Why is Elongated Man fucking Rocket Red in the ass in the tiny picture in the issue number box?
I don't know what I find most disgusting on this cover. Is it Ralph's twitchy nose in the tiny anal sex picture? Is it Ralph's elongated neck in both pictures? Is it Metamorpho's about-to-explode left leg? Is it the length of Captain Atom's leg, assuming that's his foot by Metamorpho's right arm (which it is so I probably used the word "assuming" incorrectly)? Hmm, what could it be? Oh, I know!
Of course her tits are great but what is happening to her stomach?!
I'm a victim of the puritanical American educational system (which is often thought of as lousy mainly because Republicans keep trying to make it as shit as possible in the effort to prove that it is shit so that they can trash the entire thing and turn education over to their for-profit buddies which will obviously just make it even worse because the only text book at that point will be a version of The Bible that they've edited the shit out of, probably by adding loads of Ronald Reagan quotes) so forgive me if my anatomical questions sound stupid here but is that Power Girl's clitoris? Ha ha! I'm just joking, of course! I may not know where or what the clitoris actually is but I do know what an outie belly button looks like (Do those even exist anymore? I don't think I've seen one since the 70s? Maybe that's just because kids loved comparing belly buttons on school playgrounds and sort of stopped doing that past elementary school)! My problem is that we've never seen Power Girl's belly button through her skin tight outfit before. So that makes me think she just herniated and blew out her belly button from the strain of this battle! I hope her uterus didn't also drop out of her vagina (Is that a thing that can happen from too much strain? See the note about my education and also I'm an American male so I know practically nothing about women's bodies. Although I am a long-time Dungeons and Dragons player so if you make a map to the clitoris, I'll find it easy! Please send me your photorealistic maps, preferably of you from the back while bending forward slightly!).
This issue is called "The Happy Place" which makes me nervous because it was written by well-known pedophile art lover Gerard Jones. I know I keep going on and on about Gerard Jones having been convicted of owning and distributing images of child sexual abuse but that's kind of a memorable thing about him, right? If somebody were to ask me, "Why do you keep defining Gerard Jones by the worst thing he's ever done?", I would say to them, "What the fuck did you do that you're so worried about somebody being defined by the worst thing they ever did, hmm?" One notable thing about me is that I'm terrible at conversation unless you enjoy a constant barrage of brusque and insulting rejoinders. Although wouldn't you all want to respond that way? We know the main reason conservatives have such a problem with so-called "Cancel Culture" is that they're can't stop thinking about how their life is going to blow apart when their disgusting secret comes out!
As a hypothetical aside, just how "career ending" would jerking off the side of a skyscraper be?
This issue is called "The Happy Place" which makes me nervous because it was written by well-known pedophile art lover Gerard Jones. I know I keep going on and on about Gerard Jones having been convicted of owning and distributing images of child sexual abuse but that's kind of a memorable thing about him, right? If somebody were to ask me, "Why do you keep defining Gerard Jones by the worst thing he's ever done?", I would say to them, "What the fuck did you do that you're so worried about somebody being defined by the worst thing they ever did, hmm?" One notable thing about me is that I'm terrible at conversation unless you enjoy a constant barrage of brusque and insulting rejoinders. Although wouldn't you all want to respond that way? We know the main reason conservatives have such a problem with so-called "Cancel Culture" is that they're can't stop thinking about how their life is going to blow apart when their disgusting secret comes out!
As a hypothetical aside, just how "career ending" would jerking off the side of a skyscraper be?
According to the title "The Happy Place," my guess is they're in Reno, Nevada.
Before The Simpsons did the "Happiest Place on Earth" being Tijuana joke, my cousins and I used to call Reno the happiest place on Earth. That's because our family vacations were more often to Reno than to Disneyland. I figure at least half of my childhood vacation stories revolve around being in Reno. One of my favorites was when my Grandfather came wandering back to the Keno sitting area from the casino floor with a huge grin on his face because he'd found a $1 chip lying on the ground. He was so ecstatic! Later, he wandered off again only to return downtrodden and sad because he'd be this $1 chip at the Craps table and lost it. "I should have quit while I was ahead," he lamented. On a side note, I learned everything about managing money from that man!
Like our Earth, the first thing the reluctant interdimensional travelers are met with on their road trip is advertising. A missile explodes over their head advertising a place called Wacky World with big bright arrows lighting up and leading them to it. I've gone cross country in a Volkswagen bus and the exploding missile advertisement seems slightly more subtle than Wall Drug's advertising campaign. But it's just as effective because like my inability to resist Wall Drug, the Leaguers wind up in Wacky World.
Like our Earth, the first thing the reluctant interdimensional travelers are met with on their road trip is advertising. A missile explodes over their head advertising a place called Wacky World with big bright arrows lighting up and leading them to it. I've gone cross country in a Volkswagen bus and the exploding missile advertisement seems slightly more subtle than Wall Drug's advertising campaign. But it's just as effective because like my inability to resist Wall Drug, the Leaguers wind up in Wacky World.
I suppose to Gerard Jones, a theme park is the playboy mansion.
Do you think Gerard Jones was trying to signal help here for his sick (his very sick!) mind? It's got to be weird going through your adult life with these thoughts and compulsions that you probably feel are natural but you know society will absolutely crucify you for having. I imagine that's why so many people who accuse so many other people of pedophilia wind up being pedophiles themselves. They probably think the compulsion, since they feel it, is probably natural and everybody else feels it too. They probably think everybody is in a constant battle against breaching social norms and, since they've fallen to temptation, it stands to reason that somebody they blame has also fallen to the temptation and their accusation will be proven true while distracting people from their crime. I used to think the poetic use of a dramatic monologue where the speaker exposes some hidden secret through their too casual speech was rare and often hard to ferret out. But I live in a time where every accusation is a confession, so now if I were introduced to "My Last Duchess," I'd probably be bored by it.
Before the League can investigate, a parade comes strolling past them, full of, apparently, living people. Which is weird because they were told the only people left alive on this planet were The Extremists! (Although not that weird once you realize The Extremists are just as "organic" ("organic" is a word here that means "living") as these theme park employees.)
Before the League can investigate, a parade comes strolling past them, full of, apparently, living people. Which is weird because they were told the only people left alive on this planet were The Extremists! (Although not that weird once you realize The Extremists are just as "organic" ("organic" is a word here that means "living") as these theme park employees.)
Oh Gerard! "Every line of Flash dialogue, a confession."
The Silver Sorceress lies beaten on the front of one of the parade floats driven by a fat man with suspenders in a crown and calling himself Carny. He may be the only person other than Dreamslayer who survived but he might also be an automaton himself. I can't remember that much detail! What this reminds me of is Fables where The Adversary (don't read the rest of this sentence if you don't want the first major story arc of Fables spoiled!) winds up being Gepetto and he's built all of the armies that took over the world. Now I want to re-read Fables! Eventually, I guess, if I live that long.
I don't mean to imply that I'm currently living with an expiration date (other than the normal, unknown one called "mortality" ("mortality" is a word here that means "fucking bullshit, man"))! What I was implying is that I'm doing these comic book re-read reviews so slowly that I'll never get through them all. If only I'd purchased fewer comic books when I was younger!
Carny's float releases a gas that knocks out the entire Justice League Europe, even Rocket Red who I assumed was in some kind of hermetically sealed space suit and Metamorpho who I assumed didn't actually need to breathe anymore. You can't tell me he has working organs inside that fucked up body!
The team wakes up strapped into a roller coaster being managed by beautiful women with no noses. I don't think the lack of a nose bit is part of the plot. I just think Bart drew them with anime noses. You know, all nostril, no bridge. Captain Atom orders everybody to remain calm in their roller coaster seats which is a good thing because I was going to start complaining about how Metamorpho and the Elongated Man could easily slip free. But now Ralph's been ordered to keep his neck within the car and Metamorpho turning into a gas cloud has been shut down by Captain's orders. Whew! I love when I don't have to make up reasons to close plot holes because the comic book is shoddily written!
I don't mean to imply that I'm currently living with an expiration date (other than the normal, unknown one called "mortality" ("mortality" is a word here that means "fucking bullshit, man"))! What I was implying is that I'm doing these comic book re-read reviews so slowly that I'll never get through them all. If only I'd purchased fewer comic books when I was younger!
Carny's float releases a gas that knocks out the entire Justice League Europe, even Rocket Red who I assumed was in some kind of hermetically sealed space suit and Metamorpho who I assumed didn't actually need to breathe anymore. You can't tell me he has working organs inside that fucked up body!
The team wakes up strapped into a roller coaster being managed by beautiful women with no noses. I don't think the lack of a nose bit is part of the plot. I just think Bart drew them with anime noses. You know, all nostril, no bridge. Captain Atom orders everybody to remain calm in their roller coaster seats which is a good thing because I was going to start complaining about how Metamorpho and the Elongated Man could easily slip free. But now Ralph's been ordered to keep his neck within the car and Metamorpho turning into a gas cloud has been shut down by Captain's orders. Whew! I love when I don't have to make up reasons to close plot holes because the comic book is shoddily written!
Ralph! I'm certain at least one of the casualties of Disneyland's Matterhorn ride was due to this behavior!
The roller coaster attraction teaches the parkgoers the history of Angor. Or at least the last few weeks of Angor's history where The Extremists steal all of the nukes, the world leaders cry, and then the world is blown to bits. Even though that final "Goooooood bye!" feels like it means to plunge the coaster into a flaming abyss, it's simply the ride coming to an end where everybody calmly exits the coaster to head for the nearby exits. Except for Metamorpho who tears the head off of a custodian for some reason.
Somebody has passionate thoughts against picking up litter!
By my calculations, Rex meant to murder that custodian because it would take less force to tear off a human head than to tear off a robot head. Rex has Angor Management Issues! Ha ha ha!
Oh, I guess that thing on Power Girl's stomach is a zipper pull? And her outfit is always just zipped down 95% of the way?
Captain Atom realizes that every robot in the place just wants to make their stay enjoyable so he asks them politely to take the League to their leader. They send them off to one of those boring rides that's really just a movie where they strap you into your seat for safety reasons. It's called "The Great Visionary" and it's entirely empty. If the locals don't choose to go on this ride, it must be fucking shit.
Mr. Patience?! He just ripped the head off of a janitor for no reason!
I left that previous scan larger than I normally would because it looked really nice at that size for whatever scientific reason I'm too dumb to understand. Pixel Color Distribution or Dot Matrix Density or something.
The ride teaches the Leaguers that Wacky World and its automatons were created by The Great Visionary, the Walt Disney/Geppetto of Angor. But all the people of the world died and so the automatons had nobody to make happy anymore. But now they have the Justice League to play with forever! Carny offers them free rides, free refreshments, and half-off t-shirts. Captain Atom hears the half-off t-shirts deal and goes ballistic, attempting to kill Carny. But Carny winds up being a holographic projection and Captain Atom is forced to be drawn terribly while kneeling on stage in humiliation.
The ride teaches the Leaguers that Wacky World and its automatons were created by The Great Visionary, the Walt Disney/Geppetto of Angor. But all the people of the world died and so the automatons had nobody to make happy anymore. But now they have the Justice League to play with forever! Carny offers them free rides, free refreshments, and half-off t-shirts. Captain Atom hears the half-off t-shirts deal and goes ballistic, attempting to kill Carny. But Carny winds up being a holographic projection and Captain Atom is forced to be drawn terribly while kneeling on stage in humiliation.
This was a really tiny picture of Captain Atom but that didn't stop me from wanting to complain about the size of that leg!
Silver Sorceress reaches out telepathically to Wally to lead Justice League Europe to Carny's headquarters. He realizes they're on his way and freaks out, hitting the self-destruct button. This blows up him, the automatons, and the entire park. It also releases The Great Visionary, Uncle Mitch, from his cryogenic chamber (at least that's my guess as to the person's identity). So Carny was also a robot. But whoever was released must be the last living person on Angor. The Justice League survive the explosion because Metamorpho covers them with his body. Silver Sorceress doesn't get invited to the Metamorpho Safety Dome so she probably dies. Except she can't die because they need her magic to return them to Earth. So let me revise my assumption: she survives somehow. Magic, probably!
Justice League Europe #18 Rating: A+. This was a nice coherent little bit of the overall story. It didn't fully explain what's happening but it added some nice back story in a bit of an offshoot from the main plot where the League must battle their way back to the main plot while also saving the Silver Sorceress at the same time. I suppose it could also have been a boring issue for the types of people who don't want more story and character moments during the middle of a story that's supposed to be pitting The Extremists directly against the Justice League. But those are the kinds of people who actually hate stories so fuck them. They're the ones who probably couldn't stand Lost because every episode concentrated on somebody who wasn't actually battling the Smoke Monster for forty minutes. Carny sucked as an enemy but he fulfilled his role, I guess. Being a weird ass weirdo running a place called Wacky World and then throwing a tantrum when things didn't completely go his way. Also, and I know I didn't scan any panels with it, but Silver Sorceress's ass was just primo excellente. Five stars. Would stare at again.
I just realized that I might be a little bit troubled by Carny because I see so much of myself in him. He didn't really offer much to the story except trying to lighten the mood in a really shitty world. And then when nobody appreciated his jovial and whimsical attitude, he went and killed himself. I'm not saying I've reached the point of hitting the self-destruct button but I do get pretty moody at times with the lack of appreciation! So, yeah, I see myself in Carny: an idiot who thinks he's better at what he does than he is!
Justice League Europe #18 Rating: A+. This was a nice coherent little bit of the overall story. It didn't fully explain what's happening but it added some nice back story in a bit of an offshoot from the main plot where the League must battle their way back to the main plot while also saving the Silver Sorceress at the same time. I suppose it could also have been a boring issue for the types of people who don't want more story and character moments during the middle of a story that's supposed to be pitting The Extremists directly against the Justice League. But those are the kinds of people who actually hate stories so fuck them. They're the ones who probably couldn't stand Lost because every episode concentrated on somebody who wasn't actually battling the Smoke Monster for forty minutes. Carny sucked as an enemy but he fulfilled his role, I guess. Being a weird ass weirdo running a place called Wacky World and then throwing a tantrum when things didn't completely go his way. Also, and I know I didn't scan any panels with it, but Silver Sorceress's ass was just primo excellente. Five stars. Would stare at again.
I just realized that I might be a little bit troubled by Carny because I see so much of myself in him. He didn't really offer much to the story except trying to lighten the mood in a really shitty world. And then when nobody appreciated his jovial and whimsical attitude, he went and killed himself. I'm not saying I've reached the point of hitting the self-destruct button but I do get pretty moody at times with the lack of appreciation! So, yeah, I see myself in Carny: an idiot who thinks he's better at what he does than he is!
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