Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Justice League 3001 #10

All women are beautiful in their own way! On an unrelated note, does anybody know how to clean vomit out of a keyboard?

Rating: This is a comic book that works on its own. It's in its own little universe doing its own little thing and not bothering any of the actual DC continuity. That means people who don't give a shit about DC continuity but enjoy a fairly entertaining book loaded with characters they'll recognize from the Preboot days might enjoy this series. But for people who just want to read books that are canon so that they can know everything about the "actual" DC Youniverse, this book can be ignored. Because who needs to read something that won't bolster your knowledge of DC with which you can "actually" your friends whenever they mention any DC hero at all? What a huge waste of time!

• All the male members of the Justice League 3001 have been killed. Probably been killed. Most likely been "comic book killed" which means they'll be back at a later date. Except this future universe has probably run out of later dates due to Rebirth. So I guess they're all really dead.

• Nobody really cares that they're dead because they're not part of any real DC continuity!

• Who saw this week's Supergirl starring The Flash? Isn't it interesting how that team-up basically happened the same weekend as Batman Loves Superman was playing in theaters? And isn't it interesting how it showed the kind of super hero team-up that people enjoy? They were so fucking adorable together! No misunderstandings. No punches. No arguments. Just ice cream and hugs! Why can't Superman and Batman play nice like that?

• This issue is called "To Have and Have G'nort". Uh oh.

• I didn't realize this at the time but Scott Lobdell wrote the G'nort stories in the Green Lantern Corps Quarterly books back in the nineties. They were just as awful as you're imagining they were. And if you weren't just now imagining how awful they were and were thinking, "Really? I need to find back issues of those!", fuck you.

• G'nort appears and he's over one thousand years old. Just imagine how old that is in dog years!

• If you can do math, you don't have to imagine how many years that is because you can figure it out. Although I can't stand the whole concept of "dog years" or "cat years". It's not like they're somehow zipping around the sun seven times faster than humans. And if you're going to tell me that my fifteen year old cat is equivalent to a hundred and five year old person, I'd point out that I've never seen an elderly human jump up on the kitchen counter from a standstill. And most three to seven year old humans can't get pregnant. How about we all just agree to talk about animals in their actual ages. Because I pretty much know what to expect from a thirteen year old cat if you just tell me its thirteen. But if you're going to tell me it's 91, I won't say anything for a bit as I try to divide by seven and figure out the cat's actual, non-stupid age.

• G'nort works for Larfleeze scavenging worlds that Lady Styx has reduced to rubble.

• Supergirl's new costume makes it look like she's wearing a belt to hold up her vagina.

• Meanwhile, Lady Styx has Eclipso working with the Legion of Super-villains to destroy the Justice League 3001. Remember when Eclipso was just a piece of shit nobody but then DC decided they wanted to make him some kind of powerful godlike threat? So they had the big Eclipso Crossover Summer Annual Event and it was...well, it was just about as good as all of their other big summer annual crossover events: not very. Shit, it was so poorly thought out that Eclipso's hideout was on the dark side of the moon and to defeat him, the super heroes had to reflect the sun's light onto his headquarters. In comic book terms, that meant a big plan that was tough to pull off. In real world terms, that meant waiting until the moon orbited the earth so that the "dark side" was facing the sun.

• This issue has a back-up feature starring Lois Lane and Ariel Masters on a pleasure planet! Oh boy!

• Hmm. That's not the kind of pleasure I was hoping for.

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