Why is the cyborg agent from Appleseed in the background?
I would not sit down to play poker at a table with a guy wearing that headgear. He's obviously reading minds. Unless it's a bluff and he's trying to throw me off my game by not thinking about the cards in my hand! Or he is reading minds, knows that I'll try to not think about my cards by thinking sexy thoughts, and he's only here to jerk off to my sexy thoughts! Whatever the case, I'd never play poker against that pervert.
This issue begins with Sonar robbing a bank instead of trying to take over the world or get revenge against Green Lantern. Those are the thoughts he's having because he gets it! Why would a super-villain invite trouble by actively attacking super heroes? Why would a super-villain commit war crimes trying to gain power when they live in the same world as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aqua...no, no. I named all the powerful heroes already. This must be the comic book all those Comics-Gaters keep talking about when they talk about how comic books used to not be woke. This one, single comic book. See? The villain is robbing banks and that's something no Comics-Gater would ever do so it doesn't make it seem like the Comics-Gaters are the equivalent of bad guys! Not like that fucking Spotlight on Teen Titans: Starfire comic book that was all, "Apartheid is bad! Look at how mean the white colonialists are being to the native Africans!" And the would-be Comics-Gaters of the 80s who couldn't get on the Internet and instead had to write terrible letters exposing their true selves were all, "How dare you politically correct comics creators judge people by the color of their white skin and also by their racism?! That person could be me and I'm not a bad guy!" Of course, modern complaints that comic books are now woke when comic books have always been about social justice simply exposes what they really mean: "There are too many POC and women heroes these days!" Obviously they wouldn't say "POC" and they'd say "female heroes" instead of "women heroes." But you understand what I'm saying!
Okay, now that all the Comics-Gaters have left the chat, I can stop being serious and start telling some really hilarious dick jokes! You have to clear the room of the cockroaches before you can enjoy yourself because who wants a cockroach hearing one of your great dick jokes?! I hate when I accidentally entertain a conservative or a bigot (I know, I know. I'm repeating myself. I already said, "Cockroach.").
This issue begins with Sonar robbing a bank instead of trying to take over the world or get revenge against Green Lantern. Those are the thoughts he's having because he gets it! Why would a super-villain invite trouble by actively attacking super heroes? Why would a super-villain commit war crimes trying to gain power when they live in the same world as Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Aqua...no, no. I named all the powerful heroes already. This must be the comic book all those Comics-Gaters keep talking about when they talk about how comic books used to not be woke. This one, single comic book. See? The villain is robbing banks and that's something no Comics-Gater would ever do so it doesn't make it seem like the Comics-Gaters are the equivalent of bad guys! Not like that fucking Spotlight on Teen Titans: Starfire comic book that was all, "Apartheid is bad! Look at how mean the white colonialists are being to the native Africans!" And the would-be Comics-Gaters of the 80s who couldn't get on the Internet and instead had to write terrible letters exposing their true selves were all, "How dare you politically correct comics creators judge people by the color of their white skin and also by their racism?! That person could be me and I'm not a bad guy!" Of course, modern complaints that comic books are now woke when comic books have always been about social justice simply exposes what they really mean: "There are too many POC and women heroes these days!" Obviously they wouldn't say "POC" and they'd say "female heroes" instead of "women heroes." But you understand what I'm saying!
Okay, now that all the Comics-Gaters have left the chat, I can stop being serious and start telling some really hilarious dick jokes! You have to clear the room of the cockroaches before you can enjoy yourself because who wants a cockroach hearing one of your great dick jokes?! I hate when I accidentally entertain a conservative or a bigot (I know, I know. I'm repeating myself. I already said, "Cockroach.").
Good thing I noticed that his gun was a tuning fork before I wrote an angry three-page essay asking why Sonar uses a magnet as a gun.
I've been really, really, really, really, really slowly reading Pynchon's Against the Day and learning all sorts of things about waves although, being stupid, I don't understand most of it. But I think a magnet and a tuning fork essentially do the same thing but different somehow. Just like light and electricity! It's all waves, baby!
Sonar, being a terrible C-list villain because Geoff Johns hasn't thought of a creative way to make him the most powerful villain ever yet (at least, I don't think he has?), walks out of the bank directly into Orion because there was a silent alarm. That's pretty funny, right? Sonar is the master of sound and so he's caught by something that can't be heard! That should have been one of the lines in Alanis's song.
Sonar does manage to drop Orion, Lightray, and Martian Manhunter with his sonic gun because have you ever had vertigo? I haven't but I have been drunk so that's probably the same thing and, let me tell you, I certainly couldn't punch a guy in the face while suffering from the spins. I'm not sure why Martian Manhunter, upon seeing Sonar was the villain, didn't change the shape of his inner ear immediately but I guess that's why nobody ever says, "Martian Manhunter is my favorite hero!" Unless you're one of those ultra-nerds who claims Wedge Antilles is your favorite Star Wars character. I'd like to say that I'm smarter than Martian Manhunter because I thought up the "change the shape of the inner ear" trick but actually I'm just smarter than Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. And that's nothing to brag about! Unless it is? Those guys are probably pretty smart. They probably realized Martian Manhunter could do that as well but were all, "That wouldn't work for the story we're telling! But we're writing to comic book fans so they won't even realize J'onn made a tactical blunder here!"
Anyway, Sonar manages to evade being instantly captured thanks to his Sonic Wave Gun disabling two New Gods and one of the most powerful characters in the DC Universe. Did Geoff Johns write this?
Sonar, being a terrible C-list villain because Geoff Johns hasn't thought of a creative way to make him the most powerful villain ever yet (at least, I don't think he has?), walks out of the bank directly into Orion because there was a silent alarm. That's pretty funny, right? Sonar is the master of sound and so he's caught by something that can't be heard! That should have been one of the lines in Alanis's song.
Sonar does manage to drop Orion, Lightray, and Martian Manhunter with his sonic gun because have you ever had vertigo? I haven't but I have been drunk so that's probably the same thing and, let me tell you, I certainly couldn't punch a guy in the face while suffering from the spins. I'm not sure why Martian Manhunter, upon seeing Sonar was the villain, didn't change the shape of his inner ear immediately but I guess that's why nobody ever says, "Martian Manhunter is my favorite hero!" Unless you're one of those ultra-nerds who claims Wedge Antilles is your favorite Star Wars character. I'd like to say that I'm smarter than Martian Manhunter because I thought up the "change the shape of the inner ear" trick but actually I'm just smarter than Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis. And that's nothing to brag about! Unless it is? Those guys are probably pretty smart. They probably realized Martian Manhunter could do that as well but were all, "That wouldn't work for the story we're telling! But we're writing to comic book fans so they won't even realize J'onn made a tactical blunder here!"
Anyway, Sonar manages to evade being instantly captured thanks to his Sonic Wave Gun disabling two New Gods and one of the most powerful characters in the DC Universe. Did Geoff Johns write this?
Now I just feel sorry for Sonar, the little band-uniform wearing nerd.
Imagine your self-confidence being this non-existent and yet still being able to leave your house to rob a bank. If only Sonar could see himself through my eyes! He's to be admired! He just wants to do an honest day's work robbing one single bank so that he can retire and not cause anybody any more anguish. He didn't even harm anybody at the bank (unless he made them all deaf. I don't know exactly how his magnet gun works).
The Justice League chase Sonar past Wally Tortolini, the man who wrote the article revealing all of their secret identities that no magazine would print because Crimson Fox (being a major publisher in her secret identity) blackballed him. Hoping that a different story about the Justice League (like maybe one where he witnesses them beat the shit out of some poor C-list villain) might turn his career around (and blaming the Justice League for his current woes), he chases after the chase to get the scoop.
The Justice League chase Sonar past Wally Tortolini, the man who wrote the article revealing all of their secret identities that no magazine would print because Crimson Fox (being a major publisher in her secret identity) blackballed him. Hoping that a different story about the Justice League (like maybe one where he witnesses them beat the shit out of some poor C-list villain) might turn his career around (and blaming the Justice League for his current woes), he chases after the chase to get the scoop.
Martian Manhunter bringing the Don Draper energy.
Was J'onn J'onzz a big shot advertising agent on Mars? "It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Oreos."
Martian Manhunter gets stunned by Sonar's sonic gun again! Again, J'onn?! How the fuck did you not change the shape of your inner ear after the first time?! You're putting citizens at risk being this terrible at fighting villains! And because Martian Manhunter fucks up, Sonar gets a chance to fire his gun at full power, shattering all the windows along the block and sending down a deadly rain of razor sharp glass! Everybody is sure to die now unless Giffen and DeMatteis know what the fuck Lightray's powers are.
Martian Manhunter gets stunned by Sonar's sonic gun again! Again, J'onn?! How the fuck did you not change the shape of your inner ear after the first time?! You're putting citizens at risk being this terrible at fighting villains! And because Martian Manhunter fucks up, Sonar gets a chance to fire his gun at full power, shattering all the windows along the block and sending down a deadly rain of razor sharp glass! Everybody is sure to die now unless Giffen and DeMatteis know what the fuck Lightray's powers are.
That's it? Fucking useless.
Fire mostly saves the day with an assist from Orion. Martian Manhunter does fuck all. Possibly because he finally did that inner ear thing and couldn't hear the shattering glass or the warnings about the deadly shrapnel. Or he just doesn't give a fuck if two dozen humans die, the giant green prick.
Sonar's rain of glass distraction enables him to get away with the help of Wally Tortolini. That Tortolini guy really has it in for the Justice League for some reason. He should be angry at the magazines who won't publish his article, not angry at the subject of that article. The guy is dumb enough to become a C-list super villain. Hint, hint!
Back at the Justice League Embassy, Blue Beetle laughs in Martian Manhunter, Orion, and Lightray's faces. That's because he's not yet familiar with Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation.
Sonar's rain of glass distraction enables him to get away with the help of Wally Tortolini. That Tortolini guy really has it in for the Justice League for some reason. He should be angry at the magazines who won't publish his article, not angry at the subject of that article. The guy is dumb enough to become a C-list super villain. Hint, hint!
Back at the Justice League Embassy, Blue Beetle laughs in Martian Manhunter, Orion, and Lightray's faces. That's because he's not yet familiar with Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation.
See?! See?! Change the fucking shape of it, you shapeshifter you!
Blue Beetle quickly regrets his mocking laughter when he learns about Orion's penchant for punching people in the face at the slightest provocation. Except this time, Orion decides to choke the shit out of the provocateur. Nobody moves in to stop him, probably because Blue Beetle deserved it a little bit. But not only does nobody point out that maybe the new member of the League shouldn't be committing attempted murder against an old member of the League, Guy Gardner applauds Orion's efforts. For some reason, even that pisses off Orion but at least it stops him from killing Beetle. Hopefully Beetle remembers that Guy just saved his life.
Sonar takes Wally to a place called The Dark Side. It's like a Hooters for super-villains. Wally suggests writing an article from the super-villains' point of view but I suspect Sonar just wants to use him for his notebook full of the secret identities of the Justice League. Not that it would be any more difficult to kill Ted Kord as Blue Beetle! But I suppose the notepad with all the secret knowledge has its uses. Like matching the bets of all the super-villains when they throw in the items that give them their super powers during a game of poker! Which Wally wins, allowing him to walk away with The Cavalier's sword, Crowbar's crowbar, Blackrock's power stone, Black Mass's wristbands, Sonar's tuning-fork gun, and Brainstorm's helmet. C-list super-villains are idiots! They all just lost their livelihoods!
Wally takes his haul and goes off to figure out what to call himself when he uses his winnings to become another C-list super-villain. He's followed out of The Dark Side by a mysterious figure who wants to get their hands on the secrets of the Justice League. Which means Wally should wind up dead in an alley at the start of next issue but that's obviously not going to happen. We need a ridiculous story where this guy nearly defeats the Justice League with his new toys first!
Justice League America #43 Rating: A-. The story was average as far as superhero stories go but it was fun and entertaining as far as Laurel and Hardy movies go. Plus Adam Hughes' art raises the overall grade by at least one letter grade, if not two. I might have to read the issue again just to immunize myself against looking at Bart Sears' art in the next Justice League Europe comic book.
Sonar takes Wally to a place called The Dark Side. It's like a Hooters for super-villains. Wally suggests writing an article from the super-villains' point of view but I suspect Sonar just wants to use him for his notebook full of the secret identities of the Justice League. Not that it would be any more difficult to kill Ted Kord as Blue Beetle! But I suppose the notepad with all the secret knowledge has its uses. Like matching the bets of all the super-villains when they throw in the items that give them their super powers during a game of poker! Which Wally wins, allowing him to walk away with The Cavalier's sword, Crowbar's crowbar, Blackrock's power stone, Black Mass's wristbands, Sonar's tuning-fork gun, and Brainstorm's helmet. C-list super-villains are idiots! They all just lost their livelihoods!
Wally takes his haul and goes off to figure out what to call himself when he uses his winnings to become another C-list super-villain. He's followed out of The Dark Side by a mysterious figure who wants to get their hands on the secrets of the Justice League. Which means Wally should wind up dead in an alley at the start of next issue but that's obviously not going to happen. We need a ridiculous story where this guy nearly defeats the Justice League with his new toys first!
Justice League America #43 Rating: A-. The story was average as far as superhero stories go but it was fun and entertaining as far as Laurel and Hardy movies go. Plus Adam Hughes' art raises the overall grade by at least one letter grade, if not two. I might have to read the issue again just to immunize myself against looking at Bart Sears' art in the next Justice League Europe comic book.
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