Is this one of those "There's an event happening in Gotham due to Batman so all characters in Gotham must take part" issue?
Hitman #8 (Late November 1996)
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
I think I have a vague memory of this issue. Isn't there some huge blackout thing in Gotham that's making Batman put in overtime and editorial was all, "Garth! Tommy's in Gotham. You have to do a 'Final Night' issue!" And Garth was all, "Hmm, a blackout, hunh? I guess Tommy and his buddies will just be sitting in Noonan's all night drinking beers and talking shite!" Maybe they also kill people who interrupt the gab sesh every now and then just to make things exciting. Also perhaps we learn Tommy's loss of virginity story? Not with a girl but with a gun, I mean! And I don't mean he fucks a gun! Or do I? Fuck, let's just read this shit!
The issue begins with the blackout. But it's not a Gotham blackout; it's a whole world blackout. I don't remember this "event" at all but I guess Darkseid ate the sun or something and now Hitman and his friends were going to have to just sit in Noonan's and wait it out.
Oh, fine. I'll do some online research to see what "The Final Night" was all about. It's scary though because the kind of people who say they do online research are total buffoons who believe the dumbest shit! So if I wind up believing that 9/11 was an inside job and that ordering pizza means you want to fuck children, I'm going to be pissed!
Apparently "The Final Night" was about somebody eating the sun but it wasn't Darkseid. And Hal Jordan died during it? Seriously?! How the fuck do I not remember this bullshit?! I have the vaguest memory of being a cynical asshole and scoffing at how this was just a Galactus story for DC with Dusk, the lady coming to warn Earth, just a stand-in for Silver Surfer. But I'm fairly certain this Hitman issue is the only tie-in comic I own of this crossover event. And it's barely a tie-in!
When the sun goes out, Hacken, Sean, Tommy, Ringo, and Natt lock themselves into Noonan's to get by on hot dogs and beer until the heroes turn the sun back on. While they tell stories, they occasionally have to take a break to shoot a looter in the face. So exactly how I remembered it!
By Garth Ennis, John McCrea, Carla Feeny, and Willie Schubert
Cover by John McCrea
Edited by Peter Tomasi and Dan Raspler
I think I have a vague memory of this issue. Isn't there some huge blackout thing in Gotham that's making Batman put in overtime and editorial was all, "Garth! Tommy's in Gotham. You have to do a 'Final Night' issue!" And Garth was all, "Hmm, a blackout, hunh? I guess Tommy and his buddies will just be sitting in Noonan's all night drinking beers and talking shite!" Maybe they also kill people who interrupt the gab sesh every now and then just to make things exciting. Also perhaps we learn Tommy's loss of virginity story? Not with a girl but with a gun, I mean! And I don't mean he fucks a gun! Or do I? Fuck, let's just read this shit!
The issue begins with the blackout. But it's not a Gotham blackout; it's a whole world blackout. I don't remember this "event" at all but I guess Darkseid ate the sun or something and now Hitman and his friends were going to have to just sit in Noonan's and wait it out.
Oh, fine. I'll do some online research to see what "The Final Night" was all about. It's scary though because the kind of people who say they do online research are total buffoons who believe the dumbest shit! So if I wind up believing that 9/11 was an inside job and that ordering pizza means you want to fuck children, I'm going to be pissed!
Apparently "The Final Night" was about somebody eating the sun but it wasn't Darkseid. And Hal Jordan died during it? Seriously?! How the fuck do I not remember this bullshit?! I have the vaguest memory of being a cynical asshole and scoffing at how this was just a Galactus story for DC with Dusk, the lady coming to warn Earth, just a stand-in for Silver Surfer. But I'm fairly certain this Hitman issue is the only tie-in comic I own of this crossover event. And it's barely a tie-in!
When the sun goes out, Hacken, Sean, Tommy, Ringo, and Natt lock themselves into Noonan's to get by on hot dogs and beer until the heroes turn the sun back on. While they tell stories, they occasionally have to take a break to shoot a looter in the face. So exactly how I remembered it!
Their stories revolve around the closest they ever came to losing their butt cherry. Sean goes first.
Noonan's story is a harrowing encounter with an officer alone together on a snowy battlefield.
I'm doing that thing right now where you tug your shirt collar and go, "Yeeeaaaooo."
Is that the correct noise? It's been awhile since I've watched a comedy from the '50s. Or was that move invented in the '60s and '70s on comedy sketch shows?
Sean Noonan doesn't sport a colostomy bag so you know he maintained his butt purity on this occasion. He's saved by air support flying over and the officer being too shy to buttfuck in front of witnesses.
Later Sean is all, "I didn't want that blade up my bunghole. But I sorted it later for good."
Sean Noonan doesn't sport a colostomy bag so you know he maintained his butt purity on this occasion. He's saved by air support flying over and the officer being too shy to buttfuck in front of witnesses.
Later Sean is all, "I didn't want that blade up my bunghole. But I sorted it later for good."
Of course you did, Sean! It's why God had to destroy Sodom! He couldn't let people spread the word about how great it is!
The boys take the story in stride but begin to get a little uncomfortable when Sean just won't stop giving them all the dirty details.
Stupid comic book using silhouettes to hide all the good bits!
Natt's up next and his story involves a drug deal gone wrong. How wrong's a drug deal got to go before somebody gets fucked in the ass, you're wondering? I think just regular wrong, really.
Natt ready to get smoked! "Smoked" is AAVE for "anal", right?
Hacken's a fuck up so he gets the story idea backwards and tells a story about a guy he knew who fucked some chickens.
I don't think you can fuck a chicken in the ass. I guess it's technically the cloaca? And it's also the vagina. And maybe the penis? Ugh. I'm never eating chicken again.
Ringo's next so you know his story is going to be all super serious. Ringo's story begins in Hong Kong where he was sent by an uncle to do his first hit.
I was in Hong Kong in 1997 and this must be the closest to the way it looked then that I've seen it depicted (and I don't even know if this is accurate! At least it looks familiar!). It's changed so much over the last 30 years, I never fucking recognize modern photographs of it.
I was going to dig through my old travel photos to find some of Hong Kong's skyline but was derailed by photos from my college graduation party at my grandmother's house. I was so young! And gorgeous! If I had a time machine, my story about the closest I ever came to losing my butt cherry would be me being attacked by older me at my college graduation party!
Dammit. I should probably post one now that I fucking talked about it. Just remember I was a little fat at the time. I lost like fifty pounds about six months after this!
Dammit. I should probably post one now that I fucking talked about it. Just remember I was a little fat at the time. I lost like fifty pounds about six months after this!
From left to right: Sweetie, Doom Bunny, me, my sister, my nephew, and Bob "the Well-Done Comedian" Henline (in his raw form).
Ringo meets Death but Death isn't horny like Gaiman's Death. Was Death of The Endless horny? I remember her being horny! Was I projecting? Don't tell me I was projecting! I totally would have let her peg me. Anyway, Ringo manages to not get pegged by death. Hmm, Pegged by Death might need to be the title of my autobiography.
Anyway, I guess it's Tommy's turn next. Which doesn't seem like he needs a chance to go. Shouldn't he just point to his last two story arcs where he was almost taken out by a Nazi demon from Hell and the greatest assassin to ever where a white suit?
Tommy's story was just about learning to stand up to a bully or a guy with a gun pointed in your face when he was just a kid. Or, I mean, a guy trying to force his way into the back of your underwear.
Anyway, I guess it's Tommy's turn next. Which doesn't seem like he needs a chance to go. Shouldn't he just point to his last two story arcs where he was almost taken out by a Nazi demon from Hell and the greatest assassin to ever where a white suit?
Tommy's story was just about learning to stand up to a bully or a guy with a gun pointed in your face when he was just a kid. Or, I mean, a guy trying to force his way into the back of your underwear.
This was before he perfected all of his fat jokes.
I'd make that panel into my header but it might make me cry every time I visit my own blog.
The Ranking!
Fuck I miss stories like this! I'm not saying they don't still exist but television series and comic books don't really like to take a moment of downtime to have characters just sit around doing character stuff! Everything is always PLOT PLOT PLOT! I sort of understand why after seeing all the stupid comments from friends and family every time an episode of The Walking Dead didn't advance the plot at all. And those same jerks basically hated 4 out of 5 episodes of Lost because that gem was basically character work every fucking episode! We had to learn why they all ended up in Purgatory! Except, I mean, obviously it wasn't Purgatory after a certain point! But it still works if you don't mind going with the flow as shit changes because changing shit from Purgatory to the Dharma Initiative actually works fairly decently. Anyway, great issue highlighting the main fucking reason Ennis wants to write this comic book: friends sitting around drinking and talking shite!
The Ranking!
Fuck I miss stories like this! I'm not saying they don't still exist but television series and comic books don't really like to take a moment of downtime to have characters just sit around doing character stuff! Everything is always PLOT PLOT PLOT! I sort of understand why after seeing all the stupid comments from friends and family every time an episode of The Walking Dead didn't advance the plot at all. And those same jerks basically hated 4 out of 5 episodes of Lost because that gem was basically character work every fucking episode! We had to learn why they all ended up in Purgatory! Except, I mean, obviously it wasn't Purgatory after a certain point! But it still works if you don't mind going with the flow as shit changes because changing shit from Purgatory to the Dharma Initiative actually works fairly decently. Anyway, great issue highlighting the main fucking reason Ennis wants to write this comic book: friends sitting around drinking and talking shite!
I could be wrong but your college pic really seems to drive home how you vibe with the Main Man(positive)🤘
ReplyDeleteAlso I feel you on non-plot stories. listening to people confidently tell me that Kai was the best way to watch DBZ was a mistake for me. When I finally watched the original dub years later, I enjoyed it so much more. The driving school episode is peak
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I liked best about the X-Men were the character interactions that happened when there wasn’t some world-shaking event
The issue that finally got me to really care about Spider-Man as a kid.was one where he didn’t wear a costume at all. It was just (1610) Peter telling MJ his secret, written by Bendis, who went on to become one of my favorite authors ever (though I didn’t pay any attention to creator names at the time)