Hitman #9 (December 1996)

The rarely used perspective of the dead.

Hitman #9 (December 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler

You can correct me by pointing out all of the ancient, middle ages, renaissance, romantic, Victorian, modern, and postmodern texts that all use the perspective of the dead but I won't listen because I fucking said what I said already and now it's too late to be right so I need to just stick to my guns no matter how foolish it'll make me look. I mean, there are currently people out there declaring that they've spoken to Mitch McConnell when everybody knows the guy's either fucking dead or currently so lazy that he won't even take a single breath without the help of an expensive machine. So why can't I be all, "Why do you keep saying American Beauty? What does that mean? What does Dante have to do with anything? Yeah, I've heard of the island of Galapagos? Why do you keep shouting it angrily at me?! Hey yourself but, you know, my name isn't Nostradamus!"

Maybe what I was really trying to say was, "This cover covers a lot of ground from the whole future possibilities angle. Is the open grave representative of somebody Tommy's going to put into it? Is it already filled with somebody that's sending Tommy off into a killing rampage? Is it a metaphor of his future where he'll be dead from booze and/or violence soon? Do the fall leaves indicate a coming, um, fall?!" Yeah, that's what I meant. You can stop yelling Sixth Sense at me now!

But before I move on, let me say that House of Leaves is my favorite book written from the perspective of a dead baby and let y'all fight it out about how fucking wrong I am.

The issue begins with a bunch of killers going, "Death makes us sad!"

Oh, hey (Nostradumbass)! Speaking of death! Lindsey Graham just died! It's weird that everybody was all immediately, "Yeah, he's dead. Fucking slabbed, man. Done. Goodbye, tater!" But everybody else is all, "No, no. Mitch is alive! Seriously! Very much doing great!" If the afterlife were real, I bet Lindsey would be super sad to see he didn't warrant the lich treatment. If he even noticed what with all the demons shoving shit in his mouth and pitchforks up his asshole, I mean.

Anyway, Tiegel gets called up in front of the police board to be reminded that most of the cops in Gotham are corrupt and they fucking hate her for not joining them in being violent, selfish, greedy pricks. She isn't kicked off the force or anything but the chastising will probably drive her to drink and wind up spending the night fucking Tommy Monaghan. Tommy hasn't gotten laid since last issue (maybe the issue before that even!) and if your cool character isn't getting laid constantly, they might as well be the fucking nerd reading the comic book.

See?! Even Sean Noonan knows Tommy needs it bad!

Tommy explains how he's feeling after almost getting murdered by the greatest Hitman of all time. One of the long-term injuries from his near-death experience is that his telepathy now gives him a killer migraine. Probably the x-ray vision too. So nine issues in, Garth Ennis basically throws out the Bloodlines shit just to get to the non-super hero stories he really wants to tell. And one of those stories is about a Hitman who's ethics are better honed than every cop in Gotham (and everywhere else) which makes him a natural bone boy for a disenfranchised cop looking to really put it to The Man (by putting it to the bone boy). Because, yeah, Tiegel has been suspended without pay and she'll probably lose her job for good once she punches one of those bitch-ass pigs in his piggy pig face.

That'll do, pig. That'll do.

The cops don't take too kindly to violence being used for something other than oppression and reminders to show them some respect so they pull their guns on her. They don't shoot her because she is still one of them and it would be a huge headache to have to convince all the other cops who aren't corrupt (like maybe one or two stuck on desk duty because they'd snitch on any police brutality they witness) to go along with the bullshit press release explaining how Tiegel shot herself in the face seven times with seven different guns at the same exact moment. Sure, it sounds ridiculous but when has the press not bought into any obvious bullshit story given to them by the cops?

While leaving the precinct, Tiegel passes by the Captain's office and hears her speaking with a small accountant-looking government man with a huge ape of a man for muscle. They want the GCPD to murder Tommy in one of those fake resisting arrest killings so that nobody questions that he died as a scum-sucking anti-cop piece of shit. It's a story so easy to sell because a large number of people in America have somehow forgotten that we all hate cops and have hated them since they were slave-catchers and union busters and immigrant killers. Tiegel, knowing the cops are corrupt, probably now might be thinking, "Is Tommy the good guy? He definitely didn't murder me and Batman when he could have. And by not murdering us, that probably means he's a great lay. I mean guy!"

Enter Sixpack.

Sixpack is hilarious because alcoholism is hilarious. I mean, sure, sometimes it's serious like when you're reading Infinite Jest or your best friend's brother dies at 42 from it. But other times, it's totally hilarious like when Sixpack shits and pisses himself while suffering from severe hallucinations or like when your father is one and abandons you at two! Ha ha!

The government guy and his muscle track down Tommy at Noonan's. Tommy's all, "How'd you find me?" Mister Truman, the accountant dude, does not respond, "You spend 20 hours a day here. It's not fucking hard." Earlier, Truman didn't ask the cops to straight out murder Tommy immediately. First he wanted to offer Tommy a job killing superheroes who try to change the status quo by fighting corporate crime or cleaning up the environment or stopping lawless nations shove their weight around. Only if Tommy refuses did Truman want Tommy's death to be announced via a headline that reads, "Tommy Monaghan Rightfully Killed Lawfully and Justly Because He Didn't Let Some Cops Push Him Around!" Tommy refuses the job so the paper begins typesetting the headline.

Meanwhile we learn Tiegel's grandfather was a Nazi. And also her mother wants Tiegel to fuck Tommy. So her name meaning "crucible" in German probably means something!

And then dozens of cops show up at Tommy's door.

To be continued?! Is this edging?!

The Ranking!
Pre-cop-killer-tastic!