Tuesday, March 22, 2016

Green Arrow #50

This scene has "ends in a blow job" written all over it.

Rating: -1 Ranking to fall to 45 out of 51 DC Comics. That translates to "shit you'll regret wasting your time on on your deathbed." I don't mind wasting my time reading Green Arrow so I can warn other people away from it. I have much worse things than my comic book choices which I'll be regretting on the day of my death.

• Recently in Green Arrow, Benjamin Percy has been writing shitty morality tales trying to get the attention of the Tumblr audience. I guess he doesn't have enough people shitting all over the things he writes. Sure, he's got me! And everybody who comments on my Green Arrow posts. And probably more people outside the sphere of my attention (which, admittedly, isn't very big because I'm only concerned with things that affect me). Ben has made Green Arrow into a clueless rich white heterosexual male (I mean, he was already those things! But I've added the "clueless" part to describe Ben's Ollie plus some more stuff that I'll continue with after this parenthetical reference ends) who is learning all about his privilege and about being a minority. Is he learning this lesson by helping make his city a better place for those who have had the hardest time? Is he learning the lesson by reaching out to advocacy groups to find out how he can help? Is he searching his soul for things he can do with his advantages to help others? No. He's simply contracted Werewolf AIDS and suddenly knows what it feels like to be discriminated against.

• That was a long bullet point! I'm not sure if it qualifies as a bullet point if it's just a paragraph about stuff.

• Green Arrow is into eating testicles.

• Some people actually came back to reading Green Arrow monthly when Percy took over the writing. Ha ha. That's funny. I wish I had stopped reading it after J.T. Krul's first issue. It's only been 49 issues of downhill since then!

• The Wargs (as a non-lupine human, should I be using that word?) are spreading their wolfy disease all over the city by donating their blood to blood banks and/or payday lenders.

• The guy who owns all the Blood Pawn Shops is about 130 years old. He must be the bad guy because he's an old, rich, white male.

• Henry Fyff is too fat to find a sweatshirt which covers his stomach. Ha ha! Fat people are so funny! He's not constantly eating yet in this issue but I'm pretty sure that's something he does. Because he's fat. I mean, skinny people eat too. But they eat so little that it usually happens off-panel.

• Henry Fyff has reprogrammed a racist drone for Green Arrow's use.

• Apparently people want to destroy whatever is different.

• People want to believe the world is worse than it really is so they seek out news that confirms their beliefs. This is why the internet is crap. Anybody can find every reason in the world to make them believe everything is going to shit. If I were in charge of search engines, it wouldn't matter what topic a person put in because my search engine would just return pornography.

• Doctor Miracle is some guy that travels the world healing people while sad music plays. His blood cures whatever ails somebody. So of course everybody wants a piece of it. Even if they think he's a witch. I mean, do you want to die or do you want witch blood all up inside of you?

• Green Arrow admires the Wargs' plan of infecting everybody. "There's no more hate if you erase the differences between us," he says. Oh yeah? Well remember when Anthrax said if we were all blind and had no choice, would we hate each other by the tone of our voice? Schism! Sch-sch-sch-schism!

• Lately, the ethical dilemmas in the Green Arrow comic book have been laughably simple. "If the Wargs infected everybody, it would be a big party because nobody would be angry about being infected at all! They'd just join Team Dog! Did you also know that being racist is wrong? You know what else is bad? Violent cops! I know, I know! I'm being super controversial here! But it has to be said!"

• The Masked Presidents (it's a metaphor for their racism, see? White males in power!) arrive at the blood bank that Ollie is investigating and begin pissing on the werewolves' motorcycles. That's a metaphor too!

That isn't all you want at all! You want to infect everybody in Seattle! Also, you're not "my people"! You're just a bunch of dissimilar individuals who all have the same disease! Talk about a needy bunch of assholes desperate to belong! But then, I guess they are dog people.

• When is Green Arrow going to stop the fighting and say something wise like "Both sides are wrong! We need to come together and stop being so wrong! Let's be right! Together!"

• Green Arrow doesn't know what to do because he can see both sides! So wise!

• Don't you hate people who constantly claim they can see both sides of an issue and refuse to take a side simply because they want to seem more open-minded than the next person? I hate those guys!

• Ollie doesn't play hero because he doesn't completely agree with either side and decides that whatever violence they do to each other is deserved. What a baby.

• Since Ollie doesn't know what to do, he decides he needs a good dose of Youthsplaining. Emiko tells him what's what! Oh, those modern teenagers! So wise! Did I use "wise" correctly? It means "being somebody you aren't and doing things you probably wouldn't do because it's how everybody else seems to be doing it and living in constant fear of being ostracized from your group for saying one wrong thing" right? Oh wait! That's peer pressure! Teenagers have always been victims of that! But now peer pressure is causing them to be self-righteous a-holes!

• Oliver decides to live as a werewolf because being simply Green Arrow was way too fucking boring. I mean, it worked for like sixty years or something. Just like how Aquaman didn't work for decades until Cullen Bunn came along and made him into a totally different character with tons of magic powers and a weapon that could be anything! So much better than a guy who can speak with fish!

• Deathstork arrives to make this comic book more exciting (just in case Green Werewolf wasn't doing it for you).

• Deathstork is trying out for Strictly Come Dancing.

• Deathstork is hunting the Miracle Worker to save the really old man's life. Green Arrow decides to follow Deathstork because...I don't know. I guess Henry Fyff figured it all out or something. I may have missed a few pages and didn't bother to check because who the fuck can care about this comic book?

• Deathstork's name not only has "stork" in it, Emiko, but "death" as well. Did you not notice that part?

• Oliver says Deathstork's kill count is like the number of stars in the sky or the number of grains of sand on a beach. Wrong. It's actually only about 943.

• Ollie, Emiko, and George get shot out of the sky over Africa by Deathstork while hunting for Doctor Miracle. I bet they wind up working together!

• The mayor of Seattle decides to put the Wargs in camps. Oh my god! Like concentration camps! I'm so outraged! I mean, I would be if I had never heard of the concept of quarantining.

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