In 1990, at the age of eighteen, I definitely wouldn't have known what the fuck a Beefeater was.
Even now, at 51, I only know they're weirdos who guard the Tower of London and/or the mascot for a Gin company. Back in 1990, I would have had to have gone to a library to find out what a Beefeater was so I remained ignorant because the only thing I was doing at the library was getting a blow job on the grounds late at night during one of Chris Humphrey's parties. I suppose I could have asked the young lady sucking me off, "Hey, what's a Beefeater?" But instead I was just going, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Also, it probably would have sounded like I was telling a rude joke about the woman willing to put my cock in her mouth.
You know what? Forget that story! It makes me sound ignorant! Instead of believing that bullshit, maybe you should believe how awesome I was at borrowing books and then reading them and then quite often returning them! I would get a book and read it and say, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Then I'd clean myself up and totally remember to return the book the next day! But now I have the Internet so I don't borrow books or read them anymore! So instead of wondering why the guards of the Tower of London are called Beefeaters, I can look it up on the Internet, read the first search result I come to, and then assume that's all there is to the story! So here is what the Internet told me about the origins of the name, "Beefeater": British people couldn't pronounce French words which meant "somebody who guards the king's buffet from peasants who aren't willing to eat cake" so they just said, "Beefeater." Yeah, that seems plausible enough that I won't look more into it to find that it's almost certainly not the reason they're called that. I trust my search engines and AI to deliver proper information to me immediately and without any skepticism on my part! And by "proper," I mean any fucking thing that lets me imagine that I just learned an indisputable fact without feeling the need to do actual research!
This cover is cool because it's like the November 1990's Justice League America cover.
You know what? Forget that story! It makes me sound ignorant! Instead of believing that bullshit, maybe you should believe how awesome I was at borrowing books and then reading them and then quite often returning them! I would get a book and read it and say, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Then I'd clean myself up and totally remember to return the book the next day! But now I have the Internet so I don't borrow books or read them anymore! So instead of wondering why the guards of the Tower of London are called Beefeaters, I can look it up on the Internet, read the first search result I come to, and then assume that's all there is to the story! So here is what the Internet told me about the origins of the name, "Beefeater": British people couldn't pronounce French words which meant "somebody who guards the king's buffet from peasants who aren't willing to eat cake" so they just said, "Beefeater." Yeah, that seems plausible enough that I won't look more into it to find that it's almost certainly not the reason they're called that. I trust my search engines and AI to deliver proper information to me immediately and without any skepticism on my part! And by "proper," I mean any fucking thing that lets me imagine that I just learned an indisputable fact without feeling the need to do actual research!
This cover is cool because it's like the November 1990's Justice League America cover.
Well, I thought it was cool, anyway. And who would know cool better than a guy who does the things I do after hours on library grounds?! Like reading The Hobbit, I mean.
Careful readers would now realize that when I read The Hobbit, my reaction was, "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh no." Non-careful readers will now know that because I explained the joke.
This issue begins with the Basil Fawlty emulating head of the London Embassy of Justice League International, Michael, digging up his father's old Battle Staff and Beefeater costume. If the reader believes him, The Beefeater was a hero during World War II. But if the reader believes his wife, The Beefeater was captured early on in the war and only ever used his Battle Staff to win bar bets. Michael doesn't want to listen to his wife because he's a conservative man who will brook no insult against his father or a war hero of his country! Some people find it's easier to believe lies than to open yourself up to the truth. Most of those people are called Twitter Blue users. But this Michael believes Justice League United Kingdom needs at least one active hero in the embassy and if it has to be him (which it doesn't), by God and Queen, he's going to do it! This was written in 1990 so he would think "By God and Queen" instead of what we're supposed to think as of May 6th, 2023, "By God and King!" Although who can actually think of Charles as King and Camilla as Queen? If one didn't realize the monarchy was a silly, outdated waste of everything before this moment, surely they'll see through the illusion now!
This issue begins with the Basil Fawlty emulating head of the London Embassy of Justice League International, Michael, digging up his father's old Battle Staff and Beefeater costume. If the reader believes him, The Beefeater was a hero during World War II. But if the reader believes his wife, The Beefeater was captured early on in the war and only ever used his Battle Staff to win bar bets. Michael doesn't want to listen to his wife because he's a conservative man who will brook no insult against his father or a war hero of his country! Some people find it's easier to believe lies than to open yourself up to the truth. Most of those people are called Twitter Blue users. But this Michael believes Justice League United Kingdom needs at least one active hero in the embassy and if it has to be him (which it doesn't), by God and Queen, he's going to do it! This was written in 1990 so he would think "By God and Queen" instead of what we're supposed to think as of May 6th, 2023, "By God and King!" Although who can actually think of Charles as King and Camilla as Queen? If one didn't realize the monarchy was a silly, outdated waste of everything before this moment, surely they'll see through the illusion now!
Oh, I guess I misunderstood. He's abandoning the UK to go be a part of the Paris team. Well, Brexit will put a stop to this free-movement nonsense in twenty-five years time!
Living in ignorance of the Beefeater threat bearing down their throat, Catherine's tits enjoy the Paris summer sun.
Not pictured here: all the topless men. Especially not pictured here: topless Elongated Man.
Remember how I said there was no Internet in 1990 (I think I said that. Did I? Anyway, it's mostly true! (That "mostly" was for all you Internet Actually Nerds. Fuck off, okay? We're light-hearted and glib here when we're not telling Scott Lobdell to retire at the earliest convenience))? Because of that, this panel of Catherine's nipples would have been desperately needed wank material. Not for me, of course! I'm talking younger kids in 1990. Remember, I was spending all that quality time down at the library and had no need of these perky muffins. Plus I think Metamorpho's scaly skin in the background would keep making me too sick to finish.
The guys are playing topless football which is even more sexy and stimulating than you can imagine.
The guys are playing topless football which is even more sexy and stimulating than you can imagine.
Nowhere in the rules does it say you can't make a tackle with your penis.
Sue and Catherine and Mrs. Rocket Red are hanging out in the yard sunbathing. Power Girl was probably nixed by editorial after seeing the way Marshall Rogers drew Catherine's nipples. Judging by Power Girl's style, her one piece would probably have a crotch window.
In a page or two, I discover why Power Girl wasn't enjoying the sun with the others. They needed a full page reveal of her tits. I mean suit. It's actually pretty modest!
In a page or two, I discover why Power Girl wasn't enjoying the sun with the others. They needed a full page reveal of her tits. I mean suit. It's actually pretty modest!
Let's see Ralph make any tackles with an erect penis!
I'm glad Marshall Rogers was doing art on this issue. I'm actively trying to keep my brain from picturing what this page would look like if left to Bart Sears. I'd forgotten how attractive Power Girl actually was after so many issues with Bart at the helm. I mean, that hair he kept giving her?! It was enough to make me hate the art of Bart Sears! Oh, but anybody reading this knew that. I probably should have come up with something pithy. Enh, I can't be bothered.
You can see Marshall Rogers is doing a competent impression of Kara's hairstyle which Bart Sears had given her. It's basically the same but with far, far less muscles in it. Catherine's hair is the same way. When Bart drew Catherine's head, the hair was 90% of the mass.
You can see Marshall Rogers is doing a competent impression of Kara's hairstyle which Bart Sears had given her. It's basically the same but with far, far less muscles in it. Catherine's hair is the same way. When Bart drew Catherine's head, the hair was 90% of the mass.
The person speaking off-panel was Wally. You can tell because he came so fast.
The Beefeater shows up to apply for a job just as Kilowog puts the finishing touches on an alarm to detect intruders. Kilowog, being an alien, doesn't realize that the embassy shouldn't have an alarm for every single person walking through the front door. Especially one who uses his official Justice League Embassy employee card to unlock the front gate.
I can think of worse ways to die than Power Girl half-naked smashing my skull in. Like Ralph strangling me with his penis.
If you're into guys and not women, just replace the previous caption with this one: "I can think of worse ways to die than Elongated Man strangling me with his penis. Like half-naked Power Girl smashing my skull in." If you're sexually attracted to men and women, I don't have any advice for your caption. Make it up yourself! If you're asexual, you're probably used to being erased so why get on my case about it now?!
Apparently the embassy is soundproof so nobody in the yard hears the alarms or all the traps going off or The Beefeater's peculiar British swearing. I do find it odd that Kilowog set up a system of over-the-top booby traps to murder anybody who sets off the alarm. I assume it will murder regular people or else it's going to be useless against any invader with super powers.
Kilowog uses the most dangerous device he can find to power the security system and The Beefeater manages to crack its case which causes it to self-destruct in a matter of seconds.
Apparently the embassy is soundproof so nobody in the yard hears the alarms or all the traps going off or The Beefeater's peculiar British swearing. I do find it odd that Kilowog set up a system of over-the-top booby traps to murder anybody who sets off the alarm. I assume it will murder regular people or else it's going to be useless against any invader with super powers.
Kilowog uses the most dangerous device he can find to power the security system and The Beefeater manages to crack its case which causes it to self-destruct in a matter of seconds.
At least it didn't take all of France with it.
Um, that's it! Except for one more page of everybody looking angrily at The Beefeater and one more page of Silver Sorceress and Blue Jay wearing too many clothes.
Justice League Europe #20 Rating: A. Yes, nothing happens in this issue. But I like issues where the heroes aren't drawn by Bart Sears and engage in some down time. If I've said the opposite in a previous review, I was probably lying to make a joke because I do like when the heroes do absolutely nothing in almost no clothing. Hmm, maybe it's the fact they were all so naked that made this issue so enjoyable. It's too bad The Beefeater was just a one-issue joke because he'd probably fit in nicely with this team. He packs more power than The Elongated Man! I figure he's a one-issue joke because what artist wants to draw that costume twenty to thirty times per issue?! Certainly not Bart Sears! You can't see a single muscle through it!
Justice League Europe #20 Rating: A. Yes, nothing happens in this issue. But I like issues where the heroes aren't drawn by Bart Sears and engage in some down time. If I've said the opposite in a previous review, I was probably lying to make a joke because I do like when the heroes do absolutely nothing in almost no clothing. Hmm, maybe it's the fact they were all so naked that made this issue so enjoyable. It's too bad The Beefeater was just a one-issue joke because he'd probably fit in nicely with this team. He packs more power than The Elongated Man! I figure he's a one-issue joke because what artist wants to draw that costume twenty to thirty times per issue?! Certainly not Bart Sears! You can't see a single muscle through it!
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