Justice League #11: Drowned Earth, Part 2

In this issue: the Justice League vs. water!

After my review of Drowned Earth Part 1, Internet user darksammieknite asked, "How…the…FUCK did you accurately describe this event from the first issue?!" Aha! The kind of question I love! The kind where I get to toot my own horn!

First off, I don't know how much I got right or wrong since I haven't read the series yet. But history suggests that I fucking nailed every single detail. After all, I was the one who first guessed that Red Robin would become Harvest! But the serious answer is this: I'm a fucking Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! You don’t waste thirty years of your life reading comic books and not learn a little something about, well, actually you don’t learn much. But I know comic books!

TOOOT TOOOT, MOTHERFUCKER!

Man, I hope darksammieknite wasn't being sarcastic! I don't want to look like a fool on the Internet yet again.

Although if I guessed the entire story in the write-up on the first chapter, what's left to say about this one? I suppose I could drag Aquaman some more. That's always fun. I know people hate it because they always come at you with an argument they stole from somebody else because they can't think up their own unique thoughts and say, "Let people be happy about the things they love!" Well fuck you! Because I love dumping all over Aquaman! Let *ME* be happy!

Seriously. It's not like I look up AquamanLover6969 on Twitter and direct message them my degrading insults about Aquaman. This is my safe space to shit straight down Aquaman's throat! If you take away my safe Aquaman hating space then I'll have no other choice but to grow a beard (a longer and messier one!), move out to the woods (deeper and thicker ones!), learn electronics and chemistry, buy an old typewriter that has three specific flaws that will eventually lead back to me, write (more) threatening letters to DC (and Marvel! Namor fucking sucks too!), and eventually be nicknamed "The Dumb Unabomber." Do you want that on your conscience?! I didn't think so. Let me feel the joy of hating Aquaman!

It would be fun to troll Aquaman fans though. They think they're so much better than the people with brains who know Aquaman is stupid. They're all, "He's super dense from having lived under the sea!" But they don't ever say, "I wonder how he became so dense when he was born on land and raised on land and he never exploded like other sea life that's brought up from the deepest deep!" But now they're probably saying stupid things like, "He's just super dense because of his Atlantean heritage! And before you say he talks to fish like all the normies who think they're so cool when they shit on Aquaman, he's actually a minor telepath who excels in communicating with aquatic life! He can probably also 'speak' with spermatozoa!" And then I would be all, "Oh? Now I'm intrigued! Is Aquaman the gay hero the gay community has been waiting for?!" Then I glance at a poster of Jason Momoa and gasp, "Oh, why yes he is!"

What was I saying? Oh yeah! Aquaman is a dumb hero who speaks to fish! Take that, Aquaman fans!

I think I'm tapped into the spinal fluid of the universe because after writing that Unabomber stuff, I refreshed my Twitter feed and the top tweet was from Andy Richter saying, "Let Ted Kaczynski host the Oscars," and linked to an article about "The Unlikely New Generation of Unabomber Acolytes."

Let me translate: "Aquaman doesn't speak to fish, you stupid rubes! He's cool because he can plagiarize the abilities of people cooler than him! Idiots! Aquaman is the new Batman!"

You know how we all know that Aquaman sucks because all he can do is speak with fish? It's because every time a writer tries to show that Aquaman is cool, they say, "He's more than just speaking with fish!" It's like they realize all that we ever see is him speaking with fish and riding seahorses and so us idiots just seem to think that's all he can do. The only way I would enjoy this comic book and have any respect left for Snyder is if Aquaman saves the day by speaking with fish! Then everybody could accept Aquaman for who he really is and he can stop trying to desperately impress everybody! Just control a bunch of sharks to eat everybody's faces again so you can earn another edgelord meme, Arthur!

Great! So your powers work in super specific scenarios! Try saving this same day if it happened in Lincoln, Nebraska, you fishy twat.

Being that this is only part two of Drowned Earth, we're still in the "everything is going to shit" phase of a comic book story. So by the end of it, Aquaman has been impaled on Poseidon's trident, Batman is under attack by the Legion of Doom, and Mera, Flash, and Superman are being beat down by supersized Black Manta. Things will probably begin turning around late next issue!

Grade: B+. What the hell? It's kind of fun and feels fairly old school (aside from the threat to all life on Earth. But then that's kind of an old school threat too since nobody is actually dying. They're just turning into fish people for a bit!). Aquaman is a turd.

The Green Lantern #1

I guess somebody challenged Grant Morrison to plumb the depths of the most shallow character in DC comics because we now have this title. Not that there's anything particularly wrong with being shallow! I don't want anybody thinking I'm just sitting around insulting myself at the same time I'm insulting Hal Jordan. At least Hal Jordan is shallow in a good way. He's shallow in that he's not complex. He has a simple moral code: do the right thing no matter how many people you have to punch in the face. He'll punch a whole damn planet if he has to.

It's also possible Dan DiDio just said to Grant Morrison, "How much would it cost us to get you to write the next Green Lantern book?" Then Grant shrugged, said a number that would probably blow my mind, and shook hands with DiDio while pretending he didn't see DiDio's boner.

The first ten pages of this issue are a confusing mess of hokey old cop serial dialogue and hard-to-follow panel transitions. The bottom line is that some anti-matter creature killed a Green Lantern while a space beaver, a robot, and a vegan spider alien escape from a Green Lantern paddy wagon (casual racism!) with a Venturan luck dial. I suppose all of this will come into play at some point, especially since the anti-matter creature seems to be merging with Hal Jordan on the cover.

Hal Jordan is currently moping down on Earth. He's probably on paid leave from the Green Lantern Corps for punching a Guardian in the neck. It only takes a few pages to discover Grant Morrison is on the same page as I am regarding Hal Jordan's character.

The panel before this has Hal saying, "You wanna fight? See, I like fighting. Aliens, humans...".

The crystal meth Green Lantern crashes the police transport on Earth after freeing the space beaver and his friends. Hal tells his horribly wounded coworker not to worry because Hal Jordan can get the job done in twenty minutes whereas other Green Lanterns, terrible at their job, almost die and crash on Earth attempting the same thing. I wonder if Hal knows you can be confident without being completely insulting at the same time? I guess it doesn't matter because being polite isn't going to save the universe.

After capturing the space beaver and letting it know that its luck dial is a fake (because the guy with the anti-matter creature, Commander Mu, has the real one!), Hal is accepted back into the Green Lantern Corps full time. And his first case is the Case of the Anti-Matter Killer! Apparently this guy Commander Mu is creating an Anti-Hal Jordan to defeat the Green Lantern Corps.

Rating: C+. Grant Morrison begins this series by saying, "Look, I know what y'all want from me. Big cosmic connections between modern ways of thinking and all the nostalgic history you nerds can't let go of! But first I'm going to write a bunch of terrible sounding dialogue that makes people think of old police radio dramas! Oh, sure, nobody reading this knows what those sound like so maybe this issue will completely miss the mark and people will think, 'Did Grant Morrison suffer a head injury?' But then I'll say, 'Did you read Batman Incorporated? Remember some of the fucked up weird shit in that? I tested your suspension of disbelief a lot more than asking you to believe space aliens speak like cops from the twenties!'" I wonder if Dan DiDio's boner shrunk three sizes the day he first read this script?

Drowned Earth: JLA/Aquaman #1

I'm guessing they're not a bunch of misunderstood ocean beings whose powers don't exactly mirror those of Justice League members on a one-to-one basis?

I haven't read a comic book in two weeks because this was on the top of the stack. Fuck you, Aquaman. Why haven't you been killed yet by DC? Oh, wait! I know why! Because it wouldn't have been a huge event because nobody fucking cares about you. Die in an underwater fire.

This issue begins with a flashback to Aquaman as a youth hanging out with his dad in Amnesty Bay. Ever since Geoff Johns began The New 52 in this exact manner, it has become the de facto method for beginning an Aquaman story. This is because comic book writers and editors aren't as smart as people who spend too much time writing comic book critiques online for no money at all. They saw that New 52 Aquaman had more success than Aquaman had had since he put on the blue waves suit, so they held a meeting to discuss why that happened. Was it because Geoff Johns decided to work into the DC Universe the knowledge that Aquaman sucks? Or was it because Ivan Reis (if he was, indeed, the artist. Why should I spend ten extra seconds checking facts when I can just plow ahead pretending I'm some kind of super intellectual expert? I went to school as a white male, so I'm sure I know what I'm talking about here!) painted some beautiful art for the flashbacks? Or maybe 2011 was peak concussive head damage in the comic book reading community? I guess we'll never know. Except we do know one thing (because I'm stating it as fact): Aquaman's success was not because the story opened with a flashback. Although you'd be right to think that's what it was by the amount of Aquaman stories that begin with young Arthur Curry learning some kind of lesson about the sea from his father. Like, "Kid, if you ever meet a mermaid, fuck her. Fuck her hard!"

Here's how the story opens: "Tom Curry knew the sound of waves." Wow. Brilliant. What a human specimen! Whenever I hear waves, I think, "What was that?! Did I just shit myself?!" And I'm fairly certain I'm pretty smart! So to be able to differentiate waves from shitting yourself must make a person a Goddamned super genius. Tom Curry: the man who could hear a wave and say, "Hey! That was a wave!"

The entire Earth has been flooded by space Aquamen because they're tired of being jokes. But people don't drown in the water because regular people in the DC Universe have been dying too much lately. Since every threat to the Justice League has to be a universe ending catastrophe to prove the Justice League's power, thousands (if not millions) of people need to die every time. It would be nice if the Justice League could save everybody but that wouldn't be realistic and realism is the most important thing in comics since Watchmen and it keeps comic book readers from losing their suspension of disbelief. If nobody died, comic book readers would never stop rolling their eyes or making jerk-off motions when discussing the Justice League. "Can you believe they saved everybody?! I mean, they're good. The best even! Better than the Avengers. But saving everybody?! Come on! So unrealistic. It's like when Ripley defeated the queen alien in Aliens. It just exposed the movie as the fiction it was! So unrealistic!"

So instead of killing people in this catastrophe, the writers have decided the water turns them into fish people. Also the water probably doesn't do any structural damage since it's flooding the entire world and it would be too difficult to have to deal with the repercussions of that kind of destruction. I bet the water isn't even really wet since it's magic. I'm sure once it all dries up, nothing will have changed at all and it will be like the story never even needed to be told.

Oh! That means I probably don't even need to read it! Or any comic books at all! Am...am I free from this obsession?! Did I just make a breakthrough?! I'll think about it after I finish reading this entire Drowned Earth story arc.

Jim Gordon turns into a fish monster in the first few pages which guarantees that every fish person will be back to normal by the end of the story. Am I supposed to continue to feel the dramatic tension knowing that Jim Gordon can't be a fish monster until the end of time because of this story? Stupid writers. Stop telegraphing the entire story. I bet Aquaman winds up saving the day as the only person left not an aquatic monstrosity by the end of this. I mean, he is an aquatic monstrosity but he's not the same type of aquatic monstrosity that this water would turn him into if he wasn't immune which he probably is.

Anyway, you know the story without having read it (which makes you smarter than me (and I'm pretty smart! I'm sure of it!)): the chips are way down and the Justice League are in their underwear (because it's both real poker and strip poker, I guess) and the poker table is on fire and a news report just came on the radio saying that Trump was still president. Things were looking bleak! How was the Justice League going to win this time?! But then a ray of hope: Wonder Woman appears! She'll save Aquaman and bring him back to Earth to save Earth while Batman saves Earth at the same time Mera saves Earth! But will we learn the secret of how The Flash survived the touch of the magic water?! I bet we will! I bet it will reveal the secret to saving Jim Gordon! And, I guess, the other billions of humans turned into aquatic monstrosities.

Grade: B. There's only one real reason to tell an Aquaman story in the DC Universe. And that's to scream, "Aquaman is more powerful than you fucking mocking fangenders realize! And the proof is in this story!"

See?! Black Manta just told us how powerful Aquaman is! And made a "speaks with fish" joke to boot! I mean, we'll probably never really see how powerful Aquaman is in the course of the story. Easier to just have somebody say, "Holy crap! Aquaman is so powerful!"

Doom Patrol #12

Greatest cover of all time.

Because of this cover, I'm simply going to be disappointed as I read this. Because now I want to join an old school Dungeons and Dragons campaign where we play through all of the modules, beginning with B1: In Search of the Dark Star. I mean In Search of the Loch Ness Monster. I mean In Search of the Siberian Fireball. I mean In Search of the Abominable Snowman. I mean In Search of the Unknown.

You know what? I don't care about D&D anymore. Now I want to rewatch the entire run of In Search Of. But since I have to wait for it to be delivered (just purchased the box set on Amazon with reward points and free shipping!), I guess I'll read Doom Patrol, even though I'm not in the mood anymore.

Grade: B. This issue was like a lost script to the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon except without that sexy Sheila that I almost certainly did not learn to masturbate to. I know this isn't much of a review. I normally don't review Doom Patrol because I just like reading it but I had to scan in that cover. It's fucking gorgeous and it woke up a sense of nostalgia for the days when I could walk into Kiddie World and head over to the four foot long section of D&D modules and dream about buying every single one.

Batman: Secret Files #1

Most of the files are about masturbation.



Secret File #1: Superman gets sexually aggressive after just one margarita.



Secret File #2: Ever since Batman discovered Gotham had been fucking the Court of Owls, he wonders if Alfred has also become dissatisfied with him.



Secret File #3: Batman writes aphorisms and tries them out on his rogue's gallery's victims. Later, he sends them comment cards to find out how effective they were. This one scored particularly low.

Secret File #4: Batman doesn't help poor people and profits off of weapons of war. Oh wait. That one wasn't a secret at all!

Secret File #5: Gotham has snow-topped mountains.

Secret File #6: Batman sometimes feels alone (even though he totally doesn't) and he shoots dangerous weapons into the dark without knowing what he's shooting at (even though he totally doesn't) and when he kills a deer, he simply covers it with snow and hopes nobody notices (okay, I totally by he does that. Hell, he just did it to KGBeast in Batman #57!).

Secret File #7: Jordie Bellaire tells a Batman story the way Cullen Bunn tells an Aquaman story (meaning, sure, they told a coherent story about a person doing a thing but that person in no way resembled Batman (or Aquaman!)).

Secret File #8: Tom Taylor has the best name for a Batman/Detective Chimp team-up.

The Witching Hour #1

Can somebody please hypnotize me to stop buying these crossover specials?

Remember that time Wonder Woman was raped by the priestesses of Hecate when she was a young girl and infused with tremendous magic power? Of course you don't because it's the latest and greatest retcon from Scott Snyder! I mean James Tynion IV! Maybe both of them since this whole deal where Wonder Woman needed to be pregnant with magic so one of DC's greatest heroes could fit on Justice League Dark without fangenders asking a lot of pointed questions began in that Justice League mini-series that broke the Source Wall. You know the series! It's the one I can't remember the name of right now. It starred Lobo? If that didn't jog your memory, I don't know what will. Who doesn't have a list of Lobo appearances somewhere on their person at all times just in case you stumble upon some cheap comic books for sale in some dingy estate sale.

So now that we've come to terms with Wonder Woman being one of DC's magic characters (yes we have!), let's discuss how much I dislike the way the magic characters have been written since The New 52. John Constantine can't cast one lousy spell without fifteen narration boxes explaining to the reader how the costs of magic are high. Not that we ever really see the cost in terms of story. No, it's good enough to remind the reader that it costs a lot so don't expect Constantine to solve all of his problems with spell after spell. It's like how Green Lantern's ring is always nearly out of charge. If Hal Jordan were to go into battle with a ring at 100% charge, there wouldn't be any dramatic tension! We know he can defeat anything he faces since the Green Lantern ring is the most powerful weapon in the universe. And since it lost the flaw where it can't affect yellow, it made Green Lantern's life too easy. So the ring suddenly had to be a pain in the ass to charge. And to do that, DC needed to tell that story about the exploited planet where the batteries were kept safe in interdimensional storage.

This is what's known as the Superman Problem. Or it's what will eventually be known as the Superman Problem after I write this. When a writer is given a character that has the ability to do anything they can imagine (like say a magic user or a Green Lantern or, apparently, Martian Manhunter. Who came up with the list of his powers? "Let's see...strength. Flight. Psionics. Intangibility. Um, you know what? How about everything? Just give him everything!"), the writer then needs to come up with a fairly easy way to limit that ability (like a high cost or a shitty battery or kryptonite or fire and an addiction to Oreos). Eventually that limiting plot device gets used to the point of ridiculousness and most writers, finally, realize that using the device is too easy. But if Superman stops having to deal with kryptonite as much, how do you challenge him? You simply escalate the danger. And to do that against Superman, you simply make him face more powerful enemies each time. So Superman comes on the scene and tells some weird alien to knock it off. Then the alien punches Superman and Superman thinks, "That actually hurt!" Cue the dramatic tension in the reader! Same with Green Lantern. Alien punches him in the face and he thinks, "I only have 3% charge on my ring! I hope I can defeat it in time!" Same with Martian Manhunter. The alien punches him and J'onn thinks, "Mmm, Oreos!" And that's how the magic characters of the DC Universe have been written lately. The alien...sorry...demon punches Constantine and he thinks, "I know a spell to defeat this monster but it's too high a cost! Let me smoke a cigarette and hold off casting the spell until I really need to cast it, all the time reminding the readers the high cost (which I'll never actually have to pay at the end (because it doesn't exist!))."

So then why am I reading this? Fuck you! I'll do what I want!

No! NO! Why didn't I listen to myself? Why must I always do what I want?!

Grade: D+. This grade doesn't reflect how other people might enjoy this comic book. It only reflects my own enjoyment of it. And since most of my time spent reading it was drowned out by my brain saying things like "Is it over yet?" and "Does magic cost more than freedom?" and "I'm glad that barn owl Madame Xanadu only had one small scene!", I found I didn't enjoy it much at all. Half of this issue was non-evil Hecate explaining the story to Wonder Woman so that the previous issues made sense. That allowed Wonder Woman to win the day using hugs. Not that Hecate accepts a hug from Wonder Woman which forces Wonder Woman to send the Upside Down Man to hug Hecate and eat her. I guess getting a god cannibalized by another god was the terrible cost of Zatanna's magic? That doesn't seem so bad.

Oh, I should also add that this story also contains the best comic book trope of all: the way everything played out was planned all along by the real evil villain: Circe! Ha ha ha ha! I mean, bwa ha ha!

If you don't know what's wrong with Zatanna's speech, we can't be friends.

Action Comics #1004

"Hey Kal! Stop fucking with the ducks and come rub my feet!" Superman's wife was reported to have said. -- Lois Lane, Daily Planet Op-Ed: "The World Would Be a Safer Place if Superman Rubbed His Wife's Feet More," 08-08-18.

Grade: A. This is my kind of Superman comic book! A comic book where nothing happens. I mean, some things happen. But they're the kinds of things that most people think of as nothing because they don't involve Superman punching an alien menace in the face for twelve pages. This issue does a Superman story perfectly. The problems Superman has trouble dealing with must always be problems that he can't beat into unconsciousness. That's the simple trick of writing good Superman drama. Because he's fucking Superman, we all know he can defeat any criminal at any time without any problem (except Lex Luthor. We easily accept that exception). That's why he had to be killed by Doomsday, a complete unknown. Because fans would have picked apart anybody else killing him (except, again, if it had been Lex. Why couldn't it have been Lex?! It should have been Lex. Now I'm feeling sympathetic for that poor evil fat bastard (and, yes, my canonical Lex Luthor is fat). In this issue, Superman deals with family troubles and some work issues. During those real problems, he stops an escape at Iron Heights Prison which is portrayed as a two page splash afterthought. Also he has sex with Lois twice. Now that's a Superman comic book I can wank off to! I mean I can appreciate! Which I guess are kind of the same thing.