Legion Lost #14

This issue needed two pencillers and four inkers. And one inker is obviously using a pseudonym. "Von Grawbadger?" Come on!

Legion Lost is another one of those commentaries where I can write whatever the fuck comes to mind since nobody is reading this comic book and nobody even cares what is going on in it. You can tell because it's crossing over with Superboy (which sucks) and The Ravagers (which is awful). DC seems to think a good strategy for selling comics is to take one of the worst comic books they publish and force that comic book's fans to read two more shitty series as well. I've said it before because I believe it wholeheartedly: DC Comics hates its readership. Do you need more proof than this garbage crossover? Go read Hawkman:Wanted in Green Arrow, Hawkman, and Deathstroke.

I'm probably just asking to have the Superboy fandom jump all over me again by using him as a search tag on this comic. But he's in it so what the fuck do they expect? And anyway, those idiots can't tell when I'm on their side? Some people are so fucking touchy that they ignore anything you're saying and immediately get on the defensive. My whole point about getting Superboy canceled is because the writer sucks. I didn't say Superboy sucks! You'd think they'd want the comic to be canceled so Superboy can end up being written by somebody that actually cares about him.

At least Legion Lost is cancelled. Although I'm not exactly thrilled to be getting a Vibe monthly comic book. I think he's replacing Blue Beetle. Unless that's racist. If it is racist, you should blame DC and not me! Just because I noticed they're cancelling one title with a Hispanic lead and replacing it with another title with a Hispanic lead, that doesn't make me racist! It makes me observant! And cynical! Although for all I know, Vibe is going to be a 4th generation Vietnamese-American living with his gay grandfather and fifteen cockatoos. I should probably replace "cockatoo" with "parakeet" since some people might think I just chose that bird because the word "cock" was in it. I assure you that wasn't my intention. I just type whatever my brain tells me to type. Stupid racist, insensitive brain! It's not my fault!

Wait a second. I finally was able to tear my eyes away from the name "von Grawbadger" to see that Harvest is fighting alongside Superboy and The Ravagers and Legion Lost. I guess Harvest really does need to save them to make sure Tim Drake becomes a vampire mega-overlord of a future world.

Normally I would guess what Tom DeFalco's first page would be: splash, narration boxes introducing the character, static image. But I already saw the first page when I was looking for the credits and the first names of the creative team.

At least it didn't start with, "My name is Superboy."

The Legion of Super-heroes is so familiar with time travel, why would the discovery that one of them dies in the past be an unbelievable idea? Oh! I know why! Let me answer my own question! It's not that his dying in the past is unbelievable. It's that he would die at all is unbelievable! Legion is composed of young people and young people find it impossible to actually believe in their own mortality. It's simply a vague notion that hangs about in their mind. They know everybody dies and they can easily say that they'll die someday but they don't feel it at all. It isn't an impending possibility that they need to worry about. It's something on their to-do list but it's so far in the future, it occupies no space in their mind. So of course Tyroc didn't believe the prophecy. His own death? Nonsense!

Last issue, I speculated that Daggor was similar to Galactus, at least in the world-destroying aspects. But now I don't think Daggor is even the Cosmic Butcher!

He's more like the Silver Surfer. Except he's the Red Dragon Rider.

The Science Police guy, Captain Adym, continues to proclaim that he came from the future, drawn to this place and time due to some Break Point that "threatens the very fabric of reality." That's some story, sir. But I'm not buying it because The New 52 is based on Flash Point which put a stop to time travel and I won't allow DC to just start slipping in moments where people are suddenly time traveling again. Like this. Or like over in the Justice League International Annual #1 where a future time traveling Booster Gold appears to the present time traveling Booster Gold. And I'm really trying not to remember Superman suddenly appearing on Krypton while watching his parents and believing he's going to somehow save it. I really don't give a shit about some kind of overarching continuity since it seems to stifle more creativity than it helps create. But if you're going to proclaim something to be so, DC, I expect you to stick to it and be consistent.

Captain Adym puts out a priority alert because he doesn't trust that Legion can defeat the Red Dragon Rider. Jocelyn Lure gets the alert which confirms that she's a member of the Science Police's Echo Team. Harvest also gets the alert which confirms that he's stolen a Science Police Scanner and other 31st Century Technology (because he's future Vampire Tim Drake!). The Ravagers don't get an alert even though they're on the cover. But that's because Superboy is with them and Jocelyn is going to tell Superboy to get his ass to Arizona and The Ravagers will feel compelled to help him out.

This is the first panel on page seven. In the previous six pages, nobody says anything about being thankful or any other thing that sets up why Captain Adym would suddenly say this.

Legion has no chance against Daggor and his pet dragon, so they're suddenly in real trouble when Daggor produces thousands of robots that are "impervious to pain and heal from all injuries." I guess overwhelming numbers just wasn't going to do the trick for Tom DeFalco's story. He also had to set the robots up as fucking immortal. But don't worry, Legion! Back-up is coming!

It's all just part of his plan.

Harvest begins reaping robots but Legion needs to have a bit of a discussion if they should allow Harvest to help them. Because they have the luxury of not allowing him to help? How do they stop him simply to keep themselves feeling morally superior? Do they turn their attention to fighting him just so they can feel better about themselves? Let Daggor and his dragon and his thousands of robots destroy the world while they can sleep easier because they didn't fight alongside Harvest? Yeah, great discussion. Tyroc, being the leader, declares that Harvest has a deal! They will call a truce and fight side by side.

I wonder if they'll have to go through this whole fucking rigamarole when Superboy and The Ravagers show up? Remember how badly The Ravagers were traumatized by Harvest. They aren't going to suddenly show up and be convinced that he's their buddy for a few issues.

Chameleon Girl will have no part of saving the world if it means they have to not punch Harvest in the face to do so!

Superboy finally appears in this comic and he's no longer in California because DC Comics loves publishing comic books that spoil their own comic books.

Oh yay. I can look forward to The Ravagers and Superboy beating up Rose Wilson and Warblade again in the next two issues of The Ravagers.

Jocelyn Lure teleports Superboy to Arizona to help battle Daggor because Superboy promised to help her if she helped him. He doesn't want to go though because now that her part of the deal worked out, fuck her! He is only about a year old though. So he can't really be held responsible for any contracts he's forced to sign. He just doesn't have the mental ability to understand what he's getting into.

The Ravagers and Superboy seem to be getting along just great so they can't allow Superboy to be kidnapped! They follow him to Arizona so I can enjoy another few pages of people arguing with Harvest while Daggor and his Dragon are ignored.

I know I probably could have looked online for a key to the Kryptonian language, but I already know the letters for the phrase, "H'el on Earth," so I used the cover of Supergirl #14 as my Rosetta Stone. Harvest is saying, "isn't that right, Superboy?"

Now if we've all read Superboy #14, we know what's going to happen! This phrase turns Superboy into Harvester's Manchurian Candidate. Harvest will now use Superboy to attack Legion. I don't know if this counts as Harvest breaking the truce since nobody said he couldn't used brainwashed soldiers against Legion. Or maybe the truce was already broken when Chameleon Girl attacked Harvest after Tyroc said they had a deal.

Harvest uses Superboy to attack the robot threat and not Legion. At least in this issue! I guess Harvest had to trigger Superboy with his subliminal implant to avoid more pages being taken up by everyone bitching about siding with Harvest. I don't blame them though. After what Harvest did to them and the supposed threat he is to the world, Legion, Superboy and The Ravagers could just as easily team up with Daggor to take out Harvest.

Actually, I think that's a better plan! At one point, Timber Wolf drops the whole "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" cliche in support of teaming up with Harvest idea. But that great piece of wisdom holds true in supporting Daggor as well! Legion is stupid. Take out Harvest while you have the chance! The Justice League can stop The Cosmic Butcher when it arrives. Stop trying to take on more than your little New 52 title can handle.

For a time expert, Captain Adym sure has a poor understanding of time. One timeline can't be threatened, you stupid fuck. It just diverges into a new timeline. The old timeline would still exist so you've just come back in time to fix nothing. All you've done is created another timeline where you come back in time. The one where you don't come back in time and everything falls apart still exists. Hey, you're the asshole who brought up timelines! At least know how they fucking work if you're going to try to "fix" them.

This whole "fixing timelines" issue is why I was never interested in watching the television show "Sliders." The whole premise of the show was that they had to save any number of alternate timelines where a catastrophe threatens to destroy them or change them. The only problem with that is, according to the theory of multiple timelines, all possibilities exist. Therefore the timelines where they fail to save the timelines also exist. And the timeline where they never even realize the timeline needs help and never show up also exists. And the timeline where they show up and cause the timeline to be destroyed through their manipulation of changing timelines also exists. See? It's all masturbation at that point. If you can suddenly slide across all timelines, you're not actually affecting any timelines. You're just opening up more possible timelines with your technology. Hell, you're not even doing that! All those possible timelines already exist!

Captain Adym learns about Superboy as Tellus mentally uploads everything to Adym's brain. This just gives Captain Adym more to worry about! Then Harvest calls Captain Adym by name, Nathaniel Adym. Is this guy Legion's Captain Atom? What the hell?

Do you mean you're going to tell him why you created Superboy now and the answer will, over time, sink in and eventually shock the Captain? Or do you mean eventually when you finally decide to tell him the answer, he'll be shocked? Being familiar with Tom DeFalco's use of secrets, I think we all know the answer to this. Harvest will never answer the question.

After all of the sideline chaos going on and everyone pretty much just ignoring Lord Daggor, his plan finally comes to fruition. He grows some giant city-machine out of the desert. Gates freaks out and says he recognizes it and it's why he's covered in burns and scars. Oh, I didn't realize Gates was covered in burns and scars. I thought that was how he was supposed to look. Gates ends the issue declaring, "We're all destined to die!" and a mighty cheer erupted from my office.

Legion Lost #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Once again, I feel compelled to penalize any comic that goes against the strict "no time travel" mandate set up by Flashpoint. Not to mention all of the Timeline-saving nonsense going on in this thing. Such a shame it's being cancelled.