Green Lantern #14

Batman. Get out of the way. One stray punch from Superman and your head is gone.

Why did the Justice League feel the need to punch Green Lantern in the face upon first encountering him instead of simply engaging in conversation? Comics suggest that violence is always the first response to any kind of disagreement, no matter how ridiculous that disagreement is. Hell, there doesn't even have to be any conflict! Simon wants people to believe he's not a terrorist. And the Justice League want to know if he is or now? Why not just ask him politely to wear the lasso around one finger and answer a few questions? All sorted in four panels!

But no. How could a comic book with heroes talking be any good? Dialogue? Bah! Somebody hit someone! To be fair, the punching will probably have a lot of dialogue along with it. I think that's the main reason heroes punch each other in the face all of the time. Because speech bubbles can still happen at any pace at all while a bunch of crazy, exciting, fan-friendly violence happens at the same time. Light and sound have different speeds and physical effects in the static world of comic book pages. Just ask The Flash. He'll tell you all about it. As he runs faster than the speed of sound and punches you in face five thousand times.

But the big fight scene will have to wait! First up: a monologuing Guardian!

What if that being hates itself?

I hate the Guardians of Oa. Maybe I should say that I hate the way the Guardians of Oa have generally been written. They're powerful, so they constantly succumb to corruption. They're supposedly logical without emotion so every logical decision they make has to be flawed so the writers can show how important "being human" is. And yet their plans are almost always stupid even when looked at by an emotionless buffoon like me. If they want perfect order, why don't they just fucking destroy everything already? They hate chaos and yet they're always causing it. And why do they have it in their heads that the universe needs to be in "perfect order"? When has that ever been the case? Perhaps they see the laws of physics as order? And yet a set of rules that cannot be broken does not create an ordered universe. It is random and chaotic even if many things can be predicted if you know the basic laws governing matter and energy.

And why make all sentient beings of one mind? If sentient beings are the problem, why not abolish them completely instead of transforming them all into Borg Lanterns? I guess the Oans still need someone to do all of the heavy lifting. But even taking away free will, you still won't have perfect order! Eventually one of the Borg Lanterns is going to contract some crazy disease which will turn them all insane or make their skin melt off or cause them to jerk off on everyone they meet. Chaos happens!

My only wish is that by the end of The Third Army, the Guardians of the Universe will be destroyed and their tired scheming laid to rest.

I think I had more to say on the subject but Tumblr distracted me. I think the Third Army will just end up being like Tumblr anyway. It's kind of like a hive mind that loves and hates itself all at the same time.

Tumblrer #1: "Look at this! It's horrible!"
Reblog by Tumblrer #2: "You're horrible!"
Reblog by Tumblrer #3: "Tumblr!"

The Third Army is powered by an emotional, reality-bending monster. So emotion does have its uses!

Apparently the creature the Oans have been keeping in incarceration for billions of years is The Devil's Advocate. And they keep him nearby so that he can listen to and criticize all of their plans. That doesn't seem like a bad idea at all!

And souls? Bah! I'm so sick of people equating "sentience" and "individuality" to a soul. It's simply chemistry and biology. I guess that's why the Third Army can't fuck with a creature's eyes. Because the "souls" of the individuals are somehow remaining intact. Because my memory and experiences and anxieties and all of that other stuff that's stored as chemical and electrical data resides in my fucking eyeballs, the window of the soul.

This soul business must also be why the Oans are leaving non-sentient creatures alone. Although we could argue the term "sentient" at this point and whether or not other creatures should be included in this term. I would include them since I don't have the philosophical issue of the soul to deal with. As soon as you remove this specialness from humans, you have to seriously reconsider how people treat the creatures around them. Back in high school, the friend I always mention, Soy Rakelson, once asked me while we were biking, "Do you think animals have souls?" At which point I told him, "You're assuming that I believe people have souls." And that was the end of that conversation as he digested that information for a later discussion.

I really should write a comic book (or maybe some serious literature! Ha ha! Take that, Comic Books! (I think I may have hurt my own feelings)) with Soy Rakelson as the protagonist. It would be from his point of view and he would be doing everything he thought was right but the rest of the world would consider him an evil villain. And he'd never be able to see it. Right now, everyone reading this is thinking, "Who fucking cares? What happened to Green Lantern and Superman?" But those people who knew Soy Rakelson are thinking, "Right. Totally. Perfect."

I'm sure Gotham City Car Insurance probably has Super Hero Accident Coverage but Dearborn, Michigan? That driver is fucked.

And then it happens when Green Lantern asks the Justice League if they intend to fight him. I remember the reasons I like Geoff Johns as he makes me laugh out loud. I might have a problem with the way he paces some of the stuff he writes, but he's been pretty good with the comic book humour. Or humor if adding the "u" offends your American sensibilities.

I would have picked Aquaman but then I'm still willing to make Aquaman jokes.

Aquaman informs Simon that Green Lantern rings only pick a new recruit after the Green Lantern dies. And Flash says, "I hope it was Gardner." Fuck you, Barry! Why don't you go have a Crisis on Infinite Earths already?! I hope it was your mom! Oh! Is she already dad? I mean dead! Didn't mean to bring your dad into this. Although I couldn't anyway since he wasn't granted parole!

So the fight on the cover? The one I assumed could be bypassed with a little conversation and lasso plan? Yeah, they try that. The only problem is that Batman insists on the ring coming off the finger first. And while Simon doesn't seem to mind, Sinestro seems to have taken precautions against the ring being removed by coercion.

At least now they know which Green Lantern died.

Simon gets away by using a fancy Green Lantern version of the shell game. Why doesn't Superman every use his super sense of smell? He could be like a Kryptonian Basset Hound with his super senses. Maybe he has a super sinus infection. I bet that's the only way he could survive. I bet Earth stinks!

Meanwhile, the Borg Lanterns are busy assimilating humans in back alleys.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Black Hand is busy zombifying Reegal, one of the Guardians of the First Lantern locked away in the Chamber of Shadows stuffed into a black hole. Perhaps this group of Guardians will take command of Oa when this is all through since they're not insane like the other ones. Or they're just crazy in a totally different kind of way. They seem a bit like free loving peaceniks! I like them.

Meanwhile meanwhile meanwhile in their negative world, Hal Jordan and Sinestro meet up with a sinister figure that recognizes Sinestro.

I don't know who this jerk is. It looks Destiny after he was mugged for his chains and book.

Green Lantern #14 Rating: +2 Ranking. As this comic begins to build its own internal consistency, relying less and less on the Preboot history, I'm enjoying it more and more. The pacing felt right and it touched on everything that needed to be brought up and the idiotic Borg Lanterns were only given one panel. Perfect!