once and for all. So she rapes her. Look, Marv Wolfman wrote this comic book and he called it "The Darkening." Did you expect less rape?

This is how Kory wanted Dick to react, I guess.

Nightwing meets with Speedy (now going by Super Special Secret Sauce Agent Roy Harper of Checkmate) to discuss how the government hates the Titans. I don't blame them. They're almost to issue #100 and I think they've maybe acted heroically about four times? Every other time they're called into action it's simply to defend themselves. The city would be attacked less if they simply moved to the country.

There's a scene in Azarath where the person I thought was Raven stomps on Raven's bones and destroy's Phantasm's mask. So unless it's Evil Raven trying to separate herself from her humanity, I suppose I was wrong about accusing Raven of raping the Councilwoman. I don't remember who this is. I hope they don't spend twenty issues revealing who it is. They already did that bullshit in the Wildebeest story.

Finally, Plasmus reveals the plans of The Brotherhood of Evil. They will use the Mento helmet to revive The Brain and take over the world!

When did Mallah go punk? Or is that New Wave?

New Titans #97 Rating: Zero stars out of one star. You might think that's a better score than zero stars out of a million stars but you'd be wrong. Zero is a funny thing, you know? Nothing in this issue interested me which means it's a mystery as to why I purchased issue #98. I guess because I couldn't not find out how The Darkening ended?! It's so mysterious!

Who thinks anything in comic books is an accurate representation of anything in real life? Paul N. Hicks, I'm shaking my damn head at you from twenty five years in the future.

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