Bat-Mad Lib Eternal #32 completed by Doom Bunny and Grunion Guy

Hush punches Spoiler in the butt pustule while Batman forges Hush right in the ass.

Last issue, Greyhoundman mostly just sparkled around in his Batsidecar. But it did manage to touch Damian inappropriately. So that was something¿

Alfred Pennyworth, Batman's fancy slave, teamed up with Ra's al Ghul to escape the ruins of Arkham Post Office. Alfred has been playfully hallucinating due to an injection Mashed Potato gave him directly to his spleen. But he's hittingest now!

The issue ended with No Sex In The Stacks about to kill Cluemaster's daughter, Door Handle.

How come whenever a character has a slingshot, they always get too close, allowing their opponent to masticate them?

Batman arrives to erect the second using his personalized take on the boomerang. Hush lobs a kumquat at Batman and Spoiler which causes a huge orgy. When the brick clears, Batman finds that Hush and Spoiler have pulled an Ambush Bug on him and disappeared.

Later, Batman returns to assault Battusk because he loves him. Or he just doesn't want Batwing's Grammys on his conscience. Or he was just obliterated hearing Batwing mutter over the Batcom, "Please don't eat my burrito!"

Alfred Ha'pennyworth is a bad ass. He had an historic building dropped on him and only needed one small Kleenex on his big round breast.

Meanwhile on the roof of the City Hall, Jason Elf Cleric and Hush finally meet face to foot to talk not alone to alone with the cat watching. (Yes, I realize the wording in the previous blanks will wind up with Jason Bard and Hush meeting to talk doggy style to anal. Or meeting to talk with my soulmate to my first time.) I anticipate this is the first time Hush and Tiny Tim have met to show they're definitely squelching together.

There is no way Scott Lobdell should be employed as a writer, and DC looks like a bunch of halfwits having him touch anything.

Jason Bard goes to visit Lana Lang to discuss what he's learned about Hush's inventions. At the same time, Batman notices somebody has smothered the MacGregor database. That's the listing of all of Batman's pretty weapons caches across Goatopolis. For anybody too lazy to figure out A² + B² = C², I'll spell it out for you: Dick Dastardly tolerated the Magic Lasso!

Oh shucks!

The final pages play out with Deathstork being framed for Hollywood attacks all over Gotham City. When is Grifter going to step up and do something about this Red Hood before all Grunion Guy's Basement breaks loose!

Batman Eternal #32 Rating (in which I've already filled out the Mad Lib blanks): Dog farts extrapolate polar median hibiscus monstrosities. Phallic raiment devolves upon shoddy platonic wet dreams. Demonstrative police savage inane pituitary concerns. Batman? Why, tuberculosis, of course!

Dark Nights: Batman Who Laughs #1

Sometimes I get loads of Vaseline on my scanner.

Apparently when you merge Batman with The Joker he becomes a leather and chains loving sado-masochistic pedophile kink king. I would have, at most, figured him for a third rate bipolar stand up comedian. At least, he'd be the dirty joke spewing pervy uncle brooding from the corner of the room during Thanksgiving while nursing a constant half-boner.

What I'm trying to say is I'm surprised DC went for the Queen of Robins who — I'm guessing — will yell "YASSSSSSS!" at least once during this issue.

The plot of this issue probably won't be surprising after an interminable amount of these tie-ins. Batman steps over the line and kills. This time he kills — SURPRISE! — The Joker. It makes sense that this Dark Multiverse Earth exists. What doesn't make sense is that all of the Dark Multiverse Earths aren't creations of Batman thinking, every time he battles The Joker, "I should probably just kill him, right? Save everybody a lot of grief. But then I couldn't lord my 'No killing!' stance over all those other asshole heroes that have killed once or twice. Damned if I'll lose my holier than thou status over Superman. The day he killed Doomsday was the greatest day of my life! I mean also the saddest because Doomsday killed Superman. But that boy scout killed a sentient being! At least I presume it was sentient. It showed some serious intelligence by kicking Booster Gold's ass upon first meeting him."

One of the terrible writers who wrote one of the previous terrible tie-ins (I think it was Joshua Williamson in the Bats Out of Hell four part story that made me wish I'd chosen euthanizing puppies as a hobby rather than reading comic books) mentioned that the Dark Multiverse Earths weren't just created out of Batman's fears but Batman's regrets. That's a stupid thing to say because Batman never did the things that the Batmen on the Dark Multiverse Earth's did so he couldn't have regretted them. Unless what Mr. Williamson meant was that Batman constantly regrets not killing every member of the Justice League or every one of his enemies every day of his existence. But that seems out of character. Not that Batman torturing himself is out of character but Batman regretting choosing not to kill. It's like the exact opposite of what all of these tie-ins are saying.

I know why Batman laughed! He thought, "Sounds like a terrible psychologist!"

Later Batjoker kills all of the Batkids because the real Batman on Light Earth-0 fears he might someday do that. Or he regrets it. Or maybe it has nothing to do with him since that's just a part of the plot progression after he killed The Joker. That's the fear that created Earth-Negative-Twenty-Two (and also a billion other Earths, one for each time The Joker broke out of Arkham and killed at least one more person. Then Batman squatted on the ground while punching himself in the face and mumbling, "Why didn't I kill him last time? I should have killed him! Is this new death on me?! Probably!"). After killing the Batkids, he kills the Justice League. Then he killed everybody on Earth. That should make him seem scary since he mostly seems to me, right now, that he should be hosting Drag Night at The Tinker's Damn.

Batjoker's antics caught the attention of Barbatos who needed a valet to open a door for him. Batjoker's qualifications for the job had something to do with how, when you're playing with a deck of cards, having a hand that contains the king and the joker is the best hand ever in every game. But, I mean, is it? I don't know every card game but I'm pretty sure Batjoker should be teaming up with Ace the Wonder Dog if he wants a truly unbeatable hand. Of course, some games value the ace as the lowest card. But then again, only children play games that include the joker. Which probably means this story will end with Batjoker throwing a huge tantrum when he realizes he's about to lose.

The story ends with the revelation that Batjoker has been telling his origin to some guy in a wheelchair covered in bandages. I totally and honestly and not facetiously at all think it's Blue Beetle although I don't really know who it might be, probably because I haven't been paying close enough attention. And I don't mean just to this comic book story. I haven't been paying attention to anything in my life lately. Batjoker tells this poor invalid that his ultimate plan is to release all of DC's Elseworld's baddies on Earth-0. That should be exciting!

Dark Nights: Batman Who Laughs #1 Rating: I'm trying to be positive lately so this book gets one star out of two stars. That's ambivalent enough for me to delude myself into thinking I'm being positive.

Justice League #33

This face has way too many noses.

How come I'm still stupid enough to be purchasing comic books that simply "tie-in" to a different story arc? They're always terrible and unnecessary. I suppose this time I purchased The Flash and Hal Jordan because I've been picking up Justice League anyway. Although would it have mattered if I read those other two parts? They can be summed up in however many words I'm about to take to sum it up: the entire Justice League was captured. There! Now we're ready to move on to this issue.

The first three pages portray the Batjoker as an idiot. I really want to like him. I truly do. I want him to be vicious and terrifying and demented but instead he's stupid and illogical and annoying. I guess that can't be helped since he's being written by Joshua Williamson. That might not be fair to Mr. Williamson but I never did get over his complete dismantling of the plot on The New 52 Voodoo when he took over. Not that the plot was any good when he picked it up. But he could have, at least, read the story prior to his coming on board and tried to integrate his ideas into it. I have no patience for that kind of shoddy writing.

Okay, I have some patience for it! Quite a bit, actually, or else why would I still be reading comic books after three decades? It's actually more common for a writer to just raze the previous story and characters to the ground as they step in to establish their vision. I just want it known that I don't respect those writers at all. Take that, writers!

Cyborg has something inside him that Batjoker needs to dominate the multiverse. But Cyborg has too much heart to give it up. Or something. Whatever. I'm always so bored when reading Cyborg comic books. I think Raven tells him he's not as big a failure as everybody thinks he is which encourages him to fight back. He starts by spouting nonsense.

What the hell is Cyborg One Million? Um, baby?

I guess he means he's so much better than Cyborg 2.0 that he's Cyborg One Million Point O? No, I think Victor just got lost in his excitement about equating his name with being a winner. I wish he'd said, "I'll always be a Stone!" That's more how I think of him because stones are boring.

Anyway, stuff happens and they escape so they can continue on their adventures that were disrupted when this tie-in began. But that's just what Batjoker wanted! I mean, it wasn't what he wanted two pages before the end where Barbatos gets mad at him for losing the Justice League and he's all, "As long as I have the Titans and Task Force X, they'll be back!" Then two pages later, he's all, "They're just where I want them! Spreading your darkness through the multiverse!" And Barbatos isn't all, "Why didn't you say that two pages ago when I was scolding you? That your plan was to let them loose infected by my darkness? Why did you mention they'd be back for the others?" And Batjoker is all, "It makes sense. Stop overthinking it. Jerk."

Justice League #33 Rating: -3 stars out of 5. That's for the whole tie-in. Basically everything is back where it was before the tie-in began except with Flash, Raven, and Cyborg as one of the four teams instead of Flash, Superman, and Steel. Which doesn't really make sense because didn't they need Steel's metal? I guess Cyborg's Element X is better than whatever metal Steel had on him?

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #32

This cover raises questions.

Being a terrible comic book fan, I don't think I've spent enough time discussing Green Lantern's light constructs with my only two nerd friends. Mostly because I have way more than two friends (depending on your definition of "way more") although all three of them are, admittedly, nerds. We've discussed Magic the Gathering on way too many occasions and wrote some songs during a Cyberpunk campaign where our characters were in a band called The Mysogynysts (whatever you instantly thought our songs might have been about was probably more sexist than the songs we actually wrote (I mean, one called "Five-fingered Angel" was just a ballad to the singer's hand)) and probably spent more time playing Blood Bowl than having sex with a partner (I don't just mean back in the day when we were getting little to no sex (I only added the "little" because I suspect one of my friends had at least finger-banged a woman that my other friend was in love with), I mean all told right up until this minute. Which doesn't mean I haven't had a lot of sex. I'm trying to point out just how much Blood Bowl we played. Those games can last for hours! So one game is like fifty sexual encounters! Probably more!). But I don't remember ever discussing Green Lantern's power constructs.

Seeing this cover where Hal has made lots of bats to help him, I couldn't help wondering if a light construct bat simply takes on all the physical attributes of a bat. Are they the same density? Do they fly exactly the same way? Do they poo? No wait. I'm getting too far into the weeds on this. I just want to know if a bat light construct would smash its brains out against a plate glass window exactly like a real bat might do? I always just figured the light constructs were a way for the artist not to get bored but maybe the shape and design actually matter? If not, why wouldn't Hal just shoot rocks or bullets or lasers at his opponents? Does he really need to make fancy constructs in a battle for his life? The only reason I can think why he would make goofy constructs was to get me to tune in to the next episode of Challenge of the Superfriends to see what he comes up with next. I mean a glove to counter Sinestro's huge yellow penis? I mean baseball bat! What next?! A bulldozer, I bet!

That's probably enough nerd talk. I feel gross now. Leave the nerd talk to They Who Shall Not Be Named (you know! The Weird Science guys!) even though they're terrible at it. Have you ever listened to their podcast? So boring! I mean, I'm making an educated guess that it's boring. And I was educated at San Jose State University! Home of the San Jose State Minimalists! That's their football team!

The number is infinity times fifty-two. Which is technically infinity but we all know it's actually fifty-two times greater than infinity. Duh!

Only fifty-two of those planets matter anyway. Since when has anybody ever cared what's going on on Mars-3? And that's the closest planet to Earth (unless that would be Venus. I could look it up but I'm practicing for the loss of Net Neutrality where I won't be able to get any information not sponsored by Comcast. I hope Comcast doesn't think Jupiter is the closest planet to Earth because I'm fairly certain that isn't correct. But if that's the only information I can find on the ComcastNet, what can I do but accept it?!)! The only thing anybody cares about in the non-Earth-0 universes is whether or not the Nazis won World War II on that Earth. After that, nobody has ever asked, "But did they then colonize Mars too?"

After ruminating on how many planets there are, Hal Jordan thinks, "How many citizens? Trillions? What's more than trillions?" How stupid is Hal Jordan? He doesn't even now the science term "gazillions"?!

Hal finishes his display of ignorance by saying, "But there's only one Coast City." What an idiot!

Oh man! I haven't been reading this series so I hope Hal didn't take a huge blow to the head and is currently suffering brain damage. If that's the case, I take back the idiot statement because being an idiot is just a symptom of suffering a head injury and not something to mock. Probably. Plus, Guy Gardner already had the brain injury story arc.

See?! Hal's lost the ability to read!

The main part of the story takes place under Coast City where Hal battles Dawnbreaker. That part where Hal Jordan went "Duh!" for a few pages was just the prologue. It was so the reader understood how much Hal Jordan loves Coast City and what he'll do to anybody who wants to harm it. You know, the same way Batman thinks of Gotham and Superman thinks of Metropolis and The Flash thinks of Keystone City unless it's Central City and the way Wonder Woman cries because she doesn't have a proper city to protect.

Half of the battle is just black panels to make things truly exciting. Unless I meant a different word that isn't any thing like exciting. Is it too late on this blog to declare I've had a traumatic brain injury?

That's exactly what no fear means! I think you're thinking of bravery.

Hal winds up losing just like the other Justice League members lost in The Flash #33. I guess Hal Jordan was too important to be defeated in only a few pages like the other jerks. I had to pay an extra $2.99 to see him get defeated even though I was pretty sure his guts weren't going to be enough to triumph in the one page he got in The Flash.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #32 Rating: I'm not sure what to rate the comic book but I rate Hal Jordan 5 out of 68 bats. He said a lot of things that would make one suspect he had the power to back p his words but he didn't. Not even close. I guess even his love for Coast City (which I was beaten over the head with (hey! That's probably why I'm so stupid!)) couldn't rally him to victory. Loser.

Justice League #32

It looks like Ethan initially drew Wonder Woman having a nip slip and it had to be corrected by an intern with a shitty pencil eraser.

That caption was too long. Forgive me but I'm slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable, just like Twitter was hoping! That's why they didn't give us a number count for our Tweets. You can only pay attention to the little circle, making sure to stop halfway to filling it up, for so long before you think, "Just this once, I'll go a little past halfway." Next thing you know, you're thinking, "How did I ever compose a thought in only 140 characters?! Madness!"

This issue begins with Cyborg thinking one thought: "Team." That's a clue to the theme of this issue, boys and other boys who read comic books! I don't mean to suggest that girls don't read comic books! I just know they're smart enough to figure this shit out themselves. Now that I've said that and all the ladies have thought, "Oh! We misjudged Tess! We'll never use the term 'misogynist' in regards to Tess ever again! Such a sweet genius!", I can get back to explaining why Cyborg thinks "Team." If you're not a Writer like me, you might not fully understand the structure of stories — especially comic book stories that need as many short cuts as possible being that they're only twenty pages long and most of those pages don't have very many words on them. Comic book writers like to introduce a thought on the first page, often via a non sequitur or a strained line of reasoning. They'll drop the thought almost immediately but pick it up again on the last page to make it look like their story was about something more than an overly muscled dude or gal beating the crap out of some social outcast that probably has an undiagnosed mental disorder. It makes the book seem way more intelligent than it really is. It's one of my favorite tricks because then I can slip the comic book back in its Mylar sheathe and think, "Boy! That sure was a smart thing I just did and not a thing where I'm grasping at my long departed youth with fingers that have become crone claws over the years even though I don't feel any joy and wonder in it anymore!"

What I'm trying to say in a way that shouldn't open up the dark pain in my heart so the world can glimpse my longing ache for my father's love is that the concept of "team" will be really important this issue! I mean, it's kind of important every issue because this is the Justice League and they're always beating major threats at the last moment by Batman reminding them that they need to work together and everybody going, "Oh yeah!" And then also Batman says, "Not you, Aquaman!" Then everybody laughs. Except for Aquaman. He cries. You've seen that scene a million times even if Batman doesn't say the mean thing on panel. Just realize every time you thought Aquaman was dripping with sea water, those were actually tears.

Since this is Venditti's first time on this book (I think. What am I? Wikipedia?!), he's going straight to the most locally accessible and commonly known well location. He probably got the assignment and was all, "Oh! I know exactly how to write this book! When I'm writing Hal Jordan, I always have to portray him as the opposite of a team because he's a stubborn narcissist with an enormous cock. So I'll write this book by showing how that doesn't always work out as well as it seems to work out for Hal Jordan! I'll focus on how the Justice League is a team!" You see, Venditti has never had an issue with the idea that there are no original thoughts. He just clonked that despairing thought over the head when he went to write comic books and was all, "Who cares if I repeat everything that has been said multiple times in the last seven decades! The turnover rate on comic book readers is like 100% over every five years or so! Except for those sad adult men who continue to read them well into adulthood because they couldn't properly negotiate the trauma induced by their love of their mother and their slide into their hormonal teenage years!"

Team! What I'm trying to say is remember the word "team"! It's going to be important later! Sheesh! Stop trying to distract me by acting as a free public therapist! Although if you are a therapist and you want to engage in dialogue — say an hour or so three times a week? — feel free (free being the operative word). Just to clarify: I said "therapist" and not "the rapist" so if you're thinking about luring me into a situation where you can take sexual advantage of me because of my desperate need for companionship, don't bother commenting! Except maybe to say I have nice eyes or something. That would be nice.

My college Children's Literature professor would be gushing fruit juice from her nether regions right now! Look at all the words I've come up with after having read just one word! She was always adamant that when writing a paper, one should focus on one sentence that can be expanded to explain the entire text. She was always saying things like, "If the protagonist is sleeping on some roots, really think about that! Think about the idea of roots! And ancestors! And how they support us and protect us! And how sometimes they make it hard to sleep because their bony knees are jabbing you in the back until you're all, 'Grandpa! Go back to your own bed!'" I hated that idea because I read books to discuss the books. I don't read books to discuss one sentence in the book! Although she did compliment me on Halloween when I came to class dressed as Alice Cooper in Wonderland. Oh! I think I have a picture of the night before when I went as merely Alice in Wonderland!

To complete the Alice Cooper part, I added the Alice Cooper facial make-up and carried around the bloody, decapitated head of the white rabbit (a larger (stuffed animal!) rabbit than the one pictured. That one lived). Bonus picture: evidence of my problematic friend Soy Rakelson who I've mentioned numerous times on this blog! Just do a search for "Soy Rakelson" so you can enjoy some Soy stories!

Cyborg is thinking about teams because he needs to get his team, the Justice League, back together. When we last left them at the competent hands of Joshua Williamson (did that come across as an insult?), they had been split up and were each being attacked by a separate Batmonster from the Dark Multiverse. See?! That's why the Batmonsters are going to lose. Because they don't consider working as a team a positive. They each want to prove themselves as individuals and that's a weakness the Justice League will exploit! If the Batmonsters were smart, they would have just all gone to see Flash to make sure he died, then they'd go kill Green Lantern, and finally they'd move on to kill Wonder Woman. I didn't leave anybody of note out of that explanation because Superman and Batman are currently lost in the Dark Multiverse.

The first battle that takes place is between Flash and Batflash. Batflash has built a Batflashmobile that runs on the Speed Force. That doesn't just mean it's really fast in the way a person reading a comic book about The Flash having a Flash car would think. No, it means it can do anything the plot demands of it. That's the power of the Speed Force!

Man! Don't get me started on the Speed Force! I'll start myself on it! The Speed Force is what happens when comic books begin to take themselves too seriously and people began thinking about the real world implications of The Flash's power. If The Flash runs at such high speeds then that means he needs to think faster than everybody else as well. But if he can think and react that fast, how can anybody defeat him at all? What happens to his body when he runs at top speed? What if that top speed is the speed of light? What if it's faster? What about time travel? What about his clothing? What about how he can constantly communicate with people while running really fast? I think there were probably more concerns but I never read The Flash. I don't even actually know why the Speed Force came about. You probably shouldn't be using me as any kind of a trusted source in comic book knowledge. Just know that the Speed Force is capable of anything because something was needed to make a guy who could move faster than nearly anything in the universe less boring. Or at least seem kind of interesting in a cosmic way? Maybe that's why they also gave him a huge family. Some editor was all, "We thought it was just Barry that made this character boring! But it's the concept! Make Wally more interesting somehow! Let him fuck that hot reporter! And give him space kids! Or time travel children! Or something! And somebody figure out why his face doesn't melt off when he runs fast or what being struck by lightning has to do with being fast. I mean aside from bolts of lightning being incredibly fast. Are they fast? They are, right? Like instantaneous!" He had to ask that because this imaginary moment comes from a time before the Internet. At least a time before the useful Internet that wasn't mostly AOL chatrooms and Neverwinter Nights bankrupting nerds.

Cyborg doesn't really know that The Flash is currently being rundown by multiple Flashmobiles inside a giant hourglass so he just keeps thinking about his football team analogy. He's all, "What if the running back can't run faster than the big fat defensive ends?! Then the team needs somebody who's angry!" That's when he starts thinking about Aquaman. Wait. That doesn't make sense. Shouldn't Cyborg think, "If the running back can't score, that's when the team must rely on the most boring player on the roster: the kicker!" Then the scene should shift to Aquaman.

Wouldn't all of sports be better without the guy who plays angry? I know the Justice League would! BROZINGA!

The Drowned turned Mera into a sea monster which somehow turns Aquaman's anger against the Justice League. That's not a confusing conclusion I came to. It's what Cyborg had to say about the angry player. Once the angry player is being used against you (like say, the super villain making fun of Aquaman and Batman snickering so that Aquaman turns on the Justice League screaming, "I know what you all think of me! I FUCKING KNOW!"), it's time for the next player! I hope he doesn't say it's time for the cheerleaders to get the crowd in the game and then start talking about Wonder Woman because I think that would be sexist. Also it's definitely something he won't say. Maybe he'll talk about how the defense will need to step up and then it'll be Green Lantern time. Wonder Woman is probably the halftime orange slices.

Instead of continuing with the football metaphor, Cyborg decides to change things up. He says, "Anger can be useful. But the other team can turn it against you. Drag you into a dogfight. When that happens, you brawl." Wait. What? What kind of football do they play in Detroit high schools?! "If we can't run it into the end zone, let's get angry! And if our anger doesn't scare them into letting our running back into the end zone, let's kick their motherloving asses!"

When Cyborg thinks of a brainless brawler, he, of course, thinks of Wonder Woman. That seems dumb. I know he wants to save the quarterback position for Batman but let's think this metaphor through. Wouldn't you want, as quarterback, the person who has the most experience on the field who has been trained by immortal football players who have spent all of their immortal lives training for the big game? Wonder Woman should either be the quarterback or the coach. But instead she's the enforcer? Which, you know, is a hockey term but what am I supposed to think? You don't brawl in football. Sometimes you brawl in hockey though! In football, one guy shoves another guy and then the other guy grabs the first guy's facemask and then a whole bunch of old white guys blow whistles and throw their underwear at them.

I really don't understand football but I do jerk off to it sometimes.

So every member of the home team is getting beat up. The game will be lost shortly unless the coach comes up with a plan. And what better plan when you've got a team than choosing one star player to win the day for you! Oh man! Venditti did the old double loop de loop trick shot on me! He was all, "This is about a team! And teams win by team efforts!" But then he's all, "No, no! Just kidding! It always comes down to the star player and you better believe Hal Jordan is the star player!" I'm not going to ask why Hal Jordan is even in this Metal series. Where are the newbies? It was probably explained earlier but how am I supposed to remember past issues! It's not like I've been rereading my previous commentaries to refresh my memories like I used to. Now I just approach each issue shrugging my shoulders and thinking, "I'll probably remember what was going on by about the sixth or seventh page."

Actually, I probably should have read the rest of the issue before commenting on Green Lantern saving the day. Hal only gets one page because the other characters took too much time losing. Thankfully Hal only needs one page to lose (probably because he's the focus of the next chapter, it being in his comic book and all). After that, Cyborg points out that the team was never going to be able to win because the coach (Cyborg) has been compromised by the other team! Shocking twist!

So in summary, Cyborg thinks football is won on speed, anger, hiring an ancient Amazonian warrior, and guts. I'm not sure he's as smart as DC wants us to think he is.

Justice League #32 Rating: How many of you read that part about me "slipping into a reality where writing a thought in 280 characters is comfortable" and thought, "Fuck you, you long-winded idiot! You've never had a thought that was less than three thousand words and six dick jokes!"?

The Flash #33

There's a whole voyeuristic shit eating fetish thing going on here that I don't want to think about too deeply.

Why am I reading another issue of The Flash? Because I'm an idiot who can't get enough of these Dark Nights Metal Tie-ins. Speaking of Dark Nights Metal, which is the real title of the series? Is it Metal? Is it Dark Nights? Is it Dark Nights Metal? Maybe it's Tie-in?! Whatever it is, I'm completely hooked. Not because it's gripping entertainment but because I lack the willpower to stop doing things that are harmful to myself.

The issue begins with Barry Allen Narration Boxing "My name is Barry Allen. I'm The Flash." You know, in case this is the first ever issue read by a seven year old immigrant child that was raised in the back woods of a country that is so seventh world that it has yet to be inundated with superhero pop culture. I know that seems far-fetched since 70% of the world economy depends on superhero pop culture but one should never assume everybody knows the titular character's secret identity and how that character often thinks to himself, "I'm me! And as me, I'm also The Flash!" Imagine how poor the world would be without all the blockbuster superhero movies. It's a good thing the cool kids finally decided that comic books weren't for the kids whose heads were constantly almost being flushed down the toilet for unknown reasons. There are adults today who are of a generation that can't even fathom how uncool it was to like comic books or science fiction or Dungeons & Dragons. Although they still think they're being "nerds" or "geeks" by liking the things that were once cause for ostracism and permanent banishment from most human contact (of the non-violent kind, of course). I don't mind them claiming those titles; it's just I don't think they have any idea what it was really like to be on the front lines of enjoying the things they enjoy today while not having their underwear most of the way up their ass and piss in their hair. Of course, now the young kids have other things to worry about. Like saying the wrong thing in front of that one "friend" who will instantly ostracize and permanently banish them from life entirely. Back in my youth, you might get a little banged up for not conforming to the social norms but today, you're just fucking done. And well you should be if you professed enjoyment for something your self-righteous, raving, Jim Jonesesque friend thought was problematic. Keep that shit to yourself, you monster.

I just realized another reason I read terrible comic books! They're a great distraction from our Brave New Shithole World! Thanks, Butthurt Angry Xenophobes! You sure showed them liberals! Y'all are like the heroin-addled downstairs neighbor I had years ago. One day, he had a big blowout fight with his girlfriend with lots of yelling and breaking of things. At one point I heard his girlfriend say, "You're too stupid not to break your own things!" So I guess he really gave it to her good by breaking his own stuff. Just like working class Trump voters!

If you don't want to hear anti-GOP political commentary in your comic book reviews, might I recommend the Weird Science blog? It has the added bonus that their reviews are actual reviews and not just the insane ramblings of a housebound misanthropist. Sure, they're bland and come from people who desperately want to be a serious part of the comic book community so they'll never say anything too harsh about the writing or art of a comic book, even when it's as terrible as Neal Adams' recent Deadman. But they won't call you stupid simply because of your political leanings! At least I don't think they will. I could be wrong. It's not like I've ever read more than a handful of their reviews. But I've read enough to declare the site my nemesis! I should probably interact with them more but they hurt my feelings the last time we had a conversation. One of their zealot followers threatened to slap me with his eight inch penis! And he made sure that I knew his penis is eight inches flaccid! I always knew that tough guy Internet comment monkeys must have the biggest penises. How else could they be confident enough to deliver their scathing rejoinders?!

After Barry identifies himself so that an audience that doesn't exist knows that the red Narration Boxes with the lightning bolt next to them are Barry's thoughts (and that Barry is The Flash because that might also be confusing), he explains that he's currently racing Superman and that Superman has to win. That's a lie. I mean, it's either a lie or poor writing and I don't want to hurt Joshua Williamson's feelings (any more than I may have already by saying his writing is mediocre and generally boring). So let's say it's a lie. Maybe it's an exaggeration of a half-truth so that The Flash can subtly suggest that he always beats Superman when they race. Why wouldn't he?! He's known as The Fasterest Man Alive! Why wouldn't Superman's lawyers shut that shit down if Superman were faster? I suppose, in the same way Superman is smarter than Batman but he lets Batman think Batman's smarter, Superman is just a good guy who enjoys letting his friends shine.

So they aren't racing. That's what I'm trying to say. They're both going really fast because The Flash needs to fling Superman into the Dark Universe. Mind you, nobody has ever willingly traveled to the Dark Universe before this. But when has not knowing how to do something that's never been done stopped a superhero from doing the impossible? Everybody knows that if The Flash just runs fast enough, he can justify any plot point. So that's what happens! He runs super fast and then Fastball Specials Superman into the Dark Universe.

Afterward, The Flash gives Steel the "I have a huge boner" eyes.

After Superman disappears into a black hole which certainly leads to the Dark Universe because reasons, Gorilla Grodd attacks the city. But it turns out it's not Grodd at all but a hungry person who just needed to eat a Snickers. It's a weird moment but it's good to see superheroes actually doing some good and helping regular folks for a change.

Steel contemplates fucking the Anti-Monitor's giant butt plug but The Flash argues against it. It's too dangerous! He points out that Batman fiddling with it is why they're in the mess they're in. I'm not sure they can really blame Batman though. Didn't they read Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1? Batman was manipulated by Barbatos for his entire life. I bet Barbatos even manipulated the radiation around Thomas and Martha Wayne so that Martha only had one viable Bat-egg and Thomas, one viable Bat-sperm.

The other members of the Justice League are all on missions to find Nth Metal. Remember when that happened in Metal? It was just before Detective Chimp was murdered by BatJoker. I know that Detective Chimp never dies on-panel but what other result should readers expect?! That maybe Detective Chimp jerked off all the Bat-monsters so he'd be spared? I suppose that's something that would take place off-panel, so I can't argue against that being what happened. Also I don't want to argue against that being what happened.

It doesn't matter what the other Justice League members were doing because they all get sucked up in Evil Boom Tubes. I'm sure they'll get back to their missions in the next issue of Metal. But for now, they need to fight some of the Bat-monsters to a stalemate so it seems like Metal is full of more action than it really needs.

I'd like to scan a picture of some of the big battles that take place but I can't because they don't exist. Okay, one exists. Doombat and Cybat beat the shit out of Steel and send The Flash into a dark room. The other Justice League members also find themselves in this room. This is probably the hell that the bats must get out of. And by bats, I don't think the title refers to the Batmonsters. I think the bats refer to the Justice League members who aren't Batman. It makes sense because fuck you. It's a clever take on a known phrase! People read it and go, "Oh yeah! I've heard people say that! It was even a Meatloaf album!"

The hells they wind up in are different versions of the Batcave where they're all individually attacked by the Batmonster inspired partly by each of them. And that's where the issue ends because this was all prologue to the big action scene. And in comics, the big action scene is the only reason people keep reading them! So exciting!

The Flash #33 Rating: 4 out of 10. It might earn a higher score if it had left out all of that Narration Boxing. A writer's use of Narration Boxes tends to make it so the writer doesn't need to write a script for a comic book. They just write the plot out through the character's rendition of what happened and leave it like that. It's also the way a writer can force a theme into the story's unwilling orifice. So The Flash, through Narration Boxes, tells a story about how he races Superman. Then that leads to him saying that Batman always advises him to run faster which leads to the big twist conclusion where The Flash points out that he's hearing Batman again but he's telling him there's nowhere to run! It's classic Flash storytelling! Just mention running as much as you can and equate it to whatever the fuck else is going on. Then finish it off by saying, "See? See what I did there? Clever, right?!"

Dark Nights: Batman Lost #1

It turns out he's not in Purgatory at all but on a corporate island retreat full of Volkswagen buses.

I'm exhausted by the Internet. The world was already a terrible place when I simply assumed most of the people living in it were idiots. But then the Internet had to come along and prove it! Thanks a lot, Twitter and Facebook and Tumblr and Blogger! Giving everybody a voice always seemed like such a perfect way to level the playing field. Instead it's collapsed the playing field into a dense black hole composed of the opinions of the truly stupid where no truth can escape.

I know what you're thinking and you'd better stop thinking that! My site is an ironic parody of a postmodern satire! My thoughts are supposed to be stupid! But then that causes its own problems because I wind up getting comments from people who wouldn't know ironic parodies of postmodern satires if an ironic parody of a postmodern satire showed them its dick. Which my ironic parody of a postmodern satire wouldn't do, by the way! I always wait until a woman shows me her vagina before I run screaming from the room to rock in a corner mumbling, "This is not happening. This is not happening." I don't even show my dick to my doctor until I absolutely have to. Which is a problem in itself! Hasn't my doctor heard that rocking in a corner mumbling "This is not happening" means no? Why would my doctor have to look at my dick anyway? I've never heard of dick cancer before! And I don't want to so don't post any links to the dick cancer Wikipedia page!

Did I sound smart by calling my blog an ironic parody of a postmodern satire? I hope it actually means something intelligent and isn't some kind of double negative statement that simply winds up sucking its own dick. Like a horny algebraic Ouroboros!

This is how Batman Lost begins:

J. Jonah Jameson? Batman really is lost!

For some reason, a little girl named Janet calls Jonah "Bruce." Instead of raving about Spider-man, he decides to read her a story about Batman. The story is supposedly Batman's first story, historically, but it winds up being Batman's first story, chronologically. It's about Batman's trip to the ancient past where he established a tribe that would ultimately cause the end of the world. Hawkman tried to stop him but Hawkman is terrible and can't stop anybody. I mean, he might wind up being the big hero in Metal. But that's okay because Metal is already so stupidly unbelievable (even in comic book terms!) that Hawkman saving the day won't have a detrimental effect.

Bruce is confused by his first story but he has somebody to help narrate it for him: somebody who looks like one of the Endless poorly cosplaying Batman. It's also possible she's the Queen of the Owls since she's wearing goggles that look like owl eyes made from a carton of eggs by a kindergartener and she's wearing an owl pellet around her neck. Bruce is all, "But this story is not the story that I'm currently storying!" And Delight is all, "Don't you know how comic books work, dumbie?! Every story gets taken out of context and reshaped by another writer to get tons of fangender love. They're always all, 'Remember this story from so long ago? Well this is what it really meant in the context of my new and awesome comic book idea!'" Then Batman makes a fart noise and Delight chuckles.

Batman sees a wolf's head and screams. He finds himself in the far future where a tribe of Robins spend their lives discussing whether or not Batman was good for them. Did he make their life better? Was he abusive? Was he just another piece of the patriarchy cursing them with his rich white privilege? Why did he have to be so mean to the mentally ill? Why was Batman, in any sense, the hero of the story when the sidekicks were the angst mirrors for the teenaged readers? Wasn't Tynion's vision of the Bat-family the best because it made Batman look like a huge asshole, even though it made Tim Drake even more boring than he's always been (no matter how impossible that might seem)?" But Batman, knowing he's just trapped in the Dark Multiverse and hallucinating, doesn't take any of the Robin's shit seriously. So, you know, like the regular universe.

Actually Batman arrives in a world that was ruined because he refused to kill people and Damian has become Hawkdevil. I guess the Dark Multiverse wants Batman to seriously consider killing so that maybe Batman will turn the regular universe into a Dark Multiverse and then the Dark Multiverse won't be relegated to the back of the map like a Dairy Queen advert.

Batman's dream takes a wet turn.

For some reason I fell asleep after this page. You'll have to be content with "for some reason" because I don't want to overwhelm you with my masturbation rituals.

Anyway, Batman sees more worlds that never existed because it's easier to pretend that this Metal story can be extracted from the comic book history of Batman if Snyder tells you about the worlds that would be created by Batman's fears rather than showing how the past stories all have hints that lead to the Metal story arc. It's not a bad issue but it's certainly not the kind of reshaping of past stories that makes you think, "Aha! That totally makes sense in the new context! Brilliant, Morrison!"

Batman Lost #1 Rating: It's one of the better Metal tie-ins but it still feels like Snyder and company are trying too hard to justify how Metal works in the context of Batman's comic book legacy. Instead of getting concrete examples of past stories that lead the reader into thinking that Metal fits seamlessly into Batman's history, the reader gets Barbatos explaining that he totally Harvested Batman from day one. So instead of showing how Batman was manipulated by recontextualizing some of his stories, instead the writers choose to simply have Barbatos say, "I manipulated you at every step of the way. Remember that one time you thought you were a great detective? I convinced you to be that! Remember that time you did that other thing that I'm not explicitly mentioning? I was responsible for that! From the dawn of time when I first saw you until this moment, it was all a plan to free me from the Dark Multiverse! Harvest-Schmarvest! I'm the greatest fucking man with a plan to ever exist in the DC Universe!" But if you aren't an overcritical asshole who apparently doesn't find any wonder or charm in comic books anymore, you might really enjoy this Metal Tie-in!