New Guardians #14

Looks like there's a new Guy in town!

That caption was because I've been reading old issues of Shade the Changing Man and get to read all the old adverts for movies and new comics from the early nineties.

Too bad the Yellow Corps' rings weren't imprinted with Guy's "G" instead of an image representing Arkillo's sphincter.

Let me apologize to anyone that found this commentary and thought they were going to dive directly into some kind of review of The New Guardians and the big Rise of the Third Army crossover because that isn't going to happen. The title of this comic book got me thinking about a universal police force and exactly how fucked up that would be. How do you police billions of different cultures even if you have a ring that translates for you and interprets local customs and mores? You still can't really relate to the people you're policing. And what about the percentage of assholes that simply care about the power they wield? The Green Lantern rings mostly judge a person on how well they overcome great fear. The ring isn't looking for honest people, or compassionate people (that's a different color ring altogether!), or even intelligent people. It simply wants the bravest jerks out there.
Even here in America where we're all living under the same umbrella of laws, the police can't treat everyone equally and with respect simply because each police officer's background can vary so wildly from every single individual he or she encounters. And just like the Green Lantern Corps, the police training academy isn't exactly looking for kindness, honesty, and compassion. Sure, they'll call all sorts of public relations conferences to say differently but if it were true, police officers would more generally be thought of as assets to the community rather than untrusted sticks-in-the-mud ready to beat the shit out of anyone that rolls their eyes.

What if you lived in a sector of space that was patrolled by a brave Green Lantern who was the laziest guy in the universe? My girlfriend recently received a parking ticket in Portland even though she had the parking receipt stuck to her window. The police officer wrote on the ticket that he checked both windows. An obvious lie because why? He was actually just too lazy to walk around to the other side of the car? Did he just glance through the car at the other window and didn't see it, so he lied on the ticket to make it seem like he was thorough? Whatever the case, he just didn't care enough to really do his job. But he cared enough to cover his ass on the ticket. My girlfriend took pictures and paid the fine with a letter of protest. Just this week, she got a check refunding the amount. But what about that lazy ass cop? Do you want him in an altercation with a mentally ill person? Should this guy have access to a gun? I ask that because if he can't be bothered to walk around a car, is he really going to be bothered to have the patience to avoid violence as a first resort in an altercation?

I think I'm finally on the side of the Guardians of the Universe! Get rid of that fucking Green Lantern Corps, those self-righteous pricks!

Finally getting around to the comic book, it begins with Kyle Raynor having just learned to harness Compassion. Too bad he's also already learned to use Rage as a tool. And he's going to learn Fear this issue as well. But then he'll temper that with Love. I know he's learning all of these things as tools to be used one at a time but it just seems like he's going to be a chemically-imbalanced chaotic mess when everything is done.

Well then. I guess you can't have Love without Rage either. Excuse me for a second while I go punch my girlfriend in the vagina.

Indigo-1 gives Kyle some more poorly thought out bullshit, cliche lessons about emotions before she teleports back to her homeworld to oversee the making of the rings of compassion that will be forced on the Guardians of the Universe. Kyle has now learned that love and rage are the same thing. Compassion isn't exactly a good emotion. Good cannot exist without evil. Love is the most dangerous and unpredictable emotion. Fear is a healthy reaction. And everyone is an asshole. Indigo-1 is the second worst Yoda ever just after Yoda.

After Kyle is done learning about compassion, he heads off to Space Sector 674 to visit Arkillo on the Planet Vorn. According to my notes, Vorn is actually in Space Sector 676. Come on, DC! Don't you even know the layout of your own fucking universe?! When Rayner finds Arkillo, he decides to torment him for a bit.

I think Kyle already has the hang of this fear thing. Next!

Kyle Rayner actually has no idea how the Yellow Lanterns work. Turns out all he has to do is admit that he's always scared and voila! He's now a Yellow Lantern! How could it have taken him so long to learn this secret after countless hours of children's programming has been devoted to teaching people that bullies are the biggest cowards of them all?! And Kyle finally admits that he's a Green Lantern not because he doesn't feel fear but because, like the ring says, he has the power to overcome the great fear that he has. Just like Guy. And John. And Hal. They all have very serious issues that might paralyze other people into inaction. But these guys manage to fight through the fear every day. Kyle admits that he's afraid of failing the universe. He's afraid of getting another girlfriend stuffed into another refrigerator. And he's probably afraid of spending the last good years of his artistic life drawing comic books written by Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco.

Kyle finishes his Yellow Lantern Training and Carol zips by to pick him up. They fly off to find Arkillo so Kyle can learn a little something about selfishness.

This is the face Arkillo makes as he stares at Carol's ass when she flies off.

After seeing Carol's assets from behind, Arkillo decides to tag along with Kyle and Carol. He figures when they find Hal Jordan, they'll also find Sinestro. And then he can kill him because he loves him and love can only exist with rage and murder.

New Guardians #14 Ranking: No change. I'm not a fan of Andrei Bressan's art in this book. It reminds me of the mediocre art of the 1980s which caused the grim and line-filled Image art renaissance of the 1990s. Also, if Kyle is to become the greatest Lantern of all time, I think he'll need a little more training than learning standard bullshit sayings about emotions.